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crazybookgal
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 Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 4:21 am Post subject: Brandi's Story Chapter 6 Part 2 |
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“I think your GPS is busted”
Brandi glanced at her best friend, “What do you mean?”
“It says to go straight, but that’s not possible” Brandi looked ahead and saw that she was right. The road turned left and right, but straight ahead was a line of tall pine trees. She banged the wheel of her car in frustration.
“Kara we don’t have time for this! You know how much is on the line. Have you tried recalculating?”
“Only about a million times!”
“Maybe you should check the advertisement again?” suggested Brandi.
Kara studied the newspaper clipping, and then the address on the screen, “This is the same address. Besides, right where the road ends the map ends too” Brandi glanced at the GPS screen, and sure enough, right about the place the tree line was, the map was a blank gray.
Brandi was close to tears. They needed this job. No other job offered that much money. This was their last chance.
Last chance. The phrase echoed in her inner ear as something flickered in Brandi’s brain. Maybe it was a memory, a dream, or raw instinct. The important thing was Brandi knew what to do.
The world seemed to slow down instead of speeding up, as one would expect it to, as she hit the gas. She could see the line of trees drawing dangerously close, and she could hear Kara’s panicked voice.
“Brandi? BRANDI!” Brandi squeezed her eyes shut, fully expecting to crass into thick pine trunks, but the moment never came.
She opened her eyes and gasped. Spread before two girls was a landscape made entirely out of grass.
About three inches high, the stuff seemed to go on forever, in all directions. The line of trees were nowhere to be seen. It was a lush, bunny-rabbit dreamland.
As Brandi and Kara gaped at the sudden change of scenery the GPS chimed, “You have arrived at your destination”
“Destination?” squeaked Kara, then getting louder said, “DESTINATION? What kind of destination is this? Oh Brandi what did you do?”
“It worked”, this was the only answer Brandi could come up with.
“IT WORKED?!”she cried, getting hysterical now “What worked? I don’t understand! I DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Brandi grabbed her by the shoulders, “I don’t understand it either okay, but…” Kara wasn’t listening.
“All I wanted to do is help Jenna! Now how am I going to do that? Now she’s…”
“Kara”
“…terrible person. I don’t deserve…”
“Kara!”
“…failed everyone. I failed…”
“KARA!”
“FAILURE! FAILURE! FAILURE!”
Brandi slapped her across the face. Kara shut up-shocked.
“Sorry, but you were scaring me”, apologized Brandi.
“No I needed to get a grip”, Kara assured her, “Maybe we can just back up”
“Huh?”
“To get back”
“Oh-yeah”, Brandi felt disappointed that they hadn’t been able to find what they were looking for. She put the car in reverse, and backed up.
No results.
“We could just start driving”, suggested Kara.
“Which way? I don’t have that much gas, mind you”
They both sat back to think. Brandi thought about the article that had brought them here. The advertisement had read, “5,000 per month-no experience needed-adolescents preferred” They had been wary of the article’s curious nature, but the young woman figured they could take care of themselves.
Suddenly, Kara’s eyes widened. She jumped up and pointed off to the right.
“Look a sign!” At first Brandi thought Kara was hallucinating, but then she saw it, too. It was perched on a hill, too far away to read.
Brandi started up the car, and they drove toward the only man-made thing in a world seemingly made of grass. Halfway up the hill the car sputtered to a stop. Brandi quickly put it in park.
“I guess we walk from here”, breathed Kara.
“Yep”, said Brandi, hopping out of the car onto the spongy grass. Kara followed suit. They hiked up the rest of the hill, until they came to the sign. It was a green that had showed a lot of wear and tear. In white letters it read:
Welcome to Greensdale
Population
20
“Greensdale? I don’t see a…”Brandi stopped in her tracks. On the other side of the hill was a small town.
It was one of those where apartments were on top of the shops. There was a grocery, a bakery, and other shops. On the other side of the street was more modern apartments. At the end of the little town was a big metal building. There was a sign on it that listed the companies inside.
City Hall
Mayor’s Office
Police Force
Coyote Co.
Coyote Company? What is that?, thought Brandi.
“Well are we going or not?”prompted Kara curling a strand of cherry-red hair
around her finger.
“We should watch the…” , Brandi turned around to an empty field, “…car” The tire tracks were there, but no car.
