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crazybookgal
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 Posted: Fri Nov 19, 2010 4:40 am Post subject: |
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Okay the poll is up!
Merry Voting!!!
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Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Sat Nov 20, 2010 6:26 am Post subject: |
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Caught up with this one whilst visiting; looks like a decent tale emerging here!
I like your style. There are few areas you could tidy up, but others have given feedback so I'll not go over them.
I'm too late for the discussion, so voted and... winning. 
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Swordfish
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| Posted: Sat Nov 20, 2010 3:28 pm Post subject: |
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I'm basically in the same boat as far as describing things go. Just flesh out the surroundings more, add some similies or something along this lines. So far its an engaging read. A lot of dialogue but that isn't so bad since its what you do. I wouldn't mind learning more about the characters inner thoughts and emotions. Because so far you've kept to base descriptions and reactions. Mainly them crying as a sign of fear or frustration. Brandi seems to be slightly more mentally capable than her friend so I would personally ditch Kara because so far she has done nothing but fret and worry.
The story moves a little quickly, like others say. But you can fix that by keeping the charater(s) in one place and having them look around some. A simple glance at some point of interest or another character who may crop up later. Perhaps if the Australians popped up again, look over what they're wearing, or even just describe what your protagonists are wearing.
Happy writing!
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Do Not Cross - Entry 2 Coming Soon
A.D.A.M - Polling!
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Mon Nov 22, 2010 5:06 pm Post subject: |
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Poll Results!!!
Wake up Kara and leave this weird town!
42%
[ 3 ]
Leave immediately so the person won't get away.
0%
[ 0 ]
Leave a note for Kara then chase the dark figure.
57%
[ 4 ]
So leave a note and chase him!!!! I'll get that chapter up soon. Thanks for all your participation!!!!!
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It does not matter how many breaths you take, but how many moments take your breath away.
Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
"Five Bucks Can Take You Far" in Multiverse
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Ingrothechundyer
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| Posted: Sat Nov 27, 2010 10:21 am Post subject: |
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Nice chapter. I'm looking forward to the next one 
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Sat Dec 11, 2010 11:01 pm Post subject: |
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| So am I!
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Wed Jan 12, 2011 7:18 pm Post subject: *Bump* |
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*Bump* I hope we haven't died here. Good luck!
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Tue Feb 22, 2011 3:41 pm Post subject: |
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A new chapter WILL be coming soon
so please don't delete me
_________________
It does not matter how many breaths you take, but how many moments take your breath away.
Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
"Five Bucks Can Take You Far" in Multiverse
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Wed Feb 23, 2011 5:09 pm Post subject: |
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Brandi sprang into action. Scribbling out a quick note for Kara, she hurried after the dark figure.
The breeze was cool on her skin, as Brandi looked around at the shadows dancing around the buildings. The natural spotlight of the moon was the only thing keeping her from tripping every five steps. Sprinting to catch up with the figure that was slowly disappearing into the night, Brandi passed the line of apartments into an open field.
Suddenly the girl felt a sharp pain that left her gasping on her knees. Blood stained the shoulder of her shirt, so Brandi rolled her shirt up to reveal her cuts from Coyote bleeding profusely. At the sight of so much blood, Brandi fell back with nausea. As soon as she scooted back, the pain and bleeding ceased.
By now the mysterious person had vanished. As Brandi sat, something caught her eye. A sign quite like the one at the front of Greensdale, shone in the moonlight. It read CITY LIMITS.
~~~~~~~~~~
“You are an idiot” Brandi looked down with shame. Kara had woken up while she had been gone.
Kara continued, “I mean seriously! Going out by yourself, at night, chasing some whack-job! And see what happened!” Kara was washing off the blood from her shoulder with a washcloth they had found in the kitchen, which Brandi was presently examining.
It was so white it practically hurt your eyes. A set of cabinets that contain various dishware, a fridge, a coffeemaker, a sink, (all white) and a wooden table covered with a white and blue tablecloth.
“Are you even listening to me?” huffed Kara.
“No Kara I’m not. I have more important things to think about here. Like, who was that person? And, should we listen to him? And maybe, why did my arm spontaneously start gushing blood?!” Brandi’s temper was getting shorter.
“Well I’m sorry but I was really worried! What if you were kidnapped like Jenna? Then where would I be?!”
Brandi was yelling now, “Do I always have to babysit you? For Pete’s sake, do you always have to worry?”
“Maybe I wouldn’t worry as much if you didn’t always do such compulsive things!”
“Live a little Kara! I swear, every time I step into a puddle there’s a crisis. Every waking minute you act like the world is going to crumble!"
Kara grew very quiet. Her voice was saturated with rage, “No Brandi. My world crumbled a long time ago. My mom died. She was my world. Then I found you and Jenna, and I thought things were finally getting better. Then Jenna was kidnapped and that ransom note was left in the mail saying she would be killed unless we had that amount of money by next month.
Not your mailbox, mine. I started to fall apart. You thought I was worried about her. Well yes I was, but really I was worried about you”
As the impact of her words hit Brandi, words swam in her head. I always thought she needed protection, but here she was looking out for me. Oh my gosh what have I done.
