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Bronze
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 Posted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 12:43 pm Post subject: Malevolent Bite... Chapter 2 is up! |
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Malevolent Bite
I grabbed my bag, quickly stuffing in my steak sandwich before heading out the door. I walked down the street, checking my watch to see how long I had before my first day started. My first day at Challis, a small town in Idaho. The locals had all taken an avid interest to who had moved into the Kirkpatrick’s old house. I’d tried to avoid them as much as possible. I wasn’t one for gossip. Never had been, never would be. But living in a small town, all the people had was gossip. And I was really not wanting to be one of their new topics of discussion.
I turned into the street where my new school was, Challis Senior High School. It had a redwood kind of style exterior, and a massive sign “Go Vikings!” plastered to the front of it. I could hear the laughter and happy buzz of the teenagers as they all met up with their friends for the start of term. I pulled up my hood over my pristine hair, trying to avoid the stares I’d get. I noticed I got one or two looks, mostly due to my outlandish appearance.
I never described how I look did I? Brown, everything about me was brown. I had brown eyes, brown hair and the colour I suited most was brown. I’d got blonde highlights in my fringe to try and liven things up a little, and I used copious amounts of hair gel to get the rest of my hair to stand up in spikes. I had a sort of emo/indie style going on. And that, did not fit in at Challis High, where the whole 224 students that attend it all looked either like a jock or a farmer. I stuck out like a sore thumb. I had my skinny jeans on that day, and my grey hoody too. I wasn’t naturally good looking, my face was pretty narrow, I was really thin and not that tall, only 5 foot 10, and I had the habit of squinting a lot. I needed glasses but knew I’d look even worse with them so I ignored this fact. My muscles were pathetic at best, with me having an abhorrent dislike of anything physical. Give me a CD and a good book any day. All that testosterone filled man love kinda thing wasn’t my style, or teamwork as I saw myself as an individual and most people got on my nerves. Especially girls, nice to look at but they never shut up! I wasn’t a good conversationalist, hated the repetitive openers and the sequences. Bored me.
Anyway, back to my first day. I slouched into the office, pulling out the piece of paper my aunt had given me. It had her permission that the school take whatever action was necessary for me. Basically, she didn’t want paperwork about me sent to her high flying law firm, so she would let the school handle any major decisions. I wasn’t too bothered about that, my aunt and me never got on, hence why she bought a crummy house in hickville USA and shipped me off. She’d pay for the bills and gave me an allowance. Great parenting there…
The office lady looked like a giant toad, and my distaste at her appearance didn’t seem to go down well. I had to hide my feelings better. She gave me my class list and a map, though the school was so small I saw no point why I would need a map. I scooted out as fast as I could, not wanting to look at the toad face any longer than I needed too. I decided that a ten minute hair styling break in the toilet would be a good idea before class. I jumped into the nearest toilet and lovingly crafted my hair. I was pretty proud of my hair, I admit it. I would just say I got lost or I got held up at the office, the teacher would believe that. I had history first, a subject that bored me to no end. The American Civil War for example, fighting over slaves yet blacks didn’t have equal laws until 1965 or some crap like that. Pointless killing, and I had to learn about it. I found the class and strolled into the class, which was a bad move, because I really should have apologised first before going for a chair. But we live and learn.
“Excuse me, what time do you call this?” asked an irritated female voice. She sounded young, and young teachers always tried to stamp their authority on a class early. They can’t show weakness, or they would fall prey to the devilish ploys of the American teenager.
I looked up after dropping my bag off at an empty seat and turned to tell my lie.
“Sorry, I got lost, it’s my first day here and I was never given a tour…” I got interrupted by her. How rude, I was just building up on my sympathy attack.
“Ah, you would be Mr Andrews then?” She gave me a gauging look, “Hmmmmm, well I expect you early Mr Andrews, late coming won’t be tolerated in this class,” she gave me a glare.
