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Kalanna Rai
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 Posted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 9:20 pm Post subject: American Vampire- On Hiatus |
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Okay, I was going to wait until April...but if I don't post this now the research will kill me. So here you are, a little early, something to ponder. Enjoy!
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American Vampire
Prologue: A Clean Deal
The iconic tones of Glenn Miller's 'In the Mood' filled the air of the neat studio causing the toes of it's occupant to tap gently as his body began to sway with the rhythem. Pulling out a bottle of Windex and a roll of paper towels he began to clean his windows, polishing them to a streak free shine. He made sure the frames were restored to pristine condition, not a speck of grime remaining, and their panes were as clear as well...glass. Then he turned his attention to the dust covered surfaces that seemed to be everywhere exchanging Windex for Pledge. His counters and coffee table, his mantel, his knick-knacks and brickabrack.
Exchanging his towels and spray for one of those all in one broom/mop/scrubber thingys, he tooled around the floor of his home, making sure everything gleamed to the point where a person could walk across in white socks and have them stay white. Satisfied that all was in order in the living room he headed for the one remaining room he'd yet to clean...the kitchen. Jars were wiped down and placed in order, the sink scrubbed until it looked like one from a dish soap commercial, sparkling. Cupboards were wiped and all his stainless steel gadgets and gizmos were polished until sparkling. There wasn't even a single smudged fingerprint to marr their surfaces which were so clean he could have seen his reflection in them...if he'd had a reflection to see.
Setting down his cleaning impliments and gazing back over his now show-room quality clean home, Travis smiled to himself. "Perfect." His dryer buzzed, reminding him he still had a load of laundry to put away. "Well, not quite." He grabbed the laundry basket from it's nook under the hall shelves and opened a pair of accordian style slat doors to reveal a stacked washer/dryer unit. He pulled out the still warm clothes, taking a moment to inhale the scent of Bounce, Downy, and Tide that imbued them. "Heaven." What could compare to this simple pleasure?
He walked the basket into his bedroom, taking a moment to deposit some extremely fluffy pristine white towels in the small bathroom closet, before sorting out what went into his dresser and what hung in his closet. The job was done in moments and he sauntered back into the hall, dropping the basket and tucking it away with some snazzy footwork as he let himself go with the flow. Ah but he loved swing music, and jazz, and blues. Today's music didn't have the same simple elegance even if it was more complex. Of course in his day, classical had been contemporary. Long dead composers had been 'edgy' and 'new'.
He smiled again, settling himself into the corner of his curved couch and staring out his windows at the city that spread out at his feet. The building who's top floor he lived on was old, cheap and dingy on the outside, built onto the side of a high mountain over-looking the wrong side of the town. Staring directly across he could look at multi-million dollar mansions, his lips curling slightly at the thought of the people that existed within them. Amazing the difference of incomes on the neighboring mountain sides. Over there, the rich and wealthy idled their days away while over here men and women rushed off to jobs that barley covered the food they ate and the rent of the homes they lived in.
Travis was the sole exception. Independantly wealthy he was not but he was comfortable. His art was highly sought after by the well-heeled crowd and his 'special skills' were discreetly sought after by discreet persons. Travis was unique, even amid the crowd of unique people he belonged to. Some rare fluke, a reaction of his genes to the onset of his current condition, had given him something greatly desired in certain low circles. Unlike most of those who shared his affliction, Travis was a night owl by choice and inclination, not by necessity. If he felt like taking a mid-afternoon stroll, he slathered on the sunblock, popped on the RayBan's, and went for the walk.
A warm weight landed on his lap and his fingers idly scratched the ears of a cat with medium long black fur. Travis chuckled a bit as his only companion butted his chin, demanding more attention. "Evening Odysseus." He said mildly as he lightly scratched the cat's chin with a single finger. "And how are we tonight?" A resounding purr met his query as the cat kneeded his lap gently with it's claws before curling into a contented ball. He gently stroked it, listening to it purr even as it dozed off. "Easy to please, as usual."
The clock on the wall chimed the hour softly and Travis nodded. "Any minute now..." As if on cue the doors leading to the roof opened and a woman in red sashayed down them as if she owned the place. Her deep mahogany locks were curled into bunches of ringlets and neatly pinned up close to her head, her paraffin skin contrasting neatly to both locks and outfit. Travis nodded to her as she stepped onto his newly cleaned wooden floors, striding across them with her high heels clicking softly.
"Travis, I see you still have that damned cat." She sniffed depricitatingly and glanced around with all the interest of a hawk seeking out it's dinner. "Well, are we going to get on with this?"
"First things first Olivia. Where is it?" Travis wasn't about to give up Essence to this woman without compensation in hand. Olivia was firstly not his type in looks or personality and secondly a known liar. If the offer hadn't been so spectacular he wouldn't have even delt with her. But this was once an a lifetime, and when your lifetime was limitless that really was saying something.
The woman wrinkled her pert nose at him, reaching into the red silk purse that hung from a slender chain over her shoulder. With a quick look around she reached in and withdrew a sliver mirror of obvious antiquity. The elegant workmanship on the back was stamped with runes left by a people that no longer existed, forgotten by both man and those more than man. The surface was flawless, glimmering softly in the lights of the studio. Gently Travis displaced Odysseus, who opened one green eye and stretched before curling up in the recently vacated couch spot.
Travis took the mirror from Olivia and turned it over in his hands, smiling as he caught sight of himself in the polished glass. A mirror that could provide him a reflection, fools didn't know the worth of something like this. He gently set it down on his coffee table, resolving to probe its other uses later."Well?" He looked up from the mirror to where Olivia stood, ruby lips pursed and eyebrows so raised they were lost in her hairline.
Travis sighed and pulled up his sleeve, offering her a wrist. "Knock yourself out doll. Cutoff limit's a pint, more than that and you won't like the results." He stared out the window, not caring to watch as Olivia readied herself for a strike. He didn't even flinch as she bit down, standing coolly as she gave a small sigh of contentment at the flavor. He'd been told it was exceptional but it wasn't as if he could tell. He just smiled politely and took the compliment while wishing they'd just leave him be.
Olivia pulled back after the designated pint had been withdrawn, a single swipe of her tounge closing the wound. Travis sighed and pulled his sleeve back down, rubbing his numb hand to restore circulation to the stiffened digits. He looked at Olivia, slightly disgusted at the blood that still shimmered in the corners of her mouth and along her lips. Ugh, messy eater. She mistook his look for something else, smiling and batting her eyes a little bit. "You really are good enough to eat Travis. One of these days somebody's going to ignore that limit of yours and take it all."
She moved closer and he smiled at her, playing the moment right until the last when his fingers wrapped around that slim neck of hers and let her feel the strength in them. Fear flashed through her eyes as she realized that, despite just having imbued herself with his Essence, she had no power over him. "It's not like some havn't tried. But it's easier said than done." He quietly hefted her off the floor and walked back up the stairs to the roof.
The night wind ruffled his roan hair as he walked casually across, ignoring Olivia's slight struggles and utterings. Extending his arm he dangled her over the edge where a cliff dropped four hundred feet down to the rooftops of the houses in the valley below. "Goodnight Olivia." He said, releasing his grip and letting her fall. Without looking back he returned to his home, shutting and locking the door to the roof behind him. Picking the mirror up from the coffee table he sat back down on the couch, smiling when Odysseus climbed back into his lap moments later.
"Mirror mirror..." He uttered with a smile as he trailed a light finger across it's quicksilver surface. His reflection smiled back at him, human qualities lost as his non-human ones were emphasized. It told only the truth, glamours aside, but it also told more. "Now where's the owners manual when you need it?"
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The first chappy will be along soon, I just leave you this to ponder...for now. Hope you liked!
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"It's not just about living forever...the trick is living with yourself forever..."
"Music makes you braver."
Last edited by Kalanna Rai on Mon Mar 29, 2010 9:47 pm; edited 34 times in total
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Lilith
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Masterweaver
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| Posted: Tue Mar 11, 2008 5:07 am Post subject: |
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| I'll stay. Just cause I'm bored. Remember, though I have no blood, so...
