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Gallant
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 Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 4:50 pm Post subject: Infinity (Chapter 3) |
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Chapter one: Smallness
The underground chapel was very tall, the ceiling wasn’t visible with only candle light to see by and it didn’t help that there were only five of them lit at the time. It was pretty bland as chapels go: brown dirt walls, no stained glass windows in sight, no windows period and a raised platform where a short pedestal sat. This was where the father gave his sermons every week and taught the children every day.
His holyness stood on the raised platform in front of the pedestal. Dressed in his best robes, with gold lace and red tassels here and there, it made you think if it was necessary for him to look so royal for the children. The priest felt it was. "Get them young when they don’t know anything of the world." In fact if they didn’t know anything about the world when they were older all the better. He started swinging one of his tassels about like a police baton.
“When everything around you is infinitely big, would you regard yourself as infinitely small? If something keeps growing without stopping and you stay as you are, then surely to that something they don’t see themselves grow, they just see you shrink. This, my children, is why the hordes do not find us. Because we are now so small to them, that we don’t exist. They care not for little communities that do not grow, it is only the cities and towns that they harvest from. This is why my children, we absolutely must uphold the law of Saint Alexandre.”
A young boy raises his hand to ask a question.
“Yes my child?”
“Um, what happened to the other vaults?” Asked the overactive rug rat.
“Who told you of them?” The clergyman's fist clenched behind his back.
“My dad.”
“Well tell your dad he is not to speak of things like that to such… impressionable minds. Now off with you, today’s lesson is over.”
Eleven of the vault's children made a run back for their homes in fear they may be called back for another lecture, except for one. He was standing in the shadows only listening, letting no one know he was there. Finally he came out from his hiding place to talk to the holy man. The priest turned around and jumped from fright.
“You startled me there boy! Shouldn’t you be going off to do your daily duties?”
“All is done father, I’m an early riser.”
There was a long pause as they stared at each other, the priest was getting more and more agitated.
“Well?”
“Well what?”
“I assume you’re here to ask a question.”
“Oh…" The boy mustered up his courage. "What is culling?”
“Weren’t you listening today? Culling is the law.”
“But what is it? All I know is that some of the older ones and... my father have been culled. I don’t know where they went or what happened to them.”
“Err… They, um…" The priest tried to phrase the answers in his mind but decided against it. "Listen your not supposed to ask such questions, the answers aren’t for children’s ears.”
“So why do you teach us about the subject, and say to us a lust for knowledge is a com…" The child struggled with the word. "Commend-a-bel… commendable thing, when we aren’t allowed to ask questions you don’t want to answer?”
This boy was thinking dangerous thoughts. A man would be putting his life in danger for asking such things. Then he asked the question, the killer question, the question that would see a fully grown man dead.
“How come you don’t get culled? Your old enough aren’t you?”
One touch and the boy would be dead. just one touch. he was an orphan, his dad was old and therefore culled and his mother died at birth. no one would miss him… But he was young, therefore still mouldable.
“How old are you?” The old man had his eyes closed in thought as he asked this.
The child counted his fingers but got confused at nine. He squinted then said. “Nine and a half.”
The boy was young but blatantly not young enough to start thinking for himself. Young enough to be taught the priests morals and sense, old enough to be a hazard. What to do, what to do?
What do you think of my first story guys?
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Last edited by Gallant on Tue May 06, 2008 2:36 am; edited 9 times in total
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Masterweaver
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| Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 5:01 pm Post subject: |
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The plot is great, but you need to tense up the grammar.
| Quote: | “I assume you’re here to ask a question.”
“Oh… What is culling?”
“Weren’t you listening today? Culling is the law.”
“But what is it? All I know is that some of the older ones and my father have been culled. I don’t know however where they went and what happened to them.”
“Err… They, um… Listen your not supposed to ask such questions, the answers aren’t for children’s ears.”
“So why do you teach us about the subject, and say to us a lust for knowledge is a com… commend-a-bel… commendable thing, when we aren’t aloud to ask questions you don’t want to answer?” |
This passage sould b a bit more like:
| Quote: | “I assume you’re here to ask a question.”
“Oh…" The child paused, mustering his courage. "What is culling?”
“Weren’t you listening today? Culling is the law.”
“But what is it? All I know is that some of the older ones and... my father have been culled. I don’t know however where they went and what happened to them.”
