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Shady Stoat
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 Posted: Wed Dec 02, 2009 7:24 am Post subject: The Liar, The Snitch and the Wardrobe |
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Since I'm old school and this section used to be called 'Humor and Experimental', I'm going to post my SG here. If any of the higher ups think it's more of a fantasy story and decide to move it to there, then I'll accept their decision in a mature and sensible fashion, as befits my dignity. *wobbles lower lip* *pouts* *sulks*
Anyway, here it is. Enjoy.
====
Chapter 1: White Snow
“When's the shipment due, Sammy?”
“What's the name of his supplier?”
“Where does it come from? Names, Sammy, we need names!”
Sammy squirmed in the hard, plastic chair. He was uncomfortably aware of the three bean burrito he'd had for lunch, and the way it was trying to escape from his sphincter. Just at this moment, he would have given anything for a good five minutes in a bathroom. Or even a bad five minutes, he wasn't picky.
The box-room stank of fear and anger. His fear. Their anger. The two police officers sat on the opposite side of the table, watching him as a grandmother with extremely big ears and sharp teeth watches the girl in the scarlet cloak. Expecting him to squeal in the same high-pitched pigtail voice too.
Well, it wasn't going to happen. Sammy Glommit was made of sterner stuff. He was a man's man, a stand-up-and-be-counted man, a rule breaker, a freedom fighter, an oak standing in the face of the hurricane.
Who was he fooling? Give him a basket of goodies and a forest to walk through and he was wolfbait!
“Look – guys!” Maybe reason would save him. “If the Shark finds out I've even been here with you two, he'll...”
“Break every bone in your body?” Suggested the larger of the two officers, gleefully.
“Hand you over to his Rottweillers for playtime?” The sharp-nosed one added.
Sammy heard the click in his throat as he swallowed. “He'll... be upset.”
Sharp-nose leaned back in his chair. “Here's the deal, Sammy. You're going to tell us everything we want to know. Or we might just get upset too.”
Fatty stood up, walked around the table and switched off the tape recorder. “We know someone's been stealing money from the Shark's bank accounts. We don't know who – and we don't care. Not our problem. But, if you stay schtumm, certain friends of ours are going to deposit some money in your bank account. Just about the amount he's missing. How 'upset' do you think old Sharkie will be then?”
Sammy uttered a quivering groan. Forget the five minutes in a bathroom. He was going to need a mop!
~
Lia knew, the moment Sammy walked into the warehouse, that something was up. His round face was flushed and sweaty. He was doing the weird drummy thing with his fingers - the thing he did every time he had a losing hand at the poker table. His straw-coloured hair was dishevelled, as if he'd been clutching at it, and he had a trapped rodent look in his pale eyes.
That dumbass never could fool his own sister. How he'd managed to tie his own laces, never mind break into business with the Mob, was beyond her. Yet, by some miracle he had. The Shark had even taken on Sammy's recommendation to hire Lia. And so here they were, waiting in an empty auction house for one of their regular meetings with the big man himself.
And her brother was going to louse it up. She could just tell.
“What have you done this time, Sam?”
Her brother twitched, his complexion turning from white to green in an instant. He swiped at his forehead with his shirt cuff.
“N-nothing! I haven't done a thing! What makes you think I'd do anything? I would never – never – dream of...”
He trailed off under the force of her stare.
“Sammy. There's a reason mum and dad called me Lia, and not you.” She sighed. “C'mon, give it up. Truth now.”
He sank back against one of the antique wooden bureaus, stacked against the walls for the perusal of the next auction crowd.
“I'm in trouble, Li.”
She rolled her eyes. “So what's new?”
“I – I think someone's been stealing from the Shark.”
“What?” In a second, she closed the distance between the two of them and grabbed him by the front of his shirt. “How do you know that?”
“Gerroff! The police told me!”
“The police?” Lia felt the strength go from her legs. She sat down on the cold stone floor. “Tell me everything, little bro. Right now.”
He blurted out the whole sad story, from when the police had taken him in for questioning, to the part where he'd told them at the deal going down next week, by the docks. The part where they'd let him go, and he, like the star role in “Britain's Dumbest Criminals” had come straight over here. The cops were probably crowded around the auction house like flies around a...
Her nostrils wrinkled. “What's that smell?”
Sammy grimaced. “Three bean burrito.”
“What?” She shook her head. “Never mind. Look – this is bad.”
“I had to tell them, Lia! They were going to set me up for it!”
“You idiot! Whatever they did, I could undo. I'm his accountant, remember?”
