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Vishal Muralidharan
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 Posted: Sat Aug 13, 2011 8:09 am Post subject: Chasing A Fugitive Mind-Chapter 1 POLL CLOSED |
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Okay, I know that every attempt I have made to write a FULL SG here has been futile, because I still haven't gotten used to letting writers control my story, but I am going to try and finish this one.
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Chapter 1
Nearly four years had passed since Fabian Weise had called it quits and was awarded The Fabian Gardens, which was named in honour of himself, but his character hadn't changed at all. The sun still rose about only 30 minutes after he did, and it crept into the living room of his bungalow, which was furnished and decorated almost exactly the same way since he first walked into it. At heart though, Fabian Weise, 27, was still the ever-active CBI intelligence officer.
Did I say "called it quits"? Read that as "forced to call it quits". Medical clearance after 26/11 was a no-go, and he was politely asked to get out of the CBI. They were, of course, very thankful for what he had done for the nation, but sometimes, surviving a bullet to the head meant that you had to lose your job. "He was very lucky" the doctor had said on every occasion, but he was always quick to add, "I don't know how long his brain will continue to be stable and function in the required manner."
Like I said, nearly four years had passed, and Fabian still felt intelligent and capable of solving 5 star rated Sudoku puzzles within 2 minutes, and he had decided that he would continue doing his detective work on a private basis if the government wouldn't take his services.
There were no signs that the place had changed much. If you had walked in 4 years earlier and walked in just 3 minutes back, you would notice nothing different about the place, partly because you would be allowed to see only the living room. If you were a really observant person, the photographs on the mantelpiece would reveal to you how much things have changed since four years ago, and that could be very useful in understanding an otherwise hard to read character of Fabian.
So, the Fabian Spy-Eye agency had been in operation for about 6 months, and till date had a 100% success rate. Fabian worked with 4 other assistants, who lived along with him in The Fabian Gardens, and several more evidence analysts, who would visit the makeshift office every day and work their butts off. If there was nothing to study, they would find new instruments they could use, and also go hunting for a proper office where they could work without the risk of disturbing their boss and his private life.
The bungalow, located in the middle of the gardens, had no sign of life.
Yet, Fabian was there, in the two-storied building. He woke up with a jolt, like always, and then fell on his back, trying to remember the wonderful dream he was having. Something to do with a guy whacking another guy's head with a toilet seat. Funnily enough, he had had the same dream the last night, and wasn't able to remember much just as soon as he woke up that time as well.
Fabian groped under his bed for his socks. Though he was living in a huge fancy bungalow now, he was still used to putting his shoes and his clothing under his bed, like he always did back in the huts of his village. Finding the socks, he pulled out a dead cockroach out of one before putting them neatly on top his bed.
After taking a quick shower, Fabian put on his socks and climbed down the stairs to his living room, and settled himself down to watch some TV. Feeling very bored at the monotonous life he had for the past few weeks, he was half-hoping that there would some mysterious crime nearby, so that he could rush to the spot and exercise his brain.
Ten minutes of TV watching had yielded no results, so Fabian looked out at the rising sun. His assistants would wake up any moment now. Mumbling to himself, Fabian walked up to the kitchen to prepare some toast. That was all he could do anyway. A few days later, when the five of them were bored of toast, they would spend a week buying food from outside, and then they would switch back to toast. His inability to identify food often got Fabian in a very tight spot when he shouldn't be in one.
While 'preparing' the final toast, Fabian heard the smooth voice of Kennith Depp, a man with an average build. He had large biceps and was very athletic, and also was very, very brainy. That always makes for a great combination in humans. Kennith's green eyes and his charming nature earned him the nickname "Emerald" from his female friends, and frankly, Kennith didn't like it.
He preferred to be called by his given name, or just 'Ken' which was what stuck on everywhere.
"Dude!" Ken was calling out. "I think Steve ran away again."
"What?!" yelled Fabian, running towards the voice. Ken's jet black hair was awkwardly combed, but that was the least of Fabian's worries.
"Why does he keep doing that?!"
Fabian saw Ken stare at him. That was a stupid question. But, Ken would answer anyway.
"He's getting bored. We can take the boredom, Fab, but some people just can't" said Ken, his eyes shifting away from Fabian's now, "besides, I think I've hit breaking point myself now."
Fabian took a second to reply.