“Err… They, um…" The priest hesitated, trying to phrase it in his mind, then decided against it. "Listen, you're not supposed to ask such questions. The answers aren’t for children’s ears.”
“So why do you teach us about the subject, and say to us a lust for knowledge is a com…" The child stuggled with the unfamiliar word. "...commend-a-bel… commendable thing, when we aren’t aloud to ask questions you don’t want to answer?” |
You need to give us a little bit more, show us how these people are feeling without outright telling us. Nervous people tap their feet, their fingers, the pace, etc. All it takes is a quick "He rolled his eyes and said" to get the character to sound condescending.
Plus there are a few spelling isues, but that's not much of a problem.
All in all, a great and comendable first chapter. I would suggest the priest take in the lad to become his loyal alcolyte.
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Gallant
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| Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 5:47 pm Post subject: |
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I can't see the spelling issues. I done it in microsoft word, it could be because it's an austrailian dictionary. I sorted out everything you suggested though. Thanks for the corrections. 
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Masterweaver
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| Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 6:08 pm Post subject: |
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| ...They weren't corrections, they were suggestions. If you did that kind of thing all the way through, is what I meant.
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Gallant
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| Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 6:32 pm Post subject: |
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lol ok then.  Can't do that just now, it's lunch time. To the fridge!
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Kalanna Rai
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| Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 7:31 pm Post subject: |
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A few places where you've subsituted one letter for another but otherwise decent. So is the DP whether the Priest should raise him or not? And what's with the one-touch kill comment?
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Gallant
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| Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 11:45 pm Post subject: |
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Super powers to the touch thingy. That will be explained next chapter... or the third one, haven't decided. Yes thats basically my decision point. Raise the boy, kill him or just let him go. any of these could make an intresting outcome in my head, any suggestions anyone wants to throw in are welcome but i think its pretty clear cut.
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| Posted: Wed Mar 05, 2008 6:33 am Post subject: |
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| Well, he should definately take in the boy.. or at least have the boy start coming for extra studies or something. Then we can see how the boy's life is faring outside of the priest's influence. Perhaps he can start secretly gathering children to him as he learns more? Is the death-touch learned or a gift? What happens to the bodies after being *culled*? I'm quite curious! So the *religion* is the belief that people need to be culled at a certain age? And what IS the cut off age?
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| Posted: Wed Mar 05, 2008 8:15 am Post subject: |
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Hm, an interesting read. This intruigues me.
I would say raise the boy. Though killing would amuse me more and teach the kid a lesson not to ask awkward questions, I feel a little more long-term.
Also, y'know what? I'm gonna throw in a quick spellcheck.
| Gallant wrote: | | The underground chapel was very tall, the ceiling wasn’t visible with only candle light to see by and it didn’t help that there were only five of them lit. It was pretty bland as chapels go: brown dirt walls, no stain glasses in sight and a raised platform where a short pedestal sat. This was where the father gave his sermons every week, and taught the children every day. |
I believe referring to 'em fully as stained glass windows would be preferable here. Also - 'nother comma where I've put one, maybe?
| Gallant wrote: | | His holiness stood on the raised platform in front of the pedestal. Dressed in his best robes, with gold lace and red tassels here and there, it made you think if it was necessary for him to look so royal for the children. The priest felt it was, get them young when they don’t know anything of the world. In fact if they didn’t know anything about the world when they were older all the better. He started swinging one of his tassels about like a police baton. |
Red bit, just a spelling correction. The blue bit - hm, just reads a little wierdly in my opinion.
| Gallant wrote: | | “When everything around you is infinitely big, would you regard yourself as infinitely small? If something keeps growing without stopping and you stay as you are, then surely to that something they don’t see themselves grow, they just see you shrink. This, my children is why the hordes do not find us. Because we are now so small to them that, we don’t exist. They care not for little communities that do not grow, it is only the cities and towns that they harvest from. This is why my children, we absolutely must uphold the law of Saint Alexandre.” |
Couple o' steaks...er...mistakes. Kyekyek. 
T-t-t-time skip now! ...Not really.
| Gallant wrote: | “Well tell your dad he is not to speak of things like that to such… impressionable minds. Now off with you, today’s lesson is over.”
