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crazybookgal
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 Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 4:21 am Post subject: Brandi's Story Chapter 6 Part 2 |
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“I think your GPS is busted”
Brandi glanced at her best friend, “What do you mean?”
“It says to go straight, but that’s not possible” Brandi looked ahead and saw that she was right. The road turned left and right, but straight ahead was a line of tall pine trees. She banged the wheel of her car in frustration.
“Kara we don’t have time for this! You know how much is on the line. Have you tried recalculating?”
“Only about a million times!”
“Maybe you should check the advertisement again?” suggested Brandi.
Kara studied the newspaper clipping, and then the address on the screen, “This is the same address. Besides, right where the road ends the map ends too” Brandi glanced at the GPS screen, and sure enough, right about the place the tree line was, the map was a blank gray.
Brandi was close to tears. They needed this job. No other job offered that much money. This was their last chance.
Last chance. The phrase echoed in her inner ear as something flickered in Brandi’s brain. Maybe it was a memory, a dream, or raw instinct. The important thing was Brandi knew what to do.
The world seemed to slow down instead of speeding up, as one would expect it to, as she hit the gas. She could see the line of trees drawing dangerously close, and she could hear Kara’s panicked voice.
“Brandi? BRANDI!” Brandi squeezed her eyes shut, fully expecting to crass into thick pine trunks, but the moment never came.
She opened her eyes and gasped. Spread before two girls was a landscape made entirely out of grass.
About three inches high, the stuff seemed to go on forever, in all directions. The line of trees were nowhere to be seen. It was a lush, bunny-rabbit dreamland.
As Brandi and Kara gaped at the sudden change of scenery the GPS chimed, “You have arrived at your destination”
“Destination?” squeaked Kara, then getting louder said, “DESTINATION? What kind of destination is this? Oh Brandi what did you do?”
“It worked”, this was the only answer Brandi could come up with.
“IT WORKED?!”she cried, getting hysterical now “What worked? I don’t understand! I DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Brandi grabbed her by the shoulders, “I don’t understand it either okay, but…” Kara wasn’t listening.
“All I wanted to do is help Jenna! Now how am I going to do that? Now she’s…”
“Kara”
“…terrible person. I don’t deserve…”
“Kara!”
“…failed everyone. I failed…”
“KARA!”
“FAILURE! FAILURE! FAILURE!”
Brandi slapped her across the face. Kara shut up-shocked.
“Sorry, but you were scaring me”, apologized Brandi.
“No I needed to get a grip”, Kara assured her, “Maybe we can just back up”
“Huh?”
“To get back”
“Oh-yeah”, Brandi felt disappointed that they hadn’t been able to find what they were looking for. She put the car in reverse, and backed up.
No results.
“We could just start driving”, suggested Kara.
“Which way? I don’t have that much gas, mind you”
They both sat back to think. Brandi thought about the article that had brought them here. The advertisement had read, “5,000 per month-no experience needed-adolescents preferred” They had been wary of the article’s curious nature, but the young woman figured they could take care of themselves.
Suddenly, Kara’s eyes widened. She jumped up and pointed off to the right.
“Look a sign!” At first Brandi thought Kara was hallucinating, but then she saw it, too. It was perched on a hill, too far away to read.
Brandi started up the car, and they drove toward the only man-made thing in a world seemingly made of grass. Halfway up the hill the car sputtered to a stop. Brandi quickly put it in park.
“I guess we walk from here”, breathed Kara.
“Yep”, said Brandi, hopping out of the car onto the spongy grass. Kara followed suit. They hiked up the rest of the hill, until they came to the sign. It was a green that had showed a lot of wear and tear. In white letters it read:
Welcome to Greensdale
Population
20
“Greensdale? I don’t see a…”Brandi stopped in her tracks. On the other side of the hill was a small town.
It was one of those where apartments were on top of the shops. There was a grocery, a bakery, and other shops. On the other side of the street was more modern apartments. At the end of the little town was a big metal building. There was a sign on it that listed the companies inside.
City Hall
Mayor’s Office
Police Force
Coyote Co.
Coyote Company? What is that?, thought Brandi.
“Well are we going or not?”prompted Kara curling a strand of cherry-red hair
around her finger.
“We should watch the…” , Brandi turned around to an empty field, “…car” The tire tracks were there, but no car.
“To the town then”, chirped Kara trying to lighten the mood. So the two girls set off down the hill.
What they didn’t see was the sign changing, so it now read.
Welcome to Greensdale
Population
22
Okay it's kind of short and has a lot of dialogue, but here you go- the first chapter. And the DP is simply: What do they do now? What happens next? What should they do in Greensdale?
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Last edited by crazybookgal on Sun Jun 19, 2011 4:42 am; edited 18 times in total
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 5:13 am Post subject: |
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Well, this is an intriguing one. And who's Jenna, I wonder? Why have they gone for this job advert? What does Brandi mean by 'It worked?' - questions that are sure to be answered in due course, I hope.
The Coyote Co. stood out for me, too. Perhaps it is because it is the only one that doesn't sound 'official'. But can it (whatever it is) be trusted?
It's a very small population for a town that sports a big metal building containing a city hall, mayors office and its own police force.
My suggestion would be to not go to the big metal building yet. Let's find out a little more about the town from the 20 'locals'.
Good start! 
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 8:43 am Post subject: |
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I really liked this  I'd ask for a little character description woven in there and I was trying at first to figure out which one was losing it there in the car. Was that some sort of supernatural-like trance?
Yeah, and company that has the name Coyote might be less than safe. But surely that's where we're s'posed to be. I guess we'd best not be late for the interview but if we felt we had time I'd like to check in with the Police to make sure we aren't operating under any unusual laws we should know about.
BTW, when you said 'putting it in reverse' didn't work... did you mean that they couldn't cross back over again? Eeek. Where are we going to rent a new place here? And... gasp... we've left our computer back home!!!! NOOOOOOO!
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 CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...  
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Smee
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| Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 8:57 am Post subject: |
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Welcome to the Fantasy Forest* CBG
As the others have said, a most intriguing start. I thought the beginning was very well done. The description and dialogue wove together well and it all seemed very believable.
A 'Potter' station 9 3/4's type-event was fun too, I especially liked the 'You have arrived at your destination". 
After that I thought you perhaps rushed a little to the end of the chapter. They accepted the car stopping, the low populated village, even the car vanishing all very easily, but maybe that can be explained by shock.
You described the office at the end as a 'big metal building'... that conjures the image of something solid and daunting, like a prison or something equally imposing. Is it so intimidating a building, or is it more like a modern office block, a combination of metal and glass that can actually look quite pleasant whilst also appearing official?
Seems like there's a lot going on in that metal building, although I'm surprised they could read such a sign all the way at the end of town - it must be a very big sign 
If the job advert went out all over the place, then the 20 population might simply be other would-be applicants. So it wouldn't surprise me to find quite a few other confused, and lost 'adolescents' wandering around too. I would have a look around for such others.
Happy Writing
*The best place to be of course!
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 10:35 am Post subject: |
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I'm glad u liked it i appreciate ur comments(a cheesy line, I know, but i really do!)
Anyway the metal building is supposed to kind of stand out from the old-fashioned town. Its origins will be explained next chapter
oh and Thunderbird i like the unusual laws idea!!! i could have fun with that...
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Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 11:07 am Post subject: |
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I agree with the others, 'tis a very intriguing beginning, and I enjoyed it.
I have to say, I was surprised at their reaction to the car just disappearing. I think that, if it were me, I would have been pretty freaked out by such a thing happening, and it would certainly make me wary about entering a town that right from the off, was trying to make if difficult for me to leave.
I think they should be a little more wary of what they might discover in Greensdale, and maybe try and sneak into town to try and get a feel of the place first, and see what kind of people inhabit it.
Nice start though, CBG! Look forward to reading chapter two!
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Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
 
 
  
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 12:47 pm Post subject: |
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Freeeaky town >>
and what's bad, therer are apartments on top of shops where I live XD
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"The Freedom of Magic" Just got its THIRD chapter up!
Hope you all find the time to read them *goes off to look for an SG to read*
Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
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Masterweaver
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| Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 12:50 pm Post subject: |
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I say, don't go to Greensdale at all. It's obviously magic. I obviously has its own rules.Walk away, try to find other places.
But if we have to go to Greensdale, we should check to see if our money works. Go to the store. If it's not accepted, get a job.
Actually, maybe you could split up the pair! Yeah! Like, most popular option Brandi goes, second most popular Jenna goes!
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 2:12 pm Post subject: |
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tsk tsk masterweaver, voting to kill off Jenna before you even know her position in the story or maybe when u say Jenna, u mean Kara? in any event Jenna is probaly not going to have a prominent place in the story.
But of course you never know 
MUHAHAHAHAHAHA
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Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
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Masterweaver
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| Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 2:32 pm Post subject: |
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| ...Who is Kara? I didn't see any Kara...
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 2:47 pm Post subject: |
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r u messin with me??? it's Brandi's friend- the one who got hysterical? Someone help me out here
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Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
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Shillelagh
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| Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 2:54 pm Post subject: |
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The dialogue confusion could be helped by throwing in a "said Brandi" every now and then- even if there are only two people talking back and forth, it helps to re-declare to the reader who is talking. Otherwise, the eye easily gets lost and we forget who is actually talking.
Considering the nice pacing of the opening, I felt the ending section was very rushed. We had so much detail with the car scene, it felt like the two approaching Greensburg was rushed.
That being said... I say wait on the big, metal building. I'm more curious about the apartment building, or perhaps the grocerty store- or one of the other stores nearby. Until they get hired, they're tourists- they should take advantage of that.
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Ihniwid Chapter 5 is up- find it here!
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 4:10 pm Post subject: |
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oh btw Smee, they accepted the car stopping because they knew they had very little gas left:
| Quote: | | “Which way? I don’t have that much gas, mind you” |
therefore they weren't very shocked at that one. though i do agree perhaps a car disappearing probaly should have gotten a more dramatic reaction. Maybe Kara was to weary from her first outburst.
Again thx 4 the comments
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It does not matter how many breaths you take, but how many moments take your breath away.
Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
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Smee
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| Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 11:12 pm Post subject: |
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You're right, the car disappearing was a bigger issue, but to explain what I meant.
