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 Posted: Fri Apr 01, 2005 6:47 am Post subject: The Vampaneze Attack |
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"I don't think this is working."said Julie-my girlfriend.
"what do you mean."I asked.
She looked at me with her sad eyes,
"You, seeing your mum and dad every weekend and us not having any time together."
"Thats not true we do-" she put her hand up to silence me.
"And when we do, you spend it down the pub with your mates and leave me to do all the work round the house!" She started to cry.I thought about saying something to try and get me off the hook but I thought it was a bad time to start up an arguement.I went over to her and tried to hug her but she moved away from me.
"I can change!I can really!"I said,but I don't know who I was trying to kid more- her or me.
"No, you can't.That is why I'm leaving...tonight."
she went out the room leaving me on the sofa thinking about what I should do,but I didn't have a clue.
About half an hour later she came in with several suit cases.Her cheeks were stained with tears.She walked over to me and kissed me on the cheek.
"bye."she said
"Can...um..Do you need a lift?" I asked
"No,a taxi is here for me."
She walked to the door,gave one last look at me and got into the taxi.
I watched her leave.I knew she wouldn't come back but I had a feeling I would see her again(little did I know then,the next time I saw her it wouldn't be such a friendly reunion).
I walked back into the house.I couldn't believe she had just dumped me.How could she?I could feel myself getting madder and madder.I ran to the kitchen and through everything onto the floor-plates,glasses,vase of flowers and an ashtray fell to the floor and smashed.
I needed time to get my head straight so I grabbed my caot and headed for the pub.-why did I have to choose the pub,why didn't I go down to the park or somethig?
(ooc:sorry this chapter is soooo boring I'll try and make the next chapter more exciting.And yes Smee if it will make you jump for joy you can correct all the spelling and grammor mistakes you like.) :wink:
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Phang
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| Posted: Fri Apr 01, 2005 7:09 am Post subject: |
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There, I've read it 3 times. Happy now?
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ethereal_fauna
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| Posted: Fri Apr 01, 2005 7:13 am Post subject: |
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*envisioning Smee jumping for joy, then looking crestfallen when he doesn't find many mistakes...*
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The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
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| Posted: Fri Apr 01, 2005 7:23 am Post subject: |
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| lol
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Vamps
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| Posted: Fri Apr 01, 2005 7:24 am Post subject: |
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That was me
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Smee
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| Posted: Fri Apr 01, 2005 8:19 am Post subject: |
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Hey Vamp,
Haha...I'll have the last laugh...mwahahahahaha
| Quote: | | through everything onto |
threw...
| Quote: | | grabbed my caot and headed |
coat...
| Quote: | | to the park or somethig? |
something...
Mwahahahahaha :twisted:
*cough* anyway - now I've had my fun...
A good start - better than I was expecting, and not boring - just a necessary introduction. An argument is a nice way to start, what's boring about it?
I don't know if it's just the way you've been taught, or the word processor you're using but you seem to get confused with the end of sentences, particularly with dialogue involved.
eg:
Here, the B should be a capital - start of a new sentence.
You also need the fullstop (period) after 'she said, and not after 'bye'; it would look something like this:
"Bye" she said.
It's by no means a solid rule, but it's considered good practice to put in a space after a period. It just breaks it up, shows the reader you meant to stop, and makes it a little easier to read as well.
Your character is a little 2D at the moment - whilst you described a good emotional action when he smashes the kitched up, we don't see that in the description:
| Vamp wrote: | | I watched her leave.I knew she wouldn't come back but I had a feeling I would see her again |
| Smee, as a suggestion, wrote: | | Watching her leave I knew she wouldn't come back; I'd seen it in her beautiful brown eyes. Wincing as the door slammed shut I headed to the kitchen. My heart kept hammering inside me, deep down knowing that'd we'd meet again. Oh GOD I hope we'd meet again. |
A good trick to try and get us inside your characters head a little more is to try and cover as many of the senses as you can. Don't just see things, but touch, hear, smell and taste. Obviously don't use them all at once, but rotate through them.
As I said in the ideas thread, I'm looking forward to this one. Lets seem more.
Don't forget some sort of decision point as well - we do like to get involved you know. 
Happy Writing.
Smee. 
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The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
Last edited by Smee on Sat Apr 02, 2005 8:25 am; edited 3 times in total
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Muaddib
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| Posted: Sat Apr 02, 2005 7:54 am Post subject: |
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Smee seems to have nailed almost all the mistakes. Good opening I must say. Bfriend being dumped and all. Can i make a guess on the next chap:
He's drunk, leaves bar late at night...bitten by vampire in dark alleyway.
