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Kalyssa Summers
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 Posted: Sat Jun 04, 2011 3:30 am Post subject: Knife Butterflies |
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“Charesima, I wanted to leave not this way, but by your side” - Hannah Sanderson, in a letter to Vondra Anderson
Water. She felt water ripple down from her temple to her arms. She felt water, born of her body, trace the lines of her back, showcasing her fair skin in a sun glow, gently circulating around her swelling globes. She shook her skirt out gently, to let the skin breathe. She shielded her face, shook out her heavy, frizzled brown hair and squinted her solemn, thousand-year eyes towards a sun with frisky rays. There was a cool breeze and yet the sun played fiercely. That was typical of any of days here.
Anxiety. She felt a sudden, dully painful jab just to the left of her spine, precisely level with her heart, on the other side of its ribbed encasement. She arched on herself instinctively to rid herself of this. Settling down, her thoughts wandered down where it was wont to- and again she felt a tightness around her breasts, seeming to come at the very center, and she breathed in a rapid manner and shook herself again. Her fingers inched under her thin-strapped camisole and dug into the rash that had developed thanks to her scratching. Immediately she found she didn’t have to be so rigid and her chest released, and she found satisfaction in her nails even though her skin became more aggressively grafted. Her anxiety self-attacks were brutality that was graceful and almost satisfying and she wanted to both stop and not stop it. Right now more about not stopping it. That, too, was a constant companion, typical of any of her days here.
Vondra’s body perfused in sweat because she was sitting outside her dorm rooms in New Jersey in August and her anxiety attacked her with a vengeance because of the words written on a letter in her hand. The words said that she, Vondra Sanderson (but all her friends liked to call her Vonnie), nineteen-year-old freshman at Kendall University, no longer had parents, and that she and her twin sister were each given endowments to help them for the next five years-
On the condition that she followed instructions to find a metal box, buried in her mother’s “secret mirage home” in New York City where she would find the promised endowment and something that the State was owed.
Her hands trembled as she read and re-read the letter, which consisted of two pages, one from the cool inkjet of her family lawyer’s office introducing the grievous news and explaining the general terms of the will, and the second page an obviously well-prepared letter from Hannah Sanderson, her mother, bearing instructions. The Sandersons worked as diplomats in the U.S. State Department and they had died on the job.
A paragraph started, “Charesima, we only asked Paul to forward this to you if it was clear to him that we had not returned the item; we did not want to involve you girls. Unfortunately as I write this you both are the only ones no one will suspect to have or know of the items. Each of you must find the items separately and find a way to return the items separately. Trust Paul and his family- they will help you but they cannot finish the quest with or for you.”
Vonnie drank feverishly from a lukewarm water bottle and closed her eyes after reading this. She was fragile and not made for adventuring, unlike her sister who was as lean as she was but fit and athletic. She suffered from anxiety attacks that meant that she could not operate in high pressure situations alone. How could Maman expect her to finish this?
However, her fragility hid a stout, giant bravery and a calculating mind that raced even as her body labored to relax. She snapped straight and then splashed the remaining quart of water on her sweltering head and then swiveled her hips and entered the building purposely, her heavy hair leaving a trail of blessing on the concrete porch floor.
The instructions said that there were two ways to begin. Either look at the map enclosed in the envelope or contact Paul Hasello, the family’s long-time lawyer. The Hasellos were friendly with her parents but she distrusted both Paul and Ben (short for Benedict, the son of Paul Hassello), because many times Ben betrayed many of her innocent soul-secrets as a child and Paul did nothing to chastise his son.
Should Vonnie strike out independently by reading the map?
Or should she take a risk and go see the Hassellos?
Let me know your thoughts and critiques below!
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| Posted: Sat Jun 04, 2011 4:09 am Post subject: |
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She should go independantly. *Nods*  Very good story! Loved reading a calm story for once. 
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Sat Jun 04, 2011 8:28 am Post subject: |
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A nice, light start. I'll get to more in depth critiquing later. For now, I'll just say, you have gotten my attention and I'm looking forward to more!
