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Idea master
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 Posted: Wed Sep 22, 2004 6:51 am Post subject: Chapter 11 - The temple of light and darkness |
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What has happened before:
You are Thadius LaFontania. After being rescued by the Rathiel out at sea, their elder gave you the secret to their power. However, this generated unrest, which you delt with in a non-violent way, or at least as non-violently as possible. Unfortunatly, the mages decided to attack you before you could leave, and they suffered for it. But you lost your friends and you experienced battle, something which you wanted to avoid. That memory is still a scar.
After landing on the mainland, you transformed back and wept for your friends, all those who you lost. After feeling sorry for yourself, you wandered through the woods, all motivation lost, your dreams gone. Then you encountered the odd-looking temple...
It seemed to be built on a rock base. What was even wierder was that it was built on what seemed to be half limestone and half pumice. They halves looked like blobs, but there was a little of the other in each side. The pillars around the temple are made of the same rock they sit upon. The temple itself seemed to be half white and half black. There seems to be no entrance....ah, there it is. A small door, right down the middle of the front. You try to push it open, with no luck. Then you notice a small groove. You dig your fingernails into the groove and try to push the door apart, and that works. When you enter the great room within, all you see at first is the exact symbol the temple is built on, only this one is hanging in the air. A tingle goes down your spine as you sense magic, powerful at that. You continue to look at the symbol, and out of it steps a man.
He appears to be wearing the garb of the temple, which is half white and half black. He looks at you, and then turns to his left, displaying the white side. At that point, the black half dissapears totally, save for one spot in the middle of his garb. Then he talks to you.
"You are out of balence, and yet you are powerful. You focus on one and not the other. You have the potential, but it is not disicplened."
"What do you speak of?" You ask him.
Then he twirls again, and this time the black half of him shows, and the white dissapears. That is, save one spot in the middle of his garb. He speaks again.
"This temple has stood since the world began. Without it, the world would be out of balence, and yet, so few remember it."
"Can you go back to being in balence again, and talk to me then?"
"Certainly," he says, and does a half-twirl. The two sides of him show.
"Thank you. Now, what is this place? Where am I?"
"I can anwser both questions, though you might not like it. This is the temple of light and darkness. Here the two meet to keep the balence equal. I am it's caretaker. Without me, the temple would fall, and without the temple, the world would be out of balence and destroy itself."
"But as for where you are, young one, that is another matter althogther. You see, you are at a critical moment in your life. If you do not regain your hope and continue the quest you started, then this world will fall towards the darkness, temple or no. I am here to train you in the arts of ancient magics, of how to form the light and darkness into whatever you need. I am also here to take your cursed pendant away from you."
Gratefully, you hand him the pendant, and he takes it, looks at it, and causes it to vanish.
"How did you do that?" You ask.
"I merely broke it down into it's light and dark properties. Once released, they floated off. You may learn how to do that, should you stay and study with me. Of course, you would be required to stay for a while, since these skills are not easily aquired. But every so often, one does learn the powers quickly. There's a one-in-a-million chance that you are the next one, and if so, then you may learn and be on your way within a week."
"Isn't there an easy way to find out if I'm the next easy learner?"
"Yes. Clear your mind, focus your thoughts, and bring forth for me one golden coin from the light."
Obediantly, you sit down and clear your mind of all thoughts. Then you mentally grasp a hold on a beam of light within the temple. You shape it, form it, and mold it into the perfect golden coin. Then, you let it drop into your hand. After that, you open your eyes.
There rests in your hand the shinest golden coin you ever laid eyes on.
The caretaker nods his head. "You are the next one. Very well. Stay with me and I will teach you the powerful ways of the ancient magics."
"As I don't feel like doing anything else right now, your offer is accepted."
_________________
...So I've been summoned back from beyond the veil.
...No plans yet.
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Ravenwing
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| Posted: Wed Sep 22, 2004 1:24 pm Post subject: Re: Chapter 11 - The temple of light and darkness |
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| Idea master wrote: | [i] There's a one-in-a-million chance that you are the next one, and if so, then you may learn and be on your way within a week."
"Isn't there an easy way to find out if I'm the next easy learner?"
"Yes. Clear your mind, focus your thoughts, and bring forth for me one golden coin from the light."
Obediantly, you sit down and clear your mind of all thoughts. Then you mentally grasp a hold on a beam of light within the temple. You shape it, form it, and mold it into the perfect golden coin. Then, you let it drop into your hand. After that, you open your eyes.
There rests in your hand the shinest golden coin you ever laid eyes on.