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Novelest_Ninjagirl
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| Posted: Tue Mar 11, 2008 6:06 am Post subject: |
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Brava! Brava! I must admit that it was mere bordum that brought me here, and the need to kill time. The title made it sound like it wouldn't be something I'd enjoy, since I don't normmally seem to like Vampie tales. Reading this though, is making me wonder what's going to happen, leaving me on the edge, waiting to see what problem will arise, and how he will fix. WAiting to see if he makes any allies in his journey, or what.  sorry, trailed off there. Anyway, I say keep going with this girl. If it can hook a picky reader like me, from the very first sentence, then I say you've got yourself a keeper! *claps*
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Syranore
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| Posted: Tue Mar 11, 2008 12:17 pm Post subject: |
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Glad you decided to post this. Looking forward to the rest of the story.
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Directive Chapter 2 -Complete
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Gallant
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| Posted: Tue Mar 11, 2008 8:45 pm Post subject: |
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Ha ha Lilith, your not so spoiled. I got it early too. Well I've already told you my opinions of it Rai. Hope to see more, don't be discouraged.
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Bold as brass.
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CunningFox
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| Posted: Tue Mar 11, 2008 11:53 pm Post subject: |
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well okay. Im not a fan of vampire stories really, but this was written okay.
However Kalanna, I've followed some of your stories before, of and on, and may I just say I think you need to try something differetn.
It seems to me all your characters are very similar, very 'cool' and 'uber'. I don't know, somehow it fails to grab my interest. What about doing a 'hero' who's crippled or ugly or something? I'm reading Avarice, and the hero there is hardly handsome or gifted. D-Lotus's new one too. Though the hero has great powers, he can't use them well, and is relatively easily bound and full of flaws.
Also take a look at the chapter above. It's filled with long paragraphs that are all the same size. Doesn't make it any easier to read. Try breaking them up a bit or something.
There are some silly spelling mistakes, but only a few I saw. The grammar looks fine and the chapter is well enough written, but I think it's lacking in some undefinable area.
Hope you don't take this the wrong way, just giving some honest feedback.
Keep writing, I know you will.
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Just browsing, thank-you.
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NeverNeverGirl
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| Posted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 1:54 am Post subject: |
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Heya Rai.
Just wanted to let you know that i have read this.
I wonder where it will go and if you will be able to take it to another level - twist it out to somewhere where the usual daywalking-vampire-remorsful-at-their-bloodsucking story doesn't go.
I wait and see and hope.
I find your style has evolved and your phrasing has improved dramatically. (see all that nitpicking pays off lol)
Some things i thought didnt quite hit the mark but i will wait it out and see how the next chapter progresses  .
keep it up.
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Kalanna Rai
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| Posted: Thu Mar 13, 2008 8:17 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, enough with the prologue...now for something you can sink you teeth into...no pun intended. Enjoy!
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Chapter One: Package
Greg looked from the little scrap of newspaper to the shopfront and back, shaking his head. "I should have known..." he muttered, staring back down at the text of the want-ad. "Wanted: Easy going person with a willingness to work odd hours and open mind. Must be able to multi-task and deal with stress. Call 490-7286 or inquire in person at 66 Viriden Way." He looked back at the little brass numbers on the building's front, wishing they would change. But they didn't and Greg continued to stare at the shop that occupied that address.
The windows were veiled by black curtains, the front made from dark bricks, and on the frosted glass of the door, scripted in black cursive, was the name 'Raven Rants'. Just benieth that in the same black font were the hours 'Dusk-Dawn'. He shook his head. "Just my luck...a goth shop." he said for the umpteenth time. He'd called earlier today and, when nobody answered, he'd stopped by. Then, reading the hours labled on the door, he'd gone away to do some soul searching. Did he really want to work in a place like this?
After falling asleep on his friend's couch by accident and waking up around midnight, Greg took it as a sign. No he didn't want to work in a shop like that but work was work and beggars couldn't be choosers. Once he had a steady job, he could actually find a real place to live instead of the myraid couches he was bouncing from. So he steeled his nerves to climb the three steps infront of the door. With sweating palms he pushed it open, expecting some tolling bell sound effect to announce his entry or maybe some horrific shrieks. Instead there was the gentle tinkling of a silver bell.
Looking around he was surprised, this wasn't nearly as bad as he expected. The interior was constructed mostly of dark wood, mahogany maybe or something varnished darker, with a few black accents. Part of the floor was black tile with some tables and chairs where trendy 'goths' sat drinking their lattes and clicking away on their laptops. The rest was covered in a thick maroon carpet that simply begged a person to kick off their shoes and sit in one of the lumpy, comfortable looking black chairs and enjoy a book. A trendily dressed couple was doing just that, chuckling over something one of them had just read.
The shelves stretched in a haphazard manner, obviously custom constructed to look like an old english study. They were lined with books from A to Z on topics as wide rangeing as werewolves and wicca, to several text books that were on Greg's reading list for several of his college classes. On the wall, posters for movies like 'The Crow' and 'Interview with a Vampire' were sitting alongside those for 'Shaun of the Dead' and the three 'Pirates of the Carribean' movies. The air smelled like warm banana bread and some soft music played in the background...Evanescence maybe?
This was not at all what he expected. Where was the doom? Where was the gloom? Where were the real goths? Just when Greg was beginning to wonder if he'd completely judged the book by the cover, the sounds of a beaded curtain moving drew his attention to the shop's front counter. The clerk who had just come on duty fit his idea of 'gothic' to a T.
Her hair was pulled up in foot long liberty spikes and dyed a shocking mix of ice white and near black purple. Her make-up screamed skeletal from the eyeshadow that would have attracted a love-sick racoon, to the ebony lipstick that made her skin seem even paler. She was wearing a mini-mini skirt and the only material covering her arms and legs were fishnets that had seen better days. Her black halter top had a small purple vampire bat and the words 'Bite Me' on the inch of material that covered the upper part of her torso, leaving everything from an inch below her navel to an inch below her breasts bare.
He was almost scared to approach her, with her cameo choaker on it's black silk ribbon and her three silver chains with their crosses of varying sizes. She even had mismatched dangling cross earrings in her ears and plenty of silver hoops. A diamond stud gleamed from her nose and she chewed on something that proved to be black bubble gum. Blowing a large black bubble, she popped it with an inky black nail that had been filed to a point, drawing the gum back into her mouth so that she could begin the process again. Then she noticed Greg, her eyes made totally black by contacts staring at him with all the emotion of a Great White shark.
"What?" She demanded between chews, blowing another bubble. Slowly Greg walked forward, fishing out the want ad again and holding it up for her. She squinted to read the print before shrugging her shoulders and glaring at him. "So?"
His paitence wearing slightly thin, Greg looked at her with raised eyebrows. "So are you hiring or not?"
There was tense silence for a moment before the goth girl walked away from the mahogany and glass counter and stuck her head through the beaded curtain. "VICK! I'M HIRING THIS GUY! GET YOUR BUTT OUT HERE AND LOOK HIM OVER!" Greg jumped and noticed several of the customers stopped what they were doing and left the shop, several shooting sympathetic smiles his way. Rats from a sinking ship, his brain told him.
"HANG ON!" Came the roared reply followed by the sound of several heavy objects falling and mild cursing. A few moments later a man who looked like he could play Lucifer decently walked out, rubbing a wrist and scowling at the goth girl. "Alright, where is he?" His voice was lightly accented and his eyes seemed to bore right through you.
"That guy." She said with another popped bubble, pointing one laquered nail at Greg. Vick's attention swung to him and Greg swallowed hard under the scrutiny, like a rabbit staring down a wolf.
Then Vick smiled, a gleaming white grin, and folded his arms. "He'll do. I'm putting him with you Paulina, show him the ropes and make sure he can run things well enough to take third shift."
Paulina, as the goth girl turned out to be named, gaped at Vick. "Do I look like a freaking people person Vick! Why not put him with Emerald when she gets on in a few?"
Vick smiled at the girl as he turned back toward the beaded curtain. "Because, Lina, I can trust you not to sleep with him or try to bespell him." And ignoring the girl's obvious frustration he swept back through the curtain and into the back room.
For a moment Greg just stood there, hands tucked inside the kangaroo pocket of his Quicksilver hoodie. Then he walked up to where there was a gap between counter and wall and slipped behind it, putting himself on the employee side. A weight lifted off his shoulders. "Finally...employment. So...Paulina..."
"IT'S LINA!" She snapped, her mouth opening to unleash further horrors upon him. Then the tinkling of the silver bell announced a customer. Greg watched in awe as Lina turned to the newcomer, a handsome man who crossed the distance between door and counter with an easy grace, and her pissed expression melted into something far sweeter. "Well hello Travis? Cutting it close arn't you? It's almost dawn."
