 |
 |
 |
 |
|
| Author |
Message |
Kirranna
Resident
Joined: 01 Jan 2008
Topics: 2
Posts: 81
Location: California
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
 Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 2:39 am Post subject: To Love Fire Chapter 5 |
 |
|
Chapter 1
As the sun filtered through the window of a castle onto the gold red hair of a young woman still asleep, many others were already up and about; bargaining, bribing, peddling and buying in the hustle and bustle of the busy town that encompassed Baron Malrif’s castle.
Baron Malrif’s estate held lands all through the surrounding countryside and into the high mountains that were the separating line between his own lands and those of Baron Karnal. Each man was amazingly well mannered and warm in each other’s presence but apart they held a great hatred for each other. For each land was prosperous but relied on the other for certain supplies or skills that they couldn’t come up with on their own. And so each man was constantly plotting how to take control of the other’s lands and thus create a single profitable economy and estate.
Both were rich men in a world were magic wasn't common but usually welcome. A world where trade was lively and politics were always a hot topic for discussion among those who had little ability to influence it at all. Yes a world where people did human things, mad mistakes and inventions, loved and hated, were at peace and at war.
But this story is not about Baron Malrif and his land disputes with his neighbor or the general stability of the world around him, though it is all important to know, this is actually about the girl, the girl with the gold red hair.
--
When the sun’s rays fell across Cora’s eyes she stirred. There was a scrunch of the face, a roll to her side followed by a sigh of disgust at the realization that it was already a new day. Why can’t the sun stay down just a few hours longer? But she couldn’t deny the wonderful sensation she felt in the sun’s light.
Finally rolling out of bed she let the sun warm her back. If anyone had been looking straight at this young woman, they would have thought her head afire, for the bright early morning light directly behind her glinted in every which way off the curls of her long soft hair.
Of course it was her hair that got her stuck in the Baron’s castle. It had been her hair that the Baron had been drawn to, almost immediately, as he browsed through the rooms of young girls. Boys were sold too but were not in as high of a demand. They were all little girls where Cora had been, girls that were captured or bred to be sold to rich men, or occasionally women, to be brought up and trained in their personal harems.
And only the rich did this because buying a girl so young was quite an investment. She would have to be clothed, fed, and trained by someone, decreasing that woman’s time that could be spent entertaining the owner’s guests or being leased out to close friends and possibly new ones. And then there was the rather large fee paid to the male trainer who, when the girl turned eighteen, took her every night for a week to a secluded building in the city, built just for this purpose, and taught her the special pleasures that men desire so that she would know and understand them, things that no woman can teach another woman.
So when Abigyl, one of the older courtesans, commented on Cora’s upcoming eighteenth birthday while all of the Baron’s girls were eating their breakfast she nearly choked herself to death.
“Whoa there Cora,” Symiel, a rather strong woman, gave her a few hearty pats on the back and handed her a cup with water in it, “Here drink this.” All fifteen of the Baron’s courtesans were seated around the large table that served as meeting place and dining table. A few, mostly the younger ones were smiling at the humor of their sister’s choking but the rest, those older than Cora, were smiling with a veil of pity upon their features. They understood.
Once she had regained her composure she nodded thanks to Symiel for the help and waited, as was custom, for the rest of her sisters to finish eating. Her plate went untouched, she had lost her appetite.
When they had finished they all rose and, starting with the sister that happened to be sitting at the head of the table, they kissed the cheek of the woman to their right. Cora had been confused by this ritual when she had first arrived at the Baron’s castle but soon understood the unsaid reason for the simple gesture. They did it so that the first touch of affection for your day was given by someone who actually cared whether you lived or died.
Cora watched the kisses being passed around the table, and was warmed by the sight of those among them that were highly competitive give their token of appreciation with sincerity. She knew this was because they all had known a client who had not cared at all about them. And even with competition the fifteen women had a strong bond that was broken for very few reasons. Cora knew that most of the women around her would sacrifice being in the Baron’s good graces, which is what they all strived for, to save one of their own from mistreatment or harm.
Cora’s round lips kissed Symiel’s cheek and she smiled warmly at the older woman. Symiel was one of those women who would sacrifice much for one of her sisters. Cora had always found her company beneficial in its reassuring nature as Symiel was a confident woman and rather wise. Symiel’s kiss had been the last in the circle so they all dispersed, off to tend to the preservation of their beauty, get ready for clients, or to learn from and assist those women.
Abigyl was due to visit the Baron in a few hours and it was Cora’s task to help her bath, style her hair, apply color to her face, and dress her. Cora followed her into the dressing room where others were also getting ready but all for other clients. Abigyl was given a special area to get ready because she was preparing herself for the Baron and he had special requirements and expectations for the courtesans he calls for.
“I’m sorry that I mentioned it Cora, I shouldn’t have said anything,” Abigyl apologized as she slipped into the rose scented bath. Many of the sisters hated the smell of roses because they associated it with the Baron and some of them had had rather bad experiences with him, but most had learned to expect such abhorrent actions from him and thus accepted the smell.
Cora gathered Abigyl’s hair together and applied a fragrant soap and lathered it generously, “Don’t worry about it Abi, I would have realized it eventually.”