“But... all that money...”
The slow misery of comprehension dawning on his face would probably make her feel sorry for him at some point. Just after she'd kicked him up and down the auction house a few dozen times, most likely.
“I stole the money, okay?” She watched as her brother's eyes goggled. “Yeah, me.”
“But... why?”
“I was doing it for m... for our future. We can't keep running errands for the mob until we're riding around in bathchairs Sammy! This way, twelve months of skimming and we'd have enough to buy ourselves a little island somewhere. Retire with all the luxuries a few million can buy. Think of it! All the beer you can drink. All the women you could entertain yourself with.” Her face screwed up anew as Sammy chose again to express his nerves rectally. “All the toilet paper you could handle.”
“You?”
“We've already covered that bit, bro. Try to keep u...”
The doors of the warehouse crashed open. Police radios crackled as Lia grabbed her brother and tugged them both into the shadows.
“The police? How did they get here?” asked Sammy, eyes wide.
Lia rolled her eyes. “You brought them here, Mastermind. Quick, we've gotta hide!”
“But... they'll catch the Shark.”
“Sharky will take care of himself,” she hissed. “We have to do the same. Quick! Into that wardrobe!”
“What?” But Sam allowed himself to be shoved into the darkness, his objections becoming muffled.
The police were closing in fast. She could see the shadows advancing on their hidey hole. The wardrobe was a chance. Not a good chance, but she'd take what she could get. Closing the door behind her as quietly as possible, she slipped inside.
The auction house was so dimly lit that even the keyhole didn't provide a chink of light. It was pitch dark in here.
“Sammy. You okay?”
No answer. Lia felt her heart hammering against her ribs, like a drummer who'd managed to convince the band to pay him by the note instead of by the hour.
“Sammy?” she tried again, reaching out this time. He wasn't there. Neither was the back wall.
Her brows drew together and she took a tentative step backwards. Still no wall, still no Sammy. Step by step she searched, each pace becoming a little colder, a little less woody underfoot. She could smell something now. Something potent and sharp, like toilet cleaner and old hamster cages.
“I'm gonna kill you, little bro,” she muttered in a shaky voice. Then she saw it ahead. Something like a curtain of gauze, with light shining through it from beyond.
Was it some sort of hoax? No. Sammy didn't have the brains for that. And the Shark didn't play with his food. He just devoured.
Forcing herself, she reached forward and twitched the curtain aside. It dissolved in her hand, leaving her to blink, stunned.
In front of her was a whole different world. One of tall, gnarled trees and cold, powdery snow. At last, she recognised the scent. Wood and decaying leaves. There was no call for a City girl like her to have made the association. And no way she could have guessed at it being here within the confines of a wardrobe! It wasn't like you got the bloody Nile flowing out every time you opened the oven door to stick a chicken roast in! Or found a swamp inside your shower curtain! Well, in Sam's case, the inside of his shower was pretty much like a swamp, but even so...
She realised she was giddy with hysteria and forced deep breaths. It was then that she heard the shouts in the distance. Sammy's shouts.
Without the intervention of her brain, her feet started running. The snow kicked up powder around her knees and she strained her eyes to see any signs of her idiot brother.
Rounding a thick clump of undergrowth, she found him, rolling around on the ground, yelling and cursing. The reason for this was fairly plain. There was a... a something... wrestling Sammy, its mouth buried against his hip. It was the most bizarre creature she'd ever seen in her life – and this was from a girl who'd been to three Accountants' Christmas Parties!
The thing had hairy legs. Really hairy! Bright orange fur spread from waist to ankles, stopping at its cloven hooves. Its knees were joined the wrong way around, like an animal's. Above the waist, it was human, apart from the horns that sprouted from its forehead and the bright lilac of its blazing eyes. It was also naked. Bare chested wasn't so bad, but Lia found her eyes being drawn hypnotically to the... well, let's call it the pelvis. When God had been handing out the meat and two veg, this guy had got an all-you-can-eat buffet! Complete with aperitifs, fish course, choice of tea or coffee and after dinner mints!
It was only Sammy's repeated screams for help that drew her attention away again. As she took another step toward the two of them, the goat-man gave a triumphant growl and tore away her brother's trousers at the seam. Springing to his feet, he pranced away with them in his mouth.
“My trousers!” yelped Sam. Then his brow wrinkled. He dipped a finger into the snow and touched it to his tongue. A slow blink later, he started to smile.
“Lia,” he slurred. “This isn't snow.”
