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Crunchyfrog
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 Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 6:44 am Post subject: |
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Any chance of splitting those paragraphs into smaller chunks?
It's proving incredibly difficult to read.. and that's even with my glasses! 
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Mirel
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| Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 6:49 am Post subject: |
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Edited into a small as chunks as possible. As I stated earlier...I apologize in advance for my misuse of the English language.
Also, out of curiosity: How in the world do I change a poll?
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 6:54 am Post subject: |
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OK that's a lot better. 
To change a poll -
Go down to the bottom where the poll is, and click on 'close poll'.
Once that's done, you can then scroll down to the bottom and click on 'delete poll'.
Your current poll will disappear. (if you want to save the results, it is a good idea to cut and paste them somewhere before you do this.)
Then, go to the very first post in your thread, and click on edit.
You will see fresh poll fields for you to fill out your new poll.
Hope this helps.
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Mirel
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| Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 7:09 am Post subject: |
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Thank you. Poll for this dp is up. Feel free to discuss your reasonings behind your choice.
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 9:21 am Post subject: |
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I can tell it's for NaNo. A lot of little errors - repetition, spelling and so on. If you win NaNo, you might want to redraft it. You also don't seem very familiar with your source material, but again, you could probably change that after NaNo.
I think for the DP, the most effective guard will be thisShadow-person. They have all the training. Neither the inspector nor the knight have much to recommend them in comparrison, apart from perhaps inconspicuity.
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Mirel
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| Posted: Thu Nov 05, 2009 7:32 am Post subject: |
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The last part has been checked and edited for spelling and grammer mistakes. My still rougher techniqual difficulties are still present but I am aslo working on those errors as well.
Whiteblacksmith, you have correct...in a way that Shadua Mirel seems to be the most qualified one of the three, however does that make her qualified as a guard for a party? Think about it: A Shadoua purpose is to guard One person not many.
I have basic chart showing the pros and cons of each character for the job. In actuality despite at first glance being uneven, they are actually equally qualified. I would give that chart to you, but that dear readers would be doing your job. I suggest you read through this chapter again. There is not much on each character for you to judge on other than the surface, but there are several subtle clues in the chapter that may influence your decisions...if that is, you look close enough.
The Poll will end next week. I want to put out at least one chapter a week on this story to keep it going fast and furious, so votes need to be cast quickly.
If there are a very few votes or a tie, the wildcard vote will be used to break the tie or to pick the character.
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Fri Nov 06, 2009 2:43 pm Post subject: |
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Actually, I'm still going with the Shadoua. The knight I think is too inexperienced, and although he obviously has his own reasons for trying to prove to this order that he can protect young women without being tempted, the event can't be about him - he will just be stnaidng around and fighting, if nescessary. The inspector may well be good if there is a theft at the party, but I don't think she'd be enough of a deterral visually, and doesn't seem to take being talked down to well.
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DeadManWalking
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| Posted: Fri Nov 06, 2009 5:31 pm Post subject: |
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I politely disagree with Whitey about the investigator. This is a PARTY! In some ways the knight would be better, as a visual deterrent, as Whitey noted, and it is of course always good to prevent crimes in that fashion. But Knights do not make very good guards. Knights are champions, generals, warriors. Bodyguards are made of different stuff.
Which brings me to my objection to the Shadoua. As Mirel said, they protect one person. And as an order dedicated completely to the protection of one person, if anyone else were to be in danger at the party, they would prioritize the protection of their "substance," even if their master were in only minimal danger and the guest in much deeper shit. That's not something you want at a party. If there were to be an attack, this would suggest ultimate cowardice, a host unwilling to protect his guests if his own person were in danger. In this aspect, the knight would be even better than the Shadoua, for his method of dealing with the danger would be to confront the danger directly, rather than fleeing with this master or something similar. (not that Shadoua are cowards, but they are bodyguards of one person, so it would be safest to leave the attacker to their fun and just flee with their substance)
The Investigator on the other hand is someone who has put the needs of the greater populace over herself before. She is smart, and capable, as has been revealed. There is a possibility that she is the least physically capable of the three as a fighter, though she rose through the ranks of the navy, so she is a capable combatant. However, as a keeper of the peace, she would know what to look for to combat crimes in advance. Furthermore, while not physically intimidating, she has the exact opposite advantage. She will not intimidate the guests as the knight will.
