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PostPosted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 7:00 am    Post subject: The Orb- New Chapter 5 up!!! Readreadread! Reply with quote

So, as some of you will notice, this is my first SG. Any and all comments/criticism is greatly appreciated.
Thanks, and enjoy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Prologue

The Sightseer stood from her chair and walked over to her bedside table. Laying on the are worn surface were two objects. One was an old, leather bound book with yellowed pages. The other rested on top of a circular pedestal in the shape of a dragon curled around its endless treasure. The object atop the stand was concealed by an emerald green veil. The Sightseer knew that underneath it was a ball, or more aptly named, an orb. It was filled with bluish gray mist, seemingly swirling of its own free will, and occasional sparkles, almost like stars. Infused in the ball was her soul. She prepared to pull the veil off for what she knew would be the last time. It was part of the curse of becoming a Sightseer- when you gave your soul to the orb, you immediately knew the time when you had to die. She had known for over thirty years the exact time when she was going to die… a time that was fast approaching.

The Sightseer removed the veil from the orb for the last time, peering deep into its cloudy interior. Sitting down, she placed her hands on either side of it, gently picking it up from its stand. She closed her eyes and allowed her consciousness to leave her body and delve into the orb, surrounding itself with the mist of time. The mist grew thicker and the sparkles became more frequent. One in particular was bright and repetitious, and she focused on it. Its flashes came faster and brighter until it grew into a single, consistent, blinding light. This light grew until it filled the orb entirely with a pinprick of color in the center: a window to another time.

The scene inside the window was nothing but color until she focused on it, forcing the image to become clearer. A girl, nearly a woman with waist-length, jet-black hair gently stirring in the wind. A sheath was strapped to her side, the sword it normally carried stuck in the ground, buried half way. The sword radiated a keen menace, a desperation to murder, so powerful even the Sightseer could feel it, ages between them. The girl was bent over, holding something in her hands. The Sightseer couldn’t make out what it was: no matter how much she focused her will on it, the little patch of blurriness that was the object would not clear up.
She was distracted from the object when she noticed a shimmer next to the girl. It was nearly mist, but clearer… A phantom. In the shape of a female warrior, it was standing next to the girl,
spear in hand.

The girl suddenly straightened, holding what had been cradled in her arms straight up to the sky. It was an orb, the Sightseer realized, horrified. Thunder crashed, and lightning struck all around the girl, and the Sightseer could see the phantom shouting at the girl, trying to make her move or stop whatever she was doing. The girl did not seem to hear either; her eyes were transfixed upon the orb, gazing up at it in wonder, love, and almost… what was it? Fear? Before the Sightseer could interpret her expression, a bolt of lightning struck the orb, filling it with fire. But there was something wrong with the fire… it seemed to have an evil, wrongness about it.

The girl’s expression changed to surprise, and then terror as she saw what lay within it. She dropped the orb and it shattered against the stony ground. Black smoke laced with lightning enveloped the shards, growing until it nearly encompassed the entire scene. The phantom, still shouting, managed to get the girl out of her trance. She picked up her sword and fled, the phantom following close behind. The Sightseer frantically tried to remove herself from the vision, but an unseen force seemed to be holding her where she was. The smoke began to shape itself, twisting and turning. Slowly and eye began to form; a red, menacing, ghastly eye that seemed to be staring straight into the Sightseer’s own. It grew and grew until it surrounded her, with a stare sharp enough to scythe through steel. She felt like its gaze ripping through her mind when, with an enormous effort, she managed to wrench herself away from the vision and back into her own body.

Her eyes snapped open, and she collapsed into her chair, heart pounding. She sat there for what seemed like hours, the ball clutched against her chest, trying unsuccessfully to clear her head. All she could think of was the girl holding the ball, and the eye… the eye was an image she knew she would never forget.

When she had finally gotten a hold of herself, the Sightseer placed the orb back on the pedestal and sighed; a sound full of sorrow and pain.

“Spirits help you child,” she murmured. “Though you may not come for hundreds of years, you are going to need the help.”

