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Ravenwing
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 Posted: Tue Sep 27, 2005 2:32 pm Post subject: Chapter 6 |
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The Story So Far: So much has happened since Desmond left his village. His half-brother Icrius has ravaged his own hometown, and left his younger brother to deal with all the pain that goes with it. As he traveled Desmond came upon a devious player, whom he later learns from the mysterious Lord Renef, is known as Skadu, a wanted man by the Crown. Lord Renef offers Desmond to come to capital, where he could train himself under the name of the crown. But the first night welcomes Desmond with a fiery blaze that nearly kills him. Through the months he is in the castle, he acts as a page, but also a spy for Lord Renef since he is less noticeble than most when among the nobles of court. It is through these meetings, and other meal time events does Desmond meet friends and foe. From others he learns more of the goddess, but at the same time he is under scrutiny. Friends ask of his history, rarely told it is, and enemies plant suspicion on him with a single flower. In this place of intrigue and mystery, Desmond begins to see that he has to see through all the layers of deceit to find the truth that he seeks.
Chapter 6
Chapter 6
Pulling the reins back, Desmond slowed, the mount he had stolen, to an easy gait now that he had reached the forested border. The worn path under him was nearly covered by the undergrowth growing alongside it. He knew not what to expect in these woods. Nor had he paid any attention to the route taken when he had come to the castle only a few months earlier with Renef. No, he corrected himself, Lord Renef.
A most mysterious man he had ever met. Kind in one way, but cruel in another. It was thanks to Renef that he had any coins to fill his pockets. But it was also Renef’s fault that he had become entangled in that hellhole of intrigue and murder. (Others would call it Court.) While at the same time he was running from the drama of Court, he also was running from the one place that had welcomed him many months ago. (But that was long past to Desmond.) The faces, from whom he had considered friends, had expressions that were undecipherable now. But he knew not whether to trust any of them, now that he had been accused of murder, of an heir no less. Whether or not he could stay among them, he knew not, when there would always be that cloud of doubt floating over them.
Curse you, brother! Desmond fumed. What are you trying to do? Ruin happiness for me until the ground turns back into the icy barren land it once was so many centuries ago? Desmond spurred his horse into a canter; all his frustration and hatred was put together into the single act of sprinting away from the place where he thought he had belonged. As he fled, the faces of those he knew appeared in his mind, but he pushed them away, thinking, only in my dreams will I see any of them.
The morning found Desmond cramped, but eager enough to continue to wherever, for he had no destination in mind. The rage, worry, and grief that had all culminated in him the night before had slowly ebbed away like waves that hit the sandy beaches that he had heard of only in stories. Reluctantly, he hoisted himself from the bed of moss he had slept on that night and took a twig nearby and griound it into the soft ground. The horse, whom he had named Pontius, picked its head up to stare at him. And as if he felt his new master’s emotions, Pontius nudged his head against Desmond’s outstretched hand. Although taken aback, Desmond moved his hand to ruffle the horse’s dark mane. As he did, he mediated on what to do next. He had nowhere to go, and knew not where to continue to look for the Gift or his brother, who could be anywhere.
Feet running through the thickets, a scream, then silence, all resonated in Desmond’s ears. Until the stillness became unbearable did he actually he got to his feet. He knew not what to expect. Stealthily, he crept toward where he thought he had heard all the noise, his dagger, the only weapon he carried, in hand. Another scream echoed among the trees, but unlike the last it did not sound feminine. His pace quickened as he rushed forward through the forest. As he did, he pitied the branches that could have been used to make a fire. But by just hastily tromping through the thickets, he realized he had easily revealed his presence to anyone or thing that resided in the forest.
