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Ravenwing Honorable IFian
Joined: 18 May 2004 Topics: 17 Posts: 3750 Location: Virginia Items Legends
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Posted: Thu Mar 23, 2006 9:33 pm Post subject: Chapter 1 Comments |
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An interesting story. Don't see many stories focused on current events. I have always viewed writing as an outlet away from reality, but that is just me.
Like you said, Blake (the Mister just doesn't work here for me, so I am just calling him by his last name) seems to want a straight answer. And there doesn't seem to be much room for Mack to wheedle some more time to think about it.
Though one possibility other than the yes or no answer could be that he ask more for more information about this secret mission he is being offered. I think he would have enough sense to wonder what this new mission would be that it would need such drastic secrecy. That is my view on this.
Otherwise he is blindly agreeing to do something he has no clue about. _________________ Stories
New Story: Glassbreaker Presently on Hiatus until further notice.
Truthseeker (Completed SGOTM)
Samadhi Traveler 2005 Nano Wrimo winner (53,019 words)
Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
-Confucius
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Chinaren Hallowed IFian
Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Topics: 340 Posts: 8882 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends
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Posted: Thu Mar 23, 2006 10:07 pm Post subject: |
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Nice start.
Well, this is what he wanted isn't it?
Yes is the only answer I could see here. _________________ Neil Hartley Books.
My Amazon page.
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Shady Stoat Elder
Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Topics: 76 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends
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Posted: Thu Mar 23, 2006 11:31 pm Post subject: |
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I agree. There's nothing he could offer his sister or his friends as a cripple - or so he believes. He would be a weight around their necks, not the person they once knew.
Better to cut all that out and make a fresh start. Say yes.
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Solomon Birch Honored Citizen
Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Topics: 18 Posts: 1562 Location: England..... but Japan beckons..... Items Legends
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Posted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 1:11 am Post subject: |
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Good begginging Ravagerrr, bleak and unforgiving but well written and an interesting twist at the end.
The idea of living life as a crippled failure (at least in Mack's eyes) wouldn't appeal, even to me, so I think that he would readily accept. His desire was always to be in the army, and now he has a chance to be part of something special, secretive, which I think would appeal immensely. Sure, he's gonna mourn the loss of contact with his family, but that could leave open some interesting options for the future.
So I think he should accept, with few questions other than maybe
"Could I at least call my sister to say goodbye?".
Harrowing stuff. Great! :biggrin:
*holds breath* _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot
Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here
The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9
Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3
The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3
One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3
Green Eyes - Chapter 5
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ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted
Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Topics: 58 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends
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Posted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 8:56 am Post subject: |
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Great beginning.
I learned in the army, never volunteer for anything :biggrin: But I think our fellow is just a bit more gung-ho than I was. However, despite an obvious avenue to serve his country, I doubt that our fellow will be emotionally disposed to accept. He's lost his legs, he's lost his focus, and he's depressed. His initial reaction to everything is negative, and I've a feeling he'll just say, "Shove it up your ass."
Of course that'll make the story go in a very different direction than if he said yes. But not necessarily a bad direction. Perhaps more challenging for the author. _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Araex Guest
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Posted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 10:08 am Post subject: |
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Nice opening.
All the way through I've been thinking 'yes', but fauna brings up an interesting point. However - I'm still inclined to vote 'yes', as he seems to be depressed about everything except staying in the army. I think we should find out more, whilst thinking that we'll do it anyways.
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Ravenwing Honorable IFian
Joined: 18 May 2004 Topics: 17 Posts: 3750 Location: Virginia Items Legends
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Posted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 1:46 pm Post subject: |
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I am all for saying 'yes.' But I don't think our Macky-boy here is going to accept something without wanting to know more about what he is going into. Besides, becoming a cripple, wouldn't it leave him in some psychological trauma?? And now, it seems to have opened his eyes to the realities of war. So, I still think he will say 'yes,' but not without a little caution in mind. _________________ Stories
New Story: Glassbreaker Presently on Hiatus until further notice.
