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Chinaren
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 Posted: Fri Jan 23, 2009 3:13 am Post subject: Walk in the Dark. 10 - Out of the Frying Pan. |
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As Blasphemy is done, and I'm stuck in a small, very very cold town in the north of China for two weeks with nothing to do but surf and drink, I'd thought I'd start another short.
Though I'm not writing this as a SGame on IF, I'll post it here as linear.
Presenting...
Warning!
Bad language and stuff likely in this story. You should know by now.
Last edited by Chinaren on Wed Oct 14, 2009 5:27 am; edited 9 times in total
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Sun Jan 25, 2009 4:58 am Post subject: Part 1. |
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Removed due to copyright concerns.
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Last edited by Chinaren on Fri May 27, 2011 4:32 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Midnight
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| Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2009 12:42 am Post subject: |
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Nicely done, I felt like I was right there with him. Wonder what he saw to make him shit himself. lol
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I would not exist if it twas day, so therefore I do not wish for light.
I want the dark, I want the night.
For my name is MIDNIGHT!
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D-Lotus
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| Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2009 4:54 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | country lane that, eventually, led back to his excuse for a flat was all but deserted. |
You don't need those commas there, I don't think.
As for the cliff-hanger... I'm not a big fan of them.
Oh well, at least it was intriguing. Not much to evaluate on yet, but I'll keep reading and see. By the way, doesn't this fellow have a cell phone he can use to call his buddy to ask for a ride home? Maybe you should account for that in the story, although it's not essential.
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 Chapter 5: The Rendezvous 
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Chinaren
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Chinaren
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Chinaren
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scissorkitty
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| Posted: Sat Mar 21, 2009 5:03 am Post subject: |
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OO! GHOST STORY, GHOST STORY!!!
*giddy clapping of hands* 
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......back and forth.....
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Mon May 04, 2009 3:42 am Post subject: Walk in the Dark - Basement. |
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Removed due to copyright concerns.
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Last edited by Chinaren on Fri May 27, 2011 4:32 pm; edited 1 time in total
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FatHairyApe
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| Posted: Wed May 06, 2009 4:13 pm Post subject: |
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I enjoy  I am glad to read more of your stuff, haha. Well done! Glad to be back and read your work! Wohoo!!
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Chinaren
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Chinaren
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Sun May 31, 2009 11:41 am Post subject: |
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Just a couple of things there that don't scan well
| Quote: | | Shaking his head and trying to step on stones and firmer earth to avoid sinking into the earth |
Repetition here. Could you use 'mud' rather than the second 'earth'?
| Quote: | | The waft of air cold air that blew out made him gag. It brought with it the odor wet earth and rot. Inside was almost totally dark, the windows covered with the dirt of ages of neglect didn’t allow light entry. |
Either say 'Air, cold air' or just 'cold air'. You need to say 'odor of wet earth' too (and I'd prefer it if you spelt odour correctly too  ). The last sentence really didn't scan - you need to reword it or put some more punctuation in so it's the windows and not the neglect that's not allowing the light entry.
Other than those minor errors this is a good read. Are there going to be lots more deaths?
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Sun May 31, 2009 8:00 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for those Whitey, I'll take a look. The air one was a typo rather than something that was supposed to be for effect.
And yes, more death is quite likely. 
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Chinaren
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Mon Jul 27, 2009 7:20 am Post subject: |
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Well, that's... morbid.
I'm finding this one a little darker and less humourous than your standard far. Don't know why that is, and I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but it may restrict me to comment on the morbidity of each chapter rather than jokes I liked and so forth. And you rarely make errors, so I can't comment on those either.
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Mon Jul 27, 2009 7:24 pm Post subject: |
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Well this one isn't really a humor one, so that's probably why there's less funnies. That said, there could be a drop or two of black comedy in here and there.
I'm aiming for horror rather than humor!
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Tue Aug 11, 2009 7:44 am Post subject: |
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| He finds the mother of all spawns waving her wings and having an disgusted look on her face, she attacks him. :/ Or she sais he is seeing them as deamons when their actually are human. Which is weird I know.
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Tue Aug 11, 2009 4:28 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Crady. This is only linear on IF. You know where to go for the interactive version.
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| Posted: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:44 pm Post subject: |
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| Damn, I thought you could just add it to the linear of ideas anyway interactive area here I come... I'm just going to see where the story is then and post the same up.
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Chinaren
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Chinaren
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Wed Oct 14, 2009 5:29 am Post subject: |
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{removed}
Last edited by Chinaren on Mon Jul 19, 2010 5:56 am; edited 1 time in total
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Fri Oct 30, 2009 5:21 am Post subject: |
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Yeah, so this story has now been completed.
If you wish to read the full thing, then please go here.
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