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silvermist
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 Posted: Sun Dec 14, 2008 7:52 pm Post subject: The Friendship Seal |
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This story is not only written by me. but also written by snow tiger. hope you enjoy.
Chapter 1 the beginning
At the very beginning of 6th grade, at woodmore elementery school. you know how it is right? new friends , sometimes old friends. and of course new teachers. mre homework and more to expect. well the day started out, like any other school day.
but, this one was special.
Kayla , in the car nervous about this year. she had been to this school before, but she had been there since 1st , 2nd , and 3rd , the beginning of 4th , but left after that. and for 5th she was gone. but now she's coming back, to see some of her old friends , and because she had no other choice but woodmore.
When she arrived , she got out of the car. and sighed.
" have a good day at school honey" Kayla's mother said.
Kayla nodded and walked inside. she new where her classroom was. so she walked in. her homeroom teacher.... math , Kayla's worse subject.
" mr. mcdonald , im Kayla." Kayla introducing her self.
" Kayla , take your seat." mr.mcdonald said. cleaning his desk.
Kayla rolled her eyes and sat.. next to a fat boy named Evan.
Kayla shy and bored. the first couple of hours of school had been boring and miserable.
after a couple of day's. things have gotten so very like this was gonna take forever. i talked to some of my friends a little... but too disapointed to.
after the first week , kayla had no longer smiled. after she got to school she walked to her classroom.
" Kayla , glad your here ... your gonna switch classes get your stuff and come on"
mr.mcdonald. said quickly. i walked with my stuff. and walked into the room next door. i saw some of my other old friends. sophia , shaleya. ronald and the rest.
" hi kayla take your seat.. next to antione ok." ms. vanhoose said.
she seemed nice. very pretty too.
antione. kinda cute. nice glasses a bit shorter than me. but i thought i was shorter than him.
" hi .. antione" i said. softly.
" oh hi kayla... your the new girl?" he said with amusement.
" im not new here... just coming back>" i said.
" cool." he replied.... end of our conversation.
i walked over to shaleya... and said hi. and talked to ronald a bit.
then went over and talked to sophia.
when i was done greeting people. i noticed this girl behind me... reading.
she was so in to her book. and i saw some of her drawings on the table.
so cool.
" h-hi.. im Kayla" i greeted her.. shyly.
she looked up...... " h-hi i'm c-Chimdiya. " she said shyly too. i disturbed her.. she did not seem angry though.
" ok kids take your seats. and open your text book's" ms.vanhoose called to the class.
at lunch... i talked to Chimdiya some more. and then more and more. its like i talked to her alll the times... i guess you can call us friends now.
i still hung out with shaleya all the time. so me chimdiya and shaleya the 3 amigo's .. you can call us.... i guess.
[/u]
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silvermist
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| Posted: Tue Dec 16, 2008 6:25 pm Post subject: |
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chapter 2
i dont really remember how or when we met but me and kayla were the best of friends. if it hadn't been for the fight i'd had with amber, my fifth grade best friend, it wouldnt even have happened. amber had started blowing me off in public when we'd enterd 6th grade and still, she talked to me when we were alone, together as if nothing had happened. i'd grown sick of her treating me like dirt in front of her "new" friends so i'd returned the treatment. it was in that time that i met kayla. sort of new to the school, seemed to get along with the boys just fine. at first i hated her because of her confidence and watched from a distance as she rapidly made new friends-- unlike me.
oneday, we'd started talking. it took ten minutes to make us inseperable best friends.she wasn't like anybody lse i'd ever met. she didnt care what people thought of her and she was wild. just plain wild. and wild was what i wanted to be and i kinda was. especially loved this phrase of hers "no comment" it wasn't just the words but the way she said it.
and the way she narrowed her eyes and smiled a tiny little smile when she said it. kayla wasn't really in my "social class" because of her low grades. i knew if my mom ever found out she'd even ever gotten a 79%, it was bye bye friendship and yet i risked it.
shaleya didn't join us until later, or was it the other way around? we were unlikely friends and yet we connected. shaleya: frail, eyes the clor of her light brown hair, tiny voice that you had to listen really hard to hear, excellent in basketball, excellent hand eye coordination, steadfast.
rich. me, medium height, short black as night hair, dark brown eyes, a pointed nose, narrow face, tiny ears i was jokingly teased about, red pink lips, really really bad hand eye coordination,glasses, shy, accent.
kayla, short, medium black hair, eyes of which color i couldnt make out under long dark lashes, easy going, good dancer, and anime crazed.
we decided oneday, to write an account of all the stuff we got into together. the romance, fights, bullies, crushes, hated teachers , all that good stuff, which is why i'm sitting in my room, watching the sun set and writing in this dusty brown notebook i found last year in the attic.