“To the town then”, chirped Kara trying to lighten the mood. So the two girls set off down the hill.
What they didn’t see was the sign changing, so it now read.
Welcome to Greensdale
Population
22
Okay it's kind of short and has a lot of dialogue, but here you go- the first chapter. And the DP is simply: What do they do now? What happens next? What should they do in Greensdale?
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Last edited by crazybookgal on Sun Jun 19, 2011 4:42 am; edited 18 times in total
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 5:13 am Post subject: |
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Well, this is an intriguing one. And who's Jenna, I wonder? Why have they gone for this job advert? What does Brandi mean by 'It worked?' - questions that are sure to be answered in due course, I hope.
The Coyote Co. stood out for me, too. Perhaps it is because it is the only one that doesn't sound 'official'. But can it (whatever it is) be trusted?
It's a very small population for a town that sports a big metal building containing a city hall, mayors office and its own police force.
My suggestion would be to not go to the big metal building yet. Let's find out a little more about the town from the 20 'locals'.
Good start! 
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 8:43 am Post subject: |
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I really liked this  I'd ask for a little character description woven in there and I was trying at first to figure out which one was losing it there in the car. Was that some sort of supernatural-like trance?
Yeah, and company that has the name Coyote might be less than safe. But surely that's where we're s'posed to be. I guess we'd best not be late for the interview but if we felt we had time I'd like to check in with the Police to make sure we aren't operating under any unusual laws we should know about.
BTW, when you said 'putting it in reverse' didn't work... did you mean that they couldn't cross back over again? Eeek. Where are we going to rent a new place here? And... gasp... we've left our computer back home!!!! NOOOOOOO!
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 CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...  
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Smee
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| Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 8:57 am Post subject: |
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Welcome to the Fantasy Forest* CBG
As the others have said, a most intriguing start. I thought the beginning was very well done. The description and dialogue wove together well and it all seemed very believable.
A 'Potter' station 9 3/4's type-event was fun too, I especially liked the 'You have arrived at your destination". 
After that I thought you perhaps rushed a little to the end of the chapter. They accepted the car stopping, the low populated village, even the car vanishing all very easily, but maybe that can be explained by shock.
You described the office at the end as a 'big metal building'... that conjures the image of something solid and daunting, like a prison or something equally imposing. Is it so intimidating a building, or is it more like a modern office block, a combination of metal and glass that can actually look quite pleasant whilst also appearing official?
Seems like there's a lot going on in that metal building, although I'm surprised they could read such a sign all the way at the end of town - it must be a very big sign 
If the job advert went out all over the place, then the 20 population might simply be other would-be applicants. So it wouldn't surprise me to find quite a few other confused, and lost 'adolescents' wandering around too. I would have a look around for such others.
Happy Writing
*The best place to be of course!
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 10:35 am Post subject: |
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I'm glad u liked it i appreciate ur comments(a cheesy line, I know, but i really do!)
Anyway the metal building is supposed to kind of stand out from the old-fashioned town. Its origins will be explained next chapter
oh and Thunderbird i like the unusual laws idea!!! i could have fun with that...
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Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 11:07 am Post subject: |
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I agree with the others, 'tis a very intriguing beginning, and I enjoyed it.
I have to say, I was surprised at their reaction to the car just disappearing. I think that, if it were me, I would have been pretty freaked out by such a thing happening, and it would certainly make me wary about entering a town that right from the off, was trying to make if difficult for me to leave.
I think they should be a little more wary of what they might discover in Greensdale, and maybe try and sneak into town to try and get a feel of the place first, and see what kind of people inhabit it.
Nice start though, CBG! Look forward to reading chapter two!
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kkdestiny
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| Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 12:47 pm Post subject: |
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Freeeaky town >>
and what's bad, therer are apartments on top of shops where I live XD
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Note to self: The Elven Moon; Coin; SVI; Black Animals; Two Wolves; Angel Cat
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Masterweaver
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| Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 12:50 pm Post subject: |
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I say, don't go to Greensdale at all. It's obviously magic. I obviously has its own rules.Walk away, try to find other places.
But if we have to go to Greensdale, we should check to see if our money works. Go to the store. If it's not accepted, get a job.
