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someonelikeyou
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 Posted: Thu Sep 11, 2008 5:28 pm Post subject: Please critique me... |
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"What do you think of this one?" Emerald said. "Does it make me look fat?" She twirled around as she strutted out of the dressing room, and modeled her baby blue dress that was one of seven options for homecoming.
I laughed. "It looks good, Em."
"You've said that about the last four dress that I've tried on," She said. "I need to know what you really think, if I go to homecoming and I look horrible in a dress that you told me looked great, I will kill you!"
I turned into a shoe isle and selected a pair of black heals. "Try these," I said as I looked at a red colored dress and held it up to her, along with the shoes. "With this."
She took them and went back into the dressing room, just as her phone, which was in the purse that I was holding for her, vibrated. I took it out and looked at the caller ID, it was her dad.
"Em, your dad is trying to call you." I slipped the phone under the dressing room door and heard her answer it. And suddenly, her voice went from excited about the dress, to concerned about whatever the person on the other line was telling her. I decided I shouldn't eavesdrop and turned to look at a black top that I knew I couldn't afford.
Emerald came out of the dressing room in her normal clothes and overflowing with tears. She handed me the dress, the shoes and her mom's credit card, as she wandered her way to the restroom. I assumed that she wanted me to pay for her stuff, so I went toward the cash register, while keeping my eyes on her.
After I payed for the outfit, I went to the parking lot, where I waited in my shiny, black, car.
I put her stuff in the back seat, and chewed on a piece of gum. After what seemed like a century, Emerald wandered out of the mall door. She looked very frusterated...Or was it anger? It was so hard to read her emotions with the distraction of her puffy red eyes. She was trying to find the car.
I got out and waved at her untill she saw me and wandered her way to the car.
She got in the passenger side, and sniffled.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"Nothing, let's go," She snapped, her voice quivering. "Please, drop me off at the hospital."
I started the car. I drover silently to the hospital. When we pulled into the parking lot, she didn't get out. Instead, she turned to the window. She burst into tears.
"Oh, Em, what's wrong?" When she didn't answer, I pulled her closer to me and hugged her. She needed it.
After about ten minutes, she calmed down, and the tears stopped. "My mom's in there." I followed her empty gaze to the main door of the hospital. "She had a car accident, and my dad says she doesn't look very good."
"She'll be okay, don't worry." I comforted her.
"I guess... See ya' later..." She got out, forgetting her purse and bags from the mall.
Eh, just let her forget. I drove home, and took all of the things we got, up to my completly white bedroom. I flopped own on the bed, after throwing my cell phone on the pillow. I decided to just wait for her to call me and let me know what happened...
"Knock, knock." I heard my mom's voice from behind me.
"Hey, mom." I mumbled. I told her about Em and her mom.
"That's terrible, if she calls tell her that I hope her mom's ok," she sighed. "Well, I better get to work... I'll see you tomorrow." My mom went to work a couple hours after I got home from school, then worked to midnight, we hardly ever saw eachother except for Sundays.
I told her goodbye and listened to her almost silent little footsteps as she hurried down the stairs, out the door, and to the driveway.
I listened as she started the jeep, which she had had for five years, and would never sell unless she couldn't drive it anymore.
I just layed there, for ours it seemed. I don't even know why. You'd think it was because I felt bad for Em, but it wasn't. Her problem didn't seem like such a big deal... My mom had had her share of car accidents. Instead, my mind wandered to my father... When Em was speaking to her father on the phone, I know it was a stupid thought, but I wondered what it was like to have a father.
I groaned, got up, and turned on my old, but still working, computer. I went to check my e-mail, I had twenty-six messages. I sighed, and started deleting all the junk, which was the majority of it all.
There was a message from Tina, Em's friend, I harldy knew her, we went to a movie with her once, she was really not the kind of person I would pick for a friend... And she gave out a little mroe information than I needed to know... Or was I required to know all the names of boys she'd made out with? She was just... How can I put this? DISGUSTING. And did I have to know it in full detail?
The message said ' Hey! Did you already hear about Em's mom? It's so sad' I was a little irritated, of course I knew, I was wist Emerald when she found out! ' Yeah... Do you know exactly how it happened? ' I pressed 'send'. And immediately turned of the computer. There was another three messages from her, and I had had enough.
Just then, right on time, the doorbell rang.
I skipped down the stairs, and opened the door. It was Brice, my best friend all through school. We always had classes together. The same age as me, and in the same grade, he lived across the street and we hung out all the time.
This was the first time he had actually rang the doorbell. He usually just stepped right in and helped himself to anything he wanted to do or eat.
"Hey!" I greeted him, as he pulled me into a tense hug. He walked around me, and I followed him into the kitchen, where he sat on a stool and just spun around, quietly, he hadn't even said a word, yet. Where was the jabber-box Brice?