From the dimness that was the thickets, Desmond sighted light emitting from the clearing ahead. As he did reach the edge, his eye perceived what looked to be a familiar face, although her face was covered in dark smudges, and purplish bruises. Her hands were tied behind her back, but from experience Desmond knew she was bound to have already loosened them. He could also see the tail ends of a cloth that had been in between her teeth to keep her from making any noise, screaming the mostly likely reason. Although she could not speak, Desmond saw the anger in her eyes as she wildly moved her head around like a fiery mare moored to a post for too long. He moved his eyes away from the girl to the men conferring in the little copse not far away from him. Apparently, they had inferred that his noisy ruckus was just a wild animal moving through the forest. But not wanting to take any chance of being noticed, he eyed the two men, who were animatedly talking to each other, wearily as he moved toward the girl.
Reaching her side, he saw the hint of light hair muddled underneath the dirt that covered it. A picture of a girl in a blue tunic flashed into his mind. As if they were in no danger at all, he asked her evenly, “Lessons are in session, should you not be there?” The girl turned her face revealing under all the dirt, amber eyes, and the familiar face of Sanae. She tried to retort angrily back at him, but she had forgotten that the gag was still in place. Laughing lightly at her plight despite their situation, Desmond removed the gag so she could speak.
Annoyance rang in her response. “If I was, I wouldn’t be here, now would I?” She rubbed her chaffed wrists, which were now free after Desmond had broken the already loosened ropes that had bound them. Changing her tone, she whispered, “Quiet,” and Desmond saw she had flicked her eyes to something behind him. A sense of foreboding came over him as he turned to see a large shadow towering over him. Skadu’s warning of Beware the serpent’s shadow echoed through his mind.
“Who do we have here?” a low voice demanded angrily.
Desmond’s face was still hidden from view, but he felt his heart begin to pound as if a blacksmith’s hammer was trying to flatten it, but was failing. Sanae tightened her grip on his forearm, making Desmond jump a bit. Her fear only increased his, but also he had never seen her act like this before. When he had first met her, he had discerned her as someone always being bold, rarely showing her fear, even when danger was imminent.
So you finally finished reading this chapter. Congratulations. Now what do you do? Well, one thing is to give me some positive feedback on what you think of the story so far. And in that same post, give a suggestion on the next course of action. Desmond is in trouble. What should happen next?
P.S. Me speaking personally here. I apologize for the delay of Chapter 6, but you know school...And whoever said there was senior slump must have been drunk or something.
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Last edited by Ravenwing on Sun Oct 09, 2005 6:44 pm; edited 3 times in total
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Ravenwing
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| Posted: Tue Sep 27, 2005 2:33 pm Post subject: |
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I will add the synopsis later. For now just read and comment.
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Sun Oct 02, 2005 10:17 pm Post subject: well... |
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Firstly, get away from the aggressors and then think of a destination! Maybe the chick can suggest something, tell him a rumour or somesuch.
Also, check your grammar a bit! 
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Suneila
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| Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2005 12:23 pm Post subject: |
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Good chapter, Rave, but it could use some editing.
First Paragraph:
| Quote: | | Nor did he pay any attention to the route had taken when he had come to the castle only a few months earlier with Renef. |
Needs to say "the route he had taken" or "the route taken"
Second Paragraph:
| Quote: | | But he knew not whether or not to trust any of them, now that he had been accused of murder, of an heir no less. Whether or not he could stay among them, he knew not, when there would always be that cloud of doubt floating over them. |
This section is pretty full of double negatives that still make sense but are kinda confusing. "...knew not whether or not to trust" could be changed to "knew not whether to trust".
Sixth Paragraph --> nice pun
| Quote: | | Her hands were tied behind her back, but from experience Desmond knew she was bound to have already loosened them. |
I don't know if it was intentional or not, but I thought it was funny.
Sixth Paragraph:
| Quote: | | He could also the tail ends of a cloth that had been in between her teeth to keep her from making any noise, screaming the mostly likely reason. Although she could not speak, Desmond saw the anger her eyes as she wildly moved her head around like a fiery mare moored to a post for too long. |
Just a couple of missing words. It should be "He could also see the tail ends" and "Desmond saw the anger in her eyes".
