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SuperAlpha96
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Joined: 15 Jun 2012
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Location: In some alternate form of reality deep in the abyss of my creative mind! It's fun here! Wanna visit?
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 Posted: Sat Jun 16, 2012 6:04 pm Post subject: Warmth of the Candle |
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I'm just editing the mistakes from my first chapter Tikanni Corazon told me about.
'<D
Yeah, I still have a lot to learn, but I'm glad you guys think so highly of me. Thanks for the cheers guys! XDD
A poll should be at the bottom (tis why I'm on here in the first place) but who knows?
__________________________________________________________________
The warmth of the candle is the only thing that keeps me company. I stare out the window to the western night sky as the dust continuously beats against the window. Even on our third anniversary, Hank decided to hang out with that gang. I didn’t know it at first, but he was apart of the Black Tornadoes - living up to their name by ransacking every town they pass through. On the rare occasions I do see him, he’s got an odor of whisky embedded even on his skin.
Nowadays I live with and care for Mama. If it weren’t for Papa picking up gold on our way to the west, we wouldn’t even have this house. Mama tells me all the time that every time he bended over to pick something up, she’d give him a good kick in the rear and would shout for him to keep going; ‘cause there was no way she was going to have me in the middle of nowhere. Too bad Papa past away last winter. I still miss his tales of early life, his journey over here to western Wyoming, even when he teased Mama and me.
Low laughter erupts on the other side of the thin walls. Slowly, I get up from the chair and almost drag my feet to the door. The door swing open wide, with Hank leaning in the doorway.
“Hi, honey,” I try to sound happy to see him. “Was your day alright?”
“Fine dear.” He reaches for me, puts his arms around me, and lands his lips on mine. The alcohol wavered off him like water on a duck. He puts his hands back at his sides and tilts his head away from me. I want test him, so I ask, “Hon, do you know what day it is?”
“Well. I know that this is the month my lovely wife is after: June.”
“Yes...”
“And that it’s Thursday the eighteenth.”
“Yes, Hank, but there is something special about Thursday the eighteenth of June. Do you know what that something is?” Hank gives no response - not a yes or a no - so I spit the words out, “It’s our third wedding anniversary!”
I turn away from him and practically run to the chair I had been sitting in earlier. Facing the chair toward the night sky, I sit there with my arms folded, listening to my “wonderful” husband’s footsteps getting closer. He rubs his hands over my shoulders. Then he starts to kiss my neck, muttering “I’m sorry’s” and “I’ll make it up to you’s.” None of it fazes me, he’s done this routine every time he forgets a birthday or, like today, an anniversary.
I push his hands away, standing so I could face him. I glare at him hard, and say, “Look. I’m just going to bed. Do whatever you want, I don’t care anymore. How about you just go back to that Black Dirt Devils band of yours! You spend more time with them than your own wife, but I guess that’s why none of the other men have wives. Night.”
The house seems darker as I pass through the various doorways. Finally, after passing the old oak dresser, I collapse onto my bed. It’s musty and hot and plain normal. I pray to Holy Father, thank him for letting me survive that day, and try to sleep. Outside the bedroom window everyone this side of the Rockies could hear the breaking of bottles and cocky laughter.
When that dies, I hear heavy breathing inside my room, near me. A raspy voice whispers into the night, “Let it out June. Bottling up your emotions isn’t good for the kind soul. Yes, I, too, wish Hank would just leave. He doesn’t do us any good living with us anyhow.”
“But Mama,” I roll over to see her. Even in the dim light I can still see how beautifully her silver hair frames her aging face. “There’s nothing I can do to get him out.” Her wrinkled hands cradled my face. “I mean, the only reason he and his band of criminals are out loose is because no one dares to fight them. If I brought up the idea of getting out of it, I bet I’d get a welt on my cheek.”
She stands up, a silence breaks the conservation. Mama heads over to the doorway. “I better get to bed myself. June, keep your mind open, but more importantly, your heart. I love you-”
“-With all my heart,” I finish the goodnight we always say, drifting into a dreamless slumber. A slumber that ended all too quickly. It seems that as soon as I fell asleep, the town’s morning bell began to toll. Sometimes I can really hate that bell. Rousing from my bed, I look lazily around my plain room. I shake my head softly and rise to walk to the old oak dresser. I yank the old draw out and lift a pale blue dress to wear. After I change, I start morning chores: clean the house, water the garden out back, and finally make some breakfast.
I reach for the broom, humming as I sweep throughout the house. I sweep pass Ma’s room, her snoring rattles the picture of the three of us in the hall. The dust piles higher as it nears the front door. Opening the door, who do I see but my friend, Catherine?
“Hi June!” She squeals. Leave it to her to brighten my morning. Cat has a husband, a real nice one too. Her husband, Joe, is a farmhand and when he isn’t doing that, he treats his wife with care and respect. Sometimes my envy of her relationship is wickedly strong, but I can often smother it. “I heard what happened. Do you want to talk about? I brought over some things we can cook for breakfast.” Sure enough, she has an armload of goods.