Yes I saw the part about being low on petrol. She wasn't kidding when she didn't have much... it must have been all but empty as they went through the 'magic trees' if it ran out so quickly.
"I guess we walk from here."
Again - it just seems a very calm reaction. I agree they might not have been shocked at the car stopping, but shock isn't the only emotion. There's anger, annoyance, irritation, frustration, all of which still fit even when expecting it.
e.g.
As the car shuddered to a halt Brandi thumped the steering wheel.
"Damn, and crap. So close!"
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Mon Oct 18, 2010 3:50 am Post subject: |
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ah i see!!!! thx smee ill work on my emotions
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Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Mon Oct 18, 2010 5:50 pm Post subject: |
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k i hope this isnt too early to put up a poll...
Merry Voting
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Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
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Smee
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| Posted: Mon Oct 18, 2010 11:12 pm Post subject: |
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So no option for finding other people here for the job?
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 3:52 am Post subject: |
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LOOK! A TIE!!!!!!!!!!!
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Ingrothechundyer
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| Posted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 1:20 pm Post subject: |
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| Thunderbird wrote: | Sheesh! Doesn't ANYONE else feel like its important to be on time for our interview?  |
Personally I would be more worried about it if I know that it was close to the time. IMO a police report can make for a decent excuse for being late since the person doing the interview should (hopefully) sympathize with us being stranded.
| Vishal Muralidharan wrote: | | LOOK! A TIE!!!!!!!!!!! |
And three ways at that
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Last edited by Ingrothechundyer on Wed May 25, 2011 7:18 am; edited 1 time in total
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 7:51 am Post subject: |
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Looks like the tie is broken and guess what... Another poll goes into double figures! Well done CBG! 
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Fri Oct 22, 2010 3:27 am Post subject: |
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Visit the shops and chat up the locals.
30% [ 3 ]
Enter the town secretly
0% [ 0 ]
Swing over to the police station(our car got stolen remember?)
30% [ 3 ]
Go to the advertisement address
40% [ 4 ]
Total Votes : 10
And the winner is *dramatic pause* Go to the advertisement address!!!!
Thanks for voting guys I'll try to get the chapter up by Monday
_________________
It does not matter how many breaths you take, but how many moments take your breath away.
Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
"Five Bucks Can Take You Far" in Multiverse
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Mon Oct 25, 2010 5:40 pm Post subject: |
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Chapter 2
As Brandi swished through the soft grass that grew so abundantly in this world, she assessed the situation.
Kara and she were lost in a world full of grass, with a strange town-so small it shouldn’t even be called a town, without a car, and about ten bucks between them.
Brandi’s heart quickened as she thought about this. What if she never saw her dad, or her brother again? In a moment of panic, she even found herself worrying over her mom.
Brandi slowly shook her head, clearing her head. She wrinkled her nose at the thought of her mother. The two always argued. She and her mother never seemed to agree on anything. Brandi smiled faintly, for her thoughts had led her to how she and Kara had met.
Brandi had just had a nasty spat with her mom, Mandy Chandler, and the raging teen had run away. She ended up walking through a cemetery. In that cemetery, Brandi had found Kara kneeling at a weathered gravestone.
Kara’s mother had died when she was twelve years old. Every time she looked in the mirror, she saw her mom’s hazel eyes and blond hair. So, she dyed it a cherry red, and has been dying it for almost 4 years.
When Brandi looked at Kara that day, she saw someone broken and alone, and her heart went out to Kara. So, they became friends, and Brandi took care of Kara. Soon the peppy girl showed her true nature, as someone who loved life and puppies.
Now, Brandi stole a look at Kara. Her friend was oddly quiet. Kara wrung her hands nervously as she walked. Brandi looked at her friend.
“What do you think happened to the car?” Brandi asked to start some conversation.
Kara bit her lip, “The car? The car is right over that hill, and we can get it and drive out of here” She’s in denial.
“Kara, have you taken your medication today?” Kara rolled her eyes and grinned. Brandi relaxed. She had calmed her down.
The bouncy redhead cocked her head, “What do we do now? Go to the job address?”
“Do you still have the advertisement?” asked Brandi excitedly.
“Yup”, confirmed Kara. Brandi jumped up, and hugged her tightly.
“At least today won’t be a total loss!”As she hugged Kara, though, a small voice whispered, What if the address isn’t here? The thought hadn’t seemed to occur to Kara, so Brandi pushed the thought away.
The town seemed empty. No one was out and about. It gave Brandi the chills. Kara, however, was too preoccupied by her task to notice the spooky emptiness.
Kara turned her head from side to side as she looked for the address, “1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8…” They stopped.
There stood the metal building, tall, windowless, and daunting.
“#9 Willow Street”, said Kara in a shaky voice. Then she went pale.
“What? What is it Kara?” Kara shoved the advertisement at me.
9 Willow Street
Greensdale Sector
Brandi gulped, “D-did it say that before?”
“I-I don’t know”
“This is one creepy town” The girls walked into the building.
They blinked with surprise. The inside of the building looked like a perfectly normal office building lobby. Brandi and Kara walked across the clean white tiles to a black desk so polished; Brandi could see her brown curls reflecting in it.
“We’re here for the job interview”, said Brandi coolly to the secretary.
She was a tiny, black woman with an over-sweet smile, “Well hello. Um I don’t think there’s an interview today…wait I’m wrong-yes there is”, the secretary checked her computer.
“Ah it’s at Coyote, that’s downstairs” Brandi couldn’t move, for she was filled with dread. Kara seemed close to hyperventilating. The secretary looked annoyed.
“There’s the elevator”, she said, pointing. Brandi grabbed Kara and dragged her to the elevator, shoving her friend inside.
“Kara calm down!” said Brandi roughly.
“Sorry” apologized the redhead, “this place just gives me the creeps” Brandi nodded and hit the Lower Level button.
The elevator doors opened to a dimly lit hallway. In that hallway was a very big man, dressed in black.
“You here for the interview?” his voice thundered. The girls nodded. The man motioned with a burly arm. “Come with me”
Brandi and Kara followed the man through a series of hallways to a room, as big as an interrogation room. The girls shivered and sat down at the table in the small room. The strong man left.
The door opened again. A man with a large notepad entered the room. Sitting in the chair at the other side of the table, the man somehow extended his notepad to include a paint set, a pen, and some brushes.Brandi rubbed her eyes. Did she just see that?
“So”, said the man with an unidentifiable accent, “What brings to Coyote for a job?” He flicked a hand, and the paints and brushed started painting on the notepad. By themselves. The girls shared a look.
Brandi shook her head and answered, “We, ah, need cash” She prayed that he wouldn’t ask why.
The man continued asking them about strengths, talents, etc. Brandi revealed the self-defense classes she had taken with her mom, her clear head and quick thinking in a bad situation, her hatred of cheerleaders, and her clashes with the soccer team(resulting in fights, and being sent to the principal’s office).
Kara told about her straight-A status, her eye for details, her creativity, her love for nature, and her light steps and clear water singing voice. They both enjoyed strategy and problem solving.
All through their confessions the man hid his face behind his notepad. After a few more questions, the man turned his notepad around. On it were notes on what they had said, and a few illustrations of eyes, hair, and some indecipherable images. The man briskly left the room.
As he left the room, he muttered, “You’re hired” Before the teenagers could celebrate, they were whisked into a laboratory.
They were sat on examining tables where they had a check-up sort of examination.
Then a man in white turned to them and said, “This might hurt a bit” Before the girls knew what was happening, there was five deep scratches in their arms.
Brandi watched as blood dripped down her arm. Then, to her astonishment, the droplets formed a scene; two coyotes dipping and jumping. The man in white caught the droplets in a small tub.
“Hold this”, he said and turned his back on her. Brandi turned and saw that Kara was holding a tub also. Panic ripped through her, and an idea formed.
“Kara”, she whispered, “Trade with me”
“What”, Kara whispered back, confused.
“Just do it!” hissed Brandi. Kara did what was asked of her. The man in white took their tubs and capped them.
Whipping out a pen, the man asked, “How do you spell your names?”
“C-A-R-A”, answered Kara promptly. Brandi was impressed-it was a good idea. The doctor-like man turned to Brandi.
“B-R-A-N-D-Y”
“Very good” commended the doctor, handing them a slip of paper he added, “This is where you will stay, your parents have been notified, information is at your apartment, and you will meet your employer tomorrow” The man snapped his fingers, and they were shown out.
The brisk way the men had handled Brandi and Kara, had rushed off any emotions. Now they had them all at once. They grinned and giggled with delight at getting the job.
“I can’t believe it”, Brandi practically shouted.
”Too bad the staff isn’t that friendly”, said Kara with a grin.
“Oh yeah that doctor is a charmer”
Kara widened her eyes in mock astonishment, “He’s my fiancé, didn’t you know?”
“I’m the maid of honor?”
“Of course”
“You have to hook me up with that strong guy, though”
“Oh yes” The girls collapsed in giggles.
Brandi adopted an uncomfortable expression, “Did you see that image, with-with the blood?” Kara nodded and wrung her hands for the second time that day.
Mad at herself to have brought it up, Brandi diverted her attention, “So what now?”
So what now indeed? Sorry for pretty much the same DP. After they start their job it will get more interesting, I promise! Oh and if you think of a better title please tell me, though this one is kind of growing on me. I might stick with it.
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Mon Oct 25, 2010 8:15 pm Post subject: |
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Nice! I'm really liking this!
My only complaint was that you didn't take the time to explain the interview through dialogue. Though it might have been lengthy, it would have been intriguing. I would be hanging on every word, expecting each to be a hint of what this strange place could be. And I'm feeling like Kara is a little bit psychologically frail which doesn't endear me to the character. Still, I won't complain about the delivery. Otherwise I thought this was quite good.
As for the DP, what do we know about the job we've been hired for exactly? Maybe we should speak with some of the other... staff?
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 2:52 am Post subject: I think..... |
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Interesting. I like the concept, but...the whole thing seems waaaay too rushed. The almost complete lack of descriptions, like all the other buildings in toen, the interviewer, the lab. Spending a little more time through their eyes would do this story much good.