She opened the leather bound book to the last page, picked up a quill pen and with a still shaking hand, wrote every detail of her last vision. When she was finished, she put down the pen and closed the book. She gently picked up the ball and cradled it to her chest one last time, savoring its weight. Then, raising it above her head, she threw it onto the ground with surprising force, smashing it into hundreds of little shards from which gray-blue mist erupted. Her eyes widened when the ball hit the ground, then closed as she collapsed next to the shards. The mist settled, a silvery dust, on top of her lifeless form. Lines of sorrow, etched so deeply into her silver skin, deepened, then eased.
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 7:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Cool! This rocks!*is seriously enjoying another seer story* I gotta admit, I was thrown off balance at first, ten it totally started coming toogether. You hadm a hook, and man- you totally sharpened it. I know one thing, I'm not gonna be able to walk away from this SG if I try.
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 8:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

yea its good. my only complaint is
Quote:
as she collapsed nest to the shards.
it should be next next to the shards

(i only noticed cos i always do that)

part from that brilliant!
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 8:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

YAY!!!!!

more comments to follow
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 9:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

great job hon!
only critique is that you switch tenses sometimes - from past to present.
maybe watch that?
other than that, it's great. Smile
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 10:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Great Prologue!

Can't wait to see what comes next in Chapter One!
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 11:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Fats_Masterson wrote:
Great Prologue!

Can't wait to see what comes next in Chapter One!


I can't wait either! It is very good! Keep on working!!!

P.S I am probably the most impatient person you will ever meet Laughing
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 1:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I rather liked this, though it needs a bit of tidying up here and there.

One point:

Just look at your first five paragraphs and how they start:

The Sightseer stood.

The Sightseer removed t.

The scene .

The girl suddenly... s.

The girl’s expression

All with 'the' and four of them with The (person). Try and vary this, and make sure your 'show' not 'tell'. I'm as guilty of doing this as anyone, so I know it's easy to slip. Just something to watch!

I look forward to seeing the first chapter. Just make sure you don't rush it!! Very Happy
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 8:23 am    Post subject: The Orb, Chapter 1!!!! Reply with quote

Chapter One

Mist. A sword of all colors. A smokey figure. Stars. A glowing orb. Lightning. Fire. Terror. Shouting. Smoke. Fear. An eye, piercing, hating. Running. Running. Fleeing. Falling…..

With a gasp, Aria jerked awake. She sat up in bed, heart pounding. That dream again… She lay back down with a groan.

That could only mean one thing; it was her birthday. She had dreamed that exact same dream the night before her birthday ever since she could remember. Only, exactly what it was, she could never say. She tried to remember it entirely, but the only thing she could still picture was the mist. A bluish-gray mist that surrounded her entirely, entrancing and beautiful, yet menacing at the same time. Everything else had faded away, only to be remembered when she dreamt it again. She knew from past experience that trying to go back to sleep was pointless, so, sighing, she pulled off the covers and rolled out of bed. The moon was streaming through the window at such a perfect angle that nearly everything was visible under a silvery light.

Rubbing her eyes, Aria walked over to the chair where the day’s outfit had been laid out the night before. A shirt and a cotton skirt. The skirt was one of her favorites; nice enough to please her parents, but easy to move around in and not so long as to trip her or prevent her from running or climbing trees. Yawning, she pulled the skirt on, quickly followed by the shirt.

After dressing, she sat back down on her bed. From the look of the sky, there were still two or three hours until daylight. Hmmm, what to do, what to do…. Aria thought. She could go out to the roof and sit there, watching the sunrise… but no, her parents had said that if she was caught up there again, she would have to do the dishes for a month, along with washing all the clothes.

The house.

Hmmm.

Now why had that thought popped into her head? The house was an old, once lived-in dwelling that was now falling apart. It lay deep in the forest, slightly hidden in a patch of trees. Aria had found it a couple of weeks ago while running away from the building full of chores that was deemed “home”. After exploring the ground level, she had completely forgotten about it in the thrashing she had received when she finally returned home. As far as Aria could tell, no one else had been there since the old owner left. The more she thought about it, the more it seemed like a good idea. There was a sense of familiarity she had when she was there, almost like a long forgotten song.

After deciding to go explore the house a bit more, Aria walked over to the dresser, the only other piece of furniture in the small room, and opened the top drawer. Pulling aside an assortment of skirts and pants, she came to a small wooden box hidden well beneath all the clothes. Aria had bought the box from the last troop of peddlers that had come through the village last spring. The box had caught her eye from among a variety of large, colorful and more interesting objects on the peddler’s wagon. She wasn’t quite sure why she had been drawn to it. There was something so, beautiful about the carving. A wolf, howling at the moon. When looking at it, Aria could almost feel the tensing in the wolf’s shoulders and legs as he let loose his mournful song… When she had pointed it out to the lad who was manning the cart, he had given the box a strange stare, almost as if he was shocked to see it there. Although surprised, he still managed to get Aria to pay an entire month’s allowance for it.