She was about to ask what it was, then she realised she didn't need to. She'd been working for the Shark long enough to recognise the hard stuff when she saw it. And Sammy was swimming in it, trouserless. A dope in a sea of dope!
She bent over to drag him to his feet when a sound made her straighten up. It was coming from the opposite direction to the one the creature had run off in. It took her a moment to recognise the sound for what it was.
“Sleigh bells?” She muttered. “What next?”
Last edited by Shady Stoat on Wed Jan 27, 2010 3:19 am; edited 6 times in total
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Wed Dec 02, 2009 9:01 am Post subject: |
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FIRST POST!!!! Nyah!!!
*makes lots of footprints in the dubious chemical snow-like stuff* 
Lovely twists there, nicely delivered!
Is this a what next DP, or a decision for Lia? Hmm. I wonder whether the Shark knows about this Wardrobe, the world beyond being covered in the white powdery stuff, and the Wardrobe being in the very place the man likes to hold his mob meetings. But she might not be thinking about that yet, things are happening too fast.
Judging by her reaction to the goat man, her instinct might just be to follow him and get a closer look at his credentials. I mean, wow.
The creature has her brother's trousers, so that's a good enough excuse as any to go after him. Although she'll have to get Sammy up out of the snow prompt-ish or he'll be stoned as hell and no use to anyone.
That's my first thought anyway. After Goat-man!
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Shady Stoat
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| Posted: Wed Dec 02, 2009 9:08 am Post subject: |
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Thanks Crunchy
Yes, the DP is meant to be a 'what would you do in this situation'. I suppose I should have made that clear
It can be for either Lia or Sammy, or for both. If you have any thoughts on their next moves, either individually or together, here's the place to put 'em!
*grits teeth and waits for the chaos to ensue*
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DeadManWalking
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| Posted: Wed Dec 02, 2009 9:20 am Post subject: |
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lol This could turn out VERY interesting. I'm waiting to see what else you do with this series!
My suggestion, since Crunchy has already suggested following the Goat-man, is to hide somewhere. Wait for whatever's making the sleigh sounds, and see what's going on. That seems like something Lia would do, being a crafty broad and all.
Alternatively, you could combine the two options. Lia hides and tells her brother to follow, but he decides going after his pants is a better idea.
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| Posted: Wed Dec 02, 2009 12:06 pm Post subject: |
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Awesome! Another Shady-Lady tale begins and I'm able to be there for its beginning .
(Nice av CF!)
Written brilliantly as befits such a veteran SG'er as yourself. Makes me wonder if it was the three bean burrito that had attracted the faun to his trousers... ugh.
As for the DP, I'd say they should hide under the snow and watch what comes their way.
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| Posted: Wed Dec 02, 2009 1:25 pm Post subject: |
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*giggles... stops... giggles a little more.*
Diving under the 'snow' to hide sounds dangerous. Things are bizarre enough without a nose full of powder and Lia certainly doesn't want to encourage Sammy to play with the stuff.
There's mention of a thick clump of undergrowth - I suggest hiding in there. And once Santa Crack has gone by, it's a convenient place for Sammy to ... empty himself.
Loving it so far,
Happy Writing 
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| Posted: Wed Dec 02, 2009 4:28 pm Post subject: |
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I sense a slight trample on a CS Lewis story possibly but i Think Ol Stoat won't do that ... ( at least i don't think she will )
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Shady Stoat
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| Posted: Wed Dec 02, 2009 11:50 pm Post subject: |
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Well, some people say satire is the lowest form of wit.
So what on earth makes you think I won't stoop to it? Stoats are pretty low, you know
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| Posted: Thu Dec 03, 2009 6:03 am Post subject: |
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Ah, there's the Stoat I know!
Lovely. Mmm. Well, greed would probably kick in about now. Finding a bag and collecting some 'snow' would be high on the list.
If I recall correctly though, time passes faster in the wardrobe, so they'll need to hang about quite a while before they can safely exit. Unless there's another way out...
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| Posted: Thu Dec 03, 2009 7:02 pm Post subject: |
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I agree with Cren about "saving" some of the "snow".. I wonder what the pants heist was all about? Once some of the white stuff has been saved and safely hidden away, I think splitting up to follow the goat man, and also wait for Santa Drugs sounds totally plausible.. and follows the rough story line of the classic tale.
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| Posted: Fri Dec 04, 2009 6:07 pm Post subject: a winter wonderland |
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Well, if we're satirizing closely enough, we're not going to run into Santa Drugs, we're going to have an unpleasant meeting with the White Witch. I personally think we want to learn more about Narcotia (sorry, I wanted to try a few dumb puns too) from more benign characters. I think we'd best run away from the sleigh bells and not try to spy. We'll just end up getting caught.