Wow, I'm starting to sound like Smee. (The university is getting to me, I'm starting to care about grammar!  )
Anyway, this seems like the perfect time for desperation to drive Desmond into doing something stupid like take on two older, more experienced fighters with the highly probable end result of still being captured but making them angry so they beat the crap out of him just for fun. Or he could win with Sanae's help. Or they could just run away; they're younger than these guys, probably faster.
~sunny
P.S. How do you pronounce "Sanae"?
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Hyperion
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| Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2005 2:47 pm Post subject: |
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It would probably be Sahn-ay, btw these chapters are excellent. It is simply amazing that the quality of these stories is so good... I would, if all these stories were finished and published ina local bookstore, buy them all and... laminate them!  This place is a treasure trove of great authors...
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Ravenwing
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| Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2005 7:53 pm Post subject: |
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Sunny, thanks for the proofing. I will correct the errors. I actually had written this chapter in first person first, so it makes sense that you would find missing words and double negatives in this chapter. But also I didn't really do a through editing. Thanks though, now if Smee ever read this he would find even more. But this is good, I really appreciate you taking the time to do that through a reading. As for the pronunciation of Sanae, it is "Say-nay." Both syllables are long ones.
Hyperion, close guess. And thanks for the compliment. With such a compliment you're going to inflate the brains of all the authors here. (Although I think D's had already swelled, just don't tell him that. )
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Smee
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| Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2005 9:57 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Raven,
Indeed - a good chapter. 
Some odd bits that Sunny didn't mention:
| Quote: | | As he did, he mediated on what to do next |
That means to "resolve or settle (differences) by working with all the conflicting parties" - I think you wanted meditate.
| Quote: | | Apparently, they had inferred that his noisy ruckus as just a wild animal |
Inferred doesn't seem the right word to me, but if you use it then 'as' needs to be 'was'.
| Quote: | | even when in the imminence of danger. |
"Even when danger was imminent"
We're not too sure what exactly the danger is, so it's hard to come up with some way to escape. For all we know they are completely surrounded.
If they do have a chance then they need to run to Pontius and gallop away as fast as possible.
If the person behind him is close, sticking his dagger into the foot would be a good way to distract the guy to make the escape.
Happy Writing.
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Mother Goose
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| Posted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 9:55 am Post subject: |
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A good, exciting chapter. I can see you're very busy, though - isn't this the time for working on college applications? I don't think anybody said the first part of senior year was easy! But I'll give you a chance to edit again before I chime in with my list, a few even Smee didn't mention.
I think his idea of jabbing the foot of whoever is behind him is a good one; certainly they need to get away from there as fast as they can! Sanae will probably recover her courage once they've put a little distance beween them and those who captured her. She at least doesn't seem to think he's guilty of the murder he's been accused of.
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Hyperion
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| Posted: Sat Oct 08, 2005 3:38 am Post subject: |
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| Apparently, they had inferred that his noisy ruckus as just a wild animal makes absolutely sense sorry no at all.
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Ravenwing
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| Posted: Sun Oct 09, 2005 12:53 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for all your suggestions everybody. I can see that I need to have better eyes when reading over my stories before posting. Very simple spelling errors. And sorry for the weird syntax. I blame it all on my Shakespeare class I am taking this semester. Poll should be up tonight or tomorrow. 
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ethereal_fauna
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| Posted: Sun Oct 09, 2005 6:23 pm Post subject: |
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Oh, good, I haven't missed the poll. 
I agree that some action should be taken as a diversionary tactic, such as a dagger in the foot. Something to make escape possible, and regain some control of the situation.
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Ravenwing
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| Posted: Sun Oct 09, 2005 6:46 pm Post subject: |
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Poll is up, peeps! Cast your votes from now until next week. I will probably leave this open for about 10-14 days. And then the next chapter will be up by early November. Cheers.
