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ethereal_fauna
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 Posted: Mon Sep 19, 2005 5:09 am Post subject: September Linear Stories Contest |
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Time to begin September's competition:
You will have about 3 weeks to write a short story, edit it, and post it for consideration. Submissions should be posted on or before 10 October, and polling will begin on 12 October.
Proof readers will take your story, break it down, make sure it fits the word limit, grammar, spelling, plot, character development, etc. are all present and correct. This is a voluntary effort and no one person's responsibility. Please make comments and criticisms of entries constructive.
You can make changes to your story all the way up to the final posting date. After that, the stories that have not passed the critique will be disqualified. Those that are left will be put up for a vote for anyone to vote on.
If you win, you get to brag for a whole month. The honor is listed on your profile and your story is immortalized in the City Auditorium.
This will be run like a professional writing contest. Your story will be edited, picked apart, and thoroughly looked at. If you exceed more than ten spelling or grammar errors, your story will be given back to you to rewrite. So check your work.
If your work goes over the word limit it will be given back to shorten. If it remains the same length it will be disqualified.
If your story does not follow the topic and genre, it will be given back to you to rewrite.
Things that must be right vs. artistic freedom- There are things like plot, and flow that might be your intent. That is totally cool. A proof reader might suggest that you pick up the pace or add more detail here and there. That is your choice to do or not. If you feel the story can stand on its own without change that is fine. Spelling, grammar, genre, word count, etc. are expected to be correct, no exceptions.
If you are proofreading- Look for spelling and grammar mistakes first. Word count comes next. Then answer the following questions for the story.
Did it stay within the genre?
Did it follow the topic?
Did it have a beginning, middle, and an end?
After you have done this feel free to comment on the story as you see fit. Bear in mind that anything beyond what is listed above is pretty much considered opinion. This can be taken or left by the author.
The genre and topic for this month:
1500 words, author's choice of scifi, horror, or fantasy.
Topic: All good things eventually end. Chronicle the demise of a civilization. This could be anything from the destruction of an entire world, to the obscure and silent ending of a colony of ants. The sole requirement is that by the end of the story, everyone or everything must face death.
Good luck, and be creative!
Last edited by ethereal_fauna on Wed Oct 12, 2005 6:48 am; edited 1 time in total
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Smee
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| Posted: Tue Sep 27, 2005 4:52 am Post subject: |
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Time for me to get back into this competition.
Of course, once again I went over the word limit and had to extract parts. I'm down now to 1495 words.
Here goes...
"Is it inevitable?"
The panic on his face was clear. His eyes were wide and his mouth opening and closing repeatedly as his brain searched frantically for a solution yet to be tried. Surely they hadn't tried everything.
There was one thing left to try, but I struggled with the decision whether to tell him or not. It's chances so slight. Everything that could be done was already happening, he could do nothing to help. Best if he expected the worst and began the futile attempt to evacuate - the desperate fleeing would at least keep his mind occupied. Again I re-vowed not to tell him.
"I'm sorry Daniel - there is no hope here. Best you get out, you've left it too long as it is. Your family needs you more than Atlantis does now."
"What about you Sir"
I had expected the question. Once again the idea of telling him stubbornly flashed through my head, but even faster this time I reconfirmed my conviction.
"I have nothing else but Atlantis. I'm staying to the end".
My face was set like granite. Daniel saw the determination in my eyes and mistook it for the determination to stay. Actually I was still holding out hope that our last ditch attempt would miraculously work. I didn't want to stay, and had it been my choice I would have left with the first batch of evacuees - although even then survival was by no means guaranteed. I was needed here, and until now, so had Daniel. He had now done all he could.
Did he not therefore deserve to know the truth? He'd worked without complaint long past the civilian evacuation procedures. If he was going to die surely he had a right to know evacuation was pointless.
"I want to stay."
He said it almost matter of flatly, his face showing a grim determination of his own now. I attempted to dissuade him immediately.
"What about your family?"
"I've done the calculations. They have as much chance of survival as I do"
Internally I died. Damn his calculations. For once could he not of calculated every eventuality. I managed to keep my thoughts from my face and tried one last attempt.
"What are you talking about? They left over 4 hours ago, they'd be at least 200 miles from here by now - and there is still time for you to get away and join them."
"I appreciate what you are trying to do Sir, but my calculations show that everything in a 600 miles radius will be totally disintegrated, including up to 40'000 feet. Not even a jet would get me away in time now Sir."