Maybe we can find a hemp forest? There ought to be nice chilled out folks around there.
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| Posted: Fri Dec 04, 2009 7:12 pm Post subject: |
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HAAA! That's getting into the spirit of things. Narcotia, the White Powder B... Witch of.. not Narnia.. then where?
Shouldn't there be other fuzzy wuzzy denizens of the forest running around? I see your point about asking around for more info on the Witch.
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scissorkitty
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| Posted: Fri Dec 04, 2009 7:17 pm Post subject: |
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((bob))
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Shady Stoat
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| Posted: Wed Dec 09, 2009 1:21 am Post subject: |
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Poll's up for 5 days. Cast your vote or forever wonder what would have happened if you had 
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Wed Dec 09, 2009 1:29 am Post subject: |
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Difficult choice between 1, 2 and 4 for me - *discards 4 due to the fact there's enough snow for it not to be a priority*
Mmmm. Hide under the snow and get stoned, or follow meat-and-2-veg?
Ummm.... and voted. 
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| Posted: Wed Dec 09, 2009 2:26 am Post subject: |
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| I voted, both seem to split up! It would be a good choice to make. since then the brother can find his pants, or new clothes for that matter. And the girl wait for that something to appear.
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| Posted: Wed Dec 09, 2009 7:38 am Post subject: |
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I'm currently debating over wheither to be extremly angry at the author for a satire based on my favorite childhood (and to be honest, Adulthood. *smiles* Hey what can I say, I love children books! *shrugs* That fact among others have people convinced I'm an eight year old hiding behind an adult body) book or being highly amused. While I'm deciding, I figured I vote for one option that didn't have a vote...and wait for the general chaos to ensue. Either way, I'm finding rottent tomatoes and some popcorn...just in case  .
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Shady Stoat
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| Posted: Wed Dec 09, 2009 8:09 am Post subject: |
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A revenge vote. I like it!
Welcome to the party Mirel. Mmmmmm, popcorn....
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Fri Dec 11, 2009 6:37 am Post subject: |
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| C'mon guys, meat and 2 veg! Meat and 2 veg!
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Lebrenth
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| Posted: Mon Dec 14, 2009 5:04 pm Post subject: |
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Shucks, I missed the vote. Well, let's split up then. Maybe we'll lose our snitch (he's dead weight. We can rescue him later).
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Shady Stoat
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| Posted: Wed Dec 16, 2009 9:10 am Post subject: |
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Chapter Two: Splitting Headache
Goat man or sleigh bells? Lia froze, trying to weigh up the options. Her instincts were to run after the creature and find out what the hell was going on here. If he was half as smart as he was well endowed, there'd be plenty of profit in a long, hard talk with him. And if he wasn't... well, other things than conversation could be made long and hard. Especially if he had a brother or a cousin to make it into a real party.
On the other hand, the goat-man was leaving tracks. Ones that she could follow at a later date if she chose. If she didn't head for the sound of the sleigh bells, they would disappear for good. That opportunity would be lost forever. This place, crazy as it was, really existed – and that meant possibilities as yet unimagined! Dreams of Caribbean islands suddenly seemed small and insignificant compared to whole worlds of well hung natives and all the happy dust you could sell.
Talking of happy dust...
"Sammy, get up!"
"I am, I am."
"I mean up out of the snow, not up high out-of-your-face!" she snapped. Reaching down, she grabbed him by the arm and hauled. Then, when that didn't work, she took a handful of his hair and pulled his face out of the snow.
He yelped and scrambled to his feet. She made a snap decision.
"Come on, we're going to see what that noise is."
"But my trousers..."
"Shut up. Follow me."
Lia took off, head low. She kept behind the undergrowth as far as possible, ducking and weaving between the trees as she sprinted toward the sound of the jangling bells.
The tree branches twisted into and around one another, obscuring her view and making progress tough. She tried not to inhale as the passage of her body dislodged the snow from the boughs. The last thing she needed was both of them unable to count how many fingers they had on each hand, or holding conversations with their invisible squirrel friends!
Meanwhile, the bell sounds seemed no closer than they had been. She found herself wondering if they were real or whether she was just imagining them. Perhaps they weren't sleigh bells at all. In a world that came out of the backside of a wardrobe, who was to say anything made sense? The noise could be two birds mating. The fruit of a bell-tree, blowing in the breeze. A festive badger with a boom-box and an accompanying choir, even!