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Mirel
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| Posted: Mon Nov 09, 2009 9:21 am Post subject: |
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Alright folks...we have a tie! The poll will close by either Wesdnesday or Friday regardless of the outcome.
In addition, I'm introuducing a new concept to the story. As a way to record the interaction of the various characters (main, secondary, or otherwise) with the main characters of Lord and Lady Avondale. The first part of this chapter (The Garden of Roses) will now be an example of this concept.
This will not only allow me, later, to record the interactions of the 'paying' guests but also allow me to keep my word count high while the main chapters are polling.
These Interluedes, as they will be called, will have comment points (all comments will be incorprated in the story in some way unless conflicting in nature at which point Ifians can either pay for a certain comment to be the most influencing one or the author will make an editoral decision) in lue of actual decison points and will not end in a vote. Those people who have paid for a main character position will be featured most often, but secondary characters will also have a part to play in this position. In addition, minor characters will occasionally be displayed or insights on the plot will be offerred through these interludes.
Chapter polls will close shortly after Interludes have been posted in the event of a clear win. In the event of a close run or a tie, the poll will continue through the Interlude but will close two to three days after the Interlude has been posted at which time a "Wildcard or Author's Choice" vote will be iniated.
Sound good? Good because like or not folks, I'm moving fast.
The next Interlude is in the works, and just needs a good editing before its posted.
P.S. Until Invitations are finalized, i.e. Chapter 4: Arrival, Interludes will feature pre-created characters that can be "bought" by Ifians at the same rate as either Hilda or Bob (see Cost post for more information.) Which means that anyone wanting to buy Madame Falcon can do so. Those who have already bid for an invation can buy her or change to her character for no additional cost (and depending on who it is, perhaps for a refund). The same thing goes for the next couple of characters who are featured until bidding is closed (Chapter 5 or 6: The Swing of Things).
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Mirel
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| Posted: Thu Nov 19, 2009 6:46 am Post subject: |
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Interlude: Details, Details
A soft bell rang as Lady Avondale entered a small shop filled to the brim with linens, fabrics, laces, and trims of all colors from all the different country. Dressed in a modest grey dress with a soft bustle and hardly any lace, Lady Avondale thought she most positively look morbid next to this bright display of color. Knowing that the shopkeeper would not keep her waiting for long, Lady Avondale ran an idle hand across a silk of soft purple with the merest hint of the most subtly embroider pink flowers stitched into its exotic length and sighed in a half wishful thought.
“It vould bring out your eyes wonderfully, Maria.” A tenor spoke behind here, the voices Russian accent accenting the speakers voice like a the presence of cinnamon in a hearty beef stew making it exotic, exciting the senses with curiosity, yet so slight that only the keenest audience that carefully lingered over the dish could detect its presence.
“A garment sown by you could make a princess of a beggar, Marlone.” Lady Avondale said softly as she turned to face the short Jewish man dressed in his sharp black suit, white shirt, with obligatory black cap covering the man’s curly black hair and bringing out all the more his blue eyes that sparkled amusement on her, “But fine clothing does not make fine ladies.”
“Oy, Maria, on vat ve vill never agree.” Marlone said shrugging his shoulders at her before striding to stand before to the shop’s counter and opening up a black sketchbook that took up most of its length. “So what ve do for you? You know it is always our pleasure to assist you, old friend.”
“Old friend, indeed, Marlone,” Lady Avondale said her eyes sparkling briefly with mischief, “you should know better than to hint to a lady’s age.”
“Oy vey, now ve done it. “ Marlone threw his hands up in the air, his eyes also sparkling merrily. They both enjoyed this game of theirs, the half-teasing and half-drama that always ensued whenever Maria came for a dress in which Maria always got something far more fancy than the modest garments she described, and Marlone pointedly ignored her when it came to plunging necklines, darts that hugged just the right places, and all the other little touches that always made even her most modest garments just a tad daring and always flattering. “You won’t leave us, vill you, my lady? Ve cannot do without you. Without our ladies generous patronage, how vould my children eat!”