“Kara, I...” Brandi tried, but Kara turned and stalked out the door. Brandi shoved her guilt into an iron safe in her brain. I should let her cool off. Brandi actually felt a little happy, though. Kara hadn’t allowed herself to get that mad in years.
Brandi decided to explore their apartment a little more. There was absolutely no food whatsoever in the kitchen, which was disappointing, but she was able to find some coffee along with a coffee maker.
While waiting for the coffee, Brandi entered the only room she hadn’t seen. It was a cozy living room, furnished with comfy burgundy chairs (you know the kind, the ones that feel like clouds), a brownish rug, and a bookcase filled with books so thick and old, you wouldn’t be surprised if you found King Tut in one. There was a fireplace in the corner.
It was obviously supposed to give you that nice, warm feeling. All it was missing was Grandma, holding a pan of fresh-baked cookies. The whole apartment was carefully put together. This whole place stinks of money.
Brandi returned to the kitchen. To her surprise, Kara was there, sipping coffee.
Kara blushed sheepishly, “I felt bad about yelling. I just wanted you to know how I felt. I appreciate you and Jenna being there for me. It’s just that, sometimes, you forget I’m there for you, too”
Brandi smiled, “I’ll try to remember that”, she reached for the packet of job information on the counter, “I think it’s time to look at this”
They both sat down together and opened the shiny black booklet.
For The New Recruits
Brandy and Cara
Job Detail
The new employees, Brandy and Cara, will be working as cooperators in Coyote Company. Their work will consist of Coyote intelligence, ambassadors, and such miscellanea. For the duration of their employment, they will stay in the Greensdale Sector, reporting for work at 9:00 sharp each morning, unless instructed otherwise. Further explanation will be provided on the first work day, July 11th, 2011.
“Well that was specific”, huffed Brandi.
“Er…Brandi?” Kara mumbled.
“Yeah?”
“Doesn’t ‘intelligence’ mean spies?”
Brandi looked at her, “Does it?” She wasn’t exactly the vocabulary queen like her friend was.
“I thought so…it’s kind of weird”, Kara bit her lip.
“They could mean something else entirely. Also, they had other stuff in there too”
“I guess so” They flipped to the next page. It was a map that pointed out places to get food and such. The last page went like this:
Greensdale Laws
No dogs
No vehicles
No plants
No jogging on the 5th Tuesday of any month while wearing anything reflective.
No foreign material allowed inside city limits unless previously approved.
Admittance into Coyote Co. is strictly prohibited unless previously approved.
Everyone must observe Tasty Tater Tuesday, celebrated on May 28th
The rest was pretty much the normal kind of laws, but Brandi were dumbfounded at the curious first seven.
“We might as well get some sleep” said Brandi, yawning.
“Yeah” agreed Kara, “our first day is tomorrow” And with that, the girls went to bed.
Ok no dp, but i felt like I had to get a part 1 out there after so long. Part 2 will b coming-sometime.
_________________
It does not matter how many breaths you take, but how many moments take your breath away.
Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
"Five Bucks Can Take You Far" in Multiverse
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Thu Feb 24, 2011 12:49 am Post subject: |
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Yes, the 'no jogging on the 5th Tuesday of any month while wearing anything reflective' I find particularly intriguing. Thank goodness that doesn't happen very often!
Welcome back Crazybookgal!
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Thu Feb 24, 2011 4:56 am Post subject: |
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thnks
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It does not matter how many breaths you take, but how many moments take your breath away.
Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
"Five Bucks Can Take You Far" in Multiverse
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Fri Feb 25, 2011 3:20 am Post subject: I think..... |
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Dai kawaii(Very cute). Interesting. It's like watching stereotypical teenage girls dropped into the twilight zone! Funky indeed. Those rules.....just them being mentiond makes them important in some way..... I can't wait to see them broken! Or at least explained. I think Kara needs some ego boosting! but, that's her, and she's like that for a reason!
Oki, I can't wait to see more! Go for it!
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Thu Mar 03, 2011 6:24 pm Post subject: |
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Brandi awoke the next morning to the smell of eggs frying. She opened her eyes hesitantly, still tired from the long night before. Sitting up, Brandi examined her room, right across the hall from Kara’s.
It was painted red, the same color as her bed, and was furnished with a gold chair and chest. All was plain and simple.
Brandi yawned, got dressed, and shuffled downstairs to the kitchen. Kara was frying eggs, and toasting toast. She fixed a plate for the two of them and sat down at the table.
“Where’d the food come from?” Brandi, in her groggy state, remembered there hadn’t been any food in the kitchen.
“A neighbor from across the street came over and gave us some eggs and a loaf of bread. He said he got them cheap from his friend who works at the grocery store. These people are so friendly”, Kara rattled on as Brandi munched on whole grain toast, “Anyway his name is Caleb, and he lives here with his parents and two sisters. There’s also a girl at the grocery our age that lives with her uncle”
“You two sure had a nice conversation at the crack of dawn”, mumbled Brandi through a mouthful of egg.