The handsome man fluidly walked over to them and smiled a bit, leaning casually on the counter, the open jacket of his dark suit wrinkling a bit as he did so. "I got a call earlier that my book was in. But I've been rather busy this evening. I just switched from my old agent to a Gallery and they insisted on a showing...it finished up a few minutes ago." His voice was smooth, a little low, and Greg's finely tuned ears picked out the faintest trace of accent...although what accent he couldn't tell.
Lina was nodded polietly, hanging on his every word, and Greg had to wonder what the man's secret was. He was of average height, around six foot or six one, and of average build...certainly not going to stand out in the crowd or at least not seeming so. But his face was male model quality and the way he kept flicking his shaggy roan hair out of his hazel eyes made him seem mysterious. Suddenly he seemed to notice Greg's attention, turning toward him with a smile. "This must be the newest employee, Veronica's replacement."
Lina's near-trance seemed to break, a slight scowel twitching the corners of her mouth. "Oh yeah...that's George..."
"Greg," he corrected with rolled eyes stretching out his hand to take hold of the man's in a firm handshake. "Greg Coby and you must be...Travis?" He got a smile filled with genuine warmth as the man pulled his hand back and gave a slight affermative nod.
Lina flipped an abscent gesture at him as she bent down under the counter, searching amid the stacks of books there. "George, Greg...whatever. Ah, here it is." She straightened back up holding a massive leatherbound volume with a yellow sticky note reading 'Travis' in neat handwriting. She looked from the handsome man to the book and back, raising a black stenciled eyebrow. "Scrying? Since when does Scrying fall into your realm of expertise Travis?"
"A man can be curious. Besides, my muse has taken vacation it seems and neglected to find me a replacement. Not a good situation to be in when your livelyhood depends on your inspiration."
Greg nodded. "Oh I hear that. I'm a musician myself. You?"
Travis's gaze swung to him, making him shiver. It was worse than Vick, almost like this guy knew everything about you just by looking at you. "Artist. I mostly work in acrylic and oils although I've been known to use charcoal to good effect. What instruments do you play?"
"Piano and violin," he said with a defiant tilt of his chin, fully expecting some snide remark. It wasn't easy to be classically inclined in a world full of heavy metal guitarists and rock and roll drummers. And let's face it...Greg was no Billy Joel.
But Travis only smiled a gleaming smile and paid Lina cash for his book. "Ambitious. Don't give up on your music though." A horn honked outside, impaitent, and Travis hefted his book with a shrug. "Well, that's my ride. And I've got to get started on my inspiration searching...now that I'm gallery fodder I've got deadlines to keep. If I want to keep Odysseus fed and myself in canvas I'd better get back to work."
Lina smirked. "What about you? A fellow's got to get a bite every now and then doesn't he?" From the way she was leaning toward him Greg figured Lina desperately wanted to be that bite. Or have him for a meal, one of the two.
Travis, however, snorted and looked over at Greg. "I always get a bite but it's not always something I can really sink my teeth into." The horn honked again and Travis winked at Greg on his way out. "Good luck around here. Don't let the ladies eat you alive...believe me they'll try." And with that Travis seemed to go from the counter to the door in one liquid motion, graceful to the extreme.
As the door opened, Greg caught sight of a newer black SUV with a highly attractive blonde at the wheel. Then the frosted glass blocked his view and he was left only with a glaring Lina who went from wistfully staring after Travis, to attacking Greg like he'd just come between a pitbull and it's steak.
Fisting both hands in the front of his hoodie, she slammed him up against the wall with a surprising strength. For a moment Greg was profoundly greatful that there were no customers left in the building, for his ego's sake. She pulled his face so close their eyelashes were nearly tangling, her words so filled with malice he was surprised the few flecks of spit that flew from her lips were not burning acid. "Stay the hell away from Travis, I've been working him two years now. He's my ticket to immortality...mine."
The rattle of beads and a light noise made her drop him like a hot stone as Vick entered the room. "Nice to see you're both getting along so well...Lina was Travis just here?"
"Yeah." She said in this board 'what's it to you' tone.
"Why didn't you call me?"
"Because he was in a bit of a hurry Vick...had some floosey waiting for him in a car outside."
Vick raised an eyebrow at Lina's description of the blonde woman. "Travis plus floosey doesn't add up...but oh well. I don't care who he's with but I did have something to give him."
"He already got his book Vick, I'm not an idiot."
The look Vick gave her made Greg chuckle. It was this sort of 'oh really?' expression that people wear when somebody they're talking to just did or said something so extremely stupid they don't feel the need to verbally point it out. With an exaggerated sigh, Vick gave a theatrical shrug. "Why do I put up with you Lina? I had something ELSE for Travis, something rather important." His eyes suddenly landed on Greg. "You, would you take it to him if I gave you some directions?"
"Well...I...um..." Greg felt suddenly uncomfortable. He barely knew the guy and Travis had been a little off-putting, smiles and politeness aside.
"Perfect!" Vick said, clapping his hands together and rubbing them briskly. "Hang on." He returned a moment later with a package wrapped in brown waxed paper and tied with thick white twine. A sheet of notebook paper had hastily scribbled directions telling a person how to get from Raven Rants to what was obviously Travis's address. "Okay, all you need to do is go to his building and knock on the door. If he doesn't open it, tell him I sent you."
Greg looked from the outstretched package and directions, to Vick's face, and back again. "Shit, I'll do it Vick." Lina said, almost shoving Greg out of the way, grabbing for the package. Vick moved it out of range of her grasping hands, shaking his head.
"No Lina. Travis doesn't really care that much for you after that 'incident'...remember?" From the flush on her face it was obvious she did. "So it's either Emerald or Greg here...and since Emerald isn't handy that leaves you Greg. So take it." Vick shoved the package into Greg's unwilling grip. "Now it's got to get to him before tonight, so you can either go now or go get some rest and drop it off before you come in tonight. And don't worry...you'll get overtime for this."
At the mention of extra pay, something he desperately needed, Greg made up his mind. "Sure, okay, I'll take it to him on my way in tonight."
"Cool." Vick said. "I'm counting on you. Now go home and get some rest. I'll see you later."
As he walked out of the shop, package under his arm, Greg couldn't help but feel things were looking up. He had no idea that in a few short hours, shit would hit the fan.
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He had just hopped off the bus a block or so away from the building Vick had indicated was Travis's. Dusk was rapidly falling and he'd already called and told Vick he'd be a little late since he was dropping off the package. Vick had been cool about it, telling him that the delivering the package was 'working' so Greg didn't have to sweat it. Now, as he walked up the steep incline toward the building, the package seemed to grow heavier and heavier in his arms. But he struggled on until he came to a dingey structure that had seen better days.
It was art-deco in style, built sometime in the roaring twenties when this neighborhood had been 'up and coming'. Now it's stucco was peeling and faded, mold and grime creeping up on the exterior. Curtains of all kinds blinding the windows and there were cracks in more than a few panes of glass. It was the kind of place that screamed 'I have an elderly maintenence man and the tenents are too kind to kick him out'. Still there was no buzzer on the door, Greg simply pushed it open and began to drag himself up the stairs. Damn the people who lived here, obviously all of them fond of public transport, had to be in excellent cardiovascular condition. This was a freaking workout and wouldn't you know it, Travis lived on the damned top floor?
Reaching the landing with a panted curse, Greg stopped to regain his breath before reaching out and rapping the door to Travis's home. "It's Greg from Raven Rants, Vick sent me," he panted a moment later when nobody opened the door. Sides heaving, the cool walls of the stairwell sucking the heat right out of his flushed and sweating forehead, he felt the package slipping from his sweat-slicked grip. Cursing, he fumbled to tighten his grip on it, pulling it back up securely against him. Not for the first time today, Greg wondered what was in it, what was so damned important? He held it out infront of him as another wave of curiosity swamped him.
This time his will crumbled under the need to know as his mind came up with a thousand fanciful notions, some illeagal and some bizarre, some down right lewd. Almost before he knew it his fingers were working the knot and the string came loose, the ends drifting apart as the tightly wrapped paper began to unfurl. Then, without any sort of coaxing or help on his part, it all fell away leaving that which it contained bare for the world to see. It rested on it's waxed brown paper bed in both his flat palms and Greg couldn't believe his eyes.