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silvermist
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| Posted: Tue Dec 16, 2008 6:49 pm Post subject: |
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Chapter 3
During the year... we became soul mates. dont get me wrong... we were tight like that.. as people call it. no homo. during the year we were all yet so happy.. yet so sad... because.... the more farther we went into the year.. we all knew it would come to an end.
every day... was a cherished moment.. friends till the end.
" hey chimdiya.. shaleya.. what's up?" kayla said.
" nothing" " not much"
they both said at the same time.
" lets get to class , we got ms. aderson today" kayla said.
" i hate her" shaleya said in disgust.
" she looks so old." chimdiya said.. looking up from her book.
they walked into art... and took their seats.
" ok.. alright be quiet before you have to write!" ms. aderson said... with her hands folded across her stomach.. standing up.. with white and gray hair .... a yellowish... gold looking tooth, big bulky looking boots , a 1985 looking skirt and im not even sure if their were such things back then, a wrinkled shirt , and a grimace slapped on her face , a.k.a.... the devil.
the class moaned , sucked their teeth. and the usual routine of 6th grader.
after class they went to lunch... people made fun of chimdiya because she was reading.. chimdiya just stared and kept on reading. kayla would not let her friend be treated this way.. she was the smartest in the class!.... kayla turned around and said.... " hey why dont you just leave us alone."
sure there were people in that school that would beat someone up for saying something like that, but they would all do anything to watch out for their friends back. friendship's like that , dont come around to often. sometimes they dont come around at all. but deep inside they started this friendship on their own.
" so kayla you still like antione." chimdiya and shaleya asked teasing and laughing after they said it. kayla laughed too. kayla looked at antione.
"yeah , i still like him." kayla said.
they sometimes hated it when they went home.. because.. we all had a little family problem. i think so. but we kept it to ourselves. and continued from their.
standing hand in hand.
dreaming . hoping , wishing , caring
friends.... until the end.... if there is and end.
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snow tiger
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| Posted: Sun Dec 21, 2008 1:04 pm Post subject: |
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chapter 4
every day, when i went home, i had a different live, a secret one,one tht wasn't what the kids at school thought would ever belong to a person like me.
did they think that peppy happy chimdiya would ever have a time when she was sad? that the shy girl that they had come to know had another side to her? ofcourse not!
but it was true anyway. i couldnt prevent it from happening. you see, my family had problems. big problems. for instance, my mom isn't exactly miss healthy, seeing as she's stressed and has HBP and all. my dad worked hard to hold us up
but i always feared that oneday, he would just give up-- my sister and i aeren't exactly the most wonderful, appreciative daughters in the world. atleast not back then.
and then we would loose our big house and be kicked back to africa from the states and if u knew how humiliating this would be, u would agree with me when i say, i'd rather plunge a knife into my heart.
back where i came from, people had high expectations of me-- who wouldn't when a kid writes a book at 7, publishes it by 9 and has passed the SATs and getting ready for middle school by 10?
who wouldn't when the mother of this kid is like , the "overachiever"? the very same woman who runs an adoption program with her brother,brought water and electricity to more than 5 populous villages, and has brothers and sisters in italy, austria,and who knows where?
i know i'm trning from miss charmingly darling into miss morbid but i'm a pre teen and tht's suppossed to happen right?
anyway, i wasn't sad or angry or anything while at school because my friends kept it at bay. at home? u should have seen me. i yelled and talked back to my parents, was a smartass, had a quick tongue
and to top it off, a temper that was so short, just a tiny little request would trigger it. but nobody knew about it. i knew that slowly, slowly, i was sucking the life and laughter out of my parents but i couldn't stop. didn't know how. until the day i almost lost my mom.
she'd just had my second baby sister: she wasn't even up to 2 months, when her BP spiraled out of control. her vision got blurry and she saw things as distorted. she was sweating and sitting in the visitor's room on the bed. she didn't even know anything at-all was wrong-- that is, until one of my aunts came and measured her BP.
u should have seen her face. she told my mom to lie down while she called my dad. but by thhe time he got home, it was back to normal, so they just ignored it and laughed over it. but me-- i was scared.
i did not want to lose my mom and God knows i would have gone crazy if i did. she was living shadow of her past self alreay: the proud smile and noblisse obligesee was gone. her eyes, filled with purpose and dignity were now dim and had a kind of sadness in them.
