City of IF

[Lilith]

WARNING! THIS CHAPTER HAS STRONG LANGUAGE! NOT FOR THE ONES WITH PARENTS OVER THEIR SHOULDERS OR WHO HAVE NEVER, EVER HEARD A CURSE WORD IN THEIR LIFE!

A SIDE NOTE! THIS STORY IS BUILT ON THE SILLY RUMOURS AND THINGS THAT GO ON IN IF AND IN THE INN! IF, FOR ANY REASON, THE JOKE THAT IS MADE IN A CHAPTER ABOUT YOUR IFIAN PERSONA YOU CAN'T TAKE... THEN GET OVER IT AND DON'T READ THE STORY. THIS STARTED OFF AS FUN AND WILL REMAIN SO AS LONG AS I HAVE PEOPLE WHO ARE GOOD SPORTS WITH THEIR SENSES OF HUMOR!


Chapter 3: Rubber Suits and Hamster Balls?


“Well, I’ve got an idea for containment at the moment, but I have to go get something to make it work,” Lily offered, scooting as far away from the ill IFians as she could.

Phang, after swishing her tail for a few moments in thought, spoke up as well. “I know some people... let me gather them up and see what they know on our missing people.”

Crunchyfrog nodded to both. “Do what you need to but hurry. This is already out of control.”

Phang and Lilith both nodded and departed, nearly running into a short squat figure as they both took running jumps to begin flying.

“Oh ho What’s all this noise about, eh?” Chinaren waddled over near Crunchyfrog and the others while taking a few swigs from a bottle wrapped in a brown paper bag.

Solus moved quickly, grabbing a rubber mask and oddly shaped suit, putting them in Chinaren’s arms as she removed the nasty smelling liquid from China’s hands.

“Eh, what’s this for?” Chinaren’s speech slurred a bit and Solus crinkled her nose as his rancid breath assaulted her nostrils.

“You, Chinaren, are going to go and round up the ill IFians so we can quarantine them and keep our healthy IFians healthy. The suit is for protection.” Crunchyfrog supplied smoothly taking her cue from Solus, who was rubbing her eyes as they watered profusely from the attack of Chinaren’s severe halitosis.

Chinaren broke into a drunken grin. “Alright then, I’ll do it.” And with that China clambered into the rubber suit, belching loudly as the rubber squeaked and stretched over his orange matted fur. Soon a full-sized Head Eater stood before the rest of them, tall and imposing looking, the illusion broken by Chinaren reaching behind him to scratch at his backside.

“You may want to start by finding out where these,” Crunchyfrog gestured to NeverNeverGirl, Mephistopheles, Lordofthenight, Kalanna Rai, and D-Lotus, “ones have been in the last 48 hours to determine whom they could have infected AND to find the common carrier.” Chinaren nodded silently and began to hum a rather explicit bar tune as he picked up the ill IFians and began tossing them into a sack he had slung over his shoulder.

“Put me down at once sir Do not manhandle a - AGH ” What she was, they never heard as Never let out a shriek when she was tossed in the sack right after a sleeping Messy, and a gibbering D-Lotus.

Kalanna gave a bloodcurdling cry when Chinaren grabbed for her and ran around in circles, screaming hysterically. Chinaren rolled his eyes, snagged Lordy who was trying to sneak away and tossed him in the bag.

“Rai, it’ll be better if you get in the bloody sack already, woman... and quit screaming I need these blasted ears of mine ” Chinaren’s voice came out completely computerized from the synthesizer built into the mask of the Head Eater suit.

Rai only screamed more as China grabbed her round the middle and tossed her in the sack. “Bloody woman,...much more easier to handle in her human form though.” Chinaren muttered as he tied the sack tightly and started to carry it to the containment area Crunchyfrog was getting ready to specify.

*********************


As soon as Phang had steered clear of the illness, she pulled out her phone and dailed a number.

“Yes?” The voice on the other end said.

“I need you to gather any healthy IFians and meet me in the Tavern in five minutes. Can you do it?” Phang replied quickly.

“I’ll see who I can scrounge up.” And the line went dead.

“Finally some cooperation around this joint. It’s about damn time.” Phang said as she hurtled towards the tavern.

Inside, she found her contact and several familiar faces ready and waiting.

“Thanks Mastermind, you’re a peach.” Phang spoke to the man sitting on the far right of the room nursing a quiet drink and he raised his glass once before swigging it down.

She looked around at the bunch Mastermind had rounded up. Tramp in a Storm, The White Blacksmith, Cyberworm, The Meaning of Fear, Sasuke, The Dark, and Player of Fates sat in random areas and positions around the bar. Sas, Storm, and Whitey where laying on cushions by the fireplace talking about something very adamantly while Plates, The Dark, and Cyberworm were conversing in low voices over some drinks. Meanie was snoozing while taped to a pole upside down.