“But I shouldn’t have been so callous by bringing it up at the table, that wasn’t considerate.”
Cora sighed as she rubbed the soap into Abigyl’s scalp, “Perhaps a little but,” and she pushed Abigyl's shoulders to signal her to dunk her head, “all is forgiven.” She smiled reassuringly at her sister and handed her a loofah to scour her skin pink. The Baron liked his women smooth to the touch.
After Abigyl had dried off, put a light tint of color on her eyelids and cheeks, and donned the outfit the Baron had bought especially for her use she alighted the Stairs and made her way up to the Baron.
None of the sisters still in training were allowed to accompany a Sister that was with the Baron for his special needs. If he was simply entertaining some guests and had one or two of his courtesans attend, the trainees could be present but they were always in the background tending to their mentors' needs throughout the night.
Cora wasn’t allowed to follow Abigyl this day and so she took advantage of her lack of assigned tasks to do her daily grooming.
As she was going through her meager collection of bath scents Sandra popped her head into her room.
“What is it Sandra?” Cora asked in a bored tone. Sandra was a few years younger than herself and very much the trouble maker. Usually it was innocent crimes like hiding all the brushes or exchanging a container of rouge for one with itching powder, but lately she had seemed more restless than usual but Cora had blamed this on the knowledge that Sandra was going through the most drastic of her physical maturation and was naturally uncomfortable.
But if Cora had bothered to look at Sandra’s face before she had asked her question she would have known the girl was up to something and avoided being involved at all. But she had asked and now was going to be privy to Sandra’s plotting.
“Well I’ll tell you Cora,” and she came and seated her self heavily onto Cora’s bed making the mattress poof around her in response, “I want you to go outside with me.”
Cora rolled her eyes and looked at her younger sister in annoyance, “what’s so important that I have to go to the garden with you?” When the women of the Baron’s harem were not entertaining himself or clients he only allowed them to walk in a secluded garden within the walls of his castle if they wished to leave their rooms.
“No Cora, I mean Outside.” Her emphasis on the last word made Cora realize Sandra was referring to outside of the castle walls.
The older girl glared suspiciously at the younger, “What are you up to Sandra?”
“Well, I--”
“You know we’re not allowed Outside until we’ve turned eighteen.”
“Yes but I--"
“And that if we were caught we could be thrown out on the streets or worse sold to a Slavemaster.”
“Yes I know that but--”
“Well if you know that, why would you even consider going Outside?”
Sandra burst, “Because I’m dying in here!”
Cora was silent for a few seconds, she knew what Sandra was talking about but she wouldn’t give the girl hope that she could get Outside. “What are you talking about Sandra,” Cora asked calmly, “You are well taken care of here, clothed, fed, cared for--”
“Its not a physical reason and you know it!” Sandra interrupted her.
Cora couldn’t let Sandra see her own complete understanding and desire to set her soul free from the monotony of the same rooms, the same people, and the same tasks everyday so she turned back to her bath scents and remained silent.
There were tears rolling down Sandra’s cheeks as she looked pleadingly at the back of her older sister, “Please Cora, I promise I won’t run away, like you think I want to. I promise I’ll stay right next to you the whole time! I just need to see other people, have some new experiences.” She paused and Cora heard a soft sob, “I need to feel like I have at least the tiniest, faintest bit of control over my life.”
--So what should Cora do? Refuse, agree? Tell another sister of Sandra's plan? And if she does agree how do they get out?
(edited some of the grammar issues and what spelling mistakes I saw...)
_________________
Myths: The Ancients' Soap-Operas ;D
  
.
Last edited by Kirranna on Sat Apr 11, 2009 10:50 am; edited 24 times in total
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Crunchyfrog
Honorable IFian
Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Topics: 168
Posts: 3998
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 2:52 am Post subject: |
|
|
Welcome to IF, Kirranna!
A good start you have there. I think for the DP they will need to have a plan, and some back up. It may not be easy to get out unnoticed.
They will need to decide which of their sisters they can trust, to be in on this - and of course it would need to be someone who shares the same desire to escape.
I would say Cora should agree with Sandra, but insist on bringing in one or two other girls on the plot.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Mattheus
Resident
Joined: 03 Jan 2008
Topics: 1
Posts: 51
Location: Sydney, Australia
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 3:00 am Post subject: |
|
|
Can't wait for the next chapter, great work.
I think that Cora should agree with the plan, but it should be just the 2 of them. I don't know what is planned but maybe they decide to keep going and run away. Disguise themselves as servants and sneak out. If they did this Cora would have to dye her hair. That could be interesting. 
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Chinaren
Hallowed IFian
Joined: 05 Sep 2005
Topics: 340
Posts: 8879
Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 4:20 am Post subject: |
|
|
Welcome indeed Kilbanna.
and...
| Quote: | | male trainer who, when the girl turned eighteen, took her every night for a week to a secluded building in the city, built just for this purpose, and taught her the special pleasures that men desire |
Where does one apply for this post?
Oh very well, no need to look at me like that. DP. Mmmm. I would agree with CF here, but let's just play the devils' advocate here. Tell her no. It's too dangerous! There are men to be served. The women should know their proper place! 
_________________
Neil Hartley Books.