i managed to sleep that night and when the BP didnt come back the next day, i was relieved.
but on saturday....... boy, was i in for a surprise. saturday night, her BP rocketed sky high. they took us somewhere to stay for the night and took her to the hospital where she remained for some days. i learned later on that she had been in intansive care and her body had been jerking around, uncontrolled. she told me she had wanted to tell my dad to take care of us kids
but something told her to stop, that that would mean that she'd given up and my mom is not one to go down without a fight. immidiately she rfused to tell my dad what she'd planned to say, she got better.
some say it was a miracle , some say it wasn't , all i know is, im glad my mom didnt die and thts the story of my mom.
ttyl, little noteboom.
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silvermist
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| Posted: Sun Dec 21, 2008 5:49 pm Post subject: |
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CHAPTER 5
We all had some family problems.. in fact... kayla wasnt perfect either... i dont know about shaleya.. she seemed perfect to me. kayla had a swolen... side of her face and it got bigger each day... soon.. it hurt so bad.. that on a friday at school ... they ad picture day... kayla tried to act happy.. so she did.. but when thatt day ended.. she complained.. so much to her mother.. that.. they drove her to the hospital... and it took about 30min 's for the doctors to find kayla a room.
" every thing is gonna be alright kayla" kayla's mother said trying to comfort her.. but kayla knew everything was not going to be alright.
the first night at the hospital.... they took X-rays.. of her face.. and... as the doctors.. talked to kayla's mother... in a low-hushed voice.... kayla.... saw her father and sister leave..
"Wait please.. stay..!" kayla cried.. but she could not get up.. for they had that.. I.V thing in her arm... as kayla would call it another.. annoying shot.. as they left... kayla's mother.. put her back in the hospital.. bed... and kayla... calmed down.. and fell asleep.
The next day... was a scary one.. they were going to do a procedure.. on her face.... but they would put her to sleep. surgery , flew.. through kayla's mind all day. she thought about... chimdiya.. shaleya.. dad.. and sis. and antione.. what they were going to think... when she didnt show up on monday...
"isnt dad coming?" kayla asked her mother.
"i dont know... sweety" kayla's mother said... troubled..
"probaly out with his new family" kayla mumbled to her self.
"ok.. um mrs. carlyle." the doctor.. said.. coming in..
"were ready to do the procedure." they said. kayla closed her eyes. and took a deep breath.
kayla,..... a 11 year old girl.. with a jacked up face.. not the best grades.. a girl would want.. a bad - ass father.. who dosent give a - but.. friends.. to comfort her.. to care for her...
she knew.. that whatever.. happened.. she wouldnt let herself.. be tramatized.. by her problems.
and... she never... would.. want to live long enough.. to see.. a new day and a new dawn. because.. if her musical dream was not gonna come true.. then.. there was no use. of her continuing.. to try... but she could not kill.. herself.. let alone anybody else... would you? im sure you wouldnt.. and if you loved music as much.. kayla did..
you.. would too.. be troubled.. and with a messed up.. life.. she didnt feel... safe by her self.. she... didnt.. trust anybody... except her friends ofcourse.
" listen... , i dont want you. to follow my footsteps. i wont let.. you pay for my mistakes. that is the wrong way. im sorry for all that has happened. i will never ever be free from the blame." kayla.. would hear.. a soft... weary.. voice... while she slept.. in the noisy.. hospital.. the beep sound going all the time...crying babies.. from pain.. it would make kayla cry.. to hear it.
loving someone might be a mistake.. but its worth making..
chances will come and go so there worth taking..
my mother and father... are the mistakes... they werent worth making...
the chance they took for me.. to be born.. i dont know.. if it was worth taking.
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snow tiger
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| Posted: Tue Jan 13, 2009 3:27 pm Post subject: |
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evan boykins. chimdiya's face screwed into a scowl. there weren't many people she hated but somehow, this overly obese pig had managed to squeeze himself into her revenge list.
it all started in fifth grade, with marlin johnson, who, fortunately, had left the school.......
there she was. the new girl. she had never for once wondered what it would be like to move, and to the one place she least expected. oddly enough, she didnt feel as she'd dreamt and thought she would feel. actaually, she didnt feel anything at all except a small whisper of fear that she had subdued to the deepest, darkest corner of her mind.
she desperately wanted her mom to stay with her but the woman from the front office, whose face was smeared all over in make-up and had a permanent frown fixated on her face was already probing her forward, into the room with one bright-red painted claw like finger, her thickly mascraed eyes impatient while she whistled away all the good qualities of this "beautiful wonderful institution of academic excellence" in a monotonous automatic voice.