“Well he helps out at his parents’ store really early, so he figured he’d see if we were awake before they opened” answered Kara, “Also he wanted to ask us if we wanted to go to the little home school one of neighbors holds. I told him that I’d ask you and swing by his shop”
“When do they hold it? We don’t exactly know our work schedule yet” Brandi said, cautiously.
Kara jumped on the question, “They hold it at one of the neighbor's houses. Sometimes the other kids can’t make it all the time, so they just have you come when you can and pick up where you left off the last time”
Brandi inwardly laughed. Kara’s determination to go to this school probably didn’t have much to do with the pursuit of learning. “Sure, why not?”
“Yes!” The girls finished eating and washed the dishes. That left them at about 8:50, so they waited a bit, then left for work.
Sunlight outlined the old fashioned side of town, casting long shadows. In contrast to the other day, people were out opening stores, chatting, and everything seemed completely normal. Outside the grocery, an old man with white hair and a cheery smile was sweeping dust out of the store. The bakery emanated delicious smells that just made your mouth drool.
In a minute they were in front of the dark building. It seemed to just suck up the bright sunshine and hide it in its depths. The girls entered.
They walked up to the front desk, but rather than talking to them, the woman just nodded towards the elevators.
Standing there was a tan-skinned man, about in his late forties, with dark brown hair that seemed to be thinning, and a bored expression on his face. The girls walked hesitantly up to him.
Without a word, the man pressed the elevator button. In the elevator, he completely ignored the girls. Brandi and Kara felt as though it would be wise not to try to have a friendly chat. With nothing to look at put the plain metallic walls, the ride didn’t end fast enough.
Their group stepped out of the elevator, and the man finally spoke, “My name is not important and it would be a waste of time to tell you it. I have the pleasure(he spat out the word pleasure as if it tasted bad) of showing you the ropes, say”
He turned to a door right next to the elevators. On the door was inscribed Mailroom. Inside was a simple room with gray concrete walls, lit by electrical lights. Along all the walls were small post office boxes, only without the combination locks. In the middle of the room was a bunch of small cubicle desks with sheets of paper, pencils, and pens.
In a dull monotone No-Name continued, “In these boxes you will find your assignment for the day, and additional information, if necessary”, he herded them into a door at the back of the room that led to a hallway with gray cinder block walls, and dark-wooded doors.
The man indicated a keypad on the wall near the door to the mail room, “Type in your number in this and it will take you to the office designated for you to work out anything you need”, he once again herded them into the mail room.
“Those tables are where you will fill out your report. All recruits must fill out a report after their assignment. Any further information you may need will be in your box. Here is your number. I have not seen you, we have never met, I do not know you at all, if we meet again I do not know you, if I was about to be dropped into a boiling pot of lava I do not know you. Goodbye”. With that, the man they apparently did not know walked out of the room.
“Friendly” retorted Kara, still holding the number he had shoved into her hand.
Brandi shrugged, “What does the number say?” They looked-127. Then they found the matching mailbox. Inside the steel cage was a single envelope.
The girls walked into the hallway. Brandi raised her hand to type in the numbers, then stopped.
“What is it?” asked Kara.
“It’s just…what do you think he meant, it will take you there?”
Kara shrugged, then smiled. “I thought I was supposed to be the nervous one!” she teased.
Brandi made a face and punched in the numbers. Suddenly, the hallway became really blurry, and Brandi started to feel sick. Then, just as quickly as it happened, everything came into focus.
“What the…wait a minute!” Brandi’s eyes widened. No longer was the mailroom door in back of them, there was just endless hallway. Also, to their side was a door marked, 127.
“That…was creepy”, breathed Kara.
Brandi, whose stomach was settling, squeaked, “You know this town has introduced me to a whole new world of oddness. Disappearing cars, tater Tuesdays, self moving hallways, I mean…what’s next?”
“Oh maaan” was all Kara could say.
“Well-open the door” pushed Brandi.
“I don’t know” answered Kara, “I’m afraid SpongeBob might come out with a chainsaw and start singing nursery rhymes” Brandi took a deep breath and pushed open the door.
Inside was a small office, about the size of an office cubicle. There was a desk pushed against the wall and two black leather office chairs facing each other. The walls were the same gray-painted cinderblock as all the hallways. There were no decorations. The girls sat down.
Kara opened the envelope. Inside were three pieces of paper:
Assignment Directions
Depart by way of Room P6 to 1253 Elder St. in West Block, Marest and meet Brown. Retrieve item from Brown and deposit in Room B86 drop box. Materials can be found in T5 and T9. Directions to destinations attached.
Time to Depart: 8:00pm
Expected Time of Completion: 10:00pm
Assignment #50
“Weird” commented Brandi, “Hey flip to the next paper” The next paper was written directions to various rooms around the building. The last one was a short note, typed.
You must arrive at 9:00 every morning to receive you assignment for the day. Typically there is only one per day. Any time in wait of assignments to begin, or after assignments are completed can me spent in any way you choose. No employees are permitted to ram the halls of Coyote unless instructed. Questions, comment, and concerns can be placed in your mailbox at the end of the day and they will be received. All new recruits will be scheduled to see the CEO of Coyote within a week of their employment. You will be notified when this occurs.