My Amazon page.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Mephistopheles
Respected Citizen
Joined: 24 May 2007
Topics: 16
Posts: 612
Location: Not where I want to be.
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 4:35 am Post subject: |
|
|
good read Karranna. I f5 china, Where do you get a job like that? anyways, i think that they should wait until night falls, when all should be sleeping, and then sneak out, finding someplace of ill-nature to discover how wonderfully safe the Baron's house really is.
Looking forwards to the next installment
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Masterweaver
Honored Citizen
Joined: 21 Nov 2006
Topics: 13
Posts: 1463
Location: Look around
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 5:38 am Post subject: |
|
|
Everybody's thinking it, and I'll say it:
Bred, not bread
To interrupt, use two dashes, i.e--
A few capitalization errors.
Now that we have grammar out of the way, it was a good read, and a great story. As for the DP, I personally think our main character would let her friend go, but would stay for safety's sake. The less you know, the less they can torture out of you.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
The White Blacksmith
Elder
Joined: 02 Apr 2006
Topics: 15
Posts: 2629
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 1:07 pm Post subject: |
|
|
It doesn't seem to me as if there're any of their 'sisters' who they can't trust. I say tell them all, as all seem to want to get out. With more people comes more help.
As for the actually plan, I would need to know something of the layout of the garden before plottig an escape route. Is there a wall around it? Are there guards? You'll need to describe it in more detail in the next chapter.
Grammar errors. You need to watch your breaks, particularly in speech. Read things through in your mind, and think where you would put the breaks. Not only does this make it easier to read, but it can also give the characters much more personality and many more emotions.
Example -
| Quote: | | I promise I’ll stay right next to you the whole time, I just need to see other people have some new experiences. |
Should be split into two sentences, with commas. Then you'll end up with...
| Quote: | | I promise I'll stay right next to you, the whole time! I just need to see other people, have some new experiences. |
[/quote]
_________________
Tea Cures All.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Kirranna
Resident
Joined: 01 Jan 2008
Topics: 2
Posts: 81
Location: California
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 9:22 pm Post subject: |
|
|
  I suck at grammar....so thanks for the help, and I guess I didn't catch the "bred" issue. Such silly mistakes! Ach!
Though I will defend myself in saying that most of the words that look like they shouldn't be capitalized are supposed to be so to emphasize their importance or difference from the normal uncapitalized version of the word. Like the word "Stairs" that Abigyl takes to go to the Baron. It is capitalized because it has a powerful meaning for the courtesans; it is the way they must travel to get to their owner.
Anyway I'm very intrigued by some of these ideas, though I'm not sure it would be the wisest thing to try and help fifteen beautiful women escape from an obviously possessive owner. I'm wanting them to just have the desire to leave and experience new things because completely running away is something so unfathomable that they are obviously not very willing to consider it. The possible punishment for trying to escape would be far worse than just slipping out and back in-- at least that would be Sandra's rationale though I don't know if the Baron would see it that way.
But I'm particularly interested in Mephi's idea of them realizing how safe the Baron's castle is compared to the outside world...hmm... many thoughts are swirling around in the ol' nogen (sp?). But we'll see what you decide.
---Oh and Chinaren, if you're interested... Jk!
_________________
Myths: The Ancients' Soap-Operas ;D
.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Novelest_Ninjagirl
Respected Citizen
Joined: 09 Dec 2007
Topics: 13
Posts: 700
Location: The inn. Probably. Come check!
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 10:47 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Hmm, I gotta admit, this has so many idea that I never would have even dreamt up! The grammer could use a bit of work, but hey, mine could too. As for the DP. I'm thinking she says no, the girl sandra gets out, then gets caught and for punishment is killed. Great story!
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Chinaren
Hallowed IFian
Joined: 05 Sep 2005
Topics: 340
Posts: 8879
Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 1:54 am Post subject: |
|
|
I don't think they'd kill her unless it's some extreme circumstance. She's a valuable asset. Punished in some way that doesn't leave bruises - yes.
_________________
Neil Hartley Books.
My Amazon page.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Kirranna
Resident
Joined: 01 Jan 2008
Topics: 2
Posts: 81
Location: California
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 1:40 pm Post subject: |
|
|
K guys, you have until 6 o'clock tonight my time to give me anymore ideas then I'm gonna set up the poll. Atm it is 1:40 pm so have fun!
_________________
Myths: The Ancients' Soap-Operas ;D
.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Kirranna
Resident
Joined: 01 Jan 2008
Topics: 2
Posts: 81
Location: California
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 9:39 pm Post subject: |
|
|
here we are guys, the poll, sorry its so long but you guys had a lot of varying choices.
_________________
Myths: The Ancients' Soap-Operas ;D
.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Kalanna Rai
Assassin for Hire
Joined: 21 Jan 2006
Topics: 173
Posts: 3102
Location: The Frozen North
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 1:38 am Post subject: |
|
|
You mention torture and expect me to vote for something else...please. What kind of dragon would I be if I did that.
And yes...excellent story. I shall continue a perusal of this one as it's installments are finished.
_________________
"It's not just about living forever...the trick is living with yourself forever..."
"Music makes you braver."