“Now Marlone, you shall do very well without me. The most skilled tailor in the world has no need of generosity.”
At this Marlone raised an eyebrow, “The most skilled tailor in the world in a little shop in a little villa? Surely not. Skilled tailors belong in London, not in backwater towns in what might as well be in the middle of towns.”
“Yes, I would always did wonder at that.” Lady Avondale murmured softly causing a soft chuckle to rumble from Marlone’s throat.
“Tut, tut Maria. You are a live one, that’s for sure.” Marlone said good heartedly. “What can I do for you this year? Customs for your servants, guards, Lord Avondale, and yourself as I always I presume? I trust none of the measurements I have not changed overmuch from last year, although with that cook of yours and your own cooking, I doubt that very much.”
Smiling at the compliment, Lady Avondale got down to business. “Nothing overly fancy this year, I’m afraid Marlone. In fact, I believe you shall positively bored and dismayed by my request.”
“The customs for one of your parties boring? Next you shall tell me that the sky has turned green,” Marlone said incredulously. “What is the theme?”
“Ah, now Marlone, you should know better than ask that.”
“A fellow has to try,” Marlone said with a small shrug. “The setting and general time period as always then.”
“England, 1880 to 1903. I would you to concentrate mostly on the mid 1880, 1885-1887 in particular. Kitchen staff and servers uniforms should be basic and allow them to fade into the background. The only exception is the uniform of the head cook. Franchise’s custom should fit both her station and nationality, mostly English with the hint of her French training and her German heritage. Our footmen, hall attendants, closet attendants, maids, butlers, and other staff that our general seen often or serve our guest directly should be dressed a little bit more fancifully as if the host of the party was a wealthier lord who harkened to an older time. You can go really insane with your use of trim on the doormen and footmen in particular, but the rest should be kept to the minimum the sparse of use of lace that only hint at opulence rather than shout it. “
“I think I got the general idea. All your staff should fade into the background, but special attention should be paid to the key members of your staff such as Bob, Franchise, Hilda, the chief footman, and the herald. The guards then?”
“We will be hiring 5 extra this year. They should be dressed as if returning from a hunting party, but nice enough that they will be able to join our guest without too much attention paid to their offits. Of our own 20, 5 should be dressed as footmen, 5 dressed as hunting party, 5 dressed as bobbies, and 5 in their traditional heraldic uniform. The hunting party should have a change of clothes suited a lower to mid-level noble of moderate wealth. I have been informed that two of new guards are women. Adding them to our own five, that makes 7. I would perfeer if they hunting party consisted of 3 couples, either married or courting, and four bachelors. I would have both new female guards as part of the hunting party. Which leaves you with 4 women: one of which should bobbie, one as a footman, one in traditional heraldic, and the other as a kitchen servant or maid. I will have the new guards measurments in your hands by the morrow."
“For yourself and your husband?”
“Ah, now we come to the prick. I honestly don’t know. I’ll be taking care of the small details that attend the theme of the party, but I am going to need you to come with customs for both me and my husband. Our customs should either be the dress of important historical figures in England or the party dress of a typical Lord and Lady in the time which I described.”
“Oy, Maria,” Marlone sighed scratching his eyebrows the way he always did when she had him confused. “You have me puzzled, that you do. Ve vill see vhat ve can do, huh?”
“I’ll come back in a week then to see you’re primarily sketches, then?”
“As always.”
_________________
Possibilities are the food of the imgination.
~ ~ ~
Some things are too good to be missed: Get Invited.
Last edited by Mirel on Fri Dec 04, 2009 9:02 am; edited 2 times in total
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Mirel
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| Posted: Thu Nov 19, 2009 6:47 am Post subject: |
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Poll's closed. The daring Inspector Marlowe gets the job. What will happen next?
New Chapter will be up either tommorrow or Monday depending on how motivated I'm feeling.
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Thu Nov 19, 2009 12:22 pm Post subject: |
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This is really good Mirel! It almost has the feel of an actual novel. I love the descriptivness of your writing. Can't wait to read more! 
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.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
 
 
  
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Thu Nov 19, 2009 2:47 pm Post subject: |
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| Looking forward to your next chapter, although having a male character called Marlone in the interlude confused me a little, given that the candidate that got the job was a female called Marlowe.
