 |
 |
 |
 |
|
| Author |
Message |
sungmeena
Visitor
Joined: 12 Dec 2008
Topics: 1
Posts: 7
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
 Posted: Fri Dec 12, 2008 7:18 pm Post subject: The clan |
 |
|
CHAPTER 1
far beyond the forest ... a little tribe of warriors... the clan leader.... silvermist....... and her clan...
clan deputy - sungmeena
clan warriors - xuangwa , adanze , neiny , edward , alohonse , david.
they all must fight against the cold winter... but against there enimies ... in the outskirts of the forest.
" may have some of your drink?" asked xuangwa . " huh, .. what?" responded
david.
after drinking some of his drink... " i said may i have some of your drink?" xuangwa asked again. daivd looked up at her gazing in her eyes ... and her body.... xuangwa had short brown hair cute black eyes. and brown combat boots .. with a black jacket.. and black pants.. with a brown shirt. " oh sure.. take the rest if you want"
david said uneasy. " ehh emm" the clan leader.. cleared her throat to get her clan's attention.. every body fell silent and turned to silvermist... she had dark blue eyes.. long black and brown hair.. with a leather suit on. with leather boots.. usally what you call a foxy mamma.
after everybody turned. they greeted her and got down on one knee in respect.
" yes silvermist" every one said in unison.
" i sense there is enimies in our territory. and that there will be another loss of life in our clan im afraid.. that that loss might be my life..." silvermist.. said calmly to the rest of the clan. everyone's eyes clouded with fear.
" NO , SILVERMIST... it is my honor to give my life for you!" alphonse said standing up ... the clan deputy.. sungmeena stood up.. and slapped him.. till he apologized..
" this is not your destiny alphonse." adanze said.. softly looking down.
" AND ITS NOT YOUR TURN TO SPEAK.. ADANZE!" sungmeena yelled at adanze and silvermist gave sungmeena a glance .. for sungmeena to finish her speech.
" listen... everyone.. we will have to sattle up and leave.. for the protection of silvermist" neiny .. stood up and gave a respectful bow and walked into the forest.
" neiny come back!" edward yelled and stood up and hurried after her.
" your not going anywhere and neither is she!" sungmeena yelled.
sungmeena grabbed her rope from her side and made a circle and shot it out at neiny and pulled her back.
" let go of me..!! i can leave when i am good and ready!" neiny squirmed and cried. " you will leave when I say you are good and ready!" sungmeena spat back.
" ehh emmm" silvermist raised her voice.
" i dont have the patience.... to fooling around with my clan.. if my death does not mean anything to you. then sure that's fine.. that is none if my concern... im just making sure you dont come to yours in the next couple of weeks" silvermist turned and went back into her hut.
" ya see . if you guys shut up listen maybe our clan leader would not hate us" xuangwa said.
" she does not hate us.. she is just frustatrated. " adanze said.
neiny left again.. and edward followed her out..
" what is her deal?" alphonse said.. watching them leave.
" she is probaly. just sad about silvermist...." david said.
" or maybe she is just scared that if silvermist does not die.. it might be her."
sungmeena said.. giving david a mean icy cold glance. and went into silvermist hut.
the rest of the clan warriors. sat back down and talked about stuff that was more like gossip.. and listened to silvermist and sungmeena's conversation.[/i][/b][/list]
Last edited by sungmeena on Sat Dec 13, 2008 10:47 am; edited 1 time in total
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
DeadManWalking
Duke of the Mostly Dead
Joined: 24 May 2006
Topics: 30
Posts: 1005
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Fri Dec 12, 2008 9:14 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Not bad.
Just remember to capitalize.
And also, try separating some of the big chunks into smaller paragraphs.
But besides the formatting stuff, this looks kinda interesting.
I'm curious to learn more about the clan these people are fighting for.
And since there's guns (in the second chapter), It's probably either futuristic, or parallel reality, which is usually kinda interesting.