Just as she was beginning to doubt her initial choice, the woods ended. Not in a gradual thinning out of the trees, though. As sudden as one step to the next, she found herself in long, turquoise grass up to her knees. The smell of it was sharp, almost bitter. Like the aroma you got when opening the types of wine bottles that came free with cheap indian takeaways. Through watering eyes, she looked around.
There was a path ahead, running parallel to her and wreathed in thin mist. A brightly painted wagon was edging along... backwards. There were seven rather grubby looking dwarves harnessed by intricate livery, to the front of it. They backed up, a step at a time, straining against their leather harnesses with sweat-slick skin and bulging muscles. At the back end, an eighth perched on the tail end of the wagon, a stick with bells on in one hand, a wooden megaphone in the other. He repeated the same routine, over and over, with all the joy of someone facing major root canal surgery.
Jinglejinglejingle.... "This vehicle is reversing"... jinglejinglejingle... "This vehicle is reversing"...
Meanwhile, the top of the carriage was being ridden by another creature of sanity-stretching description.
Lia gaped, trying to work out what she was seeing. The... thing!... had a muscular body and large frame. It was clothed in boots and loincloth and looked mostly human, except for the thin covering of sandy fur over its flesh. But its head was not human. It was... a moose? No – a reindeer, maybe – complete with long nose, soft brown eyes and antlers. As it turned in her direction and opened its mouth, she was reminded of the horrible singing trophy-heads you got from joke shops. She just knew it was going to burst into some horrible Bing Crosby rendition at the drop of a hat. Complete with the buh-buh-buh-buhms!
Instead, it said, in a peevish and squeaky voice. "Well, don't just stand there! Come help me unload the cargo!"
"Err... what?" was the best Lia could manage on short notice.
"Come. And. Unload," it repeated. "Really – what do they pay you people for anyway? Are you new?"
"I... I don't know what you're talking about," she said. "We just got here. Wherever here is."
"We?"
Lia looked around. She rubbed at her eyes, feeling the first signs of a major headache emerging.
"Sammy!" she muttered. "You idiot!"
There was no sign of him. And behind her, she could see the first flakes of snow falling, beginning to cover up her prints.
~
"Three hours."
Morris gulped. The Shark was speaking in a low, pleasant voice. That was never good.
"Yes Sir. I'm sorry Sir. They wouldn't even confirm you were in the cells for the first two of them. Then they wanted us to fill in paperwork and..."
He smiled, showing off the wealth of gold fillings. Oh, someone was going to die today. Morris hoped it wasn't going to be him.
"They had me sitting in an eight-by-six for three hours, Morris. Asking me questions. Personal questions." Those cold eyes bored into the lawyer and he shivered, despite himself. "Remind me, son. What do I pay you for?"
"The time wasn't wasted, Sir," babbled the lawyer. "While I was trying to get you out, we managed to get to the security tapes in the warehouse. The cops never even knew they were there."
"Nor did anyone else, my boy," said the Shark. "And I would prefer it kept that way."
As the limousine driver finally pulled into the driveway of the Shark's mansion, the car slowed to a halt. Without the expression on his face changing even a little, the Shark drew out a gun from its hiding place in the car door panel, and shot the driver in the back of the skull. Morris yelped, the thwupp of the silenced bullet echoing around and around his brain. The sight of blood and brains, dripping down the windscreen, was an image he knew would wake him up at four in the morning, for years to come. And yet a sneaky part of him felt relief. The Shark rarely killed twice in a row. Better the limo driver than himself!
"There." The Shark said. "A secret once more. You were saying?"
Morris forced his lips to move. "The... the tapes. Umm.... yes. I went through them personally. There's something you should see."
"Then let us see, by all means. I shall be with you directly, as soon as I find Henry."
"H-Henry?"
"My butler." At Morris's blank expression, the Shark raised his eyebrows. "Someone has to valet my car."
~
Half an hour later, Morris and the Shark sat in the mobster's viewing room as the tape told its tale. The Shark took the remote control and, with steady hands, wound it back.
"... stole the money, okay?" He press rewind, sending the pretty accountant a little further back this time. "Whatever they did, I could undo. I'm his accountant, remember? I stole the money, okay? Yeah, me."
Morris watched as the Shark replayed the same scene. Six, seven, eight, nine times. Then he went back to the part where the shifty guy – Sammy, was it? - had admitted telling the police where next week's dock run was taking place. He viewed that with similar fascination. Oh yes. Someone was going to die – if not today, then very soon.