She picked up the box and placed it on top of the dresser. Inside was a half carved lump of wood, along with a dagger. Aria pulled out the dagger and turned it over in her hands. It was about the size of the kitchen knife her mother used to cut up elk. It was heavy, but a comforting weight. Yet another thing she had purchased from the peddlers, but a few seasons earlier. It came along with a sheath that was attached to a belt, which was lying in the box. Putting down the dagger, she picked up the sheath and strapped it on underneath her shirt. Sheathing the dagger, she then tucked her shirt back in, making sure the dagger was well hidden. The dream always made her edgy for the rest of the day, and she strangely felt better with the dagger close to her. Aria had no idea how to use it though, if the time came, but it soothed her nonetheless.

As she replaced the box under all the clothes and closed the drawer, her reflection in the mirror caught her eye. Her mirror was one of few, something she had received as a birthday present quite a few years ago, before her parents had seen her as “uncivilized”. Aria eyed her reflection critically. Her hair, long and jet-black, was in a tight braid that hung down to her waist. Her skin was uncharacteristically pale except where it was burned red. She burned rather than tanned, unlike her sisters who all tanned beautifully and gracefully. Her eyes… her eyes were also unique. Her siblings all had brown or black eyes; Aria’s were green with a small gold circle around each pupil.

“Yet another thing to be teased about,” she muttered, pulling her gaze away from her reflection. No one else liked exploring like she did, no one else, felt as relaxed as she did in the forest, no one else would even venture more than 10 feet into the forest. No, all her sisters were too delicate, and much more comfortable being left to their spinning wheels, or cooking, or washing clothes, or watching babies, or other menial chores like that. Aria’s weaving was atrocious, nothing but knots and tangles, her cooking left much to be desired, she could barely wash the dishes without breaking at least one, and she never could handle babies. Too much squirming and crying for her to handle. The only thing she was any good at was carving. Of course, the use of knives in that way was frowned upon in her family, so all her finished carvings were hidden under the loose floorboard under her bed.

Sighing once more, Aria grabbed her jacket off the chair and put it on; even though it was almost summer, the mornings were still brick enough to want an extra layer. Closing her bedroom door, she tiptoed down the hall past her sisters’ rooms and her parents’ room before quietly walking down the stairs. She took the spare lantern off of the hook next to the door, carefully inserting the tinder and flint into the little slot. The moon was bright enough to see by, but she wasn’t sure if the house had windows. Aria opened the door silently, walking out and closing it just as silently. Walking out behind the house and into the forest, she shivered, pulling her coat closer around her.

As she walked into the forest, she immediately felt warmer. The trees always seemed to have that affect on her, warming and comforting. She continued walking towards the house, the moonlight guiding her way. All of a sudden, a noise, like a huge, low drum beating, sounded behind her. She froze, hoping whatever was there was not after her. More noises, coming closer. They sounded like footsteps, only very low and throbbing through the entire forest. They were definitely not a human’s; they certainly were nothing she had ever heard. They didn’t even seem to be of this world. Aria slowly untucked her shirt, reaching for the dagger.


Ok, so this is the DP. What is the thing making the footsteps? A spirit? Dragon? A warrior with a drum? Some sort of mystical creature?
Thanks, and once again, all criticism is appreciated.

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Last edited by Phantomfan on Tue Jun 10, 2008 5:56 pm; edited 2 times in total
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 9:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

UNICORN!!!!!!!!

or manticora.

Or some other hoofed mythical beast.

Or we could make it the Army, coming to stop invaders. Perhaps the Elite Forces, who take both men and women. And are looking for recruits. That might be a good way to start things.
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 11:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A pegasus leaves the foot prints and it stays and fights and it is really powerful.
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 11:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The phantom spirit, maybe of the sear
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 12:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Because it seems that a poll would be to confusing with "what is it and what should she do", I'm changing the DP to only what is the creature (if it is one).
Thanks, and more comments are always appreciated!!
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 1:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh. My. God. This story rocks! I do think you could be more discriptive. I got how her hair and eyes look, and even her skin, but what else? Is she tall, skinny, fat, lean , short? Well endowed? Flat chested? Also, what does the knife look like? The box? Even the half carved block of wood. The story rocks, but it cold seriously be improved with more discriptions. I understand that some people wat to discripb things later on though, I do that too. Still, discribt more. Put us there.

