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BetrayedYetLoved
Tourist
Joined: 04 Oct 2009
Topics: 2
Posts: 21
Location: bucyrus ohio 44820
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 Posted: Tue Feb 02, 2010 10:48 am Post subject: There is now a dp in my latest chapter |
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i know that tends to be my biggest flaw but i have now added a dp sorry to everyone
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Chapter 2, Decisions Decisions
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Crunchyfrog
Honorable IFian
Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Topics: 168
Posts: 3998
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| Posted: Tue Feb 16, 2010 8:45 am Post subject: |
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Okay, I've had a chance to take a look at your chapter now, and its good to see that you've put in a DP. The obvious choice is to talk to the guy, if only to let us learn a little more about the main character's background.
Now I have taken a look, there are several weaknesses in this latest instalment, which are disappointing - because they are things that you did correctly in your earlier instalments. Here are just a few examples:
- Paragraph spacing. There should be a blank line between each line of dialogue and between each paragrah. There's a chunk of text that needs some serious formatting. Unless online text is well formatted, people are unlikely to read through it properly.
- Because of the bad formatting, I didn't have time to concentrate on the content this time around. However I did notice one slip up - where James is described rushing through the door and finding the narrator unconscious on the floor. This seems a little odd when described in first person present tense - i.e., it is happening to me, right at this very moment. How can an unconscious person describe what is happening around him at this very moment? Something you might want to revise.
- The DP has been added in a very rushed manner. It is obvious from the lack of capital letters (mistakes you don't normally make) that you didn't bother to re-read to make sure it was correct.
If you seriously want people to look at your story and interact with it, then make sure you put every effort into making it as correct as possible before posting it. That goes for spelling, grammar, punctuation, everything. If your text gives the impression that you haven't made that effort, people will be less inclined to bother to read it.
Your story comes in at least 5 instalments, but the topic title still tells us we're on Chapter 2. Is that still the case? If so, you need to clearly label the parts of your chapter in the main text itself. You use the subject field a lot, but it doesn't show up prominently on the forum, and most people don't notice or read it.
If we've gone beyond Chapter 2 now, then you need to sort out the thread title, (which you change by editing the very first post in this thread) and your signature link.
And to be frank, there is no point in putting a link to your storygame into your signature unless you actually participate in anybody else's storygame - because otherwise they're never going to see it.
Of all the advice given to you in your other thread last week, that was the one piece you ignored:
| Quote: | | While you're waiting for replies, take some time to play other people's storygames. As you probably know, it's a nice feeling to know that someone is reading and playing your story. If you play theirs, there'll be a greater chance they'll come and look at yours. |
After Thunderbird advised you to play some back in October, you made a couple of complementary remarks on three storygames - but you haven't actually played any storygames at all. By playing a storygame I mean reading a chapter, thinking it through, coming up with a suggestion for the DP, entering into a discussion about it with other players, and of course, voting in the poll.
If you want to improve your chances of being a successful storygame writer I would urge you to go and play some other storygames. If you want readers, then this is the best way to find them. There are plenty of storygames here that are still in their early stages and will not take up much of your time to get involved. At the very least it will help you learn the skills for authoring them. You say DPs are your biggest flaw - then go and learn how to create them by playing the other storygames. Ask anybody here - it's not as easy as it looks, and we all learned by reading and playing them first.
Good luck.
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Amichan
Treasurer
Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Topics: 18
Posts: 480
Location: RL:Roseboro, NC./ IF: Retuning from a long journey in the land of OFF
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| Posted: Wed Feb 17, 2010 9:12 am Post subject: |
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Even though i haven't been on much recently i did read over the chapters and i have to agree with Crunchy completely. Even i have had to resort to looking at others works when it come to my writing or even when writing for the IFQ . I have had to look back over previous issues and see how have others written in order to improve mine. Writing is a challenging talent that is hard to master and it does take lot of time. So don't discouraged we are here to help you improve and be a better writer. Learning from others writing is a good way to help improve your own ( i have even found it very helpful )
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