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What is this mysterious object Greg has just unwrapped?
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Alrighty then. Let your minds work. The vauge discription on the package itself was to give you more to work with, didn't want to limit the creative ideas. Hope you enjoyed!
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Masterweaver
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| Posted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 4:37 am Post subject: |
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A talking spider
One of the recent Bionicle models (And yes, some look like vampires)
A head, but not human
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
A book titled, "Blood: Necessity or Indulgence?" by R. A. Dracula
So I'm a little loopy. So what? I did catch some periods at the end of questions, though. Not sure where. All in all, an impressive tale.
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Cyberworm
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| Posted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 7:16 am Post subject: |
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a runed knife or a brooch?
Good read there Rai, I love the descriptions of the goths. 
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Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.
Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
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Kalanna Rai
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| Posted: Sun Mar 16, 2008 10:31 pm Post subject: |
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I'm putting the poll up tomorrow so if you've got suggestions, best hurry to get them posted!
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"Music makes you braver."
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Masterweaver
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| Posted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 5:33 am Post subject: |
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| I posted all of my suggestions already.
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scissorkitty
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| Posted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 12:00 pm Post subject: |
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A pamphlet on how to deal with addiction.
A "learn to play classical jazz- beginners from A to Z" book with Snoopy on the cover.
Another note that says something about Greg.
An incredibly high bar-tab, resting on a little black plastic credit-card platter. Ew. Uncomfortable! He has to get money from the dude he just met?
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| Posted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 2:25 pm Post subject: |
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I like where this is headed Rai. I dig the story so far and the character, i think, are great. I can't wait to read more.
What's the package? I say it's an old wooden box of Tarot Cards, with unidentifiable crystals.
I have a slew of suggestions, take what you want, discard what you don't:
Prologue: Loved it, good introduction to the character and certain rules and items that are going to play into the game. Good stuff. I don't know what your other stuff is like, so i can't fully agree with CunningFox. Your vampire obviously has flaws; being an artist in the semi-public eye and wanting to see his own reflection in a mirror represent one thing that a long living vampires cannot have; a wish to be seen. So while i don't fully agree with CunningFox, i do agree that sometimes Travis comes across a little too obvious.
Chapter One: I love how you started this chapter. Introducing a new one into the fold while also showing the world that is most stereotypically associated with vamps, a fish out of water.
There were some spelling mistakes that are easy fixes, they broke me out of the world a couple times. First one was 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence; the word 'benieth' should be spelled 'beneath'. Then, not a mistake until i felt i hit a storm... 
Now, you know these characters better than i do. So let me reiterate that these are just suggestions of how i saw it as a reader:
I had the most problems when Travis entered the scene.
First there is a repetition in the writing, i feel, when he enters. It seems as though he comes through the door and floats over to the counter twice. First this sentence which i loved:
| Kalanna Rai wrote: | | Greg watched in awe as Lina turned to the newcomer, a handsome man who crossed the distance between door and counter with an easy grace, and her pissed expression melted into something far sweeter. "Well hello Travis? Cutting it close arn't you? It's almost dawn." |
then again here in the paragraph immediately after...
| Kalanna Rai wrote: | | The handsome man fluidly walked over to them and smiled a bit, leaning casually on the counter, |
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"Roan", you used this to describe his hair in the Prologue so, imho, i think it should be a different descriptive word.
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A small one that bugged me was the handshake between Greg and Travis.
| Kalanna Rai wrote: | | "Greg," he corrected with rolled eyes stretching out his hand to take hold of the man's in a firm handshake. |
It seems to me it would be better if written like this
| sir wax wrote: | | "Greg," he corrected with rolled eyes stretching out his hand to take hold of Travis's palm in a firm handshake. |
or something else, since Travis should definitely not be referred to as "the man". He's far from it.
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| Kalanna Rai wrote: | | Lina flipped an abscent |
gesture at him as she bent down under the...[/quote]
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Scrying. I may be alone on this one, but i only know a few people who know what scrying is. You and I would be one of these few. How about when Lina remarks "Scrying?" and Travis retorts, Greg then like the typical person who doesn't know, asks what it is? That way, an average reader can identify with someone in the room. They don't have to answer him with the correct answer, Travis could answer being charmingly vague, or not answer him at all. The point is that Greg keeps with his character. OR after Travis retorts, Greg could simply mouth the words to himself. Something to let the readers know that they are not alone if they do not know what scrying is.
E.G. "Scrying? Since when does Scrying fall into your realm of expertise Travis?"
"...um... what's scrying?" Greg asked earnestly.
Travis smiled, "It's something you do when you're feeling sad... or something you do when your muse leaves for vacation and neglects to find a replacement." etc.
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When Greg said to Travis "I know what thats about". Why compare Travis to Vick in terms of looking. It feels as though Travis's look should be non-threatening and should not be compared to Vicks. But it's still fine, i feel, to put in the gaze that knows everything about you in a single glance. I like that part, i just wish it was from a non-uppity place as it felt in the game.
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Lina and Travis when they talk about eating, biting etc. If you want to stay away from cliché it might be better not to do this, you're a clever dragon, you can find some unexplored thing in the realm of vampires eating. The "sink my teeth into" line has been done, let us vampire story specialists never use it again. 
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Travis leaves like 'liquid'. I felt like this was redundant. We know from above that he moves fluidly... what else does he move like? a rain cloud? a shadow? even quickly would have done here. in my opinion, it's detrimental to over describe certain actions, especially if these actions are described in a couple paragraphs above
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the pitbull bit. "Lina who went from wistfully staring after Travis, to attacking Greg like he'd just come between a pitbull and it's steak. " ok, i know why you used it and it might make sense and be good for a lot of people. however, i raise pitbulls and my pits would NEVER LOOK at me aggressively if were to eat out of their dog dish on the floor in front of them. A common misconception is that most pitbulls are aggressive with man, when in actuality they are aggressive toward other dogs, that's how they were bred for generations. News and media commonly mislabel this when reporting many a dog bite, they are usually not pitbulls but they still get blamed, because of this even PETA want to kill all pitbulls (PETA's a horrible organization anyway). Only the few untrained pits that have been abused are aggressive with man, but its extremely rare. Pitbulls are usually known for being in dog fighting rings, because of this humans have to have control over the pitbulls at all times, this breeding it is in their genes to not attack humans. I'm not saying you should change it, i just wanted you to get more informed of pitbull behavior. A more accurate but maybe more descriptive and less funny examples are: two pits in a fighting ring, a dog and it's steak, a lion and her kill, etc.
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loved the burning with acid bit!
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This might be viewed as nitpicking. But when Lina releases Greg from against the wall, maybe theres a better descriptive word or phrase than "hot-stone". Hot-stone implies that she's getting burned, when in fact she was the one on fire! Do you see what i mean? Here are some examples i think you could and can use instead: garbage, tossed away like a bone without meat, left Greg like a flattened house that had just been plowed by a hurricane, disheveled etc.
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| Kalanna Rai wrote: | | The look Vick gave her made Greg chuckle. It was this sort of 'oh really?' expression that people wear when somebody they're talking to just did or said something so extremely stupid they don't feel the need to verbally point it out. With an exaggerated sigh, Vick gave a theatrical shrug. "Why do I put up with you Lina? I had something ELSE for Travis, something rather important." His eyes suddenly landed on Greg. "You, would you take it to him if I gave you some directions?" |
This broke me out of the world again. First the long description of Vick's look. I have done this before so many times, because you see the character with a certain face and you wish other would understand... but sometimes we can't. So my suggestion is to maybe to rephrase it where he looks down on her with condescending eyes for being so ignorant.
His reply, for how you described him above, i don't quite believe his response. Speaking in dog terms again, he's the alpha-dog of this store, so it would make sense that after Lina flexed her dominance on Greg, and snipped at Vick, Vick would flex his muscle to show who the leader of the pack is. E.G.
| sir wax wrote: | | Vick looked at her with a condescending gaze. "Obviously, you gave him the book, Paulina. Do you think i would keep you around if you were completely incompetent? Did you ever think, maybe, i had something ELSE for Travis? Something that is in fact, rather important?" |
To me, Vick will put up with Lina's shit for so long before he eventually snaps. Then Lina for a while will build up this pile of shit again for him to snap again and repeat the cycle, i've seen this in so many places i have worked. And, especially because she is talking down to Vick in front of the new guy, Vick would have to show his dominance somewhere or Greg wouldn't have been threatened by him when he came out of the back.
