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 Posted: Wed Nov 03, 2004 7:52 am Post subject: The Druid side of the story |
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What has happened before...
You, Thadius LaFontania, managed to infiltrate the wizard tower. When you took care of the guards, you found your way to the stone that crafts wizards...but you found the horrible price attached to it...the craftee's soul. Afterwards, the lone wizard that was possesed by the Wands of Light and Darkness attempted to be rid of you, and the tower lifted into the air. You managed to bring it down with a misplaced spell, but some of the debris knocked you unconcious...and you had the strangest dream. The elfs of the forest found you and were going to kill you, but the druids decided to let you live and bring you around. For what purpose, the dream did not explain. Later, you awoke...
You wake up, noting the change in secenery above your head. You utter a low moan as the pain of various body parts fails to reach your head. The druid's work, has to be, only they can eliminate all pain...You switch to your light-dark magic vision...and see a golden sphere surround you, encase you in a prison. You've never much liked being tied down. Then you extend your vision, only to find a lone elf on guard...looking intently at your magic. Not your still form, but at the magic leaving your body. And even though he does not move his mouth, he speaks.
Try anything at all, Thadius, and I'll ignore the druid's command to let you live.
Why are they letting me live in the first place? What have I done?
It's not what you've done, but what you're going to do that alarms them. They wish to speak with you as soon as you can walk, which should be now.
Indeed, strength flows through your body, and you move your form off the bed. The elf looks at you longer. Return, he orders, and you take your magic back into yourself.
He walks down the hallway, and then turns back. "Follow me," he orders, and you, oddly, recognize the voice.
As you sprint to catch up, you also pant out, "I remember the voice..." and then something hits you. "Aren't you the one who...?"
The elf looks you in the face, and the look isn't a pleasant one. The face is old and scarred, from above the left eye to below the right cheek...the frame is frail and old also...and yet this elf could easily kill you with his willow bow tied onto his back before you could charge a spell. "Yes," he says, "I was the one who was possesed and killed your mother. This is why I was ordered to escort you. I am....sorry it happened."
"But it wasn't your fault!"
"As you will find out, the fault does lie partly with me."
As you walk down the old, wooden hallway, you notice that part of the hallway has branches growing from it...indeed, the tree you walk through is not yet dead, and yet it survived being hollowed out...genius, most purely genius. This is the work of druids, all of it.
And then you enter the chamber. The grand chamber. The chamber where all the great mysteries of druid lore and wisdom are explained. And there in the center of it all lies the heart of the tree...an old, wooden heart, shaped like a human's. It moves slightly, and you wonder for a second...then you look more intently. The tree gives off power equal to the wizard's stone...is this where...?
And then a druid takes your hand. He leads you to a bench, sets you down, and then signals to his friends. They all get into position, and start chanting in rythem...and the heart of the tree gives off images...the words begin to translate themselves.
Ancient god of druids, show Thadius the history of our race...
And the young planet forms out of nothing. Then the five gods appear. They argue and bicker about what to do to populate the planet, and decide that whatever the god of knowledge chooses shall inhabit it, shall inhabit it. The god of knowledge points at one, and denotes him as the god of Humans. Knowledge also says that his kind shall inhabit the world. He then points to the others and denotes them as the gods of Wizards, Vampires, and Druids. Then Knowledge says should any Human come to those three that Human may be changed to suit their needs. He gives them all one chance to leave something for their race. Human gives his race the Unbreakable Shield and Sword. The Vampires recieved the Cloak of Tolerance, which makes them able to live in the daytime without difficulty. The Druids recieved the Staff of Nature, which gives them limitless power. And the Wizards recieved the Wands of Light and Darkness, which will corrupt those of weak minds.
Then, several years later, Knowledge comes forth with the Tome of Knowledge, and says that there will be a chosen one who may recieve the tome.
Several years after that, the god of Wizards puts a stone on the earth that transforms all who touch it into wizards, in order to secure the chosen one. In order to counteract this measure, the god of Druids gave the Druids a grand tree that that transforms all who touch it into druids. The two races went to an everlasting war. The druids recieved a ritual that protected them from the wizards, but the ritual wore off in time. They were doing well in the war. Then the god of Wizards upped his advantage. He takes the souls of those who touch his stone. Such power over souls was then distributed to the wizards on the earth, who used it against the druids.