I'm very interested as to why they did the blood swap....Maybe a little recreational drug use? A better description of the cyote thing would be nice. Like I said, good story, could be better, but a good start.
I can see mand 'interesting' staff members. Maybe one, sneaking around, slipping them notes. Telling them to get out while they still can. Maybe some late night time in the lab.....unknown to them of corse! Wakeing up with wings....But that's just my mind running wild.
Good good, fun read, hope to see more!
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| Posted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 8:11 am Post subject: |
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I enjoyed the chapter and am also interested in what they can find out from the staff.
At the very least they need to make sure that they know when they need to come back or that the staff can find them with instructions on what to do.
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 4:29 pm Post subject: |
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okay maybe i did rush it a bit, but in my defense I did want it to have a idea of confusion when they were whisking the girls to the different rooms.
As for the blood swap my reasoning is:
Would you like these creepy people to have your blood sample? Brandi wanted them to have a bit of an alias.
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Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Wed Oct 27, 2010 2:49 pm Post subject: |
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I agree that the interview process was a little rushed. You have a number of faceless characters here - don't be afraid to inject some dialogue and body language to bring them to life. Even if you don't describe them physically in great detail, their actions and their words will give each of them an identity and add to the atmosphere of your scene.
For the DP I think that swapping the samples and mis-spelling their own names is about all they can do for now. To make sure their new 'employer' does not suspect anything they need to do as they're told for now, and go to their new apartment. Perhaps the instructions that await them will reveal a little more about what they're getting themselves into.
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Wed Oct 27, 2010 3:27 pm Post subject: |
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I agree with the others, good concept, but needs to slow down, and have a little more description. You needn't worry too much about the length. Some of my chapters for SparkleSteps have been epic, though I wouldn't recommend that either, as it's a bit much for readers to get through. But an extra couple of hundred words to give your readers a clearer picture of what they're reading about won't hurt. Despite this, it's still very good.
As for the dp, I agree with Crunchy. Go look for an apartment, and settle down for the night. Don't want to be left outside at night in this creepy town.
Looking forward to chapter 3!
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Fri Oct 29, 2010 11:52 am Post subject: |
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Psssst! Brandi's Story is polling!
Voted!
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Ingrothechundyer
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| Posted: Fri Oct 29, 2010 1:25 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for the heads up Crunchy.
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Mon Nov 01, 2010 3:25 am Post subject: |
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Sorry forgot to tell u guys bout the poll.
It's gonna close tonight so get your votes in!!!!!!
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Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Mon Nov 01, 2010 3:54 am Post subject: |
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s'okay!
We still have a good poll there!! We have enough votes to get the story going, and that's what we want right?!
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Mon Nov 01, 2010 3:00 pm Post subject: |
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Go back to their apartment
42%
[ 3 ]
Check out the staff-see what they know
57%
[ 4 ]
Total Votes : 7
Thanks for voting!!!
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Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Thu Nov 11, 2010 11:19 am Post subject: chapter 3 |
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Chapter 3
“Uh…go for a walk?”Kara suggested. Brandi agreed.
The girls walked on the cobblestone street as they looked at the scenery. The houses on one side of the street were old, red-brick apartments, with thread-bare awnings over the stores. On the other side there were modern apartments with clean and tidy lawns. Only one of these were different from the others.
It had a small sign above the door that read-Mike and Jim’s Carpentry Express. Also there were two lawn chairs out front, occupied by two men.
One had sandy-blond hair and lots of freckles. The other’s hair was brown, and he had a neatly trimmed beard. Both had the builds of lumberjacks.
“Hey there!” called the blond in an Australian accent. The girls stopped.
“Um…hi”, said Kara. They looked curiously at the men.
“Are you the new recruits?” said the Australian jovially. The second man looked interested.
“Yeah, how did you know that?” asked Brandi.
The brown-haired man answered, “News travels fast in Coyote”
“So you work there, too?” asked Kara.
“Yea mate, we do” this was the Australian.
Looking thoughtful the brown-haired one said, “Look here you two, Mike and I are probably the most tolerant of all the staff, so we don’t mind so much asking questions. The others, however, won’t take too kindly to inquisitions. You hear me?”
The girls nodded, and Brandi asked, “About the staff, uh…Jim is it?...well how is there 20 people and a police force, and this big company?”
“Ah”, said Jim, “You see a lot of people come in from out of town. You know other worlds. This one’s quite small you know”
Kara wrung her hands, her eyes wide. Brandi just bit her lip. It’s all so very new…
Jim hadn’t noticed their discomfort and continued, “You see Greensdale has a history. It used to be called Sevian. It was a small kingdom, but a well ruled one. They followed a version of feudalism. Anyway, Madeir, a neighboring world, was a little bigger than Sevian so they decided to conquer it.
“A huge war ensued, ending in a clumsy man accidentally setting off a warping charm. The charm expanded for miles, engulfing everything and everyone in its path. Anything in its range vanished. Well, actually, the grass was still there.
“The survivors were the McGregors, they’re dead now, Kate and her little boy, Nathaniel, Basil (he’s the mayor now, the Suami’s, and Papi with his great-niece. They gathered in the empty space and made a settlement. They struggled though. Food was scarce, as well as the seeds needed to grow it. Nobody had the talents to leave, so they were stuck”
“Wait”, said Kara, “What happened to the warped people?”
“Nobody knows mate”, grunted Mike, “Never came back”
Jim continued, “Then Coyote came and offered them a deal. They would make them a proper town with a whole different governing system; provide them with food and goods, if they would let Coyote use half the town for their own devices.
“The people of Sevian agreed. They enjoyed this older style of town, with the cobblestones and such, accepted the weird ‘democracy’ that was introduced, and didn’t mind the apartments and headquarters the company erected. They like that it was renamed, for, Sevian reminded them of what they had lost. They are still a bit wary of Coyote, though”
“How do you know all this?” questioned Kara.
“We’re good friends with one of them”, said Jim secretively.
“But what is Coyote all about anyway? What do you guys do, and what’s planned for us?”
“That’s classified”, answered Jim, “The employees don’t know what it’s all about, and they can’t tell each other so they can’t piece it together”
Brandi narrowed her eyes, “That’s kind of suspicious”
Mike shrugged, “Hey if we knew the exact motives of the company, if someone captured us, we would be safe if questioned”
Kara struggled to stay calm, “W-why would we be k-kidnapped?”
Jim ignored the question, “Usually only two people are put on a job, maybe three, but rarely more. The system is effective, and barely anyone gets taken” Mike looked at the sky.
“Well girls it’s getting late, and we have work to do”, he and Jim got up and left.
Brandi sighed. So many unanswered questions. The sun was dipping behind the horizon, turning blue to black with the colorful tapestry of dusk. She sighed as the cool breeze brushed her cheek. Time to go to their apartment.
“Kara we should goi-Kara?” Kara was staring into space, eyes wide.
“D-d-don’t you see it?” she stuttered.
“Um…no. Look, Kara, if this is a joke it’s not very…”
Kara cut her off, tears forming on her cheeks, “I’m serious Brandi! I know you think I always was a bit unstable since my mom died, and you are right, but I’m not hallucinating right now. I hear you, but I can’t see you. Greensdale is gone, and it’s so weird…oh Brandi I’m scared!”
Brandi reached out to Kara. She was shocked that Kara had mentioned her mother, and guilty because it’s true-Kara does sometimes seem like she’s in a different world. A dreamer, she is.
“Kara it’s okay…” Brandi grabbed her friend’s hand. The moment she did, Brandi saw it too.
There was a large wall made out of stone. The only thing you could see was a tall tower, sporting a scarlet flag with a black raven on it. Packed dirt roads led away from it splitting and leading away in different directions.
In the distance, medieval castles and cheery villages could be seen, all showing two flags. Their own personal ones, and the raven flag.
“ It’s Sevian”
Brandi looked at Kara, “You’re right” When she looked back the scene had changed. The kingdom was in ruins. Soldiers were charging at each other. Images of war flitted faster and faster. Then a void.
A few people appeared. Attempted to make a living. Dark figures in a garden. A missing beam. Walls crumbling. Then they were back in present day Greensdale.
“What-was that?” breathed Brandi.
“Mmm I’m so tired”, Kara leaned heavily on her friend. The two girls went to their apartment and found it unlocked.
The hall was painted a pale turquoise with hardwood flooring. Through a doorway Brandi saw the stairs. As she led Kara up the stairs she couldn’t help but notice the utter bareness of the walls. At the top of the stairs, Brandi walked her friend into a purple bedroom.
The iron bed was a plum color, matching the purple flower wallpaper. Brandi lay the redhead on the bed and tucked her in. There was a purple dresser in one corner, and an iron rocking chair in the other.
A knock at the door interrupted Brandi’s examination of the room. She tripped down the stairs and opened the door. No one was there, but a sticky note was on the door. Peeling it off Brandi read it.
Get out while you can.
Brandi looked up and saw a figure move across the street. Is it the person who left the note? Should she wake up Kara? She’s so tired. Maybe she should go alone, or not at all. Brandi stood there-undecided.
--------------------
So should she go, wake up Kara, or something else? I took a lot of time on this one, so I hope it’s not too rushed. (Especially at the end there) Hope you enjoyed Chapter 3[/img]
_________________
It does not matter how many breaths you take, but how many moments take your breath away.
Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
"Five Bucks Can Take You Far" in Multiverse
Last edited by crazybookgal on Thu Nov 11, 2010 3:08 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Thu Nov 11, 2010 11:50 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | As she led Kara up the stairs she couldn’t help but notice the utter bareness of the walls. At the top of the stairs, Brandi walked her friend into a purple bedroom. |
I think it might occur to her that while this apartment is much LIKE their apartment... is it the same place they left earlier that day? Wake Kara, search about for inconsistencies, get dressed and ready to leave if necessary because the note was note time/space specific enough to know if it meant 'get out of the town, get out of the house, get out of our dimension', or whatever else it could have meant.
| Quote: | | Anyway, Madeir, a neighboring world, was a little bigger than Sevian so they decided to conquer it. |
When you say 'world' here, are you meaning dimensionally neighboring, or a nearby planet? We're talking about a town, Greensdale, which used to be a small kingdom... I'm not sure how to envision a small kingdom having a neighboring world. Do you mean a bordering nation?
| Quote: | “A huge war ensued, ending in a clumsy man accidentally setting off a warping charm. Everything in range vanished. Well, actually, the grass was still there. Very few people had been out of range.