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| Kalanna Rai wrote: | | "Well...I...um..." Greg felt suddenly uncomfortable. He barely knew the guy and Travis had been a little off-putting, smiles and politeness aside. |
I think the second sentence here isn't needed, not only do we know this, it also takes away from the punch-line delivered from Vick when he says "Perfect!"
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| Kalanna Rai wrote: | "Now it's got to get to him before tonight, so you can either go now or go get some rest and drop it off before you come in tonight. And don't worry...you'll get overtime for this."
At the mention of extra pay, something he desperately needed, Greg made up his mind. "Sure, okay, I'll take it to him on my way in tonight."
"Cool." Vick said. "I'm counting on you. Now go home and get some rest. I'll see you later." |
This Vick doesn't seem like he's a bad guy, he actually seems like a nice guy, if he is then disregard my previous suggestion and this one, i think this would have made it a bit funny.
| sir wax wrote: | "Now it's got to get to him before tonight, so you can either go now or go get some rest and drop it off before you come in tonight. And don't worry, you won't get overtime... but i'll throw in a couple extra dollars for the day.
At the mention of extra pay, something he desperately needed, Greg made up his mind. "Sure, okay, I'll take it to him on my way in tonight."
"Cool.... I can count on that fact you won't fuck this up." Looking a Lina who sheepishly hid by the counter. Vick patted Greg on the back. "Now go home and get some rest. I'll see you later." |
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I loved the last paragraph in this section.
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In the next section i found two small errors that made be re-read them. This one:
| Kalanna Rai wrote: | | Now, as he walked up the steep incline toward the building, the package seemed to grow heavier and heavier in his arms. |
"Now" is present, "walked" "seemed" are past tense. So discard the "now" and maybe "as" OR start the sentence with the word "Walking"
and this one:
| Kalanna Rai wrote: | | It was the kind of place that screamed 'I have an elderly [color=red]maintenence man and the tenents are too kind to kick him out'. |
The spelling errors didn't bother me as much as the construction. Maybe this would work better
| sir wax wrote: | | It was the kind of place that screamed of having an elderly maintenance man that the super was too kind to have kicked out or fired. |
Just a little change but it makes it have a better flow, i think.
------------------------------------------------------------------------- END OF CRIT --------------------------------------------------------
So all in all, these things i have pointed out don't detract from your story any bit. I think your story is great, you've set up some nice characters to work with. Not to mention plots and devices one can use for better story twisting.
And remember, these are my opinions, take all of them to heart, but only use what you feel you want or need... if any.
As i said before i look forward to you upcoming chapters to see where this goes. And i'll say again, i think the package is an old antique tarot card set with unknown crystals. 
Sincerely,
SirWaxaLot
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Kalanna Rai
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| Posted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 10:02 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, the poll is up. Vote!
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"Music makes you braver."
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Kalanna Rai
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| Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 9:56 pm Post subject: |
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Well, the poll closed on a tie...a five way tie. Luckily, I was able to solicit another opinon as to which option I should pick and spare myself the agoney of the choice. Enjoy!
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Chapter Two: Bloody Rose
A knife sat on his open palms, the beautiful inlay on it's sheath gleaming in the dim hallway lights. It wasn't like any knife he'd ever seen, a strange and alien design and surprisingly heavy. He could easily see where the sheath met the handle and, using that as a starting point, estimate the blade to be an easy six inches, closer to seven and oddly curved. He'd just worked up the nerve to try unsheathing the blade when a discreet cough turned his attention to the doorway behind him.
"Isn't it some kind of offense to open a package meant for someone else?" Travis's mild voice was distorted by the toothbrush that hung from his mouth. His hair had that 'I just rolled out of bed' thing going on and he was clad only in a pair of flannel pajama bottoms that hung loosely on his hips. He leaned in his doorway sleepily and was eyeing Greg with something close to amusement. "Or is that no longer true?"
"S..sorry!" Greg stammered, thrusting the knife toward Travis like he was handing it to him on a silver platter. "It just sorta came open in my hands!" He realized how lame that sounded, his Adam's apple bobbing nervously as he swallowed hard. He felt uncomfortable under Travis's gaze, which suddenly ceased to be amused as he beheld the knife Greg proffered him.
With a speed that seemed positively inhuman, Travis took the knife and pulled it clear of it's sheath. The blade was indeed strangely curved, a glowing blue razor etched with a flowing script. There was a loud snap, the sound of Travis biting his toothbrush in half as the muscles of his jaw clenched. Almost absently, the artist caught the handle as it fell toward the floor. He turned and walked back into his home, leaving the door open behind him. For a moment, Greg debated if that was an invitation or not.
He was about to turn around and head for the shop when something caught his eye...well two somethings really. He softly closed the door behind him and walked across the beautiful hardwood flooring to the objects of his interest. They hung illuminated by the last light of the dying sun. Huge and exquisite, one a picture of a white rose speckled with what must have been blood, the other the shadow of a woman viewed through a panel of blue silk. Every step closer he took revealed even more minute details until he gasped suddenly. These were not photographs at all but paintings, their brushstrokes so precise and neat that they blended into a glossy whole. Paintings so realistic he'd mistaken them for photographs.
"You like my work?"
Greg spun around, blinking rapidly as his pulse raced before beginning to return to normal. "Shit, you scared the crap outta me...and these are yours?"
Travis, now dressed reasonably in a pair of jeans and a white t-shirt nodded. "My favorites actually. I never could bring myself to sell them." He stood for a moment, gazing at them in silence, before turning back to Greg. "Now, do you have the faintest idea what you just did...never mind, I can tell you don't."
"Okay, you lost me. What?"
"The khukuri."
"The knife?" Greg shook his head. "Vick just shoved the package in my hands and told me to make sure you got it before sundown." Greg fought down the sudden urge to jump back as Travis swore and ran a hand through his still messy hair.
"Sundown..." They both turned in time to watch the last sliver of the sun slip below the horizon. It was then that all hell broke loose. In the blink of an eye, Greg found himself roughly grasped from behind and shoved to his knees, arms twisted painfully behind him. There was a brief scream, a female scream, and something warm and red obscured his vision. Blood.
He blinked rapidly, shaking his head to clear his stinging eyes. When he finally could see again, he didn't quite believe what his eyes were telling him. A strange stalemate was taking place before him, something straight out of a horror movie. A small pile of ash lay in the middle of the floor, the khukuri laying half buried in it. A second pile of ash sat not more than a foot from Greg, a trail of red droplets clearly denoting that this was where the blood soaking him had come from.
Travis was facing off against a delicate blond woman dressed in a black catsuit, an Asian sword of some kind in his hand leveled at her throat. Blood stained the edge of the elegant blade, gleaming wetly. For a moment nobody moved, nobody spoke, and neither Travis or the woman appeared to breath. Indeed a strange feeling, a tingling electricity filled the air, mingling with the arctic chill that was now the room temperature.
"This one's human." The voice was female and came from the person holding him. He saw the eyes of blond narrow as a smile twisted her fine features and...oh god were those fangs? What the hell was going on here?!
"Travis, tisk tisk. I thought you were against servitude. Or have your high words always been an act?"
Travis did not smile though there was mirth in his words. "Isabelle you are a fool. Greg is neither Servant nor Source."
"Well then, oh great one. What is he?" The blond, Isabelle's words were dripping with envenomed sarcasm.
And now Travis smiled. "Collateral. And I deny you kill privileges. Perhaps next time you shall ask before invading my demesne...or was your intent to kill me?"
Isabelle muttered something Greg could not understand, her gaze flicking from the khukuri to Travis's unwavering blade and back. "Mai Lien warned you did she? Maxis will hear of this."
"Let him, Maxis has no control over Mai and never will. Frankly, I think it pisses him off...don't you?" Travis paused a moment to allow Isabelle to consider his words before speaking again. "Now, there still is this little problem you have created. You've exposed us to a human and I will not allow either you or your lackey to harm him Isabelle. Recompense is required."
A silent signal must have been communicated because Greg suddenly felt cold breath on his neck, a pair of sharp points pressing against his carotid artery. "I could simply have Alexandra change him, Travis." Isabelle's voice was smooth, silken, the voice of a woman who knows she's won.