Not to be outdone, the god of Druids blesses all who touch his tree. He shows them the truth about the world. This is a horrible move for him, many who touch the tree have their souls destroyed.
This is where we stand today....
And then the room fades, and a god appears before you. He is clad like the druids and radiates power. Then he opens his mouth and speaks to you.
"Now that I have shown you the history of the world, I will put to you a question. Where did I go wrong?"
You think carefully, then reply.
"You didn't."
The god of the druids nods approval, then asks another question.
"Why?"
You reply, "Because if people cannot understand the history of the world, it's true nature, then they have no right to wield it's power."
He nods again. "You have passed. The Staff is yours by right. Also, now I must transport your Druid self to Knowlede's isle."
A strange feeling comes over you...and you feel less. The world around you appears dead, for you cannot feel the life. You feel a spirit leave your body, and it heads over the sea...and the feeling stops.
The druids stop chanting, and they take you to the outside of the tree and point you to the temple of the Wizards where the Wands must be returned. Then you make take the wizard test. They also hand you a scroll to read on the third day of your journey. They restore to you your other possesions, including the ruby of transformation. They give you a hearty amount of food and dead firewood. Then they bid you good-journey and shut their door until you return with the Staff of Nature, which will require you to rescue your Druid self.
_________________
...So I've been summoned back from beyond the veil.
...No plans yet.
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Ravenwing
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| Posted: Wed Nov 03, 2004 4:38 pm Post subject: |
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This is going great. But I must again emphasize the point that you seem to be rushing your story. The tests given to Thadius seem so easy that there is not much conflict going on.
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| Posted: Sun Nov 07, 2004 3:30 am Post subject: |
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| It is very easy to critisize, but this test was really too pointless.
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Smee
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| Posted: Sun Nov 07, 2004 4:20 am Post subject: |
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Just so you know, I'm busy reading through chapter 3 right now and hope to be joining in with this story very soon. It seems fair that you get subjected to my opinions the same as every other author.. 
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| Posted: Sun Nov 07, 2004 10:51 am Post subject: |
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im a danish second year player of battleon i know its not much to say but it will do. 
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D-Lotus
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| Posted: Sun Nov 07, 2004 6:07 pm Post subject: |
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MAny people play battleon now (sO do I sometimes..)
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 Chapter 5: The Rendezvous 
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| Posted: Sun Nov 07, 2004 8:13 pm Post subject: |
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| I like the story line just fine. I am just confused as to where we are supposed to make a decision that effects the next chapter.
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| Posted: Sun Nov 07, 2004 9:11 pm Post subject: |
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Have some imagination... The options aren't always there just for you, you gotta find them...It's not always yes or no... 8)
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Chapter 5: The Rendezvous
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| Posted: Fri Nov 12, 2004 6:29 am Post subject: |
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I know I'm rushing it a bit...sorry about that. I try to make up for the fact that I'm not on for most of the time. Now, just so you know, the wizards are not truly dead, for if they were, why bother to return the wands to the temple? Why bother ruling over a dead race? No, they live, but now they have souls again, meaning that the god of wizards does not truly control his race. Thadius will find this out shortly, and get some help from an unexpected source, as soon as I finish the main structure of the next chapter.
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...So I've been summoned back from beyond the veil.
...No plans yet.
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Reiso
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| Posted: Fri Nov 12, 2004 9:30 pm Post subject: |
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I am new to this story, but I have painstakingly gone back through all the chapters and read every detail. It is different to take it in all at once.
First things first; this is an excellent story idea that is both very imaginative and full of a variety of unique images. I think it has enormous potential.
Initially, I was going to echo the concerns of others in that the story is too rushed, the character is too perfect (not to mention cold and emotionless), there isn't enough challenging our hero and that there is not enough in the way of explanation. And while these things have been true (and still are to a lesser degree), reading it all at once has made it clear to me that there is a remarkable amount of improvement over the course of the story in your writing.