"This saddens me, Morris."
"Yes Sir. I mean, me too Sir."
"Disloyalty. It's a terrible thing."
"Yes Sir."
"When will they be free from their questioning?"
Morris opened his mouth. "Err... questioning?"
"They are with the police, are they not?"
"No Sir. My informant tells me they never came out of the warehouse."
"And what does the tape say?"
"Sir, I only had time to watch it to the point of the girl's confession. With you being in police custody, I felt it prudent not to..."
In a single economical finger gesture, the Shark conveyed to Morris two clear options. Either stop talking or lose the tongue. The same finger came down to press the play button on the remote control. This time, the tape ran on to watch two muzzy figures disappearing into one of the cabinets.
Morris and his boss watched as the police scoured the auction house, inch by inch. Not a stone was unturned, not a piece of furniture left unexamined. Including the hiding place of the accountant and the snitch.
"Either they bribed someone to overlook them," breathed Morris, "Or..."
"Or something requires a closer look." The Shark clapped his hand against the arm of his chair, making Morris jump. "Have the police finished their business in my meeting room?"
"They're still at the auction house, Sir. I think they're searching the place for signs of drugs. And stolen property. And..."
The Shark smiled indulgently. "I'm sure they'll tire of their entertainment presently. Please inform me when they have ceased activity there. I believe I'll take a look into this matter... personally."
Morris found himself wondering whether the Shark hired warehouse valets too.
~
"My trousers," repeated Sammy at Lia's retreating back.
He blinked, wondering whether to follow her.
Get up Sammy. Follow me Sammy. Shut up Sammy. You can't do anything right, can you Sammy?
His jaw set. She didn't respect him. After all he'd done for her – the job he'd secured for her, the success he'd made of his own business, the powerful friends he'd acquired – she still thought he was nothing.
A man deserved better than that. He deserved a sister who looked up to him. He deserved to be told about operations involving stolen money before he got picked up by the police and questioned about them. He deserved...
He looked down at himself and frowned, trying to focus. A pair of pale stalks with knobbly knees was all the reward he got for his efforts. Even he couldn't respect a man with milk-bottle legs poking out beneath his shirt.
"Trousers," he said, with wobbly certainty. "That's what I deserve. Yes indeedy. Trousers. Then reshpeckt."
With an involuntary giggle, he began to weave a path in pursuit of the goat man.
Snow came up past the top of his shoes and nestled on the fabric of his socks as he stumbled on. It should have been cold, but it wasn't. It had all the chill of English beer, and all the flavour of English cooking. Just to be sure, though, he checked the fact, frequently and conscientiously. The trees got more populous and denser as he ran, although that could have been down to the triple vision. He was pretty sure the balloon-waving orang-utans in football shirts were just in his imagination – but he waved as he passed, just in case.
It is said that fortune favours the young, the innocent and the terminally stupid. Sammy was definitely at least one of the three. At no point, however, does it say how long it takes for Fortune to get her act together. Sammy zigzagged back and forth, shouting alternate pleas and threats about his trousers for what seemed like hours, before a new smell came to his attention. It drew him, screaming at his stomach juices like an overzealous Sergeant Major at Boot Camp.
Something was cooking. And Sammy hadn't eaten in... well, it had to be hours!
He stumbled toward the smell and found himself standing outside three log cabins. He blinked hard, and it became, momentarily at least, just a single cabin again. The delicious aroma was coming from in there.
He raised a hand to knock, and paused. A reluctant brain cell fired into life, and an idea sparked. He crept, as quietly and not-falling-over-his-own-feet-ly as he could, to the side of the cabin. High on the side wall, there was a round window, with strangely sparkling glass. Blue shutters were open on either side, standing out at right angles to the wall.
Holding onto one of the logs for balance, Sammy pressed his eye into the gap between the wooden shutter hinge and the log wall it was attached to. He peered into the cabin and his eyes widened.
The goat man was there – and he had company. Stirring the cauldron in the corner of the room was an orange furred goat lady, with curly hair and a pointed chin. Like the goat man, she didn't wear clothes. Her breasts were unfettered and perky – all six of them! A smaller goat-child suckled at one of the lower ones, and other young goatlings played with each other on the floor.
For the first time, it occurred to Sammy that he might just be dreaming. Was he still in the police cell, having suffered a major nervous breakdown from the questioning? Or had he got on a bad high and imagined even that? He reached down, patted at his legs and then pinched himself hard on the thigh, just to make sure.