_________________
When the dead walk, the living run.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
The White Blacksmith
Elder
Joined: 02 Apr 2006
Topics: 15
Posts: 2629
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sat Dec 13, 2008 11:15 am Post subject: Re: The clan |
|
|
| sungmeena wrote: |
CHAPTER 1
On the far outskirts of the forest, Silvermist lead her little band of warriors through the trees. They were a small clan - only 8 in number - with sungmeena as Silvermist's deputy and the rest - Xuangwa, Adanze, Neiny, Edward Alphonse and David - as warriors. They all fought not only against the cold winter, but also against their enemies, here on the outskirts of the forest.
"May I have some of your drink, David?" asked Xuangwa, as she sat next to him.
"Huh? What did you say?" responded David, as he took another gulp.
"I asked if I could have some of your drink." Xuangwa asked again. David looked up at her. He gazed into her cute black eyes, and took in her slim body. Xuangwa was wearing brown combat boots, a black jacket, black pants and a brown shirt. Her short brown hair was cut short for convenience.
"Oh sure... take the rest if you want" David said uneasily. They were interuptted by a loud 'Ehh emm...' as Silvermist cleared her throat to get the clan's attention.
Everybody fell silent and turned to Silvermist. She had dark blue eyes, long black and brown hair and a leather suit, with leather boots. What you might call a foxy mamma.
After everybody turned. they greeted her and got down on one knee in respect.
"Yes, Silvermist?" everyone said in unison.
"I sense that there are enemies in our territory, and, I'm afraid, that there may be another loss of life in our clan... that that loss might be my life..." Silvermist said calmly to the rest of the clan. Everyone's eyes clouded with fear.
" No, Silvermist! If anyone dies, it would be my honour to give up my life for yours!" Alphonse said standing up. The clan deputy, Sungmeena stood up and slapped him so he apologized.
" If it is destiny, it is not yours Alphonse." Adanze said, softly looking up at his friend.
"And it's not your turn to speak, Adanze!" Sungmeena yelled at Adanze and Silvermist gave Sungmeena a glance for everyone to let Silvermist finish her speech. However, before she had a chance to talk, Neiny stood up.
"Listen... everyone... If that is the case, we will have to sadle up and leave for our own protection." She gave a respectful bow and walked into the forest.
"Neiny! Come back!" Edward yelled. He stood up and hurried after her.
"You're not going anywhere, and neither is she." Sungmeena ordered. She grabbed her rope from her side and lassoed Neiny, pulling her back.
"Let go of me!! I can leave when I want to!" Neiny squirmed and cried.
"You will leave when I say you can!" Sungmeena spat back.
"Ehh emmm" Silvermist raised her voice.
"I don't have the patience for your fooling around. If my death means that little to you then I'm sure that's fine. It is none if my concern, but I'm just trying to make sure you don't come to yours in the next couple of weeks." Silvermist turned and went back into her hut.
"Ya see? If you guys had shut up and listened maybe our clan leader would not hate us." Xuangwa said.
"She doesn't hate us... She is just frustrated." Adanze said.
Neiny left again, and Edward followed her out.
"What's her deal?" Alphonse said, watching them leave.
"She is probably just sad about Silvermist." David suggested.
"Or maybe she is scared that if Silvermist does not die it might be her."
Sungmeena said. She gave David a mean, icy cold glare and went into Silvermist's hut.
The remaining clan warriors sat back down and pretended to gossip, while they were actually sneaking closer and closer to the hut to listen to Silvermist and Sungmeena's conversation. |
There you go, one edit. It's not perfect, but hopefully it's better.
_________________
Tea Cures All.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Head Eater
Resident
Joined: 20 May 2007
Topics: 1
Posts: 62
Location: Hovering above your sssssskull
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sat Dec 13, 2008 3:03 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Note from the Head Eater:
Chapter 2 from Sungmeena posted below.
