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kkdestiny
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 Posted: Sun Oct 10, 2010 1:34 pm Post subject: Mist in a Cave - chapter 5 is on the way! |
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Chapter 1 - Camping
"And they say that he buried them all himself and he stayed there with them until he died too. The treasure that they ran away with is hidden somewhere in the graveyard with them. Now since this story has been told through many generations, alot of people have tried to find it, but were never heard from again. That's why they have it blocked off, and that's the story of Toburna's Cavern."
One less bloodline to continue on, I thought. On the other hand, my friends' first response is to clap. Since it was the polite thing to do, I joined in. It was a pretty good reciting of the local lore, after all. The rest of the night was full of other ghost stories and the roasting of marshmellows over the open fire. To end it all, we sang a few group favorites. Over all, it was your average night at camp. Still, I somehow never get tired of it. "Alright! It's almost 1 o'clock. Time for bed" announced Henry, the only 18 year old in the group. He was suddenly answered by a uniform "aaawe!" from the rest of the girls. "Hey, unless you guys don't want your hot breakfast in the morning..."
"Oh, no! I want my hot breakfast," chimed in Denna. She leaned closer to him. "Scrambled eggs. You know the way I like them."
I smiled. Typical Denna; turning a group teasing session into a chance to flirt with her boyfriend. But that was ok, because they made such a nice couple. Denna was your typical teenager, if you came from the 80's. She wore her brown hair in a well trimmed, but feathered, bob and her wardrobe was of the pink and black color scheme. I swear, I once saw a Pink Ladies jacket one time going through her closet.
And just like your typical 80's wild child, she enjoyed having fun; so much so that her grades were often lacking. That's where Henry came in. He looked like a bad boy, his darker brown hair gelled up and all, but he was really a top notch nerd hell bent on studying his day away. Ever since they met, though, they seemed to have balanced each other out real well. Henry made sure that Denna kept her grades up, and she made sure that He had his fair share of fun. Not to mention that they both had old sounding names.
Still smiling, I shook my head as they continued their flirting. That was enough lovey dovey stuff for me. I went over and tapped Paige on the elbow. "I've got to go to the bathroom." She nodded and handed me the flashlight. "I'll head back with the others. I'm going straight to bed too, so don't expect to get any before bed chat out of me this time, ok?" I clicked on the flashlight and stuck it under my chin, "As you wish, my dear." This earned me a fake "Eeep!" and a small laugh. With that I made my way to the bathroom. I kept the flashlight's light on the grass. It looked interesting, and made sure every step I took was safe.
I could still hear faint laughter and chatting while I was in the bathroom, But I also noted that it was either dissipating or moving, or both. Once I was done, I started my way over to the girls' tent. On the way there I heard the snap of a small twig. Out of instinct I turned and shined my light on it. I watched as a skunk made it's way out of the bush. Since this was the first skunk I've ever seen in real life, I was, what's the word? Oh yea! Fascinated. I was fascinated by a skunk. Now that sounds dumb, but whatever! I watched the skunk as it lumbered across the beaten path, and I did not move until it was on the other side. Once I couldn't see it anymore I continued on.
As I ducked inside the tent, I saw Paige already in her sleeping bag. Then I noticed everyone else was too. Wow, I never thought they would be this tired. Normally we'd be up for hours after the campfire had been put out. Thinking about being tired made me even more tired. I yawned and slipped into my sleeping bag, which was of course, set up next to Paige's. "Night Sis." I said as I snuggled into my bag, trying to get as deep into it as possible. I heard her mumbling a goodnight before I closed my eyes and fell asleep.
"Kassy, Kassy! Wake up." I yawned as I was shook awake by my sister. "What?" I asked as I sat up, and began to rub the sleep from my eyes. "The Blacks are scaring me again." I groaned as I looked over at the two known as 'The Blacks'. Angela and Luna Blacke. They had creepy names and were the most mischievious set of twins one could ever imagine meeting. I blamed their parents for that. Who goes and names their kids Angela and Luna Blacke? It translated in my mind as Black Angel and Black Moon. That's just asking for trouble, especially from twins; and I should know! Me and my sis, Paige; we're twins too. We're just not identical twins like The Blacks. While they both wore their black hair long and in low curly ponytails over their left shoulder, dress in similar gothic style clothing, and can only be told apart by the hair clips they put in their hair; my sister and I are two totally different people.
Paige was mostly the artsy type. She enjoyed art, any kind of art. Her room was full of more types of media than mine was of stuffed animals. And while she did sometimes dress up like you'd expect an artist to, you can bet there's a tank top underneath. She loved tank tops. She had multiple tanktops of every color in her closet; she made sure of it. And while I wore my hair down with the exception of the braid on my left side, she wore her hair in a plain ponytail. We both have brown hair by the way. the rest of her outfit was khakis and sandals.
My wardrobe on the other hand, had as much variety in it as there were flower prints. That's right. I made all the shirts I own be flower themed. In fact that day I was going to wear my white t-shirt with flower print sleeves and a flower pendent. God, Paige was going to have fun teasing me and calling me a hippy; I just knew it.
But, back to The Blacks scaring my sister. "What are they doing now?"
"Well, they're laughing and giggling for no reason."
"Oh, we have a reason," spoke up Luna, who wears the crescent moon hair clip. "A really good reason." chimes in Angela, who wears the star of David hair clip. "What? To creep us out?" "No." they answer in unison. "We thought of an adventure" speaks Luna, "and a gamble." finishes Angela.
Now I was getting curious. "An adventure?"
"A gamble?" asked Paige, sounding skeptical. Oh yea, the gamble part.
"Hey!" We all turned to see Denna's silhouette outside the tent. "If you guys want breakfast, I suggest getting ready soon."
Last edited by kkdestiny on Fri Aug 28, 2015 6:47 am; edited 21 times in total
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Sun Oct 10, 2010 2:14 pm Post subject: |
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You write quite well actually. I'm interested to continue and I don't think I see much of a decision point yet but that's ok for an intro.
Points to consider:
* Label your chapters at the beginning. That helps us to keep our place as well as adds some framing that prepares us to read the text below.
* Make sure to edit carefully. There were few typos but they were noticable. Grammar was great though.
* Try to express details along with action. This keeps the pace moving in the story and keeps us from getting bogged down in details we'll probably forget if they don't come along with cause to recall them built into the way they are presented. For example, when describing Denna, you broke from the activity in the paragraph to create an aside to explain her clothing when you could have had her adjust or prymp the clothing instead, explaining what she wears in the context of an activity. A more advanced note perhaps, but you seem to be writing up to the point of skill to begin considering this.
* Break up the paragraphs a little more. I know you kept them broken up nicely but in the context of internet writing, one or two sentances is often enough. There were only a few I could think may have benefited from breaking but its always worthy of note.
So, yeah, it was a good read and I can't say much more to critique so I'll be looking for more of this! 
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 CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...  
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Lebrenth
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| Posted: Sun Oct 10, 2010 2:20 pm Post subject: |
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I like it! Well written and few errors is always a welcome sight. I like the foreshadowing too. The "evil" twins talking in unison is a little tongue in cheek, but I'll cut you some slack. Your vignettes paint a great picture of each of the characters (though I agree with Thunderbird about not breaking up the action). I look forward to your next chapter!
... By the way, you really should add a little more to the story or write another chapter. This first chapter does a great job of introducing the characters and the scenario, but now we need a decision point. Depending on what kind of storygame you're interested in, you could either have readers vote for what should happen next or they can vote for what they think the main character should do. If you intend to write this a normal story it needs to be moved to the non-linear section. Otherwise you need to brace yourself and get ready for reader suggestions! It helps a lot if you make it clear what the Decision Point (or DP) is by writing a question at the end of the chapter.
For instance:
DP: Should Kassy listen to the Blacks' proposal?
To get a better response, you can make the DP more complicated so there is debate and a close competition in the poll. It's different from normal writing, but it can make your stories more interesting when you add the challenge of getting the readers more directly involved.