Ouch! Pain, and still no trousers. It was real, sure enough.
So what did he do now? He weighed the lure of getting his trousers back, and possibly getting some of whatever smelled so delicious, against the risks of becoming an bit part in Seven Goats for Seven Udders.
Where was a big sister to boss you around when you needed her?
===
In case people were wondering about what vote won, it was for Lia and Sammy to split up, with 3 votes out of 8
Just to be clear here, the DPs are for Lia and Sammy, not for the Shark. There will be two separate DPs, one for each since they're now separated. So, what do they do next?
Last edited by Shady Stoat on Wed Dec 16, 2009 2:04 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Wed Dec 16, 2009 9:32 am Post subject: |
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Haha, well for Lia, she must be dumbstruck beyond belief. Well, if she ignored him and carried on through the turquoise grass who knows what else she'd encounter. Plus, whatever needs unloading might be more useful contreband of another description.
If I were Lia, I'd be saying 'What the hell' and go along with it. Running back towards Sammy might not achieve anything, and she's not sure whether or not Reindeer Man or his eight dwarves might follow. Sounds like the dwarves are having a tough time of it though! Plus, if she helps Rudolph, she might gain an ally, something she could probably do with, right now.
For Sammy, well, he's currently out of his tree, and has the munchies. I should imagine he'd like nothing better than to sneak in unnoticed, take a ladle full of stew, steal his trousers back and sneak out again. However,whatever he attempts to do is likely to attract the attention of Goat man and his family. His brain is not exactly working well right now, so knocking on the door, or attempting to lure one of them outside or some other devious plan might not be obvious to him.
So with the jingle bells and snow still fresh in his mind, the most logical and sensible approach to his cunning plan, at least in his opinion would be to sneak in down the chimney. 
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scissorkitty
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| Posted: Wed Dec 16, 2009 10:16 am Post subject: |
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I think Lia, cocky and headstong like she is, should put on airs, and pretend to be some sort of overseer- sent to investigate the "hold up" of the Reindeer-Man and his Dwarf-driven wagon. She's hoping she can act enough like the Shark to bully her way into the contents of the wagon, without having to do any dirty work herself. I think Lia is much more of an "instructor" type, rather than a grunt.
Sammy.... i F5 Crunchy, he's probably not thinking very clearly. He might offer something else in TRADE for the trousers and some stew- perhaps he's thinking that his dress socks, or shirt, would be a better loss than his pants?
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Wed Dec 16, 2009 4:46 pm Post subject: |
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What an excellent SG Stoat! Loving every word!
I agree with CF that Lia would do best to just work her way into this world as an employee, for now. Who knows what wonders that might bring? (Funny to think of the reindeer driving the sleigh... awesome!)
As for Sammy, I'd say he's thinking so UNclearly that he forgets all about the trousers and the goat-people inside the house and notices his breath on the window, which prompts him to start drawing smiley faces in the condensation, which draws the goat-people's attention to him unwittingly. (though I like the idea of going down the chimney too!)
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
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DeadManWalking
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| Posted: Wed Dec 16, 2009 5:49 pm Post subject: |
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I do like the idea of him going down the chimney. It has fantastic potential for fun times.
And I do have to agree with Skitty that Lia would do better as management. She should try, anyways.
Sadly, I have nothing else to add. :-(
But good job Stoat!
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Shady Stoat
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| Posted: Fri Dec 18, 2009 3:24 am Post subject: |
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Loving the suggestions so far guys
I'll be putting the first poll up on sunday, so if anyone else has any suggestions, feel free to add them 
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Lebrenth
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| Posted: Fri Dec 18, 2009 8:13 am Post subject: Maybe not |
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I don't know, separate decisions for both? That sounds tricky. I would make the suggestion to reunite the two just for the convenience of the author... but then again, she's the one who decided to follow both characters at the same time.
All right, I'll just wait and vote. I'm curious how this will be managed. Anyway, if the reindeer actually pays the dwarves, I suppose it's not too humiliating to pretend to be an employee. Frankly, the snitch can end up in the stewing pot and I wouldn't mind, so he can go ahead and jump into the cabin and demand his pants back or search around the cabins. Maybe there's some kind of larder where they keep pants in food storage.
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Fri Dec 18, 2009 11:27 am Post subject: |
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Great SG Stoaty!
I think Lia should work for the reindeer for a while. Though he seems to be a bit of a miserable git, he doesn't seem totally unfriendly. So mabye she could find out a few things from him.