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Masterweaver
Honored Citizen
Joined: 21 Nov 2006
Topics: 13
Posts: 1463
Location: Look around
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 6:42 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Le Voter has voted. Le Voter would now like to be released.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
The White Blacksmith
Elder
Joined: 02 Apr 2006
Topics: 15
Posts: 2629
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 6:52 am Post subject: |
|
|
Le Voter a le francais nul.
Le voter a caused a tie.
_________________
Tea Cures All.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Kirranna
Resident
Joined: 01 Jan 2008
Topics: 2
Posts: 81
Location: California
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 7:32 pm Post subject: |
|
|
K guys we have a three way tie (partially due to my own participation), help me out and make the votes more uneven!
_________________
Myths: The Ancients' Soap-Operas ;D
.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Crunchyfrog
Honorable IFian
Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Topics: 168
Posts: 3998
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 11:18 pm Post subject: |
|
|
yikes! I've made it a 3 way tie!
Your poll has only been up for a day though. Give it some more time.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen
Joined: 19 Aug 2007
Topics: 5
Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 11:38 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Really good Kirri! Though I am not into harem stories, I really enjoyed it.
I've found only a few minor spelling mistakes, but the story is very readable. The connection between the girls is presented well, and you managed to say a great deal about the world we are exploring in less than 2k words. That's something I have yet to master. 
Anyway, I think they need to use their bonds now to create a cover. Let all the "sisters" know. The more, the merrier.
Keep up the good work.
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.
Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
The White Blacksmith
Elder
Joined: 02 Apr 2006
Topics: 15
Posts: 2629
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 2:59 am Post subject: |
|
|
You did really well on that one, Cy. You managed to turn a three-way tie into a four-way tie!
_________________
Tea Cures All.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen
Joined: 19 Aug 2007
Topics: 5
Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 4:04 am Post subject: |
|
|
Glad I could help.
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.
Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Syranore
Citizen
Joined: 18 Nov 2007
Topics: 2
Posts: 153
Location: The Inn
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 11:00 am Post subject: |
|
|
Interesting read. I think that she should listen to what the sister has to say, and then try to make a rational, informed decision. On second thought, screw it. Run away, and don't look back.
_________________
Directive Chapter 2 -Complete
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
LordoftheNight
Revered IFian
Joined: 11 Aug 2005
Topics: 41
Posts: 5276
Location: Hell
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 2:54 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Wormy wrote: | Really good Kirri! Though I am not into harem stories, I really enjoyed it.
|
You've read many harem stories then? Any with pictures?
I broke the tie for you Kirra, voting like any sensible person (male) should do. I would also suggest informing a superior of some description of Sandra's complete disregard of the rules. Anything to get a bonus treat.
_________________
Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom.
Ave Dominus Nox
A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi
Blood Bowl
Scraping the Barrel
A Tale of Four Swords
Passion
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Thaumaturgus
Guest
Items
|
| Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 5:16 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Kirranna wrote: | | ---Oh and Chinaren, if you're interested... Jk! |
Trust everyone when they say, don't let that hentai ape within 500 feet of your girls 
But anyway, great start on your first SG. Grammar/spelling is simple to correct; you seem to have the crucial elements to writing nailed, namely characterization, so no need to beat your head against the wall with that emoticon.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Thaumaturgus
Guest
Items
|
| Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 5:23 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Opps, I created another tie
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Kirranna
Resident
Joined: 01 Jan 2008
Topics: 2
Posts: 81
Location: California
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 11:20 pm Post subject: |
|
|
GUYS UPDATED POLL! I need this three way tie fixed!
_________________
Myths: The Ancients' Soap-Operas ;D
.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen
Joined: 19 Aug 2007
Topics: 5
Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Tue Jan 08, 2008 2:22 am Post subject: |
|
|
I've broken the tie for you.
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.
Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Mephistopheles
Respected Citizen
Joined: 24 May 2007
Topics: 16
Posts: 612
Location: Not where I want to be.
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Tue Jan 08, 2008 3:18 am Post subject: |
|
|
| YAY for me! I re-tied it!
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Kirranna
Resident
Joined: 01 Jan 2008
Topics: 2
Posts: 81
Location: California
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Tue Jan 08, 2008 10:58 pm Post subject: |
|
|
CHAPTER 2
The good thing about still being in training was that their only clothes were rather drab and unremarkable. So Cora and Sandra didn’t need to worry about being recognized that way. No what they worried about was Cora’s hair.
“I can’t believe you talked me into this Sandra,” Cora whispered from under the loose wrap they had wound around Cora’s head and stuffed her hair into, “What am I gonna do if we go inside somewhere? I can’t leave this on, someone will be suspicious.” Most people, as a matter of manners, removed any head adornment while inside a building so Cora worried.
“It’ll be fine Cora,” Sandra whispered back to her as she kept watch from their hiding place in the bushes of the garden. The night was cold and the moon was hidden behind a thick dark covering of clouds that suggested rain. Cora's bright green eyes studied the sky and she realized that she was finding more and more reasons why this adventure of theirs wasn’t going to work, or could turn out horribly. And the rain was just another item to add to the list, the main issue was whether the Gardener could be trusted.