As for the DP, I'm thinking. . . .some mythical thing you make up. Maybe a mix of other mythical things, but make it orginal, enevr seen before in any books! Laughing AKA, I have no idea, make somethng up.
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 5:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Phan wrote:
...the last troop of peddlers that had came...


come

---------------

As to the DP: Maybe it's a griffin? Lame, I know. I'll come up with something better later.

EDIT: Or, a purple, winged creature that resembles a human with large, butterfly-like wings and talons on its hands and feet. It came for prey, and Aria seems to make the perfect appetizer.

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 7:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
I understand that some people wat to discripb things later on though, I do that too. Still, discribt more. Put us there.


Thanks Noni, I'll be sure to do that.

So there are a lot of very different suggestions so far... any more?
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 8:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I enjoyed this first chapter Phan! The style was much improved!

The creature? Tough one. My imagination is failing me atm. Er, how about a really small humanoid which makes very big sounds? Confused

I'll get back to you...
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 9:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

i agree that its great.

to me (for some reason) the creature should be a wulfen, (not a werwolf but similar the difference is that they don't change from man to wolf but stay as hairy man wolf 24/7 also they are less psychotic.
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 4:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Arg! Please don't make it a werewolf or vampire! Nothing* will stop me reading faster than a Ww or V story. They are severely overdone.


*Well, bad writing maybe.
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 6:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok. So werewolves and vampires excluded, the list so far is;
small humanoid that makes loud noises
Griffen
purple, winged creature that resembles a human with large, butterfly-like wings and talons on its hands and feet. It has yet to be named.
Some other made up mythical creature
Phantom Spirit
Pegasus
Unicorn
Manticora
Army looking for recruits

Any wanted taken off the list or put on?
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 11:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alright, the poll is up!
Come vote!!!
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 8:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*eyes the three way tie viciously*
Alright, so I need someone to break the tie.

Or else I would have to choose... And that would be hard.

Thanks!
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 4:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alright, poll is closed.
Here are the results;

What is the creature approaching Aria?

Quote:
Small Humanoid that makes loud noises 12% [ 1 ]
Phantom spirit 0% [ 0 ]
Pegasus/unicorn 0% [ 0 ]
Manticora 0% [ 0 ]
A Griffen 25% [ 2 ]
purple, winged creature that resembles a human with large, butterfly-like wings and talons on its hands and feet. It has yet to be named. 37% [ 3 ]
A different made up mythical creature. 0% [ 0 ]
The Army, looking for recruits 25% [ 2 ]


Thanks to all who voted.
Next chapter will hopefully be up soon!!!
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 7:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

No army?

Why did people vote for the fairy thing?

Sad
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 3:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Chapter 2

The low pounding sounds stopped. Aria crouched, the dagger in her hand. A shadow seemed to cross the bright moon, so fast Aria wasn’t sure if she had simply blinked. She waited, still as a statue, heart pounding so loudly she was sure it could be heard from the village. After what seemed like an eternity of seeing and hearing nothing, she slowly stood back up and continued walking through the dense forest. She suddenly noticed that her hand was aching. Looking down at it, she realized that she was still clutching the dagger, and the vine of thorns carved into the pommel was digging into her palm. Aria loosened her grip slightly, but continued to hold it at the ready. Even though I may not know how to use it, she thought, it may possibly make any attackers hesitate, giving me the chance to run…

As she continued walking, she came upon a small clearing. Remembering that the house was only about ten minutes away from the clearing, she quickened her pace across it. Halfway across, another loud thump made her spin around, dagger in front. There, standing before her, was a huge…creature. In the moment before panic, Aria was able to make out the creature’s black wings, wings like a butterfly, and the large, serrated talons on each hand and foot. It was vaguely human shaped- if humans were as big as houses and had arms that reached their knees. Its eyes were bright maroon, with a slit for a pupil. Its mouth was very similar to a wolf’s muzzle, but when the creature snarled at Aria, rows upon rows of teeth were revealed. Teeth like that could cut down to the bone in one bite.

