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Chinaren
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rlz
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 Posted: Sun Sep 10, 2006 5:45 am Post subject: |
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Aww... come on... at least to chapter 15?
I love this story. And it's easier and better for me to read cause I'm reading one story at a time to catch up, then once I'm all caught up I'll be able to read multiple stories.
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Tue Sep 19, 2006 6:38 am Post subject: Episode 12 – The Professional. |
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Episode 12 – The Professional.
 The Grand Banana nodded to himself as the last of the acolytes shuffled out of the hall. It had been a good sermon, one of his best. The Great Yellow would be pleased. He patted the Idol and brushed away a spot of dust.
There was a creak, and the door to the chamber opened. A head popped around.
“Hello! Anybody home?”
“Who are you?” demanded the Grand Banana.
“Oh good, you are here. Come on then lads.” The head entered the hall, followed in close order by the body. Three more followed the first, plus a small furry creature sat on the shoulder of one. The four larger beings were wearing yellow outfits, each one had a number on his lapel.
“What is the meaning of this?” The Grand Banana drew himself up to full height, which wasn't much, but he was still standing on the platform, so it compensated somewhat.
“Cleaners!” beamed the first person again, who was apparently number one.
“Cleaners?”
“Cleaners. Here to clean the you-know, whotsit,” the self alleged cleaner waved a hand at the Great Yellow.
“Clean the Great Yellow?”
“Of course. Doesn't clean itself now does it?”
“But the Great Yellow is cleaned every second Monday already. Father Pickle does it.”
“And old Pickle is a professional cleaner is he?”
“Well, no. But...”
“There you go then.”
“I do?”
“Of course.” The figure climbed up onto the platform next to the Grand Banana and tried to put a friendly arm around his shoulders. Unfortunately the Grand Banana was rather short, so it looked like the cleaner had him in some strange kind of headlock.
“Look, you wouldn't want the Banana gods to get all miffed because their, watchacall it, effigy, their representation of physical manifestation in the material realm, was all dusty now, would you?”
“I suppose not,” the Grand Banana put a finger to his lips. “But really, it is quite clean. Father Pickle goes over it very thoroughly.”
“Does he spray it though?” Cleaner number three piped up.
“Spray it?”
“Yes, for Nana bugs,” the first one replied. “Pesky devils they are. Could be eating the thing from the inside. You would never know about it until it collapsed inna pile of dust. I've seen it so many times.” He shook his head sadly.
“Well, I suppose. But what about payment? How much does this all cost?”
“Don't worry about that, your predecessor sorted it all out when he called us.” Number one slapped the Grand Banana on the back, nearly knocking him off the podium.
“Old Merkin? But he retired 13 years ago!”
“Yes, sorry about the delay, our response times are improving though,” number one said as he turned to contemplate the Great Yellow.
“Wait a minute! If you are cleaners, where are your tools?”
“Oh, we don't clean it here,” said number two. “What do you take us for, amateurs?” The others laughed in agreement.
“We have to take it to the depot,” number one said, giving the effigy a nudge with his boot. “Don't worry, shouldn't be gone more than a few days, and a small price to pay for not bringing the wrath of the gods down upon your heads, don't you think?”
“I guess...”
“There you go then. Now, you had better stand back.”
“I should supervise.”
“Nah, no need guvn'r” said number four. “Tell ya what, why don't you make us a luvely cuppa tea? Go down a treat that would.”
“Yes, civilians only get in the way,” said number one, giving him a pat on the shoulder.
The Grand Banana sighed. “Okay then, but I want a receipt, understand?”
“No problem. Off you go then.”
The Grand Banana plodded across the vestibule and, taking only one quick look behind him, slipped out of the door.
>
“Phew, thought he would never go,” said Smee, turning to the big banana statue. “Come on you lot, give us a hand with this, we want to be out of here before he comes back.”
Lordy and Jnmrcs climbed onto the platform and started examining the base of the banana.
“Come on Muaddib, this thing is going to be heavy,” said Smee as they strained to lift it.
Muaddib crossed his arms. “No. Not going to.”
“Oh come on! Don't tell me you are still sulking because you are number four!” Squeaked Stoat.
“Why did I have to be number four? Why not Smee? Who got us in here in the first place? Eh?”