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Thu Nov 19, 2009 10:48 pm Post subject: |
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OK, Mirel... I FINALLY caught up here. *gasp*wheez*sputter* You are a very fertile and prolific author.
Let's address the technical stuff. I know you aren't editing this very thoroughly due to the Nano thing, but please try to include all those words you love to miss in your sentences, transitional phrases really, such as 'the', 'as', 'an', etc... I really struggle when these words end up missing from a sentence. Also, some of your sentences are runon marathons with no end in sight. You could still do to keep your paragraphs a bit shorter and with clearer sentences, you'll find this easier to do.
You clearly think very deeply and give vast consideration to your topic matter. Sometimes too much. On occasion, the descriptions of the character's dress seems to overwhelm any other, perhaps more important, impressions we could have of them.
But look, I'm being my usual hypercritical self here. You have an amazingly detailed environment which is a good thing. I know I'm going to have scanned my way past important details, but they really have been overwhelming, especially where the shadowean were described. Still, I love the depth you've given your tale and the honest feeling of reality that I acheived as I absorb your fascinating realm.
In fact, the highest compliment I can give you is that your writing is vaguely reminiscent of our dearly departed Robert Jordan.
Too bad I missed the poll... the only of the three I trusted was the knight, though even he sent off some warning bells, which I suspect you intended all three to have done.
Anyhow, I'm onboard and waiting for the mystery to begin 
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 CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...  
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Mirel
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| Posted: Fri Nov 20, 2009 9:21 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | But look, I'm being my usual hypercritical self here. You have an amazingly detailed environment which is a good thing. I know I'm going to have scanned my way past important details, but they really have been overwhelming, especially where the shadowean were described. Still, I love the depth you've given your tale and the honest feeling of reality that I acheived as I absorb your fascinating realm.
In fact, the highest compliment I can give you is that your writing is vaguely reminiscent of our dearly departed Robert Jordan. |
*raises eyebrows* High Praise indeed. Undeserving as I may be of such complements, you truly flatter me as I am a fan of Rober Jordan's works. I refuse to use the past tense as his work still lives even the author has passed. *curties* Thank you for your compliments.
~ ~ ~
Now on to buisness.
[edited to say] I have added a synoposis to my first post in this thread to help new and old readers catch up with the story. Feel free to check it out.[end edit]
This Interludes Discussion Point, or Comment Point, is this: Given the clues given to you in this chapter, do you have any clue to the theme of the party.
This is also a friendly reminder to state that after I post the Third Chapter, bidding will close for Created Characters. Bidding will remain open for Pre-Created Characters until Chapter 5 or 6, at which time bidding will close and official Invitations will be issued.
Currently the standing is this:
(1)Smee: Wizard Guard (secondary character)
(2)CrunchyFrog: Helda (if you want Helda...you have outbid Crunchy) (normal character...little to no effect on plot)
(3)White Blacksmith: Claire Briarweb from Greater London (main character)
(4)Phantomfan: Personal Guard, nonspecific so far (secondary character)
(5)Deadmanwalking: Created Character (main character)
To Gain your own character in this little game of mine I need:
5 fables for your spot. Plus the downpayment fee for the kind of character you desire. Please refeer to my early post for a detail of these fees.
Bid format should be as follows:
"I bid 5 fables for an inviation and (insert amount here) fables for (insert character type here).
If you want Helda, currently in the hands of Crunchy, you will need an additional 5 fables like such:
"I bid 5 fables for an inviation, and I bid 55 Fables to take Helda from Crunchy."
You can bid any amount you so desire, but the min. increment is 5 fables. So bidding 1 falbe more for anything....so no offers of 11 fables, 51 fables, etc.
Why?
Because I say so.....so there.
_________________
Possibilities are the food of the imgination.
~ ~ ~
Some things are too good to be missed: Get Invited.
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Mirel
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| Posted: Tue Nov 24, 2009 7:17 am Post subject: |
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Chapter 3 is delayed until further notice due to a RL situation that has me extermly upset at the moment.
I may be gone from the sight for several weeks until this gets straightened out.
I will try to post Chapter 3 as soon as possible.