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Sun Oct 10, 2010 2:39 pm Post subject: |
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(went through with online spellcheck site and dictionary.com)
yay you guys like it ^^
but you have no idea how many times I had to edit it to give it more of the character's voice than my own. -.-
The first time I wrote it I was like "ok, this is supposed to sound like a normal, but slightly girly, high school girl.....crap, it sounds like me talking."
and yea, I got the idea about the chunk of description..sorry about that ^^;
but for my sanity on this one, could I just ask "Should Kassy listen to the Black's proposal?"
and any other issues that come up with the question.
Last edited by kkdestiny on Tue Oct 12, 2010 8:24 am; edited 1 time in total
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Sun Oct 10, 2010 5:58 pm Post subject: |
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No need to apologize for anything. The critique is just put forth as something to consider, that's all. Actually, I wouldn't have mentioned anything along those lines if I didn't think your writing showed a particular level of quality that warranted the mention of some finer detail critiques. In other words, it's quite good as is.
As for the DP... its hard to make a yes/no determination on this without having more information. So that would be my suggestion, probe for more details before committing yourself to anything foolish, but show interest. Always up for adventure and gambles so long as the risk seems worth it.
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Sun Oct 10, 2010 8:27 pm Post subject: Hiya |
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Sounds interesting. It could use a little more intensity fer me. I like the part about the skunk, I was the same way with mu first RL porcupine. As for the characters, *Dies* you KNOW I love the whole twin thing  I look forward to the continuation 
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Mon Oct 11, 2010 12:12 am Post subject: |
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Hey!!!
Nice writing!
I guess everyone has already said what i wanted to say, but 1 question...
Do you have a twin?!
I have a twin and he's on the city, and i just don't find this exactly how twins would be. Its really hard to explain, i'll probably do it later when i have the time!!
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Mon Oct 11, 2010 11:58 am Post subject: |
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Nope..I don't have a twin, nor have I ever had it explained to me( so I look forward to it.)
You may have noticed, and I'm not sure how you feel about it, but twins are portayed in a general but almost really specific way.
I could have left the twin thing out and worked something else into it..but really they just sort of...popped up... -_-;
But since they appeared, and I have a very limited knowledge of twins and twin stuff, I may have created and added onto the already existing but perhaps unrealistic image of a pair of twins....then again, I'm not sure which set of twins your referring to.
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I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them  *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Mon Oct 11, 2010 2:40 pm Post subject: |
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mmm evil twins-spooky and pleasing. Can't wait for another chapter(and a DP!)
i hope this isnt going to turn into another vampire thing though. theres a lot of those in the teen section lately. i like stephanie meijer's original books but its annoying how everyone is trying to copy her.
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Mon Oct 11, 2010 3:07 pm Post subject: |
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Nope, no vampires planned. Just really creepy gothic twins that like to mess with people.
Don't even know who Stephanie meijer is anyways.
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I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Mon Oct 11, 2010 4:04 pm Post subject: |
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awesomeness!!! i should show my friend this...
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Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Mon Oct 11, 2010 8:58 pm Post subject: |
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uh wow ... thanks ^^;
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I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Tue Oct 12, 2010 1:43 am Post subject: |
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| kkdestiny wrote: | Nope..I don't have a twin, nor have I ever had it explained to me( so I look forward to it.)
You may have noticed, and I'm not sure how you feel about it, but twins are portayed in a general but almost really specific way.
But since they appeared, and I have a very limited knowledge of twins and twin stuff, I may have created and added onto the already existing but perhaps unrealistic image of a pair of twins....then again, I'm not sure which set of twins your referring to. |
uh, Okay!
I was referring to both the set of twins. To me, when I read through this, I get a feeling that something's not right with the way they are portrayed.
The only obvious thing that strikes my mind is that they sleep in the same tent and have no problems.
My point is, twins are together for almost their entire life till they get married, and teenage twins would jump at opportunity to get away from each other. This doesn't mean that they hate each other, but....... like I said.... COMPLICATED!!!!!
This seems quite close to me, because I have a twin, and I'm a teen (I'm 15)....
I'll give you the rest later, but for now...
LOVE YOUR WRITING! 
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Tue Oct 12, 2010 1:56 am Post subject: |
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And Something which The Mayor just made me realize,
Twins will not be generally named Kassy and Paige, The names would be quite similar
something like.... Vishal and Vikas(that's us, btw!)....
Its not a big error, but something i wanted to point out!
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Tue Oct 12, 2010 11:54 am Post subject: |
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Glad I caught up with this while it is still in the suggestion phase. This was well written, and flowed well.
I think the obvious suggestion is to hear what the Black twins have to say.
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Masterweaver
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| Posted: Tue Oct 12, 2010 2:11 pm Post subject: |
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Actually, I'm going to be evil and have our twin (whose name I didn't get) actually outright refuse. i mean, this is an obvious "fantasy" hook; wouldn't it be interesting if nobody took it and the "fantasy" butted in anyway?
Grammar grammar grammar. You've got lowercase sentences near the end, and that kind of tore me out of the experience. But the plot's nice. And the Darkes are very clearly not entirely there...
Teeheehee!
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Tue Oct 12, 2010 3:30 pm Post subject: |
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[quote]My point is, twins are together for almost their entire life till they get married, and teenage twins would jump at opportunity to get away from each other. This doesn't mean that they hate each other, but....... like I said.... COMPLICATED!!!!![/quote]
I have a twin, and I must say I disagree. She and I have stayed close our whole lives til now. I can think of only one fight that sent us in opposite directions. Silly as it sounds, through all the moveing, and custody issues, besides forced separation due to parental re-location, we've never been apart for long.
We share a futon still, save on weekeds when my BF comes home, and then she gets the couch. kk's most likely looking at my sister and I when making her assumptions about twins.
I just wanted to point out, not all twins are the same. Oh, and my sister says
"GO TWINS!"
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Tue Oct 12, 2010 7:25 pm Post subject: |
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Exactly my point! We hardly fight, but sometimes, we just need to be alone! Well probably the female twins are like that, idk, but whenever we camp out or something.... we usually try to leave each other and stay alone for sometime!
We usually look for sometime where we can be alone, so we will probably not stick together all the time.
But then again, it could just be the way we are, bcoz all my twin friends want a little more privacy....
Oh, and telll your sister this!
"GO TWINS!"
**HI5**
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Shillelagh
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| Posted: Wed Oct 13, 2010 12:45 am Post subject: |
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I'm with Weaver. If I hate those twins... I probably don't care about any adventure they propose to me. It's probaly dumb and gothy, just like they are. In fact... I might just tell Donna what they're up to. I mean, if the Blacks go on into the cave by themselves, the counselors would probably have to go in after them. And can they leave us alone like that?
Just because the character should do something for the sake of the story doesn't mean that it would make sense for the character to do so. I tend to fall astray of the 'motivation' trap all the time.
But, y'know, again- it's a great start. A little weird when you stop the narrative to throw in details (Paige's description was a bit odd) ... but still a rather nice start. I'm interested to see where you'll go with this. The cave could hold any number of surprises.
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Ihniwid Chapter 5 is up- find it here!
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Vikas Muralidharan
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| Posted: Wed Oct 13, 2010 2:39 am Post subject: |
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Glad Im not extremely late on this one... and btw... just for the record... Im Vishal's Twin...
And Evil twins.... good idea but then again....something not right with the way they are portrayed. Scheming together is on the dot and most twins do that (including us) but something definitely not right.
And btw, Pope, HI5 to you and your sister.... TWINS RULE and I think what Vishal meant was that we love each other but sometimes we just are out of each other's company. But only for a few hours max!
As for the Dp...... Listen to the Blacks. The story seems interesting, and lets keep it Rolling......
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Wed Oct 13, 2010 5:13 am Post subject: |
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3 to listen.
thanks for the insight twins 
have until friday, that's when i'll have the time to write a new chapter
_________________
I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Wed Oct 13, 2010 2:20 pm Post subject: |
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ok i cant take it anymore!!! wats with this?!?!
Note to self: Sword and Sense; FairHeart; The Three Colors of Me; My Life as a Hermit; Perfect Cancer; The Elven Moon
?!?!?!? 
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Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
"Five Bucks Can Take You Far" in Multiverse
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Wed Oct 13, 2010 9:33 pm Post subject: |
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XD they're titles I made up that I have to create a first chapter for at a later date.