“The ones who lived were the McGregors, they’re dead now, Kate and her little boy, Basil (he’s the mayor now, the Suami’s, and Papi with his great-niece. They gathered in the empty space and made a settlement. They struggled though. Food was scarce, as well as the seeds needed to grow them. Nobody had the talents to leave, do they were stuck” |
After rereading this portion a couple of times, I think if eventually made sense what you were trying to say. I would be a bit more definitive when refering to the range of the warping charm's blast, saying something more along the lines of 'everything within miles vanished, leaving nothing behind but the land itself.'
Leave the 'Very few people' part out of the first paragraph there and simply frame the thought within the second paragraph, saying something like,
"There were few survivors of course, just those who lived on the outskirts of society, the McGregors, the Suami's, and Papi with his great-niece. The McGregors have passed away since, leaving Kate and their little boy, Basil behind. Basil's the mayor now.
These few survivors gathered where the society had been whisked away by the warping charm and tried to make something of the land that remained. They struggled though. Food was scarce, as were the seeds needed to grow crops. Nobody had the talents to leave, do they were stuck here."
This is all stated just to be helpful, trying to show some ways to organize thoughts into a more comprehendable presentation. Overall, I felt this was quite good and very enjoyable to read. Definately looking forward to learning more about this strange new world and you've hinted nicely at some plot elements surrounding Coyote Company and the vanished society that sparks a lot of curiosity to see what you have in store for us.
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Thu Nov 11, 2010 3:00 pm Post subject: |
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thanks thunder!!!
just an fwi-i see u think that the apartment in greensdale is like their apartment at home if i understand you right. what i mean by their apartment is simply the apartment they have been provided in greensdale.it doesnt have any relation to their home.
sry bout that
as for the 'WORLD' thing i mean dimension i cant remember why i didnt want to put that before.
| Quote: | | I'm not sure how to envision a small kingdom having a neighboring world. |
the dimension greensdale is incredibly tiny compared to our world's. I will get into its geography later.
| Quote: | | Kate and her little boy, Basil (he’s the mayor now, |
i messed up on this one. Basil is a seperate person.
thanks for the tips!!! i'm gonna do some editing.
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It does not matter how many breaths you take, but how many moments take your breath away.
Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
"Five Bucks Can Take You Far" in Multiverse
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Fri Nov 12, 2010 2:34 am Post subject: |
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So now the plot thickens! Good ideas there.
A thought to take with you when the time comes for writing your next chapter - be careful of info-dump. Info-dump is where you give us so much information in one go, it effectively stalls the story while the info is being delivered.
However, although we got a lot of information from these guys, you've left some questions open here which keeps the stpry interesting. We still can't trust them, and it's clear that they're withholding information.
For the DP - I think she should go alone. If she wakes up Kara, Kara will be good for nothing, and may hinder her.
If the figure in the distance really did leave the note, then at least they'll have a potential ally in this world.
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Fri Nov 12, 2010 3:00 am Post subject: |
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I think we should leave a note for Kara, just in case she wakes up before we return. We don't want her to be alone and scared. We might also want to look around the room and try to get a idea of what the place is like.
We also don't know where to go, or how to get out of this place, so all that is left is exploration.
Nice Chap!!
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Fri Nov 19, 2010 4:40 am Post subject: |
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Okay the poll is up!
Merry Voting!!!
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Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Sat Nov 20, 2010 6:26 am Post subject: |
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Caught up with this one whilst visiting; looks like a decent tale emerging here!
I like your style. There are few areas you could tidy up, but others have given feedback so I'll not go over them.
I'm too late for the discussion, so voted and... winning.
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Swordfish
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| Posted: Sat Nov 20, 2010 3:28 pm Post subject: |
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I'm basically in the same boat as far as describing things go. Just flesh out the surroundings more, add some similies or something along this lines. So far its an engaging read. A lot of dialogue but that isn't so bad since its what you do. I wouldn't mind learning more about the characters inner thoughts and emotions. Because so far you've kept to base descriptions and reactions. Mainly them crying as a sign of fear or frustration. Brandi seems to be slightly more mentally capable than her friend so I would personally ditch Kara because so far she has done nothing but fret and worry.
The story moves a little quickly, like others say. But you can fix that by keeping the charater(s) in one place and having them look around some. A simple glance at some point of interest or another character who may crop up later. Perhaps if the Australians popped up again, look over what they're wearing, or even just describe what your protagonists are wearing.
Happy writing!
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Mon Nov 22, 2010 5:06 pm Post subject: |
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Poll Results!!!
Wake up Kara and leave this weird town!
42%
[ 3 ]
Leave immediately so the person won't get away.
0%
[ 0 ]
Leave a note for Kara then chase the dark figure.
57%
[ 4 ]
So leave a note and chase him!!!! I'll get that chapter up soon. Thanks for all your participation!!!!!
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Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
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Ingrothechundyer
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| Posted: Sat Nov 27, 2010 10:21 am Post subject: |
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Nice chapter. I'm looking forward to the next one
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Sat Dec 11, 2010 11:01 pm Post subject: |
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| So am I!
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Wed Jan 12, 2011 7:18 pm Post subject: *Bump* |
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*Bump* I hope we haven't died here. Good luck!
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Tue Feb 22, 2011 3:41 pm Post subject: |
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A new chapter WILL be coming soon
so please don't delete me
_________________
It does not matter how many breaths you take, but how many moments take your breath away.
Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
"Five Bucks Can Take You Far" in Multiverse
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Wed Feb 23, 2011 5:09 pm Post subject: |
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Brandi sprang into action. Scribbling out a quick note for Kara, she hurried after the dark figure.
The breeze was cool on her skin, as Brandi looked around at the shadows dancing around the buildings. The natural spotlight of the moon was the only thing keeping her from tripping every five steps. Sprinting to catch up with the figure that was slowly disappearing into the night, Brandi passed the line of apartments into an open field.
Suddenly the girl felt a sharp pain that left her gasping on her knees. Blood stained the shoulder of her shirt, so Brandi rolled her shirt up to reveal her cuts from Coyote bleeding profusely. At the sight of so much blood, Brandi fell back with nausea. As soon as she scooted back, the pain and bleeding ceased.
By now the mysterious person had vanished. As Brandi sat, something caught her eye. A sign quite like the one at the front of Greensdale, shone in the moonlight. It read CITY LIMITS.
~~~~~~~~~~
“You are an idiot” Brandi looked down with shame. Kara had woken up while she had been gone.
Kara continued, “I mean seriously! Going out by yourself, at night, chasing some whack-job! And see what happened!” Kara was washing off the blood from her shoulder with a washcloth they had found in the kitchen, which Brandi was presently examining.
It was so white it practically hurt your eyes. A set of cabinets that contain various dishware, a fridge, a coffeemaker, a sink, (all white) and a wooden table covered with a white and blue tablecloth.
“Are you even listening to me?” huffed Kara.
“No Kara I’m not. I have more important things to think about here. Like, who was that person? And, should we listen to him? And maybe, why did my arm spontaneously start gushing blood?!” Brandi’s temper was getting shorter.
“Well I’m sorry but I was really worried! What if you were kidnapped like Jenna? Then where would I be?!”
Brandi was yelling now, “Do I always have to babysit you? For Pete’s sake, do you always have to worry?”
“Maybe I wouldn’t worry as much if you didn’t always do such compulsive things!”
“Live a little Kara! I swear, every time I step into a puddle there’s a crisis. Every waking minute you act like the world is going to crumble!"
Kara grew very quiet. Her voice was saturated with rage, “No Brandi. My world crumbled a long time ago. My mom died. She was my world. Then I found you and Jenna, and I thought things were finally getting better. Then Jenna was kidnapped and that ransom note was left in the mail saying she would be killed unless we had that amount of money by next month.
Not your mailbox, mine. I started to fall apart. You thought I was worried about her. Well yes I was, but really I was worried about you”
As the impact of her words hit Brandi, words swam in her head. I always thought she needed protection, but here she was looking out for me. Oh my gosh what have I done.
“Kara, I...” Brandi tried, but Kara turned and stalked out the door. Brandi shoved her guilt into an iron safe in her brain. I should let her cool off. Brandi actually felt a little happy, though. Kara hadn’t allowed herself to get that mad in years.
Brandi decided to explore their apartment a little more. There was absolutely no food whatsoever in the kitchen, which was disappointing, but she was able to find some coffee along with a coffee maker.
While waiting for the coffee, Brandi entered the only room she hadn’t seen. It was a cozy living room, furnished with comfy burgundy chairs (you know the kind, the ones that feel like clouds), a brownish rug, and a bookcase filled with books so thick and old, you wouldn’t be surprised if you found King Tut in one. There was a fireplace in the corner.
It was obviously supposed to give you that nice, warm feeling. All it was missing was Grandma, holding a pan of fresh-baked cookies. The whole apartment was carefully put together. This whole place stinks of money.
Brandi returned to the kitchen. To her surprise, Kara was there, sipping coffee.
Kara blushed sheepishly, “I felt bad about yelling. I just wanted you to know how I felt. I appreciate you and Jenna being there for me. It’s just that, sometimes, you forget I’m there for you, too”
Brandi smiled, “I’ll try to remember that”, she reached for the packet of job information on the counter, “I think it’s time to look at this”
They both sat down together and opened the shiny black booklet.
For The New Recruits
Brandy and Cara
Job Detail
The new employees, Brandy and Cara, will be working as cooperators in Coyote Company. Their work will consist of Coyote intelligence, ambassadors, and such miscellanea. For the duration of their employment, they will stay in the Greensdale Sector, reporting for work at 9:00 sharp each morning, unless instructed otherwise. Further explanation will be provided on the first work day, July 11th, 2011.
“Well that was specific”, huffed Brandi.
“Er…Brandi?” Kara mumbled.
“Yeah?”
“Doesn’t ‘intelligence’ mean spies?”
Brandi looked at her, “Does it?” She wasn’t exactly the vocabulary queen like her friend was.
“I thought so…it’s kind of weird”, Kara bit her lip.