I died again. He had indeed done the calculations. Publicly released figures detailed the catastrophe to be contained within The Sphere, which stretched for 128 miles. Panic had to be controlled and this was the easiest way. Every evacuation pod had been programmed not to stop for 700 miles regardless. If the Sphere is breached the pods would immediately sedate everyone aboard with a gas including the staff - a small gesture to make their inevitable deaths as painless as possible.
Clearly he was determined, worse he was right. I had to tell him that there was still one small hope.
"Damn you Daniel. So eager to die."
"No sir, just do what I can for the good of Atlantis."
"Well if you are determined to stay, maybe there is something you can do. Since before you even heard of the problem we've been aware of it and have been working towards a solution. A long shot is an understatement. It's an 'if all else fails' plan but we decided to try anyway."
The shock, followed closely by a kind of eager determination, flowed on to Daniel's face.
"What can I do Sir?"
"In exactly 7mins 43 seconds we will be ready to go. As you're here I would like you to double check my calculations. I may have missed something."
"Sure thing Sir."
I handed him a data console and watched him immediately hasten through the complicated mathematics. Even though I'd triple checked them myself I was old enough to realise that I was as infallible as anyone else and the young solider had more than proven himself competent at the task with his earlier announcement of his own certain death. If he found something, anything, it could be the crucial adjustment.
"Sir, are these calculations accurate! We're going to try and shoot it down!"
"I told you it was a long shot - did I forget to mention 'literally' "
I tried to look innocent at my inappropriate timing for a joke, but Daniel was past such etiquette and burst out with a laugh. I resisted for a second and laughed as well.
"Sir, the chances of such a shot are astronomical - How can you ever expect it to work? How are you powering such a thing, why it would need..."
He quickly looked down at the console, scribbled something with the stylus and looked up again
"...Over 10 times of all the power of Atlantis, just for one shot."
"I know Daniel. We've been preparing this for over 8 years, including twenty power plants located 80 miles from the edge of the sphere where no one would look."
The enormity of what we'd done was realised by Daniel.
"So, we can actually try this?"
"Yes"
"And the actual chances of destroying it?"
"Less than you think but more than zero" I answered wryly.
Blinking suddenly, he looked down one more time and then handed the console back to me.
"They are as right as I can determine, as I'm sure you knew, Sir"
"Aye Solider, let's hope they are right enough. Three minutes to go. Get over to the station over there - you can see readings from the power plants. Any sign of them overheating then let me know"
As he all but raced to the terminal I walked over to mine. At the press of a button the roof over our head opened up - metal gears grinding as the huge piece of metal was pulled back into it's rarely used recess. The perfect blue sky filling our view.
Almost immediately the threat to our existence became apparent. High overhead, the massive glowing ball dwarfing the size of the moon hung in the sky as if it were completely still. Instead the gigantic piece of rock and ice was hurtling towards us at well over 300'00 miles an hour. In a little over 2 minutes it would plunge into the Earth, obliterating everything - either with the force of the impact, or with the resulting nuclear winter caused by the massive dust cloud that would surround the planet.
I pressed another button. Although nothing seemed to happen, a monitor at the weapon site revealed that the roof had opened there as well.
"Charge the power cells Daniel. I want every last watt of power you can give me."
"Aye Sir, power cells charging. They will reach full power in 16..15 seconds and counting."
"I'm loading the calculations into the computer. Assigning automatic firing procedures."
The gigantic laser wasn't anywhere near powerful enough to destroy the meteorite from anything but 'point-blank range'. That meant the moment it breached the Thermosphere. We then had just 14 seconds to break it into the smallest pieces we could, allowing the atmosphere to burn them up.
"Power cell charge complete Sir"
"Standby for firing in 10...9....8...."
Pressing another button and moving away from the console I beckoned to Daniel to join me. The count down continued in the monotone of the computer.
7...6...
5...4...3...
This was it.
2...1...
A mighty red beam of light shot up from the mountains in the distance straight up to the glowing mass in the sky. In the instant before it hit I felt the heat of the beam even from the distance we were at. Surely it was powerful enough.
I got my answer. The beam bit into the monstrous rock and immediately huge pieces could be seen flying out sideways under the massive impact of the laser. The briefest glace at Daniel showed him watching with his mouth agape.
Turning instantly back I watched transfixed at the laser continued to pummel and break it apart. Yet still it kept coming.
A massive chunk, about a fifth the overall size, broke away from the main suddenly, and flew out sideways into space. Yet still it kept coming.
A piercing alarm broke our attention away and Daniel pelted for the console.
"The power cells are drained Sir, we've only got 2 seconds of po..."