“Okay”, said Brandi, “We have some downtime. What should we do?”
I know, i know my Dp's are running on the same theme here but hay, it has a lot of room open for imagination. So, what shall we do? Oh and how's my speed going, too fast again?
_________________
It does not matter how many breaths you take, but how many moments take your breath away.
Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
"Five Bucks Can Take You Far" in Multiverse
Last edited by crazybookgal on Fri Mar 04, 2011 3:58 am; edited 2 times in total
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Thu Mar 03, 2011 10:21 pm Post subject: |
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A very nice chapter. Keeps me feeling light. Good work!
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Fri Mar 04, 2011 12:47 am Post subject: I think..... |
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Zabahuza mabadab....Confused? Now you know how I feel. This chapter got me all flipped upside down and sideways.....
A gold chair and ches...plain and simple? I think a "Gold" chair is no where near plain...now a chair painted gold, that'd be a little more plain...and how do people "Being a normal town"? I know it's a grammar thing, but maybe a re-read would do you some good.This part... "of showing you how to show you the ropes, say” just needs a bit of tweeking....
This part pinged me in a different way...
“I don’t know” answered Kara, “I’m afraid SpongeBob might come out with a chainsaw and start singing nursery rhymes” Brandi took a deep breath and pushed open the door.
I was hopeing after that particular visual, maybe a bit more....hesitation? It kinda just blew off all the tention they'd been feeling when she just waltzed right in like that. Anti climaxtic is what I think I'm looking for.
But, other than that, I like the story! Sounds like somwhere I'd like to visit on vacation! Happy friendly people...Evil corperat zombies....My kind'a place! Free food's a plus!
As fer the DP.....Thow on yer running shoes, and hit evey place in town! Get the whole place mapped out in yer mind so you's know all the good hiding places and all the best places to shop! Never know when a good idea of a town's layout will come in handy!
Keep up the good work you crazy person you!
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Fri Mar 04, 2011 3:54 am Post subject: |
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lol i didn't even think about it that way. what i meant was it was the color gold. also, thanks fer the tips-always appreciated.
there we go all fixed
_________________
It does not matter how many breaths you take, but how many moments take your breath away.
Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
"Five Bucks Can Take You Far" in Multiverse
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fairywaif
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| Posted: Fri Mar 11, 2011 11:57 am Post subject: |
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| I think they should definitely hit the grocery store, so they can stock up on food. And then they should see what this school is about, since Brandi seems so eager.
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2011 1:41 am Post subject: |
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This SG is polling, btw! 
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Wed Mar 16, 2011 8:52 am Post subject: |
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I caught up to this a bit late, sorry for that.
I'm getting a strong Alice in Wonderland feel to this tale... everything seems on its head and maybe its really all just a dream or perhaps they were in a car wreck or something. But then, there's usually a point to all the strange stuff in tales like that so I'm curious to see where you're going with this still.
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 CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...  
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Thu Mar 24, 2011 3:27 am Post subject: |
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Stock up on food then go to school
1
Do a little sight seeing and go everywhere
4
Poll Results!!!
Next chapter will be up...sometime:lol:
_________________
It does not matter how many breaths you take, but how many moments take your breath away.
Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
"Five Bucks Can Take You Far" in Multiverse
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Wed Mar 30, 2011 5:22 pm Post subject: |
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Kara thought for a moment, “ Maybe we should walk around a bit to get a feel for this place since we’ll be staying for a while”
“Also, we should get some more food. We can’t live off of eggs and bread” The girls left the Coyote building and proceeded to the closest shop. The awning was pink with blue stripes and had big blue block letters across it reading, “Bakery”.
Kara’s eyes went big as she stared at the sweets in the window. Brandi’s mouth was watering too, but she pulled away saying, “Come on, we only have ten bucks to spend”
The next place had a big wooden sign with “The Store” painted in curvy green letters. How original, thought Brandi as they entered. “The Store” pretty much had anything you would ever need to live besides food. After shopping around a bit, they bought a few things (napkins, toilet paper, etc.).
The girls didn’t go in the next store, seeing it was simply knick-knacks, but Brandi did note this was where the school was held, according to a small sign.
The last store had a classic red-striped awning and sign on the door that read, “Grocery”. Like the rest of the stores this one was exceptionally small. There were a million shelves of food though. Kara, being the taller one, stood on her tip toes and spotted a sign for the Deli section. They picked up some ham, milk, fruit, and some pancake mix that was on sale.
At the register counter was a tottering old man with a cheery smile. As he rung up their stuff he made conversation. A girl about their age with dark hair and eyes glared at them from a stool pushed back from the counter. On her upper arm, just before her shoulder, she wore a red bandana.
“Well we don’t get much visitors here in the town very often” he said in an Italian accent.
“Oh we’re staying here for a while”, said Brandi discreetly hoping he wouldn’t ask why.
Oh course he asked, “Coyote?”
“Um, yeah” The girls paid him and took their purchases avoiding any weird looks he might be giving them. They were about to leave when Kara stopped to look at something in an aisle. Brandi was about to go get her when she heard the old man arguing with someone. Stepping out of sight, she listened.
“…have some female friends” this was the old man.