Early? Fat chance. I looked her over, she was pretty hot to tell the truth. Small petite blonde, with glasses and a severe looking face. You could tell she would wear the pants in any relationship. She picked on me the whole class, constantly asking me questions. I think I irked her by getting them all right. But that was by the by.
The rest of the day went by at a slow pace. This school just resembled the town, slow and dull. A couple of kids looked like they wanted to start a conversation, but never made a go of it. I wasn’t bothered, talking small town gossip and the latest thing they had got for their trucks didn’t interest me. This, would probably be a good reason why I never made many friends. Trivial things bored me, and most of the things in life were trivial. I was old beyond my years, more like a 70 year old vindictive psychopath. That fitted me. It came to lunch and I was one of the first in. I pulled out my sandwiches, grabbed a table in the shadowed corner and ate in silence. Staying out the limelight was what I was striving for. But alas it was not meant to be.
A football soared over the lunch hall, in slow motion. I had only caught its flight as it started descending, right towards me. Now most people would at this point try and stop it, but that would be too easy. Instead, I caught it and threw it out the window. Remember, I despise sports, and a football is a representation of the sport I hate most. But as you could tell, this didn’t go down well with the resident jocks, all of whom were over 6 feet tall and built like small houses. This might have been a dumb move, but I can be an impulsive guy sometime. I saw three of them start moving towards me, two of the bruisers cracking their knuckles menacingly. Very cliché, I was disappointed, but then again they were jocks. Judgemental, that was a serious flaw I had, socially unwilling was a trait I possessed in bucket loads. So in this case most normal people would apologise and maybe expect a punch, but I was far from the norm. I was sorta proud of that fact. Individuality was a thing I respected.
Jocks don’t, generally because they are the sheep of high school society. Big bullying retarded sheep but they weren’t individual, they relied on being the same as the other 30 jocks they were on the football team with. Football sucks, if you haven’t got that yet. Thought you’d like to know my opinion. Jocks see individuals as targets and weak, easy prey. I should be no different, considering I was, well, a loner indie kid.
They arrived at my table, and the one not trying to look menacing grinned down at me as he leaned over the table. This guy was meant to be the leader, the other two looked too thick to string a sentence together.
“You must be new here, and throwing away the boys’ ball was probably not a smart thing to do, but if you apologise and go out and get it back, I’ll call them off from kicking your ass. Sounds pretty fair right?” He smiled at the end, and really I thought it was a pretty good proposition. But remember, I’m a bit of a tool.
“They should really be apologising to me, seeing as they threw it all the way over here where not one of their jock friends were. Makes me think it was intentional and really, not my fault.” See? I am a tool.
“Buddy, just apologise ok? Please, I’m trying to save your neck here.” This guy was a nice guy… Maybe not all jocks were what I thought they were.
“Nah, I’ll take the butt kicking, I have my principles to uphold,” and a death wish it would seem.
I won’t go into the details, but let’s just say by the next class my eyes weren’t seeing very straight(mighta been because of them swelling up) and I was pretty certain my nose was bent at an obscure angle. At least it wasn’t bleeding, blood made me nauseous. When the teacher asked, I said I ran into a wall, my voice dripping sarcasm. My lack of caring sort of rubbed him the wrong way so I got no help. Ah well, I didn’t want it anyway, pity is a thing I like avoiding.
The rest of the week passed in a painful blur. The jocks had found their punch bag, and it got worse nearly every day, but I was very persistent that I could live with it. Again, I’m very independent, don’t like help don’t like pity. I think I would be a psychologist’s wet dream.
This must be boring you guys right? Hearing a disturbed kid’s mundane small town life was not what you were really wanting to read, so I’ll fast forward to the really interesting bit, which would happen two months into term, where I still had no friends and got my beat down daily. The town of Challis all agreed I was a weird kid, and the beatings might help me become more normal. Hicks, will be hicks.