Aria screamed, turned and ran. She didn’t get very far; the creature behind her gave one flap of its wings and reappeared directly in front of her. Startled, she fell backwards dropping her dagger. The creature opened its mouth and let out a kind of gargling, choking noise that was, Aria realized horrified, a laugh. Reaching a long arm forward, it nearly slashed her throat out, forcing her to back away. Again it struck, as Aria frantically pushed herself backwards still feeling around for her dagger. It’s playing with me, she realized. Like a cat plays with a mouse before the killing blow. Oddly enough, instead of making her even more terrified, this thought made her angry.

The creature leered closer still making the gurgling sound, and struck with what was meant to be the killing blow. She desperately raised her left arm to ward off the blow. A talon slashed her arm in passing, ripping a gash just below her shoulder.

Pain. That was what filled Aria’s mind, mixing with the anger to create a kind of boiling fury. All she could think of was this blistering, searing rage, until it seemed as if it would burn her up from the inside out. Agony, heat… A jolt went through her body, and she dimly realized that she had backed into a tree. Her right hand, still unconsciously scrambling about on the ground trying to push her out of harms way fell upon cool metal; the hilt of her dagger. Anger, fire… Barely aware of what she was doing, she raised the dagger until the point was aimed straight between the creatures glowing eyes. It seemed to stare at her in amusement, perhaps almost pity. Heat, pain, boiling, rage, fire, flame… Instinctively, she somehow… pushed the molten thoughts through her arm and into the dagger. The blade seemed to radiate with it’s own silvery light; a searing, excruciating light that pained the eyes of all who looked at it- including the creature. Its eyes widened and it made as if to step out of the possible line of fire when, with a scream of effort, Aria threw the dagger with such force that it pierced the creature directly between it’s eyes. A blinding light and a bellow from the creature were the last things Aria was aware of before lapsing into a calm, peaceful darkness.



Aria awoke in a daze. Her arm was throbbing dully… Must’ve slept on it funny, she thought. She lay there half awake and half asleep, meaningless thoughts meandering across her mind. She slowly realized that she was not in her bed, and instead lying is a pile of leaves with her back propped against a tree. She was in the forest. Why am I here? She wondered. Then, with a jolt, all her memories of the attack from the creature returned.

Aria sat up, then immediately fell back against the tree. The throbbing in her arm increased to an almost unbearable rate. Grimacing at the pain, she examined the wound. It wasn’t all that deep, just long. The bleeding had slowed, but her arm was still slick with the already drying blood. Clutching her arm, she slowly stood up, leaning against the tree to steady herself. As she stood, she saw a large shape on the ground… The creature! She froze, watching it intently. It continued to lay there, motionless. She hesitantly prodded it with her foot. Once it failed to jump up and bite her in half, she carefully looked it over, committing every detail to memory for later years.

Aside from its immensity, purple skin and gigantic arms and talons, it could almost be mistaken for an angel. In very dim light. Well, it had a human shape and wings large enough to be seen as one. Its arms were about half the size of herself, with serrated talons so dark a purple they were almost black the size of her head. Its wings were the same color, but they seemed to glisten in the moonlight.

A Kyrieky.

There is was again, that voice suggesting names in her head. But from what she had heard of Kyriekies, the hadn’t been seen since before the last sightseer, and that was hundreds of years ago. But how had it died? All Aria remembered was a bright flash of light, almost as bright as small sun. She bent closer to the creature, nearly choking at the foul smell it was emitting. It smelled, burnt. All of a sudden, Aria remembered her dagger. The dagger glowing with light and heat that she had somehow pushed… something into it, infusing it with a kind of power. Peering even closer at the creature… a Kyrieky, she saw the hilt of her dagger was standing straight out of its head, directly between its eyes. There was a line of silver that encircled the and plunged downwards like an arrow, directly in the middle of the creature’s body. Some sort of green smoke rising from the stripe was what was causing the horrible smell.

Trying not to breathe in too deeply, Aria bent over hesitantly to grab her dagger. The blade looked as if it was lodged pretty deeply into the head, but when she touched the hilt, it gave as little resistance as if she was picking it up off the ground. The dagger slid out as cleanly as it had been before it had struck. She straightened up and resheathed her dagger, stifling a moan as she moved her aching arm

She began to stumble away, thinking only of leaving the creature a long ways away. It wasn’t until she was back deep in the forest that she realized she had no idea where she was going. After a moment’s consideration, she decided to continue to the house. After all, there might be bandages there with which she could dress her wound so she could then return home. The village was too far away; she wasn’t sure if she could make it there without fainting.