“Everyone from that company is no good!” This was a young American female voice, probably the girl’s.
“She was nice”
“Yeah well look what happened to her” Brandi grabbed Kara and left. Taking one last glance backwards, she saw the scowling girl tighten the bandana on her arm.
~~~~~~~
The two girls dropped off their food and continued on to Coyote.
“Okay, what now?” Kara looked at the sheets of directions that had come in their mailbox earlier.
“`Materials can be found in T5 and T9` it says, and according to these directions the closest keypad is” Brandi walked a few steps down the daunting hallway, “right here” However, Instead of a keypad, like in the hallway adjoining the mailroom, this had the alphabet as well as numbers. It also had a screen that read ‘Please type in room code’ when they walked up.
Kara typed in the code this time, T5, and the screen blipped to ‘Thank You’. Before the hallway began to change, Brandi thought, Gee the technology is friendlier than the people!
When they arrived at T5, Brandi pushed open the door. Inside was like a huge closet. All you could see was the linoleum floor, and hundreds of moving clothes’ racks. There was suits, dresses, casual clothes, hats scarves, everything you could think of. Right in front of the door was a pedestal with a keypad, just like the one they just used. As they walked up, the girls could see the screen said, ‘Assignment Number’. Brandi typed in 50. The racks moved for a couple of minutes, then stopped.
The rack closest to them held a white plastic bag with a piece of paper that had their assignment number. Kara unhooked it and took off the bag. Inside were two casual dresses. You know, the kind you would wear to a party your friend was having at her house.
One was blue with a black sash and black lace at the neckline. The other was a black strapless tube dress. Kara chose the blue and Brandi got the black.
They left and went next door to T6. It was a weaponry room. Brandi stood uncomfortably in the middle of the big room. It had a low ceiling and shelves filled with weapons of every kind going throughout. Brandi didn’t really think she could use any of them, but she did take a small knife-just in case.
When she turned back, Kara was standing where she had left her, looking like she wanted to leave. Brandi didn’t blame her.
“Now what?” asked Kara.
“Well it says here the next keypad is a couple doors down that way”, Brandi pointed to the left, “But there’s a bathroom right here”, she pointed to a door to the right labeled T7. The girls went there to change into their dresses.
The door led to a room painted black with two dark wooded doors. Brandi and Kara entered the one that identified itself as woman’s. It was dimly lit with dark metal stalls and gray tiled floors. The girls shivered and hurried to get dressed so they could leave the creepy room.
After marching to the next keypad and typing in P6, the girls arrived at a door like all the others. Striding in they found themselves in a small room, about the size of a handicapped bathroom stall, that had another keypad.
“If I ever see another one of those keypads…” Kara muttered darkly. Brandi squinted in the darkest room they’ve been in yet. She sauntered up to the pedestal that held the keypad. Its screen glowed eerily in the near-dark.
‘Location Desired’ was on the blue screen. Brandi punched in the address on the paper, but her hand wavered over the Enter button. 1253 Elder St. in West Block, Marest seemed to glare at her, daring her to back down. No, I can’t chicken out now, Brandi thought then pressed Enter.
Bright colors in strange hues began flashing before Brandi, making her head pound. A strange sensation assaulted her throat, like what it would fell like to swallow your tongue. Her skin felt like it was being hit by a billion pennies dropped from really high up, and her stomach ached like a billion hands were punching it.
Finally everything stopped and spots flashed across Brandi’s vision. She stumbled over to what she thought was a group of bushes, knelt down, and threw up. Feeling better, Brandi sat back on her heels.
“Are you okay?” asked Kara seeming highly concerned, but absolutely fine.
“Didn’t you feel that?!” groaned Brandi, wincing at the very thought of it.
“Well there was a bunch of colors, and a slight tingling sensation, but not anything unpleasant” Kara looked confused, “Are you okay?” she asked again.
“I’m fine” Brandi assured her. Why didn’t she get that as bad? Brandi brushed away the thought and got up to examine where they ended up.
It seemed to be one of those normal every-house-looks-the-same subdivisions, and right in front of them was a white house with square windows lit up with a party going on inside. As Brandi and Kara walked up the driveway to the front brick porch, Brandi noticed a sad excuse for a garden that had been attempted between the sidewalk leading to the front steps and the house.
At the white front door the girls stopped. Time seemed to be frozen. Neither girl said a word, but Kara reached out and grabbed Brandi’s hand whispering, “For Jenna”
“For Jenna” repeated Brandi and she pushed open the door.
Inside was filled with bodies smashed against each other and music blaring from some unknown source. Brandi couldn’t really see how the house looked at all, because the place was so packed.
After about an hour of avoiding awkward questions, and making mindless chatter Brandi searched for somewhere quiet. In a room towards the back with lesser people Brandi sighed. It was still stuffy and loud, but less so than before.
Suddenly a guy in his early twenties appeared beside Brandi.
“Nice party” he said dully, probably enjoying it as much as she was.
“Yeah” answered Brandi, matching his tone.
Then, Kara popped out of the crowd. She eyed the guy curiously.He turned to them, his face suddenly all business.