“You...did.... a.... good.... job!” Lordy answered between heaves. As he said 'job' the banana lifted out of it's base and the three tottered about, spending a few moments wobbling left and right, trying to balance the thing before it finally steadied.
“Look, if you aren't going to help, then at least go and check the way out is clear,” said Smee, as they maneuvered the statue into a horizontal position.
“Oh, very well then.” Muaddib stalked across the room grumbling to himself. He opened the door a crack and peered through.
“All clear?”
Muaddib slammed the door shut and pushed against it. There was a loud crash and shouts of anger from the other side.
“I take that as a no then,” said Lordy. “They must have found the guards.”
“Over there!” said Stoat, pointing at another, smaller, door.
“Hold them off!” cried Smee to Muaddib, who was just about managing to keep the door shut.
“Hurry! I can't hold them long!” Muaddib shouted.
The other three, puffing and panting, managed to open the other door, which led to a small room furnished with two chairs and a table. Another doorway lay open on the far wall, leading to a corridor that sloped down, into the earth. They had just shoved the banana into the room when there was a resounding crash, and the banana hordes broke down the door into the main chamber.
“Wait for meeee!” screamed Muaddib, leaping away from the mob of yellow clad monks.
“Hold them off!” shouted Lordy, grabbing one of the chairs. “You will be a hero, I will see you get a mention in the IFQuirer!”
“Lordy!” Screamed Muaddib, “Don't you dare close that door! You dirty bas...”
His sentence was cut off as Lord of the Night slammed the door closed, wedging the chair under the handle. “That should do it,” he said, over a brief but intense scream that came from the other side.
“I suggest we get out of here,” said Stoat.
They picked up the giant banana and fled down the passage.
>
“...tard! Uh?” Muaddib looked around. The banana temple was no longer anywhere to be seen. Instead he was on a long golden road. In the distance, on the horizon, a bright light beckoned.
“Oh,” said Muaddib. “I see.”
He started walking.
>
On a hillside a boulder, half buried in the dirt, moved. Only a little at first, but then more and more until it finally tipped over and rolled down the hill, crashing through the underbrush and killing several rare animals on the way.
From the tunnel behind it Lordy emerged, like the rebirth of the anti-christ. “We are out,” he shouted over his shoulder.
Tiny Stoat ran through his legs and took a deep breath. “Fresh air!” She said, and sat down on the ground.
“Come on Lordy,” came Smee's voice. “Help us get this out of here!”
Lordy turned around and went back into the tunnel. With a lot of grunting, Lordy, Smee and Jnmrcs finally extracted their prize from the underground tunnel. They dumped it onto the floor, with a loud thud.
“Phew!” said Jnmrcs, sitting on the banana. “Finally.”
“Well done!” Emerald Eyul emerged from behind a tree. “Who would have thought you would manage to actually steal the Great Yellow from under the noses of the Death Cult? Amazing!”
“You again!” said Lordy. “And where is that orange fur ball?”
“He is back in the city running for Mayor,” replied Emerald.
“Bah.”
“So, what next?” asked Jnmrcs.
“You are nearly there!” Said Emerald, waving her microphone orb about excitedly. “All that remains is for the three of you to run across that piece of land, well mostly land, and reach the finish line!”
“Three? There are four of us,” said Lordy. They looked around. “Wait! Where is Stoat?”
“You should be a little more careful where you put your giant, and above all, very heavy banana,” said Emerald, pointing at a red stain oozing from under the statue.
The others winced.
“So we leave this thing here then?” asked Jnmrcs.
“That's right. Chinaren Inc. transport division will get it transported later.”
“And where do we have to go?” asked Smee.
Emerald pointed at a beam of intense blue light that was shining up into the sky in the distance. “There. The first one to make it wins.”
“I see. And what about the other two?” asked Lordy, slowly edging away from Jnmrcs and Smee.
“There is only room on the luxury liner back to IF for one, and houries of course,” said Emerald.
“So," said Smee. "Let's just wait a minute to catch our breath before we start eh? In the meantime I will just step into these trees and er, make a call to mother nature.” He disappeared into the undergrowth.
“I too, will ah, just walk over here, stretch my muscles and all that.” Lordy sidled off.