Actually, maybe you could split up the pair! Yeah! Like, most popular option Brandi goes, second most popular Jenna goes!
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 2:12 pm Post subject: |
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tsk tsk masterweaver, voting to kill off Jenna before you even know her position in the story or maybe when u say Jenna, u mean Kara? in any event Jenna is probaly not going to have a prominent place in the story.
But of course you never know 
MUHAHAHAHAHAHA
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Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
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Masterweaver
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| Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 2:32 pm Post subject: |
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| ...Who is Kara? I didn't see any Kara...
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 2:47 pm Post subject: |
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r u messin with me??? it's Brandi's friend- the one who got hysterical? Someone help me out here
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| Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 2:54 pm Post subject: |
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The dialogue confusion could be helped by throwing in a "said Brandi" every now and then- even if there are only two people talking back and forth, it helps to re-declare to the reader who is talking. Otherwise, the eye easily gets lost and we forget who is actually talking.
Considering the nice pacing of the opening, I felt the ending section was very rushed. We had so much detail with the car scene, it felt like the two approaching Greensburg was rushed.
That being said... I say wait on the big, metal building. I'm more curious about the apartment building, or perhaps the grocerty store- or one of the other stores nearby. Until they get hired, they're tourists- they should take advantage of that.
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 4:10 pm Post subject: |
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oh btw Smee, they accepted the car stopping because they knew they had very little gas left:
| Quote: | | “Which way? I don’t have that much gas, mind you” |
therefore they weren't very shocked at that one. though i do agree perhaps a car disappearing probaly should have gotten a more dramatic reaction. Maybe Kara was to weary from her first outburst.
Again thx 4 the comments
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Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
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Smee
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| Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 11:12 pm Post subject: |
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You're right, the car disappearing was a bigger issue, but to explain what I meant.
Yes I saw the part about being low on petrol. She wasn't kidding when she didn't have much... it must have been all but empty as they went through the 'magic trees' if it ran out so quickly.
"I guess we walk from here."
Again - it just seems a very calm reaction. I agree they might not have been shocked at the car stopping, but shock isn't the only emotion. There's anger, annoyance, irritation, frustration, all of which still fit even when expecting it.
e.g.
As the car shuddered to a halt Brandi thumped the steering wheel.
"Damn, and crap. So close!"
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Mon Oct 18, 2010 3:50 am Post subject: |
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ah i see!!!! thx smee ill work on my emotions
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Mon Oct 18, 2010 5:50 pm Post subject: |
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k i hope this isnt too early to put up a poll...
Merry Voting
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Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
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| Posted: Mon Oct 18, 2010 11:12 pm Post subject: |
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So no option for finding other people here for the job?
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| Posted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 3:52 am Post subject: |
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LOOK! A TIE!!!!!!!!!!!
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Ingrothechundyer
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| Posted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 1:20 pm Post subject: |
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| Thunderbird wrote: | Sheesh! Doesn't ANYONE else feel like its important to be on time for our interview?  |
Personally I would be more worried about it if I know that it was close to the time. IMO a police report can make for a decent excuse for being late since the person doing the interview should (hopefully) sympathize with us being stranded.
| Vishal Muralidharan wrote: | | LOOK! A TIE!!!!!!!!!!! |
And three ways at that
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Last edited by Ingrothechundyer on Wed May 25, 2011 7:18 am; edited 1 time in total
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Thu Oct 21, 2010 7:51 am Post subject: |
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Looks like the tie is broken and guess what... Another poll goes into double figures! Well done CBG! 
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Fri Oct 22, 2010 3:27 am Post subject: |
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Visit the shops and chat up the locals.
30% [ 3 ]
Enter the town secretly
0% [ 0 ]
Swing over to the police station(our car got stolen remember?)
30% [ 3 ]
Go to the advertisement address
40% [ 4 ]
Total Votes : 10
And the winner is *dramatic pause* Go to the advertisement address!!!!
Thanks for voting guys I'll try to get the chapter up by Monday
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It does not matter how many breaths you take, but how many moments take your breath away.
Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Mon Oct 25, 2010 5:40 pm Post subject: |
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Chapter 2
As Brandi swished through the soft grass that grew so abundantly in this world, she assessed the situation.
Kara and she were lost in a world full of grass, with a strange town-so small it shouldn’t even be called a town, without a car, and about ten bucks between them.