“I’m Cornelius Brown, and I believe we have some business to take care of” he announced and turned, motioning to them to follow him. The girls gave each other wide-eyed glances and followed him.
The trio trooped up to an upstairs bedroom where they could be alone. Cornelius locked the door and turned to them. The girls just stared at him.
The room had a window right of the door and a closet opposite that. There was girls’ clothes strewn across the floor and the bed, which was placed opposite the door. A vanity overflowing with make-up and perfume stood next to the window.
“We’re from Coyote” blurted Kara through the silence.
“Prove it” Cornelius practically growled. The girls turned their marked shoulders towards him. Smiling, Cornelius outstretched his arm. From his palm Kara took a polished black box.
They all stood there. Cornelius didn’t move. Something dropped in Brandi’s stomach as she realized something wasn’t right. He slowly took a lighter from his pocket and deliberately lowered it to the floor. A floor that Brandi now realized was wood and…soaked with something?
Brandi’s eyes widened as her eyes traced a trail of gasoline that made a circle around the room. A room, she might add, that didn’t have a smoke detector.
Brandi’s mind was in a jumble, she couldn’t think. How could’ve I been so stupid?
Brandi looked at the expression of terror, surprise, and humiliation that probably mirrored her own. With a resonating ‘click’ flames reflected off of Kara’s eyes. As she turned around, Brandi could see Cornelius Brown through the flames. He gave her a satisfied grin, then dissipated into thin air. Another thought entered her mind, He locked the door from the outside. Mentally kicking herself for noticing earlier, Brandi lay on the floor to avoid breathing in smoke. Kara had the same idea.
Brandi’s thoughts were in turmoil, How will we escape? We could wait for help, but do we have enough time? What if he set the rest of the house ablaze too? Oh what are we going to do?
-------------------
Finally a little shake up on the DP. Hope you liked this chapter!!!
Oh and I always appreciate feedback on my writing
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Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Thu Mar 31, 2011 7:50 am Post subject: |
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Well, I like that the story is developing and moving forward. I had numerous moments of slight confusion but in trying to identify them I find its probably just a matter of a difference in our thought patterns and a difficulty for me in getting into the head of a young female character. Some of the speech patterns there are just a touch foreign for me so the way their thoughts were worded threw me at times.
But not to worry. The bigger problem here is what to do about this fire. Now... let me get this straight. They are on the second floor of a two story house. Downstairs is a raging/boring/crowded party filled with people who have no idea that a fire has just been set upstairs? I would be as worried about those people as I would be about myself. I'd sprint downstairs yelling "FIRE!" Then I'd grab a chair from the dining room, smash open a window and get the hell out!
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 3:34 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | I had numerous moments of slight confusion but in trying to identify them I find its probably just a matter of a difference in our thought patterns |
I'm curious about what exactly gave you trouble
| Quote: | | I'd sprint downstairs yelling "FIRE!" |
Well, what I'm looking for is how we get out of this room, seeing it is burning up fast and the door is locked from the outside.
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 7:01 pm Post subject: |
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Oh... ok, so its the door to the ROOM that's locked... I guess that makes more sense but I'm not used to having interior doors lockable.
Usually, such doors are fairly flimsy though so using something heavy in the room, a baseball bat, a chair, a bar from the bedframe, something, should be able to break through it (or possibly just a good kick aughta do it.) Then again, don't most lockable interior doors have a tiny hole that can be poked with a nail to unlock? A quick inspection would reveal if this is possible - but then finding a nail could be a trick.
As for what parts... I don't know... as I said, it was just a matter of the impression when I read through - and mostly was a matter of the way the dialogue was delivered being different than the way I think.
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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worldtripper
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| Posted: Sat Apr 02, 2011 12:02 am Post subject: |
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Excellent story, I love microcosms. I can tell where your attention has wavered in some places. When this happens your story feels rushed and forced. I suffer the same problems, I suggest not trying to do a full chapter in one go. Break it up a bit and give your brain a rest. Writing should be a pleasure and not work.
Depending on the flammability of their cloths, I suggest laying down a break in the circle. That's an option I would consider in that situation, I always wear jeans. You would need to be quick though!
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Mon Apr 04, 2011 12:36 am Post subject: |
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I'm suspicious - very suspicious of the set up here.
People in this town are very wary of anyone from Coyote. Yet, these girls are sent on a 'mission' with zero training, having been given dresses that clearly reveal the marks on their shoulders that they work for Coyote... Hmmm.
And how come the clothes that they'd originally swapped for the dresses are now in this room? And what is this shiny black box that Kara has taken from Cornelius?
Does the vanity unit have running water? can we bust the piping to dowse the flames? Building on Worldtripper's idea, if there is water, then wet the clothes before attempting to smother the fire.
One thing confused me - When they entered the room, Cornelius locked the door when he was on the inside. But then he disappeared into thin air and Brandi thinks that he's locked the door from the outside. Did he actually pass through the door after he set the room alight?
Something makes me think that this whole situation is a test.
So - as well as trying to dowse the flames with water or wet clothing (if the water is available) - I would also take a close look at this polished black box Kara now has.