As for the DP, I'm thinking she needs a heads up before heading off following the map... that said, it wouldn't stop me from taking a look at the map first, and then making a copy to bring with me when I go to confer with these people.
_________________
      
 CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...  
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Sat Jun 04, 2011 8:47 am Post subject: Re: Knife Butterflies |
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Wow, great chapter! You asked in the Inn yesterday for me to give a crit of your story, so here it is. Very little wrong, just a couple of phrasings really. Sorry if it seems harsh.
| Kalyssa Summers wrote: | | thousand-year eyes |
This implies that she's actually a thousand years old. Unless she actually is, you might want to change it to something like "Eyes that seemed to age/have aged a thousand years".
| Kaly wrote: |
She arched on herself instinctively to rid herself of this. Settling down, her thoughts wandered down where it was wont to- |
The first time, I'm not sure why the word 'on' is in there. Typo? The second time, 'it' should be 'they', as you're talking about thoughts plural. However, the whole sentence needs clarifying for me, as I can't really tell where her thoughts are wandering to, whether they're settling (as would be implied by the fact that they're wont to go to this place) or what.
| Kaly wrote: |
Vondra’s body perfused in sweat |
Perhaps change 'perfused' here? I think something like 'soaked' would do just as well. Oh, and you need a 'was' because it's passive.
| Kaly wrote: | next five years-
On the condition |
I don't think you should have started a new paragraph here.
| Kaly wrote: | | "Charesima," "Maman" |
What language is this? I know 'Maman' as a French familiar form of mother, but I don't know where Charesima is from, and a quick google turns up no results. Is it just a private term in the family?
| Quote: | | you both are the only ones no one will suspect to have or know of the items. |
Wait... their parents had these items, then they died, but they assume no-one will think to check those relatives who were given items in the will? Not a grammar issue so much as that this needs a bit more explaination to make sense logically.
| Quote: | | her fragility hid a stout, giant bravery |
You've just gone out of your way to point out that she is a very nervous person, and thinks she's not at all adventurous. How does this tally with a bravery? If you are switching suddenly to an omniscient narrator, you need to make it clearer and not so sudden. I'm also not sure that 'stout' and 'giant' are good words to use to describe courage. Perhaps 'firm, resilent' instead?
| Quote: | | She snapped straight and then splashed the remaining quart of water on her sweltering head and then swiveled her hips and entered the building purposely, her heavy hair leaving a trail of blessing on the concrete porch floor. |
Woah! A bit too much polysyndaton here, I think. It's fine to have one conjunction, but they slow down a sentence that should read swiftly, as she should seem to be acting decisively. The part about her hair leaving a trail also confused me. I think you mean her hair is dripping, but I just think referring to the water as 'blessing' is over-the top.
| Quote: | | but she distrusted both Paul and Ben (short for Benedict, the son of Paul Hassello), because many times Ben betrayed many of her innocent soul-secrets as a child and Paul did nothing to chastise his son. |
This whole bit just needs expansion. Give us a flashback of Ben betraying her, give us Paul defending him and claiming "No son of mine would ever do that! Your daughter must be lying!" You're giving us a choice in the DP based on a pretty scanty line, and you're not really giving us a reason why she should go to the Hassellos.
As for the DP... yeah, follow the map. Maybe contact her sister and see whether she's got a similar letter? I know it says they must find the items separately, but they should still at least be able to console each other in their grief.
_________________
Tea Cures All.
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Shillelagh
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| Posted: Sat Jun 04, 2011 12:20 pm Post subject: |
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Hmmm... yeah, I'm with WB. Take a look at the map- but there's no need to go alone just yet. The items must be found and returned seperately... but until then, we can talk to our sister and compare notes. Or maybe we have adventerous friends who'd like to go with us?
_________________
Ihniwid Chapter 5 is up- find it here!
