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Vikas Muralidharan
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 Posted: Mon Sep 13, 2010 10:25 pm Post subject: HellOnEarth: Prologue |
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It was raining, yet burning
That feeling would not make sense to anyone except John.
A woman screamed somewhere in the distance as heat singed John's face. The woman scooped him up in her arms and ran across fire. "Robert, take him" she screamed and suddenly John was flying through the air. He was caught by a burly man who bolted out of the house without waiting for the woman. John was made to rest in a car. The man named Robert kissed John on his forehead and said "Daddy will be back in a minute" and bolted back into the burning building.... 2 seconds later, the building exploded
John woke up from that nightmare again. Robert was his father and the woman, Christie was his mom. Every single night for the 14 years of his life, he woke up to that explosion and every single night, he woke up not knowing where he was. He now squinted at the building directly ahead of him. People from many nations were pointing excitedly at the building and taking photographs. "So much for a leaning building that could fall anytime" he snorted. No one realized how true what he said was....
A second later, the famous 'leaning building' mysteriously imploded in front of the tourists and a red-faced police officer was pointing at Jake and screaming "Cattura quel ragazzo! Ha appena detto che la torre potrebbe cadere in qualsiasi momento! Catturarlo!" which was the Italian equivalent for "Get that kid! He just said that the tower could fall anytime! Get him!!!" and for the first time in his life, John was running away from the police for problems other than immigration papers...
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Smee
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| Posted: Wed Sep 15, 2010 2:45 am Post subject: |
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A rather brief, but somewhat intriguing beginning.
It seems a little implausible that as the Tower explodes the Policeman is paying attention to what some boy is saying in English, when he seemingly only speaks Italian and has far more important matters to be concerned with - like giant pieces of rubble not falling on his head, burning tourists to rescue - although saying that, I'm not sure an implosion would cause such things. *Shrugs*
I think you could afford much more detail, suspense, and build up in this prologue and still have it be just as dramatic. There's no hurry to the implosion.
Happy Writing 
_________________
The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
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Vikas Muralidharan
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| Posted: Fri Sep 17, 2010 11:08 pm Post subject: |
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guess i need to defend my story now don't I? The policeman heard the boy say it before the tower implodes and if u didnt realize it by now, the tower is the leaning tower of pisa so obvi. he didnt give it a second thought. and he was alertin his colleagues in italian, its not that he doesnt speak english....
But ya thnx for the reply and feedback.... 
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Hak
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| Posted: Wed Oct 26, 2011 6:54 pm Post subject: |
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I aggree with smee about the officer blaming him, but to counter that: it's a plot point.
Perhaps if you ellaborated a bit, like 'John said to no one in particular, "So much for a leaning building that could fall anytime," and pointed with his forefinger and thumb in a sideways L, "Bang." As always, John's timing was perfect, and as he said, the tower began to fall.'
Again, wonderful. You have my attention.
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Fear is only overanxiety over the future
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