Anyway, interesting stuff! Well the routine of kicking the crap out of me was getting boring, and in the town of Challis there is a legend. Challis has quite a few Native Americans in its small population. I’d guess a tribe was there but it had been lost in history. But a legend remained, one the town of Challis believed in strongly. That every year, on the 23rd of September wolves erupted from the national forest, hunting for human flesh and anyone found in the open at night would fall victim to them, hence how the following situation happened. Everyone celebrated it as if was a day you clocked off work early and you finished school two hours later. A local holiday, an excuse to relax indoors. But the jocks had a better idea for me, and I realised that as after my beat down they dragged me to a truck and threw me in the back. I didn’t have the strength to resist. I just let it slide, until they dragged me out of the truck and tied me to a tree. This, I was pretty pissed at, calling them every name under the sun, but still they hung something round my neck. It smelled disgusting, but I couldn’t see it properly. They laughed and left.
Most people under these circumstances would in all honesty, panic, scream and breakdown and cry. But I was more of a realist, no one was going to hear me, and this was on a farmer’s land, so eventually I would be found. I just needed to hope I didn’t need a piss or a crap. So here I was, tied to a tree and hoping my bodily functions would hold of for awhile.
It gave me plenty of time to think, and though my arms ached I resigned myself to a long wait. Maybe one of the jocks would let slip, or feel guilty and let me down. Knowing them, they wouldn’t but I could always hope right? Before I knew it the sun was going down… and my head had began to droop…
I woke up to feel the stinking mess wrapped round my neck ripped off me, but in the dark I couldn’t see clearly enough as to who it was. But whoever it was, they were big, and by the sounds of it they had brought dogs with them as the smelly crap was being devoured by the sounds of it.
“Someone left us a present did they?” said a silken feminine voice.
“Two, the meat AND the boy,” a gruff male replied.
Well this statement grabbed my attention, I was a present? Instantly thoughts of paedophiles and gang rape flashed through my mind before a part of my brain registered the other possibilities. Maybe they meant it as a joke. This calmed my breathing, and I soon lifted my head to look at the two.
“Oh look! He’s awake! I always prefer a live victim!” exclaimed the woman in obvious glee. She had a tatty chequered shirt on with a pair of denim hot pants, leaving little to the imagination. She was average looking, with mousy brown hair, uncontrolled and pointing in every direction. Overall, she just looked like a normal Challis resident. Her words though, put all thoughts of normality out my head.
I cast my eyes down again, accepting my fate. If you haven’t guessed, I’m not your typical guy. I’ve listed my problems throughout this story, I am a screwed up person, like mentally unstable. I have a horrible habit of being realistic, of not having that hope that something will change or doubt over some issue. I accept things pretty easy. Me dying, though pretty crap in every sense of the word was something I knew was going to happen now. I knew this because as the two spoke behind them two giant wolves were finishing off the meat that had been tied round my neck. I was obviously the main course, and that sucked, seriously, seriously sucked. But then in the brief mille-second it took to sink it, I realised that I didn’t really mind. My life sucked, it wasn’t a great loss. I wasn’t going to develop a cure for cancer, be a hotshot lawyer or make any difference to the world in any way shape or form. I wouldn’t get into any decent college, and no aspects after graduation if I made it that far and as for life goals well that would be a classic case of N/A. I had none, no plans and no future. I might as well die in the place of someone who could do something useful.
I looked up into their hungry eyes, sighed and spoke what I thought were going to be my last words.
“If your going to eat me, can you try and make it as quick as possible please? I’m not going to ask for painless as well, your wolves and going to munch on me so its going to hurt anyway. Just quick please, maybe even tear my head off first then eat the rest, but if there’s a quicker way then by all means do it, you’re the experts here…”
I babbled a bit. I musta been nervous. I’m about to be torn to shreds and all I can be is nervous? That’s a major let down to all you bloodthirsty, wanting to hear me beg characters out there. Was a bit of a let down for me too come to think of it.
“Wait, you know what we are? What we’re going to do to you? And you just calmly take it in your stride?”