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HalfEmptyHero
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| Posted: Sat Jun 04, 2011 12:47 pm Post subject: |
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You have quite a few run-on sentences, and use far too many commas. There is nothing wrong with using periods, I can assure of that  Short, simple sentences can often work wonders in writing if done properly.
As for the decision point, a smart person would never trust a lawyer. Although the evil lawyer is a bit cliched and over done. I can't think of a soul on this planet that wouldn't read the map alone, so I say do that. The lawyers can come into play at any time.
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Sat Jun 04, 2011 1:37 pm Post subject: |
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White Blacksmith...
What are we going to do about you?
You realize of course, with THAT great crit, you've completely lost any excuse NOT to post a story of your own, right? 
_________________
CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Sat Jun 04, 2011 7:23 pm Post subject: |
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I agree with what WB said. Great Crit there!
Read the map alone, would be my suggestion for the DP. No need to go and find any lawyer. Try to get this done as soon as possible, and yes, the lawyer can come in anytime if we want him to.
_________________
The eyes are useless if the mind is blind.
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Kalyssa Summers
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| Posted: Sun Jun 05, 2011 9:23 am Post subject: |
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YAY YAY YAY!
OMG I love the comments and critiques and WB thank you so much for the big crit!!!
I'm going to wait one more day (or two?) and then poll.
I'll respond to all of you individually today or tomorrow too. Right now at this very hour I just feel like replying to PMs I haven't had chance to reply to, and reading other people's stories and playing other Ifians' Story Games, and responding to other Ifian stuff. I'll start with you all and see if I can't catch up to y'all's stories 
The one question I have is, regarding SG playing rules-- given the critiques everyone (especially WB) gave, am I allowed to go back and change the post? Or is it the rule that I either defend my choices (if it is a style or word choice, for example) or make the changes in a subsequent post?
@WB Either way I may PM you later! 
_________________
_______________________________________________________
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The Three Phrase Law / Aisle3 Siren (DR, Lover's Court)
Love. Beauty. Inner Whole.
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Sun Jun 05, 2011 9:44 am Post subject: |
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No, you're fine to edit it in. If you think you have good reason for something, feel free to defend it - can lead to very interesting debates, and we'll all learn something.
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Ingrothechundyer
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| Posted: Sun Jun 05, 2011 9:49 am Post subject: |
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| The White Blacksmith wrote: | | No, you're fine to edit it in. If you think you have good reason for something, feel free to defend it - can lead to very interesting debates, and we'll all learn something. |
I second WB on this. Please edit it in as I know that when I'm reading if the chapter is done I only read the chapters and skip the cometary until I'm caught up.
If you are doing major edits that effect the story (like adding the requested flashback) it would be a good idea to edit it in and post the changes here as well so people playing the current chapter see what you did.
_________________
My account may have been deleted but my completed SG is still there...
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Sun Jun 05, 2011 4:54 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Kalyssa! A belated welcome to IF! Would have got to it sooner, but I've been focused on something else, and now I'm paying for it, as I've got to try and catch up with everything I've missed.
This is a very good, albeit short beginning. You have a very descriptive way of writing, which could possibly be toned down slightly (don't worry, I used to do it all the time ), but it's still a good ability to have.
I personally didn't notice the over-use of commas, but then I do over-use them myself, so I mightn't be quite so apt to notice them as being problematic.
The only thing I would really say your chapter needs is a little more bulk. It is a short chapter, with plenty going on in it, but could benefit from more information being given at certain parts. Much in the fashion as what Whitey suggested in the final part of her critique. A little more about the Hassellos would be great, in in the way that was suggested, in flashback, it would give us readers a true insight into why Vondra doesn't trust them, as well as giving your story that little bit more flesh on it's very well constructed bones.
Aside from that, Whitey seems to have caught all of the typos/things that need working on, in her fabulous crit!
For the dp, as we have no information other than the fact that she doesn't trust them, definitely go with the map. Plus I've found that it's always best not to trust the seemingly friendly, well-intentioned family friend when it comes to such things. They always turn out to be fiendish betrayers.
