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Chinaren
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 Posted: Wed Aug 22, 2007 9:17 pm Post subject: Avarice Chapter 11 - The Beginning. |
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Last edited by Chinaren on Sat May 31, 2008 5:00 pm; edited 2 times in total
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NeverNeverGirl
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| Posted: Wed Aug 22, 2007 11:34 pm Post subject: |
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HUZZAH for the shopkeep! huzzah!
well written, so the shades didnt take the daughter at all, it was really Smur himself... whew..
glad that was you writing over yourself the Ren and not me.
Well as Smur has his daughter to protect now i think that he would follow the Melted Man out the door, otherwise he would be after the Blue Devils...
So out the door you go Smur, off onto a path you never expected....
you left out some punctuation there too China but i'm sure you will grab it the second time you look... it was only once or twice..
loving it. 
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The Meaning Of Fear
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| Posted: Wed Aug 22, 2007 11:47 pm Post subject: |
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Nice new chappy!
Well, maybe they can shoot them? They still have a gun, right?
What exactly ARE these things?
_________________
Cherish all your memories, even the bad ones, for they are what makes you who you are.
Doors to the truth, an SG where a boy is propelled into worlds he is unfamiliar with. He crosses many worlds, and sees many things that force him to throw away his innocence, once, and for all. Fourth Chapter, out for viewing!
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algu95
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| Posted: Thu Aug 23, 2007 3:35 am Post subject: |
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Hmmmmm... Shoot 'em! And if that doesn't work, RUN FOR YOU'RE LIVES!!!
Nice chapter anyways.
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Yes, no, what, hello?
Falcon Lord, a linear story by algu!
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Crossfire
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| Posted: Fri Aug 24, 2007 4:48 pm Post subject: |
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I didn't really think you described the scene with the portal enough... All we had was what we were given, and what we were given was something along the lines of...
"Well, here's the portal." "Oh! I feel sick." "Me too!" "It looks a little dangerous, so I'm going to run through with my eyes closed!" "Me too!" *THUD* "I feel terrible, but at least I didn't vomit..." "Bleaaargh... That thing's bad! BAD! BAD!"
Still, enjoyable chapter. I rather think that they should leave as quickly as possible, as algu said so eloquently, but instead of just running in some arbitrary direction, follow the necromancer.
He's Smur's only protection against the creatures, really. What exactly does Smur have, by way of assets? Apart from his daughter, living fairly well until he can get his revenge is his only priority, so let's just concentrate on him for the moment.
_________________
Thrash, dash and crash alike.
Silent eyes decide the wise and unwise - for one that lies. Let it arise.
Last edited by Crossfire on Fri Aug 24, 2007 5:32 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Fri Aug 24, 2007 4:59 pm Post subject: |
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| Crossfire wrote: | I didn't really think you described the scene with the portal enough... All we had was what we were given, and what we were given was something along the lines of...
"Well, here's the portal." "Oh! I feel sick." "Me too!" "It looks a little dangerous, so I'm going to run through with my eyes closed!" "Me too!" *THUD* "I feel terrible, but at least I didn't vomit..." "Bleaaargh... That thing's bad! BAD! BAD!"
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LOL! Well, I thought I described it enough the first time they went through, though I will take another look. I do have a tendancy to not describe things enough. I know this is certainly the case in the early chapters of this story.
~Writes 'Must try harder' one hundred times.~
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Mephistopheles
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| Posted: Fri Aug 24, 2007 5:10 pm Post subject: |
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hmm, nice ren, but, i have to agree with nene, if it weren't for the child, stand and fight. but there is the child. so run! should they get trapped however, then they will have to fight. And they are very ignorant and need the necromancers knowledge as well.
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Cause I am, whatever you say I am
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?
I don't know, it's just the way I am.
eminem
without the threat of death,
there is no reason to live at all
marilyn manson
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| Posted: Fri Aug 24, 2007 10:17 pm Post subject: |
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Cyberworm
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| Posted: Sat Aug 25, 2007 4:15 am Post subject: |
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I'm glad you took my advice about Smur and the others taking his daughter, and not the Collector. Well done, I have to say.
And yes, the time traveling is tricky, but that's where the fun is. No challenge, no fun! Keep up the good work!
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Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
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Crossfire
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| Posted: Sat Aug 25, 2007 4:27 am Post subject: |
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Mmm, I agree. These are still excellent chapters, despite a niggling detail or two. I wouldn't want you to give up, just because of a few negative comments... Although, knowing you, that isn't very likely. 
Incidentally, Cyberworm, you never did properly introduce yourself... There's a thread somewhere for just that purpose... I like the cut of your jib! Only one grammar mistake in your last twenty posts, and I do believe that was in the one before this one.
Crossfire coughs, then swells majestically. This is quite an impressive feat, considering that it doesn't actually have anything to swell. Or lungs, for that matter.
"Welcome to IF!", it exclaims happily, and hands you a cookie and a complimentary gift basket, courtesy of Chinaren Inc. "Don't eat anything in it," whispers the creature. "You'll regret it if you do... Chinaren's (benevolent) companies do some dark(ness-banishingly wonderful and amazing) things in his (glorious) name, and they aren't afraid to stoop to (the commoner's level from their lofty heights) poison (you with their ineffable goodness) or their special variety of mind-altering (tasty delights, now in liquid form and of all varieties) concoctions (of unimaginable loveliness) to get what they want (which is what is best for the hard-working and diligent Citizens of IF). A new Citizen like you is a walking target (for their caring generosity, just visit Chinaren Hall!)"