Aria continued walking, biting back whimpers, until she came to a circle of trees and thorn bushes, looking almost like a fortress. It seemed impenetrable until one looked closely at the thorn bushes surrounding the tallest tree. When Aria had first discovered this ring of trees, she had been curious as to what lay within and had hacked her way through, forming a little tunnel through the brush. The entrance to the tunnel was hidden by a layer of leaves and branches she had placed it front of it; disguising it as part of the natural brush.

She pulled the layer back, revealing a tunnel small enough for an adolescent, but not big enough for an adult. The thorn bushes had grown since her last visit, but it was still usable. She bent down and began crawling through, grimacing as the thorns tore at her clothes, scratching her arms and face. Once through the short passage, she painfully got back to her feet.

Standing in front of her was the house. It was small, but elaborate. Instead of the usual light brown wood, it was built from a dark, reddish-black wood that, had it been new, would have reflected the moonlight and glowed with a kind of silvery sheen. There were carvings all over it, including around the door. The sands of time had worn away the details, and Aria couldn’t make them out. They seemed to be little people, almost fairies, peeping out of the carved forest that surrounded them. There were other things too. Creatures with wings, talons, horns, and even…. Aria squinted at one right above the doorway. Was that a… human ear? Ignoring it for the time being, she walked up to the door and pushed it. It creaked open on hinges long deprived of oil, revealing a dark, musty interior.

Aria stepped into the threshold carefully, letting her eyes adjust to the darkness. Once she could make out enough shapes to find her way without tripping over anything, she slowly walked into the house, leaving the door open behind her. After the incident with the Kyrieky, she didn’t want to be stuck in a place with no escape route if the door was jammed. Brushing aside cobwebs and dust, she came to a room that might, a long time ago, have been a kitchen. There was a small window high up on the wall. Inside was little more than a rotting old table and a stove. Above the stove was a shelf that once might have held fine china; all that was left now were cobwebs and a single wooden spoon. There were, however, stairs that led to the room or rooms above the kitchen. There might be some fabric up there with which to wrap her arm.

Walking over to the stairs, Aria wondered who had once lived here. Certainly no more then one person; the house wasn’t big enough to accommodate any more. But who would choose to live a solitary life like this out in the woods? As she walked past the table, she froze in her tracks. There came a vision almost, like a window to another time. She was sitting at the table, which was now polished and holding a bouquet of flowers. The room was bright with sunlight streaming through the small window. Then suddenly, the vision was gone, and she was back in her own time. Unsettled, she shook her head, attempting to clear her mind of these strange feelings.

She finally made it to the stairs and grasped the dust-covered banister with her good arm. As she stepped onto the first step, what seemed like centuries of dust erupted from the stair, billowing back down upon her, making her cough and choke. When the dust had resettled, she gingerly began climbing the stairs again, putting every foot very slowly through the dust. At last, she reached the top of the stairs. She stood there staring at the door that lay in front of her. She dimly noticed that the carvings in the door were
much more vicious and threatening then the ones outside.

Pushing the door open, she came upon a bedroom. Inside were a bed and a small bedside table. The bed sheets were too grimy to be used as a bandage, she observed. Aria sighed, then once again examined her arm, The bleeding had stopped, and the throbbing had lessened to a dull ache that was bearable. Just have to be careful not to break the scab, she thought, ad collapsed onto the bed. She idly surveyed the room from her perch, taking in the small table, the glass shards in one corner of the room and the small, plain trunk in the opposite corner. Curious, she got off the bed and slowly walked over to it. It wasn’t quite as simple as it had looked at first glance. The lock, for instance. Though rusted and stained, it didn’t seem to have any kind of keyhole. It was just a flat piece of metal. Reaching out a hand, she placed a finger on it. With a small click, the latch popped open. Eyeing the chest warily, she pushed open the heavy lid.