Original topic with responses can be found Here 
After .. neiny and edward came back to the camp.... they sat some distance away from the rest of the clan.
" neiny, can you come here for a second" sungmeena called from silvermist hut.
edward looked up at neiny. with troubled eyes. neiny, gave him a reassuring look.
then walked into the hut..
she bowed down respectfully to silvermist.
" yes silvermist, you needed to talk to me , is there something wrong?"
neiny said as she got down on one knee.
" actually yes . neiny there is. it seems that the loss of life in this clan.....
will be yours."
silvermist said coldy but with a low deep voice and soft.
" WHAT.... how could this possibly be. it was supposed to be your life taken not mine!" neiny spoke raising her voice standing back up and both feet outraged.
" IS IT THAT YOU WANT SILVERMIST'S LIFE GONE. YOU SHOULD BE GLAD ITS NOT HER LIFE!"
sungmeena spat back.
" oh cry me a river... i rather live than give up my life to my leader who is nothing close to being full of wisdom. cause i know i am not just gonna up and die out of no where."
neiny responded.
sungmeena groaned and moaned making a angry face. and about to slap neiny.
" ehh emmm" silvermist cleared her throat again.. to get there attention.
" i am sorry neiny. you have fought well in this life and have probaly done many good things but... this life is over for you." silvermist said softly. and calmly
" HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THAT I HAVE SAVED YOUR LIFE MORE THAN ONCE ALREADY!" neiny outbursted. with fury. she raised her voice louder than the first time
" I HAVE BEEN DEDICATED TO THIS CLAN MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE!"
neiny said as she bald up her fist.
" NO, neiny you have not been dedicated to this clan. i know all your secrets.
i know that when i almost lost a life due to the fact .. that we were attacked by enimies on the outskirts of this forest. i know that you were involved. i sensed it easily. but you felt the need to save me. i think that is why you are the one chosen to lose your life. and if you dont lose your life i will kill you myself if i must.
and if you would... - just go."
silvermist dismissed neiny and turned away. neiny could not believe what she was hearing. she was not going to let her own leader kill her if she really meant what she said.
" hey neiny how did it go?" adanze asked
" just leave me alone." neiny said coldy not even looking at adanze as she walked out of the hut and back to her distant spot in the camp.
" why does she always have a problem?" adanze asked. watching her.
" oh. neiny .. me and her go way back. " xuangwa responded.
" well ya see. ever since neiny was a little girl she has been defending her self.
her parents left her or were killed. i dont remember. but she has a wild attitude about that.
we met while she was stealing some food to eat.. i saw her.. grabbing it with caution.. but the seller .. caught and slapped her down.. i would die of embarrassment like that. so i ran to her and i paid for it for her. and the seller gave me one for free just to show he was sorry. and we have been hanging out ever since."
xuangwa told the story while every one anxious to hear about it. sungmeena listened from the hut.
after xuangwa finished talking sungmeena walked out. david , alphonse , edward ,xuangwa , and adanze. bowed respectfully. and went back to there circle of conversation.
" i hear footsteps ... get your guns." sungmeena ordered.
the clan followed her orders. and raced to protect the border of the camp before the enemy came intruding in on their part of the forest.
"SILVERMIST, COME ON WE GOT COMPANY!" sungmeena yelled with her sword and gun in hand.[/quote]
_________________
Heads.
Last edited by Head Eater on Sat Dec 13, 2008 3:06 pm; edited 1 time in total
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Head Eater
Resident
Joined: 20 May 2007
Topics: 1
Posts: 62
Location: Hovering above your sssssskull
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sat Dec 13, 2008 3:05 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Note from the Head Eater:
Chapter 3 from Sungmeena posted below
Original topic with responses can be found Here
The clan with their knifes and guns and swords.. ready at their battle stations.
neiny still troubled about her life being the clans loss .... like a sacrifice.
neiny stood father away from where she thought the enemy's would attack, just for extra caution if it was her life that was going to be taken.