Phang let out an ear piercing whistle and everyone came to attention, except Meanie because he was duct taped to the pole. “You guys are all that’s left. We need to pool our skills together and find Idea Master and JezSharp. D-Lotus can no longer complete the job due to circumstances beyond our control. So, who’s in?” Phang gave a pointed tooth smile to them all.

*********************


Lilith flew to Harley’s apartment and pounded on the door. “Oy, you silly pixie! Lemme in!” There was no response. Confused, Lily pulled out the spare key from above the door way and let herself in. The place was dark so Lily flicked on a light switch, and gasped.

The apartment was clean No clothes thrown every which way, no piled up dishes in the sink and the cat was sleeping on the armrest of the couch, not attacking the people who walked in. Lily’s mouth gaped open as Harley coughed a few times from the couch, where she lay with the remote in her hand and completely unconscious. Lily covered her mouth and nose and pushed the cat onto Harley’s head; someone outside the apartment would have heard a “MROW ” and then a loud thud.

As the cat scampered off, Harley mumbled something about “sea monkeys stealing her lunch money” in her sleep and then was silent again. Usually, this would have woken Harley from a deep slumber and set her off to find her attacker; however, Lily could see that Harley was very ill. “Harley?” Lily said as she went around to the front of the couch and squatted down to her friend’s level, shirt now pulled up over mouth and nose.

Harley’s eyelids flickered a bit, but did not open. Lily felt Harley’s forehead with the back of her hand and noted that the three foot tall fairy’s skin was very hot. As she stood, Lilith touched the green stone on her mod ring; withing seconds Crunchyfrog’s face was in view in mid-air, projected from the ring. “Yes?” Crunchyfrog asked.

“I’m at Harley’s... we need a bio-hazard and med-team down here immediately. She’s worse off than the others. I think this may be the second stage of the illness.... which also means she could be the original source...or carrier.” Lilith responded quickly, removing the shirt collar from her face and walking out of the apartment to the hallway, her heeled boots clicking lightly from her brisk pace.

“I’ll do what I can.. But I’m limited with my best still missing,.. Phang says she’s recruited a likely group to find them... some rubbish about nooks and crannies... Did you get what you needed for containment?”

“Oh I nearly forgot ” Lily broke the connection and ran back into the apartment, more specifically, she ran into Harley’s kitchen nook and took the lid off the cookie jar. Inside was a pouch that contained pixie dust which Lilith took and ran out the door once more. She then flew back to City Hall.

She reached City Hall as Chinaren had tossed his sack into a large fenced in area behind it where the ASS usually kept their prisoners before throwing them into the Hole. “China! Get them out of that bloody sack!” She called, landing and stumbling a little as she ran towards the holding cell, drawing the pouch out of her shirt with one hand. As she reached the gate, she skidded to a halt, of course the skidding wasn’t halted by just a plain loss of momentum... she slid right into Chinaren himself in the rubber Head Eaters suit.

“AAARGHHH! MUMPHF! MOMMYSAVEME! UPMFH!” was all that could be made out as Chinaren attempted to right himself inside the suit which had become twisted and turned and part of it had also begun to give him the mother of all wedgies. Lilith attempted to stifle her giggles as she tumbled out of the run-in, her hair and wings now haphazardly messy. She stood and dusted herself off, hearing the click-click of heels; Crunchyfrog rounded the corner, and viewed the scene with the faintest of smiles on her green-tinged lips.

Lily showed her the pouch of pixie dust and spoke. “This will shrink them down small enough to stuff in hamster balls. Harley keeps it around in case she’s ever sober.”

Crunchy raised an eyebrow at the words “Harley” and “sober” in the same sentence but nodded nonetheless and gestured to the enclosure where five IFians tumbled out of the sack; it had ripped and burst open when Chinaren had tossed it in so roughly. Lily opened the gate and sprinkled a little of the dust on each IFian, all of whom, in turn, shrunk to about 6 inches tall. After the ones that were conscious ran around in tiny circles screaming “WHAT THE HELL!” finished, Lily conjured up pink hamster balls for each and tossed them in.

She gathered up the hot pink balls and handed them to Crunchyfrog. “So what about him?” She jerked her head at Zephyr, standing silently behind Crunch watching the whole scene with a worried look on his face, color draining from it as time wore on... so far the only sign that he was indeed contracting the illness.