The caretaker nods his head. "You are the next one. Very well. Stay with me and I will teach you the powerful ways of the ancient magics."
"As I don't feel like doing anything else right now, your offer is accepted." |
Um, not to be critical or anything, but the whole one-in-million test thing was a bit too...easy. Don't you think? I mean, the caretaker guy mentions that there is the chance you're the "one". You ask is there an easy way, he answers yes, and tells you and you do it. And he says you ARE THE ONE. It's just not believable in a practical view. The whole test thing was too simple for Thadius. Its as if you're rushing the story. No criticism meant. But it is coming out nicely.
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New Story: Glassbreaker Presently on Hiatus until further notice.
Truthseeker (Completed SGOTM)
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Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
-Confucius
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kenshin himura
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| Posted: Sat Sep 25, 2004 5:58 am Post subject: |
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yes I agree that whole test was just a bit to easy for him.
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(a hunchback does not see his own hunch. -folk saying)
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Besart 12
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| Posted: Sat Sep 25, 2004 2:14 pm Post subject: Re: Chapter 11 - The temple of light and darkness |
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| Idea master wrote: | What has happened before:
You are Thadius LaFontania. After being rescued by the Rathiel out at sea, their elder gave you the secret to their power. However, this generated unrest, which you delt with in a non-violent way, or at least as non-violently as possible. Unfortunatly, the mages decided to attack you before you could leave, and they suffered for it. But you lost your friends and you experienced battle, something which you wanted to avoid. That memory is still a scar.
After landing on the mainland, you transformed back and wept for your friends, all those who you lost. After feeling sorry for yourself, you wandered through the woods, all motivation lost, your dreams gone. Then you encountered the odd-looking temple...
It seemed to be built on a rock base. What was even wierder was that it was built on what seemed to be half limestone and half pumice. They halves looked like blobs, but there was a little of the other in each side. The pillars around the temple are made of the same rock they sit upon. The temple itself seemed to be half white and half black. There seems to be no entrance....ah, there it is. A small door, right down the middle of the front. You try to push it open, with no luck. Then you notice a small groove. You dig your fingernails into the groove and try to push the door apart, and that works. When you enter the great room within, all you see at first is the exact symbol the temple is built on, only this one is hanging in the air. A tingle goes down your spine as you sense magic, powerful at that. You continue to look at the symbol, and out of it steps a man.
He appears to be wearing the garb of the temple, which is half white and half black. He looks at you, and then turns to his left, displaying the white side. At that point, the black half dissapears totally, save for one spot in the middle of his garb. Then he talks to you.
"You are out of balence, and yet you are powerful. You focus on one and not the other. You have the potential, but it is not disicplened."
"What do you speak of?" You ask him.
Then he twirls again, and this time the black half of him shows, and the white dissapears. That is, save one spot in the middle of his garb. He speaks again.
"This temple has stood since the world began. Without it, the world would be out of balence, and yet, so few remember it."
"Can you go back to being in balence again, and talk to me then?"
"Certainly," he says, and does a half-twirl. The two sides of him show.
"Thank you. Now, what is this place? Where am I?"
"I can anwser both questions, though you might not like it. This is the temple of light and darkness. Here the two meet to keep the balence equal. I am it's caretaker. Without me, the temple would fall, and without the temple, the world would be out of balence and destroy itself."
"But as for where you are, young one, that is another matter althogther. You see, you are at a critical moment in your life. If you do not regain your hope and continue the quest you started, then this world will fall towards the darkness, temple or no. I am here to train you in the arts of ancient magics, of how to form the light and darkness into whatever you need. I am also here to take your cursed pendant away from you."
Gratefully, you hand him the pendant, and he takes it, looks at it, and causes it to vanish.
"How did you do that?" You ask.
"I merely broke it down into it's light and dark properties. Once released, they floated off. You may learn how to do that, should you stay and study with me. Of course, you would be required to stay for a while, since these skills are not easily aquired. But every so often, one does learn the powers quickly. There's a one-in-a-million chance that you are the next one, and if so, then you may learn and be on your way within a week."
"Isn't there an easy way to find out if I'm the next easy learner?"
"Yes. Clear your mind, focus your thoughts, and bring forth for me one golden coin from the light."
Obediantly, you sit down and clear your mind of all thoughts. Then you mentally grasp a hold on a beam of light within the temple. You shape it, form it, and mold it into the perfect golden coin. Then, you let it drop into your hand. After that, you open your eyes.
There rests in your hand the shinest golden coin you ever laid eyes on.
The caretaker nods his head. "You are the next one. Very well. Stay with me and I will teach you the powerful ways of the ancient magics."