“Hey guys, we should work together in this.” Jnmrcs looked up. “Guys? Guys!! You dirty bas...”
>
“Emerald Eyul here, on the final leg of this exciting competition! Our contestants are down to three now, and it is a simple race over a shortish distance to the finish line. Of course, it isn't that easy! The stretch of ground here is actually some of the most dangerous terrain in the world, with all manner of hideous obstacles, creatures and traps waiting!”
“And it is time to vote! Just press the red button on your control wand...NOW!”
>>>>>>
So then. Down to three. What I need from you readers now are two things:
First. Vote for who wins!! Below are the finalists. Vote for who you think deserves to come in first! Contestants, you are allowed to vote, but not for yourself!
Secondly: Ideas wanted for traps, terrain, creatures and any other obstacles that may be on that stretch of ground! Don't hold back now! Remember, this is REAL BANANAS!
<<<<<<
_________________
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My Amazon page.
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Idea master
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| Posted: Tue Sep 19, 2006 8:58 am Post subject: |
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Well, naturally, the terrain is the most dangerous if you only do certain things with it. For example, the nine-legged spider a few chapters back was the most venomus...only if it bit you. And the yellow flower that was part of Muddy's costume was quite poisonus as well...only if you ate it.
So I say that we have thousands of trees in the way (Naturally, it is a jungle after all!) that have slow acting venom in their sap. When the contestants brush up against the trees, they will naturally rub the sap off on their legs, thus causing their legs to be the first to fall, as the venom paralyzes as it goes.
Also, the jungle should have a similar, but not exactly like, hive mind, like 'the place that listens'. When it detects somebody is trying to make a mad dash through the terrain, it conjures up the worst possible thing to stand in their way. Which is, naturally, a cute and fluffy kitty that is the most dangerous thing alive, for it excretes a phermone that will put you to sleep...forever.
And of course, after countless eons of brush fires and whatnot, the foliage has evolved to be flame-retardant, or possibly even flame-reflectant, bouncing any and all fire (and it's progenator!) to the nearest source of water, which actually conceals the gullet of a very dangerous monster.
Out of all of this (And countless other traps that other people will think up, I'm sure!) Lordy would be seen as the winner...if not for the small horde of pigmys in the way with their poison dart blowguns. They're very accuret pigmys too, they have to live off of what they kill, you know.
So just for the sheer humor of it, I'll go with Jnmrcs.
_________________
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...No plans yet.
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LordoftheNight
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| Posted: Tue Sep 19, 2006 5:10 pm Post subject: |
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I should hope that I win, merely by virtue of all my pure comedy moments. Not only that, but I carefully eliminated the competion - locking Red out, squashing Stoat - it was all part of a cunning plan to encourage voters.
Plus, I can fly. So I should win by default. Otherwise you're all rasict. Honest.
_________________
Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom.
Ave Dominus Nox
A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi
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jnmrcs
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| Posted: Wed Sep 20, 2006 1:52 pm Post subject: |
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I will say something like moving sand, little scorpions and of course some deep canyon that you can't see with a simple look.
I'm not sure about the winning one...
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Mon Oct 09, 2006 12:51 am Post subject: |
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Episode 13 - Real Bananas!
Bananaland ecology notes. (Found in the remains of the Aha university biological expedition).
This region has a diverse and usually deadly set of specie that I have found nowhere else on US. Take the Giant Sucker Snake for example. An enormous beast of orange and green stripes with a body diameter as large as a mans' head.
This species sucks magical energy from any target. It has a set of antenna with which it can detect magical emanations from several kilometers away. It attacks by sneaking up on its prey, distracting the meal with it's tail, upon which has a shiny bead-like affair attached to it. With giant lips it sucks the mana from the target, leaving it drained and traumatized.
However large beasts here are not restricted to land. One of the most awesome creatures I have ever seen is the gigantic Banana-Roc. A relative of the famed, smaller, cousin of legend, this creature is yellow and dangerous. Extremely territorial, it protects its young by eliminating any flying creature within a huge radius. Few creatures have a chance against this beast, which is larger than any dragon.
Other beasts are not as large or fancy, but are still dangerous. Take the Purple Smelly Cat for example. This medium sized purple beast hunts in packs. Delivering an odor ahead of the attack, the cats take advantage of the victims incapacitation to rend and tear it apart with razor sharp teeth.