At this point the other two morphed? For lack of a better word, into being human. Both female. Not bad looking. Jesus Christ Caleb! Stop thinking trivial things! Your about to get ripped to pieces by real live werewolves! I breathed a deep breath and responded.
“Werewolves? A mutation? Something big, wolf-like and likes eating humans. And the victim part sort of got me thinking I’m next on the list. And the calm thing well… Screaming and shouting and begging doesn’t seem like it would make much difference. Though when you start I might scream in pain… Most likely will.”
This answer seemed to change something amongst the group. They all looked knowingly at each other. The male shook his head, but the three females nodded.
“There’s plenty more to eat Steven, than him. I think he would make an interesting addition, or alone. Better than your last one. I have a gut instinct about him.”
She inclined her head towards me. I was sort of lost, but I wasn’t listening very much. I was trying not to get last minute panic syndrome and start screaming like a girl.
“Hmmph, your call Alex but I’m not taking any heat on this one. This kid seems unhinged, accepting he’s gonna get eaten. You won’t catch me holding his hand during the change.” The guy, Steven I guess, retorted.
“Fine, we’ll take a vote on whether we take him under our wing or let him run free then.”
DP:
Pack
Lone wolf
Keeping it simple, I can easily work it either way. Both hold awesome possibilities in the sense of building other characters or focusing on Caleb more.
Last edited by Bronze on Wed Sep 30, 2009 4:23 am; edited 2 times in total
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Smee
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| Posted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 1:16 pm Post subject: |
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Hmmmmm....
This is a very different style for writing, and after some consideration I have to say I do like it. It's waffles a little, but then I'm a champion waffler, so can't complain there. And we certainly get inside his head, which is good.
A first person perspective is always interesting for a storygame, as it kind of lends itself towards players commenting in a first person, sort of rp kinda way. I was planning to that very thing. Which leads to the one disappointment of the chapter, that the decision point isn't actually from the main characters point of view.
But then I have to forgive that, because tied to a tree, about to be eaten by werewolves, he really doesn't have many options so there's really nothing for us to decide short of hanging there quietly or the aforementioned screaming like a girl.
You've spent considerable time during this opening chapter impressing upon us what a loner this guy is. So my vote is simple. Pack. Can they really bring this guy into a pack. Wolf packs are very very hierarchical and everyone has their place. I doubt the alpha will respond well to this kid if he doesn't fall into line. I want to see whether you can pull this off realistically.
Good start, lets see where it goes.
Happy Writing 
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 4:57 pm Post subject: |
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Wow... I like! You should probably try a little bit of paragraph reorganization and some fine touch editing to smooth out statements that didn't seem to make sense when first read. But otherwise... really well done!
We are indeed in the character's head. I f5 Smee on the dp not being from his perspective though... Anyways, the DP would be interesting either way it goes. I guess I'd like to see him be a lone wolf for a while, just to get his bearings first... then they should absorb him back into the pack.
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DeadManWalking
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| Posted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 5:11 pm Post subject: |
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I'm feeling like getting his bearings might be easier if he was part of a pack though. There's a large possibility that there's more to being a werewolf than turning into a wolf. He may need some guidance. And of course, being a loner, it could be interesting to see if they can bring him in, as Smee says.
So good job with the story! A bit more rambly than I'm used to, but it's pretty cool.
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Amichan
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| Posted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 6:12 pm Post subject: |
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First off Welcome, secondly not a bad opening chapter. I did notice some technical errors . mainly spelling mistakes but those can be spell checked .. the plot did seem a bit choppy after the frist few paragraphs. but you did seem to recover with your werewolf scene which i think was very well done... As for your DP your character lives and is taken in, but at a price he has to do their dirty work to stay alive
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 8:31 pm Post subject: |
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An enjoyable read.
I liked in particular when the main character speaks, and then you get his real thoughts behind what he said.
| Quote: | | “Nah, I’ll take the butt kicking, I have my principles to uphold,” and a death wish it would seem. |
A very deep characterisation - I'll be looking forward to future chapters when we can get to 'play' this character in the DP.
