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pointfulcentre
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2013 9:14 am    Post subject: Storm Rider Reply with quote

Chapter one: The Terror of Two Tales

There was a dark and treacherous finish to the sky. A long brewing storm had finally culminated close to shore. The sun still retreating through the great fissures of cloud, gave the force a fiery menace. As the wind picked up in tenuous reform some of the dock workers began to show their respects.

“Here! The sea, she musters wrath. Tie down the boats a double and leave the shore. There is no more work to be had this day.”

The harbour master was not an easy man to work under, but years on these cold and broken stone shores taught him to retreat when the skies brood. The dock workers finished their tasks hastily and proceeded to work on the ropes. Together their great muscle heaved the largest boats closer to the platforms.

“Master Biggs, I see a boat coming in, after the storm.”

Dali was one of the older dock hands, and had been working on this harbour before Master Biggs could dress himself. He was not good for much else but oiling rope and keeping watch, though he had earned his place amongst the young. There was not much to be said about a pension either.

“Thank you Master Geiger. There will be a handful of men to see them in. Could you find a few that will stay through the rain?” Master Biggs had a soft side for Master Geiger. He was one of the few people he bothered asking to do something. Even at that, Biggs still excelled in telling people what to do with questions.

“Certainly sir, if you don’t mind I’ll be leaving till the storm has done. These bones don’t have the oil or the heat to stand in the rains.”

“Of course Dali, oh and, we wouldn’t want the men’s stove to rust out here would we? Have someone help it to your house, there will be coal already inside if you wish to use it.”

Dali smiled a toothless grin and went about his business. Master Biggs took up his telescope and spied at the coming ship. It had no sails but still, from the white water at the bow it seemed to be making great pace.

“Blasted mages, ‘tis not a free port,” said Biggs to himself. There was an air of snobbery around mages, Biggs was not proven a man of the rabble, but on this shore life had a humble quality. This quality brought a degree of prejudice towards aristocracy. He collapsed his telescope sharply and stared out behind the boat a while, looking upon the little flashes in the dark with a furrow. The sun had almost settled by the horizon and lit under half the storms belly.

The boat was in good definition by the naked eye by now. It made its approach with the rain. Thunder was heard clearly over the water and as the men quietened close to their end, the wind grew louder around them. Dali came to Biggs with the few that would remain. It was not the least required to dock one boat. The mages ship came upon them straight and fast.

“They are not coming about, they will hit the dock!” One of the men shouted. The group stood back anxious to see the boat slow or turn. Rain and sleet came down in lashes.

“Pardon my timing sir, but I feel I should be getting home.” Dali was soaked and held onto his hat with a shaky hand.

“Very well Master Geiger, have leave until this storm abates us. By my guess it won’t be for a few days.” Biggs took off his coat and gave it to the old man. “I will visit for the return of this jacket, for now I would like you to wash out the salt and oil it.”

“Aye sir, I will see you then.” Dali left the dock and didn’t even bother to put on the coat.

Biggs turned his attention back to his men and the incoming danger, when the boat began doing something very peculiar. Twisting unnaturally, it came about facing its port side towards the men and without losing momentum. The vessel displaced water, making a wave that would wash the men into the sea had they not sensed danger. Then the boat made a complete stop, rocking on its keel.

Men dressed too tidily to be deck hands through ropes onto the dock. Others dressed more relevant for the occasion made a gangway and leapt down to tie the boat. Master Biggs’s men hurriedly came to give what help they could. One austere figure came out from below deck and hurried towards Biggs. By his purple robe and mantle it was obvious that he was a royal custodian. All of which are masters in the arcane arts.

“Storm or no storm, there is a fee and certain documents required to port here.”

Biggs was not one to be intimidated by dressing alone, and he would follow the book as it were, when it came to authority.

“We have little time. Get your men in their homes; it is of the utmost urgency that you leave the shore line.” The man’s face was full of fear and worry.

“Sir, with all due respect, I must follow protocol before I am allowed...”

“With all due respect harbour Master; you know not what trouble has befallen on this coastal town. Now, I implore you, leave this dock and make yourself safe in your house. All bureaucracy will be made tidy, but at a different time.”

Men from the boat began unloading cargo.

“Sir, storms are not unusual to us, we are all used to harsh weather here. Tell your men to stop unloading.”

“This is not an ordinary storm. We have urgent action to be had, to make safe the citizens. If you do not obey me, then by the Queens vested power, I will incarcerate you and put you to trial for treason.”

Master Biggs stood a moment silently yammering before he cloaked his pride.

“Alright men, the day is done, I will send a boy this morrow with your pay.”

Abashed, Master Biggs started home. Lightning flashed in the sky and the mountains to the east murmured with the thunder. Hail split on Biggs as he held his hat firm to his head, sorely he regretted giving Dali his coat. Despite his kindness, the cold was sapping Biggs’s humour. He made his way up the cobblestone road and then a massive crack erupted to his ears. Behind him by the dock sparks and fire were shooting out from a barrel. Biggs turned to see what was going on.