- now don't tell anyone >>
Edit: I know I said you guys have until friday, but I forgot about the poll thing XP so I'm setting that up nnow. It ends in 3 days. I'll have all week to brainstorm the next chapter accordingly before sitting down to write it.
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I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Fri Oct 15, 2010 4:29 am Post subject: |
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And voted!
As Meanie might say, the poll result graphic is looking rather like a rude sign at the moment...
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Smee
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| Posted: Fri Oct 15, 2010 5:05 am Post subject: |
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Crunchy - I'm shocked at you *giggles*
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Fri Oct 15, 2010 11:14 am Post subject: |
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wow. o.o indeed it does.
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I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Fri Oct 15, 2010 12:40 pm Post subject: |
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This is a good start kk! A couple grammar errors (mainly the lack of a capital letter, at the beginning of the dialogue, in the second and third from last sentences), but overall the writing flowed well, and I enjoyed it. Well done!
Sorry I wasn't in time to give any suggestions, as to the dp, though I doubt I would have though of anything besides what the others have already suggested anyway.
But I've voted, and I look forward to the next chapter!
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.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
 
 
  
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Fri Oct 15, 2010 3:27 pm Post subject: |
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ok, did some editting.
Thank you for your comment Tikanni. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
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I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 6:45 pm Post subject: |
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I generally don't like double-posting but...
Yes! Adventure= 30%
Give them a chance to explain= 50%
No, sounds risky= 0%
Refuse to listen to them; tell Denna and Henry= 20%
__________________________________________________________________
I just have to say thank you to all who took the time to read and appreciate chapter 1. It was fun reading your guy's thoughts on what could happen next. It was also surpising that I got 4 options out of my dp.
Right now it looks like Kassy is going to be giving the creepy twins a chance to explain their ideas.
_________________
I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
Last edited by kkdestiny on Mon Oct 18, 2010 8:05 am; edited 1 time in total
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Smee
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| Posted: Mon Oct 18, 2010 12:54 am Post subject: |
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10 votes... very nice indeed. It has been a while since I saw such.
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Tue Oct 19, 2010 7:56 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | 10 votes... very nice indeed. It has been a while since I saw such. |
10 votes... ive NEVER seen that before!!!
well, i think we have enough votes to decide what happens in chap 2!! I'm waiting for the next chap!
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Tue Oct 19, 2010 11:11 am Post subject: |
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XD and you'll get it. Just keep in mind that I have college and I did alot the week just to brainstorming the chapter. mk?
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I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 1:33 pm Post subject: Adventure |
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Awwwww....Nobody has the "Let's do it!" Spirit any more.......She should run pel mel wherever adventure lurks!
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 10:55 pm Post subject: |
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its getting quite a long wait, but I guess the chap would be worth it!
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 11:09 pm Post subject: |
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XD a week of poll and a week of brainstorming
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I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Sun Oct 24, 2010 2:32 pm Post subject: |
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Chapter 2 - Listening
"K, we'll be out soon."
We all watched as her silouhette disappeared. "Well, you can listen if you want, Kassy, But I don't want anything to do with anything that means gambling with 'The Blacks'."
She looked at me one final time before grabbing her jacket and crawling out of the tent. As she zipped the door back up, I looked back at 'The Blacks', who were looking at me expectedly. I felt kind of like a fly in a spider's web...but I wondered what exactly it was that they thought up for as an adventure, and it would be rude to not listen to their ideas. "Um, how about we talk about it - after breakfast?"
A part of me shrunk when I saw them grin at each other.
Once I got to the part of camp that we were having breakfast in, I looked around and noted who was helping with what. Denna was making pancakes, Paige was making eggs, and Henry was putting beans in a dutch oven for dinner. I smiled; he was wearing an apron. I looked around again, what could I help with? Suddenly I noticed the jar of instant coffee over by the cups. I could boil water for that. "Does anyone here actually drink coffee?"
"That would be me," answered Henry.
"And me" added Denna, looking up from her pancakes.
"Ok, well, I'll just boil some water for you guys, ok?"
"Alright, thanks." said Henry, who smiled at me before going to add some water to the beans. I wondered about what's for dinner as I went to grab a small pot. "Mind if I have some too?"
"Sure go ahead."
I smiled. Henry was nice. If I ever had a boyfriend; I'd want him to be nice like Henry. But I wouldn't want it to be Henry. I'd have an angry Denna after me, besides , I don't like him like that.
I went over to fill the pot with water, and on my way back to the little mini stove we had, I noticed 'The Blacks' setting up the eating area. I again wondered what it was they planned for an adventure. I lit the fire and set the water on. What would they plan anyways? I imagined a trek through the woods at night, or following bats to find which tree they're hanging in, or something dark and creepy like that. But then, what would the gamble be?
"A watched pot never boils" chimed Paige, effectively breaking me from my thoughts. I smiled a little at her, more out of embarressment than anything. "What else can I do?" I asked.
"How about buttering the toast?"
I look over at the table and see plates with pancakes and eggs on them. 'The Blacks' were there pouring milk for everybody. I looked for the plate with the toast on it. I found it over by where Denna was making pancakes. "Ok."
So I went over to the toast and started to butter it. Once I glanced over at Paige; only to find her watching the same pot I was. So much for that watched pot never boils thing.
I carry the plate of buttered toast to the table, and soon Paige is pouring coffee for the three of us. I added three tablespoons of sugar and poured some of my milk in. I let it cool down as I turned my attention to the rest of the food. This part was pretty much ritual for me. I ate most of the whites around the yolks and then cut in beteween them. I then ceremoniously drizzled ketchup on one of the yolks, lifted onto a peice of toast, and unceremoniously, squished it into a half-sandwich. I allowed the yellow ooze to drip back onto the plate before I took a bite. My sister watched me with the usual bewildered disgust. I ignored her and dipped the end of my sandwich into the yellow puddle before taking another bite. I enjoyed every bite of that sandwich, and the next one.
I was using the last peice of bread to wipe up the remaining yolk when conversation started.
"Did everyone have a good night's sleep?" asked Henry.
I nodded as I stuck the bread in my mouth. I took a sip of coffee before moving onto the pancakes. I didn't have much of a process for these, just to cut it into a bunch of squares and eat as is. 'The Blacks' just nodded, and Paige answered with "Somewhat."
I swallowed so that I could talk. "Somewhat?"
She yawned; it was now that I actually noticed that she was still only half asleep. "I had a nightmare involving the cavern."
"Yea? What happened?"
"It came to life, howled like a wolf, breathed out smoke, and started eating people."
I paused and then laughed. "No wonder you're tired and in a bad mood."
"Wow, that's one crazy dream" said Denna. Henry nodded and set down his cup, "But I can understand where it came from. The tale of Toburna's Cavern is kind of creepy, and we're not all that far from it."
Both Blackes got up from the table, already done with their breakfast, and put their plates in the trashbag. Luna paused, "Is anyone having more milk?"
When we all answered that we weren't, she grabbed it and stuck it back in the cooler. After that, she and Angela went back into the tent to talk about - God knows what. Maybe they were talking about how to make the adventure crazier than what they first thought up of...or maybe the gamble.
"Hmmm."
I turned back at Henry.
"What does everyone want to do?" he asked.
"Sleep," voted Paige.
I smiled, she must have really had a hard time with that dream. "I think I'll stay with her while she naps. I brought a book."
Henry nodded, "Alright. And the Blacke twins are talking to each other. That could last for a while. Denna?"
"Want to go fishing or something?"
"Sure. Kassy, can you watch over camp for a little bit? You could always use the walkie talkie if you need us."
"Sure! Make sure to catch some nice ones."
"Right, see you in a bit."
Yea right, I thought as I watched them trek towards the river. I knew better, fishing can take hours, even in a good spot.
Paige immediately made her way back to the tent. I watched and listened for a moment. The only thing that happened was Paige telling Luna and Angela that she was going to take a nap, and they agreed to keep it down. I started picking things up. I threw out the plates and used napkins. One would think they could throw out their own trash before going off to do their own thing. But oh well, I was positive it would come to Henry soon and he'd make a note to thank me. It's how he was sometimes.