Crossfire looks around carefully, then darts around the corner swiftly, fading in instants. Before it does, it states grimly, "You didn't see me."
_________________
Thrash, dash and crash alike.
Silent eyes decide the wise and unwise - for one that lies. Let it arise.
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D-Lotus
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| Posted: Sat Aug 25, 2007 12:56 pm Post subject: |
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Not bad, but as you yourself pointed out, not nearly enough description. Not that you should go overboard with descriptive language, but I do feel the chapter lacks some depth.
As for the melted man, I think Smur would let him leave. After all, the Black Devils are after the melted man, and remaining with him would mean danger for the whole group and for Smur's daughter. Now that Smur has Alice, I think he'll want to protect her. Remember that was Smur's only objective- he's still a dirty scum, and wouldn't have any problem betraying any of his companions.
I think Smur should go a different way from the melted man. Plotwise, the melted man reveals things too quickly- his understanding of everything makes him a bad character to form part of the group. Smur should encounter some new clues somewhere else. Perhaps Smur tries to follow the melted man but ultimately loses him and is forced to remain without him. Whichever way, I really do think Smur needs to encounter another character, or a new setting, or expand in general (I will try to contribute ideas in the market thread of this story).
Later on in the story, Smur can re-encounter the melted man during a crucial moment, and recieve his aid- that would be a good plot-twist.
Anyway, I think Smur should be separated from the melted man. Perhaps they should voyage back to Draggon's tribe and see wether there's any new developments there.
_________________
 Chapter 5: The Rendezvous 
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Sat Aug 25, 2007 1:21 pm Post subject: |
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Mmm I thought the melted man's appearance was due to an encounter with a Shade - thus fueling the speculation that Smur could also be taught some of the same skills as he.
So, with that in mind, what is the relationship between the Black Devils and the Shades? Do they come from the same place?
And what is the relationship between these and the Collectors? Would the sudden appearance of the necromancer in this time (and thus the appearance of the Black Devils who are after him) actually prevent the Collector from finding Smur's daughter?
Staying within a reasonable distance of this necromancer at this dangerous time might actually prove beneficial... so I would say to Smur, keep a safe distance, but dont let him out of your sight. And don't interfere, either. This is time travel, after all...
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D-Lotus
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| Posted: Sat Aug 25, 2007 1:32 pm Post subject: |
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Crunchyfrog just made me think of something. If the Black Devils can sense the Necromancer's presence, could they not also sense Smur's presence, since he's been touched by a Shade as well? I mean, this is supposing they detect the Necromancer's presence because of his 'melted' side.
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Chapter 5: The Rendezvous
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Cyberworm
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| Posted: Sat Aug 25, 2007 2:48 pm Post subject: |
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Well Crossfire, I did put my introduction in the "Newbies" forum, but if by "not properly introduced" you mean I said too little about myself, that could be easily solved.
Thank you for commending my grammar, it really made my day. It's hard for me because english is not my first language.
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Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.
Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
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CunningFox
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| Posted: Sat Aug 25, 2007 5:44 pm Post subject: |
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If they can sense the melted man, Smur should stay away, hide and hope they pass him by.
It would be nice to know more abou them though, but hes not going to risk his daughter I think.
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Chinaren
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The Meaning Of Fear
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| Posted: Fri Aug 31, 2007 9:05 pm Post subject: |
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| chinaren wrote: | | Poll is up. Poop into the bucket of voting. |
You poop in a bucket?
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Cherish all your memories, even the bad ones, for they are what makes you who you are.
Doors to the truth, an SG where a boy is propelled into worlds he is unfamiliar with. He crosses many worlds, and sees many things that force him to throw away his innocence, once, and for all. Fourth Chapter, out for viewing!
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Chinaren
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Sat Sep 08, 2007 1:49 am Post subject: |
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| Consider the tie broken...
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D-Lotus
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| Posted: Sat Sep 08, 2007 2:38 pm Post subject: |
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Hmmm. I'm worried that if they hide, the Black Devils will be able to detect their presence through Smur, as he has also been touched by a shade.
The voting is very close, there's not a real great margin, so there's still time to vote for 'run away in a different direction', for those of you who have not yet voted and decide to heed my warning.
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Wed Sep 12, 2007 6:14 pm Post subject: |
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well, it's a tie. I'm going to start the next chapter soon, and can probably work both of these in if no one breaks it.
I'll leave it open until I start writing though.
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Cyberworm
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| Posted: Thu Sep 13, 2007 11:41 am Post subject: |
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Seems like our heroes will run after Melty after all... I can't wait to see how will that one go... 
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Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.
Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Thu Sep 13, 2007 9:04 pm Post subject: |
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Whoops! I didn't see your tiebreaker until just now CY!
I thought of a way to do all three of the tied options, so halfway through that now. Never mind, it does include running after Melty too, so it's not all bad.
I better close the poll now!
Excpect another chapter soon.
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| Black devils, Melted Man, or neither? |
| Go after Melty! |
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36% |
[ 4 ] |
| Open fire! |
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27% |
[ 3 ] |
| Run away, but not the same way as the Necromancer. |
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9% |
[ 1 ] |
| Keep your head down and hide. |
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27% |
[ 3 ] |
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| Total Votes : 11 |
| Who Voted: algu95, Chinaren, Crossfire, Crunchyfrog, Cyberworm, D-Lotus, LordoftheNight, Mephistopheles, NeverNeverGirl, Polokin, The Meaning Of Fear |
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