Eleven of the vault's children made a run back for their homes in fear they may be called back for another lecture, except for one. He was standing in the shadows only listening, letting no one know he was there. Finally he came out from his hiding place to talk to the priest. The priest turned around and jumped from fright. |
Standard errors here, thee know how it goes. The blue bit...try not to repeat 'the priest' so soon.
| Gallant wrote: | | “You startled me there boy! Shouldn’t you be going off to do your daily duties?” |
This just sounds better. Before it was a little...unreactive.
| Gallant wrote: | | “Err… They, um…" The priest tried to phrase answers in his mind but decided against it. "Listen, you're not supposed to ask such questions, the answers aren't for children's ears." |
Few more mistakes here. Now due to the sudden and strange fudging up of the text box I shall post the rest later.
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| Posted: Wed Mar 05, 2008 9:26 pm Post subject: |
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Great start, very interesting.
Now for my crit. , no, i'm just kidding. The uppers already got to this story before i did.
The story itself is interesting, good way to introduce certain things. Others could have been introduced better. Industry pros have problems with this as well.
I would say however, that i think the choice at the end needs to be more clear... maybe i'm the only one who was confused, however, i think what was strange for me is that the choices maybe should be more defined. E.G. Teach him the ways of the priesthood or Touch him dead or Send him to be pre-culled. Or something, these are only examples. That i had to re-read the end three times to see who's perspective we were allied with to influence any decision. And i still had a hard time with it. It could just be me though since nobody else mentioned it.
Very cool though, like to see where it takes you.
I think that if i were the priest i would touch him dead. That's if i understood it correctly. If not please re-state the decision options open to us to start from.
EDIT: nvm. i didn't see your response to Rai's question. but once again, just work on the a better system for the DP.
Last edited by sir wax on Wed Mar 05, 2008 9:29 pm; edited 1 time in total
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| Posted: Wed Mar 05, 2008 11:45 pm Post subject: |
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| This is a great story with lots of imaganation i love it i will give it 10 stars keep it up Gallant also the main Character is very well described
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| Posted: Thu Mar 06, 2008 12:17 am Post subject: |
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Finally got to this! Firstly a belated welcome to IF, Gallant!
A good start, and I see that the crits above have just about covered everything. Hope to see more of this one soon!
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| Posted: Sat Mar 08, 2008 5:00 am Post subject: |
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Oh bugger... A three way tie. Any one care to resolve?
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| Posted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 11:43 am Post subject: Chapter 2: Bigness |
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Clive was the sort of person that believed in hard work, punctuality and amongst other things he had a good sense of honour. The man he had grown to be was tall, with shoulders stretching far wider than his hips to the point of looking odd. With a mop of black hair on his head and dark eyes to accompany he would of looked like some sort of farmer. He paced the small confines of his room. In other words he was walking in a small circle making himself unnecessarily dizzy. “Where was he,” he thought. Clive needed the damn half-pint before he could start the days work. He could probably do it himself, it would just take a hell of a lot longer. “Bloody Nora! Where is that boy!?” Just as Clive finished murmuring to himself an animated young teen named Mathew skidded in. Clive’s eyes were as fierce as his stature and Clive could be pretty intimidating when need be. The whole gesture was ruined though as he seemed to be struggling to maintain balance. His younger half was struggling to contain a smirk.
“Hey Clive, guess what,” burst Mathew.
“It’s about time,” counter burst Clive. “Lets go!”
“But, Clive! You won’t believe what I just saw!”
“And I probably won’t care,” said Clive as he walked out the door. Mathew stood there looking a bit deflated. Clive stuck his head back through the door. “Come on then, tell me on the way.” Mathew smiled and scampered after him.
The brothers walked down many torch lit corridors. They both had been living here all of their lives. This twisting and turning labyrinth was all they knew. This part of the vault was called the hive due to its monotony and many levels. The rooms were mostly empty, the underpopulated hive was once bustling with people of all ages. The Father saw to that. Everyone knew he was evil, it was just no one had the guts to admit it. Finally they both reached their destination. From the outside it looked pretty plain, if not a bit unloved.
It wasn’t like any other room in the hive, asides from it being unlived in. Far out of the way of the other living quarters, it was quite secluded and instead of the usual four dirt walls, this room had one dirt wall replaced by a giant steel slab with a crack in it. Also a notable feature would be that it looked like the slab extended on after the floor and the ceiling.