It was while I was wiping down the picnic table, that I heard the door to the tent unzip. I turned to see 'The Blacks' coming out and coming towards me. I knew that it was time to talk about what they had in mind.
"So, Kassy... You wanted to know what we had in mind." started Luna.
I nodded and watched them sit down. I sat across from them. "I want to at least know what the adventure and gamble is."
She smiled. "Well, you know the story about Toburna's carvern?"
"We're thinking of checking it out." added Angela. "But we can't all go. Henry would never go for it."
"That's why we need someone to stay and keep it secret for whoever's going in the cave."
Of course! The cave was a perfect adventure for 'The Blacks' to set up.
"But what about the gamble?"
"The gamble is to see who gets to go and who gets to stay."
I thought so. I sighed and thought about it for a moment.
__________________________________________________________________
Dp? What's her answer? Will she agree to go along and gamble to see if she goes into the cavern?
How about a review of the facts for consideration?
While Kassy generally likes adventure
Paige (her twin) is being cautious and is worried about 'The Blacks'
Paige had a bad dream about the cavern
It's 'The Blacks'.
The cavern is blocked off
Legend says it's blocked off because people who go in don't come back
Henry would not approve
Feel free to mention anything else
and saying that this is an adventure novel, so of course we're going to go for it does not count >.<
_________________
I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
Last edited by kkdestiny on Fri Nov 05, 2010 8:28 am; edited 4 times in total
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Sun Oct 24, 2010 3:15 pm Post subject: |
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So, I'm guessing this gamble is between just the three of them, the Black twins and Kassy? So if Kassy wins the gamble, one of the twins will be left behind. One cannot help but think that, due to their extra discussion, the Blacks probably have more planned than they're letting on. Possibly something along the lines of arranging for Kassy to win the chance to go, so that they can play some kind of a trick on her. I personally wouldn't go along with them if I was Kassy. She doesn't fully trust them, and neither does her sister. I think she should turn them down, and see what happens.
There are a couple of places where there are capital letters where there shouldn't be, and some where there should be and are not. So I would go over it, and correct them. But on the whole, it is another good chapter, leaving the reader asking questions about what might happen next. Looking forward to the next one!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Ingrothechundyer
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| Posted: Sun Oct 24, 2010 4:51 pm Post subject: |
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Nice story so far. I've enjoyed catching up.
As far as the DP if she wants to go there is no need to gamble. They can tell her sister that they are going and then their objectives are fulfilled and the three that are interested in going can go.
As far as the writing Tikanni already mentioned the capitalization.
I would recommend giving the chapter a final read over in the preview screen as I personally find that it helps me catch things like this. | kkdestiny wrote: | | I thought as Iw atched them trek towards the river. |
. I would also suggest running spellcheck
When breaking the though you might want to consider using something shorter. This displayed as three lines when I was reading it and for me it broke immersion in the actual story. | kkdestiny wrote: | | __________________________________________________________________ |
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Mon Oct 25, 2010 3:49 am Post subject: |
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Nice Chap!
Well, I can't see any harm in going, but I guess I would rather not. Probably ask them to go by themselves and read the book I bought along.
Perhaps if I decided to go, I would try and be prepared for anything that the Blacks might want to do, and the dangers of the cave, if we know anything about that.
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Mon Oct 25, 2010 4:22 am Post subject: |
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This is shaping up to be a good story, and so far it is checking nearly all of the boxes required for it to be stickied at the top of the forum - meaning it would qualify for the next Spotlight competition.
Sort out the grammatical and spelling errors - particularly the capitalisation on names and at beginning of sentences, and it'll be there.
Another point I picked up on is that you sometimes spell the Black twins with an 'e' on the end - keep it consistent, one or the other.
For the DP -
I don't trust the twins. I would go, and take somebody else with me, (not Paige) on the condition that either Luna or Angela stays behind. If they're split up they may be easier to handle, plus you can guarantee that they'll cover for one another - and they seem clever enough to be able to pull the wool over Henry's eyes, at least for the time the exploration takes place.
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Shillelagh
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| Posted: Mon Oct 25, 2010 10:10 am Post subject: |
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I'm really confused by this camp. In the first chapter, it sounded like a structured church camp type set-up, with Henry and Denna as counsilors. Now, with those two being the only leaders, and everyone having to do that much work, it sounds more like a bunch of friends who just happened to go camping with two older people to serve as adults. But that can't be right, or the Black twins wouldn't be there.
So... why are they at this camp, again? How is it structured? Why are Henry and Denna the only two with authority? Who can they call for help if the cave backfires?
I don't trust the Black sisters... but I feel like they're gonna enter the cave either way. I'd like to ask Henry, Denna or the others about the cave in a bit more detail. I'd like to know more about it than "It's spooky and no one who enters leaves"
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Mon Oct 25, 2010 8:18 pm Post subject: |
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It ain't structured >>;
It's a group of friend's together. Henry is the only 18 year old, and Denna is his girl friend. The truth is that Luna and angela are friendly with this bunch, at least friendlier than with most people who they ignore. They just happen to also be extremely mischevious :p
...and they just happen to be stupid enough to have someone enter in on a dare even though the story says no one comes out again.
I'm sorry for the confusion of those who are reading this >.< but the truth is that Henry IS resposible for an 18 year old and all of them respect him XD
_________________
I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Mon Oct 25, 2010 8:31 pm Post subject: |
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I enjoyed this.
But I would have liked to see more detail where the foreshadowing elements such as the dream were concerned and less detail where the particulars of the meal and how it was eaten were concerned.
The adventure sounds interesting but if someone is reluctant to go, why the need for a 'gamble' at all? I f5 Chundy on this matter.
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 4:43 pm Post subject: |
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Hmm I think she should see what she has to do for the gamble first.
you spelled piece as peice in many places.
I'm also wondering why in the world does Henry leave these girls by themselves in a forest where anybody could come and grab them. Henry doesn't seem like the sharpest knife in the box so i say we all go...no matter what the Blackes say.
Or...Kassy can tell Paige and they can go without the Blackes
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Smee
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| Posted: Wed Oct 27, 2010 12:10 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | But I would have liked to see more detail where the foreshadowing elements such as the dream were concerned and less detail where the particulars of the meal and how it was eaten were concerned. |
Yes, I too have been getting a little bogged down with the food details, whereas we know almost nothing about the decision point. I don't even like eggs, so such in-depth detail of smushing up a yolk in toast was actually quite gross to me
A campfire story the previous night going over the legend of the cave could have really set the scene that much easier, and give us that much more information about it.
As for the DP, I agree, splitting up the twins is the best bet. So aim for that.
Happy Writing
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The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Fri Oct 29, 2010 12:38 pm Post subject: |
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*loks around* i thought i already replied o.o guess not.
well, I'm afraid of foreshadowing too much, really XP
and the food scene..well that was actually supposed to get some sort of reaction out of people...
uh, the long line thing at the end of the chapter along with the notes at the bottom will be removed towards to adding of the third chapter. I don't know why it's appearing as three segments to you...but I think to almost everybody else, it is a single solid line that is just used -actually- to bring you out of the story and to think about the dp.
_________________
I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Fri Oct 29, 2010 4:15 pm Post subject: |
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Please don't feel bad... I don't think any of us post anything that can't be picked at somewhat and anything said in criticism is meant to be constructive. If we didn't like it, we probably wouldn't have read it far enough to make comments afterwards
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Sun Oct 31, 2010 4:07 pm Post subject: |
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oh...
...wow...
I just noticed my sg's been stickied XD How's long it been like that?
*laghs but then waves it off*
Gotta set up the poll XP
_________________
I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Wed Nov 03, 2010 2:12 pm Post subject: |
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ok since it is currently tied..i'll vote postpone XP
_________________
I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Fri Nov 05, 2010 1:41 am Post subject: |
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Awww, How did I miss this? I'd have voted splitting the twins up.
But finding out more about the caves sounds like a good move - and gives the opportunity to develop some of the lead characters here.
Looking forward to the next chapter.
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Smee
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| Posted: Fri Nov 05, 2010 1:45 am Post subject: |
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Me too! 