Travis chuckled. "There is death involved in the Kiss Isabelle. We do not live. And if you did come here to kill me tonight, do you honestly expect me to bestow feeding rights upon you or your minion? I am not so generous. I will, however, make you a tempting offer. Leave now and you'll live to try this another day."
The fangs retreated from Greg's neck and the grip upon him loosened as the other woman, Alexandra, moved away at Isabelle's signal. She grinned at him, a predator's smile with full long fangs. Her blue eyes were positively hypnotic, her black hair falling down her back like a waterfall. Something, the equivalent of a mental slap, tore his attention off of her. "None of that either." Travis said mildly. "I despise such low methods."
Isabelle laughed. "Low methods. You are one to talk Bloody Rose. But your offer is indeed generous, we shall take our leave of you now." She bowed low, turning towards Alexandra. But as the black haired woman bowed, a streak of silver split the room like lightning, blood limning a graceful arc behind it. Before her head had even hit the floor, Alexandra was nothing but ashes.
"I said you Isabelle. I did not say your minion. Such is the price of trespass."
Isabelle was furious, Greg didn't need to be a vampire to tell that. Bright red patches appeared on her pale skin and she hissed at Travis. "This is not over! Maxis will not stand for this insult." And like an ill wind, she was gone leaving Greg alone with Travis and three piles of ash that had formerly been creatures of the night.
With a sigh, Travis finally allowed his sword to fall from it's ready position. He walked into the kitchen and rummaged around under the sink a moment. A rag appeared and he ran it lightly over the edge of the blade, removing the blood and restoring it's brilliant shine. Then, rag still in hand, he gathered up a broom and dustpan and proceeded to sweep up the ashes, which were as fine as sand. These he dumped without ceremony into his trashcan, washing his hands to clear the last traces.
A plaintive meow sounded and Greg watched a black cat slink out from down the hallway, Travis stooping to scratch it's ears and give it a dish of food. Then, suddenly, Travis was staring at him. "I suppose you want an explanation?"
"Well, you can skip the whole 'vampire' part of things. I've seen enough movies to know that's what you are."
Travis smiled. "Shock is a wonderful thing. Humanity thinks so clearly before the hysteria sets in. And Greg, we're nothing like the films, or the books for that matter." He watched Travis wander over to the phone and pick it up. "I should probably call and tell your boss we're both still alive..."
"Wait a second. Vick knows doesn't he?"
Travis laughed even as he dialed the number. "Oh yes, Vick's known all about vampirism for about...twenty years now. Or at least I think that's what he said. You'll have to ask him, I'm terrible with things like that."
Greg nearly choked. "Vick is a..."
"Vampire, yes. Or did you think the hours of his shop were simply a gimmick?" Travis made a shushing gesture as someone obviously picked up on the other end of the line. "Emerald, this is Travis....yes I would....Vick? Well naturally....yes it helped...yes he's here....yes...yes...About an hour....alright then." Travis turned and fixed him with a light stare which did nothing to blunt the sheer intensity of the gaze. "Let me get my coat."
"We're headed back to the shop?" Greg blurted out.
"Well I'm certainly not staying here tonight. Maxis is nothing if not persistent...although I wonder what the hell I could have done to piss him off now." Greg followed Travis as the vampire walked down the hall, watching his every move to make sure that Travis didn't suddenly go all 'Dracula' on him and become a throat seeking missile. "I have no intention of it."
"You can read my mind?"
"Not like you think I can but I can get suggestions of what your thoughts might be. Oh, and here." He said, tossing Greg a washcloth on their way past his stacked linens. "Bathroom's in there, you might want to scrub the blood off of yourself. You look more like a vampire than I do."
Greg mutely nodded his thanks, shutting the bathroom door as he turned on the tap. He ran the cloth under the water and began to scrub at himself, horrified by his own bloody reflection. His stomach suddenly couldn't handle it and he ended up doubled over the toilet bowl, heaving his socks off. Staring into the whirling water, a million questions went through his mind but all of them only to one end. He was now under Travis's 'protection' he supposed...and that meant he needed to know more about Travis. And fast.
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Alright, Greg's just been introduced to the 'after hours' community. He needs to learn more about Travis. If this were you, what would be the first thing you did?
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A
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"Music makes you braver."
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D-Lotus
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| Posted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 11:27 pm Post subject: |
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Maybe it's just me, but I detect a hint of homosexuality underlying this 'protectorate' thing. Anyway, if I were Greg, I'd want to know who is likely to attack me, and whether there are any rules which protect me from being devoured. On a side note, Greg seems a bit contradictory; on the one hand, he impulsively opens up someone's package, walks into their home uninvited, and then vomits due to the sight of blood, but on the other hand, he cool-headedly accepts the existence of supernatural beings.
_________________
 Chapter 5: The Rendezvous 
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Kalanna Rai
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| Posted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 11:57 pm Post subject: |
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Definetly you D. And Greg's currently in shock, just going through the movements. Wait until he starts coming out of it and trying to be logical...
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"Music makes you braver."
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D-Lotus
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| Posted: Sat Mar 22, 2008 12:36 pm Post subject: |
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Well, this is what gave me that impression, among other things:
| Quote: | | She pulled his face so close their eyelashes were nearly tangling, her words so filled with malice he was surprised the few flecks of spit that flew from her lips were not burning acid. "Stay the hell away from Travis, I've been working him two years now. He's my ticket to immortality...mine." |
Lina is obviously trying to seduce Travis, but why does she feel threatened by Greg? In this scene, it's somewhat ambiguous as to what Lina thinks Greg's intentions are.
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Chapter 5: The Rendezvous
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| Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 6:14 pm Post subject: |
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Well, now that Travis has- as DLotus pointed out- opened, intruded, and puked... perhaps he can pony up some information on himself to even out the deal. I think I would be less than in love with the idea of being "protected" by some vampire dude i really just met.. so I would want to address that. For instance, why would Travis now become someone who needed protection? Wasn't he just "collateral" in the whole vampy fight scene? If not, why would he be an integral part of this thing? And, indeed, why is Lina seemingly threatened by Travis?
I think Travis should offer us some information explaining why the idea of vampires doesn't freak him out, why the whole glowy knife thing was something he seemed to easily accept, and why he doesn't mind breaking basic property laws.
(hate to say it, but this DP is a little unclear, at least to me. We're left at a VERY loose end here, instead of a more directed choice. I think if you keep leaving so many open ends, you're going to end up with a story that may feel a little directionless and messy in the plot department. Just my opinion, mind you.)
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Kalanna Rai
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| Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 9:32 pm Post subject: |
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Okay Kitty, you've got one thing confused. Travis is the Vampire, Greg is the guy that opened, intruded, and puked.
This Dp is open because I'm giving you an oppertunity to explore the character of Travis from Greg's point of view. And the knife isn't glowing, just reflecting light from the surface of the blade...it's a normal knife.
Sorry if everything is confusing, will sort itself out soon.
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Gallant
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| Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 5:53 am Post subject: |
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Get Greg to ask him the usual questions. How long has he been a vampire, what's it like, do you ever feel guilty and all that blah blah.
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| Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 6:30 am Post subject: |
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Ah ha! You're absolutely right, i totally reversed the names. Sorry about that! Sort of negates the validity of my comments when I can't even keep the character names straight, eh?
Ah. And a NORMAL knife. That I didn't initially get, particularly due to it's vamp-killing abilities.
Okay. I see what you mean with the DP. I like the idea of letting us explore the situation, I can see how that leads us in many different directions. All I'm saying is that I hope every DP isn't as open ended, or it's going to make it quite difficult for you to keep a cohesive plot. Some of us like to take things waaay out there!
So I guess what I suggest is:
I think Greg should offer us some information explaining why the idea of vampires doesn't freak him out, why the whole knife which kills vamps thing was something he seemed to easily accept, and why he doesn't mind breaking basic property laws. I would also be great if, as you say, he can prise more personal information and backstory out of Travis. [/b]
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Kalanna Rai
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| Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 9:34 pm Post subject: |
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Kitty, the knife isn't special in any way. The person weilding the knife however...
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| Posted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 10:04 pm Post subject: |
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Alrighty folks. I'm putting up the poll around this time tomorrow. So if you please, a few more suggestions?