Before he could finish I watched the mighty beam extinguish with a final explosion of smaller rocks. A second later the mountains themselves exploded with the pressure put on the power plants. It was meaningless.
I turned to Daniel, the failure all too clear on my face.
"It's over."
_________________
The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
Last edited by Smee on Tue Oct 11, 2005 12:02 pm; edited 1 time in total
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The Powers That Be
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| Posted: Sat Oct 01, 2005 4:27 pm Post subject: |
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I've been held hostage by real life for the last several weeks, and I'm hopelessly behind on writing, particularly for Abducted!. But I'm back now, and I figure I'll start getting back into it with this.
Uncharacteristically, I had plenty of words to spare.
It was said, falsely, that the answer was found only after all hope was lost. In truth, all hope should have been lost. The inevitability of defeat had been clear for a long time to anyone willing to perform the brutal calculus of war. Outnumbered, outgunned, outwitted at every turn, humanity was steadily yielding ground to the Others, planet by planet, system by system. The chances of victory had dwindled to a mathematical abstraction, a fraction that made “one in a million” seem like a sure thing. And yet, the human capacity for hope, for blind, pointless, absurd self-delusion, was not yet breached. And so it was that the small group of researchers gathered on Earth’s tiny moon toiled on. They had long ago exhausted the obvious and considered the improbable. More recently, they had abandoned the improbable in favor of the impossible. And finally, with no alternative but despair, they progressed to the unthinkable, the intolerable. It was then, when they had finally freed themselves of constraints, of ethical and moral considerations, that they found the solution.
Biological warfare was not a new idea, nor one that was repugnant to all. The means that were used, however, in this desperate hour in this remote place, would later be condemned as inexcusable, even in the face of absolute proof that there was no other route to survival. Suffice it to say that a certain chemical was required to make the virus that would win the war, and this chemical was produced in the bodies of the Others only when subjected to the most extreme forms of torture. As soon as the discovery was made, prisoners of war were transported from far and wide to the Moon to support production.
The virus was really quite ingenious. Airborne and fast to reproduce, it would spread quickly through the populace. The course of the infection was twofold. First it attacked the brain, creating in the victim an overwhelming desire to return home. Carriers in this stage would, like the extinct salmon of Earth, forget all other tasks and brave any obstacles to make their way back to the place of their birth. Each virus was a Pied Piper in reverse, drawing a single rat back to his or her personal Hamelin, where billions of residents waited to be infected in turn.
When the infected Other did reach home, changes in brain chemistry would trigger the second, more conventional, deadly phase of the disease. This phase was long and protracted, as the victim’s body slowly, painfully shut down, organ by organ. The pain and incapacitation would make the victims beg for the death that was still days or weeks away. Eventually, though, their wishes would be granted.
The virus was released in the Betelgeuse system, only recently conceded to the Others. It worked perfectly as advertised. Within days, the planets were emptied, the Others’ ships flying off in all directions as the invaders retraced their steps back to their corner of the galaxy. Before long, all of humanity’s planets had been reclaimed. And soon, the armed forces began to advance, landing on the planets of the Others, usually with no resistance.
A few weeks after the initial release, the Others announced their unconditional surrender. Humanity rejoiced, but only briefly. It wasn’t long before reports began to filter back, stories and images of the Others’ worlds, dominated by slow, painful, inexorable death. Rumors also spread about how the virus was manufactured and what was being done to POWs in humanity’s name.
The Others begged for a cure or at least for help stopping the spread of the virus. The human population similarly petitioned its leaders to come to the aid of the defeated. But there was no cure and the spread could not be stopped.
On the worlds of humanity, there were trials and recriminations. Animosity grew between those who saw the final solution as necessary and those who saw it as unforgivable. Entire planets threatened secession. Local civil wars started and threatened to spread through the galaxy.
Meanwhile, on a remote planet beyond where the war had ever reached, the last of the Others, its body wracked by pain and deformed beyond recognition, perished.
It was at this moment that the Voice was heard. It came from everywhere and nowhere, it was heard by all humans throughout the galaxy, and it was happy.
“Congratulations, my children! You have accomplished a remarkable deed and the people of the galaxy owe you a great debt of gratitude.”
Everywhere, questions were asked. Who are you? What is happening? Where is that voice coming from? But no answers were to come. The Voice was speaking only, not listening.
“We have run billions of full simulations with true AI. Every one, until now, has ended with the complete extermination of humanity. You alone have survived. Not only have you survived, you have won! And by winning your simulated war, you have shown us the way to win the real one. We have collected your data and the virus is being formulated even as we speak. We will do just as you have done, and we will be victorious. Thank you all.”