Oh yeah and | Quote: | | The office lady looked like a giant toad, |
Anyway on to the DP. These wolves are hungry, and it is their habit to eat human offerings. But Alex is clever - he's not including that as an option. He wants his own way. I expect he knows it would be in the interests of the pack to have an ally than a new uncontrolled loner.
But as Smee says, this could end up backfiring on them, given the kind of character Caleb is, and that is something I'd look forward to reading.
So, I'm going with the pack.
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Bronze
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| Posted: Sat Sep 26, 2009 3:18 am Post subject: re |
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Thanks for reading guys  looks like we might have a clear winner here. Ah the possibilities
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Traveller
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| Posted: Sat Sep 26, 2009 6:34 am Post subject: |
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Hey Bronzy...
Good first Chappy...interesting idea...
I have to agree that there are some definite "rambling" or awkward areas but those can be fixed with a simple edit. I think some of it has to do with the "conversational" style you have given this chapter but a few places are a little awkward. Nothing too big though as I feel I did get what you were aiming at.
(I'm not going to quote specifics for you at this time as I would like to see another chapter before I do...besides, there are better people on here for edits than me)
But all in all a good first entry...I am going to go with "Pack" as I think his "Lone Wolf" mentality will conflict nicely with his pack and that will make for some interesting story telling...looking forward to it...T.
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Bronze
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| Posted: Tue Sep 29, 2009 12:24 pm Post subject: re |
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Chapter 2: Changing
“No, I don’t want him in the pack. I’d rather just eat the kid,” snarled Steven. What a tool, I was really not liking this guy, but I might be a bit biased concerning this due to him wanting to eat me.
“I vote yes, as I think he has potential, I can sense this about him. He’ll be useful some day,” replied Alex in an even tone. My head buzzed with every compliment under the sun, she was my heroine. Ok, so maybe I wasn’t so calm anymore…
The two other girls who looked like sisters, both tall and blonde. They looked at each other then nodded once. One of them, the dirty blonde one stepped forward to speak.
“We both agree, we have a lack of fighters within our pack, making us vulnerable to outside threats. He might have the potential to be a fighter. Let us try,” With that she stepped back.
My relief at not dying was pretty awesome, I’ll admit I was terrified after it had sunk in. Now, instead of being eaten I would become one of them. A deep sense of foreboding started crawling up body from the pit of my stomach. Was becoming one of them better than death? I couldn’t think like that, it had to be better, death was a final everlasting thing. Maybe there was a cure to werewolfism. I had to hope there was, or at least it was a better life than what I was leading just now.
“You do it Alex, since you’re the one who wants him. I can hear a farmer in the next field. Let’s go girls,” With that Steven and the two blondes left.
Alex took a step backwards, which confused me until she changed form. I was staring into the golden cat-like eyes of a giant wolf. A scream was trapped in my throat but I somehow held it back. Afterwards I thought, over and over again. I can scream afterwards. She/it ripped off my shirt with one slight tug of its jaws. Have I mentioned how scared I was by the way? My earlier bravado had certainly worn off. I shut my eyes, breathing in hard sharp gasps, preparing myself for the bite. She bit my left shoulder. I bit back the scream of pain. I panted, gritting my teeth trying to think about something else. What colour I’d be, would I be able to change immediately? How long does it take to sink in? What strengths do I have? Who is the pack leader? Do I stay with them all the time?
But thinking about something else didn’t help, in any way, shape or form. Trying to describe it is, well, hard. You can feel it spreading, you can feel it taking over, one horrible burn after the next. At times it(the venom) will disappear, as if it has lost out to your blood, but then it will come on stronger somewhere else. Every piece of me screamed in agony. It spread down my arms, taking them quickly, whilst slowly spreading from major organ to major organ. I have never been more aware of my body, every tiny functioning piece, things most people will never feel. The worst had to be the intestine, because you feel every inch the venom takes, and the intestine stretches for a mile! I nearly passed out whilst it was spreading… Until Alex slapped me about to waken me. Pretty rude if you asked me, first putting me through the worst pain I think any living creature could experience AND then, beating me about as if I was slacking or something!