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| Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 11:57 pm Post subject: |
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I can't believe you guys! Was i reading the same chapter as you all? Ok Rai, here's the things that slipped me up on this chappy:
| Rai wrote: | | His hair had that 'I just rolled out of bed' thing going on |
I would have just used the words 'bed-matted' or 'bed head' or something like that. Use the change if you want, but its not necessary.
---------------------------------------------
small one here that made me re-read
| Kalanna Rai wrote: | | For a moment nobody moved, nobody spoke, and neither Travis or the woman appeared to breath. |
i think it's supposed to be 'nor'
-----------------------------------------------
| K-Rizzle wrote: |
And now Travis smiled. |
This kind of broke me out of it as i thought it could have been fine without 'And now'
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| Kalanna Rai wrote: |
Greg followed Travis as the vampire walked down the hall |
This seems like there is a third person or thing in this sentence or that Travis has a different 'vampire' form. And is a tad redundant. we know he's a vampire, but if you wanted to reiterate it, it might be better rephrased. imho.
------------------------------------ end of crit ----------------------------------
all in all, i thought this chapter was not only easier to read but better with action, mystery and set-ups for pay offs. I do see that you are using a Greg point of view with this story. This is a smart move, one time i kept writing this story about an assassin, it never worked because if you are trying to tell a story about a bad-ass, it needs to be told through someone elses POV. Plus it makes it better for a reader to attach to someone in the story.
I didn't think Travis was gay, just followed a different set of ethics.
Everybody who doesn't know, when you're in shock, you'd be surprised at your reactions. I got hit by a car once. I tried to get right back up thinking i was ok, it felt like a bruise. I fell back down. I saw a trickle of blood on my pants quickly grow bigger, lifted the pant up to see my leg was split wide open, when i moved my toes i could see the tendons move. My reaction? "Hmmm, i thought it was a bruise. All over my new white pants, fu**!" To me Greg is acting just about right.
As for the other stuff, obviously it will come as it develops.
This is probably one of the best concepts for a vamp story i've read except for NightWatch, DayWatch and TwilightWatch.
As for what he will do, i think Travis will answer all the question floating around in Greg's mind about what just happened, and what is the world without Greg having to ask, really. The introduction into the new world so to speak. I do agree a little bit with Kitty about the DP's, they seem too vague, which is fine right now, i just hope that there will be more consequences in the next DP and all of the ones after. Something that will make us think hard about making. I think it will be a great SG then. Good chapter Rai, keep your snout up, you're doing a good job.
Sincerely,
SirWaxaLot
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Kalanna Rai
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| Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 10:31 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, a new poll. Have at it.
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| Posted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 5:44 am Post subject: |
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| I know we've established that Travis can read Greg's mind.. sort of anyway. I just like the idea of them having an actual conversation as opposed to a one-sided mind-answering blitz. Although that's a talent that could come in handy later. Wouldn't it be interesting if Greg had some kind of latent psychic ability?
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| Posted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 8:08 am Post subject: |
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| hey man, Rai.this Santo.Seeing your story the first time ahhhhhh dude.Its Great dude! Sweating Horror story dude.Okay then See ya some time while chatting.
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| Posted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 11:57 am Post subject: |
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What are 'the usual questions'?
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| Posted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 9:41 pm Post subject: |
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The usual questions....
How old are you? How did you become a vampire? How many more are there? Are other creatures of the night also real? All those questions that heroes in vampire stories always seem to end up asking. *grins*
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| Posted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 3:36 pm Post subject: |
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So what kind of questions are then going to floating around in TGreg's brain?
Just the "usual" stuff? Or, since we don't know that much about Greg.. what to HIM would be "usual"? I think he'd definately be curious as to how one stabs a vampire and kills it with a knife, as opposed to the regular stake (or porterhouse.. nyuk nyuk). Also, what's the deal with the Coffee House of the Undead?
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| Posted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 10:28 pm Post subject: |
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Excellent observation Kitty. You've no idea what questions will be floating in Greg's brain but look at it this way. You'll learn more about Greg through the types of questions floating around in there...hehehe...
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| Posted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 6:05 am Post subject: |
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| Ah ha! Good answer! Now I'm stoked to find out what happens! This story is really starting to suck me in! (vampire pun obviously intended. mwahhh.)
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| Posted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 2:29 am Post subject: |
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Alrighty then. It's time for a few questions to be answered and a few things to come to light. And D...right idea, wrong character. Enjoy!
-----------------------
Chapter Three: Travis
As soon as his stomach stopped doing flip-flops, Greg got to his feet and resumed scrubbing off the now dried blood. His sweatshirt was soaked with it, bringing a momentairy flash of fury. He'd really liked this shirt, it was from his senior year at Valdins High. And now it was ruined. He peeled it off disgustedly, swearing as he realized the white T-shirt under it was also stained with blood. Walking out into the hallway, bloody washcloth in one hand, ruined sweatshirt in the other, he looked around for the vampire.
"I'm in here." Travis's voice floated from further down the hall, prompting Greg to follow it. Sticking his head in the only open doorway to be seen, he was treated to the sight of Travis rummaging through a trunk at the end of a king-size bed. Greg's eyes took in the sight of the vampire, the first slivers of doubt worming their way into his skull.
Travis had an average frame, build like an althlete, a swimmer most likely. His streamlined legs were currently incased in a pair of heavy leather pants, tailored to fit semi-snugly, reinforced with steel plates at the knee. His upper body, currently bare, was decently defined though not overly so, with an emphasis on shoulders and arms. A few scars smatterd his tanned skin but didn't detract from the overall effect. Greg abscently wondered why he couldn't look like that, it would certainly make him more appealing socially.
"You could if you were born in my circumstances, were apprenticed in the same feild I was. Or if you'd just visit the gym, I hear you can get similar results. And I really could care less about who appriciates it, I stopped caring what others thought long, long ago."
Greg shivered. No, the guy hadn't really read his thoughts...had he?
Travis looked up from where he was snapping some thick steel buckles on one heavy duty boot. "I told you, I can't actually read your thoughts, just get the gist of what you're thinking. Like if a man's stomach rumbled, you'd think he was hungry. If he stared at your steak wistfully, you'd think he wanted your steak. I get the general idea, but not the actual thought."
"Still creepy. Please stay out of my head."
"I'm not in it. My mental powers are severly limited compared to most. I can hypnotize you or break you out of hypnosis, as I did earlier with Alexandra. I can calm you, make you feel at peace. And I can 'feel' the direction of your thoughts. That's it, that's all."
So he couldn't sheild himself from mental attack?
"Oh, that too." Travis said with a smile, snapping the buckles on the left book. "That's just a natural thing. I'm better protecting myself than anything else."
No kidding. Greg watched Travis's supple movements as the vampire extracted a dark shirt out of the open trunk at the foot of the bed. He pulled it on with a deft movement, smoothing the wrinkles and shaking the arms to make sure it was lined up correctly. It was slightly fitted, showing Travis's form to good advantage, and like the pants had curved steel plates at the elbows and straight ones along the forearms. Who wore those kind of clothes?
"Somebody interested in staying alive. Body armor of the modern age Greg. I started wearing this when your great, great, great, great, great grandfather was in diapers most likely. Sometime in the 18th century I believe. Although it was a different style, less mobility inclined."
Shit! How old was this bastard?
"I was born in 1755, early July although I'm not sure of the exact day. Record keeping then wasn't as up to snuff as it is now, especially when you're parents are not literate. I was twenty-two when I was Kissed, that was 1777...which means I'm turning 252." Travis's mouth quirked in a quick smile. "Not all that old as vampires go."
Greg leaned against the wall for support, his mind scrambling. This guy had to be bullshitting him. Two hundred and fifty-two Greg's ass. And wait, he'd seen the guy in sunlight! Weren't vampires supposed to fry in sunlight.
Travis sighed. "Vampirism is a disease. It's symptoms are well known for the most part, but they afflict each person differently. I know some vampires who cannot breath if you happen to be holding a clove of garlic, yet I know others that like it mixed with olive oil and slathered on toast. And speaking of toast, I know some vampires who can eat just like a normal human while the vast majority are damned to drink only blood for the rest of their time on Earth. Thus, I know many vampiers who cannot even waken during daylight...but I regularly run errands when the sun is up."
"Likely story." What. Did this guy expect Greg to believe he was a Daywalker?