There was a short pause, and then billions of voices rose up in protest. You are mistaken – we are real, shouted many. Our solution was wrong! Do not repeat our mistakes, pleaded more. What will happen to us now? asked still others. Only this last group would receive a response.
A second Voice cut through the din, with the cold intonation of a computer. “Simulation 18,430,243,971 complete. Termination in 60 seconds. 59…58…”
An entire simulated galaxy froze in horror, unwilling and unable to accept their fate. Noone spoke. Noone moved. Everyone listened, and waited, and wondered.
Everyone, that is, except for the army’s E Company, stationed on the homeworld of the Others. Their mission was to clean up the planet, make it ready for colonization. It was an unpleasant mission involving incineration and the filling of mass graves, and it was far from finished. The simulated soldiers of E Company were not working, however. Nor were they listening to the ethereal countdown. There was no panic or fear in them. There was only a single thought, relentlessly repeating in each one of their minds, driving them back to their ships. A single goal, an impossible goal, denied by the very countdown they ignored. Home.
_________________
Abduction! is in the Stasis Hall, but read it anyway!
Got a problem? Write to Dear Dotty!
Last edited by The Powers That Be on Tue Oct 11, 2005 7:29 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Smee
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| Posted: Mon Oct 03, 2005 6:22 am Post subject: |
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I'm still reading but :
DON'T PANIC, but that sounds suspiciously familiar. 
Finished:
Very good - I liked it. 
A good thought provoking one.
_________________
The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
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| Posted: Mon Oct 03, 2005 11:50 am Post subject: |
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Man did it feel good to write again!
Not really sure if this will count for this month. I consider it sci-fi but you may have a different opinion once you have read it.
The Enemy Afar
I watch the troop movements with curiosity. This is an unplanned maneuver but one I am sure I can counter. I knew this enemy all too well. Like the angels and demons we have battled relentlessly for what seems like ages now. In the throes of domination, time means little. Those that sacrificed their lives to the cause, cared little for how long they had lasted, or what day of the week it was.
I wonder what time feels like when you are dead. Is it true that your life passes before your eyes? Is it true that when you die, you die alone? What role does time play in the overall sense of this thing called life?
Such human emotions are foreign and dead to me. Questions I am often asked yet unable to ponder. Now the enemy has outwitted me and stands at my doorstep. Do my own troops now concern themselves with such philosophy?
Another year passes.
My enemy has now brought forth engineers. His army swells as he finds the unprotected road I have foolishly forgotten I built. That was ages ago by my reckoning. His engineers now begin laying tracks on the long forgotten road. Tracks that will allow his troops to move faster, and farther before having to rest and will inevitably lead to the last bastion of my people.
I check my databanks again for any sign of hope. I cannot produce the troops fast enough anymore. I sent my best men too far to the west, over the ranging mountains to try and sack one of the coastal cities. If I could rebuild my navy, I would have a chance. But his technology far exceeds my own paltry efforts. My men were decimated.
Now I have only this last city left in what was once a great empire. I spanned leagues across this continent and ruled my people in a manner of peace and tranquility. When I first made contact with my enemy I offered him peace, maps of our exploration, even money from our deep coffers. But he would have none of it. He wanted to dominate the land through war. It appeared now he would get his wish.
Another year passes.
My only reprieve is that it is taking him longer than he expected to build the tracks. His engineers look at terra-forming the land into a more workable solution. But that would take decades more to finish. Even his technology must await the slow drum of time. Although, I cannot even accomplish such a thing as changing the terrain, I do not sit idly and wait for him.
I have used the time to generate troops. I have also sent out a group of settlers to the north, a barren land to be sure but a land of possible refuge. What little intelligence I can gather tells me my enemy has never explored the northern reaches of our land. If my refugees can make it there, perhaps they can rebuild and carry on our traditions and way of life. Only time will tell.
Another year passes.
Damn him! He has placed troops to the north, in a fortified position. The refugees were annihilated! He shows no mercy!
I have spoken with my city council on this. The thought of surrendering ourselves has occurred. But I cannot. We are the last to fight against him. He will not take my people without a fight. He will not simply march into the last remaining city as if he were simply a change of the seasons! Yes I do understand the likelihood that we will all be destroyed. Our civilization brought to ruin by the cruel whim of a mad dictator. It appears that nothing can stop him. But we will fight. We will not surrender control and leave the world in his blood soaked hands.
There must be a way. He now is trying to build his tracks through the mountains that surround our home. He will succeed, eventually. But it will slow him down. I must use this time wisely.