“Hey… Hey! I’m going to finish the hunt, one of the only times we can hunt human outside the national park. We’ll be back for you in the morning, stay strong, it’ll all be over soon. We’ll bring you a snack too, you’ll need your strength,” with that she reverted to her wolf form and ran off.
Before I could try and comprehend what she had said, pain struck. If I could double over, I’d be half the size and screaming like a girl. But it’s sorta hard to do when your tied to a tree. So instead I screamed and hope the pain would pass from my stomach. However I’m never that lucky and it continued, if anything, it actually got worse. I coped with that for ten minutes before passing out. Bite? The movies depict it like it’s a bite and then you’re a supernatural phenomenon but they are damn well wrong! Its agony, its torture and it is not a simple bight, your body rejects the venom. It fights it tooth and nail… Mine did anyway. Humanity is easier, for me anyway, I hate pain. A coward at heart and proud of it. Well actually that’s a lie, a coward would hide from the football team and beg for his life from the werewolves. Maybe I was a conditional coward…
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah! I passed out. I never thought I would say this, but passing out was perhaps the best thing that could have happened to me. Though the dream was freaky, me getting swallowed by a werewolf… But given the circumstances I can understand an overactive imagination. I always had one of them, I’d think too much or go off on tangents. I guess that’s why I liked reading so much, to put my imagination to use. Real life was just so mundane. Though now, it was anything but mundane. As I was about to find out, when I awoke with a start and a scream. Screaming was becoming a habit today. And I’d done so good otherwise, I never screamed! Upon waking, the world was distinctly different.
It was so clear! I could see anything! My eyesight was perfect, I could hear the gurgle of the stream, could pinpoint its location to four fields away, I could visualise the doe taking a drink at it, lapping greedily at the water. Or, the cow lazily swatting the flies that were disturbing it while grazing. Or the squirrel angrily squeaking away at a rival over a few hard one nuts. All these things were around me, and I could tell you everything that was going on in the scenes, yet I wasn’t seeing them, I was sensing them with my hearing. The slightest movement, the tiniest rustle I could detect. And the smell! I took a breath and I could smell everything, from my dried blood in my clothes, the lavender by the stream, the chemicals the farmer had sprayed in his field to the overwhelming stench of fear coming off my body. I could smell emotion, identify it as easy as that. My world, had been changed for the better, or so I thought.
Inside me, there was this urge, this overwhelming rising force to kill everything. It roiled in my gut, twisting and forcing its way up my body. I choked back a scream as suddenly, the urge burst from my body. The change, as I sorta guessed it would be, was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. Though new experiences were happening a lot to me today, all things considered. But this… My God was it good! I never thought turning into a 5 foot 10 inch wolf would be fun but it was like I was letting go of all human emotion. Everything, hate, love, happiness, fear… All to be replaced by my animal instincts. All I was thinking was where to get my next meal. And I had two options, the cow or the doe. My instincts screamed doe. My animal self burst into action. This I hadn’t expected, the speed was intoxicating! I marvelled in the flowing beauty as if watching from outside my body I saw my werewolf self tear off after the doe. It lasted about five seconds before it got caught. It had been devoured in ten minutes, all of it. This existence was so primitive but so good! I saw myself wander about, searching for more food when the most horrible thing that could have happened did. I caught a scent, which I immediately knew was human. I took off, or more like my wolf self took off and I stared in horror as I saw the child on the horizon, I had to stop myself, but I didn’t know how…
DP folks!
Does Caleb stop himself from killing the little girl?
Does Caleb fail and have the death of a little girl on his conscience?
Oh and the pack thing will come soon  just thought to focus on the change 1st...