Keep up the good work, Kalyssa! 
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
 
 
  
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Andolyn
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| Posted: Sun Jun 05, 2011 8:31 pm Post subject: |
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hey!! this is great!! i really like it so far. =) your imagery and use of metaphors strikes a familiar and happy string with me. haha
for the DP i'd say let's look at the map and see what Paul has to say. mother seemed to put a great deal of trust in him, so he could end up being quite an asset.
way to go! cant wait to read more!
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Emperor
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| Posted: Mon Jun 06, 2011 5:28 pm Post subject: Re: Knife Butterflies |
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A good start Kalyssa, there is good potential in this story and your writing shows promise. As Cren said, it has caught my eye. I only have a few things to point out, and of course take any crits that I have with a grain of salt - if you find they are useful use them, if not just disregard.
| Kalyssa Summers wrote: | | Water. She felt water ripple down from her temple to her arms. She felt water, born of her body, trace the lines of her back |
I liked the way this was written, good description with plenty of attention to the necessary little details.
| Kalyssa Summers wrote: | | She felt a sudden, dully painful jab just to the left of her spine, precisely level with her heart, on the other side of its ribbed encasement. |
This is more of a style over preference kind of thing. In my opinion the last part of this sentence is not necessary. I would get rid of everything from ",on the other side of its ribbed encasement." It's a nice detail but for me it slow down the reading. I could be alone in that opinion.
| Kalyssa Summers wrote: | | , and she found satisfaction in her nails even though her skin became more aggressively grafted. Her anxiety self-attacks were brutality that was graceful and almost satisfying |
Good stuff here, it really allows us to get in her head and understand how strong an affliction her anxiety is.
| Kalyssa Summers wrote: | | However, her fragility hid a stout, giant bravery and a calculating mind that raced even as her body labored to relax. |
Lines like this allow me as a reader to see past the characters self-criticism and allow me to see her strengths and give us the chance to cheer those strengths on as they appear later.
| Kalyssa Summers wrote: | | The words said that she, Vondra Sanderson (but all her friends liked to call her Vonnie), |
I would take out the stuff in the parentheses, and show this through actual dialog with another character who is her friend. Or if she identifies with Vonnie as a person just simply have her call her self by that nickname like you to just a little bit later.
Well I hope you found this helpful, looking forward to more.
_________________
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one. - Baltasar Gracian
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Kalyssa Summers
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| Posted: Mon Jun 06, 2011 6:42 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, I'm here and replying and editing. Will take a while to reply to all and do edits.... Look for your name in blue! Tried to make it as easy to read as is possible.
Here I go! =D Starting from the top....
@BBS
Whewt first one!!! =D Thank you for reply!!!
@Thunderbird
Thank you sir!!! Looking forward to your edits!
@WB:
| Quote: |
The first time, I'm not sure why the word 'on' is in there. Typo? The second time, 'it' should be 'they', as you're talking about thoughts plural. However, the whole sentence needs clarifying for me, as I can't really tell where her thoughts are wandering to, whether they're settling (as would be implied by the fact that they're wont to go to this place) or what. |
RE: "Thousand year eyes"- that is intentional but I lacked the background story apparently. Now I know I can do a prequel, which I think I'll just slip in the post, prior to the story start. And yes oops "on" is typo. Changing "it" to "they" accordingly!
| Quote: |
Perhaps change 'perfused' here? I think something like 'soaked' would do just as well. Oh, and you need a 'was' because it's passive. |
'Perfuse' I'd like to keep because I feel it is a lot more sensual than a plainer word. I want constant reminders of her femininity. Adding 'was' however!!