“They could mean something else entirely. Also, they had other stuff in there too”
“I guess so” They flipped to the next page. It was a map that pointed out places to get food and such. The last page went like this:
Greensdale Laws
No dogs
No vehicles
No plants
No jogging on the 5th Tuesday of any month while wearing anything reflective.
No foreign material allowed inside city limits unless previously approved.
Admittance into Coyote Co. is strictly prohibited unless previously approved.
Everyone must observe Tasty Tater Tuesday, celebrated on May 28th
The rest was pretty much the normal kind of laws, but Brandi were dumbfounded at the curious first seven.
“We might as well get some sleep” said Brandi, yawning.
“Yeah” agreed Kara, “our first day is tomorrow” And with that, the girls went to bed.
Ok no dp, but i felt like I had to get a part 1 out there after so long. Part 2 will b coming-sometime.
_________________
It does not matter how many breaths you take, but how many moments take your breath away.
Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
"Five Bucks Can Take You Far" in Multiverse
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Thu Feb 24, 2011 12:49 am Post subject: |
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Yes, the 'no jogging on the 5th Tuesday of any month while wearing anything reflective' I find particularly intriguing. Thank goodness that doesn't happen very often!
Welcome back Crazybookgal!
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Thu Feb 24, 2011 4:56 am Post subject: |
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thnks
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It does not matter how many breaths you take, but how many moments take your breath away.
Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
"Five Bucks Can Take You Far" in Multiverse
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Fri Feb 25, 2011 3:20 am Post subject: I think..... |
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Dai kawaii(Very cute). Interesting. It's like watching stereotypical teenage girls dropped into the twilight zone! Funky indeed. Those rules.....just them being mentiond makes them important in some way..... I can't wait to see them broken! Or at least explained. I think Kara needs some ego boosting! but, that's her, and she's like that for a reason!
Oki, I can't wait to see more! Go for it!
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Thu Mar 03, 2011 6:24 pm Post subject: |
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Brandi awoke the next morning to the smell of eggs frying. She opened her eyes hesitantly, still tired from the long night before. Sitting up, Brandi examined her room, right across the hall from Kara’s.
It was painted red, the same color as her bed, and was furnished with a gold chair and chest. All was plain and simple.
Brandi yawned, got dressed, and shuffled downstairs to the kitchen. Kara was frying eggs, and toasting toast. She fixed a plate for the two of them and sat down at the table.
“Where’d the food come from?” Brandi, in her groggy state, remembered there hadn’t been any food in the kitchen.
“A neighbor from across the street came over and gave us some eggs and a loaf of bread. He said he got them cheap from his friend who works at the grocery store. These people are so friendly”, Kara rattled on as Brandi munched on whole grain toast, “Anyway his name is Caleb, and he lives here with his parents and two sisters. There’s also a girl at the grocery our age that lives with her uncle”
“You two sure had a nice conversation at the crack of dawn”, mumbled Brandi through a mouthful of egg.
“Well he helps out at his parents’ store really early, so he figured he’d see if we were awake before they opened” answered Kara, “Also he wanted to ask us if we wanted to go to the little home school one of neighbors holds. I told him that I’d ask you and swing by his shop”
“When do they hold it? We don’t exactly know our work schedule yet” Brandi said, cautiously.
Kara jumped on the question, “They hold it at one of the neighbor's houses. Sometimes the other kids can’t make it all the time, so they just have you come when you can and pick up where you left off the last time”
Brandi inwardly laughed. Kara’s determination to go to this school probably didn’t have much to do with the pursuit of learning. “Sure, why not?”
“Yes!” The girls finished eating and washed the dishes. That left them at about 8:50, so they waited a bit, then left for work.
Sunlight outlined the old fashioned side of town, casting long shadows. In contrast to the other day, people were out opening stores, chatting, and everything seemed completely normal. Outside the grocery, an old man with white hair and a cheery smile was sweeping dust out of the store. The bakery emanated delicious smells that just made your mouth drool.
In a minute they were in front of the dark building. It seemed to just suck up the bright sunshine and hide it in its depths. The girls entered.
They walked up to the front desk, but rather than talking to them, the woman just nodded towards the elevators.
Standing there was a tan-skinned man, about in his late forties, with dark brown hair that seemed to be thinning, and a bored expression on his face. The girls walked hesitantly up to him.
Without a word, the man pressed the elevator button. In the elevator, he completely ignored the girls. Brandi and Kara felt as though it would be wise not to try to have a friendly chat. With nothing to look at put the plain metallic walls, the ride didn’t end fast enough.
Their group stepped out of the elevator, and the man finally spoke, “My name is not important and it would be a waste of time to tell you it. I have the pleasure(he spat out the word pleasure as if it tasted bad) of showing you the ropes, say”
He turned to a door right next to the elevators. On the door was inscribed Mailroom. Inside was a simple room with gray concrete walls, lit by electrical lights. Along all the walls were small post office boxes, only without the combination locks. In the middle of the room was a bunch of small cubicle desks with sheets of paper, pencils, and pens.
In a dull monotone No-Name continued, “In these boxes you will find your assignment for the day, and additional information, if necessary”, he herded them into a door at the back of the room that led to a hallway with gray cinder block walls, and dark-wooded doors.
The man indicated a keypad on the wall near the door to the mail room, “Type in your number in this and it will take you to the office designated for you to work out anything you need”, he once again herded them into the mail room.
“Those tables are where you will fill out your report. All recruits must fill out a report after their assignment. Any further information you may need will be in your box. Here is your number. I have not seen you, we have never met, I do not know you at all, if we meet again I do not know you, if I was about to be dropped into a boiling pot of lava I do not know you. Goodbye”. With that, the man they apparently did not know walked out of the room.
“Friendly” retorted Kara, still holding the number he had shoved into her hand.
Brandi shrugged, “What does the number say?” They looked-127. Then they found the matching mailbox. Inside the steel cage was a single envelope.
The girls walked into the hallway. Brandi raised her hand to type in the numbers, then stopped.
“What is it?” asked Kara.
“It’s just…what do you think he meant, it will take you there?”
Kara shrugged, then smiled. “I thought I was supposed to be the nervous one!” she teased.
Brandi made a face and punched in the numbers. Suddenly, the hallway became really blurry, and Brandi started to feel sick. Then, just as quickly as it happened, everything came into focus.
“What the…wait a minute!” Brandi’s eyes widened. No longer was the mailroom door in back of them, there was just endless hallway. Also, to their side was a door marked, 127.
“That…was creepy”, breathed Kara.
Brandi, whose stomach was settling, squeaked, “You know this town has introduced me to a whole new world of oddness. Disappearing cars, tater Tuesdays, self moving hallways, I mean…what’s next?”
“Oh maaan” was all Kara could say.
“Well-open the door” pushed Brandi.
“I don’t know” answered Kara, “I’m afraid SpongeBob might come out with a chainsaw and start singing nursery rhymes” Brandi took a deep breath and pushed open the door.
Inside was a small office, about the size of an office cubicle. There was a desk pushed against the wall and two black leather office chairs facing each other. The walls were the same gray-painted cinderblock as all the hallways. There were no decorations. The girls sat down.
Kara opened the envelope. Inside were three pieces of paper:
Assignment Directions
Depart by way of Room P6 to 1253 Elder St. in West Block, Marest and meet Brown. Retrieve item from Brown and deposit in Room B86 drop box. Materials can be found in T5 and T9. Directions to destinations attached.
Time to Depart: 8:00pm
Expected Time of Completion: 10:00pm
Assignment #50
“Weird” commented Brandi, “Hey flip to the next paper” The next paper was written directions to various rooms around the building. The last one was a short note, typed.
You must arrive at 9:00 every morning to receive you assignment for the day. Typically there is only one per day. Any time in wait of assignments to begin, or after assignments are completed can me spent in any way you choose. No employees are permitted to ram the halls of Coyote unless instructed. Questions, comment, and concerns can be placed in your mailbox at the end of the day and they will be received. All new recruits will be scheduled to see the CEO of Coyote within a week of their employment. You will be notified when this occurs.
“Okay”, said Brandi, “We have some downtime. What should we do?”
I know, i know my Dp's are running on the same theme here but hay, it has a lot of room open for imagination. So, what shall we do? Oh and how's my speed going, too fast again?
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It does not matter how many breaths you take, but how many moments take your breath away.
Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
"Five Bucks Can Take You Far" in Multiverse
Last edited by crazybookgal on Fri Mar 04, 2011 3:58 am; edited 2 times in total
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Thu Mar 03, 2011 10:21 pm Post subject: |
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A very nice chapter. Keeps me feeling light. Good work!
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Fri Mar 04, 2011 12:47 am Post subject: I think..... |
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Zabahuza mabadab....Confused? Now you know how I feel. This chapter got me all flipped upside down and sideways.....
A gold chair and ches...plain and simple? I think a "Gold" chair is no where near plain...now a chair painted gold, that'd be a little more plain...and how do people "Being a normal town"? I know it's a grammar thing, but maybe a re-read would do you some good.This part... "of showing you how to show you the ropes, say” just needs a bit of tweeking....
This part pinged me in a different way...
“I don’t know” answered Kara, “I’m afraid SpongeBob might come out with a chainsaw and start singing nursery rhymes” Brandi took a deep breath and pushed open the door.
I was hopeing after that particular visual, maybe a bit more....hesitation? It kinda just blew off all the tention they'd been feeling when she just waltzed right in like that. Anti climaxtic is what I think I'm looking for.
But, other than that, I like the story! Sounds like somwhere I'd like to visit on vacation! Happy friendly people...Evil corperat zombies....My kind'a place! Free food's a plus!
As fer the DP.....Thow on yer running shoes, and hit evey place in town! Get the whole place mapped out in yer mind so you's know all the good hiding places and all the best places to shop! Never know when a good idea of a town's layout will come in handy!
Keep up the good work you crazy person you!
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Fri Mar 04, 2011 3:54 am Post subject: |
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lol i didn't even think about it that way. what i meant was it was the color gold. also, thanks fer the tips-always appreciated.
there we go all fixed
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It does not matter how many breaths you take, but how many moments take your breath away.
Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
"Five Bucks Can Take You Far" in Multiverse
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fairywaif
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| Posted: Fri Mar 11, 2011 11:57 am Post subject: |
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| I think they should definitely hit the grocery store, so they can stock up on food. And then they should see what this school is about, since Brandi seems so eager.
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Tue Mar 15, 2011 1:41 am Post subject: |
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This SG is polling, btw! 
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Wed Mar 16, 2011 8:52 am Post subject: |
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I caught up to this a bit late, sorry for that.
I'm getting a strong Alice in Wonderland feel to this tale... everything seems on its head and maybe its really all just a dream or perhaps they were in a car wreck or something. But then, there's usually a point to all the strange stuff in tales like that so I'm curious to see where you're going with this still.
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Thu Mar 24, 2011 3:27 am Post subject: |
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Stock up on food then go to school
1
Do a little sight seeing and go everywhere
4
Poll Results!!!
Next chapter will be up...sometime:lol:
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It does not matter how many breaths you take, but how many moments take your breath away.
Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
"Five Bucks Can Take You Far" in Multiverse
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Wed Mar 30, 2011 5:22 pm Post subject: |
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Kara thought for a moment, “ Maybe we should walk around a bit to get a feel for this place since we’ll be staying for a while”
“Also, we should get some more food. We can’t live off of eggs and bread” The girls left the Coyote building and proceeded to the closest shop. The awning was pink with blue stripes and had big blue block letters across it reading, “Bakery”.
Kara’s eyes went big as she stared at the sweets in the window. Brandi’s mouth was watering too, but she pulled away saying, “Come on, we only have ten bucks to spend”
The next place had a big wooden sign with “The Store” painted in curvy green letters. How original, thought Brandi as they entered. “The Store” pretty much had anything you would ever need to live besides food. After shopping around a bit, they bought a few things (napkins, toilet paper, etc.).
The girls didn’t go in the next store, seeing it was simply knick-knacks, but Brandi did note this was where the school was held, according to a small sign.
The last store had a classic red-striped awning and sign on the door that read, “Grocery”. Like the rest of the stores this one was exceptionally small. There were a million shelves of food though. Kara, being the taller one, stood on her tip toes and spotted a sign for the Deli section. They picked up some ham, milk, fruit, and some pancake mix that was on sale.
At the register counter was a tottering old man with a cheery smile. As he rung up their stuff he made conversation. A girl about their age with dark hair and eyes glared at them from a stool pushed back from the counter. On her upper arm, just before her shoulder, she wore a red bandana.
“Well we don’t get much visitors here in the town very often” he said in an Italian accent.
“Oh we’re staying here for a while”, said Brandi discreetly hoping he wouldn’t ask why.
Oh course he asked, “Coyote?”
“Um, yeah” The girls paid him and took their purchases avoiding any weird looks he might be giving them. They were about to leave when Kara stopped to look at something in an aisle. Brandi was about to go get her when she heard the old man arguing with someone. Stepping out of sight, she listened.
“…have some female friends” this was the old man.
“Everyone from that company is no good!” This was a young American female voice, probably the girl’s.
“She was nice”
“Yeah well look what happened to her” Brandi grabbed Kara and left. Taking one last glance backwards, she saw the scowling girl tighten the bandana on her arm.
~~~~~~~
The two girls dropped off their food and continued on to Coyote.
“Okay, what now?” Kara looked at the sheets of directions that had come in their mailbox earlier.
“`Materials can be found in T5 and T9` it says, and according to these directions the closest keypad is” Brandi walked a few steps down the daunting hallway, “right here” However, Instead of a keypad, like in the hallway adjoining the mailroom, this had the alphabet as well as numbers. It also had a screen that read ‘Please type in room code’ when they walked up.
Kara typed in the code this time, T5, and the screen blipped to ‘Thank You’. Before the hallway began to change, Brandi thought, Gee the technology is friendlier than the people!
When they arrived at T5, Brandi pushed open the door. Inside was like a huge closet. All you could see was the linoleum floor, and hundreds of moving clothes’ racks. There was suits, dresses, casual clothes, hats scarves, everything you could think of. Right in front of the door was a pedestal with a keypad, just like the one they just used. As they walked up, the girls could see the screen said, ‘Assignment Number’. Brandi typed in 50. The racks moved for a couple of minutes, then stopped.
The rack closest to them held a white plastic bag with a piece of paper that had their assignment number. Kara unhooked it and took off the bag. Inside were two casual dresses. You know, the kind you would wear to a party your friend was having at her house.
One was blue with a black sash and black lace at the neckline. The other was a black strapless tube dress. Kara chose the blue and Brandi got the black.
They left and went next door to T6. It was a weaponry room. Brandi stood uncomfortably in the middle of the big room. It had a low ceiling and shelves filled with weapons of every kind going throughout. Brandi didn’t really think she could use any of them, but she did take a small knife-just in case.
When she turned back, Kara was standing where she had left her, looking like she wanted to leave. Brandi didn’t blame her.
“Now what?” asked Kara.
“Well it says here the next keypad is a couple doors down that way”, Brandi pointed to the left, “But there’s a bathroom right here”, she pointed to a door to the right labeled T7. The girls went there to change into their dresses.
The door led to a room painted black with two dark wooded doors. Brandi and Kara entered the one that identified itself as woman’s. It was dimly lit with dark metal stalls and gray tiled floors. The girls shivered and hurried to get dressed so they could leave the creepy room.
After marching to the next keypad and typing in P6, the girls arrived at a door like all the others. Striding in they found themselves in a small room, about the size of a handicapped bathroom stall, that had another keypad.
“If I ever see another one of those keypads…” Kara muttered darkly. Brandi squinted in the darkest room they’ve been in yet. She sauntered up to the pedestal that held the keypad. Its screen glowed eerily in the near-dark.
‘Location Desired’ was on the blue screen. Brandi punched in the address on the paper, but her hand wavered over the Enter button. 1253 Elder St. in West Block, Marest seemed to glare at her, daring her to back down. No, I can’t chicken out now, Brandi thought then pressed Enter.
Bright colors in strange hues began flashing before Brandi, making her head pound. A strange sensation assaulted her throat, like what it would fell like to swallow your tongue. Her skin felt like it was being hit by a billion pennies dropped from really high up, and her stomach ached like a billion hands were punching it.
Finally everything stopped and spots flashed across Brandi’s vision. She stumbled over to what she thought was a group of bushes, knelt down, and threw up. Feeling better, Brandi sat back on her heels.
“Are you okay?” asked Kara seeming highly concerned, but absolutely fine.
“Didn’t you feel that?!” groaned Brandi, wincing at the very thought of it.
“Well there was a bunch of colors, and a slight tingling sensation, but not anything unpleasant” Kara looked confused, “Are you okay?” she asked again.
“I’m fine” Brandi assured her. Why didn’t she get that as bad? Brandi brushed away the thought and got up to examine where they ended up.
It seemed to be one of those normal every-house-looks-the-same subdivisions, and right in front of them was a white house with square windows lit up with a party going on inside. As Brandi and Kara walked up the driveway to the front brick porch, Brandi noticed a sad excuse for a garden that had been attempted between the sidewalk leading to the front steps and the house.
At the white front door the girls stopped. Time seemed to be frozen. Neither girl said a word, but Kara reached out and grabbed Brandi’s hand whispering, “For Jenna”
“For Jenna” repeated Brandi and she pushed open the door.
Inside was filled with bodies smashed against each other and music blaring from some unknown source. Brandi couldn’t really see how the house looked at all, because the place was so packed.
After about an hour of avoiding awkward questions, and making mindless chatter Brandi searched for somewhere quiet. In a room towards the back with lesser people Brandi sighed. It was still stuffy and loud, but less so than before.
Suddenly a guy in his early twenties appeared beside Brandi.
“Nice party” he said dully, probably enjoying it as much as she was.
“Yeah” answered Brandi, matching his tone.
Then, Kara popped out of the crowd. She eyed the guy curiously.He turned to them, his face suddenly all business.
“I’m Cornelius Brown, and I believe we have some business to take care of” he announced and turned, motioning to them to follow him. The girls gave each other wide-eyed glances and followed him.
The trio trooped up to an upstairs bedroom where they could be alone. Cornelius locked the door and turned to them. The girls just stared at him.
The room had a window right of the door and a closet opposite that. There was girls’ clothes strewn across the floor and the bed, which was placed opposite the door. A vanity overflowing with make-up and perfume stood next to the window.
“We’re from Coyote” blurted Kara through the silence.
“Prove it” Cornelius practically growled. The girls turned their marked shoulders towards him. Smiling, Cornelius outstretched his arm. From his palm Kara took a polished black box.
They all stood there. Cornelius didn’t move. Something dropped in Brandi’s stomach as she realized something wasn’t right. He slowly took a lighter from his pocket and deliberately lowered it to the floor. A floor that Brandi now realized was wood and…soaked with something?
Brandi’s eyes widened as her eyes traced a trail of gasoline that made a circle around the room. A room, she might add, that didn’t have a smoke detector.
Brandi’s mind was in a jumble, she couldn’t think. How could’ve I been so stupid?
Brandi looked at the expression of terror, surprise, and humiliation that probably mirrored her own. With a resonating ‘click’ flames reflected off of Kara’s eyes. As she turned around, Brandi could see Cornelius Brown through the flames. He gave her a satisfied grin, then dissipated into thin air. Another thought entered her mind, He locked the door from the outside. Mentally kicking herself for noticing earlier, Brandi lay on the floor to avoid breathing in smoke. Kara had the same idea.
Brandi’s thoughts were in turmoil, How will we escape? We could wait for help, but do we have enough time? What if he set the rest of the house ablaze too? Oh what are we going to do?
-------------------
Finally a little shake up on the DP. Hope you liked this chapter!!!
Oh and I always appreciate feedback on my writing
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Thu Mar 31, 2011 7:50 am Post subject: |
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Well, I like that the story is developing and moving forward. I had numerous moments of slight confusion but in trying to identify them I find its probably just a matter of a difference in our thought patterns and a difficulty for me in getting into the head of a young female character. Some of the speech patterns there are just a touch foreign for me so the way their thoughts were worded threw me at times.