the teacher, a huge towering hulk of a woman that reminded her of agatha trunchbull from the "matilda" movie, lumbered over on legs not quite as thick as the trunchbull's , yet encased in , it seemed, the very same sneakers. she shuddered slightly as she clamped her shoulder firmly in an iron grip and dragged her over to the very first group which consisted of five people: all girls.
the first was short and light skinned with a sharp delicate nose, huge brown eyes and bow pink lips.
the second was a little in-between;not quite a midget but not average either.
the third was white, the only one it seemed and the fourth, though the shortest had a look about her that said dont mess wit me or i'm going to make your life a living hell. she had oversized lips, an average sized nose and beady malicious little eyes that seemed to smirk nastily at her. according to the paper on her desk, she was deenetra.
but the eyes were worst. chimdiya averted her eyes so they wouldnt have to look at the girl's eyes which seemed to bore like tiny drills into the side of her skull.
the teacher droned on in a commanding tone. something about ecosystems. she already knew all there was to know about those but she pretended to listen just in case the teacher looked at her which she seemed to be doing a lot.
twenty long minutes passed by before they went to lunch in the cafeteria. chimdya had heard of these but never actually been in one due to the fact that her old school had been a private school that strictly dismisse cafeterias as impractical and useless.
luckily for her, the sitting arrangement was decided according to your place in line.
she picked at the cafeteria's version of "food" , watching her classmates talking and eating casually. she flinched as she remembered rule #375 from bridgeview, her old school;never talk with your mouth open. it is disgracing and rude.
she wasn't scared. just curious. they had a different kind of accent that had a sort of pitched twang to it and they had distinctly different behavior patterns.
just then, she noticed th two boys in front of her. one fat and ugly as a toad and the other plump and full of himself.
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snow tiger
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| Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2009 11:38 am Post subject: |
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the fat boy pushed her roughly "hey wassup, new bitch" it was more of a comment than a question and chimdiya knew getting mad would only make this guys stick around a lot longer "so-so" she shook her head casually, regarding them coolly
a look of surpise passed briefly through both the boys' faces but they quickly regained themselves. she smiled at their confusion and returned to picking at her food quietly
"so, you wanna meet with me tonight? let daddy finger you a 'lil bit?" the fat boy said loudly. instictively, chimdiya's hand shot out to the first thing on her tray-- an asian pear and she threw it, as hard as she could at the boy. it was a beautiful throw, fast as lightninng, arcing in mid air before hurtling down to it's target.
the fat boy doubled over "shit! you're crazy!" he looked up before falling into a fit of coughs "look what you did!" the other boy yelled "what the hell is your problem?"
the cafeteria had gone quiet and the staff were beginning to notice that something was amiss. the boy rushed at chimdiya, intending to punch her, only to find himself in a haze of perfume just before she slapped him and left him curled in a ball in the middle of the cafeteria. she pocketed the perfume and thought about how effective etiquette class had turned out to be.
Last edited by snow tiger on Tue Jan 20, 2009 1:50 pm; edited 2 times in total
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TruePurple
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| Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2009 12:07 pm Post subject: |
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Your not really bothering much with sentence structure. Story structure isn't exactly the best either. It kind of meanders. Also it starts and stops suddenly sometimes. I haven't read the full thing yet, but there are some nice aspects too, like the characters, rich and believable.
One thing you could do is capitalize those first letters of sentences. Aside from the occasional name in the first post, I don't spot any capitalization anywhere. Well silvermist capatalizes the first letter of some paragraphs. But its suppose to be every sentence.
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Adventures of John Chapter 2. I am working to update chapter 1 before I close poll and write chapter 3.
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| Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2009 4:57 pm Post subject: |
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| thanks for the advice TP
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| Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2009 6:02 pm Post subject: |
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but i think they know wht they're doing its a great story but kinda wobbly
if y'all can fix tht, u'll be ok
anyway, i'm trying to strt my own story game and i've been looking around other SGs for good advice and i've found a lot. my first SG got trashed cuz i kinda ignored it and people kept on saying capitalize capitalize so instead of asking u why, im just gonna say thanks cuz thts really helpful for my story game. i think i made the same mistakes tht they did.
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silvermist
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| Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2009 8:12 pm Post subject: |
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| thanks TP.. i'll keep that in mind^ ^
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silvermist
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| Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2009 10:11 pm Post subject: |
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After kayla thought about all the things she hates like her father... but somehow found space in her big heart , to make room for him and every one else.