Another year passes.
My spies have stolen a wonderful piece of technology from my enemy! It is called a bomb! According to the information we have it can ignite and wipe out a great many of our enemy at one time! The method of building it is long and arduous. I have put every available man to this problem. We need resources for such an undertaking and I have ordered that no expense be spared. We are still a rich people and have the intelligence to meet this demand.
It is no doubt dangerous. I have my doubts about creating such a weapon. Many lives will be lost. But it was my council that pointed out our need. We have nowhere left to run. We have nowhere to hide. We are out of choices and with each passing year, we run out of time. Soon the decision will be out of my hands. We will have nothing left at all.
It is with a trembling hand, and a tear that I sign into action the creation of this thing. While it does deliver hope, it also brings with it a high price.
Another year passes.
We are almost complete. Another year and we will be finished with our new weapon. It has been a scary prospect. We have lost good men putting it together.
I have read the documentations the spies recovered and I was appalled at the frightening statistics it spouted. The worst was the after effects. For centuries the countryside would be ripped and torn by the devastation. Entire cities could be wiped away with just one of these bombs. It is a weapon worthy of my opponent. It is ruthless, merciless, but it is also a weapon of hope. At least the death for those caught in its blast will be quick. For those left behind, it will be a slow torturous hell.
Another year passes.
It is done. And upon my orders I have sent the bomb into the heart of my enemy. My council wanted to send it to one of his cities, for the apparatus can fly great distances. But I could not bring such death up on the innocent. They live their lives as they do. They do not interfere with ours. It is the troops and the person leading them that I am after. Cut off the head of the snake, and the body is harmless. I must see this through.
Another year passes.
You cannot imagine the devastation the bomb has caused. As if someone ripped a hole in the earth and filled it with the bloody and burnt remains of those caught in its terrible blast. It was as if the devil himself was released upon the enemy troops.
The destruction was uncharitable. Never before and I pray never again will such a thing be witnessed. I am ashamed of my action even in defense of our home. But I will do it again should the need arise. I am the leader of these people. Such decisions must be made for the betterment of all.
However, this is a need I’ll never need to worry about again. He is retaliating. Armored beasts approach from all sides, raining fire and devastation upon us. We cannot fight this.
Another year passes.
We are done. I no longer have a trained man left in the city to fight. We are down to but a glimmer of our population. His troops have entered the streets and are even now wiping out resistance. I can hear them patrolling the streets.
They have entered our capital. I hear them on the steps leading to my room. I can only hope…
GAME OVER
You Have Won!
Tyler gave a whoop as he watched his men capture the enemy leader. As the computer screen fed him stats he glanced at the shiny new box. SimCiv was quickly becoming his favorite game. He looked up in time the see the final stat scroll by: Method of Victory: Total Annihilation.
Tyler considered trying one of the harder levels as he clicked the play again option on his screen.
Last edited by Random on Mon Oct 10, 2005 11:50 am; edited 2 times in total
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ethereal_fauna
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| Posted: Tue Oct 04, 2005 12:23 am Post subject: |
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Great! Three excellent submissions thus far. I've spotted a few technicalities, and will post regarding those when time permits. 
Hope to read a few more entries before the vote goes up.
_________________
The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Smee
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| Posted: Tue Oct 04, 2005 3:16 am Post subject: |
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Nice Random -
The tone throughout gave the impression of some revelation that would come at the end and shock.
A computer game - very good. I didn't see that one coming, but at the same time I should have expected it. An entertaining similarity to Fauna's playful entry about revenge a few months ago.
Keep them coming people.
_________________
The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
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D-Lotus
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| Posted: Tue Oct 04, 2005 8:03 pm Post subject: |
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Powers, that was a really good story. Smee, it was ok. Haven't read last one.
_________________
 Chapter 5: The Rendezvous 
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ethereal_fauna
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| Posted: Sun Oct 09, 2005 7:11 pm Post subject: |
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Great entries so far...and I hope to see a few more slip in under the door at the last minute. The poll won’t open until Wednesday, and unless anyone objects I suppose we could continue accepting submissions until then. The three so far fall within the word limit, and a couple of piddling technicalities are offered below:
Smee: Did he not therefore deserve to know the truth. (Not a rhetorical question, but a bona fide one. Punctuate accordingly.)
Publicly released figures detailed the catastrophe to be contained within The Sphere which stretched for 128 miles. (Sphere, which)
Powers: The pain and incapacitation would make the victims beg for the death which was still days or weeks away. (death that)
Random: Only time will tell.