But not to worry. The bigger problem here is what to do about this fire. Now... let me get this straight. They are on the second floor of a two story house. Downstairs is a raging/boring/crowded party filled with people who have no idea that a fire has just been set upstairs? I would be as worried about those people as I would be about myself. I'd sprint downstairs yelling "FIRE!" Then I'd grab a chair from the dining room, smash open a window and get the hell out!
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 3:34 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | I had numerous moments of slight confusion but in trying to identify them I find its probably just a matter of a difference in our thought patterns |
I'm curious about what exactly gave you trouble
| Quote: | | I'd sprint downstairs yelling "FIRE!" |
Well, what I'm looking for is how we get out of this room, seeing it is burning up fast and the door is locked from the outside.
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 7:01 pm Post subject: |
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Oh... ok, so its the door to the ROOM that's locked... I guess that makes more sense but I'm not used to having interior doors lockable.
Usually, such doors are fairly flimsy though so using something heavy in the room, a baseball bat, a chair, a bar from the bedframe, something, should be able to break through it (or possibly just a good kick aughta do it.) Then again, don't most lockable interior doors have a tiny hole that can be poked with a nail to unlock? A quick inspection would reveal if this is possible - but then finding a nail could be a trick.
As for what parts... I don't know... as I said, it was just a matter of the impression when I read through - and mostly was a matter of the way the dialogue was delivered being different than the way I think.
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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worldtripper
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| Posted: Sat Apr 02, 2011 12:02 am Post subject: |
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Excellent story, I love microcosms. I can tell where your attention has wavered in some places. When this happens your story feels rushed and forced. I suffer the same problems, I suggest not trying to do a full chapter in one go. Break it up a bit and give your brain a rest. Writing should be a pleasure and not work.
Depending on the flammability of their cloths, I suggest laying down a break in the circle. That's an option I would consider in that situation, I always wear jeans. You would need to be quick though!
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Mon Apr 04, 2011 12:36 am Post subject: |
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I'm suspicious - very suspicious of the set up here.
People in this town are very wary of anyone from Coyote. Yet, these girls are sent on a 'mission' with zero training, having been given dresses that clearly reveal the marks on their shoulders that they work for Coyote... Hmmm.
And how come the clothes that they'd originally swapped for the dresses are now in this room? And what is this shiny black box that Kara has taken from Cornelius?
Does the vanity unit have running water? can we bust the piping to dowse the flames? Building on Worldtripper's idea, if there is water, then wet the clothes before attempting to smother the fire.
One thing confused me - When they entered the room, Cornelius locked the door when he was on the inside. But then he disappeared into thin air and Brandi thinks that he's locked the door from the outside. Did he actually pass through the door after he set the room alight?
Something makes me think that this whole situation is a test.
So - as well as trying to dowse the flames with water or wet clothing (if the water is available) - I would also take a close look at this polished black box Kara now has.
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Sun Apr 10, 2011 3:34 am Post subject: |
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Polling
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Sun Apr 10, 2011 8:54 am Post subject: |
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I love some of the reflections passed by CF there. But I still think we have pressing matters at the moment and time would be too much of the essence to try putting out a fire I don't think they'd be able to douse, and looking through the box would be better done when we don't have panic rising within.
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Thu Apr 14, 2011 4:02 am Post subject: |
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ok something i need to clear up:
i said the clothes lying on the floor were girls' clothes
i did not say that they were brandi and kara's clothes
they just went into a room owned by a girl who had her clothes strewn about
my exact words:
| Quote: | | There was girls’ clothes strewn across the floor and the bed |
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Thu Apr 14, 2011 11:27 pm Post subject: |
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| Woohooo, a tie.
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Mon Apr 18, 2011 4:44 pm Post subject: |
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As soon as the tie is broken, i will close this poll-so someone break the tie!
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Mon Apr 18, 2011 9:28 pm Post subject: |
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Wish granted. I love doing this!
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Wed Apr 20, 2011 3:52 am Post subject: |
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Break down the door
40% [ 2 ]
Use clothes
0% [ 0 ]
Search for water
0% [ 0 ]
Look in the box
60% [ 3 ]
One Chapter Six coming up! 
_________________
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Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Sat Apr 30, 2011 1:08 pm Post subject: |
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Brandi blinked her eyes against heavy smoke and saw Kara holding out her hand. In it was the black box Cornelius had given them.
Kara’s voice came out thick with smoke, “We…we should open it” Brandi fumbled with the lid, they didn’t have much time. She pulled it off and…
Nothing. Nothing at all. Brandi started to cry. They were going to die here, in this unfamiliar place, far from home. She would never see her family again. She couldn’t say that she loved them one last time…
“Brandi” Kara’s clear words startled Brandi. Looking up, she saw that Kara had the black box clutched tightly in her hand, her eyes strangely clear, and she was abnormally calm.
“Come on”, she continued, tugging Brandi toward the closet.
“Kara, why are we…?” asked Brandi, doubting her friend’s sanity.
“Just hush and trust me. We don’t have all that much time!” When they were inside the closet, Kara lay on her back, and started kicking the back of closet. One kick, two, three…and the wall broke through. After a few more blows, they kicked through to the other room. With Brandi finally using her brain with the clean air coming through, she took out the dagger and helped Kara widen the hole. Soon they were running through the room, down the stairs, yelling “FIRE!”, and sprinting straight out the door. They stumbled down the driveway to the bushes where Brandi threw up. A crowd of people spilled out the front door, escaping the fires within. Some of them eyed the girls suspiciously.
“Brandi it would be a good time to split” mumbled Kara. Brandi was looking at her watch. It was 9:59.
“We should be leaving right about…” An aura of color and an attack of pain assaulted Brandi. They were leaving. When it was over, Kara was standing right as rain. Brandi just managed to keep herself from tossing her cookies.
“Oh my…oh my…I think I’m gonna faint” Kara rubbed her head, the stress from it all raining down on her. Brandi smiled at her.
“Is it just dawning on you that you just crashed someone’s party, got duped by some guy, led me through a burning room, knocked through a closet, and ran through a strangers house yelling ‘fire’?”
“Uh huh” Kara grinned, “It was kind of fun though” Brandi just looked at her. Sometimes her friend can catch her completely off guard.
“You know” she said, catching Brandi’s look, “The whole yelling about fire thing. It’s like in the movies” Brandi chortled.
“Well if you two are done reminiscing”, said a familiar nasal voice. “it is time to meet the head of Coyote” Out of the shadows stepped the man who had shown them around.
“Hey it’s you!”Kara exclaimed.
“Hey! You don’t know me remember? I have not seen you, we have never met, I do not know you at all, if we meet again I do not know you, if I was about to be dropped into a boiling pot of lava I do not know you”
Kara grinned impishly, “Well it is nice to meet your acquaintance. I don’t believe we have met. I’m Kara and you are…?” The man rolled his eyes in disgust. He began leading them through the hallways.
Kara peppered the man with questions for amusement, “Wow how do you know these hallways without directions?”
“I’ve been here a while” he answered grumpily.
“How long?”
“A while”
“Do you live here?”
“No”
“Where do you live?”
“Somewhere”
“Do you have any children?”
“No”
“A wife?”
“No”
“A dog?”
“No”
“A cat?”
“No”
“A fish?”
“No”
“A heart?”
“No…uhg…I mean yes” he growled scowling. Brandi and Kara tried not to laugh.
After many keypad trips and questions about pets later, they arrived at a door with a plate that read: Arthur Mall-CEO.
“Do you have any pets at all?” Kara asked finally. To the girls’ surprise the man hesitated.
“You do!” exclaimed Kara with glee.
The man opened the door, “Get lost” As the girls scuttled through, he slammed the door at their backs.
“Well isn’t he all sugar and spice” grumbled Brandi.
“I like him” countered Kara.
“You like messing with him”
Kara snickered, “Yeah”
“Ahem” They looked up. In front of them was a large ebony desk with a leather chair turned away from them. The office was normal with filing cabinets and abstract paintings decorated the whitewashed walls. This has to be the brightest office in the whole building, thought Brandi.
The chair spun around to reveal a man in his late forties with salt and pepper hair, gray eyes, and a bony structure. He wore a black business suit and his hair was combed back.
“You know the whole leather chair, big desk thing is a total cliché” blurted Kara. Brandi slapped a hand over her face.
The man smiled amusedly, “Really?” He reached across his desk and pushed a button Brandi hadn’t noticed. The whole office blurred, like when you drop a rock in a creek. Then it came into focus, but it wasn’t an office anymore.
They were in a sunny meadow at the edge of a lush forest. The sun was setting in hues of soft pink and violet. The man reclined on not a chair, but a wood bench with tasteful iron arms. Brandi stood in shocked silence and saw that Kara was staring around in awe. She was a nature person.
“I thought you could use a change of scenery” he cracked a smile at his pun and extended a hand, “Hi, I’m Arthur Mall, the head of Coyote. You two must be Brandi and Kara. I see you have just arrived from an assignment” Brandi looked down at her ratty attire. Their clothes were singed in many places, their hair was a mess, their clothes crumpled, and they smelled like smoke. Not exactly the best first impression.
“We, ah, ran into a little trouble” Brandi explained, with a blush creeping up her neck, “The guy you sent us to find, Cornelius Brown, kind of tried to kill us”
Arthur’s brows knitted together with concern, “Really? Thank the Lord you’re alright. Did he give you the item?”
“No” said Kara earnestly, “He just got us in a room and set it on fire” Brandi bit her lip and forced herself not to look at her friend slack jawed. It wouldn’t help their case if she made it obvious that Kara was lying.
“No?” asked Arthur.
“No” answered Kara sadly. Brandi’s mind was blown. She had never, ever, heard Kara tell even the tiniest fib. She never knew the redhead was such a good actor either.
“Well you’re dismissed then. To get back to the elevator, just type in Elvtr” Arthur smiled at them.
“Bye Mr. Mall” said Brandi, keeping her voice even. She had to get to the bottom of this. What was Kara trying to pull?
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arthur watched the door close, and when it snapped shut, he turned to Anthony, his assistant. Or, rather, he turned to the spot he believed his assistant was.
You see, Anthony was invisible. Arthur wasn’t very sure why. Anthony didn’t volunteer the information, so he never bothered to ask. Having an invisible assistant had its perks though. No one knew he was in the room, which came in handy sometimes.