This Gardener had not worked here for very long. Unlike his predecessor, who had recently died, he was young. This had surprised many of the sisters, because an old decrepit man was of little threat to the younger women's coveted virginity, and was also less likely to fall under any of the sisters' spell. His name was Devin, as Sandra explained, and he was a average looking man who happened to have a gift with flowers and plants. His common brown eyes and scruffy brown hair along with his wiry-thin frame made him rather unremarkable actually. He wasn’t anything special, but somehow Sandra had looked past this and gotten to know him, latching on to him as her only connection to the outside.
Leave it to Sandra to seduce a Gardener. Cora mused as they waited for the incredibly unpunctual man.
"Sandra I don't think he's going to-"
"Hush, he'll show Cora. Don't worry." Such surety in her words but Cora saw a hint of worry on her naturally pale features. Minutes passed and the clouds' fury grew, making the two girls worry further.
Then suddenly, Sandra let out an excited peep as she spotted him and scurried out of the bushes with Cora in tow. He was wrapped in a dark, scruffy cloak, nothing special but it would keep out the cold, and from under it he pulled out two more. The girls silently thanked him as they donned the cloaks and then followed him to the door he used to get in and out of their walled in garden.
Cora could tell that Sandra was itching with excitement, and she couldn’t deny the rush she was feeling from the danger of their escape, but she made a serious effort of memorizing the turns they took in the dark halls they passed through and which doors to open. She wanted to remember how to get back in if something happened.
When they had finally reached the door used by servants to enter the castle Cora was incredibly tense. This was most likely to be the place that they would run into guards. But as the three went through the door and down the path to the defensive wall that surrounded the castle and then through the servant’s door there they met no one.
Cora was surprised at their luck and almost laughed out loud at their good fortune but kept herself quiet and inconspicuous as she continued to follow Devin. He beckoned them to stay close, and led them to a small house. Looking behind him he quickly opened the door, and ushered them inside.
It was a cozy little place, not from its decor, just simply because it was very small. The walls were bare and the furniture plain. There was a small bed in one corner and a table with two chairs in another. Other objects were placed about the room, like a bucket of water Devin probably used to wash himself in the mornings, to Cora's surprise a broom, and various other objects that Cora didn't get a chance to look at closer because once she saw the knapsack on Devin's bed she turned around in a flurry with a heated gaze.
“We’re going to run away.” Sandra informed her meekly.
“What! You told me you weren’t gonna try anything like that. I thought we were just going for a walk, look around a bit and then go back! Sandra!” Cora was furious and the younger sister visibly cowered, but Devin stepped in.
“She’s running away because she deserves better than being locked up in there, and you do to.” Cora wasn’t appeased by this explanation, she understood that, but it didn’t make it a realistic option. She glowered at the Gardener, angry that he had fallen under this sixteen year-old’s spell, and shoved him out of her face.
“No, there’s no way I’m going with you.” She huffed and then seated her self heavily on a chair. “Coming out here was a big enough risk, but running away! Do you know what would happen to you if they found you?”
“Yes Cora,” Sandra yelled and then calmed herself, “Yes I know. But I can’t let this chance slip away.” She knelt in front of her friend and placed her hand on the other’s, “That life is not for me Cora," she nodded her head in the general direction of the castle, "I can’t live like that. I, I have to at least try.”
Cora nodded her head in understanding, “Okay, but I’m not going with you.” she looked at her sister’s worried face and shook her head, “I won’t tell anyone that I knew you were leaving and who assisted you.”
“Thank you!” Sandra hugged Cora and then stood. “What will you do now? We have to leave right away.”
“I’ll head back to the castle and get in the same way we got out. Don’t worry I memorized the route.” Sandra nodded and turned to Devin who offered his hand, which she took, and then they walked to the door.
“Good bye Cora, and thanks.”
“Good bye Sandra, take care of your self.”
And with that Sandra was gone. Cora put her head in her hands and sat there for a few moments. Her mind was racing so she let it calm down before she attempted the journey back to and through the castle. Once she felt in control she got up and began to make her way back towards the castle.
But then it happened…it started to rain. And not just any rain, no this rain was so heavy Cora could barely see in front of her face much less find the castle above the buildings so as to point her in the right direction. Along the road she could make out light shining through some large windows and decided to make that building her goal. When she reached it she realized it was some sort of inn or tavern. Symiel had told her of them once, one of the older woman’s clients hadn’t wanted his wife to know he had taken up the Baron’s offer of one of his courtesans.
She found the door and decided that going into an unknown place was better than being out in the horrible rain, but once she had closed the door behind her and turned around she wondered if she had been wrong. All through out the large room were men of all shapes and sizes but all of them were the kind of men that would never been seen in the Baron’s presence. They were rough, dirty men. Men who looked at her and, upon realizing she was a woman, grinned wickedly from ear to ear.
Cora bowed her head and sat down at the closest empty table, trying to draw as little attention to herself as possible. She was soaked, though the cloak had helped keep the rain out for a little while. She regretted having to remove it but it was heavy and dripping water everywhere. So she hung it on a nearby coat rack and returned to her seat, hunching her soft but not all that frail shoulders she hoped to discourage anyone's interest. She knew what the Baron was like when he was drunk, she didn’t want to know what these men could do to a woman in their various states of intoxication. But despite her efforts a man lumbered over to her table.