"As I don't feel like doing anything else right now, your offer is accepted." |
 
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aurelia
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| Posted: Sat Sep 25, 2004 11:18 pm Post subject: |
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I won't refute that this story is a good idea, but it could be better. Thadius has had it easy all along. There is no conflict for him. He passes from one test to the next without flinching. The only time he actually has some major conflict to deal with was when he lost his friends who were in the stone (how did that happen, by the way, did it get lost in the fight?). Even then his suffering is explained in a few sentances | Quote: | | After landing on the mainland, you transformed back and wept for youfriends, all those you lost |
then there's the scene in the temple which doesn't need to be mentioned again. and finnally his parting line | Quote: | | As I don't feel like doing anything else right now, your offer is accepted. |
What a punk! I say the monk kicks his ass for being so stupid. His training at the temple should be rigourous, bloody even. But most important of all he shouldn't always succeed. The monk should teach him that succes is not a given and if he wants to prove himself to all the races and effectivly conquer the world it is going to be some tough shit. Maybe since he proved he could learn what he needed in a week instead of a long time, it is a difficult week rather than an easy and progressive couple of years. Like, since he's proved he's better than, he is demanded to perform at a higher level. A level he isn't accostomed to. Sorry if I seem like a bitch with fangs but hate to see such a great idea flounder. If it sucked, I wouldn't bother. Ok, well, thanks for listening to my little rant. :wink:
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KnIgHtSrEpUbLic
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| Posted: Sun Sep 26, 2004 12:20 pm Post subject: |
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| and i know they mean no critisicm because we all know how hard it is to make a story and how long u have to write it and its hard and your doing a great job on it!!!
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KnIgHtSrEpUbLic
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| Posted: Sun Sep 26, 2004 12:29 pm Post subject: |
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| hey 111_Inyuash just pm (private msg) me!
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Ravenwing
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| Posted: Mon Sep 27, 2004 5:59 am Post subject: |
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I agree with aurelia. Its a bit dipping downwards. Maybe you should complicate the plot a bit more. Like I said it before its sort of getting to simplistic.
_________________
Stories
New Story: Glassbreaker Presently on Hiatus until further notice.
Truthseeker (Completed SGOTM)
Samadhi Traveler 2005 Nano Wrimo winner (53,019 words)
Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
-Confucius
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Idea master
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| Posted: Tue Oct 05, 2004 7:15 am Post subject: |
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I thought so too, glad you all agree, but without these simple skills he learns now he will be helpless in the future, more difficult challenges. Now, the whole one-in-a-million thing....he had to be powerful enough to wield the very light and darkness. Now that the monk of the temple knows Thadius can wield the light and darkness...let's say Thadius is going to be very powerful now. However, the wizards have not been doing nothing....they've been mointoring him all along. Now they will know how to defend themselves against him. So it is going to get more complex very quickly. Plus, soon you'll all find out how wizards are made. That's right. MADE.
_________________
...So I've been summoned back from beyond the veil.
...No plans yet.
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| Posted: Tue Oct 05, 2004 7:55 am Post subject: |
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| Hey, I regret to say that I am totally confused when I try to read this story. I can't understand what this has to do with anything. If you could tell me what your trying to say in this story I would be grateful. Thanx!
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silentknife
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| Posted: Tue Oct 05, 2004 2:09 pm Post subject: |
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I like this story, but i agree that its to easy. have some neer death expierances! shed blood, have the priest beat him up!(then heal with THE POWER)  okay its official. im off the deep end. anyway, the main character should NOT have it easy. also, i think it would be cool if you killed of the priest with some evil dude, and then at that moment have an archangel or something desand and save the temple. Then you will gain some cool plots to pick up on  :twisted:
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Ravenwing
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| Posted: Tue Oct 05, 2004 2:36 pm Post subject: |
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| silentknife wrote: | | I like this story, but i agree that its to easy. have some neer death expierances! shed blood, have the priest beat him up!(then heal with THE POWER) okay its official. im off the deep end. anyway, the main character should NOT have it easy. also, i think it would be cool if you killed of the priest with some evil dude, and then at that moment have an archangel or something desand and save the temple. Then you will gain some cool plots to pick up on :twisted: |
I of course still am with my view that the story is getting to be too simple, but I don't think we should go too radical to have suddenly murdering priests. Just build up the suspense. BTW like your avatar. I love Kenshin.
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Truthseeker (Completed SGOTM)
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Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
-Confucius
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| Posted: Wed Oct 06, 2004 4:32 am Post subject: |
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| thanks i love kenshin to.
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