Hmmm... I guess I just wait and see what happens next.
Happy Writing
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The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Fri Nov 05, 2010 8:10 am Post subject: |
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Gamble but take one of the twins
33% [ 2 ]
No Gamble
0% [ 0 ]
No gamble/ read a book and let them explore the damn cave
16% [ 1 ]
Postpone until you can ask henry (the one who told the story) about the cave
50% [ 3 ]
*Deletes poll and starts thinking about the next chapter*
_________________
I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
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| Posted: Thu Nov 18, 2010 12:36 am Post subject: |
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| I couldn't agree more on the choice, henry must know more about the cave that what he already told. Good adventure, and can't wait to read more.
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Thu Nov 18, 2010 9:31 am Post subject: |
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I have an announcement!
College is nearing the end of first semeser and finals are coming up. Chapter three will be slow to come (not that it isn't already) I am sorry for this but I really must focus on my classes and will only be able to pop on once in a while at most.
_________________
I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
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Thunderbird
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Fri Nov 19, 2010 5:38 am Post subject: |
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understood ^^ thanks
_________________
I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Fri Nov 19, 2010 4:34 pm Post subject: |
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i think thats a good choice-i mean school is important
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It does not matter how many breaths you take, but how many moments take your breath away.
Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
"Five Bucks Can Take You Far" in Multiverse
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Mon Nov 22, 2010 2:54 am Post subject: |
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| RL always comes first. Don't worry, we'll still be here when you're able to get back.
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Fri Feb 11, 2011 8:13 pm Post subject: |
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in the double effect of bumping this thread and wanting to say something to CF, I make this post.
There's a reason why the identical twins are refered to both the Blackes and 'The Blacks'
They are the Blackes, because their namer is actually Blacke
They are 'The Blacks' because our main twins named them that because 1. They have black hair and 2. They are creepy.
and, I am currently working on the chapter
_________________
I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
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Thunderbird
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Thu Mar 03, 2011 10:28 pm Post subject: |
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This needs a chapter soon!
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The eyes are useless if the mind is blind.
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Fri Apr 08, 2011 4:07 pm Post subject: |
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>>>Bump
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It does not matter how many breaths you take, but how many moments take your breath away.
Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
"Five Bucks Can Take You Far" in Multiverse
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Thu May 05, 2011 10:29 am Post subject: |
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ok, now that exmas are almost over *in the middle of an exam* (XD)
there will be NO MORE school to get in my way. I'm very,very,very, sorry..I even had the great idea of tagging a flashdrive with me...and it has failed...but it's ok, I need to over haul the chapter a bit anyways. henry isn't being all that cooperative for some reason.
_________________
I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
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Thunderbird
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Thu May 05, 2011 7:26 pm Post subject: |
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WB KK!
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Sat Feb 11, 2012 9:54 am Post subject: |
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Chapter 3- Asking
I shook my head, “I don't know. I need to think about it.”
“How long do you need?” challenged Angela, “We're only here for another day.”
I stepped back from the unexpected outburst, and was glad when Luna grabbed her sister's hand. “Angela, it's ok. Let her have some time.”
Angela looked at her sister for a while before taking a deep breath and nodding. “Kassy, you'll have until bedtime to tell us your answer.” Luna said as she turned to me. I nodded my understanding and they left, walking into the woods. I've never seen Angela like that. It made me concerned, and curious as to why they wanted to go into the cave so much. Then I got even more curious, why would they need me to be involved at all?
“Curiouser and curiouser...” I muttered to myself. I watched as the two walked further down the path until they went around a bend. I then looked around the camp and realized something; I had nothing to do. I stood there for another moment before remembering that I had brought a book. Suddenly, Alice in Wonderland was calling me. It was a perfect time to get some reading in.
As I was ducking into the tent, I smiled. Perhaps the cave was like the rabbit hole from Alice in Wonderland. Oh yes, because Joshua Toburna would curse the cavern with little white rabbits and vanishing cats. I laughed but quickly stopped myself as Paige shifted in her sleeping bag. "Just me," I whispered and walked over to my bag to get out my book. I got comfy on my sleeping bag and took out the bookmark.
I must have really gotten into it because the next thing I knew, Henry and Denna were already back; and laughing. I glanced up, noted the activity, and replaced my bookmark. I knew I wouldn't be able to read with their chatter, and I didn't feel right about asking them to be quiet, especially after I noticed that Paige's voice was also with them. I looked over at her sleeping bag- it was empty. Wow, how deep in the rabbit hole was I to have not heard her get up?
I set the book back in my bag and made my way out of the tent. I stretched and looked around. Here's some of the good news: It was still light outside, and when Henry saw me he held up a line with two very large fish on them. I smiled. "Nice fish! How are you going to cook them?" I asked as I walked over to where they were.
"I was thinking of filleting them and serving some up with homemade pork and beans."
"Pork and beans?"
"Yea, I put some bacon in with the beans while you were still in the tent."
Yet another thing I missed while I was stuck in LaLa Land.
But then I looked around. 'The Blacks' weren't back yet.
Denna noticed me looking around.
"Yea...Do you know where those two went?"
"Nope. But they went down that path a while ago." I said as I pointed out said path.
"I'm sure they'll be fine, but if it starts getting dark we'll go look for them." Henry said, assuring Denna who smiled and nodded.
For the next several hours we sat and talked. When the twins came back, Denna was first to spot them and wave them over. Luna seemed to jump right in, but Angela stayed quiet during the whole thing. This was normal, so nobody else seemed concerned with it. But I wondered if she was still angry at me.
We were talking about our favorite movies when Henry noticed that it was getting dark.
"Excuse me for a moment."
"Where are you going?" asked Denna.
"I'm just checking up on dinner"
"Pork and beans, right?"
"Yup."
I watched as Henry stirred and tested the beans before putting the lid on again. My stomach growled. Then it hit me that we didn't have lunch at all that day.
"Is it done?" I asked him as he came back to our group.
"Not as much as I would have liked," he admitted," but we'll be having dinner soon anyways."
"Then you should fillet the fish now, so it'll be ready for dinner" reminded Denna.
"Alright. Sorry guys, but I need you to clear away from the table."
Having stepped away to give him room, I watched as he grabbed a large garbage bag and started scaling the fish. I didn't want to watch it so I went and sit by the fire. Soon I was joined by Paige; while 'The Blacks' went off to do their own business.
"So, what did they tell you?"
"I didn't think you wanted to know."
"Well, now I do."
I laughed a little at her. "I'm not going to tell you," I paused,"But don't worry. I didn't decide yet."
I could tell that she really wanted me to tell her, but I just smiled and turned back to stare at the fire.
The next thing I know, I'm being patted on the shoulder. "Ok, wake up Kassy."
"Wha..?"
Paige smiled as I lifted my head from her shoulder. "You fell asleep."
"Oh."
"Come on, it's dinner time."
I nodded and allowed her to help me up. After dinner, I wanted to go to bed, I probably shouldn't have because I fell asleep earlier. But I had some questions I needed to ask, So I went and found Henry. He was washing dishes.
"Hey Henry."
"Oh hi."
"I wanted to ask you about Toburna's cavern."
"Yea? What do you want to know?"
"Well...what do you know about it? Other than the stories?"
For the first time in a long time, I saw him think on something, and in a way that it seemed like a serious matter. "Well, My grandmother told me some things about it, and has a stash of newspaper clippings." he paused, "I can't really tell you all that I know, you have to ask specific questions about it."
I looked down at the ground for a moment. It took me a while to think of a question at first. "Did people really disappear in the cave?"
"Yes."
"Ok. Um...How many?"
"There were fifteen disappearances, but that's all that were documented."
"Were there any similarities other than them being in the cave?"
This time it took longer for him to answer, and he looked like he didn't really want to tell me.
"Ten of them were twins."
I stared at him, and just barely noted that he squirmed a bit uncomfortably, "Twins?"
He nodded silently.
"You do realize that you have two sets of twins here, right?"
"Hey, I tried to get you guys to cancel the trip before we came."
"You could have refused to take us."