“Right, lets get to work then,” Clive said whilst clapping his hands.
“Were you even listening to me?” Exasperated Mathew. Clive turned at Mathew with a snap.
“Yeah, the Father has a new crony in training to do his bidding. What of it?”
“Was just wondering if your were listening…” Mathew looked down and fidgeted with his sleeves.
“Okay, stand back. We don’t want to explain burns away to the Priest again now do we?” He gave Mathew one of those disapproving big brother faces to look at. The kind that you would like to punch. However, Mathew obliged with his brothers wishes and stood clear.
Clive rose his arms and pointed clenched fists at the metal wall. “Remember and get ready to cool it down, the faster it cools the better.”
Mathew nodded. Clive closed his eyes, his fist began to glow bright red, as if they had been dipped in boiling water. Mathew could start to see the air ripple around his brothers hands , when suddenly flames fired out of his appendages with a boom and roar. It was like the older brother had two Bunsen burners for arms. The flames bold and blue with the occasional flicker of red. A strong, clean burn.
He concentrated it all on the wall. Mathew raised his hands in anticipation. Beads of sweat trickling down his brothers forehead now. It was tough keeping up that kind of heat. Just as the wall became glowing hot Clive stopped and looked at his younger sibling as the signal. Immediately Mathew blasted forth two jets of water from each clenched fist. The water seemed to escape from his palms and in between his fingers in a spray but came together and focused itself forward. There was a loud hissing and the room filled with hot steam. The groans and creaking of the expanding and contracting metal could still be heard over the thunderous hissing until the wall finally gave way with an awesome clang that continued to ring in their ears. They knew they had made more progress.
------------------------------
“So boy, What is your name?” The Priest had decided to spare the child.
“My name’s David.” He said it proudly, the only thing he really had left from his family.
The Priest looked at him waiting for something else. “Just David, is that it?”
“I can’t remember my second name Father.” David’s eyes were drawn to the ground in shame.
“Do not feel shame my son, to feel shame is a weakness.” He put his hand on the boys head. “Look up.” He did as he was told. “What can you do child? Do you have any skills? Can you read?”
“No sir.” David’s eyes were once again drawn to the ground only to be nastily jerked back by a forceful hand.
“I said, look up!” The Priests long nails were digging into David’s scalp. “When I tell you something boy, you best well do it or languish the consequences!” The Father bared his teeth and hissed.
The child had barely begun to cry when he quickly sucked back the tears and looked up to his new master.
“Yes sir, sorry sir.” David maintained eye contact.
“Good, now you can’t read. Can you do anything, anything at all?”
“Well, I was born with the element.” The Priests eyes widened. Another elemental. In his colony! How could it have gone unnoticed? He had them all accounted for. There was just him, the Dawson boys and his loyal acolytes Caleb and Joshua.
“Where is the birthmark? Show it to me!” The Priest started to look about the boys person searching for some sort of marking.
“Where is the what?”
“This!” The Priest pulled his sleeve back to show two patterns beside each other. Both patterns shared the same shaped squiggly lines, it was just one pattern went horizontal instead on vertical. David knew these to be smoke and water. He remembered an old elemental lesson from when his father was still alive. He knew that Elementals born with two elements were rare but not always more powerful. It depended on the elements. He also knew that smoke and water make poison. The ability to infect peoples mind as well as bodies. The power to kill with a single touch.
David stepped back a little when he saw those markings. “I, uh, don’t have a birthmark. Anywhere.”
“Then how do you know you’re an elemental?” The Priest was getting ready to smack David for telling lies.
“I was blood tested, they used the old medical bay before the place caved in remember? They couldn’t find a birth mark to see what element I had but they know I have the power.”
“Hmm, well there is a way we can find what power that is. Come with me.”
----------------------------
The steam cleared and the two brothers saw what they had worked so laboriously for. It took them months to get that first flaw and now they could see dirt. That meant they could start digging for the surface. It was possible to actually get outside the vault. The brothers just looked at each other with mischievous glee.
“It’s not much, but it’s a start.” Clive took a closer look at the gash in the wall. “I doubt a rat could fit its head through that crack, but at least we’re getting somewhere.” Mathew just sat there puffing and panting. Staring at the wall. He could just imagine it now, when the day came they would all be free of the god forsaken vault. Free from the culling. Free from the pointless work. Free from the tyrannical rule of that old man. Clive looked down at his brother and thought better to let him rest for the day. After all, using elemental power was hard for Clive, so he could only fathom what it must be like for Mathew. The little scrapper. What he lacked in size he made up for in heart and this boy was pretty small.