On the break starting "On the condition", I was going for a stylistic emphasis on the horror that she feels. I think I'll try to find another way though.
| Quote: | | What language is this? I know 'Maman' as a French familiar form of mother, but I don't know where Charesima is from, and a quick google turns up no results. Is it just a private term in the family? |
I must have misspelled it. It's an Italian affectionate term. I'll just delete it- I don't have time to check it. Thanks for the catch!
| Quote: |
Wait... their parents had these items, then they died, but they assume no-one will think to check those relatives who were given items in the will? Not a grammar issue so much as that this needs a bit more explaination to make sense logically. |
Oh yes, sorry, but that was done on purpose. The explanation is forthecoming.
| Quote: |
You've just gone out of your way to point out that she is a very nervous person, and thinks she's not at all adventurous. How does this tally with a bravery? If you are switching suddenly to an omniscient narrator, you need to make it clearer and not so sudden. I'm also not sure that 'stout' and 'giant' are good words to use to describe courage. Perhaps 'firm, resilent' instead? |
Oops! You're right! Fixing that too!
| Quote: |
Woah! A bit too much polysyndaton here, I think. It's fine to have one conjunction, but they slow down a sentence that should read swiftly, as she should seem to be acting decisively. The part about her hair leaving a trail also confused me. I think you mean her hair is dripping, but I just think referring to the water as 'blessing' is over-the top. |
Good point! I'll fix that..as for the hair leaving a trail thing....I want a constant reminder of her femininity hence that. I would like to keep that for that reason.
| Quote: |
This whole bit just needs expansion. Give us a flashback of Ben betraying her, give us Paul defending him and claiming "No son of mine would ever do that! Your daughter must be lying!" You're giving us a choice in the DP based on a pretty scanty line, and you're not really giving us a reason why she should go to the Hassellos. |
I want to address that in the next coming chapters. This was meant as an intro really- I wasn't sure how long I should write.
@Shillelagh
Thank you for your response!! Your writing rocks! Enjoyed "Tempora Crepusculi" immensely!
@Half:
| Quote: | You have quite a few run-on sentences, and use far too many commas. There is nothing wrong with using periods, I can assure of that Laughing Short, simple sentences can often work wonders in writing if done properly.
As for the decision point, a smart person would never trust a lawyer. Although the evil lawyer is a bit cliched and over done. I can't think of a soul on this planet that wouldn't read the map alone, so I say do that. The lawyers can come into play at any time. |
 I'll look over again for the sentences....thanks! And thank you for your DP choice!
As I read in the forums I can see its common to do more than 2  .....and that makes sense otherwise where's the fun in that!
@Thunderbird:
Oh gracious Mayor you grace my little contribution twice! Thanks!! =D
| Quote: | White Blacksmith...
What are we going to do about you?
You realize of course, with THAT great crit, you've completely lost any excuse NOT to post a story of your own, right? |
He seems to be a rare Ifian- the genuine Reader, who only reads and critiques!
@Vishal:
Hi!! Thank you very much for contributing!!
@WB and @Ingro:
Thanks for the feedback regarding game rules!! @Ingro I'll definitely take you up on the suggestion!
@Tiki:
| Quote: |
This is a very good, albeit short beginning. You have a very descriptive way of writing, which could possibly be toned down slightly (don't worry, I used to do it all the time Wink), but it's still a good ability to have.
I personally didn't notice the over-use of commas, but then I do over-use them myself, so I mightn't be quite so apt to notice them as being problematic.
The only thing I would really say your chapter needs is a little more bulk. It is a short chapter, with plenty going on in it, but could benefit from more information being given at certain parts. Much in the fashion as what Whitey suggested in the final part of her critique. A little more about the Hassellos would be great, in in the way that was suggested, in flashback, it would give us readers a true insight into why Vondra doesn't trust them, as well as giving your story that little bit more flesh on it's very well constructed bones.
Aside from that, Whitey seems to have caught all of the typos/things that need working on, in her fabulous crit! |
Hey Tiki! It was fun at the Inn with you today! I love description- historically description and character development and expression are my strengths- but I know what you mean- there's a time and place for it.
Ditto on the bulk! Much thanks! <3
| Quote: | | Keep up the good work, Kalyssa! |
*Blush* thank you- honing my craft is very important to me!