The ferocious wolf-lizard on the other hand, spits a venom which paralyzes it's prey, enabling it to eat the unlucky meal at its leisure. Unfortunately the paralysis doesn't render the victim unconscious, and they have to endure a painful death being eaten alive. It is an excellent hunter, generally remaining undetectably still in the brush. It detects it's prey by body heat, and few can evade its senses.
Whilst the Wolf-lizard uses heat to detect food, the Greater Nosed Man Eating cockroach sniffs out its prey. It's nose can detect the mildest of scents, after which it will swarm forward with its many brothers and sisters to devour the hapless victim alive as it screams and flails about uselessly.
>
Smee chuckled to himself as he crashed through the undergrowth. “Suckers,” he said to himself. “With some magical aid I will be there before those two know what is happening.” Images of houris flitted tantalizingly through his mind as he jogged through the bush, trying to get the lay of the land.
A small purple cat thing suddenly leaped down from a tree into his path. Smee stopped cold as it snarled, showing large white fangs.
“Good kitty, nice kitty,” said Smee. “Look what I have for you...”
There was a roar as an orange fireball jumped from his hands and engulfed the beast. The cat twitched and spasmed as the fire took hold. A few moments later there was a loud bang, and it exploded, covering the area with purple fur and red innards.
“Oooh, disgusting,” Smee said, unwinding intestine from his arm. He stopped and sniffed, gagging. “Oh my word! What a stink! It is worse than Lordy after a heavy night on Old Stoat Very Peculiar!” He covered his nose with his hand and ran forward, just as another snarling cat sprang at him.
Smee threw another fireball without breaking stride, and another explosion soon followed. Two more cats attacked with similar results before he could get out of the area.
He paused for a moment in a small clearing to catch his breath and clean his robes. “Damned animals, they should be in cages or something. This wouldn't happen in IF oh no.”
He stood up and took a deep breath. “Now, a speedup spell should do it I think.” He raised his hands into spell casting position and then stopped. Something shiny sparkled in the underbrush. “Hello, what have we here then?”
He stepped forward to investigate, looking closer. The shiny thing bobbed up and down.
“Wait a minute! What am I thinking?” There was noise from behind, and he turned just in time to see an enormous pair of orange and green lips heading straight at him. He had just enough time to scream....
>
Lordy chuckled to himself as he stretched his wings and leaped into the air. “Suckers,” he said to himself. “With my wings I will be there before those other two have even started.” He flapped vigorously, gaining height.
Looking down he could just make out Jnmrcs entering the jungle. Ahead the blue light pierced the sky. “Ah, my ticket home,” he said, in a good mood.
Something caught his attention. Some kind of bat like creature flying below him. “Why not?” he said to himself, “I am in no real rush.”
Swooping down he dived upon the poor animal, snapping it up in one gulp as he powered upwards again. “MMMm! Tasty! Hello?”
A shadow had fallen over him. Peering upwards into a clear blue sky Lordy was puzzled for a moment. The mystery was abruptly solved as a racious cry, loud enough to partly deafen him, came from his six.. Looking back Lordy cried out in consternation as a gargantuan form plunged towards him, a cave-like mouth open, ready to swallow him as he had just done to the bat-thing a moment ago.
“Ship!*” he said, and powered away to the right, evading the huge craw by a fraction. He didn't evade the body though, and a wing the size of a village sent him tumbling through the air. He recovered, shaking his head to try and re-orientate himself, hovering for a moment to get his bearings.
The hovering was a mistake. Before he could do anything about it, the gigantic yellow bird sucked him in, engulfing the demon and swallowing him whole.
Lordy was catapulted down a cavernous throat and into a stomach that could have housed a small town. He landed with a splash in a small sea of disgusting colored stomach acid, though the shade of putrid green was the least of his concerns.
There was a moment of silence and then the surface erupted as the demon rocketed upwards out of the caustic liquid. He managed to snag hold of the lining and held himself there with his claws. “Ohh, gross! I have been eaten!”
He looked around. “Fine. If that is how you want to play it.” He opened his mouth and took a bite of stomach wall...
*Or something like that.