"Then you guys would have gotten someone else to take you, and probably someone who doesn't know anything about the cave"
I didn't have anything to say to that. I couldn't say anything, because he was completely right.
I thought about my conversation with 'The Blacks'. I'm supposed to keep it a secret...
_________________
I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
Last edited by kkdestiny on Mon Feb 13, 2012 9:08 pm; edited 5 times in total
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Sat Feb 11, 2012 9:58 am Post subject: |
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hey hey hey, so sorry that this didn't come 'til....forever -.-
but it's up!
And for some review:
We asked henry about the cave
and we found out that there's some sort of danger, especially towards twins
We're only here for another day
The Blacks seemed awfully determined to check out the cave (Angela's acting weird)
soooooo what is our main character going to do?
_________________
I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2012 3:28 pm Post subject: |
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Hey KK! Long time no see! But good to have you back and writing for us again!
As it's been a while, I did have to give the past couple of chapters a quick scan over, just to get the gist as to what's going on, as, though I could remember vaguely, I needed to just confirm that I was accurate in my thoughts, and to get a feel for the characters again. As for the current chapter, I wasn't disappointed. Another nice addition to your story. It's kinda slow going, but that's not a bad thing. And despite that, one gets the feeling that there is plenty of action to come later on in the story, which I'm very much looking forward to reading more about.
I noticed a few things here...
| Quote: | | I've never seen Angela like that. It made me concerned, and curious as to why they wanted to go into the cave so much. |
I think this needs to be 'I'd' rather than 'I've'.
| Quote: | | I have nothing to do. |
Similar thing here, needs to be 'had' rather than 'have'.
| Quote: | | Here's some of the good news: |
I'm not really sure why, but this doesn't sound right. It seems to take something away from the storytelling aspect, if you get me, and, and away from any tension that it seems to insinuate is going to occur. It's like we're being warned that there's going to be some bad news along with the good news, before we even get to that part. I don't know exactly how to put it, but it doesn't sound right to me, though others might think differently, so don't go changing it purely for my benefit, okay.
| Quote: | | Yet another thing I missed while I was stuck in LaLa Land. |
I think this needs to be 'I'd', rather than just 'I', but I'll need someone else to confirm that.
| Quote: | | My stomache growled. |
Stomach.
| Quote: | | "Then you should fillet the fish now, so it'll be ready for dinner" Reminded Denna. |
This shouldn't be a capital 'R'.
| Quote: | | "i can't really tell you all that I know, you have to ask specific questions about it." |
Capital 'I'.
| Quote: | | "ok. um..How many?" |
Capital 'O'.
Don't take all of this to heart. They're all minor mistakes, and do nothing to the quality of your storytelling.
Okay, for the dp, I'm going to say that our lead charrie does tell Henry about their conversation. The Blacks seem a little too eager to enter the cave. Given it's history, one wonders why they would be so. I mean, they might not know it's history, but it is strange that they want to get inside it so badly, and that Angela is acting strange, and that they're requesting that conversations are kept secret. I'm wondering if there is something more sinister about The Blacks than meets the eye. So yeah, tell Henry, and see what he has to say.
This was a good chappie, KK! Keep up the good work!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Mon Feb 13, 2012 10:05 pm Post subject: |
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i don't usually tend to take things harshly like that. I thank you for taking the time to go through and let me know how i could fix things up, and i even spotted a few more things on the way.
_________________
I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Tue Feb 21, 2012 1:33 pm Post subject: |
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well, i guess i'll just go with that since it's been a while now and i'm not getting anything from any one else.
so, next chapter we will tell Henry about the deal with 'The Blacks'
_________________
I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2012 10:42 am Post subject: *Poke* |
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*Poke* *Poke* *Poke* C'mon KK, I know you have mroe in you!
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Wed Oct 10, 2012 12:29 pm Post subject: |
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Chapter 4: Foiling
....but if most of the people that went missing were twins, then I couldn't take any chances on their stupid gamble.
I started to run over different situations in my head; different ways to tell Henry about what they were planning. But when I looked at him next, my mouth seemed to work on its own.
"The Blackes want to explore the cave."
He immediately stopped scrubbing and looked at me, almost as if he was checking to see if I was serious. Then he went back to washing the dishes, but he was scrubbing much faster. I guess he wanted to get it over with. He reached for the towel, "What, exactly did they say?"
"Uh..well, they said they were gunna set up some sort of gamble to see who gets to stay here and distract you while the other two explored the cave."
"Really..." He trailed off and looked down at his hands as he finished drying them. I wondered was was going through his head. It has been a while since I've seen him so serious after all. I was brought out of my thoughts by the sound of him sighing. "And were you planning to go along with them?"
"I was curious, but you know the Blackes- they love pulling jokes on us and I really didn't like where this was going. Not to mention the fact that Angela was acting weird."
"Weird?"
"Well...yeah. It's kind of hard to say exactly, but she yelled at me about it, and I mean actually yelled. She never does that."
He nodded. "Yeah, that's weird alright." He paused then smiled a little. "Well, thanks for telling me...and thanks for cleaning the table too."
I blinked, confused at first.
"Oh! Wow...yeah."
He laughed at me a little, to which I feigned anger. "Hell of a time to bring that up, though. It's kind of a serious thing isn't it?"
He stopped laughing and nodded. "It is. I think I know how to deal with it tomorrow."
"How?"
"Well, I'm not telling you that part. But I will tell you that I'll be playing my own sort of game with the Blackes tomorrow. I don't think they would suspect a thing."
"I don't think even Denna would suspect you."
"Exactly. Now you go do what you have to do with The Blackes. Then you can go to bed. I'll take care of everything else."
I nodded, feeling better now that I told Henry everything and happy that I got to see a mischevious side to him. I made a mental note to further explore this uncharted territory once we were all back at home.
Finding 'The Blacks', I made towards them. Angela spotted me first, which soon got the attention of her sister. Luna smiled a little, I bet she thought she had me hooked. Once I got up to them, they looked at me expectantly. I took a deep breath. "I do love adventure, but I don't like the risk you guys are giving it. I'm not going along with your plans."
Angela almost spoke up again but I hurriedly interupted her, afraid of her bursting out at me again. "That's final."
Luna put her hand on her sister's arm and as I walked away, ready to go to bed, she seemed to be trying to calm her down. She was probably talking about how they could explore without my help. They didn't know that Henry had something else planned for tomorrow. On that topic, I wondered what he had in mind. I didn't think too much on it though, because I was really, really tired.
I entered the tent. As soon as I did, Paige looked over at me looking concerned. I smiled to reassure her, "I'm not going anywhere tomorrow."
"Good."
I noticed a necklace around her neck that wasn't there before, and I knew she didn't own one like it. "What's that?"
"It's a necklace."
"Well, I know that."
"Then why'd you ask?"
I paused, slightly frustrated with her blunt sence of humor. "Ok, let me try again. Where did you get that necklace?"
"Henry."
"Ok...details please?"
She smiled, and I instantly knew she was waiting see how long I would get to that.
"Henry is lending it to me. He said it's a good luck charm, and that he didn't want anything to happen to us,"she paused for a moment, " but he knows I don't believe in good luck charms, so I've just been wearing it 'cause it looks nice."
"You weren't wearing it before, though."
"I've been wearing it since lunch. I thought you would have noticed earlier."
...since lunch? Now, I was confused, because I just told him about The Blackes plans. I wondered if he had sensed something was up too, but why give it to Paige? Oh yeah...I tend to lose things. If he was only going to lend it, I could see how he wouldn't want it to be me. I yawned. "Ok, well...good night Paige. I wanna get some sleep for whatever we're doing tomorrow."
"Goodnight, sis"
As I wiggled into my sleeping bag and layed my head down, I could hear 'The Blacks' whispering about something before Henry and Denna interupted them, calling it a night. Closing my eyes, the last thing I heard was the tent's zipper and the hushed shuffling of feet.
Fog. There was lots of fog. I lifted my hand up; I could see see it just fine, so it wasn't horribly bad, but I couldn't see anything anywhere else. I started wondering where I was. I remember the first rule of getting lost, stay put. I looked around me. I didn't want to stay put, though. I walked around in deliberate circles, but found nothing to sit on. However, I did hear something. I looked behind me, wondering what was out there. I felt a tingling shiver go up my back. "Hello?"