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my self
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| Posted: Sun Apr 03, 2005 1:41 pm Post subject: |
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My guess: He's drunk, leaves bar late at night... bitten by Muaddib in a dark alley. Wakes up barely alive and becomes a vampire to keep from getting diseased. 
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Vampireidiot
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| Posted: Mon Apr 04, 2005 4:14 am Post subject: |
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I like the idea of Muaddib sucking Dan's blood-at least I think his name is Dan.But that isn't going to happen.
He will get his blood sucked in an alley but I'm still working on whats going to happen after that. 8)
Hopefully I will start the next chapter today, but that depends if the computers are on in the library-libraryies suck!-I hope I get the tinternet soon. 
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watch out behind you....
*THUD!!!*
to late........
!!
Hmm...now for a story!
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Smee
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| Posted: Mon Apr 04, 2005 4:24 am Post subject: |
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'Tinternet' is as prevalient in the US as over here then.
I quite like Tinterweb myself.
~ Official Pnume Dept.
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| Posted: Mon Apr 04, 2005 4:31 am Post subject: |
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I'm english you idiot.Just like Phang!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Infact I have a brassy pot noodle horn.YAY!!
_________________
watch out behind you....
*THUD!!!*
to late........
!!
Hmm...now for a story!
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Smee
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| Posted: Mon Apr 04, 2005 6:43 am Post subject: |
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Lol - and I was supposed to know that how?
With you being from 'Vampire City' and Phang from 'The Phang Dimension'. :!:
Most people here are American, I guessed you were too.*shrug*
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Vampireidiot
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| Posted: Mon Apr 04, 2005 6:45 am Post subject: Chapter2-Vampaneze Attack |
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Beer feels so good when you have had an argument,it's like your best friend-it always feels good to have a beer by your side.
"Don't you think you've had enough mate?"asks the barman.He's new and he seems to be a bit uncomftable by my precence.But what do I care?
"No."I said
"Don't you think you should be getting to your misses?I bet she's worrying about you,"he said.
"No,because I don't have a misses anymore."I said.I can feel the sadness welling up inside me again.Why can't he leave me alone?
"Awwwwwwwww,has litlle girlfriend left you?What a shame.Well I suppose she's had a lucky escape,"the scruffy guy next to me said.What thw hell is he on about? If he keeps going on about my ex-girlfriend having a lucky escape, I will punch him so hard he will regret being born.
"Huh?"I said.
"I said that your girlfriend had a lucky escape because you are a low life and she desserves someone better,"he said smuggley.I will smack him in a minute.He had no right to talk about me like that.
"What,like you?Ha!"I laughed,even though I didn't feel like laughing.
"Yes!"he said,and there it was again that smug look on his face.The anger is bubbling up inside me.I can't keep it in.
"HOW DARE YOU!!"I shout.I dived on top of him smacking him on the face.He was smacking me back just as hard ,but I didn't care I would win the fight.HA!
We'd been fighting for about five minutes (and it was getting no where) when I felt firm hands on my shoulder and before I could do anything I was thrown out of the pub.I couldn't belive it.Jeez.
"And don't come back until you've got a new fancy women or until you are sobber enough not to fight like a sissy girl!"the barman said.
Man that hurt.That cut deep down inside me,but he was right.I had to see it from his point of view-he would lose his job if fights like that kept happening and I've got to get a grip of myself the world doesn't revolve around me,does it?
I got up and staggered into an alley.Little did I know that someone was following me.I heard a crack from up above.I looked up and saw nothing.I carried on walking.There it was again-that cracking sound.I look up and see nothing again.I carry on walking a little scared now.Why would anyone be following me?And how do they do it by running through the trees above me?
CRAAACK.That was a lot louder that time.I started to look up,and when I did I saw a person jumping out of the tree with some large metal looking thing.I had no time to react-move or be scared,because he was on me in a flash!
I didn't even feel it when he hit me round the head with that metal object.
I stumbled and fell to the floor unconcous.
_________________
watch out behind you....
*THUD!!!*
to late........
!!
Hmm...now for a story!
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ethereal_fauna
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| Posted: Mon Apr 04, 2005 7:05 am Post subject: |
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I like the drunken sissy slap-fight. Awesome, especially since that's how they usually appear, rather than some burly bar-room brawl.
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The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
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| Posted: Mon Apr 04, 2005 6:48 pm Post subject: |
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I second that motion.
Vampireidiot wrote in a very mean way:
[quote=]I like the idea of Muaddib sucking Dan's blood-at least I think his name is Dan.But that isn't going to happen. [/quote]
Is this about me?
I''m not sure I want Muaddib sucking my blood after yesterday night...I had enough of his sucking...
jk muaddb...