I only have two complaints really, and they are minor ones: It seems to me that there is not enough details about how and why things are the way they are. These things may seem obvious to you (being the writer), but they are not always so clear to someone who does not know why you are writing it. Try reading it as a stranger would and think about what would make sense. This is really hard to do, but maybe you know someone who is unfamiliar with the story and could test read for you. Another good way to handle this is to increase character introspection. By this I mean that he could perhaps have more inner dialogue, or even short emotional responses that are reflections of who he is and what shaped him. How did Mack and Mary become his companions for example? Or how can he do all the great things he can (pre-training via last chapter). You say that he does this or that, but you say it in the same manner in which you say he opens a door or eats his dinner - what is physically going on with him when he does these things? How is the magic at work? What visualizations does he use? These things are hard for people to track when they don't know everything about him like you do.
The other thing is that I still think things are too easy for him. He keeps stumbling across great things and having to do relatively little in order to accomplish them. Oh look! There is a precious and powerful artifact. Hey over there! That direction that I already happen to be going in leads me exactly where I only now discovered that I need to go!
I am not mocking you, honestly, it just seems that everything falls into his lap with a challenge disproportionate to it's benefits. It makes sense, it is only natural for us to want our characters to succeed and like I have said you have made great improvements in this by introducing flaws and losses that do not make him seem so mighty and all knowing, but it could still use a tad more work. Sacrifice is not the same as having essential character flaws that humanize them. It would make the character much more empathetic.
Those things aside, great work! I am thoroughly enjoying it, keep it up.
_________________
Sector 17 -- Rebuilding... ... ...
In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said, "Is it good, friend?"
"It is bitter--bitter," he answered;
"But I like it
Because it is bitter
And because it is my heart." -- Stephen Crane
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Ravenwing
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| Posted: Sat Nov 13, 2004 6:32 am Post subject: |
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| Reiso wrote: | I am new to this story, but I have painstakingly gone back through all the chapters and read every detail. It is different to take it in all at once.
First things first; this is an excellent story idea that is both very imaginative and full of a variety of unique images. I think it has enormous potential.
Initially, I was going to echo the concerns of others in that the story is too rushed, the character is too perfect (not to mention cold and emotionless), there isn't enough challenging our hero and that there is not enough in the way of explanation. And while these things have been true (and still are to a lesser degree), reading it all at once has made it clear to me that there is a remarkable amount of improvement over the course of the story in your writing.
I only have two complaints really, and they are minor ones: It seems to me that there is not enough details about how and why things are the way they are. These things may seem obvious to you (being the writer), but they are not always so clear to someone who does not know why you are writing it. Try reading it as a stranger would and think about what would make sense. This is really hard to do, but maybe you know someone who is unfamiliar with the story and could test read for you. Another good way to handle this is to increase character introspection. By this I mean that he could perhaps have more inner dialogue, or even short emotional responses that are reflections of who he is and what shaped him. How did Mack and Mary become his companions for example? Or how can he do all the great things he can (pre-training via last chapter). You say that he does this or that, but you say it in the same manner in which you say he opens a door or eats his dinner - what is physically going on with him when he does these things? How is the magic at work? What visualizations does he use? These things are hard for people to track when they don't know everything about him like you do.
The other thing is that I still think things are too easy for him. He keeps stumbling across great things and having to do relatively little in order to accomplish them. Oh look! There is a precious and powerful artifact. Hey over there! That direction that I already happen to be going in leads me exactly where I only now discovered that I need to go!
I am not mocking you, honestly, it just seems that everything falls into his lap with a challenge disproportionate to it's benefits. It makes sense, it is only natural for us to want our characters to succeed and like I have said you have made great improvements in this by introducing flaws and losses that do not make him seem so mighty and all knowing, but it could still use a tad more work. Sacrifice is not the same as having essential character flaws that humanize them. It would make the character much more empathetic.
Those things aside, great work! I am thoroughly enjoying it, keep it up. |
How do you do it, Reiso? You seem to have put everyone's complaints into once nice post. Anyways I agree with you all points. I like the whole plot, it just needs some more conflict.
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New Story: Glassbreaker Presently on Hiatus until further notice.