>
“Bastards,” thought Jnmrcs. “Those two will be well away before I even get going.” He tripped over a protruding root and landed in a large hole, coating himself in slimy mud. “Arrg!” He said, thrashing about in an attempt to escape, which only served to cover himself more thoroughly.
It took him several minutes to crawl clear, looking like some sort of strange mudman. With a deep sigh he stood up and promptly banged his head on a low branch. “Dammit!”
Rubbing his head he staggering onwards, following a narrow trail. He never saw the half wolf, half lizard thing sat in the trees to the side. Fortunately, the mud he had rolled in masked his heat signature, and the monster similarly failed to see him.
Plodding on, muttering to himself under his breath, Jnmrcs stumbled into a clearing. He immediately grabbed at his nose as the foul stench that permeated the area assaulted his nostrils. He ran forward but slipped on a piece of charred liver, which sent him catapulting head fist into the barbecued remains of a Purple Smelly Cat.
Standing up, Jnmrcs stood still for a moment, and then threw up. Still retching, he staggered forward into the trees. Covered in mud, vomit and the remains of boiled cat, he walked past a small mound. Luckily for him the smell covered his own scent, or he would have been immediately dined upon by a swarm of flesh eating roaches.
“Why is this happening to me?” he cried, climbing a small hill. He reached the top and looked up. There, over a stretch of rocky ground, the blue search light penetrated the sky.
Trying not to smell himself, Jnmrcs stepped out towards it, half falling, half crawling he scrabbled onwards, towards the light...
>
The trees swayed gently in the mild breeze. Undisturbed except for a small sabre-toothed rabbit, hopping along and minding it's own business.
There was a crash, and Smee burst through the leaves. He staggered forward and tripped over the rabbit, who, after a brief warning snarl, bobbed away.
Smee sat on the grass and panted. He had barely managed to get away from the giant snake. It had taken all of his cunning and half of his magic just to do so. He looked up. There, over short patch of rocky ground was the finishing light! He was still in with a chance!
Standing uncertainly, he wobbled onwards, and only then spotted another figure some distance away. Though the form was covered in mud, it had the definite shape of Jnmrcs. Smee clenched his fists. He wouldn't be beaten!
Summoning his remaining power, he opened his mouth to begin an incantation that would neutralize his rival, and that was when Lordy landed on him.
>
Emerald Eyul here viewers, at the finish line for Real Bananas! Just over there we can see Smee and Lordy, who appear to be having a slight altercation. Perhaps Smee is upset because he nice jumpsuit now has stomach slime all over it.”
“In the meantime here comes... Is that Jnmrcs under that mud, vomit and entrails? Yes! Yes it surely is! Jnmrcs wins the Real Bananas challenge!
Congratulations Jnmrcs! Your er... arg, shower awaits! We will interview you once you have been de-contaminated.
~Turns to look at camera orbs again~
“Well, that's it for Real Bananas folks. We hope you enjoyed the show. Who knows? Maybe there will be a sequel one day, but for now, this is Emerald Eyul and this has been..."
Real Bananas!
>>>
Smee and Lordy sat on a rock, gloomily watching the transport fly away.
“See what you did now?” said Smee, picking dried Roc meat off his jumpsuit.
“Me?? Why is it my fault? Though I do thank you for cushioning my fall. I lost it for a while there.”
Smee looked up. “So then. Any idea on which way IF is?”
Lordy licked a claw and held it up to the breeze. “That way,” he said.
“Come on then. We have a way to go.”
The two figures hauled themselves to their feet, and started walking into the sunset, bickering all the while.
End.
>>>>>>
There you have it folks. Jnmrcs takes the prize. Sorry this wasn't as humorous as the previous eps, I am not in a very funny mood just now, but I wanted to get it finished.
Jnmrcs' trophy will soon be in Chinaren's Hall of Heroes.
In the meantime, don't touch that dial...
<<<<<<
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Argonaut
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| Posted: Mon Oct 09, 2006 12:22 pm Post subject: |
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| It may not have been as silly but I liked it anyway. Especially the way Jnmrcs accidentally avoided all the dangers:)
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| Posted: Mon Oct 09, 2006 3:53 pm Post subject: |
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| Very interesting method to do things. I like it.
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