-------------------
David was sitting in the Priests personal study waiting for him to return. He look around and it was full of books and files of the citizens. He suddenly found himself thinking. What was the Priests name? Did he have a name? As far as he knew everyone referred to him as Father, or sir. The clergyman arrived through a door leading into his living quarters. David managed a peak through the crack. It wasn’t anything like the other living quarters he had seen before. They looked more like royal be chambers from the brief glimpse he got. There was carpet in it too. The Father was holding what looked like a grey bowling ball with no fingers holes. There was a knock on the door.
“Who disturbs me?” Demanded the Priest.
“It is us sir, Caleb and Joshua,” came a muffled voice through he door.
“Ah, good! Come in, I may need you for this.” Two adolescent males walked through the wooden door. It was one of the few doors in the entire complex. They were in dressed plain white robes and stood with there shoulders back and there chins thrust upwards. However confident there posture, even David could see the fear and apprehension in there eyes. “Have a good look boy, they should set fine examples to what you should become. Now hold this.” He thrust the pewter grey orb into David’s hands. “Don’t be alarmed if you feel any sudden pain. Since your too young to incarnate your element yourself, this is going to force it to show. Joshua, Caleb, hold his hands to the ball and brace yourselves for stinging.”
Okay the DP this chapter is what element or combination of elements will pop up? Or even something else entirely. Oh and here are the elements you can choose from. You can combine them all but only two at a time.
Yin elements: Fire, Water, Earth, Wind.
Yang elements: Smoke, Ice, Metal, Lightning.
Go nuts! Oh and don’t forget criticisms, many criticisms.
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Last edited by Gallant on Tue May 06, 2008 2:40 am; edited 3 times in total
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Masterweaver
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| Posted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 3:24 pm Post subject: |
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You're starving us again! You give us vaguerys, but you don't take time to flesh out what has happened. And you're moving much too fast. At this rate, the boy will lead an army in chapter six.
Plus Grammar. Lots and lots of Grammar errors.
Again, good story, but you have to STOP and READ IT. Speed is only a requirement when there is fear.
As for the DP, why not make it some new element? Something, like... hmmm... Plastic? Trust me, if I read this correctly, plastic is a VERY big thing.
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| Posted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 5:04 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | Now of with you, today’s lesson is over.” |
off with you?
| Quote: | | Eleven of the vault's children made a run back for their homes in fear they may be called back for another lecture, except for one. |
this sentence feels a bit awkward to me.
All of the Vaults children set off at a run, heading home quickly to avoid being called back for another lecture, all bar one.
This sentence seems less awkward and still conveys the necessary details.
| Quote: | | A man would be putting his life endanger dor asking such things |
putting his life IN danger FOR asking
| Quote: | | One touch and the boy would be dead. just one touch. he was an orphan, his dad was old and therefore culled and his mother died at birth. no one would miss him… But he was young, therefore still mouldable |
okay first of all, capital - use them. AND if his mother died at birth then how was he born lol? think you need to add some words
speaking of words is mouldable one? apparently yes... but it feels awkward
| Quote: | | The boy was young but blatantly not young enough to start thinking for himself. Young enough to be taught the priests morals and sense, old enough to be a hazard. What to do, what to do? |
If he is not young enough to think for himself then how did he think of the questions to ask?
| Quote: | | Clive was pacing the small confines of his room. Which means he was walking in a circle three feet in diameter. “Where was he,” he thought. Clive needed him before he could start the days work. He could probably do it himself, it would just take a hell of a lot longer. “Where the bloody hell, is that boy!?” Just as Clive finished murmuring to himself a bouncy young man named Mathew hopped in. |
i find this type of language over familiar.... it seems very casual and doesnt sit well with the rest of the narrative. perhaps consider changing the way these lines are written..
also it easier to read if you drop anything with a set of ' ' around them to a new line... just a format thing.