Another year passes. (Inconsistent, double space)
The refugee’s were annihilated! (refugees)
_________________
The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
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| Posted: Mon Oct 10, 2005 9:14 am Post subject: |
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ha i finally wrote a linear story for the contest. hope it's liked.
*Beep, Beep, Beep*, “It’s a lovely day this morning in Frapiona and...*click*”. Zorona switched off the alarm and sat up on the bed. He felt a hand reach out and start caressing the small of his back and he turned around to see his lover of the night.
“Good morning hun,” she greeted, “how did you sleep, not that we did much of that.”
He grunted incoherently in response and started finding all his clothes from off the floor. He missed the city, there his escape always went unnoticed, but here in this little town the women didn’t seem to understand when they were only wanted as a one-night stand.
“Hey big boy, where’s the hurry? Don’t you want to at least stay for breakfast?” she asked with a concerned look in her eyes.
“No, I have to get to work,” he made up some random excuse, “I’ll catch you later,” and with that he went out the door never to see his last lover again.
He strolled down the street, not paying much attention to his surroundings, so he didn’t notice everyone around him looking and pointing up to the sky. It was the strangest sight ever seen in this little town; it looked like the ocean was in the sky. The clouds were a deep dark blue and convulsing like waves. Then all of a sudden it changed, they turned a deep dark red with highlights of orange and yellow running through them and dancing as though on fire. They changed again this time to a dark green and fluttering slowly as though leaves in a tree.
It was during this transposition that Zorona finally took notice of the sky. He looked up and gasped in surprise for never had he seen anything like it before. He ran the rest of the way home and turned on the radio, “Strange and unexplainable overcast skies are being reported all over the country,” the announcer said, “no matter what is tried satellites cannot get a visual on these strange occurrences...” Zorona turned off the radio and took a look out of the window. The sky now had the composition of a magma flow, some of it even looked like it wanted to fall down in great globs down on the people below. Then something very strange happened; all of a sudden the clouds were just gone, like someone just rubbed them all away.
“Well that was strange, what happens now,” Zorona asked himself. He soon got his answer for shortly after the clouds disappeared a dazzlement of lights appeared overhead. He didn’t know what to make of this unusual display, but the people down in the streets started screaming and pointing. “It’s a missile attack from some foreign power,” many people announced. This of course added to the pandemonium going on below. He didn’t know what to think of these events, it didn’t feel threatening, how wrong he was. He plopped down on the bed and tried to catch up on lost sleep from the evening. He slept for maybe an hour before this deafening scream pierced through the air causing him to sit bolt upright and rush to the window, what he saw there would be his last. The orbs of light he thought weren’t that threatening had crashed down and were now setting everything on fire, but that wasn’t the worst of it. There was now a huge ball of light that took up the whole sky heading slowly towards the surface. He watched in terror as the great mass slowly, ever so slowly penetrated the atmosphere and then it just stopped. It hovered in the air then it imploded in on itself. There was a blinding flash of white light, and then there was no more.
Last edited by Chainfire on Wed Oct 12, 2005 6:37 am; edited 1 time in total
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Smee
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| Posted: Mon Oct 10, 2005 10:45 am Post subject: |
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Hey Chain,
Excellent to see you finally get in the comp - and a sneaky last minute entry, how cunning. 
A great story, told from clever point of view - the not so heroic Zorona. I hasten to add not all men are that bad
The only thing I didn't like about the story, as I though it broke the flow, was the 'narrator' type ends to sentences...
| Quote: | | what he saw there would be his last. |
| Quote: | | but that wasn’t the worst of it. |
They sound to me like someone just popping in and ruining the plot - telling me what's going to happen when I want to find out for myself.
You have a good story, you don't need to keep us interested by telling us what happens. The story does that on it's own.
I noticed one little typo:
| Quote: | | He slept for maybe and hour |
Happy Writing
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The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
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D-Lotus
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| Posted: Mon Oct 10, 2005 2:04 pm Post subject: |
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Ok, here's my clumsy attempt at a hasty last entrance. Some things will seem incorrectly written, but they're done on purpose, except the spelling errors.
God is Just?
Jaques sat among the pile of rotting corpses, laughing. He laughed addictively, as if he hung by a golden thread to life, a thread made of gasping, pleading, throat-rasping laughter. Slowly, coughing began to intermingle with laughing, and soon he shook with tears. Tears like rain began dripping from his eyes, cutting salty rivers into his blood soaked face. Suddenly he drew his head back and yelled while banging his fists into the red ground, unable to stand his desperation any longer.