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Tue Nov 24, 2009 11:44 am Post subject: |
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Positive vibes: <))) <)))) <)))))) <))))))))
Take it easy - we'll still be here when you get back.
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Mirel
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| Posted: Fri Dec 04, 2009 9:30 am Post subject: |
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Chapter 3: Annoucements
A hundred individual whispers echoed in the grand ballroom, itself a throwback to the Renaissance period where a few instruments had to fill a whole room with a sweet melody, as the staff of the Avondale manor waited eagerly for the announcement of this year’s theme.
Glances were thrown at the head staff, standing in an orderly line to the right of the mass of servants that waited for the mistress of the house to make her appearances, as rumors and theories were quickly inter-exchanged. Some of them, particularly the head staff, had been certain instructions so that each had a part of the picture, but could not see the whole.
Their mistress was wise enough to know that servants, willing or not willing, often let something seemingly innocent slip which could ruin her whole event and so took extra precaution that no one would know the theme save herself and her husband until the invitations had been mailed and were a day away from their closest destination. Curiosity was somewhat excited as only yesterday that the Lady Avondale had visited the local post-office accompanied by her shadowa and a heavy bag of invitations.
Three solemn thuds on the floor by the butler’s heavy cane silenced the room, and garments were hastily straightened as Lord and Lady Avondale entered the room.
In Lady Avondale’s hands was a single unopened invitation that was the draft of the official invitations that had been sent yesterday morning on the first post. Lord Avondale carried a bundle of envelopes that were no doubt the script of this year’s gala.
Smiling at their apparent eagerness, Lady Avondale laughed gaily at them all, and with ready hearts they joined her. Once the laughter had subdued to occasional chuckles, Lady Avondale began as a page took the envelopes from Lord Avondale and began to hand them out to the appropriate members of the staff. “Eager as always, I see ladies and gentlemen.” Lady Avondale, “It is good to see I have not lost my enchantment despite the number of times this little practice of ours has continued. As you all well know, you are being handed your scripts. I apologize for not being able to give everyone a line or two, but despite the most brilliant playwright to be found within the walls of my husband’s college, there never seems to be enough to go around. Also included in your envelopes are invitations to the staff parties that will be taking place during the event. Each of you have been assigned a slot, and I have made sure that each one of you will be able to take a break at least twice, even our beloved cook. Meals will be provided by the pub, where this year’s staff party will be held so no one will have to worry about cooking, cleaning, or any other thing on their nights off.”
A round of applause followed this announcement for Lady Avondale was a generous mistress, although her kindness to her staff dug more deeply into her husband’s purse then was sometimes healthy still between the gala, the properties rent, and the other means Lady Avondale stretched their thin budget the generous couple never seemed to be in debt yet never lacking for kindness.
Raising her hand, Lady Avondale was granted instant quite. “You may have noticed not everyone has received an envelope of instructions.” Lady Avondale smiled, “Those who have not been given their usual lines will see me this evening at our personal table as you will have a special assignment that will mean that you will not be able to take a break during this year’s gala. I apologize for the disappointment, but any one so neglected will receive a week’s vacation which they can take at their leisure after the gala to make up for any neglect on my part. This year's party will last 7 days, instead of the usual three or 4. We are expecting about 20 guests, each of whom is allowed to bring either a single guest and guard, or a servant and a guard. Those who chose to bring a guest will notify me as soon as possible, at which time I will assign them a servant to them during their stay. In addition, we are expecting 5 extra guards to on top of our own. Our own will be divided into 4 groups: footmen to patrol the entire manor, Bobbies for outside patrol, heraldic to occupy the standard post, and a hunting parting to attend the party. Each guard will serve in two patrols with the exception of the hunting party. Lira?” Lady Avondale questioned.
A tall muscular female with a body so hard it was hard to tell she was a woman stepped forward dressed in a strict heraldic uniform. “Present, m’lady.”
“You will be joining the hunting party patrol, and you will see by your lines that you have been assigned the part of a fairly wealthy single heiress who enjoys hunting and is being courted by three gentlemen of moderate wealth. Who plays which part will depend on the others, is this agreeable?”
“Very, Lady.” Lira said with a small cold smile.