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Sun Apr 10, 2011 3:34 am Post subject: |
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 Polling
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Sun Apr 10, 2011 8:54 am Post subject: |
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I love some of the reflections passed by CF there. But I still think we have pressing matters at the moment and time would be too much of the essence to try putting out a fire I don't think they'd be able to douse, and looking through the box would be better done when we don't have panic rising within.
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Thu Apr 14, 2011 4:02 am Post subject: |
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ok something i need to clear up:
i said the clothes lying on the floor were girls' clothes
i did not say that they were brandi and kara's clothes
they just went into a room owned by a girl who had her clothes strewn about
my exact words:
| Quote: | | There was girls’ clothes strewn across the floor and the bed |
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Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Thu Apr 14, 2011 11:27 pm Post subject: |
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| Woohooo, a tie.
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Mon Apr 18, 2011 4:44 pm Post subject: |
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As soon as the tie is broken, i will close this poll-so someone break the tie!
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It does not matter how many breaths you take, but how many moments take your breath away.
Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Mon Apr 18, 2011 9:28 pm Post subject: |
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Wish granted. I love doing this!
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Wed Apr 20, 2011 3:52 am Post subject: |
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Break down the door
40% [ 2 ]
Use clothes
0% [ 0 ]
Search for water
0% [ 0 ]
Look in the box
60% [ 3 ]
One Chapter Six coming up! 
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Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
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| Posted: Sat Apr 30, 2011 1:08 pm Post subject: |
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Brandi blinked her eyes against heavy smoke and saw Kara holding out her hand. In it was the black box Cornelius had given them.
Kara’s voice came out thick with smoke, “We…we should open it” Brandi fumbled with the lid, they didn’t have much time. She pulled it off and…
Nothing. Nothing at all. Brandi started to cry. They were going to die here, in this unfamiliar place, far from home. She would never see her family again. She couldn’t say that she loved them one last time…
“Brandi” Kara’s clear words startled Brandi. Looking up, she saw that Kara had the black box clutched tightly in her hand, her eyes strangely clear, and she was abnormally calm.
“Come on”, she continued, tugging Brandi toward the closet.
“Kara, why are we…?” asked Brandi, doubting her friend’s sanity.
“Just hush and trust me. We don’t have all that much time!” When they were inside the closet, Kara lay on her back, and started kicking the back of closet. One kick, two, three…and the wall broke through. After a few more blows, they kicked through to the other room. With Brandi finally using her brain with the clean air coming through, she took out the dagger and helped Kara widen the hole. Soon they were running through the room, down the stairs, yelling “FIRE!”, and sprinting straight out the door. They stumbled down the driveway to the bushes where Brandi threw up. A crowd of people spilled out the front door, escaping the fires within. Some of them eyed the girls suspiciously.
“Brandi it would be a good time to split” mumbled Kara. Brandi was looking at her watch. It was 9:59.
“We should be leaving right about…” An aura of color and an attack of pain assaulted Brandi. They were leaving. When it was over, Kara was standing right as rain. Brandi just managed to keep herself from tossing her cookies.
“Oh my…oh my…I think I’m gonna faint” Kara rubbed her head, the stress from it all raining down on her. Brandi smiled at her.
“Is it just dawning on you that you just crashed someone’s party, got duped by some guy, led me through a burning room, knocked through a closet, and ran through a strangers house yelling ‘fire’?”
“Uh huh” Kara grinned, “It was kind of fun though” Brandi just looked at her. Sometimes her friend can catch her completely off guard.
“You know” she said, catching Brandi’s look, “The whole yelling about fire thing. It’s like in the movies” Brandi chortled.
“Well if you two are done reminiscing”, said a familiar nasal voice. “it is time to meet the head of Coyote” Out of the shadows stepped the man who had shown them around.
“Hey it’s you!”Kara exclaimed.
“Hey! You don’t know me remember? I have not seen you, we have never met, I do not know you at all, if we meet again I do not know you, if I was about to be dropped into a boiling pot of lava I do not know you”
Kara grinned impishly, “Well it is nice to meet your acquaintance. I don’t believe we have met. I’m Kara and you are…?” The man rolled his eyes in disgust. He began leading them through the hallways.
Kara peppered the man with questions for amusement, “Wow how do you know these hallways without directions?”
“I’ve been here a while” he answered grumpily.
“How long?”
“A while”
“Do you live here?”
“No”
“Where do you live?”
“Somewhere”
“Do you have any children?”
“No”
“A wife?”
“No”
“A dog?”
“No”
“A cat?”
“No”
“A fish?”
“No”
“A heart?”
“No…uhg…I mean yes” he growled scowling. Brandi and Kara tried not to laugh.
After many keypad trips and questions about pets later, they arrived at a door with a plate that read: Arthur Mall-CEO.
“Do you have any pets at all?” Kara asked finally. To the girls’ surprise the man hesitated.
“You do!” exclaimed Kara with glee.
The man opened the door, “Get lost” As the girls scuttled through, he slammed the door at their backs.
“Well isn’t he all sugar and spice” grumbled Brandi.
“I like him” countered Kara.