Brandi’s heart quickened as she thought about this. What if she never saw her dad, or her brother again? In a moment of panic, she even found herself worrying over her mom.
Brandi slowly shook her head, clearing her head. She wrinkled her nose at the thought of her mother. The two always argued. She and her mother never seemed to agree on anything. Brandi smiled faintly, for her thoughts had led her to how she and Kara had met.
Brandi had just had a nasty spat with her mom, Mandy Chandler, and the raging teen had run away. She ended up walking through a cemetery. In that cemetery, Brandi had found Kara kneeling at a weathered gravestone.
Kara’s mother had died when she was twelve years old. Every time she looked in the mirror, she saw her mom’s hazel eyes and blond hair. So, she dyed it a cherry red, and has been dying it for almost 4 years.
When Brandi looked at Kara that day, she saw someone broken and alone, and her heart went out to Kara. So, they became friends, and Brandi took care of Kara. Soon the peppy girl showed her true nature, as someone who loved life and puppies.
Now, Brandi stole a look at Kara. Her friend was oddly quiet. Kara wrung her hands nervously as she walked. Brandi looked at her friend.
“What do you think happened to the car?” Brandi asked to start some conversation.
Kara bit her lip, “The car? The car is right over that hill, and we can get it and drive out of here” She’s in denial.
“Kara, have you taken your medication today?” Kara rolled her eyes and grinned. Brandi relaxed. She had calmed her down.
The bouncy redhead cocked her head, “What do we do now? Go to the job address?”
“Do you still have the advertisement?” asked Brandi excitedly.
“Yup”, confirmed Kara. Brandi jumped up, and hugged her tightly.
“At least today won’t be a total loss!”As she hugged Kara, though, a small voice whispered, What if the address isn’t here? The thought hadn’t seemed to occur to Kara, so Brandi pushed the thought away.
The town seemed empty. No one was out and about. It gave Brandi the chills. Kara, however, was too preoccupied by her task to notice the spooky emptiness.
Kara turned her head from side to side as she looked for the address, “1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8…” They stopped.
There stood the metal building, tall, windowless, and daunting.
“#9 Willow Street”, said Kara in a shaky voice. Then she went pale.
“What? What is it Kara?” Kara shoved the advertisement at me.
9 Willow Street
Greensdale Sector
Brandi gulped, “D-did it say that before?”
“I-I don’t know”
“This is one creepy town” The girls walked into the building.
They blinked with surprise. The inside of the building looked like a perfectly normal office building lobby. Brandi and Kara walked across the clean white tiles to a black desk so polished; Brandi could see her brown curls reflecting in it.
“We’re here for the job interview”, said Brandi coolly to the secretary.
She was a tiny, black woman with an over-sweet smile, “Well hello. Um I don’t think there’s an interview today…wait I’m wrong-yes there is”, the secretary checked her computer.
“Ah it’s at Coyote, that’s downstairs” Brandi couldn’t move, for she was filled with dread. Kara seemed close to hyperventilating. The secretary looked annoyed.
“There’s the elevator”, she said, pointing. Brandi grabbed Kara and dragged her to the elevator, shoving her friend inside.
“Kara calm down!” said Brandi roughly.
“Sorry” apologized the redhead, “this place just gives me the creeps” Brandi nodded and hit the Lower Level button.
The elevator doors opened to a dimly lit hallway. In that hallway was a very big man, dressed in black.
“You here for the interview?” his voice thundered. The girls nodded. The man motioned with a burly arm. “Come with me”
Brandi and Kara followed the man through a series of hallways to a room, as big as an interrogation room. The girls shivered and sat down at the table in the small room. The strong man left.
The door opened again. A man with a large notepad entered the room. Sitting in the chair at the other side of the table, the man somehow extended his notepad to include a paint set, a pen, and some brushes.Brandi rubbed her eyes. Did she just see that?
“So”, said the man with an unidentifiable accent, “What brings to Coyote for a job?” He flicked a hand, and the paints and brushed started painting on the notepad. By themselves. The girls shared a look.
Brandi shook her head and answered, “We, ah, need cash” She prayed that he wouldn’t ask why.