Anthony spoke, “Sir, isn’t Cornelius Brown an assassin notorious for striking out at Coyote?”
Arthur leaned back as a smile played around his lips, “Yes indeed Anthony. And I do believe these two did an admirable job. All the others sent on a Cornelius job didn’t make it out alive. Of course I knew they were admirable to start with”
“Is that so sir?”
“Yes, that is why I sent them on it in the first place-to be sure. All I had to do was set them up on one of Brown’s million ploys he tries to bait us into”
“Perhaps some watch over them, drawing from what happened last time?”
A great pain throbbed in Arthur’s chest and he gritted his teeth against it, “You have overstepped Anthony. Get back to work” With that a clicking of keys started from Anthony’s corner, and he was silent.
The reason i stopped thid hear is because i wanted to hear your thoughts on this stage of the story. u know ideas and such-whatever the other paart will b up promptly
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Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Sat Apr 30, 2011 10:11 pm Post subject: |
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Well, it's giving us some more questions to scratch our heads over.
There was nothing in the box as far as Brandi could see, but from that, Kara got the inspiration to step into the closet.
I was confused a little once they'd been transported to the meadow scene - where were they supposed to type Elvtr?
But yes, overall I'm intrigued - there is more to Kara than we - or Brandi realised. Keep going CBG!
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Sun May 01, 2011 3:35 am Post subject: I think..... |
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Nice one. Gave me giggles about the no heart thing. Definetly needs some shifting for sense sake, but still going good! Let your imagination keep flowing! Go for it!
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Sun May 01, 2011 8:22 am Post subject: |
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I'm wondering what possessed her to keep the box a secret? I mean... it may have been a key to more info to have handed it over right? And what are we to gain from an empty box? I'm sure you have something clever in mind there though
The pace at which you guide us through these shifts in surroundings is enough to be a little bewildering. But then, again, the pace is also one of the strong points here. It deftly flits from one subject to the next and keeps us entertained along the way. I'd just ask for some of it to be a little better detailed is all, for it can be a bit confusing. I F5 Crunchy's assessments on that account.
Anyhow, it appears to me that we may have just been given an enormous insight as to how Coyote remains hidden from the general populace. That CEO either has the power to shape reality, or transport himself and everything he deigns to transport around him. I introduced a character, and a scene, much like this one a while back. So I'm interested in seeing how things go for him and getting a bit more background on who he is and what he can do and why.
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Mon May 02, 2011 6:00 pm Post subject: |
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oh the little keypads that help them get around id where they're supposed to type elvtr-u know the elevator that leads them to the lobby to Crunchy btw
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Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Sun May 22, 2011 2:22 am Post subject: Poke |
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*Pooooooookes* Did we forget aout this one crazy-chan?
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Sun May 22, 2011 9:10 am Post subject: |
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I dunno, Pope... she hasn't gotten as many readers as she usually does for whatever reason now. T'is a shame but I'd be waiting a bit if that were the case too. (so I'm bumping to help now)
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Fri May 27, 2011 3:15 pm Post subject: |
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i know *looks ashamed* but ur right-it seems like no one commets on chapters anymore  u guys' comments heartened me though
I'll try to get the next chap up soon
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Fri May 27, 2011 4:27 pm Post subject: |
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(and continue it will TB!)
“Kara what was that?!” exploded Brandi.
Kara put her head back like she was in pain, “I don’t know Brandi! I just…just…”
“Just what!?”
“I…I just like…the…the…box”, Kara looked down in shame, obviously knowing how stupid that sounded.
“You risked us getting fired for a stupid box!?”Brandi released her temper, “Sometimes I wonder what goes on inside that head of yours. Don’t you care about Jenna? Do you care about the box more than her now? Or me? You know what? Give it to me” Brandi held out a hand.
Kara looked at it like it had snakes snapping at her, “What?”
“Give me the box Kara”
“No”
“Give. Me. The. Stinkin’. Box. NOW!”
“NO!” came Kara’s strangled cry. Then she turned on her heal and ran. Brandi was shocked. What was up with Kara? She made a lonely trip back to the apartment and found Kara holed up in her room. With an exhausted sigh, Brandi went to bed.
~~~~~~~~~
The next morning, Kara was still sleeping when Brandi got up. She sighed and went downstairs to make breakfast. By the time the eggs were scrambled and the toast was toasted, Brandi had decided to let Kara keep the box. She knew it was a bad move, a dangerous one, but she loved Kara, and the way she looked when Brandi had asked her for it… Brandi shook her head.
Kara crept downstairs and into the kitchen cautiously. Brandi informed her of her decision, Kara leapt for joy.
“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” Kara was near tears, and attacked Brandi with hugs.
“One question, though” laughed Brandi, unsuccessfully fending off the redhead, “Why do you like that dang box so much?”
Kara considered this, “Well when I was holding it, it was like it was a part of me had been torn off long ago, and in that box, it was finally back”
“Like…like losing your mom?” asked Brandi carefully”
“No” replied Kara said softly, this was…deeper” Brandi was puzzled at this, but decided not to ask too many questions. They finished their meal and set out to get their daily assignment.
As they walked to the underground mailroom, Kara seemed to be looking for something.
“What is it?” asked Brandi.
“I’m looking for the guy we don’t know”
“You have too much fun at his expense” Kara smiled mischievously. Brandi received their assignment and held it so Kara could read with me.
Assignment Directions
Depart by the way of Room P12 to Amery. Take time pills BEFORE travel. Follow instructions on package. Brandy will take pills.
Time to Depart: ASAP
There was a bottle of pills in the envelope. The girls started traveling to P12 by way of keypad and Brandi read the instructions: TAKE TWO. SWALLOW PILL RIGHT BEFORE ENTERING KEYPAD. DO NOT TAKE WITH ALCOHOL.
Wow they sure don’t bother with safety precautions like I don’t know: Don’t give to toddlers, or maybe side effects?! There was something bothering about this bottle of pills, but Brandi didn’t have time to think about it. They were already inside T12.
It was the same as last time, and Brandi typed in Amery on the pedestal keypad. Then she popped two pills and swallowed, then pressed enter. The pain shot at her like it had last time, and it did something unusual. Brandi and Kara had been hurried by the ASAP on their assignment, so Brandi hadn’t had time to see the warning signs of counterfeit.
The pain now awakened her, making her realize how inattentive she had been. The assignment had been unusually short. It lacked a task for the girls to carry out, an estimated completion time, and an assignment number. Also, Brandi realized what had struck her funny about the pill bottle. Instead of a regular plastic label, it had a papery feel, like it had been printed on printer paper. What were time pills? What had Brandi swallowed?
Brandi could feel something happening. Her mind felt numb and blank, slowly shutting down. Her spirit withdrew to a deep place inside her. No, something was dragging it there. Brandi tried to kick and scream, but the numbness subdued her. Soon she was nothing.
~~~~~~~~~~
Kara blinked, and saw she was in a city with medieval looking buildings and shops. The street was paved in cobblestones and she could see a castle’s spire rising in the distance. Everyone looked and talked as if they were in the middle ages. Kara swallowed. She was in the middle ages. And Brandi was nowhere to be seen.
Panic rose in Kara’s chest. Where was Brandi? Was she okay? Then, to make things worse, many women were starting stare at her jeans as if it was devil clothing, though many men seemed to enjoy the jeans.
Wait, duh, in the middle ages jeans on a girl would be devil clothing. I must be like a medieval Lady Gaga to them, thought Kara with a grin. Then she turned her mind to grimmer manners. What am I supposed to do? How will I find Brandi? What am I going to say to these people?
Okay REALLY short chapter, but I had to make the decision point at this-it could be potentially hilarious
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It does not matter how many breaths you take, but how many moments take your breath away.
Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
"Five Bucks Can Take You Far" in Multiverse
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Sun Jun 05, 2011 4:23 pm Post subject: |
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Hey CBG!
Been meaning to get to this for a while, and it just keeps slipping my mind. And when I do read, it keeps slipping my mind to actually reply. Doesn't make for a particularly good fantasy mod, so thank god I've got Cy to sort that.
Right, yeah this was a short chapter, but a good one all the same. I'm not a hundred percent sure where I last read to, so I think it would be good for me to go over the whole thing at some point. But for now, dp time...
I'm going to say, go up to the nearest woman, and ask if she has a skirt/dress Kara can borrow. The reaction could be potentially amusing, and if she manages to get a skirt/dress, she won't stand out quite so much, and might stand a chance of persuading people to help her to find Brandi.
Keep up the good work!
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.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
Last edited by Tikanni Corazon on Sun Jun 05, 2011 4:56 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Sun Jun 05, 2011 4:50 pm Post subject: |
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OMG! I can't believe I MISSED this! I vaguelly recall not thinking, oh, right on! A new Brandi chappie - gotta read that later. Now I see it bumped and I feel terrible for letting it go so long - I'd even gotten to wondering when we'd see a new chapter... 
Anyhow, I liked this. It was succinct. And it sets up some great tension.
Now, as for the DP, I was kinda thinking like Tika there but I'm also now thinking we should maybe just find a clothing store and see if there's something we can trade (our jeans themselves perhaps?) for a nice dress in the modern fashion. We should then strike off towards that castle. Tha's what I'd do.
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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Mattheus
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| Posted: Wed Jun 08, 2011 5:10 pm Post subject: |
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| Well finally caught up on the whole story, really enjoying it. I think she should try and find clothes to wear but keep the jeans and maybe to make it more interesting no one there speaks the same language as her, so she to try sign language.
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Sun Jun 19, 2011 4:40 am Post subject: |
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thanks for the comments guys oh and Matteus, in the middle ages they still spoke english, it was just in a fancy kind of Shakespearean way.
Polls up!
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It does not matter how many breaths you take, but how many moments take your breath away.
Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
"Five Bucks Can Take You Far" in Multiverse
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Thu Jul 21, 2011 6:48 am Post subject: Poll |
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Looks like we need a tie breaker here!
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| What should Kara do? |
| Ask to borrow a skirt |
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50% |
[ 2 ] |
| Buy a skirt |
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25% |
[ 1 ] |
| Keep walking in your jeans |
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25% |
[ 1 ] |
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| Total Votes : 4 |
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