“You like messing with him”
Kara snickered, “Yeah”
“Ahem” They looked up. In front of them was a large ebony desk with a leather chair turned away from them. The office was normal with filing cabinets and abstract paintings decorated the whitewashed walls. This has to be the brightest office in the whole building, thought Brandi.
The chair spun around to reveal a man in his late forties with salt and pepper hair, gray eyes, and a bony structure. He wore a black business suit and his hair was combed back.
“You know the whole leather chair, big desk thing is a total cliché” blurted Kara. Brandi slapped a hand over her face.
The man smiled amusedly, “Really?” He reached across his desk and pushed a button Brandi hadn’t noticed. The whole office blurred, like when you drop a rock in a creek. Then it came into focus, but it wasn’t an office anymore.
They were in a sunny meadow at the edge of a lush forest. The sun was setting in hues of soft pink and violet. The man reclined on not a chair, but a wood bench with tasteful iron arms. Brandi stood in shocked silence and saw that Kara was staring around in awe. She was a nature person.
“I thought you could use a change of scenery” he cracked a smile at his pun and extended a hand, “Hi, I’m Arthur Mall, the head of Coyote. You two must be Brandi and Kara. I see you have just arrived from an assignment” Brandi looked down at her ratty attire. Their clothes were singed in many places, their hair was a mess, their clothes crumpled, and they smelled like smoke. Not exactly the best first impression.
“We, ah, ran into a little trouble” Brandi explained, with a blush creeping up her neck, “The guy you sent us to find, Cornelius Brown, kind of tried to kill us”
Arthur’s brows knitted together with concern, “Really? Thank the Lord you’re alright. Did he give you the item?”
“No” said Kara earnestly, “He just got us in a room and set it on fire” Brandi bit her lip and forced herself not to look at her friend slack jawed. It wouldn’t help their case if she made it obvious that Kara was lying.
“No?” asked Arthur.
“No” answered Kara sadly. Brandi’s mind was blown. She had never, ever, heard Kara tell even the tiniest fib. She never knew the redhead was such a good actor either.
“Well you’re dismissed then. To get back to the elevator, just type in Elvtr” Arthur smiled at them.
“Bye Mr. Mall” said Brandi, keeping her voice even. She had to get to the bottom of this. What was Kara trying to pull?
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arthur watched the door close, and when it snapped shut, he turned to Anthony, his assistant. Or, rather, he turned to the spot he believed his assistant was.
You see, Anthony was invisible. Arthur wasn’t very sure why. Anthony didn’t volunteer the information, so he never bothered to ask. Having an invisible assistant had its perks though. No one knew he was in the room, which came in handy sometimes.
Anthony spoke, “Sir, isn’t Cornelius Brown an assassin notorious for striking out at Coyote?”
Arthur leaned back as a smile played around his lips, “Yes indeed Anthony. And I do believe these two did an admirable job. All the others sent on a Cornelius job didn’t make it out alive. Of course I knew they were admirable to start with”
“Is that so sir?”
“Yes, that is why I sent them on it in the first place-to be sure. All I had to do was set them up on one of Brown’s million ploys he tries to bait us into”
“Perhaps some watch over them, drawing from what happened last time?”
A great pain throbbed in Arthur’s chest and he gritted his teeth against it, “You have overstepped Anthony. Get back to work” With that a clicking of keys started from Anthony’s corner, and he was silent.
The reason i stopped thid hear is because i wanted to hear your thoughts on this stage of the story. u know ideas and such-whatever the other paart will b up promptly
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Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Sat Apr 30, 2011 10:11 pm Post subject: |
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Well, it's giving us some more questions to scratch our heads over.
There was nothing in the box as far as Brandi could see, but from that, Kara got the inspiration to step into the closet.
I was confused a little once they'd been transported to the meadow scene - where were they supposed to type Elvtr?
But yes, overall I'm intrigued - there is more to Kara than we - or Brandi realised. Keep going CBG!
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Sun May 01, 2011 3:35 am Post subject: I think..... |
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Nice one. Gave me giggles about the no heart thing. Definetly needs some shifting for sense sake, but still going good! Let your imagination keep flowing! Go for it!
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Sun May 01, 2011 8:22 am Post subject: |
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I'm wondering what possessed her to keep the box a secret? I mean... it may have been a key to more info to have handed it over right? And what are we to gain from an empty box? I'm sure you have something clever in mind there though 
The pace at which you guide us through these shifts in surroundings is enough to be a little bewildering. But then, again, the pace is also one of the strong points here. It deftly flits from one subject to the next and keeps us entertained along the way. I'd just ask for some of it to be a little better detailed is all, for it can be a bit confusing. I F5 Crunchy's assessments on that account.
Anyhow, it appears to me that we may have just been given an enormous insight as to how Coyote remains hidden from the general populace. That CEO either has the power to shape reality, or transport himself and everything he deigns to transport around him. I introduced a character, and a scene, much like this one a while back. So I'm interested in seeing how things go for him and getting a bit more background on who he is and what he can do and why.
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Mon May 02, 2011 6:00 pm Post subject: |
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oh the little keypads that help them get around id where they're supposed to type elvtr-u know the elevator that leads them to the lobby to Crunchy btw
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