I sat on the stool next to him, as his deep voice filled the sempty silence.
"Did you hear about Em's mom?" I swore, that moment, that I was about to blow up.
"Yes, I was with her, when her dad informed her of the news!" I said.
He frowned at me. "Umm.. She called me like, five seconds after she found out, Sar."
Just then I heard my phone playing a faint ringtone, upstairs. I ran up the stairs, Brice behind me. I sat on the bed as he flopped next to me. It was Em.
"My mom..." Her voice was quivering again. "My mom's... Dead, Saren, She's dead!"
It must have been a more serious car accident than I had thought...she was dead?
"Em, do you want me to come get you?" I guessed she was home by now.
"No, I'm helping my dad with the funeral plans..." Her voice trailed off, and I heard her sobbs again.
"I love you, Em." I hung up.
I turned to Brice. He didn't seem as suprised as I was.
"Oh." I realizes that Em knew this all along and hadn't told me.
"Yeah..."
Well, that made me feel special. Why should I have cared? I should be worried about her and her family right now... It was horrible of the to ignore that, and be as selfish as I was. But, I couldn't help but feel a little jealous of... Tina. I realizes that that was what she was talking about in the e-mail. This made me so mad! I had known Em the longest! We had been friends since we could remember, our mothers were friends in high school, both becoming teen parents and having to drop out, never getting their diplomas. When they had us, I was two months younger than her, they started bringing us to eachother's houses' for play dates. Then, when Brice moved to town, when we were five, he joined the group. Our mothers' grew apart, but we were always friends.
She introduced me to Tina, about six months earlier. That was a week after she met Tina. So... She hadn't even known Tina for a year. Hardly half!
"Sar?" Brice's deep voice interupted my thoughts.
I turned to him.
He reached for my hand. "It'll be okay."
He thought I was worried about Emerald. I snorted. I wished I could have been worrying for her.
"What?"
"Nothing." I said. And I hugged him.
An hour later Brice left. We had been just doing the usual. Video games, candy, and soda.
Again, I slumped down on my bed and just, pitied myself.
I groaned. And started to softly cry. I threw on some pajama pants, leaving the same shirt on. I went down the stairs, grabbed my car keys, and opened the door. Where Brice was standing, his back to me.
"Brice?"
He didn't turn. "I.... left my phone."
"Alright, I'll go get it... Why didn't you come in? Or at least...knock or something?"
He shrugged. I hunted for his phone, he turned to me and I threw it to him.
Then his eyes almost popped out of his head. "Are you okay?!"
He pushed me back inside and closed the door. I must have looked horrible. With my hair all messed up, my cheeks stained with mascara, because of my crying, and for the same reason, my eyes were red.
He dragged me to the couch and pulled me into his lap. "Do you wanna talk about it?"
Please Critique me
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shy_blu_eyes
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| Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 5:44 am Post subject: |
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Welcome to IF someone.
Having said that, there was some spelling errors I noticed, heals for heels, ours for hours, and some other I can't recall right now. You may want to just read through it one more time for spelling, it was all instances of a word misspelled as another word so don't just rely on Spellcheck to catch everything.
I hope this helps.
Post EDITED by Wax for content
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NeverNeverGirl
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Joined: 18 Jun 2007
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| Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 1:09 pm Post subject: |
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A few tips first up 
Get your formatting sorted out.. a new subject a new paragraph - due to the formatting on this site its best to drop them down a line or two..
then with each new line of speech drop it down a line again.. makes it easier to follow what is speaking and what isn't -- especially helpful if for some reason we forget to add " " .
In order to get some ppl to read your work you should read the works of others - its not a rule but most ppl are more likely to check your stuff out if you reply to their threads
Are you planning on this being a linear story or a SG? Because If you want it as an SG you can just post it in the New SG section and it will still get crtiqued as well as having ppl play. Perhaps more so than linear which hasn't really hit its stride with IF.
If you have any other questions (or after you have adjusted your formating) please let me know!
Ne. 
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TruePurple
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| Posted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 9:58 pm Post subject: |
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Yeah, IMHO there should be a completely empty space between each paragraph. At least the major ones. It helps prevent the text from becoming a wall of words. Makes it easier to read.
How does it make it easier to read? My theory is the spaces act like landmarks. Allowing your eyes to keep track of where they have been and where they are now. As well as making it easier to keep the information filed into indivdual units in our mind when such is done in print as well.
Just like writingwithoutspacesmakesithardtoreadsomething. Such is probably the same thing as paragraph spacing, just a different level.
I personally space paragraphs for one scene or train of thought, give or take. Which means some can be a bit long while others may be very short. What I've seen others do is space by a standard amount give or take, making paragraphing for scene or what not more of a secondary consideration. How every you choose do do it, IMHO it should be done and regularly.
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