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Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
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| Posted: Sat Nov 13, 2004 2:33 pm Post subject: |
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| Hmm... When Mother Nature said that the staff of nature was his to right... She never said where it was... What was strange was there was no reaction from the character... didn't even ask where or when he would encounter it. Also, he just walks into the fallen tower and takes the test? Seems too easy for me
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| Posted: Sat Nov 13, 2004 8:50 pm Post subject: |
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| It would seem everybody has come to the same concensus. But Ideamaster, I think you have a great start. You just need more complication thats all.
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Reiso
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| Posted: Sun Nov 14, 2004 1:47 am Post subject: |
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| Ravenwing wrote: | | How do you do it, Reiso? You seem to have put everyone's complaints into once nice post. Anyways I agree with you all points. I like the whole plot, it just needs some more conflict. |
A lot of practice and a little tact
(Not to mention a whole lot of free time)
Besides, I genuinely like this story and that's saying a lot since I normally don't like Vampire stories. At all.
But this one is good.
_________________
Sector 17 -- Rebuilding... ... ...
In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said, "Is it good, friend?"
"It is bitter--bitter," he answered;
"But I like it
Because it is bitter
And because it is my heart." -- Stephen Crane
Last edited by Reiso on Mon Nov 15, 2004 6:00 am; edited 1 time in total
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Smee
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| Posted: Mon Nov 15, 2004 5:48 am Post subject: |
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Lets make Resio's head a little bigger :wink: :
I have now finished the reading, and also enjoyed it. But thanks to Reiso my comments have already been made.
Great writing Idea master, and getting better each chapter. Hopefully we can help you make it continue this trend.
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Last edited by Smee on Mon Nov 15, 2004 6:10 am; edited 1 time in total
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Reiso
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| Posted: Mon Nov 15, 2004 6:05 am Post subject: |
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If only I could write as well as I expect others to, but therein lies the paradox for many of us I suppose.
Hey Smee, have you been spelling it Resio this whole time? Makes me sound like some kind of resin . . . .
_________________
Sector 17 -- Rebuilding... ... ...
In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said, "Is it good, friend?"
"It is bitter--bitter," he answered;
"But I like it
Because it is bitter
And because it is my heart." -- Stephen Crane
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Smee
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| Posted: Mon Nov 15, 2004 6:09 am Post subject: |
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Lol - no I don't think so.
I usually am careful about that sort of thing, but I'm trying to catch up with the amazing amount of posts that have appeared in the short time I was away and I got sloppy.
Don't worry Resio I'll get it right next time :wink:
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| Posted: Mon Nov 15, 2004 2:32 pm Post subject: |
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You two are having too much fun!
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Reiso
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| Posted: Mon Nov 15, 2004 7:15 pm Post subject: |
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Blast you Smee and your half-too much fun!!!
<waves fist angrily like crotchety old man>
_________________
Sector 17 -- Rebuilding... ... ...
In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said, "Is it good, friend?"
"It is bitter--bitter," he answered;
"But I like it
Because it is bitter
And because it is my heart." -- Stephen Crane
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| Posted: Tue Nov 16, 2004 5:23 pm Post subject: |
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| The role of crotchity old man has been filled already. Sorry Reiso. Guess we could be like the two old guys in the balcony from the Muppet Show if you want.hehe
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Reiso
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| Posted: Wed Nov 17, 2004 1:57 am Post subject: |
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I said like a crotchety old man - which believe me, if you could see me you would realize just how much funnier that is.
Muppets . . . bah!
_________________
Sector 17 -- Rebuilding... ... ...
In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said, "Is it good, friend?"
"It is bitter--bitter," he answered;
"But I like it
Because it is bitter
And because it is my heart." -- Stephen Crane
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Idea master
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| Posted: Mon Nov 22, 2004 6:29 am Post subject: |
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I should have learned by now to check in more than once a week. Well...all this is helping me learn a bit about what NOT to do. I do have multiple story ideas floating around and mayhap I'll do another story after this one. Now...letsee...the artifacts belong to whoever passes the tests thereof, and when the druid God asked Thadius the question, that was the test. I have the next chapter mostly blocked out...just gotta add a bit and...okay, I think it's ready...there!
_________________
...So I've been summoned back from beyond the veil.
...No plans yet.
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