What I got back was what sounded like far off whispers, and then the fog moved. the whole thing didn't move though, just a part of it, and it seemed slightly darker too. It didn't even occur to me that it might have been something other than the fog.
Only after a little bit of watching the spot where the chunk of fog moved to, did I think that it might be something sentient. I stepped towards it, in an effort to challenge it. It seemed to move a little bit backwards. "What is this fog?" I demanded. More whispers.
And then the fog cleared, and I was being shaken. "Hey, sleepy head. Wake up."
I opened my eyes to see Paige smiling above me.
"Ok, she's up. Can we go now?" I heard Angela saying in the background. What is she so anxious about? Are we leaving already?
"Now, hold on. We have to wait for her to actually get up. You know. Out of bed." Wow, Denna was annoyed. I was too as I got out of my sleeping bag, and grabbed my hair brush. I was starting to wish Angela would go back to normal. They were more tolerable when they weren't pushing people to do stuff, and getting snappy when it wasn't going right. Although, Luna wasn't as bad as Angela right now. I wondered if she felt the same and was just better at hiding it. I stepped outside and began to brush my hair. With a yawn, I looked over at Henry. "What's going on?"
"I found bear scat some ways away from camp. We're packing up camp extra early, getting some berries real quick, and then getting out of here."
Short and direct. He was nervous. I began to wonder if he really did find bear poo, or if it was all his own poo.
"Ok, let me brush through my hair real quick and I'll start packing."
He nodded and everyone else started getting to work. Paige drug my sleeping bag and other stuff out of the tent and put it with her stuff. Then she went to help 'The Blacks' take it down and put it in it's little carrier. Denna was busy packing the car up with everything else. Henry was dealing with the garbage. I quickly set my hair up in a pony, handed my bag to Denna and started to roll up my sleeping bag.
Once everything was done, Henry took out a notepad and a pen to check things off and make sure we got everything. Once we were clear, he turned to us. "Ok. Everyone tuck your pants into your socks and double tie your shoes. Grab your partner, cause we're going berry picking. Denna and I will be in the front, then Angela and Luna, then Paige and Kass. Keep your eyes out for bears. I could have sworn I saw him smile when Angela was obviously displeased with their placement in the group.
"Why are we in the middle? We like being in the back." asked Luna. I guess she didn't like it either. "Because you two drag your feet," replied Henry, "and we need to stay together- as a group."
As it turns out, the first berry patch we found wasn't that far away from the car. Still, I wondered if he really did see that bear scat or if this was his game. After a while I concluded that it had to be fake, since the only thing we were doing after berry picking was going home. There wouldn't have been a chance to play any tricks after we went home. I looked up suddenly. I was a few steps away from paige, but we were more than just a few steps away from the rest of the group. Just in case, I looked around for bears. After I was satisfied, I went back towards Paige.
Sometime later, I looked up again- and found myself in the same spot. The same exact spot. Guessing that I coincidently moved back to the spot, I took a break and sat down, making sure no berries would get squished under me and stain my butt. I sat for a bit and relaxed, and just stared down the path that was in front of me. That was, until a shadow moved. My first thought, amazingly enough, wasn't that it was a bear. Instead, I recalled my dream and how weird it was. But when the shadow moved again, I picked up my berries and went over to Paige. Once I told her about the shadow, she grabbed me and we walked backwards over to the group, and told Henry.
He looked over to where I said it was. I don't think he saw anything, but Henry wouldn't want to take the chance. He turned towards Denna. "Think we have enough berries?"
Denna was eating every berry that she picked, "Honey, I had enough berries a whole minute ago. I was waiting to see how long it'd take you."
"Well, it's time to go." He held his hand out to her and she took it.
"Alright everybody, That's enough, let's get back to the car." He announced loudly, glancing over to the path that I saw the shadow on. Calmly yet anxiously, we grabbed the hand of our partner and moved out. This time the Blacke sisters were in front, and Henry and Denna were in back, watching out for that possible bear. Once we got back to the car, we all buckled up and Henry revved up the engine. I relaxed a little as we drove away, but I found myself looking out the window. I became curious about what we just left behind. Whatever it was, it didn't need exploring, I told myself. In an attempt to distract myself I spoke up to everyone else, "So, any weird dreams guys?"
"Well, I had a dream that I was swimming with fish, and then one of them got Henry's face on it. I was confused about it at first, but then there was a disco ball and some music started playing. The fish turned into a merman version of him, and we started dancing." Chimed Denna.
Henry started laughing, so did Paige. I smiled, it really did sound funny. However, as everyone else laughed, something was tugging at the back of my mind. Determined to drive it away, I looked over at Paige and asked if she had anymore nightmares. She smiled, "Nope. In fact, I don't even remember dreaming last night."
There was more chattering, mostly because I kept bringing up topics to chat about. But at some point the chattering had to stop and I leaned onto Paige's shoulder, intent on using her as a pillow.
Come back.
Startled at the sudden voice, I bolted up. Paige looked at me surprised, but then smiled. "Hey, perfect timing. We're home."
I wiped the sleep away from my eyes and stepped out of the car. I needed to stretch badly. While I was doing so, Paige stuffed my sleeping bag into my arms. henry already had my backpack and pillow and was going up the steps to my house, where my parents were waiting. mom hugged and kissed us both, "So, did you have a good time?"
I smiled at her and dad, who was showing Henry where he could stick our stuff. "Yea, I had fun."
"That's good, any plans to go back before school starts up again?"
"No."
I looked over at Paige, surprised at first at how fast and stirnly she responded. Then again, she seemed uneasy the moment we had camp set up. Mom got concerned, "Something happen?"
"Nothing," I assured her, "She just had nightmares the first couple of nights."
"Well then, come in and out of the chill."
I could see Paige handing Henry his necklace back as I came in.
Come back.
I turned around, hearing the voice again. But no one was there. Henry passed by me and said goodbye. I nodded silently, still in thought about the voice. Once the car was out of sight, I closed the door. That's when the goosebumps finally hit. Paige ran up and grabbed my hand, "Come on, let's take a nap. I know car rides make you sleepy."
______________________________________________________________
So uh...I guess dp would be ignore it and take a nap, or tell Paige, or tell Henry or...whatever XD I'm just glad to have it up.
yes, i know there are mistakes. i'll get to them...eventually...
_________________
I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
Last edited by kkdestiny on Tue Oct 16, 2012 10:06 am; edited 1 time in total
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Tikanni Corazon
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Joined: 25 Oct 2009
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Location: Running through the plains of my mind, my wolf spirit at my side (but doing so in the UK!).
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| Posted: Sat Oct 13, 2012 7:41 pm Post subject: |
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Hey KK!
Great to see a new chappie from you after all this time! And a good edition to your story. I did have to scan over the preceding chapters to get back into the story, but that was no trouble. And wow! What's happening with Cass!!? Suddenly having strange dreams and an eerie voice speaking to her even when she's awake!
Found a few small things...
| Quote: | | "Really..." He trailed off and looked down at his hands as he finished drying them. I wondered was was going through his head. It has been a while since I've seen him so serious after all. i was brought out of my thoughts by the sound of him sighing. "and were you planning to go along with them?" |
The letters quoted in red need to be capitals.
| Quote: | | "Well...yea. It's kind of hard to say exactly, but she yelled at me about it, and I mean actually yelled. She never does that." |
Yeah
| Quote: | | He laughed at me a little, to which I feigned anger. "Hell of a time to bring that up, though. It's kind of a serius thing isn't it?" |
Serious
| Quote: | | "Well, I'm not telling you that part. But I will tell you that I'll be playing my own sort of game with the Blackes tomorrow. I don't think they would suspect a thing." |
This would read better the 'would' were removed and either replaced with 'will' or have the 'they' changed to 'they'll'.
| Quote: | | I took a deep breath. "I do love adventure, but I don't like the risk you guys are giving it. i'm not going along with your guys' plans." |
Capital 'I' for I'm and the sentence doesn't sound right with 'guys' written in there, so I think it should be removed.
| Quote: | | Now, I was confused, because I just told him about The Blackes plans. I wondered if he had senced something was up too, but why give it to Paige? Oh yea...I tend to lose things. If he was only going to lend it, I could see how he wouldn't want it to be me. I yawned. |
Sensed and Yeah
| Quote: | | Paige drug my sleeping bag and other stuff out of the tent and put it with her stuff. |
I don't actually know if 'drug' is a word when used in this manner, but it doesn't sound correct and would be better as 'dragged' I think.
| Quote: | | "Well, I had a dream that I was swimming with fish, and then one of them got Henry's face on it. I was confused about it at first, but then there was a disco ball and some music started playing. The fish turned into a merman version of him, and we started dancing." |
Not sure who is speaking here.
| Quote: | | She smiled, "Nope. In fact, I don't even remeber dreamng last night. |
Remember and Dreaming.
| Quote: | Paige stuffed my sleeping bag into my arms. henry already had my backpack and pillow and was going up the steps to my house, where my parents were waiting. mom hugged and kissed us bohth, "So, did you have a good time?"