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Smee
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| Posted: Tue Sep 29, 2009 1:13 pm Post subject: |
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Ok - I'm enjoying this
Hmmm... we've just eaten a rather considerable meal. Wolves don't kill for the sake of killing, it's for food. And I'd say we're pretty full up right now.
But then there's the 'werewolf' part of wolf that might justify the need to kill.
All the smell, sensing stuff was great right up to the transformation. But then it all got rather rushed. I might have hoped for a little more during the transformation. The sensation of 4 legs, rather than 2. The feeling of biting into the doe, the ripping of flesh, the overriding scent of blood. As I said, all rather rushed.
As the chapter says, we've given up all human emotion, fear, hate etc during the transformation. So presumably empathy, concern, guilt are also gone. If we're still hungry (perhaps the transformation for the first time made us extra hungry) then the girl is our next meal regardless of morality, besides cows are too big and tend to sit in their dung a bit too much.
Plus the girl shouldn't be outside on this night. Her parents must know about the legend, their fault.
~
Decision points are damn tricky things. We've discussed them many times over the years. What makes the best kind etc. We each have our preferences, and theories.
In this case the way you've phrased the decision point isn't a decision point from the point of view of the character, but an Author-based decision on how to write the story next. Personally, (and this is a personal opinion, not a rule, so no worries) I'm not a fan of decision points where we play the role of the 'author' deciding what makes an interesting story. It's your job to make the interesting story, it's our job to make the main characters major decisions. In a situation where we are following strange, foreign animalistic instincts I don't believe we are capable of effecting a decision. Therefore it's not a decision point.
It seems these werewolves, once they are familiar with their powers, have some considerable control over their animal instincts - so this same decision point later on when we have control, is quite valid. Just now though it doesn't seem that way.
Just something to think about.
Happy Writing
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DeadManWalking
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| Posted: Tue Sep 29, 2009 5:03 pm Post subject: |
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While I have not written anywhere near as many DP's as Smee has, I find myself disagreeing with him somewhat. I myself believe (although don't look to me for writing advice; between me and Smee you should probably listen to him) that DP's that control what happens next are also a possible choice. It depends on whether you see Storygaming as more of a style of RPing or a joint writing experience. (The two are now mutually exclusive; the question is which takes precedence.) The first would obviously mean a much more character oriented type of DP, while the second would be a more What Happens Next kind of thing, as in "What does the Character see?" vs. "How does the character react to what he sees?" (except not respectively. The other order)
Regardless of the style of the DP, i think it makes sense for our hero to kill the girl. As Smee said, he's not really in control. Furthermore, the guilt would drive him further towards joining the pack, as he would now want someone to help him control the wolf side.
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Tue Sep 29, 2009 6:27 pm Post subject: |
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Such DPs are called 'meta-game' Decision Points. I think both are somewhat valid but the in-character Decision Points are more immersive to the readers. I always shoot for in-character DPs myself.
The story is good, but I f5 Smee... rushed. It's ok to take your time to develop your story out and write with quality. I can't seem to keep a chapter under 6 pages on word at best and probably averages at 8. That said, I don't get read by everyone for that reason. Still, I would rather be read less and have a higher quality of writing than shortcut myself for the sake of a larger audience.
Typos and sloppyness are infrequent, but common enough to be of note:
| Quote: | | A deep sense of foreboding started crawling up body from the pit of my stomach. |
I think you missed 'my' before body.
| Quote: | | Or the squirrel angrily squeaking away at a rival over a few hard one nuts. |
won... not one.
Also... try working on splitting up your paragraphs more often. A few sentences are enough.
Still, this isn't bad. Despite metagame dps, you write in a way that makes for a very immersive reading experience. You have a better developed character thanks to this than most authors seem to. That said:
| Quote: | | Was becoming one of them better than death? I couldn’t think like that, it had to be better, death was a final everlasting thing. Maybe there was a cure to werewolfism. I had to hope there was, or at least it was a better life than what I was leading just now. |
This struck me as being somewhat out of character... but maybe just an aspect of the character I hadn't imagined. I would have thought he would have been excited to discover a path to power that might take him out of the victim role he'd been playing lately at school.