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 Chapter 5: The Rendezvous 
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Vampireidiot
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| Posted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 6:21 am Post subject: |
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Lol.
No it's not about you.I didn't know it was your name.sorry
_________________
watch out behind you....
*THUD!!!*
to late........
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Hmm...now for a story!
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| Posted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 11:29 am Post subject: |
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Okay, I am just going to comment on dialogue and style, and leave everything else to everybody else.
There are two different ways to write dialogue.
1) The one with a verb after it, looks like:
"This story sucks," he said cruelly and threw it into the nearby trash can.
You would need a comma after between the quotation marks and the verb instead of a period.
2) If you don't want to add a verb after dialogue. You can use a period instead of a comma at the end of the dialogue.
"This story sucks."
But remember if you want to write dialogue this way, you have to describe the scene or background, so the reader understands which characters are talking and what they are talking about.
As for style, I suggest putting spaces between dialogue, so it's easy on the eyes. If not, it makes it look like a giant paragraph.
But other than that, I really liked your story so far. Continue writing.
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Vampireidiot
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| Posted: Wed Apr 06, 2005 3:46 am Post subject: |
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| Ravenwing wrote: | [
"This story sucks," he said cruelly and threw it into the nearby trash can.
"This story sucks."
] |
 Are you hinting at something?
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watch out behind you....
*THUD!!!*
to late........
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Hmm...now for a story!
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Smee
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| Posted: Wed Apr 06, 2005 4:14 am Post subject: |
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| Raven wrote: | | But other than that, I really liked your story so far. |
I don't think so Vamp - just an unfortunate choice of example.
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Muaddib
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| Posted: Wed Apr 06, 2005 5:15 pm Post subject: |
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| <sharpens deadly fangs>
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| Posted: Thu Apr 07, 2005 7:01 am Post subject: vamps story |
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| i think its amaizing. it needs to be finnished. i only read the 1st chapter. but its good. (i commented on this story with the help of my phsycic ice cream) OI SMEE HOW DO YOU SPELL PHSYCIC?
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kenshin himura
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| Posted: Wed Apr 20, 2005 8:59 am Post subject: |
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Um.. im not smee so I dont feel obligated to tellyou how to spell psychic so there
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| Posted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 6:25 am Post subject: |
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:mrgreen: MWHAhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahWooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!! We're at school BEATING THE SYSTEM!!!!!!!!!!!!
 :o  8)    :evil: :twisted:  :wink: :!: :  :arrow: :arrow: :mrgreen: 
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kenshin himura
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| Posted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 7:44 am Post subject: |
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Im at school right now and the teacher is watching me and he is asking questions about the site and he relly looks intreaged.
so dont feel special, I allways beat the system!
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Ish yara al-ahdab hadbat-u
(a hunchback does not see his own hunch. -folk saying)
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| Posted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 8:35 am Post subject: |
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Yes, but what we meant is that we were on this site, making a nuclear bomb with gunpowder, ice and gold on the simulator-thingy, and seeing if Key has any secret identities all at the same time when we were supposed to be working, all on a slow computer!
What's more, our computer's the one hooked up to the projector, so people were just looking at our answers, copying them, and watching everything we were doing!
That's beating the system.
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| Posted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 11:33 am Post subject: |
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| on three, we should stick our fingers up at the system. i think we all know which one. 1...2...3
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Vampireidiot
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| Posted: Sat Apr 23, 2005 2:50 am Post subject: |
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Yeah lets stick our fingers up at the system!!
Hey and get your own colour! I saw it first! :twisted:
_________________
watch out behind you....
*THUD!!!*
to late........
!!
Hmm...now for a story!
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| Posted: Sat Apr 23, 2005 5:01 am Post subject: |
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| yeh well, you're being muscled out
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Vampireidiot
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| Posted: Sat Apr 23, 2005 12:51 pm Post subject: |
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Huh? what are you on about? Well I don't care I have the tinternet
8)
_________________
watch out behind you....
*THUD!!!*
to late........
!!
Hmm...now for a story!
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Vampireidiot
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| Posted: Sun Apr 24, 2005 5:30 am Post subject: Chap3 |
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owww. My head. All I could feel was the pain in my head. I don't know where I am because everything is white. I can't move. What happened. God I must have got relly drunk. I can't remember much. I went to the pub. Then what...I got kicked out. Then I went down an alley way...strange crack sounds....then what? hmm. I can't remember. Crap! Why can't I remember?
The room--at least I think it is a room--that I was in I could now see a bit. I Most of my vision is still blurred and white.Somone or something just went past me. What was it? I wish I could see!
" Hel-llo. Who-who are you?" I asked in a stuttering voice. Damn. I sound scared. That makes it worse. What if they can smell fear? All I heard in responce is laughter.
