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Alegria
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 Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2005 12:49 pm Post subject: Sojourner's Journey, Chapter 1 |
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Sojourner's Journey, chapter I
It was a hot and humid day, and all throughout the distant field people were fanning themselves with whatever they could find, sweating like a horse run through fifty races. All attention was focused on the one, the only one, not fanning himself, or even warm. The cold was from nothing more than nervousness, and he was thankful for the heavy clothes he wore, less he freeze to death.
"And finally, do you, Ouranicus Rofd Dinucus II, Sojourner in Waiting, son of the Rinosians, and rightful heir to this diadem, consent to the burden of leading your tribe’s journeys through the world we are stranded in, as the supreme Sojourner?"
"I do so take this burden."
"Doth thou, recently appointed high priest Zantos, comply with this young man as our new leader?" the words now went past Ouran, to another young man standing on his opposite side.
"I do so comply with his leadership."
"Then I hereby declare you as supreme Sojourner of the Rinosian tribe, Ouranicus Rofd Dinucus II, son of the Rinos, and new Sojourner."
The christening was over, and throughout the plain beneath the cathedral balcony, a great cheer rose, and applause, like unto a million thunderclaps rang out, to tell the world of this new leader, the youngest Sojourner in history.
That was the happiest day in a long time, but that was then, this is now.
Ouran gazed out the window and into the starlit sky. Tomorrow, they would move once again, to a new place, the last place before the tribe returned to their ruined city for the winter. But now, they were living in a tent, a marvelous tent, large enough to hold all one thousand Rinosians. They slept there, and performed their world famous shows for the masses of humans, to raise money to rebuild their city, without the magic. What was worse, they were running out of shows, a new one hadn't been thought of since the crystal was lost. Much to their eternal shame. Oh well, to sleep, and let Morpheus have his way with dreams to send, nightmares to haunt, or those blessed, comforting dreams.
Dawn struck, stroking Ouran's face with purity and light. His mark flared with joy, taking power from the little that remained bound to the crystal's purity. The moon inside the sun with the star of eight points, the mark only Rinos bore. Oh well, time to get into his robes of state.
As he clamped the bejewled armlet on his forearm, he thought, if they could recover the crystal their immortality would be restored, along with their magics. They could rebuild the city, and.... Who was he kidding, it had never been recovered before. They had searched everywhere.
He turned to address the multitude, and spread his six wings. Six wings for the ruler, four for the nobles, and two for others of the Rinosians. He faced them and the applause of the multitude. "My brethren, we are to move today, and continue our wandering, that is if you agree Zantos."
"Of course"
Ouran smiled, him and Zantos were best friends, unlike the Sojourners and high priests of old, who had fought endlessly, they agreed on almost everything, and when they did argue, it never resided in their minds long. "Prepare the procession!"
The people disassembled, and packed up personal belongings. When all those were fastened away, Ouran stood before the tent and opened the box he wore around his neck, and the entire tent was inside the parallel dimension that the box led to. One of the last relics of magic the Rinos had.
Ouran looked at everyone and shouted, "To the skies!"
The tribe flew away to its next destination, the small town of Willisburg, where there lived a girl who would start it all.
Six hundred miles away, and two days later, is when our real story begins. The procession had flown throughout the night, and news had travelled quickly, as if carried by a great bird. On the day of their arrival, quite a crowd was watching. In it was a very important person to this tale, her name was Alyssa, and she had a front row veiw of the procession.
Alyssa was exited, she looked at her friend Taylor and sighed, the Rinosians were coming to their town! She had always been curious about them, why there was so much prejiduce against them, and all other things of their culture. And they were coming.
She heard it, the trumpets that signaled their approach, and then she saw them, the Rinosian tribe, wings flared, and white robes rustling in the wind. Then she saw white robes with gold embroidery, and knew she saw the nobles. Then she saw two with more elaborate robes on litters, and she saw the high priest and Sojourner. They passed through silently, save for the trumpets, and were gone in an instant.
"Wasn't that amazing, Taylor."
"Don't talk now, that cute guy is checking me out."
So, Taylor, the ditz, waved and made ga-ga eyes at a strange guy she didn't know.
Ouran had pitched the tent, and was giving instructions on ways to improve the show when he heard something, a rustling. He shrugged it off as nothing. He was hearing things, it was, after all, almost midnight.