"ok kayla , here is your breakfast as you ordered" one of the nurses said as she rolled in the cart with pancakes ,milk , and bacon.
kayla stared at the food and drunk the milk and pushed the cart away. (hospital food always , is not a good. especially not their breakfast.)
kayla could barely turn her neck it hurt so much , she wondered what chimdiya and shaleya and antione and the rest of her friends were doing and how they felt and stuff like that.
it was like , kayla was isolated from everything she wanted to be around. and she was , she wanted to be around her father , her friends , her family , and people that made her feel comfortable ( besides this oh so comfortable hospital bed)
Later that day.... kayla got up and out of the bed to use the restroom.
"ughhh , mom my stomach hurts" kayla said moaning.
kayla's mother helped kayla into the restroom.
kayla's stomach growled , and kayla started throwing up.
kayla's mother called the nurse. the nurse came in....
"is there something wrong mam?" the nurse said calmly
" yes there is something wrong... she's throwing up!"
kayla's mother snapped back
"oh dear , i'll get some medicine " the doctor left.
kayla stopped throwing up. and climbed back in the bed.
the nurse came back with the medicine and kayla drank it.
She plopped her head back on the bed and closed her eyes.
" grate , now my throat hurts even more"
kayla thought to herself.
" i hate this." kayla said mumbling under her breath as a tear fell from her face... and drifted off to sleep.
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TruePurple
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| Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2009 11:51 pm Post subject: |
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Why capitalize at the start of every sentence? Because it helps visually separate one sentence from another in a way that is known. Which makes it easier to absorb.
Let me ask you this. How easy is it to read this?-
"whycapitalizeatthestartofeverysentence?becauseithelpsvisuallyseparateone sentencefromanotherinawaythatisknownwhichmakesiteasiertoabsorb."
The spaces between words serve some of the same function but at a different level (granted much more important) as caps at the start of sentences, paragraph spacing, indenting, periods and commas.
Spaces in words help us visually separate one word from another. The caps help us tell one sentence from another. Sentences are like words on a larger scale in a way. Parcels of thought dividing up our text food into bite sized bits.
One of the reasons phone numbers often have dashes in them. Rather then 4324245532, 432-424-5532. The second is much easier to remember, even if just long enough to dial it right away.
@Silvermist
You'll keep this in mind, yet I spy only like two capitilizations in that last post. *scratches head* BTW, the first letter of names are also capatilized(or suppose to be) I guess so they stand out a bit more, as the individuals in any text are probably important to that text (or story)
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| Posted: Mon Jan 19, 2009 10:41 am Post subject: |
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well TP i think snow tiger and silvemist story is wonderful... i love stuff like this.
dont be such a critic. they wrote the story so people can comment and tell how they like it. btw , silvermist and snow tiger keep it going dont stop. sure they have some things to work on but how do you know that their not just lazy (no offense)
i do the same. so chill and enjoy. ^ ^
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Mon Jan 19, 2009 5:56 pm Post subject: |
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Much as I hate to agree with Purps  he does have a valid point.
If you don't make the story readable, people won't read it! Hence you won't have achieved your aim!
I got to about the third paragraph before giving up myself. The spelling is random, the formatting is wonky and I could only vaguely follow what's going on.
Presenting your story in an acceptable fashion is the first hurdle to getting people to read it.
(The next hurdle is making it an interesting story!)
I don't wish to sound harsh or put you off here, just pointing out some facts.
Keep going! 
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My Amazon page.
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silvermist
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| Posted: Mon Jan 19, 2009 6:19 pm Post subject: |
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no one said that tp didnt have a point.
and its always this and that. if it aint the format its this and that. im not mad , i just want to hear a positive comment from what ive seen alot of people have read this story , not that i know they read the whole thing. sure thx for helping out pointing out this and that for us thx. but to be honest i dont like critics just tell us something 1 time and we will work on it. we dont need to hear it from 2 and 3 and 4 people. so thx alot have a nice day^ ^
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sungmeena
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Joined: 12 Dec 2008
Topics: 1
Posts: 7
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| Posted: Mon Jan 19, 2009 6:28 pm Post subject: |
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i agree with silver , but critics are not always critics ... their .. helpful advisers i guess.
and i agree with chin. but TP already told them about the stuff they need to work on let them be... and no one likes critics but we all can use some help in small parts.
(to TP and chin) dont make things such a big deal when its really not.
now im not a professional but dont act like your better,... you probaly are... but dont act that way.... y'noe what i mean. keep up the good work snow , and silver.
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