I smiled at her and dad, who was showing Henry where he could stick our stuff. "Yea, I had fun." |
Capital 'M', Both, and Yeah.
| Quote: | | I looked over at Paige, surprised at first at how fast and stirnly she responded. then again, she seemed uneasy the moment we had camp set up. Mom got concerned, "Something happen?" |
Sternly
| Quote: | | Once the car was out of sight, i clsoed the door. that's when the goosebumps finally hit. Paige ran up and grabbed my hand, "Come on, let's take a nap. I know car rides make you sleepy." |
Capital 'I' and Closed.
There are also quite a few incidences where capital letters are needed, particularly with names and titles, so you'll need to go over those and find them.
I recommend that you download this - http://wisedownloads.com/go/AbiWord/?subid=microsoft%20office&source=google_AbiWord-search-Office-UK_1 - It's free and it's what I use. It'll point out any misspelled words and either correct them for you automatically or point them out.
For the DP, I'm going to say that Cass goes straight to tell Paige. Her sister is acting a little weird to me, but I think she's the person that Cass can trust the most right now.
Good to see this up and running again, KK! Keep up the good work!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Tue Oct 16, 2012 10:10 am Post subject: |
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Thanks for reading Tikanni!
I think I got most of it, so it should be a smoother read.
I'd like for everyone to keep in mind that where I am, we don't add the H to 'yeah'.
So I'm going to make that mistake, A LOT.
...now if only I could get some of my readers back. >.<
_________________
I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Fri Oct 19, 2012 11:45 pm Post subject: |
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Caught up, and it was a great re-read! Really happy to see this off and running again xD
There were a lot of small, recurring mistakes, so I'd recommend that you do get something to check your spelling errors. They aren't major mistakes, but it gets frustratingly distracting at times xD However, this story has gotten me all the more intrigued now. Definitely want to follow all the way through.
First, I'd recommend that we tell Paige, and then we talk to Henry. I don't think he's telling us everything he knows. Also, talk to him about the voice. We really need to confide in someone who knows about the cave.
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The eyes are useless if the mind is blind.
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Sat Oct 20, 2012 10:31 pm Post subject: |
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ok, I'm looking for another reader...
Vikas perhaps?
Misterbiz?
_________________
I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
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Seraphi
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| Posted: Mon Nov 05, 2012 11:53 am Post subject: |
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Well, I'm not Vikas or misterbiz...so I hope you don't mind me chiming in!
I had fun reading through this story. It started a little slow for my tastes, though that did give me ample time to get acquianted with the characters. I was also slightly confused by the setting for most of it...but it was still an enjoyable read. I found one thing that made me stumble...
| kkdestiny wrote: | | As soon as I did, Paige looked over at me looking concerned. I smiled to reassure her, "I'm not going anywhere tomorrow." |
I'd suggest "Paige looked over at me, concerned." Or something along those lines, as long as it gets rid of the double look.
I really liked the dream and the mysterious voice that comes in at the end. For the DP, I say we tell Paige. She also had a dream while at the camp, plus she might be hearing a mysterious voice too, and that's why she's acting a bit funny. Henry can always be told later, maybe we can somehow even convince him to take us back to the campsite/cave. Twinsy pow-wow time first, though.
Keep it up!
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Mon Nov 05, 2012 6:41 pm Post subject: |
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Actually, it's just what I needed thanks
and for the record, any one is welcome to read through.
_________________
I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 1:10 pm Post subject: |
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So the poll's up. Actually, it's been up but I forgot to update the thread's title.
We have three very similar choices, but each of them is quite different in their own way.
I must admit, I'm actually excited to be moving on past chapter 4!
_________________
I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Thu Dec 06, 2012 5:20 am Post subject: |
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no more votes, eh?
_________________
I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Fri Nov 08, 2013 2:30 pm Post subject: |
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One last chance guys, I just re-read the last chapter. I might have enough juice to spit out the next one, and it doesn't feel like any of the characters are gunna fight me this time
So, any more votes or should I just get on with it already? XD
_________________
I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Fri Aug 28, 2015 6:46 am Post subject: Chapter 5 |
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ok ok, im getting off my butt and writing X3
_________________
I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
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Novelest_Ninjagirl
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| Posted: Wed Sep 09, 2015 4:30 pm Post subject: |
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Just caught up, and throwing my voice in while waiting for the next chapter. The story is intriguing, if not my usual story, but there seem to be moments where you switch between past tense and present tense and that, personally, is one of the things that breaks immersion for me the most.
Definitely excited to keep reading, and maybe see what was making all the twins act so oddly.
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My latest SG! (Image courtesy of the lovely Lebrenth)
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Novelest_Ninjagirl
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| Posted: Tue Oct 20, 2015 11:57 am Post subject: |
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Not my place, but I'm pestering the thread because I was excited to see where this was going, and it saddened me to see that the last post was so long ago. Be sure to let me know if you're not getting back to this one, and I'll cease the pestering. ^^
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Tue Oct 20, 2015 3:36 pm Post subject: |
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Oh nah, I'm going to post another chapter...its just thta last tme I tried, my progress was deleted and its been pretty tough making myself keep fighting away to get wordage on it.
_________________
I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
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themightyzan
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| Posted: Fri Nov 06, 2015 11:35 am Post subject: |
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I know exactly how that feels. It's terrible. Sorry! ~.~
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Novelest_Ninjagirl
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| Posted: Tue Dec 22, 2015 7:45 pm Post subject: |
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*pokes* It's been a while, what're the chances of you taking another shot at that chapter? *hopeful eyes*
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kkdestiny
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Strata-gems
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| Posted: Mon Jan 04, 2016 5:49 pm Post subject: |
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I'm thinking soon, actually
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I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
Arts and Poetry Mod
Joined: 10 Oct 2010
Posts: 1858
Location: Surrounded by many beautiful naked men
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Legends
13801 Fables
Strata-gems
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| Posted: Tue Jan 19, 2016 1:42 pm Post subject: |
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*Rolls in* Finally got to reading it C'mon Miss Mayor! We need a new chappy! I wanna see what happens next!
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To Be A Knight
And my first Finished work Death Day
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Novelest_Ninjagirl
Respected Citizen
Joined: 09 Dec 2007
Posts: 700
Location: The inn. Probably. Come check!
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Legends
5126 Fables
Strata-gems
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| Posted: Wed Mar 09, 2016 12:05 am Post subject: |
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I know you've got quite a bit on your plate, but as I resume my activities on If, I can't help but make a hopeful remark that I hope soon arrives, well, soon! ^^
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My latest SG! (Image courtesy of the lovely Lebrenth)
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kkdestiny
Mayor
Joined: 05 Oct 2010
Posts: 674
Location: The Library of Interfable History
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Legends
7049 Fables
Strata-gems
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| Posted: Tue Mar 22, 2016 8:46 am Post subject: |
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Heheh, yeah. My days are scheduled pretty much to the half hour on some days and my computer access is limited for the moment. I'm working on this, and will hopefully be much less stressed soon and be able to set up a chapter here
_________________
I now have three SGames! "Mist in a Cave" Chapter 5 is in the works
"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
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