Alyssa must have been crazy, it was almost midnight, and still she was watching the Rinos through a window in their tent. She had wondered how they got it up so fast, but had reasoned that a thousand people could get stuff done quickly. The night wind caressed her hair, it was a nice fall night, a perfect Friday. She had noticed that the Sojourner was about the same age as her, maybe fifteen, which was one year older than her. The high priest was about the same age, too. Then she saw the Sojouner look over toward her, and motion to two people, commoners, with two wings. The Rinosians approached her, not looking pleased.
Descision point
Last edited by Alegria on Thu May 25, 2006 4:36 pm; edited 12 times in total
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Smee
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| Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2005 1:14 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Alegria 
Wow - a very busy chapter. You really seem to know the world well, and it certainly seems to be a rich and complex one.
I am a little confused by parts, as I don't know the world quite so well as you and I feel that during parts of your story you were just telling me whats going on rather than showing me. I'll try and give an example...
| Quote: | | "Doth thou, recently appointed high priest Zanteth, comply with this young man as our new leader?" the words now went past Ouran, to another young man standing on his opposite side. |
I'm not sure this is a brilliant example - but the way you tell us who is speaking at the end - it comes across almost as if you'd forgotten to mention who the speech was directed at, and had to slip it in at the end...
Satisifed with the response, the speaker turned to the equally young man next to Ouran.
"Doth thou, recently appointed high priest Zanteth, willingly accept Ouranicus Rofd Dinucus II as your new leader?"
It's a simple change - just introducing the character at the beginning instead, but it helps direct the attention straight away. I also changed the speech slightly - it occured to me that such a formal ceremony like this (done very well ) the speaker wouldn't really say 'young man' - but that's just a very small point.
Sometimes in your effort to be dramatic you put words in that don't really need to be there, the example that stands out to me is...
| Quote: | | The christening was over, and all throughout the plain beneath the cathedral balcony, a great cheer rose |
I don't think the 'all' needs to be there.
and throughout the plain
and throughout the entire plain
Could also try the sentence the other way round:
With that, the christening ended and a huge cheer rose from the thousands gathered to watch. They filled the entire plain that spread out beneath the cathedral balcony like a blanket, their applause announcing to the world...etc.etc.
Remember, anything I say is just my opinion, and not necessarily the best alternative. My aim is to just highlight areas that could give you ideas.
You're spelling is very good - I only remember one error from reading and it's most likely just a typo 
| Quote: | | the distant feild people |
Do we get a decision to vote on? It's a requirement to make it a storygame, but it's ok if this is just an opening chapter. We'll need one on the next chapter though, for 2 reasons:
1) It's more fun for us
2) I'll have to move it to the linear stories forum otherwise, and I like lots of stories in here instead.
Look forward to what happens next...
Happy Writing.
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The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
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ethereal_fauna
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| Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2005 1:31 pm Post subject: |
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I enjoyed this first chapter, but at times felt like I was lost in the storyline. I needed a smoother transition from the image conjured by the opening ceremony, to the contrasting scene with Alyssa and her friend. It was almost like reading a favorite book then realizing a page was torn out.
This would be a good decision point, if you were to place a poll concerning how Alyssa reacts to the approach of the two Rinos. Is she paralyzed by fear, and lets them walk up to her? Does she flee and then there's a pursuit?
Good job. Keep writing.
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The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Alegria
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| Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2005 5:03 pm Post subject: |
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| Sorry for the confusion, I'll edit it, and add a poll, I forgot
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ethereal_fauna
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| Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2005 5:43 pm Post subject: |
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Much clearer with the edit, smoother reading.
I said Alyssa will freeze and allow the two to approach her. She may later be transported to a different location (the last option) but at first I could see her feeling stuck in place with her fear.
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The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Alegria
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| Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2005 6:04 pm Post subject: |
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| Note: Polls are open for seven days before closing
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ethereal_fauna
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| Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2005 6:11 pm Post subject: |
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If you have the chance check out a few of the other storygames. Of course I recommend Finite Cosmos since I'm writing it, but there are several other great games that are already active or progressing in the new stories forums. If you read other people's stories, then they're more likely to read yours.
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The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
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mimicman20
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| Posted: Wed Oct 19, 2005 1:25 pm Post subject: |
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| hey! people i am new here the name is mimicman20 can sombody help me out on this game
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Ravenwing
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| Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 11:14 am Post subject: |
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Well, it looks like this story has many chapters so far. I would say read all the chapters so far, and post a comment in the most recent chapter up.
Alegria, with that being said, I suggest you lock all other chapters, except for the post recent one, so people don't get confused. It maybe be better even to combine the old chapters together. Then there is not that many topics. My storygame and Fauna's is organized way. Congrats on winning!
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Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
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