The man continued asking them about strengths, talents, etc. Brandi revealed the self-defense classes she had taken with her mom, her clear head and quick thinking in a bad situation, her hatred of cheerleaders, and her clashes with the soccer team(resulting in fights, and being sent to the principal’s office).
Kara told about her straight-A status, her eye for details, her creativity, her love for nature, and her light steps and clear water singing voice. They both enjoyed strategy and problem solving.
All through their confessions the man hid his face behind his notepad. After a few more questions, the man turned his notepad around. On it were notes on what they had said, and a few illustrations of eyes, hair, and some indecipherable images. The man briskly left the room.
As he left the room, he muttered, “You’re hired” Before the teenagers could celebrate, they were whisked into a laboratory.
They were sat on examining tables where they had a check-up sort of examination.
Then a man in white turned to them and said, “This might hurt a bit” Before the girls knew what was happening, there was five deep scratches in their arms.
Brandi watched as blood dripped down her arm. Then, to her astonishment, the droplets formed a scene; two coyotes dipping and jumping. The man in white caught the droplets in a small tub.
“Hold this”, he said and turned his back on her. Brandi turned and saw that Kara was holding a tub also. Panic ripped through her, and an idea formed.
“Kara”, she whispered, “Trade with me”
“What”, Kara whispered back, confused.
“Just do it!” hissed Brandi. Kara did what was asked of her. The man in white took their tubs and capped them.
Whipping out a pen, the man asked, “How do you spell your names?”
“C-A-R-A”, answered Kara promptly. Brandi was impressed-it was a good idea. The doctor-like man turned to Brandi.
“B-R-A-N-D-Y”
“Very good” commended the doctor, handing them a slip of paper he added, “This is where you will stay, your parents have been notified, information is at your apartment, and you will meet your employer tomorrow” The man snapped his fingers, and they were shown out.
The brisk way the men had handled Brandi and Kara, had rushed off any emotions. Now they had them all at once. They grinned and giggled with delight at getting the job.
“I can’t believe it”, Brandi practically shouted.
”Too bad the staff isn’t that friendly”, said Kara with a grin.
“Oh yeah that doctor is a charmer”
Kara widened her eyes in mock astonishment, “He’s my fiancé, didn’t you know?”
“I’m the maid of honor?”
“Of course”
“You have to hook me up with that strong guy, though”
“Oh yes” The girls collapsed in giggles.
Brandi adopted an uncomfortable expression, “Did you see that image, with-with the blood?” Kara nodded and wrung her hands for the second time that day.
Mad at herself to have brought it up, Brandi diverted her attention, “So what now?”
So what now indeed? Sorry for pretty much the same DP. After they start their job it will get more interesting, I promise! Oh and if you think of a better title please tell me, though this one is kind of growing on me. I might stick with it.
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Mon Oct 25, 2010 8:15 pm Post subject: |
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Nice! I'm really liking this!
My only complaint was that you didn't take the time to explain the interview through dialogue. Though it might have been lengthy, it would have been intriguing. I would be hanging on every word, expecting each to be a hint of what this strange place could be. And I'm feeling like Kara is a little bit psychologically frail which doesn't endear me to the character. Still, I won't complain about the delivery. Otherwise I thought this was quite good.
As for the DP, what do we know about the job we've been hired for exactly? Maybe we should speak with some of the other... staff?
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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| Posted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 2:52 am Post subject: I think..... |
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Interesting. I like the concept, but...the whole thing seems waaaay too rushed. The almost complete lack of descriptions, like all the other buildings in toen, the interviewer, the lab. Spending a little more time through their eyes would do this story much good.
I'm very interested as to why they did the blood swap....Maybe a little recreational drug use? A better description of the cyote thing would be nice. Like I said, good story, could be better, but a good start.
I can see mand 'interesting' staff members. Maybe one, sneaking around, slipping them notes. Telling them to get out while they still can. Maybe some late night time in the lab.....unknown to them of corse! Wakeing up with wings....But that's just my mind running wild.
Good good, fun read, hope to see more!
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| Posted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 8:11 am Post subject: |
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I enjoyed the chapter and am also interested in what they can find out from the staff.
At the very least they need to make sure that they know when they need to come back or that the staff can find them with instructions on what to do.
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| Posted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 4:29 pm Post subject: |
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okay maybe i did rush it a bit, but in my defense I did want it to have a idea of confusion when they were whisking the girls to the different rooms.