" shhhh! be quiet here they come!" xuangwa said loudly to the clan.
" hold up your guns now. do it now right now!" sungmeena cried.
" IF WE WANT TO PROTECT OUR LEADER... THEN SHOOT"
sungmeena urged the warriors to fire.
" on my count.... 1...... 2........ fire!" adanze. said. and as she counted
and on fire they shot.... bullets went to the forest. and they held up their swords.
then a small figure was in the sky coming down towards them.... it was the
" nian ninja's " one of the most skilled enemy's they would ever have but not the worst.
edward jumped up in the sky and started to fight the ninja.
"SLASH, SLISH . SLASH , SLASH" the two went as they fought.. the sounds of their swords hitting each other.
another ninja came running up ... to neiny.
" neiny look out!" alphonse cried as he raced toward her for her protection.
alphonse took out his gun. and started shooting at him.
" boom boom boom" his big gun went as he shot the ninja.
the ninja fell down first on his knees then on his back.
" alphonse... i..... i can defend for myself!" neiny protested.
" no time to.... argue." alphonse said as he was fighting already another ninja.
adanze, sheilding silvermist as much as she could.
" boom ... slish slash" her gun and sword went.
a gun in one hand and a sword in the other....
" this is not your territory! leave." sungmeena said as she was fighting the ninja's leader.
" dont give me that.... we only came for your leader. " the ninja replied.
" i heard she was the most wisest , skilled fighter. in this territory.... we need her for out clan." the ninja leader said as he fought harder.
" sorry.. she's taken " sungmeena said .. as she gave one last swing ... of her sword.
adanze held up her gun......
aimed it at the leader.. .... " boom"
adanze shot a perfect shot.. and the leader... held his side.. as it ached with pain.
" LETS GO!" the clan leader called to his clan.. and the ninja's left before the job was done. they ran out of the clan's territory and back into the forest.
the only trace of them being left. was blood on the ground and 2 or 3 ninja's dead.
" is silvermist alright?" sungmeena asked.
" yes she's fine. " adanze replied as she moved out of sungmeen's way so she could enter the hut.
" hey what the heck happened here?" david. asked...
" we ... you... where were you?" edward asked..
" oh i had to use the restroom so i went into the forest and did my buissness." david answered.
" well david .. we were attacked by the nian ninja's " adanze said.
" is silvermist alright?" daivd asked...
" yes she is." adanze replied and took a seat.. and eat some bread.
the rest of the clan sat somewhere or put the dead body's somewhere out in the forest.. or if not that then.... talked to sungmeena about silvermist.
_________________
Heads.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Head Eater
Resident
Joined: 20 May 2007
Topics: 1
Posts: 62
Location: Hovering above your sssssskull
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sat Dec 13, 2008 3:15 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hey there Sungmeena, and welcome to IF.
I've collated all your chapters into this topic, so that readers don't get confused where to go.
When you post your next chapter, just press the Reply button at the bottom of the last post in this topic.
If you are planning on making this story into a Storygame, where your readers can roleplay your lead character, check out the guidelines on how to author a Storygame Here.
If you are just writing a Linear story, (non-interactive) just send me a quick PM and I'll move it to the Linear Forum.
_________________
Heads.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Midnight
Citizen
Joined: 30 Sep 2008
Topics: 7
Posts: 300
Location: Lurking under the shadows, waiting for the moment.
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Tue Jan 20, 2009 2:04 am Post subject: |
|
|
I like your story. Looks interesting. 
But I agree with the others, you just need to edit a few things out then your set. But I'm not going to go through the whole thing. I'm not much of an editor. lol The only thing I can say is, just start capitalizing. That was all that really got annoying to me.
Other than that, I find it very interesting. Keep it up.
_________________
I would not exist if it twas day, so therefore I do not wish for light.
I want the dark, I want the night.
For my name is MIDNIGHT!
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