"Firstly, My name is Fabian, not 'Fab', and I am your boss. I agree that I am very VERY lenient, but my name is something I take seriously" Fabian said, pausing to allow Ken his chuckle.
"Secondly, I am really bored too. So what do you think we should be doing? Go looking for Steve, or kick back here? Something else you've got in mind?"
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Last edited by Vishal Muralidharan on Tue Aug 30, 2011 4:03 am; edited 3 times in total
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Sat Aug 13, 2011 2:41 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | Fabian groped under his bed for his socks. |
Clean ones I hope, though the dead cockroach doesn't make that look too promising. 
A good start, Vishal! There are a few paragraphs that could use a bit of work, but overall pretty well done, and I'm intrigued to know where the story is going too.
I found one little thing...
| Quote: | | So, the Fabian Spy-Eye agency had been in operation for about 6 months, and till date had a 100% success rate. |
Though I might possibly be wrong, I think this needs to be 'to' date. I've not heard the term 'till' date myself, but I could be wrong, like I said.
One thing that I would also say is to space your paragraphs out a little more. As it is, they're still too close, and it makes the writing look too bunched up. Try putting two spaces between each one. I had the same problem when I started on SS, so it's an easy enough thing to overlook.
As for the dp, I'm going to go with looking for Steve. It'll give us a chance not only to meet this new character (if they find him) but also a sense of where they are and the environment that they live in, and a clearer picture of 'who' Fabian and Kennith are.
Hope to see more soon, Vishal! 
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.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
 
 
  
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Sat Aug 13, 2011 7:42 pm Post subject: |
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| Tikanni Corazon wrote: |
Though I might possibly be wrong, I think this needs to be 'to' date. I've not heard the term 'till' date myself, but I could be wrong, like I said. |
Well, Google goes with me (and you)  Apparently, both terms are right, but I've never did think that I might be wrong. I really appreciate you bringing that up though, thank you! Okay, so spaced paragraphs. I'll do that to the next chapter.
Thank you for your suggestion, btw. It's the one that I am hoping will win
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warriorofdoom
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| Posted: Sun Aug 14, 2011 1:14 am Post subject: |
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Well, I agree with the first comment. Good start there!
For the DP, I'll have to say that they wake the other assistants up first, and then go looking for Steve in groups.
ANOTHER SUGGESTION--> Let Ken go look for Steve, and we stay back here, just in case someone approaches us with something.
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Signatures can be dreadfully boring to write out. Why am I even doing this? o.O
"Be the change you wish to see in the World"-Mahatma Gandhi.
"A revolution is not an apple that falls when it is ripe. You have to make it fall."-Ernesto Che Guevera
"Even in the valley of shodow of death, two and two do not make six." -Leo Tolstoy.
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Sun Aug 14, 2011 7:44 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, that's two more suggestion up there. Thank you WoD!
So, we have around 5 days for the suggestion period to end. If any of you have more ideas, get em in as soon as you can.
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Wed Aug 17, 2011 7:34 am Post subject: |
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*bumps thread*
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Sat Aug 20, 2011 1:45 am Post subject: |
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Just saying... Today is the last day of suggestion. SO if there are any ideas out there, throw em in! 
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Sun Aug 21, 2011 7:36 am Post subject: |
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Okaayy.. We're Polling!!
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Mon Aug 22, 2011 7:07 pm Post subject: |
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Broke a tie
I'm reading and enjoying. Short so far and don't yet have a full feel for the tale yet but I'm sure we'll get there I would also like to see you continue on those operatives but whenever you have the muse I suppose...
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 CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...  
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Tue Aug 23, 2011 3:57 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | I would also like to see you continue on those operatives but whenever you have the muse I suppose... |
:/
Yeah, Im on it. Words ain't flowing freely over there. Very important chapter I'm writing and it never turns up to be satisfactory. I SHOULD have had it up a month back, but it just didn't seem good enough, so I started over on that one.
Well, If Chapter 9 turns out to be a bit lame... I warned you. 
Lol, I'll try to get it up soon. Just not yet hit satisfaction with my chapter there, and hey. If I don't like it, I can't expect you guys to.
Also, thank you for your comment, and for breaking the tie. I appreciate that
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Tue Aug 30, 2011 3:49 am Post subject: |
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Poll closed!! Thank you to all those who voted. We had a clear majority on that one, and almost everyone pretty much agreed on what to do. (Except for me, but that's how SGs work)
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