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Vikas Muralidharan
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 Posted: Sat Oct 02, 2010 10:02 pm Post subject: HellOnEarth: Chap 1--The Orphan |
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John was running for quite some time before he was captured by the Italian police. The red faced police officer was pointing a gun at him and screaming orders to the other officers. "Wow, this dude must be the top cop or some thing" John thought.
Another officer handcuffed him and growled "Qual'è il tuo nome?". John blinked. The top cop snorted and yelled "Whats your name?"
"John" the kid replied decently. "Whats yours?"
"Do you think Im trying to make friends with you?" the cop growled and murmured "Schiappa". John stared at him. Now the cop blinked before replying "Tizio. Tizio Sempronio"
Hours later John was all over the news for planting a "strange implosion device" in The Leaning tower of Pisa and Tizio had literally grilled him for 2 hours before concluding that the USA was trying to home-breed terrorists like Pakistan which recieved a snort of "Schiappa!" from John. John was used to all of this. But here, he got more attention than in anywhere else. News Reporters from Australia, India and countries he had never heard of in his life were queuing up to get a photo of him. But he was also beaten up brutally and was given the worst treatment anyone could give him. He got a lawyer who couldnt speak english and he saw in the news that he had "killed a hundred people" and that there were banners in streets that screamed "Uccidere John" which meant "Kill John".
2 hours later, John had his chance. A really fat officer had turned away for getting his lunch and the prison cell he was kept in was unlocked....
_________________________________________________________
dp
run, or stay inside.
If he runs, they would just declare him guilty but if he stays, he has a slight chance of getting "acquitted"
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Sat Oct 02, 2010 10:31 pm Post subject: |
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Um. Rather short and rushed Vimu. I like the concept, but this could do with a much slower introduction.
It's also rather garbled. I mean we don't know if John is guilty of this thing, which is fine of course, no need to reveal everything at once, but apart from the fact he's in Italy we know nothing about his whereabouts.
Also the capture scene could be a lot more emotionally tense. If the cops are screaming like that they must be really afraid or angry, but none of this is shown to us.
It's also not very 'realistic'. Such a high profile prisoner would likely be treated exactly by the book. Illegal beatings wouldn't help anything.
You also should spread the text out a bit, add a couple of paragraphs etc. The POV needs work as well as it's mixed up a little.
As for the DP, he's presumably in a top security holding cell. Unless he has some powers we don't know about, running will probably get him as far as two paces beyond the cell door.
That said, the fact the cell door is unlocked could mean that someone is trying to get him out. There's no way this would happen otherwise.
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Vikas Muralidharan
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| Posted: Sun Oct 03, 2010 3:53 am Post subject: |
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| um.... gr8 Chinaren, but about the guilty part, i think u should read the prologue. :P and abt sum1 trying to help him out, thats what I had in mind..... i jus want help on how u think things should progress from here on
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Masterweaver
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| Posted: Sun Oct 03, 2010 2:56 pm Post subject: |
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Oh vecarek, a leetspeaker...
Okay, rule one: GRAMMAR GRAMMAR GRAMMAR! Seriously! Look though your post and redo it all, it is loaded with errors of spelling and punctuation. Nobody likes bad grammar; it detracts from the story. GRAMMAR!
Second: Information. You really have almost nothing here. Even for a prologue? Not enough detail. What does John look like? How does he act? How's his stay in prison been? That lawyer of his, did he react to any of the things people were saying about him? Why is he used to this sort of attention? The utter lack of information leads me to believe that he is a "decoy protagonist," to use the Troper term.
As for the DP... suicide. You've just killed (or been framed for killing) a thousand people, been beaten and mistreated, you're in a foreign country, and really such a closed DP is a rather bad note for opening a story.
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Vikas Muralidharan
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| Posted: Sun Oct 03, 2010 8:04 pm Post subject: |
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Masterweaver, Thunderbird and Chinaren
You've got me thinking. This wasn't a great idea after all. Go check out "NightDead: Evil Lives" in the Skiffiville section. I think that's one of the better ideas Ive come up with. Please Reply there as well.
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Smee
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| Posted: Mon Oct 04, 2010 12:04 am Post subject: |
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Vikas ... I'm not sure if you've been told elsewhere, but you shouldn't be starting new threads for each chapter of your stories.
Each story gets only one thread for it, and you should continue posting each new chapter after the comments and votes you got for the previous chapter.
Happy Writing,
Smee. 
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Vikas Muralidharan
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| Posted: Mon Oct 04, 2010 1:55 am Post subject: |
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Um, Smee, ya i know dat.... I was talking about a different story all together... 
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tayfinch
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| Posted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 1:37 pm Post subject: |
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You know, if I were you I would try and make this work again. The overall idea is pretty interesting.
One thought I had was that if you could rewrite both the prologue and first chapter into one, united chapter and take the pacing much slower, you might just have something to work with.
I agree with the above comments that the DP is difficult. Not only is it unrealistic, but, as was pointed out, suicidal.
So... if you're interested in giving it another go (and ending in a different way), I'd be game to follow.
Food for thought : )
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Vikas Muralidharan
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| Posted: Fri Dec 10, 2010 6:29 am Post subject: |
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Lol! Ive had this down for sooooo long. I literally abandoned it. Ya, Im thinking of reworking it and Ill have a different version posted soon.
Till that time, please read my more established story "NightDead: Evil Lives" in the Skiffiville section or "Life is Tough" in the Fantasy forest
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Vikas Muralidharan
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| Posted: Mon Sep 12, 2011 10:45 pm Post subject: |
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By GOD this is embarrasing :O
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| Posted: Wed Oct 26, 2011 6:46 pm Post subject: |
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Hey, late response, I know, but I'm actually quite intrigued. As the others have said, rushed and closed, but that's where the best twists come from!
I'd vote for staying in the cell, just because no matter what he'd be "Not guilty" but the mob outside may be aggressive, and if her runs he could pull of all this amazing feats of stealh to achieve freedom.
Either way, it's a wonderful start, and I will check out your other stories.
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Vikas Muralidharan
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| Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2011 1:23 am Post subject: |
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Hey Hak... Thanks for the support really.
Anyway, I am sorry to dissapoint but I kinda killed this thing.I am planning to revive it though under the title "Hell" after reworking it and making a few nice little changes. Should be up soon.
Till then, Id suggest you read my *more* active SG, HATE
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| Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2011 2:56 am Post subject: |
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"Wow, this dude must be the top cop or some thing"
Ok, first off, when thinking don't please don't type in or something to make it sound like he's a bit sarcastic. Give it another word, plus something is spelled together-- not two words.
If you'd like to go for funny sarcastic character: "Wow, this dude must be the top cop, (head hanco) or a cop who just so seemed to run into him on the streets. (coast gaurd?) (lackey) (by the looks of him he must look like a intelligence?) What does his face look like? face features.
"Something" usually distracts people from the story, it shows a bit of boredem for the owner of the story, the something is when people are trying to think what this something can be-- can it be an animal a human anything even a junky.
Take your time there is no rush, soon you'll find yourself easing along if you take your time in thinking before you write along.
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Vikas Muralidharan
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| Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2011 3:04 am Post subject: |
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OMG! I wrote this over a year back.
Since then, I've evolved (definitely) as a writer, hence, I would appreciate feedback on more recent works like HATE. Thank you.
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