The Officer Mage was shouting at one of the deckhands and a few magi were trying to resolve the problem with the cargo. Biggs almost spun on his heels and rushed down to help, though to the Officers credit, he felt he had time to pause and appreciate how organised and independent the royal navy really is. Instead Biggs continued his old trudge home and decided that it may be fun to watch from his little cottage aloft the hill.


--------

So where have the mages come from and why do they have such fear for a storm? Find out next week on Storm Rider. Courtesy of the traps that can't be kept shut!
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Seraphi
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 05, 2013 7:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey there, Point! Firstly I would like to extend to you a great big welcome to If!

Secondly, I think you have a great story going for you here. We have a good solid character in Biggs, and even in Dali (though I can't tell if he will be playing a larger, ongoing part in the story yet or not). And a seemingly harmless storm turning into a magical, fantastical battle (or so I'm guessing)? Yes.

The only thing I would suggest is adding a tad more detail. Not about the characters and their actions per se, but more of their surroundings. I'm getting a picture of a dock and an ocean, which is all we need for now, I suppose, but in coming scenes I think it would be important to have more of the surroundings set up so you don't have to take so much time in the future describing anything (especially during a fight scene where you might want the action to be more prominent). I hope that made sense (haha).

Keep it up - can't wait to read more! Smile
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plausible_follicile
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2013 1:32 am    Post subject: Re: Storm Rider Reply with quote

pointfulcentre wrote:
Men dressed too tidily to be deck hands threw ropes onto the dock


Really good otherwise. I think its kind of intriguing that Dali left so suddenly and hurriedly. I'm guessing he knows more about the storm than we all do, and that does have my interest piqued. I'm really looking forward to how the situation develops from this point, why the royal navy would actually sail through a storm instead of just passing communication to the harbor. Either way, it is clear that this is something is horribly wrong and how they deal with the situation should be interesting to watch. Its really well written, and I'm looking forward to the next installment already Smile

Also, welcome to If! Smile
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2013 5:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like this. It's just enough mystery to get me hooked.

I think the mages are really foreign spies attempting to sabotage the dock by harnessing the mystical powers of the storm and it will be up to Biggs to save the day.

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PostPosted: Thu Jan 10, 2013 8:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Welcome!! Very Happy This looks like a strong start to an interesting SG. I agree with the earlier comments, and please keep it up! Wink

This is a meta-DP, isn't it? I'm only just getting used to it, but I'll try my best. Since the mages are there, and since the storm is "anything but ordinary", I think whatever's happening is magical in nature. Something big. Something monstrous. Smile
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Andolyn
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 20, 2013 9:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

OHMAHGOSHOHMAHGOSHOHMAHGOSH!!!!!

The Sea and Magic!!! Two of my favorite things!! lol! I'm EXTREMELY intrigued and excited by this story! Write more NOW!!! BY ORDER OF THE MAYORESS!! (please)

This is just fantastic, really! Your writing is close to flawless with just a few very minor errors here and there. It flows nicely and gives the reader a clear idea of what's happening without getting us bogged down with too much information right off the bat. LOVE IT!

A very impressive debut here in If! And a very warm (if somewhat belated) welcome to you!
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 21, 2013 5:59 pm    Post subject: Re: Storm Rider Reply with quote

pointfulcentre wrote:



A long brewing storm had finally culminated close to shore.
This is an ambiguous sentence. Do you mean the storm is long (as in length) and brewing, or the storm brewed for a long time? Add either a comma for option one, or a hyphen for option two.


The sun, still retreating through the great fissures of cloud, gave the force a fiery menace.


As the wind picked up in tenuous reform, some of the dock workers began to show their respects.


“Here! The sea—she musters wrath. Tie down the boats a double and leave the shore.


“Blasted mages, ‘tis not a free port,” said Biggs to himself. There was an air of snobbery around mages; Biggs was not proven a man of the rabble, but on this shore life had a humble quality.


“With all due respect harbour Master, you know not what trouble has befallen on this coastal town.


I've got a few stylistic comments for you, but you can ignore them if you want. I know how sensitive writers can get....

Most people tend to use too many commas, but you don't use enough. There are instances where a comma (or some other form of punctuation) needs to be, and I have marked some of them in red. You could also work on how you transition from one sentence to another, as your writing is coming off as a bit matter-of-factly. This could be caused by your sentences only vaguely relating to each other, in a sense. I can go into more detail about this if you wish, but I don't want to be too critical unless someone wants that.
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 16, 2013 7:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked it! I can't say any errors popped out to me, so that's a good sign. It sucked me right into the story, and I couldn't look away until I'd read it all. I do agree that the surroundings and scene could use more description as you go along.

All that aside, I can't help but wonder about those mages. Why are they are this particular coastal town? Are they who they say they are? Do they wear pointy hats? What's in the stuff they're unloading?

So much to see, so much to know, so I'm definitely going to follow!
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