| Quote: | | The both of them walked down many torch lit corridors, twisting and turning like a complicated labyrinthine. This maze was where they lived, it was where everyone lived. The rooms were mostly empty, the underpopulated hive was the vaults once bustling residential area. Finally they both reached there destination. An out of the way room. |
labyrinth vaults' (prob use a capital too as its a place) their not there destination
| Quote: | | “Was just wondering if your were listening…” Mathew looked down and fidgeted with his sleeves. |
you not your.
| Quote: | | “Okay, stand back. We don’t want to explain burns away to our parents again now do we?” |
until this line i thought they were adults. then a few linmes later i realised they were brothers. maybe you should make this clear earlier.
| Quote: | | Okay, stand back. We don’t want to explain burns away to our parents again now do we?” He gave Mathew one of those disapproving big brother faces to look at. The kind that you would like to punch. However, Mathew obliged with his brothers wishes and stood clear. Clive rose his arms and pointed clenched fists at the metal wall. “Remember and get ready to cool it down, the faster it cools the better.” Mathew nodded. Clive closed his eyes and flames fired in a constant flow towards the wall. It was like the older brother had two Bunsen burners for arms. The flames bold and blue with the occasional flicker of red. A strong, clean burn. |
really need to break this paragraph up into two or perhaps three - at the moment it is hard to read and runs on into itself till it makes no sense.
| Quote: | | Over the thunderous hissing you could still hear the deep groans and creaking from the metal. |
dropping you into the sentence changes the tone of the narrative, perhaps think about something different here like 'Over the thunderous hissing the deep groans of the creaking metal could still be heard' or something.
| Quote: | | “When I tell you something boy, you best well do it or languish the consequences!” |
Languish? um wrong word... means 'to become weak or feeble, to lose vigour..'
| Quote: | | “Well, I was born with the element.” The Priests eyes widened. Another elemental. In his colony! How could it of gone unnoticed? |
how could it HAVE gone unnoticed?
| Quote: | | This!” The Priest pulled his sleeve back to show two patterns beside each other. Both shared the shame shaped squiggly line, it was just one pattern faced another direction. |
the same? squiggly line? it was just one pattern duplicated, facing in opposite directions? or a mirror image?
| Quote: | | when the day cam they would all be free of the god forsaken vault. |
came
| Quote: | | “Don’t be alarm if you feel any sudden pain. What this is going to do to you is force your elements to show. Joshua, Caleb, hold his hands to the ball and brace yourselves for stinging.” |
alarmed.
DP? Lets find out his elements .
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 5:24 pm Post subject: |
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Well, Nenners has played the correction card, which saves me some work!
Apart from the above by Nen, and the fact that the old 'elemental' wizard thing isn't very original, I'm quite enjoying this one.
Element. I think it should be something new and dangerous. Mmm. Maybe... Time?
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NeverNeverGirl
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| Posted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 5:26 pm Post subject: |
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| Chinaren wrote: | Well, Nenners has played the correction card, which saves me some work!
Apart from the above by Nen, and the fact that the old 'elemental' wizard thing isn't very original, I'm quite enjoying this one.
Element. I think it should be something new and dangerous. Mmm. Maybe... Time? |
ohhh ren i like it - twist the subject.... time rocks! i vote time .
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Gallant
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| Posted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 6:18 pm Post subject: |
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Could you guys choose from the elements I put in. I'm trying to create a limited world here.  Bugger it all! Just keep the suggestions rolling in and I'll be happy. Fixed the chapter by the way and fleshed it out a bit too.
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| Posted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 6:34 pm Post subject: |
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| No, on second thought, I want his element to be biogenetics. But that means plastic's still in the running!
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scissorkitty
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| Posted: Tue Mar 11, 2008 4:56 pm Post subject: |
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| oo! oo! How about time and TECHNOLOGY? i mean.. that would make for a whole alternate-universe thing. Or, if they live underground because of some sort of pollution.. what if his element is OXYGEN? Then he could give it.. but he could ALSO potentially take it away. Giving him the ability to kill with a touch as well. Making him a rival/ally of the priest?
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Gallant
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| Posted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 7:44 pm Post subject: |
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Polls up, I have the bulk of the next chapter written, now I just need the decision!
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Masterweaver
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| Posted: Thu Mar 13, 2008 3:51 am Post subject: |
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| Biogenetics is the ability to manipulate DNA. shapshifting may fall under it, bu t only after long periods of training.