Everything around Jaques was red stained. Even Jaques was red stained. If his clothes had had any color before, now they had completely lost it, forever red among the grey corpses that marked what had moments before been his world; a small diminished world of death...now.
Then finally his anguished yell perished, as had everything around him hours before. He stared down at his hands for a long time, contemplating, then finally he raised his eyes again, maniacly hopeful.
“It’s wine.” He laughed. “It’s wine!” He shifted around, until he was on his knees, then groped around. Finally he drew his hands to one of the many rivers of blood that were born among the cold mountains of the grim bodies and...drank, laughing again.
“It’s red wine!” he cried, spitting it out in disgust as he pondered upon life with horror drawn upon his face. He got up and watched the diminishing fires eating away at the diminishing life in the diminished city. If there had been blade of grass that hadn’t been covered by death, it would have been rooted out, so as to not interfere with the great pattern of destruction in the forsaken place.
What Jaques could remember didn’t matter much, the destruction had always lingered like a malignant odor upon his city, waiting for the right moment to explode to it’s fullest extent; spreading itself through every house, every room, every cranny of the already decaying city.
What had happened in a flash, a beam, drawing amazed, vislumbrated looks from all. Then another flash, and another, until everyone was blinded, panicking. Everyone except Jaques. To Jaques nothing seemed wrong, although the screams baffled him and confused him. Jaques couldn’t, not even now, distinguish between the red that covered everything, and the normal colors that had been replaced through the horrible process of massacre.
Jaques was blind.
Jaques didn’t know why or how it had happened. He'd been asking himself amid desolate sobs these questions, but found no answers, because there are none. He knew that he had sat among a pile of corpses for hours on hours, crying. He knew that he had felt splashed with blood as people ran near him; he had felt life draining around him as thudding noises of dead men and women hitting the floor pervaded his hearing.
A man had tried to help him, taking pity on a blind man even as he had to run for his own life. He’d grabbed Jaques and pulled, screaming at him to run. He’d tried, before his grip weakened and his body shuddered and he slowly dropped to the floor, leaking blood. Jaques prayed he would go to heaven, that man.
Jaques felt around the floor for his walking stick, found it, and hastily drew it near him for comfort.
“It’s not wine, it’s blood.”
Then he cried again. He cried for the families that weren’t his, and for children that weren’t his, and for anyone who wasn’t his but needed someone else to cry for them. And he cried for the people that had caused this destruction, because they didn’t know what they had really done, and if they did know, then he cried for them anyway, because they were doomed to live that way forever. Then he got up, drew his cane in front of him, and stepped over the rotting corpses, making his way slowly, step by step. He turned his head towards the sky, his long wet hair pending in the chilly air. He smiled.
“Now I know why you made me blind, you bastard.”
_________________
Chapter 5: The Rendezvous
Last edited by D-Lotus on Tue Oct 11, 2005 7:06 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Hyperion
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| Posted: Mon Oct 10, 2005 4:00 pm Post subject: |
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| Great! But... Um.... Why did everyone die again?
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D-Lotus
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| Posted: Mon Oct 10, 2005 6:01 pm Post subject: |
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Cut the sarcasm off, Hyper...or is it...I mean, we can't really tell through the internet.
The point is to leave it ambigous. It doesn't matter HOW it happened, all that matters is what happened. The point of my story is to illustrate the after effects.
If you really want to know, itt's this weapon that launches beams of light that kill you, But since the guy is blind...horray! He doesn't die, because he can't see the beams!
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Chapter 5: The Rendezvous
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| Posted: Tue Oct 11, 2005 2:48 am Post subject: |
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| "Ah..." Hyperion said ambigiously...
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kingcappie
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| Posted: Tue Oct 11, 2005 11:13 am Post subject: |
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| D-Lotus wrote: | | Ok, here's my clumsy attempt at a hasty last entrance. Some things will seem incorrectly written, but they're done on purpose, except the spelling errors. |
Good entry, D-Lotus. I spotted a few errors.
He stared down at his hands for a long time, contemplating, then finally he raised his eyes again, maniacly hopeful.
“It’s red wine!” he cried, spitting it out in digust as he pondered upon life with horror drawn upon his face.
What had happened happened in a flash, a beam, drawing amazed, vislumbrated looks from all. ~Maybe use occurred, took place...
Jaques couldn’t, not even now, distinguish between the red that covered everything, and the normal colors that had been replaced through the horrible proccess of massacre.
...he had felt life draining around him as thudding noises of dead men and woman hitting the floor pervaded his hearing.