The first thing she noticed was a sheathed sword. Reaching inside carefully, she lifted it out and held it in her hands. The hilt of the sword was carved with an intricate array of flowers; almost identical to her dagger. But, she noticed, peering intently, whoever had decorated it had been sure to include thorns along with the flowers. Placed in the pommel was a small, glittering stone Aria recognized to be a fire opal. It was commonly used n crowns and said to be a sign of strength and power. She slowly pulled out the blade and gasped. This blade! It was exactly the same one as in her dream! A blade the color of Mother of Pearl; all colors at once, yet none at all. It seemed to glow in the light, fiery and wonderful. Dropping the sheath, she hefted the sword, instinctively falling into a defensive stance. She whirled around into stances she had never even done or even seen before, but somehow felt right, sword darting in and out of invisible attackers. It became a swirl of light, visible only to those who held it and those who came to near to the pointy end to allowed to leave unscathed. Laughing giddily, she stopped whirling about and simply stood there, holding the sword. It was like a long-forgotten friend, a happy reminder of times before… Aria frowned. Why did she feel this way? Nostalgic towards times she had never even heard of? Troubled, she hurriedly resheathed the sword and dropped it on the bed.

Then, something caught her eye. There was another object in the trunk … she leaned over and peered inside.

Ok, so, once again the dp is pretty obvious. What is the object inside the trunk? An orb? A dead body? You decide.
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 3:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

well since the title of this story is THE ORB.

I would go for an orb.

Or perhaps maybe some sort of bottle, which the Phantom is sealed in.

Either of those would advance the plot admirably.

Good writing.

Love the description of the sword.

P.S. Kyrieky?

brings to mind a certain dead crocodile hunter.

("CRIKEY!!!!!! A Kyrieky!!!")

lol
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 9:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Love the description of the sword.


Thanks, DMW. I actually enjoy writing about weapons- something that is pretty fun to do.
Quote:

P.S. Kyrieky?

brings to mind a certain dead crocodile hunter.

("CRIKEY!!!!!! A Kyrieky!!!")


...No. I was trying to add a kind of... religiousness almost, to it. (word Kyrie)

Thanks though.
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 5:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I thought all the descriptions were rich and vivid. At times the plot seems a little forced, particularly when it comes to getting Aria to the house in the woods. Just a tip, if you feel like you have to explicitly explain why the character does one thing instead of another, then it's probably because the action goes against your audience's logical expectations. So far, the story is very good and I can't wait to see how things develop, but please try to listen to your character more. She'll tell you where the plot needs to go, otherwise the audience may begin to feel like you're the antagonist in this story.
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 4:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
please try to listen to your character more. She'll tell you where the plot needs to go, otherwise the audience may begin to feel like you're the antagonist in this story.


Thanks Shyes.
As stated before, this is my first SG, but in truth, it is actually my first written story period.
So I realize that there are many things I can definitaly improve on, this being one of them.

Thanks!
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 11:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like it Phantomfan... Very vivid.. and you know me and weapons... *drools over sword* it's almost as bad as men... *shakes self* Anyway, this is really really good..

But as much as I love the description, you need to slow down with the plot a little bit...
okay?

DP: The talking head of the last sightseer.

I can't wait to see this in Fantasy! *giggles and flies off*
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 11:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

ok

DMW right we should get to orb, if that what this story is about


or maybe a note address to her, telling where the (a) orb is, that is if she wants to get it?
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 5:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
and you know me and weapons... *drools over sword*


Laf I'm glad you liked the sword, Lil. Hopefully the rest of the story can be like that.

Quote:
you need to slow down with the plot a little bit...okay?


Ok Lil. I will definitely try. Thanks.

Alright, about the DP. So far we have;
An Orb
Bottle holding the Phantom
Talking head of the Last sightseer
A note addressed to Aria, telling her where the orb is

Any more?
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 8:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

What about the leather bound book the seer was recording visions in during the prologue?
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 7:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for everyone's suggestions.

Poll is now up!
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 11:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The talking head is by far the best option here. Thusly voted.
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 6:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I still like my note note idea, but the book is better.

maybe the note either in the book, or part of the book
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 5:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alright all, poll is closed! Results are as follows;

What else is in the trunk?
An Orb
0% [ 0 ]
A Bottle holding the Phantom
28% [ 2 ]
Talking head of the last Sightseer
28% [ 2 ]
A note addressed to Aria telling her where the orb is
0% [ 0 ]
The old, leather bound book seen in the prologue
42% [ 3 ]


Total Votes : 7
Who Voted: Adalia, Chinaren, DeadManWalking, Fats_Masterson, NeverNeverGirl, SerriaFox, shy_blu_eyes

Thanks to everyone who voted.
I have a lot of work to do during the next few weeks, so I apologize in advance if the next chapter isn't up as quickly as hoped. But it will be up soon!
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 11:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Chapter 3

