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Kirranna
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 Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 2:21 pm Post subject: Commentary for Moon Stones (I NEED HELP!) |
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Okay, so this thread is gonna be for the commentary of my ILS: The Last Moon Stones! Please give me your opinions on the characters, plot and all that jazz as the story progresses. Thanks!
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Last edited by Kirranna on Wed Jan 30, 2008 5:39 pm; edited 7 times in total
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Mephistopheles
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| Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 2:56 pm Post subject: |
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| cool story Kirranna. I really enjoyed the flow and descriptions. Hope to see you keep at it! oh, and welcome to IF!
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Mattheus
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| Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 3:08 pm Post subject: |
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Ah yes, dwarves, elves, mysterious people, magic. What else could you ask for. Very good story, looking forward to more 
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Novelest_Ninjagirl
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| Posted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 2:48 pm Post subject: |
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I AM ADDICTED TO YOUR STORY!!! I must say, it is certainly not the kind of thing I would write. It's certainly suits you though. As said before I'm very picky about what I read, but much like many other Ifians, your story captivates me and makes me rush to the computer after school to see if you've posted more.
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Kalanna Rai
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| Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 12:53 am Post subject: |
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Humm...archaic weapon fighting styles. Alright, now you're getting into territory where I can debate the facts with you.
Daggers are actually not bad in a fight with multiple opponants as long as you've got multiple daggers and the speed, agility, and flexibility needed to weild them correctly. I'm also going to add accuracy to that list since the throwing dagger is not anything to be trifled with.
Daggers can also be poisoned quicker and more effectively than a swordblade as they require less of the poisonous material and have less surface area. Indeed many daggers were designed for such with poison grooves in the blade and a hollow space in the hilt for the poison to be stored.
In a fight, if you're quick enough, a pair of daggers can be your best friend. The sword breaker in particular is a nasty weapon because it looks very similar to a normal dagger but has several grooves in the blade and reinforced guards designed to trap the blade and snap it with a simple practiced wrist motion. Daggers take less time to move than a sword and strike more precisely.
If I were that girl of yours I'd be asking the elf for exercises that would increase my stamina and upper body strength. She already seems to have the speed and agility so I'm not doubting that those will improve as she focuses on other aspects of her physical fitness.
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Kirranna
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| Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 1:00 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you lots Rai. This is why I have this as an ILS, so that people that have greater knowledge than myself about certain things can prove me wrong! I'll definitely adjust this chapter according to this new information.
Thanks Loads!
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Kirranna
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| Posted: Wed Jan 30, 2008 5:38 pm Post subject: |
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Guys I really need help here!
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| Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 8:36 am Post subject: |
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| Definitely a great story just keep it coming. On advice not to much to say right now ill have another read through after work and give you maybe a couple of things I can pick out but great work keep it up!!
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Aponi
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| Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 7:03 pm Post subject: |
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I've just read through once and I do like it. I have a few suggestions, nitpicks, and oddments for you:
A lot of your sentences are too long and complex. Too many people doing too many things at once in only a sentence or two, especially in the first chapter. It's okay to have long sentences, but breaking them up helps the rhythm of the story.
Talthus is a nice guy - maybe a bit too nice. I like that in the last couple chapters he has background that has to do with Jami now, but it's a little too coincidental that he picked her up in the first place. And the mutual attraction is coming a little too easy. They're so dang polite and considerate to each other. Great for a relationship, not so much for a story.
I love the history of your world - racial wars make it very interesting. It's slightly weird, though, that with racial wars in the not-so-distant past, there's no racism still going on. I live in the South, and losing the Civil War generations ago didn't make a scrap of difference to some of the rednecks around here.
My suggestions: Make up some racial slurs for elves, humans, dwarves and all, throw them around and really get some enemies made. Raise the tension. Make it clear that they really aren't that far from falling into another war.
For Talthus and Jami's relationship, again, raise the tension. Put a more forceful reason behind him picking her up - maybe he knew someone who got in a bad situation traveling alone.
And then get some drama going about the Crystal Bearers - maybe everybody else gets ordinary slurs and insults, but a Crystal Bearer gets superstitious terror and the kind of torch and pitchfork riot that usually goes along with Frankenstein's monster. And since Talthus has actually seen them in action, maybe he's touched by some of this fear too. He could start avoiding her. That would shake Jami up, especially since she's just starting to trust him.
Remember the way a story works: Chase your hero up a tree, throw rocks at him, and then let him get himself down.
I hope this helps!
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Kirranna
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| Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 10:33 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks Loads Aponi, and it does help! The fear Talthus has towards what Jami is, will become more apparent soon enough, though I like the idea of them getting chased out of the town by a torch bearing, pitchfork welding mob.
Oh and Talthus and Jami are soon to have a fight, but I'll see what I can do about making things more awkward, for now.
As for the slurs, thats a great idea! I'm definitely lacking in tension here so thanks, that will help.
As for the racism, well lets just say that the average guy may have some misgivings about an elf or dwarf but most everyone wants peace...well except for a few others that have yet to be introduced to the story. It'll be more clear as to why everyone isn't still at each other's throats. And the comment about people in the south is interesting, because even though humans may live short lives, they hold grudges through generations. And that is true in my story as well.
This is the part of the story before the "average" character realizes they're meant for much more. That's why there hasn't been a load of action, though I know there needs to be some.
Also, I do admit that I have a tendency to write run-on sentences. Its a horrible curse, but I'm working on fixing it. I'll go through the first chapter and see what I can do to make things more smooth.
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Aponi
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| Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 9:01 am Post subject: |
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I wonder how Talthus would react to being called a pointy-eared whelp? 
I've been thinking - usually, the last thing people really want after a war is peace. Maybe immediately afterward they do, but let a generation go by and fade the horror, and they'll get to thinking how much better it would be if their side had won. Peace is nice, they think, but winning is better.
What was at stake in those wars? It wasn't just elves are freaks and dwarves are grumpy and humans are hotheaded - somebody started it, thinking they were being treated unfairly by someone else or that they could somehow get a better deal. Negotiations went badly, someone was pushed, someone threw a punch, someone got killed, and then there were riots in the streets. The next thing you know, there's a war and people are divided up according to their races, regardless of what they really believe.
A lot of people get killed off and nothing really gets solved, and then what you have is a festering resentment among at least one group whose original problem was dealt with in violence.
About Jami and Talthus's relationship: I think there should be much more doubt at the beginning. She isn't going to be able to go with him anywhere or do anything with him without a really good excuse. She's going to delude herself into thinking she doesn't care one way or the other about him, but she's hungry/tired/cold/in pain enough to take a chance for just a minute. Maybe more interesting weather would help - if it started to snow when she cut her foot, she'd have to accept any help that came by, because the alternative would be hypothermia.
Anyway, just a few suggestions.
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Kirranna
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| Posted: Mon Feb 25, 2008 5:24 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you, your suggestions are very good, and I will consider them carefully. Yay! Help!
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