“Sure.” I quickly sweep the dirt past her, leaning the broom against a corner. We walk into the kitchen and start cooking the food. With the potatoes and ham in the frying pan, Cat and I sit at the table next to the window. I look out, seeing another world than last night. Here, I see children playing in the dusty streets, people meeting one another as they walk past each other, but last night was cold and nothing could be seen out my window.
“June, I know it’s hard. Hank fooled you into marrying him. He had us all fooled, even your pa liked him. It really seemed like he was a fine man. Don’t put this all on yourself.” I lean over the table and hug her, thank God that she’s always here for me.
“Cat,” I can hear the sadness in my voice. “I just don’t know what to do. I mean, if I leave with Ma, Hank and his gang will hunt us down. And then if we were to get caught… I don’t even know what’ll happen to us. I mean, they kill innocent people all the time!”
I go to the cabinets to grab some plates. After I dish up the food, I give Cat her plate. I go upstairs to give Mama hers, my fragile bottle of self-control and hidden emotions cracking the more my own words repeat themselves in my mind. When I sit across from Cat, the tears are pouring. They’re coming so bad, I can’t even eat. I cover my face with shaking hands. Cat stands behind me, hunching over my trembling body as if to protect me from an incoming blow.
It… feels good to cry, it feels good to release the emotions I usually bottle up. Minutes pass before I finally dry my tears. I pat my eyes with the hem of my apron. When Cat notices that I’m okay, she returns to her seat and digs into the freshly cooked meal. I follow pursuit, ready to put my faux pas behind me as quickly as possible.
After a forkful of food, a genuine smile spreads across her face. “Mmmm. June, I’d give a limb and a half for your cooking.”
I agree. The ham and potatoes dish taste as good as anything Barney, our local saloon bartender who cooks darn good recipes, makes. Each bite is more satisfying than the one before.
“So,” I attempt to say between bites, not wanting to pause eating the really good food. “How’s Joe doing? I heard that they’re hiring more hands”
“He’s fine, best one in the field so he’s not worrin’ ‘bout losing his work.”
“People as far as East Wyoming are coming for work. We’re getting all types of characters in town.”
But none of them scare me, I think to myself. The worst character is my husband.
I finish eating and start washing the pots and pans we used from across the room at the small sink attached to the side of the wall.
“That’s the only good thing about the Black Tornadoes,” Cat says as she hands me her and Mama’s plates. “They’re so shady, they intimidate every other shady character. Sadly, we’ve gotten used to them and their raids.” She shakes her head side to side, slowly. As she heads for the door, she calls to me, “Good-bye, June. If you need me for any reason, you know where I live.”
Indeed, Cat and Joe live just down the street from me. I call back to her, “Have a good day! Oh, and tell Danny I said hello?” Danny is her almost-two-year-old. His birthday is early next week and everyone in town, aside from my husband’s band of course, is invited to his party.
“I sure will, you know how he adores you so!” With that, Cat leaves me to finish the remaining chores. I walk outside; strolling around my house and not through it. The sun shines warmly upon my skin, feeling wonderful. Despite all the problems around me, seeing my lush, green garden seems to melt my problems. Going past the rows of vegetables, I walk up to the small well. The coarse stones feel cool to the touch.
After lowering the bucket, I can hear the plop of the bucket hitting the water. It’s kind of refreshing, to hear the water sloshing about since we live in a dry state. As soon as I pull the bucket up, almost within arm’s reach, a voice calls out.
“Hey!” The deep voice yells my way. I jump, causing the bucket to plummet back into the water. I sigh inwardly, knowing I’d have to retrieve it later, and then turn to the voice’s direction. A man walks up past the garden. His eyes are hidden by the shadow casting over his face from his hat.
Seeing a flash of light by his hip, I glance at it quickly. With practice, I’ve learned to take in everything in the smallest amounts of time. At his hip, I notice the barrel and handle of a revolver. Luckily, I catch a glimpse of the gold star pinned to his breast pocket. I don’t even have to know that it’s engraved Deputy Mary Cutts to know who it is.
“Morning Deputy Cutts, what can I do for you?” I ask with complete politeness. He’s always been nice to me; it’s not his fault his sheriff and two other deputies can’t bring my husband in. I attempt to pull the bucket back up.
“ Mornin’ June. Looking as lovely as ever, I see.” With his hands at his hips, he strolls over to the well.
“June,” Something in his voice – a slight catch - makes me turn around. “We might finally have a plan to bring Hank in, but it involves you. Are ya interested?”
“I’d hate to say I’m interested in bringing my husband to jail, but yes, he needs a dose of his own medicine and face the outcome of his actions.”
“Alright,” his voice lowers to a whisper. “Monday is Danny’s birthday. The sheriff and all his deputies will be waiting in the shadows of a certain ally.” Mary gestures his hands to show me which ally and what time they intend to attack. “Here’s where you come in”
I listen intently to what his instructions have in store for me. I’m to attend Danny’s party, which I was going to anyway, leave appearing drunk, find my husband, seduce him, and lead him to the ally. To make me appear innocent, I’m to pass out at the entrance of the ally, to hamper any immediate escape routes for Hank. Then, Sheriff Berney and his deputies will somehow capture him.