“What’sss a little thing like you doing out a’ night?” He managed to say with out slurring too much of his speech. Many men were watching to see what would happen.
Cora just kept her head bowed and answered the man softly, “I’m traveling, on my way to my Aunt’s home and I got caught in the rain. I’m just here until it lets up, then I’ll be on my way.”
The man laughed heartily at her words, “Well then lets hope it doesn’t stop for a looong time!” and he made to grab her arm but she moved away easily as his sense of space was distorted from drink. The man grunted angrily at this and made to grab her again but she stood up out of her chair and backed away from him.
“‘Ey, git back here girly!” hollered the man.
Frightened, Cora took a few steps backwards, but she knocked into someone behind her. She felt a hand grasp her arm, but it wasn't painful so she didn't panic. One problem at a time Cora.To her surprise, the man halted abruptly, the expression on his face changing suddenly as he looked at the person behind her. It seemed as if whoever she'd bumped into was someone he didn't want to bother.
Curious, Cora turned around slowly to see who had just saved her and found herself staring into the most amazing dark blue eyes she had ever seen. She watched those eyes glare at the offending drunkard and follow the fellow to his friends and drinks. Then his eyes turned to hers and she felt she needed to say something.
“Um, thank you sir,” she found it very difficult to draw her eyes away from his but it was the strange expression of puzzlement that flitted over the features of his face that broke the spell his eyes had held her in. The hawk-like brow that shaded his eyes furrowed in confusion. He put his hand around her arm and pulled her to a part of the room that was less obviously in the middle of everything and looked at her straight in the eye.
“What are you doing here?” His voice had a tone of anger but was confident, smooth, and resonated in a way that made the tips of her fingers tingle from the wave of sensation it caused in her body. He looked at her expectantly and once again it was hard to draw her gaze from his eyes, so instead she decided to do the opposite of what she had been taught and stood proudly before a man. Her gaze met his head on and her stance showed him that she was more than a submissive young woman.
“I’m trying to find my way back to the castle. I’m a servant there, but the weather got bad so I came in here to get out of it.”
“Alright,” he didn’t seem to believe her but he didn’t push the issue. They stood there a few more minutes in silence, and with every minute Cora got more nervous. She noticed that some of the men were looking at them as if they were gauging how many of them it would take to get rid of her savior. Of course her clothes were also rather wet and with her standing it was easier for the men to see the hourglass form of her young but shapely body. But no one bothered them so Cora guessed this stranger held a lot of power among these men. Finally she asked him something that had been bothering her.
“Why did you save me from that man?” The whole time the blue eyed man had been looking at her watching how she reacted to the stares of the men. He saw how she was able to brush them off but that she was obviously uncomfortable. She was a woman used to being looked at.
“I don’t approve of women being used for the things that man had in mind.”
Cora was shocked by his words, and he saw the confusion plainly on her face. Her mouth was slightly open, allowing her rather full lower lip to seem even more full and enticing. He could tell that the hair on her head was of a red shade by the dark red tint of her thin eyebrows that were slightly arched in surprise. And her cheeks were tinted from the excitement of the past moments and the warmth of the tavern, above high proud cheek bones. No this young woman was more than what she let on, much more.
She looked more closely at this strange man, who had such strange notions about women. He had jet black hair he had pulled back with a tie at the nape of his neck, but some of the more wavy strands had found their way out and hung loosely on his head. His face was unshaven and there were circles under his eyes like he hadn’t slept in days. His body though seemed in good condition. He had a lithe frame that suggested that he was weaker than most men but his muscles looked well formed under the close fitting but plain clothes he was wearing. She couldn’t imagine what kind of a man this was and so didn’t know what to say.
“Listen,” he obviously saw she wasn’t going to comment, “Why don’t I take you to the castle, I could find my way there in the thickest of fogs. It’ll be no problem.” As he spoke she found herself comparing his voice to the color of his eyes, deep and masculine but assuring, like the night sky. But the sky was also intimidating, mysterious.
“Um, well, I don’t know. I can find my way once the rain stops.” she forced her self to say even as she considered what other wonderful things his voice reminded her of.
“I’m not sure you’ll want to wait. Rains like this can last into the following day.” he looked at her meaningfully and she wondered if he knew who she was, but she knew that to be impossible, she had never seen him in her life. She would have remembered. But his words did alarm her.
“Oh, well um, maybe. I mean I don’t even know you’re name.”
“Its Wesley.” Even his name sounded as wonderful as his voice did.
“I’m uh, Cora.” He put his hand out with his palm open. She looked at it in confusion and then remembered seeing the Baron do this with one of the Ladies that had visited him. She put her hand in his and he, in all of his un-kept grunginess kissed it. If Cora had thought the sensation from hearing his voice was amazing the shock that ran up her arm and to her core was breathtaking. He looked up at her and she saw a slight smile in his eyes and noticed that the menace in his hawk like features diminished into a truly handsome expression when he smiled.
“So?”
--------------------------------------------------------------------
What should she do? Risk waiting for the rain to let up or trust this amazingly handsome, but still very much a stranger, man?
_________________
Myths: The Ancients' Soap-Operas ;D
.