Truthseeker (Completed SGOTM)
Samadhi Traveler 2005 Nano Wrimo winner (53,019 words)
Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
-Confucius
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Ravagerrr Guest
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Posted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 7:25 pm Post subject: |
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Just wanted to express how thankful I am that I have an audience. Thanks guys/gals. I've returned the favor to some of you, and I intend to with all of you but time here is limited.
I realize that the decision point is a bit week right now and seems a bit weighted. I have things in mind for all suggested outcomes at this point. I'll post a poll tomorrow and allow voting and commentary to continue for 2-3 days before writing chapter 2.
I apologize also for a lack of a synopsis, but I'd like to keep y'all guessin' at this stage of things.
Ok, so I found this site this week and am hooked, line and sinker. S'been fun so far. Never really had a venue to seriously try writing stories, but have always wanted to. I've long been a roleplayer and agree with almost everything Key said in his site intro, with a few exceptions. This Storygaming thing is a great idea, one which may move the world someday. And we'll all be able to say we were there when it all began... thrilling.
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Chinaren Hallowed IFian
Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Topics: 340 Posts: 8882 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends
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Posted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 7:40 pm Post subject: |
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Well, welcome to IF Ravay!
Don't worry about lack of synopsis and stuff, and sometimes making a good d-point can be really tough. On occasions I have done a 'this way or that way?' one, other times it has been possible battle tactics, so rather more open. It's just the way the cookie crumbles!
Like the av btw! _________________ Neil Hartley Books.
My Amazon page.
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Ravagerrr Guest
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Posted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 8:16 pm Post subject: |
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Yeah, Raistlin rocks!
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Ravenwing Honorable IFian
Joined: 18 May 2004 Topics: 17 Posts: 3750 Location: Virginia Items Legends
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Posted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 8:39 pm Post subject: |
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chinaren wrote: | Well, welcome to IF Ravay!
Don't worry about lack of synopsis and stuff, and sometimes making a good d-point can be really tough. On occasions I have done a 'this way or that way?' one, other times it has been possible battle tactics, so rather more open. It's just the way the cookie crumbles!
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*laughs* Now we have a Ravay and a Ravey. How confusing.
Anyways china here is right. Don't really worry about the synopsis thing. We pretty lenient with the rules here. Synosises are just useful for readers, who may miss most of the story or want to catch up and don't want to go through the hassle of reading all the chapters beforehand.
And D-Points are always hard. Some just come along, some don't. The main thing is to keep writing. _________________ Stories
New Story: Glassbreaker Presently on Hiatus until further notice.
Truthseeker (Completed SGOTM)
Samadhi Traveler 2005 Nano Wrimo winner (53,019 words)
Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
-Confucius
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Araex Guest
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Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 2:13 am Post subject: |
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Ah well, you'll just have to be content with plain old Rave - no 'y' for you!
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Smee Revered IFian
Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Topics: 166 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends
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Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 2:23 am Post subject: |
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Hey Ravagerrr
Good start, I read it a while ago, but forgot to comment
I agree with what others have said and look forward to finding out what this top secret mission is.
It's also fantastic to see you've enjoyed your stay in the city so far, and intend to stay around. I've seen some of your comments on quite a few other stories already and that's great too.
Happy Writing _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
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Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 8:55 am Post subject: |
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Ok, lets clear this up shall we, Raven? I've had this chat handle for some time now and it seems most boil my Ravagerrr down to Rav... which I suppose could still be confused with Ravenwing... hmph. Anyhoo, I figure I'll be calling you Rave and maybe it'll catch. I guess as it stands, you're Ravey and I'm Ravay? ugh. We'll have to work on this.
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Smee Revered IFian
Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Topics: 166 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends
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Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 11:36 am Post subject: |
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I usually call her Rave _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
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Ravagerrr Guest
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Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 11:45 am Post subject: Alright then let's vote |
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:biggrin: Voting time. Although there seems to be a general concensus here, I'll run the vote anyhow.
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You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum
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