How? I didn’t dare ask.
The last thing I remember about Mary’s visit was the glimmer of hope that reflected in his eyes just before he walked away.
Last edited by SuperAlpha96 on Thu Jun 21, 2012 9:34 am; edited 1 time in total
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SuperAlpha96
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Joined: 15 Jun 2012
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Location: In some alternate form of reality deep in the abyss of my creative mind! It's fun here! Wanna visit?
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| Posted: Sun Jun 17, 2012 5:08 am Post subject: |
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Hey! Sorry guys! I'm the newbie, so I kiinddoofff forgot to add the questions...
Anyway: What will June do? Will everything run smoothly - or will something (or one ) hamper with Deputy Mary's plan?
If so - what will go wrong?
>;3
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Andolyn
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Location: sitting barefoot in a tree in the beautiful land of Ardara, writing my tales...
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| Posted: Sun Jun 17, 2012 8:25 am Post subject: |
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Welcome welcome to If!!  I LOVE the start you have going on here. The simplistic language adds to the first person pov you've chosen. I just love it! 
Alrighty, for your dp, I'm going to say june goes along with the plan. If not for herself, then for her mother. As for whether or not it works...I'm going to say...hmm I'll have to decide. It could easily go either way: it works & the gang vows revenge...it doesn't & june is forced to flee...either way could be good! Hmm...let's go with...no...? Lol!
Loving it! Can't wait to see more!
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Tikanni Corazon
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Location: Running through the plains of my mind, my wolf spirit at my side (but doing so in the UK!).
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| Posted: Sun Jun 17, 2012 3:13 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Alpha!
A very warm welcome to City of IF, and I hope you'll be happy here!
Quite the beginning you have here. Very intriguing indeed so far, and very different from anything else we currently have on IF, which is brilliant! It's been written very well, and one can almost feel the hurt and inner pain that Cat is enduring, the yearning she feels to get away from the life she hates, and the fear for not only herself but her mother as well, which also gives her a sense of hopelessness.
I found a couple of very small things...
| Quote: | | I didn’t know it at first, but he was apart of the Black Tornadoes - living up to their name by ransacking every town they pass through. |
Needs to be two words here, rather than the one. So 'a part'.
| Quote: | | Now a days I live with and care for Mama. |
Not entirely sure about this one, but I think the first three words should be combined into 'nowadays'.
I would also suggest breaking up your paragraphs a little more, though this isn't necessity. It just makes it a little easier to read when it's spaced out a bit more. I personally always do two spaces between each.
For the dp...I'm with Andi. Just go along with the plan, do as told, and hope that everything runs smoothly.
Much enjoyed, Alpha! Keep up the good work, and welcome again!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
 
 
  
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Shillelagh
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| Posted: Sun Jun 17, 2012 9:19 pm Post subject: |
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I'm impressed at how well you've managed to capture the essence of the time period without explicitly coming out at telling us what it is. Your writing skills have a solid foundation, which is a pleasure to see. It was a bit odd the way different characters rotated in and out of having conversations with June in this chapter, but I'm guessing that will pass now that we're leaving the introductory stages.
If you're asking us how the plan will go? I think it will go well, and the breif peace from the lack of the Black Tornados will be swept away by someone/something worse. If you asking us whether or not June should assist... I think she should get some more information first. If the sheriff's plan falls apart, she's going to be in for it.
_________________
 
Ihniwid Chapter 5 is up- find it here!
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VenomousAngel
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| Posted: Tue Jun 19, 2012 12:52 pm Post subject: |
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I do agree with Lil, When a woman doesnt like where she is living, She does tend to voice this a little more strongly. However, just as any writer does, who are we to tell if you hadnt planned this as some future plans by keeping her calm and docile about things.
Would make for an interesting story if you have it fail, Because then we could get to know this band of criminals better. To me, These sound like something that should be brought out further in the story and in more depth.
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 12:57 am Post subject: |
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What a great start. You've evoked a feel for the time period, characters and community with some top notch writing there.
I'm not sure about this plan of Cutts'. I'm not sure June would be confident enough to pull it off - first trying to act drunk, and then trying to seduce someone who revulses her... Plus, if it goes wrong she's going to be in big trouble with Hank.
This isn't a decision she can take lightly, and neither is it one she can take on her own. But her mum and her friend are on her side. Her mum seems calm and collected. I think she should tell Cutts to give her an hour or two to think about it, and then go talk it over with Mama.
Welcome to IF!
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sagittaeri
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| Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 5:22 am Post subject: |
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What an interesting beginning, and well done on the high quality writing!
There doesn't seem to be any love left between June and her husband, so I think she'll ultimately agree to the plan. I doubt it'll go smoothly, though.
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Fri Jun 22, 2012 11:54 pm Post subject: |
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Couldn't comment in the suggestion phase, but I think she'll go with the plan, but its very unlikely that it'll work. I don't think the Black Tornado's are going to connect us to his capture, as long as the sheriff doesn't say a word.
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