Last edited by Kirranna on Wed Jan 09, 2008 10:22 pm; edited 2 times in total
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Crunchyfrog
Honorable IFian
Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Topics: 168
Posts: 3998
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 2:39 am Post subject: |
|
|
This is a good story. The chapter length, spelling and grammar are also good. The only thing that I noticed with this chapter is the way in which the story is being told, and this is more a style issue than anything else.
There are lots of opportunities to get more suspense into your story. The girls are running away, and have persuaded a gardener to probably risk his job to help them.
I've highlighted a few examples and given some suggestions on how this could be improved.
A few techy bits...
| Quote: | | the main issue was trusting the Gardener. |
The main issue was whether to trust the Gardener. or The main issue was whether the Gardener could be trusted.
| Quote: | | The courtesans’ garden had just received a new gardener as the last one was old and had passed away. The new one, though was not old, which had surprised many of the sisters. |
This Gardener had not worked here for very long. Unlike his predecessor, who had recently died, he was young. (This paragraph then becomes an opportunity to describe him in more detail, and hint more about Sandra's relationship with him, and why a young gardener would be surprising for the sisters)
| Quote: | | Leave it to Sandra to seduce a Gardener. Cora mused as they waited for the incredibly unpunctual man. |
Leave it to Sandra to seduce a Gardener, mused Cora as they waited. (Some suspense could be built up here about whether he is going to turn up, instead of just saying he is incredibly unpunctual.)
| Quote: | Cora was surprised at their luck and almost laughed out loud at their good fortune but kept herself quiet and inconspicuous as she continued to follow Devin. She wondered why they were still following him but soon learned the answer. They arrived at a small home, that was really a one room building and Sandra gestured for Cora to follow them in when she had hesitated.
“We’re going to run away.” Sandra informed her as she entered the little home. |
Some dialogue between Sandra and Cora might heighten the suspense this passage. Instead of "She wondered why they were still following him but soon learned the answer" - Cora could try to ask Sandra what plans she had plotted with Devin, with Sandra telling her to shush and be quiet. We know she'll learn the answer eventually.
The sentence highlighted in red is clumsy. Too much has been crammed into this!
A suggested alternative:
Devin beckoned them to stay close, and he led them to a small house. Looking behind him he quickly opened the door, and ushered them inside.
Sandra stepped over the threshold and gestured for Cora to follow. (a description of the interior of the house would be good here) Then she whispered in her ear. "We're going to run away"
. | Quote: | They arrived at a small home, that was really a one room building and Sandra gestured for Cora to follow them in when she had hesitated.
“We’re going to run away.” Sandra informed her as she entered the little home.
“What! You told me you weren’t gonna try anything like that. I thought we were just going for a walk, look around a bit and then go back! Sandra!” Cora was furious and the younger sister visibly cowered, but Devin stepped in.
“She’s running away because she deserves better than being locked up in there, and you do to.” Cora wasn’t appeased by this explanation, she understood that but it didn’t make it a realistic option. She glowered at the Gardener angry that he had fallen under this sixteen year-old’s spell.
“No, there’s no way I’m going with you.” She huffed and then seated her self heavily on a chair. “Coming out here was a big enough risk, but running away! Do you know what would happen to you if they found you?”
“Yes Cora,” Sandra yelled and then calmed herself, “Yes I know. But I can’t let this chance slip away.” She knelt in front of her friend and placed her hand on the other’s, “That life is not for me Cora. I can’t live like that. I, I have to at least try.”
Cora nodded her head in understanding, “Okay, but I’m not going with you.” she looked at her sister’s worried face and shook her head, “I won’t tell anyone that I knew you were leaving and who assisted you.”
“Thank you!” Sandra hugged Cora and then stood. “What will you do now?”
“I’ll head back to the castle and get in the same way we got out. Don’t worry I memorized the route.” Sandra nodded and turned to Gavin who offered his hand, which she took, and then they walked to the door.
“Good bye Cora, and thanks.”
“Good bye Sandra, take care of your self.” |
Okay this scene in the little house - it is never made clear who's house it is, I am assuming it is Devin's. As mentioned before, a short paragraph describing the house would add to his character, which is lacking a lot at the moment. He hardly says anything, and in places he doesn't seem to be there at all. He must feel a little wary of what he is doing also, so he will want to be a little more furtive in his actions.
Also if this is his house, he would have opened the door, led them in, or ushered them in. It also seems that Devin and Sandra leave her alone in the house for a moment, and she leaves for the castle alone. This also doesn't seem right. Devin then becomes Gavin. This passage needs fixing.
| Quote: | “‘Ey, git back here girly!” The man hollered but he stopped in his advance towards her because she had backed herself into someone else, and apparently the man didn’t want to bother who ever she had run into so he sort of backed away and grudgingly made his way back to his friends and drinks.
Cora turned around slowly to look at the man that had just saved her and found herself staring into the most amazing dark blue eyes she had ever seen. |
The sentence in red is very long and clumsy. A suggested alternative...
| Quote: | “‘Ey, git back here girly!” hollered the man.