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Hyperion
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| Posted: Mon Oct 10, 2005 4:03 pm Post subject: |
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| I think that he should run like hell, then deal with his troubled consience. Er...
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Shogun
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| Posted: Mon Oct 10, 2005 9:19 pm Post subject: |
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I suggest he fights the agrssors, we need some action in the next chapter!
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| Posted: Wed Oct 12, 2005 5:47 am Post subject: Missed a bit |
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Sorry to interrupt, but in which thread was he accused of murder or whatever it was? I seem to have missed the part between:
a guy with a knife to Sanae's throat and wide eyed people looking at Desmond,
and Desmond being on a stolen horse at the beginning of this thread.
---
For this situation I think that Desmond should distract the enemy before running. If he was on his own, he should probably just bolt without wasting any time, but because he'll be impaired by trying to get Sanae out too, he needs to slow the opponents down.
Thats my 2 cents, I hope I'm doing this right, its my first storygame post.
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ethereal_fauna
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| Posted: Wed Oct 12, 2005 5:52 am Post subject: |
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This entire forum is about the game Truthseeker. Chapters 1-4 are consolidated on one thread, and then chapter five is on another. Just browse through and read up! Have fun.
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Ravenwing
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| Posted: Wed Oct 12, 2005 10:28 am Post subject: |
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Hey, welcome to City of If, Duke Reg. Like ethereal_fauna has already explained, all the previous chapters have put into a combined topic. Thanks for participating in this storygame. See you around!
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DukeReg
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| Posted: Wed Oct 12, 2005 7:58 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks guys! I re-read it more carefully and realise where I got confused, so theres no problem.
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Ravenwing
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| Posted: Fri Oct 14, 2005 5:35 am Post subject: |
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I think a decent amount of time has passed. I will start working on the 7th chapter of Truthseeker. Maybe it will be up before Halloween. Actually it should be up before Halloween because then I won't have to worry about two stories in the month of November that much. Until then use this forum as you wish.
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| Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 11:23 am Post subject: |
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| gr8 story!
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| Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 11:37 am Post subject: |
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nice chapter! the stories getting better and better.by the way thanks for lettin me post  this on my site hope to see ch.7 soon
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Ravenwing
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| Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 12:18 pm Post subject: |
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| martpart wrote: | | gr8 story! |
Welcome to Interfable, martpart! Keep in mind this is writers' forum, so could please refrain from talking in internet language. I know it can be a hassle when you have little time to type a post, but as a writer we have to practice the idea of complete sentences and words, and grammar. Hope to see you around! And thanks for your comment!
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| Posted: Sat Nov 12, 2005 10:56 pm Post subject: |
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M3 WnT N><T Cpt3r! O_o... Anyway... I WANT THE NEXT CHAPTER! 
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| Posted: Sat Nov 26, 2005 5:44 am Post subject: story |
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| i luv your story it's great. i think desmond being fearful should hide only to find out who is this man then throw his dagger at him to give him enough time to escape
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| Posted: Sat Nov 26, 2005 6:13 am Post subject: a great twist |
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| i thought of a great twist listen what if they get caught then in jail they find out some important info from a cellmate plus it would lead up to them getting out but how what do you think?
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| Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2005 7:45 am Post subject: |
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This has been great story so far, i can't wait to get to read the next chapter.
Oh and this is my suggestio,what Desmond should do,before i forget.My teaches says that i would forget to take my head with me,if it wouldnt be attached to my shoulders. 
Desmond,being younger and smaller than those men,wouldn't propably stand a chance againts them in fight, so he should stab the person standing behind him and then run like hell
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Ravenwing
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| Posted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 6:56 am Post subject: |
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I am still alive. Do not worry. I have just been bogged down by schoolwork, Nanowrimo, and just more schoolwork, and college applications. I hope to have the seventh chapter up tonight. So sorry for the delay. I am glad people are still reading this, even though I am horrible author, who can't seem to meet deadlines. LOL.
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