"I hate that term. That's so overblown, a figment of some human's imagination. I get sunburns like you wouldn't believe and they hurt far worse than the ones I got when I was alive. I also get sea-sick, which never used to happen before the turn either. Running water and I get along for the most part. But the swifter it gets and the deeper it gets, the more it disagrees with me."
Travis had just strapped on a pair of fingerless gloves, the knuckles capped with studs. He now turned back into the chest and pulled out a duster that looked like an escapee from a gothic's version of a western. Again, reinforced with steel along the forearms and elbows, a little bit stiffening the collar, and weighing down the hem. Massive buckles like those on his boots snapped it shut from collarbones to crotch. The vampire raised a strange silver mirror, ruffling his hair and wrinkling his nose. What? Was he trying to look sexier?
Travis suddenly glanced down at himself. "This is hardly my idea of a sexy outfit, it's not exactly easy on or off. I'm just trying to get my hair to lie flat." Giving said hair a few more pats, he reached back into the trunk and pulled out a battered fedora that would have been right at home on the head of Indiana Jones. He sat it on his head lightly, then pulled the brim down over his eyes.
Definetly sexier. Greg had a thing for fedoras and this guy wore that hat like he'd modeled for the style. Hell, Travis wore the whole outfit with an air of confidence and style that most goths couldn't have pulled off in their dreams.
"I'm not a goth. These clothes may be what they wear, but they wear them for the wrong reasons. They wear them to show their disdain for normal life. I wear them to preserve mine. If somebody comes at me with a sword, I can use the plates on my arm to block. My boots are reinforced to protect my shins and my achilles. I can go down on my knees and not damage them. I can land on my elbows and not hit my funny bone, which still hurts just as badly as it did when I was human."
"So you're some kind of warrior?" Or hit man.
Travis favored him with a very chill smile, one eerily inhuman despite the abscence of fangs. Come to think of it, he'd never seen Travis's fangs.
"And if you're lucky you never will. I'm not some newly Kissed idiot to go about flashing fang at every little thing. That's rather crass where I come from. Besides," Travis said, standing gracefully "a true predator doesn't unsheath it's claws until it's time to kill."
That said he withdrew two bundles, one large and long, one small and squre, from the trunk. He bumped the lid with his hand, causing it to bang shut, before undoing the string that held the packages together. The large and long one unrolled to reveal several slender daggers of antiquated design. These he slid through the little loops on the legs of his leather pants, making sure the daggers were snug yet easily withdrawn. The second package, revealed a necklace of some sort.
The chain was slender, delicate, and silver looking. It ended in a pendant featuring massive milky-white moonstone, diamond shaped and large as an egg. Travis held it in the flat of his palm for a moment, picking up the strange mirror and holding it over the top of the gem. A cone of light circled up from the jewel and when Travis took his hand away from the mirror, it hung in that cone of light for a moment. Then the cone vanished and the mirror with it.
Greg didn't even know what to make of it. He just stood there and watched numbly as Travis slipped the necklace over his head and made sure it hung hidden under his clothes. Then, suddenly, the vampire fixed Greg with a searing gaze. "You look like an appitizer at one of the Gatherings." A moment later, a shirt was being pressed into his hands. "Here, put this on. It should fit you."
Travis brushed past Greg and down the hall, leaving the shaking human alone in the bedroom. Slowly, he stripped off his bloody shirt and pulled on the one Travis gave him. The smell of Downy, Tide, and Bounce filled Greg's nostrils, along with the sharp smell of sandalwood. The shirt, which would probably have fit Travis flatteringly, was too loose on Greg. Emphasizing that he was a freaking bean pole without a muscle to his name.
He walked back down the hallway, nearly tripping over Travis's cat. The large, black animal glared at him for a moment, sitting aloofly just out of Greg's reach. Why did the vampire keep it?
"Because we get along well. I feed him, scratch his belly, and stroak his ears. In return, he curls up with me, purrs loudly, and does amusing cat antics. Don't you Odysseus?" The black cat walked over and rubbed it's head affectionately against Travis's fingers. From Greg's vantage, he could see the hilts of the asian swords from where they were clipped to Travis's belt.
"Man, you really are armed to the teeth arn't you."
Travis gave him a droll look. "That was a terrible pun Greg."
Thinking about it for a moment, Greg realized that he had indeed made a rather lame joke. "Sorry," he said weakly. "I'm not used to dealing with vampires." He looked away, realizing no matter what he said he was going to sound like an idiot. "So...you were around in 1777. Saw the Revolution and all that eh?"
"Fought in it as a matter of fact. I was dying on a battlefield when my Maker found me. I was one of the men defending the guns at the Battle of Brandywine." Travis's jaw twitched. "The Redcoats hit us like a hammer against the forge. And trust me, being a former ferriers apprentice, I know exactly the kind of force involved in something like that. We kept falling back, hoping for help, but..." Travis shook his head. "What's done is done."
Aw hell, just when I was getting somewhere...
Travis chuckled, looking around as if making sure nothing was forgotten. "You've gotten more out of me than anyone in about ten years."
"Well, it only makes sense to know more about the...vampire who's protecting you." Greg backed up a step as Travis hissed lightly.
"Let's get one thing straight. You are not under my protection. You are collateral, a human who knows about our world. Potententially you are the greatest trigger for distruction vampires have ever known. I denied them the right to kill you, to feed from you, to Kiss you, because it made them uncomfortable. And I was rather enjoying watching Isabelle be uncomfortable. You mean nothing to me Greg, let's get that straight, here and now."
Following at a slight distance, Greg didn't know why Travis's words stung just a bit more than usual. Could he be...no. Absolutely not. He wasn't going to do that again. Besides, if everything about vampires was a lie, their link between sex and feeding had to be as well.
"Actually that's generally true. We like our blood one of two ways, hot and cold. Cold means the vampire likes their blood tinged with fear, with those icey chills that run down your spine. Hot blood...well that explains itself. Also, we are what we eat. All blood holds memories, all the memories a person has ever experianced. When we draw their blood into us, we draw those memories in as well. Some vampires don't mind, taking it as it comes. I, myself, am a picky eater. There are certain...qualities I look for in a meal."
Greg snorted. Yeah, must be attractive, young, and virgin.
"Actually no, although I take the last one when I can get it. Mostly I like artists. Their creativity often gets me through my own moments of Block, helps me see things in new ways I might never have. I dislike going to galleries and museums to see art, I'd much rather just have someone over for dinner."
Greg chuckled. "Now who's making the bad puns." Artists eh? Well did musicians count? What was he thinking! Travis didn't strike him as one of those 'cold blooded' eaters but there was always a chance...
"Lukewarm. I'll take my meals without any garnish. Emotional stress only leads to situations I've grown weary of dealing with. I've found just hypnotizing a pliant person will get me my food with minimal involvement." Before Greg could even discern the train of his own thoughts, Travis pinned him with a single hand by the throat. "Let me make something abundantly clear. I'm not looking for anyone and even if I were, I've been sure of my orientation since I realized there was a difference between men and women. Now, let's get out of here before anyone else shows up."
Opening the door, Travis waited for Greg to go through before closing it and locking it behind him. Walking down the stairs, Greg was feeling as though he still didn't have all the answers he wanted. The vampire, though, didn't seem inclined to talk any more and Greg wondered if he'd blown his shot.
It was dark outside the building, and as soon as they stepped beyond the dim glow of the building's lights, Travis seemed to come alive. His step had more bounce, his eyes were unnaturally bright, and he seemed overly alert to the slightest sound. It was probably this that saved their life as, without warning, Travis stopped dead in his tracks, a smile on his amazing features.
"Come out, come out, whoever you are..."
---------------------------------
Who is waiting in the shadows for them? Friend? Foe? Or just somebody in the wrong place at the wrong time?
-------------------------
Okay, a little more about Travis and a little more about Greg. Still tenative though, more is likely to unfold as time goes by. Now, for the DP, what could possibly be in the shadows?
_________________
"It's not just about living forever...the trick is living with yourself forever..."
"Music makes you braver."
Last edited by Kalanna Rai on Tue Apr 01, 2008 8:30 pm; edited 1 time in total
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scissorkitty
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| Posted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 10:14 am Post subject: |
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| I think it's Lina, the girl from the cafe who has the hots for Travis. She's still pissed about Greg making the delivery, and now that he's incredibly late for his first shift, she's come under the guise of "caring" to gloat about him getting canned, and also to make sure he didn't get what she's been after.
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