Frightened, Cora took a few steps backwards, but she knocked into someone behind her. To her surprise, the man halted abruptly, the expression on his face changing suddenly as he looked at the person behind her. It seemed as if whoever she'd bumped into was someone he didn't want to bother. He backed away and grudgingly made his way back to his friends and drinks.
Curious, Cora turned around slowly to see who had just saved her and found herself staring into the most amazing dark blue eyes she had ever seen. |
Anyways for the DP I say she wants to know more about this stranger, because she wont want him telling that she escaped the castle.
Last edited by Crunchyfrog on Wed Jan 09, 2008 5:58 am; edited 2 times in total
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Mephistopheles
Respected Citizen
Joined: 24 May 2007
Topics: 16
Posts: 612
Location: Not where I want to be.
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 3:56 am Post subject: |
|
|
| I believe that she will have to trust him, and they should embark on a late night stroll to the castle, during which time the rain stops and fate delivers a wonderfully pleasant evening for falling in love.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Masterweaver
Honored Citizen
Joined: 21 Nov 2006
Topics: 13
Posts: 1463
Location: Look around
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 4:28 am Post subject: |
|
|
Soldiers burst in and arrest everyone. For no other reason then it's traditional.
And well-written.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Cyberworm
Respected Citizen
Joined: 19 Aug 2007
Topics: 5
Posts: 652
Location: Spatially found, temporal lockdown.
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 4:34 am Post subject: |
|
|
Oh yes, I like it. F5 Messy about the trusting part. The sheeps mustn't stay in the wolf's den, for no good will come of it. You know what I mean.
_________________
Slit and Slide
One man's journey through the possibilities of solving what he says is a murder. What was it? Try not to forget.
Beyond Good and Evil
Could it be that being good is not good at all?
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Kirranna
Resident
Joined: 01 Jan 2008
Topics: 2
Posts: 81
Location: California
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 11:37 am Post subject: |
|
|
Thank you for the suggestions Crunchy, and I will apply them right away. My only concern is that it will make the chapter too long. You see I would have added in my info about the gardener and descriptions of their surroundings, but there was so much that needed to happen in this chappy so I decided to keep low on the info rather than make people annoyed with length. I'll try to put the stuff in and adjust where needed with out making it too ridiculously long...but we'll see.
And thanks for the suggestions guys, they're looking really fun!- And Mephi I didn't know you were so romantic!
---Okay I adjusted so of the problematic areas and hope this is better.
_________________
Myths: The Ancients' Soap-Operas ;D
.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
The White Blacksmith
Elder
Joined: 02 Apr 2006
Topics: 15
Posts: 2629
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 1:41 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I say trust him, and they walk in the rain, and she falls very much in love, a la Messed, but add in a little of Weaver's idea. when they get to the castle, they're on high alert because they've realised the escape. The man turns out to be a complete cad and sides with the soldiers, saying he caught her runnig away and thought he'd better bring her back, as she looked far too pretty to be normal. Varous nefarious doings ensue.
_________________
Tea Cures All.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
DELETED
Guest
Items
|
| Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 3:01 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| DELETED
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Kirranna
Resident
Joined: 01 Jan 2008
Topics: 2
Posts: 81
Location: California
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 11:55 pm Post subject: |
|
|
K guys heres the poll for the Third Chapter! Sorry about the repetition of the first option, a glitch or something. If you want to vote for that click the first one.
_________________
Myths: The Ancients' Soap-Operas ;D
.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Mattheus
Resident
Joined: 03 Jan 2008
Topics: 1
Posts: 51
Location: Sydney, Australia
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 12:20 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Yeah go with the soldiers charging in. It always happens just when you think something else is.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Head Eater
Resident
Joined: 20 May 2007
Topics: 1
Posts: 62
Location: Hovering above your sssssskull
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 3:06 am Post subject: |
|
|
Thisss ssstorygame isss acceptable to me.
_________________
Heads.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Papa Bear
Guest
Items
|
| Posted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 12:48 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| I like the idea that a group of soldiers randomly barge in and start cracking skulls, <3
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Kirranna
Resident
Joined: 01 Jan 2008
Topics: 2
Posts: 81
Location: California
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 12:02 am Post subject: |
|
|
K guys here's the results of the poll! I'm gonna get the chappy out within the next 24 hours I hope
She will have to trust him, and they should embark on a late night stroll to the castle, during which time the rain stops and fate delivers a wonderfully pleasant evening for falling in love. 10% [ 1 ]
Soldiers burst in and arrest everyone. For no other reason then it's traditional. 30% [ 3 ]
She trusts him and he leads her back to the castle. They arrive to find the place on high alert and he turns her in. 0% [ 0 ]
Soldiers Burst in and start arresting everyone in an attempt to capture a murderer, not surprisingly the man that had attacked Cora. A soldier recognizes her, and arrests Wesley for stealing one of the Baron's Courtesans. 50% [ 5 ]
She wants to know more about this stranger, because she wont want him telling that she escaped the castle. 0% [ 0 ]
Total Votes : 10
Who Voted: Crunchyfrog, Cyberworm, Masterweaver, Mattheus, Mephistopheles, Novelest_Ninjagirl, Papa Bear, The White Blacksmith, Zephyr
_________________
Myths: The Ancients' Soap-Operas ;D
.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