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scissorkitty
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| Posted: Thu Mar 13, 2008 4:32 am Post subject: |
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| Well, i think for plastic.. since it's new, and no one has ever had it before.. it can be whatever you want it to be? For instance.. plastic will melt with heat, but it's water repellent, quite strong, shiny, resistant to wind and erosion... it depends on the circumstances. Maybe he can make plastic armor? maybe he can make unbreakable vessels? Maybe he can turn pieces of other people into plastic? Who knows.
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| Posted: Thu Mar 13, 2008 8:33 am Post subject: |
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I've gone for Time - because it's the only one that is limited. I think the potential uberness of the other options could spoil it.
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NeverNeverGirl
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| Posted: Thu Mar 13, 2008 3:06 pm Post subject: |
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| i voted time! ge that scary old priest! HACK HIM INTO LITTLE PIECeS !
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| Posted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 3:44 am Post subject: |
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Ah also went fer Time. Yer need ter listen ter the folks above, but ahm fair likin' this story so far young Gallant.
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| Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 2:41 am Post subject: |
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The battle is on; Boy or Priest, or together against all odds, the interest rises and the game has taste. Will time tempt us to the wee hours as we wait for the next thrill. Damn the spelling and gramma, just let the unfolding continue. 
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| Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 2:47 am Post subject: |
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| zeneth wrote: | | Damn the spelling and gramma, just let the unfolding continue. |
Keep unfolding, but don't damn the spelling and grammar please!
Welcome Zenith!
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| Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 2:58 am Post subject: |
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 Of course correctness has value and indeed enhances the journey; my wish is for Gallant to trust the flow and allow experience develop new form as surely as free young imagination rises. Perhaps the English is a second nature, and maybe the priest has an ealier knowledge, that may need youthfull innocence and mis -stepping to merge the forces of yin and yan that keep them all below the horizon of normal?
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| Posted: Sat Apr 26, 2008 3:00 am Post subject: Chapter 3: Time |
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Watch out guys! There is one or two sweary words in this instalment.
Pain burst from the back of David’s eyes and his hands burned like they were in the heart of a fire, but he did not scream. He could not scream. David was entirely frozen, yet he could hear and feel the Priests lackeys wince and struggle. All he could see were two grey eyes trying to work out what was happening.
“Do any of you see anything? Any sparks or moisture?” Flustered the Priest.
Joshua struggled to reply.
“I don’t… I don’t see anything.”
“Caleb, what do you sense?”
Caleb paused before he answered.
“It’s hard.”
“Just do it!”
“I sense… I sense everything. But blurred, and sluggish.”
“What do you mean everything? What everything?”
“I mean everything. I don’t see an element I just see this room. It’s all slow and unfocused… It’s getting slower. It looks like it’ll stop.”
“What the hell are you-”
Everything went silent. The torture finally stopped but Joshua and Caleb’s grip were still clamped around his wrists. David let go of the dark granite ball but was confused to why he didn’t hear a thud.
The he realised; floating in mid air the orb refused to move. David slipped out of Joshua and Caleb’s motionless hands and attempted to budge the rock unsuccessfully. Moving his arms through the air was liking waving them through sludge. Even breathing was extremely difficult. Before David could understand what was happening normality returned.
“-On about?”
The orb dropped onto Joshua’s foot and Caleb fell over from holding David’s arm. In the Priests eyes it looked like nothing had transpired.
“Idiots, you were supposed to hold onto him.” The Priest picked up a short walking stick and smacked Caleb on the head and Joshua on the foot he wasn’t clutching. “Get out of here, the both of you.”
The boys left leaving the door open and a very bemused looking David sitting under the heat of the Priest. Much time had past before the Priest decided to speak and that was only to stop David fidgeting. He placed a firm hand on David’s wrist to stop him playing with the many trinkets and fancy things scattering the desk.
“Boy, I saw you move just before you dropped the Forsastone. Well, rather I saw you’re hands in one place, then in another. I have a few ideas as to how that happened but first, tell me, what did you feel?”
“What do you mean?”
“What happened after you touched the stone?”
“Err…”
“Answer me!”
“I-I… I don’t know. It w-was all…”
“What? What was it!?”
“I d-don’t know. Maybe the stone is broken, maybe I’m not an elementalist after all.”
“I’ll teach you to waste my time!”