The only other object in the trunk, Aria noted, was a book. This wasn’t anything to worry about- she knew books. She had learned how to read from her grandmother; a temperamental old woman who had been intent on making her grandchildren ready for the world. She cautiously reached down into the dark interior and pulled out the book, the leather binding smooth in her hand. This book, however, was unlike any of the almanacs she had ever looked at; its worn cover decorated with silver feathers. As she looked closer, the feathers seemed to move, swirling in and out of strange and beautiful patterns. Startled, she blinked, and the feathers were back to their original positions, as if nothing had happened. Aria hastily placed the book on the floor and watched it warily, but when no other movements happened, she carefully picked it back up and opened to the first page.

It was covered in spidery handwriting that had faded slightly with age, but was still readable. Aria read the first page, then the next, then the one after. The only sounds in the room were her breathing, and the slow steady rhythm of the turning pages.

After what felt like centuries, a loose sheet of paper fell from between two pages and floated slowly to the floor. Slightly startled, she tore herself away from reading and gently closed the book. Her hand lingered on the binding, reluctant to part with the feeling of power that was contained inside the writing on the yellowed pages. This book… it was a Sightseer’s journal; a journal of memories. But not just memories of the past. Many of these entries were memories of the future, written exactly as the sightseer saw them. The sightseer who had owned this book must have been pretty powerful, Aria mused. Most sightseers who had existed long before could rarely predict anything that would happen in the next week, and the vision would normally be something small and trivial; such as the breaking of a vase, or the dropping of a plate. Most of these predictions, however, were now big, important parts of history; the assassination of the King and Queen, the betrayal and destruction of the Tion. It even contained a first hand prediction of the fight and killing of Lyron, the leader of the Tion and the most powerful sorceress and warrior ever.

Aria watched the sheet of paper finally complete its fall to the ground- only to explode into a fountain of light a second later. With a small shriek of surprise, Aria dove behind the bed,- reaching for her dagger. After a few minutes of waiting for an attack and receiving none, she peered over the dusty bedspread. Standing in the middle of the floor was… something that can only be described as a mist. A column of swirling, blue mist that glowed with its own light. As she continued watching it warily, it started to collapse upon itself and form into a vaguely human shape. It became more and more compact, though still slightly transparent. It was in the shape of a queen, wearing a golden circlet atop white hair, regal eyes closed... Aria blinked. No, it was a warrior, spear in hand and sword sheathed on her back. Now a prince… it went through a series of changes, shifting almost faster then she could perceive. It stopped changing for a second, halting on the shape of a… Kyrieky!

She screamed and jumped back, smacking into the wall. The Kyrieky… now a wolf, opened its eyes and leaped over the bed heading towards Aria. Seemingly in slow motion, the wolf shifted into a soldier, sword outstretched. It landed gracefully in front of her, blade an inch away from the unprotected skin of her neck, brown eyes flashing with anger.

“Who are you?” The thing demanded, in a voice like a choir shouting in unison. “What have you done with Esther?”

It continued changing form erratically, but the razor-sharp, surprisingly solid blade remained next to Aria’s neck. She opened her mouth, trying to say that she had no idea who Esther was, but fear turned her words into a pathetic squeak.

“Why were you reading her journal? Answer!” The blade was pushed closer to Aria’s neck, pressing into her skin.

Thoughts raced through her head. What was this thing? What did it mean by Esther’s journal? And most importantly… How in the world am I going to get out of this?


It's a bit short, I know. I apoligize for that- this summer has not been as relaxing as it looked like it would be in the beginning... So anyway, here'e the dp! How DOES Aria get out of this? Does she fight, talk with the phantom? You decide! [/i]
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 12:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

As always, beautiful descriptions. I especially loved the silver feathers on the book's cover.

As for the DP, tell the truth

"I found it."

If that doesn't get her killed, go back to the Kyrieky attack and explain the whole story...
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 3:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just to throw things off, i say that she breaks into a musical number detailing her journey.
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What to do?
Go find the uncle
40%
 40%  [ 2 ]
Talk to Myrrir
20%
 20%  [ 1 ]
Read the journal for other possible options
40%
 40%  [ 2 ]
Total Votes : 5
Who Voted: Adalia, BlackAmaranth, Crunchyfrog, DeadManWalking, Scheherazade

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