“Argh, m’lady, you’ll have a heart of ice, that you be. You be knowing that Lira is an infamous tease who has been pulling my heart strings since she first took her post but will have none of me.”
Lady Avondale winked at Lira, and smiled at the poor guard who had spoken in the thick Scottish brogue. “Aye, Walter, I’d be knowing. Which is why I suggest that any guard interested in the hunting part apply to the Weapons Master post haste, who is in charge of assigning positions and shifts. You need to be making your choice of patrol by the end of the week, but I suggest you hurry about it if you wish to have the chance to court Lira, at least in the safety of drama’s confines.”
Several guards among her staff brightened at this announcement. Despite Lira’s lack of female inducements that usually attracted men, there was something in her fierceness and strength that attacked as much lust and desire as a plenteous bosom. Lira, Lady Avondale knew, found it all vastly amusing and skillfully played the hand dealt to her.
“Now, I will read my invitation and reveal to you the theme….” Pausing for drama, Lady Avondale slowly opened the pale page and read aloud, “You have been invited the grand annual Gala at Avondale Mansion to take place a month hence, to last for one week filled with nightly entertainment. The Lord and Lady Avondale desire to have the honor of your presence to their humble event. If you would attend, please reply with whom you are attending…etc. as soon as possible. Etc, etc, further pleasantries etc. This year’s theme is:” holding her breath briefly she smiled and announced, “Historic Masquerade. Please attend in the disguise of a historic British figure. Events will include plays from Shakespeare, Malory, etc, music from Handel, Mozart, etc, and a replay of a famous historic event presented by the Famous Actors of the Globe Theater who have gladly agreed to honor us with their presence at this year’s gala. Please bring your official invitation with you when you attend, and wear a mask.” Pulling out the official invitation which was in the form of a mask which upon the back had simply been written: You’ve been Invited to-Lord And Lady Avondale’s Masquerade-at Avondale Manor-on _____at _____.
“My dear friends, whom you all know from my past parties, will make up about half the attendance, and look forward to seeing them once more. Since most of them live only hours away, this explains why this meeting has taken place so soon. I am afraid the rest of the guest will have to remain a mystery until I received their official confirmation. Now, if you excuse me, I have a dinner to prepare, to which those who have not received instructions are expected to attend at 7 precisely. You are dismissed, but remember we only have 2 more months to prepare, so let us all be busy at our tasks.”
_________________
Possibilities are the food of the imgination.
~ ~ ~
Some things are too good to be missed: Get Invited.
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Mirel
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Joined: 25 Sep 2009
Topics: 1
Posts: 65
Location: The land of possibilty
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| Posted: Fri Dec 04, 2009 9:38 am Post subject: |
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Due to lack of Imigination for this DP, I'm throwing it back to the Interlude. This years theme is Masquerade, but what shall the Lord and Lady Avondale wear.
Notice to paying Ifians as Guards and Guests:
Deadmanwalking: You are being given the freedom to choose what you shall wear to the gala as an custom.
Crunchyfrog: Sorry, dear, you're custom is already decided.
Guards (Smee, and I'mForgettingtheirnamebecausefinalexamsarenextweekekkandbecauseI'mslowlylosingmymindpleasedon'tletthemeninwhitecoatstakemeawaypleaseI'msanereallyjustforgetfulyoubelievemeright?): You will be able to decide which guest you guard. I will be sending you a list, sometime next week, and you are to feel free to select one guest to protect.
All except Crunchy and Deadman: You are allowed to select either Historic or Mask and Fancy offit choice. If you choose Historic, you will be able to pick an era of British history. I will make the selection of who/how are you appear but I'll give that much. Guards, you choice will determine your own as well as you Lord/Lady's custom.
Anyone else interested: Bidding will close for self-made characters next chapter. Bid now if you wish to create a character and join the fun.
_________________
Possibilities are the food of the imgination.
~ ~ ~
Some things are too good to be missed: Get Invited.
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scissorkitty
Respected Citizen
Joined: 04 Mar 2008
Topics: 59
Posts: 789
Location: Escaping the Hair Lair
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| Posted: Fri Dec 04, 2009 7:17 pm Post subject: |
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((double BobThwack))
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......back and forth.....
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