I say take down the cow... purely due to the rationale that there's a LOT more meat to feed on there than just a little girl could offer. Hell... there'd nearly be more on the squirrel  I think this would be his main concern, not the intelligence level of the prey.
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Wed Sep 30, 2009 1:15 am Post subject: |
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Very good read.
I particularly liked the early stages of the 'change' - I found the details you put into it fascinating and immersive.
I noticed one continuity blooper - at some stage he must have broken free from being tied to the tree, but there was no part which said where he broke free. Or maybe I missed or misinterpreted it... perhaps a part of the rushed ending to the chapter.
I agree with Thunderbird - go for the cow. The cow is bigger than he needs, but I'd figure it would be good for the pack to feed on. Although he is a loner by nature, the human side of him may realise that it might be beneficial to him to have them as allies rather than enemies. Alex has saved his life, and early in the chapter he mentions that she is his 'heroine'. The animal side of him will realise that as a newcomer to the pack, he's a potential threat to the 'alpha male'. (That may be Steven, or someone else, we don't know yet)
Killing the cow will be a way to show that this newcomer is one that is not to be messed with.
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Wed Sep 30, 2009 4:20 am Post subject: |
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| ...and congrats on the sticky status!
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Bronze
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| Posted: Wed Sep 30, 2009 4:29 am Post subject: |
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Thanks for all the comments everyone.
I'll admit it was rushed, I should have put more detail in the change appearance wise, something I can work on at a later stage mayhaps.
Thanks Thunderbird for the typos and mistakes, I'll edit them later on and for the comment too!
DP-wise well, I'm working on different things, I'm new so just seeing what works and doesn't so sorry if it doesn't appeal to you DP-wise, I'm trying to find my feet.
DMW, agreed, I have options story-wise for either DP choice. If he kills the girl it will allow me to characterize and go into more depth animal style and on the otherhand if he doesn't I'll be able to do the story as his struggle to reign the wolf in. I'm happy either way
And Crunchy... Thanks for the comment and sticky! I'm aiming for that Storygame spot
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Thu Oct 01, 2009 1:18 pm Post subject: |
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You couldn't have left it a few more days? I voted 'Girl', but only because I thought it would tie in with my idea, which is that the little girl is actually the sister of one of the guys who's been making his life hell. He appears just as our main character is about to try to avoid attacking the girl, and for vengeance the main character decides to attack him - not to kill, but just to scare him a wee bit.
And I f5 everyone else on that it was rushed. The first part was beautifully written, but then you condensed what could have been a page or two into a few paragraphs. We don't mind a day's more wait if it means the chapter is as good as this one could have been.
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Fenris
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| Posted: Tue Nov 10, 2009 3:37 pm Post subject: |
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| I can't vote!! Darn it. I was voting girl. I'm too tired of all these werewolf stories that have characters with a wussy of a conscious. Bring the animal back, I say
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Amichan
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| Posted: Tue Nov 10, 2009 4:24 pm Post subject: |
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I was thinking Cow as well but that would alert the girl and allow her to escape but either way more details would be nice as getting an animal based perspective is hard to see but even more difficult to write so i am looking forward to your next chappy
as for other technical errors everyone has spoken for them so i have nothing to add
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Sun Oct 10, 2010 5:18 pm Post subject: |
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*poke* I poke this in the hopes that it will somehow come back to life!
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I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 7:25 am Post subject: |
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*pokes again* 
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| Posted: Mon May 09, 2011 11:48 pm Post subject: |
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Good story, I'll have to read the second chapter later.
I'm in need of readers aswell.
Well, Goodluck with your tale! Love the idea of werewolves, but what sort of school is it? Will it be later explained, is he a demi god, turned into a wolf... And why send the guy toward the school? Is there is future for him, or will he turn into the lonewolf he once was...
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