Crunchy viewed Zephyr decidedly for a moment, the impression of a hard decision making process broken by trying not to drop five hamster balls on the ground. “We need to observe him so he cannot be shrunk down to this size, but we need him contained as well... it seems this illness progresses quickly.”

“So put Zephyr in there and he can babysit the hamster balls.” Lily said quickly, wanting to be as far from the pathogen as possible.

“Chinaren! Get yourself together man! Quit picking your arse!” Crunchyfrog called as she opened the enclosure once more, waved Zephyr in, and rolled the hamster balls in after him. “Sorry Zeph, but I’m sure you understand.” She said as she locked the gate and put the key in her pocket.

Chinaren, upon being yelled at, stopped attempting to pull a large portion of the Head Eater suit out of his buttcrack for a short time, but then continued again; he even went to the extent of sitting down and dragging his butt backwards across the ground.

**********

“Not here!”

“Zilch!”

“Zero!”

“Nada!”

“Nien!”

“Goose-egg!”

“Nope!”

“Uh-uh!”

“The Dark does not see the missing people here.”

Phang and her group of eight had decided to start the search in Open Forum that evening, and were obviously unsuccessful. She motioned everyone over to her in a large circle and frowned, trying to think of the most likely places they might be.

Would she venture into Muddy’s district and interrogate the working girls there? Could they be tied up by n00bs in New SGs somewhere? Where to next?

[Cyberworm]

*rolls on the floor some more, laughing until he cries*

Whoa, this was great! I got a really good chuckle there!

I'm say they interrogate the girls... Well, at least that is what I would do... ;)

[NeverNeverGirl]

i read it - i enjoyed it i have yet to form an opinion onm the next course of action...

though i feel someone is missing from the scenario and i can place who..

*muses*

[The White Blacksmith]

Well, I say they go somewhere a little closer to home...

Yes, they need to search the very tavern they're sitting in! The History will help, of course, Bruno can tell them if any suspicious fellers've come in recently and anyway, everyone goes in and out sooner or later. You acn interrogate everyone who comes in.

Oh, and why's Meany taped to a pole? Surely I'd've tied him to the ceiling fan by then...

[Guest]

I love it! I just read it and I love it! No suggestions at this time though

[Mephistopheles]

Hmm, working girls in Mauddibs section? how come no one spoke of this to me before? *mutters about all that money wasted on booze and still no action* Anyways, well done lily! You seem to have calmed a bit and focused more on creating a really good chapter.

well, I think that they should search arena. Most noobs come for games, so, maybe they found some people there, and frustrated by the lack of variety for their style of gaming, have abducted the missing members in order to attempt a change in the gaming style of IF? God, i hope that made sense. *ponders what was typed* yep, made sense to me.

[Mastermind]

It's obvious - they've been kidnapped by spies from OF, which in turn are working for the distant lands of RL in their evil plan to eradicate IF. So check out all the secret OFian spy hideouts. Go paranoid conspiracy theory delusions!

No need to tell you that until after Cy has got a chance to ... interrogate ... the working girls.

[Guest]

Mastermind wrote: No need to tell you that until after Cy has got a chance to ... interrogate ... the working girls.

Oh Cy will love that for sure. Just don't get him too.... excited ;)

[Cyberworm]

:lol:

I'm a master of the interrogation art, Harley. When women are involved, there are soooo many ways to extract information. ;)

[The White Blacksmith]

Are we going to get a poll soon?

[Lilith]

Yes, yes.. don't rush me! *runs around like a chicken with it's head cut off*

Polls up now!

[Crunchyfrog]

oooh, I'm sorry I didn't get to this sooner!

The Arena has it, I think. And voted!

:D

[Cyberworm]

And of two votes, yours and mine, yours is for the Arena... You just had to give out what I voted for. :P

[The White Blacksmith]

It seems we're *slightly* divided on this one. You've a three way tie, Lil.

[Guest]

I broke the tie

[Mephistopheles]

YAY for me! re-tied it!

[Syranore]

Very amusing. Missed the poll though.

[Kalanna Rai]

I'd have to be sick to allow myself to be handeled like that. There is a serious ass-kicking reserved for when I get better.

Alas, missed the poll but I'm still waiting.

[The Meaning Of Fear]

Missed the poll, but I don't think I'd have voted for any of these options...

Why am I on the pole? Why did you pick me out to be on the pole? WHY!?! It's not like I'm the only one out here who gets tied to things...

Kinda Looking foward to the next chapter... Just kinda

*Inhales in preparation to hold breath, but decides not to*

[Tavanesh]

*laughs*. It's a great story Lil. I'm really enjoying it. I like how you use all the IFians as actually characters. *is waiting for yours truly to make an appearance.* Well I'm off to tread the other chapters. *laughs some more*