The Priest raised his cane to smack David but when the punitive stick came to smite the boy he was gone and the cane snapped on the chair David was sitting in. The Priest’s eyes darted from the empty chair to his now shattered walking stick. Only a whisper escaped his mouth, which was more of an acknowledgement for himself than a statement.
“Time…”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mathew and Clive decided to spend the rest of their day loitering around the canteen. It wasn’t that busy, everyone was working in the greenhouse at this time of the day. Clive treated Mathew to some of his personal rations and bought him a veggie-burger. The burger cost a whole days chips as the wheat yield was a bit tough this season. Someone mucked up with the crop rotations but his little brother hadn’t had bread in a few weeks so it was worth it. For the both of them.
Clive tussled Mathews hair as he began to dig in to the little meal. Clive began to speak while Mathews mouth was full. It was really the only time he listened.
“We finally did it Matt. We got dirt!” Mathew swallowed hard on the piece he was chewing.
“What if we get caught? I mean you don’t really think the Father doesn’t know that we’re elementalists?”
“You know I’ve worried about that from day one.”
“And he has those goons Jacob and Caleb. Caleb can sense powers, I mean you don’t really think he’s that stupid do you?”
“I told you, that bastard doesn’t use his powers when he’s fucking about with them… Don’t make me repeat it.” Mathew began to move uncomfortably in his seat and there was an awkward pause. Mathew was never the one for staying quiet for long and decided to break the silence.
“What will we do if we ever get caught?”
“Don’t worry about-”
“Don’t worry about what?”
“Shut up a minute.”
Clive stretched his tall frame from his seat and stared at a small pale boy trying to look as if he wasn’t listening to anyone. Clive shouted over to him.
“Oi! You, c’mere.”
“Me?” Said the boy.
“Yeah, c’mere.”
The boy reluctantly stood out of his seat and cowered like a beaten dog as he walked up to Clive. Clive felt guilty for his somewhat angry demeanour sometimes, but that’s what protected him and his brother from the spies under the Priests control.
“What’s your name?”
“David.”
“How much did you hear David?”
“I swear I won’t tell anyone, I don’t even know what you’re doing but I won’t tell anyone anyway.”
Mathew decided to interrupt.
“Don’t trust him! I saw him in class today, he was called back by the Priest, he might be one of his eyes.”
Clive grabbed David by the back of his neck.
“Are you a spy? And you better answer honestly.”
“Ah…”
Right guys, there’s the DP. What does David do?
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Last edited by Gallant on Sun May 04, 2008 10:46 pm; edited 2 times in total
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| Posted: Sat Apr 26, 2008 3:09 am Post subject: |
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Well, I don't suppose they'll hit him if he tells'em that he's just run AWAY from the priest, cause frankly, he's a bit creepy.
So, tell'em the truth.. but try and leave out the time bit.. just say that he's got really good reflexes.
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| Posted: Sat Apr 26, 2008 4:30 am Post subject: |
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| Lilith wrote: | Well, I don't suppose they'll hit him if he tells'em that he's just run AWAY from the priest, cause frankly, he's a bit creepy.
So, tell'em the truth.. but try and leave out the time bit.. just say that he's got really good reflexes. |
May I qoute you... ok... I f5 lilith.
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NeverNeverGirl
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| Posted: Mon Apr 28, 2008 1:26 am Post subject: |
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one thing
| Quote: | | “We finally did Matt. We got dirt!” Mathew swallowed hard on the piece he was chewing. |
We finally did it?
I think you are doing a great job - this chappie might be a tad short but i think it was a necessary segueway. Good job with bringing the famine etc into the foreground of the story!
DP? He tells them that he has been found to be an elementalist but doesnt reveal his 'type' until he grows to trust them...
mutual bonding time!
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| Posted: Mon Apr 28, 2008 1:38 am Post subject: |
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Verrrrry good Gallant. You havvve been deemed worrrrrrthy.
Ensssssssssurrrrre you maintain your SSSSSSSSG.
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| Posted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 5:25 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | Clive grabbed David by the back of his neck.
“Are you a spy? And you better answer honestly.” |
One point - who actually asks questions like that? I mean, if he is a spy, he's still going to lie to them regardless of them telling him to 'answer honestly'.
He should lie full out - don't let them know he's anything special. If he has to, make up something about the Priest calling him up to punish him, rather than testing him.
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