@Andolyn:
Hey, hey girl:)! I love imagery. My most favorite works by anyone are lyrical and very full of images XD
Thank you for your input!!!
@Emperor:
| Quote: | A good start Kalyssa, there is good potential in this story and your writing shows promise. As Cren said, it has caught my eye. I only have a few things to point out, and of course take any crits that I have with a grain of salt - if you find they are useful use them, if not just disregard.
| Kalyssa Summers wrote: | | Water. She felt water ripple down from her temple to her arms. She felt water, born of her body, trace the lines of her back |
I liked the way this was written, good description with plenty of attention to the necessary little details. |
Thank you very much- did it strike with you a sense of sensuality? That was what I was going for.
| Quote: |
| Kalyssa Summers wrote: |
She felt a sudden, dully painful jab just to the left of her spine, precisely level with her heart, on the other side of its ribbed encasement. |
This is more of a style over preference kind of thing. In my opinion the last part of this sentence is not necessary. I would get rid of everything from ",on the other side of its ribbed encasement." It's a nice detail but for me it slow down the reading. I could be alone in that opinion. |
I'll take it out...I guess too much description haha!...Thank you! Ditto also on the anxiety attacks and her decision point-- thank you!
| Quote: |
| Kalyssa Summers wrote: |
The words said that she, Vondra Sanderson (but all her friends liked to call her Vonnie), |
I would take out the stuff in the parentheses, and show this through actual dialog with another character who is her friend. Or if she identifies with Vonnie as a person just simply have her call her self by that nickname like you to just a little bit later.
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I'll take it out. I still want her nickname introduced this early, but I'll work it in one of the other paragraphs.
You all are fantastic!!! Next two weeks: I'll try to catch up to one story each from each of you!! I'll update again and let you know when I'm done editing. Because some of the edits are large, I probably won't poll until Thursday or Friday now. Meantime all of my errors/lapses as we discussed above will be added by tomorrow! xxxoxxx
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The Three Phrase Law / Aisle3 Siren (DR, Lover's Court)
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Tue Jun 07, 2011 9:30 am Post subject: |
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| Kalyssa Summers wrote: |
| Quote: | | What language is this? I know 'Maman' as a French familiar form of mother, but I don't know where Charesima is from, and a quick google turns up no results. Is it just a private term in the family? |
I must have misspelled it. It's an Italian affectionate term. I'll just delete it- I don't have time to check it. Thanks for the catch!
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You don't need to delete it - use 'ma cherie'. It's the french equivalent, and according to Google Translate it's actually the Italian as well. Might I also take the opportunity to remind you of the existance of Linguistics Inc.? [/shameless advertising]
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Smee
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| Posted: Wed Jun 08, 2011 10:28 am Post subject: |
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Always happy to see a new Sci-fi story.
A good start and I agree with the many fine comments you've had. I'll be back with a full comment after your much anticipated edits.
Happy Writing
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Fri Jun 10, 2011 5:03 am Post subject: |
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| Indeed... I'm also waiting for the edited version!
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Mattheus
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| Posted: Fri Jun 10, 2011 2:48 pm Post subject: |
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Really enjoyed this story, I guess I agree with those who have said look at the map and not go with the lawyer. Although I'm sure he and his son will make an appearance later on and usually I've found in books and movies that childhood disliking of someone can turn into adult love.....
Just saying that's all
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Kalyssa Summers
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| Posted: Fri Jun 10, 2011 10:48 pm Post subject: |
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| Mattheus wrote: | Really enjoyed this story, I guess I agree with those who have said look at the map and not go with the lawyer. Although I'm sure he and his son will make an appearance later on and usually I've found in books and movies that childhood disliking of someone can turn into adult love.....
Just saying that's all |
Who knows the way of unwritten plot?!
 Picked up 2 freelance gigs all of a sudden, all with early deadlines next week! Sorry folks....I really think of my story everyday....
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