I could see the room propally now. I looked around. It was dimly lit by candles. It looked like a haunted house at a fair. At the corner of the room there was a table with a man in black.
Who-who are you?"
I asked. He laughed again.
" Answer me!"
I shouted. What is it with people ignoring you? It really annoys me.
I looked where he was sitting. Suddenly he was gone.
" Don't raise your voice at me!" He wispered in my ear. He was on top of me. How did he do that? I couldn't speak. I was frozen with fear. I could hear my heart pumping. I was shaking.
The next thing I knew this guy was on the floor unconcious. This other guy walked up to me.
" Give me your hand."
What have I got to lose? He helped me up.
" He is a Vampaneeze"
He said. He is nuts.
" I am a Vampire. We are sworn enimies."
" Ha. God you're mad! You need help!"
I laughed. But I was unsure because he souned geuine.
" It is true. I will prove nit."
He walked up to the unconcious body and moved the black hood.
I gasped. His face was purple!
" Listen you have nothing to do with this but you have a choice.
"What is it?"
I asked. Starting to feel the sence of dredd crawl up my back.
" You have 2 options. U can either come with me and become a vampire or go with your unconcious friend and become a Vampanese. Whats it to be?"
HE asked.
I didn't know what to do. Gowith the m,ad guy who belives he is a vampire.gh Or go with the phcopath who wants to kuill me.
What should I do?
I can't put in a pole so just say which one and i will tall it.
Oh smee sorry about the errors but I was laughing all the way through --shantay was being stupid--that my fingers were not working :twisted:
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watch out behind you....
*THUD!!!*
to late........
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Hmm...now for a story!
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Araex
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| Posted: Sun Apr 24, 2005 7:02 am Post subject: |
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| why can't you put in a poll? anyhoo, i think we should become a Vampaneze, because they are so much cooler than vampires in the books i think
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| Posted: Sun Apr 24, 2005 8:18 am Post subject: |
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nO THEY ARE NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Vampires are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH cooler than Vampaneze!!!!!!!!!!
If vampaneze are cooler than i would have the name vampanezeidiot. Welll I don'rt cause vampires are way better. And the best fiction vampire is Mr crepsley cause he does cool things--ask Phang and Shanty which they think is better.
But you are the first to reply and thank you for comenting. Have you read all pf my story so far?
And are you gonna keep my colour? :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:
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Phang
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| Posted: Sun Apr 24, 2005 8:19 am Post subject: |
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Vampaneze are officially cool
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Stuff here
Da Huuuuub
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Vampireidiot
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| Posted: Sun Apr 24, 2005 8:24 am Post subject: |
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Damn you phang you chose Vampaneze.
Oh well, thank u guys for comenting.
My partay is on SAT in May 8 for more details go to the forum.
please please come to my paraty!!!!!!!!!!!!11
Araex are you still sticking your fingers up at the system?
And I can't put up a poll because when I sated this story I was a guest and it won't let me now
_________________
watch out behind you....
*THUD!!!*
to late........
!!
Hmm...now for a story!
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Vampireidiot
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| Posted: Sun Apr 24, 2005 8:28 am Post subject: Shanty |
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THIS IS SHANTY i think that he should go and be a vampire cuz vampires ROCK! :twisted: Considering that i know 1 but thats not the point
x
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watch out behind you....
*THUD!!!*
to late........
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Hmm...now for a story!
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Araex
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| Posted: Sun Apr 24, 2005 8:30 am Post subject: |
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yes yes yes yes and yes. i think that answers all the questions
and no Vampireidiot i won't keep your colour. however i will keep my dark blue font type
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Vampireidiot
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| Posted: Sun Apr 24, 2005 8:36 am Post subject: |
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[color=blue]hmm.... *wonders what to do....* * Gets a frozen trout and hits Araex round head*
MWhahahahahahahahaha :twisted:
:mrgreen:[/color]
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watch out behind you....
*THUD!!!*
to late........
!!
Hmm...now for a story!
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duffman666
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| Posted: Sun Apr 24, 2005 11:22 am Post subject: |
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| He should become a vampire just cause they look cooler and there not purple
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Vampireidiot
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| Posted: Sun Apr 24, 2005 11:52 am Post subject: |
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| duffman666 wrote: | | He should become a vampire just cause they look cooler and there not purple |
Vampires may look coooler but that don't mean they are better!Vampaneze are soo cool. They don't obey rules and vampires do!!
(now im arguing with nyselkf. One minute im saying Vamps r better now im saying vampez r better.Wot next? A storygame website? No, that just a dream) :twisted:
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*THUD!!!*
to late........
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Hmm...now for a story!
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