He’d grabbed Jaques and pulled,screaming at him to run. ~need a space
He turned his head torwards the sky, his long wet hair pending in the chilly air.
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D-Lotus
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| Posted: Tue Oct 11, 2005 7:08 pm Post subject: |
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Hey, thanks.
I think I corrected everything. Sorry for the poor quality, but I didn't have much time.
_________________
Chapter 5: The Rendezvous
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| Posted: Tue Oct 11, 2005 8:34 pm Post subject: |
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| I'll give you a D for that story...
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ethereal_fauna
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| Posted: Wed Oct 12, 2005 6:49 am Post subject: |
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Polling is open through Saturday, when the new champion will strip the belt from my grasping hands and gloat for a whole month. Cast your votes!
_________________
The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
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D-Lotus
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| Posted: Wed Oct 12, 2005 6:36 pm Post subject: |
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Damn, if I had just voted for myself i would be winning!!!! Oh well. Powers gets my vote for creativity and coolness.
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Chapter 5: The Rendezvous
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D-Lotus
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| Posted: Thu Oct 13, 2005 6:19 pm Post subject: |
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Wow! Three way tie!
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ethereal_fauna
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| Posted: Fri Oct 14, 2005 2:56 am Post subject: |
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The poll should stay open for one more day...I think I set it for Saturday. This looks like a tight race. Hmmmm, what to do in the event of a tie? *thinking*
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The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Smee
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| Posted: Fri Oct 14, 2005 3:31 am Post subject: |
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ooh - someone else voted for me
Thank you mystery voter
If Random hasn't voted he could be a good deciding voter in the case of a tie - the comp was his idea.
Maybe Key could if not?
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ethereal_fauna
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| Posted: Fri Oct 14, 2005 4:38 am Post subject: |
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That is dependent on whether they've already voted or not. Of course Key could simply exercise his mayoral authority--and flip a coin.
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The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
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The Powers That Be
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| Posted: Fri Oct 14, 2005 9:45 am Post subject: |
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Whoo-hoo, somebody broke the tie!
*breaks into the Dance of Premature Celebration, which invariably ends in embarrassment and humiliation after late votes change the outcome*
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Abduction! is in the Stasis Hall, but read it anyway!
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ethereal_fauna
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| Posted: Fri Oct 14, 2005 10:07 am Post subject: |
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*watches the Dance of Premature Celebration with mild terror, clenching belt snugly*
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The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Muaddib
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| Posted: Sat Oct 15, 2005 1:45 am Post subject: |
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| Damnit, I can't believe I missed such a great topic!
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ethereal_fauna
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| Posted: Sat Oct 15, 2005 11:43 am Post subject: |
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After a brief struggle that included some biting, spitting, and obscenities, I have relinquished the belt to The Powers That Be, so he is now entitled to a whole month of bragging.
Watch for Power’s challenge. I'm interested to see what he comes up with...the next genre and topic thread should appear soon! Congratulations Powers.
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The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
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D-Lotus
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| Posted: Sat Oct 15, 2005 7:51 pm Post subject: |
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DAMN! My last minute entry fails to amaze again...but at least this time I came close, and if I had voted for myself, I would have won! But I think that the winner deserves his prize (even though it's just bragging, which no one really does. If I got the belt, we'd see some real bragging). And the person I voted for won anyway, so it's ok.
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The Powers That Be
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| Posted: Sat Oct 15, 2005 9:09 pm Post subject: |
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| ethereal_fauna wrote: | | After a brief struggle that included some biting, spitting, and obscenities, I have relinquished the belt to The Powers That Be, so he is now entitled to a whole month of bragging. |
I've bandaged my wounds and now I'm doing the Dance of Complete Literary Supremacy while wearing the belt (and nothing else, I might add). Bow before me, all you inferior storytellers! My name is The Powers That Be, author of authors. Look on my prose, ye writers, and despair! Prepare for my global dom...
Oh...um...sorry, got a little carried away there. Anyway, no reason to waste time - the October challenge has been posted in a new thread. I hope we get some good entries this month. Good luck, everyone!
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Abduction! is in the Stasis Hall, but read it anyway!
Got a problem? Write to Dear Dotty!
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Smee
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| Posted: Sun Oct 16, 2005 1:45 am Post subject: |
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*Bows before strange man doing what could only be described as 'Dance of Complete Literary Supremacy' *
Excellent Powers, a well deserved win with quite a lot of voters, for a great story.
The new comp sounds interesting, I hope I can get an entry in.
Happy Writing
*Wanders off looking envious at shiny belt*
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