As for Sammy, if I was Lia, I'd ask the reindeer to help to look for him, then tie him up in a sack, and hang the sack up in a really high tree. He is such a pain in the arse, I'd just want him safely out of the way!
And that trick does work. I know from personal experience!
No, I'm just kidding! Or am I? 
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Smee
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| Posted: Fri Dec 18, 2009 3:31 pm Post subject: |
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Excellent chapter, Stoaty, I enjoy several hearty chuckles, especially at the badger!
Lia I think isn't going to be interested in any hard labour, as has already been mentioned. I think, given the strangeness of what's happening, she'll subconsciously fall back on her training as an accountant, and declare herself here for an audit, demanding the Rudolph unload the cart himself and be quick about it, she doesn't have all day.
Sammy is going to think it's an excellent plan, given his recent experiences, to head up to the door, knock assertively, and then declare himself a policeman investigating a theft.
As the door opens and he reaches for his wallet in his trouser pocket, to flash it failingly as a police badge, he's going to then remember what had been stolen, doh! If only his squirrel friends had reminded him.
Happy Writing
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| Posted: Sun Dec 20, 2009 3:17 am Post subject: |
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Nice chapter Stoast!
Well, I can't really add anything to the suggestions already made. Lia may as well stay on, but as Smee said, give herself a promotion!
And knocking on the door is the way to go for Sammy, maybe asking if they'd seen any miscreant with an extra pair of pants recently!
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Shady Stoat
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| Posted: Mon Dec 21, 2009 9:17 am Post subject: |
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Poll's up for Sammy. Vote or he dies! (Lebby, come back here right now!) 
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Mon Dec 21, 2009 4:36 pm Post subject: |
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| Thunderbird wrote: | | Ho ho... broke a tie! |
Ha! I'll see you break and raise another tie!
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Lebrenth
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| Posted: Mon Dec 21, 2009 4:46 pm Post subject: |
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| Shady Stoat wrote: | | Poll's up for Sammy. Vote or he dies! (Lebby, come back here right now!) |
Only because I want to see what trouble Sammy gets into. You can count on me to sabotage Sammy at every opportunity!
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Shady Stoat
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| Posted: Tue Dec 22, 2009 2:06 am Post subject: |
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I can work with that as a voting concept Lebs. Bring it on
And remember, even the lowliest worm has the capacity to churn silk out of its bottom. Sammy may yet turn out to have all the potential of that worm
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Lebrenth
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| Posted: Tue Dec 22, 2009 10:05 am Post subject: Sammy the Snitch |
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| Shady Stoat wrote: | I can work with that as a voting concept Lebs. Bring it on
And remember, even the lowliest worm has the capacity to churn silk out of its bottom. Sammy may yet turn out to have all the potential of that worm |
That's true, and they can also become the wonderful product at this link: Sammy
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Shady Stoat
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| Posted: Thu Dec 24, 2009 1:38 am Post subject: |
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Right. Sammy's going to knock on the door and demand reshpeckt. And his trousers. And a ladle full of that delicious smelling stuff as well while you're at it. And maybe a bit of what that young goat's having... or maybe not.
Next poll's up over Christmas. What will our fair Lia do next? All yours ladies and gents.
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Judge Frollo
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| Posted: Thu Dec 24, 2009 7:39 am Post subject: |
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Delightfully mad, I like it.
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Shady Stoat
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| Posted: Thu Dec 24, 2009 8:20 am Post subject: |
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| Thanks Frollo - and welcome to the asylum
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| What's the question burning on Sammy's lips? |
| Who else lives around here - and for the love of god, why? |
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23% |
[ 3 ] |
| Why do you all live in the back of a wardrobe? |
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7% |
[ 1 ] |
| Where can I find me a good tree harvest? And what's this about the old land? |
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15% |
[ 2 ] |
| I want history! Wars, Kings, major disasters, annual rainfall. Tell me everything! |
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0% |
[ 0 ] |
| Why is everyone in this land a freak? Sorry, I mean, where are the other humans? |
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15% |
[ 2 ] |
| No questions. Just stay with me, I can't handle this alone! |
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30% |
[ 4 ] |
| Stoaty's corner, do not pass go, do not collect £200 |
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7% |
[ 1 ] |
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| Total Votes : 13 |
| Who Voted: Chinaren, Crunchyfrog, D-Lotus, Ingrothechundyer, Judge Frollo, Lebrenth, Masterweaver, Phantomfan, scissorkitty, Shady Stoat, Smee, The White Blacksmith, Tikanni Corazon |
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