As for the blood swap my reasoning is:
Would you like these creepy people to have your blood sample? Brandi wanted them to have a bit of an alias.
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Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
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| Posted: Wed Oct 27, 2010 2:49 pm Post subject: |
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I agree that the interview process was a little rushed. You have a number of faceless characters here - don't be afraid to inject some dialogue and body language to bring them to life. Even if you don't describe them physically in great detail, their actions and their words will give each of them an identity and add to the atmosphere of your scene.
For the DP I think that swapping the samples and mis-spelling their own names is about all they can do for now. To make sure their new 'employer' does not suspect anything they need to do as they're told for now, and go to their new apartment. Perhaps the instructions that await them will reveal a little more about what they're getting themselves into.
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Wed Oct 27, 2010 3:27 pm Post subject: |
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I agree with the others, good concept, but needs to slow down, and have a little more description. You needn't worry too much about the length. Some of my chapters for SparkleSteps have been epic, though I wouldn't recommend that either, as it's a bit much for readers to get through. But an extra couple of hundred words to give your readers a clearer picture of what they're reading about won't hurt. Despite this, it's still very good.
As for the dp, I agree with Crunchy. Go look for an apartment, and settle down for the night. Don't want to be left outside at night in this creepy town.
Looking forward to chapter 3!
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| Posted: Fri Oct 29, 2010 11:52 am Post subject: |
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Psssst! Brandi's Story is polling!
Voted!
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| Posted: Fri Oct 29, 2010 1:25 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for the heads up Crunchy.
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| Posted: Mon Nov 01, 2010 3:25 am Post subject: |
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Sorry forgot to tell u guys bout the poll.
It's gonna close tonight so get your votes in!!!!!!
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Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
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| Posted: Mon Nov 01, 2010 3:54 am Post subject: |
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s'okay!
We still have a good poll there!! We have enough votes to get the story going, and that's what we want right?!
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| Posted: Mon Nov 01, 2010 3:00 pm Post subject: |
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Go back to their apartment
42%
[ 3 ]
Check out the staff-see what they know
57%
[ 4 ]
Total Votes : 7
Thanks for voting!!!
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Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
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| Posted: Thu Nov 11, 2010 11:19 am Post subject: chapter 3 |
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Chapter 3
“Uh…go for a walk?”Kara suggested. Brandi agreed.
The girls walked on the cobblestone street as they looked at the scenery. The houses on one side of the street were old, red-brick apartments, with thread-bare awnings over the stores. On the other side there were modern apartments with clean and tidy lawns. Only one of these were different from the others.
It had a small sign above the door that read-Mike and Jim’s Carpentry Express. Also there were two lawn chairs out front, occupied by two men.
One had sandy-blond hair and lots of freckles. The other’s hair was brown, and he had a neatly trimmed beard. Both had the builds of lumberjacks.
“Hey there!” called the blond in an Australian accent. The girls stopped.
“Um…hi”, said Kara. They looked curiously at the men.
“Are you the new recruits?” said the Australian jovially. The second man looked interested.
“Yeah, how did you know that?” asked Brandi.
The brown-haired man answered, “News travels fast in Coyote”
“So you work there, too?” asked Kara.
“Yea mate, we do” this was the Australian.
Looking thoughtful the brown-haired one said, “Look here you two, Mike and I are probably the most tolerant of all the staff, so we don’t mind so much asking questions. The others, however, won’t take too kindly to inquisitions. You hear me?”
The girls nodded, and Brandi asked, “About the staff, uh…Jim is it?...well how is there 20 people and a police force, and this big company?”
“Ah”, said Jim, “You see a lot of people come in from out of town. You know other worlds. This one’s quite small you know”
Kara wrung her hands, her eyes wide. Brandi just bit her lip. It’s all so very new…
Jim hadn’t noticed their discomfort and continued, “You see Greensdale has a history. It used to be called Sevian. It was a small kingdom, but a well ruled one. They followed a version of feudalism. Anyway, Madeir, a neighboring world, was a little bigger than Sevian so they decided to conquer it.
“A huge war ensued, ending in a clumsy man accidentally setting off a warping charm. The charm expanded for miles, engulfing everything and everyone in its path. Anything in its range vanished. Well, actually, the grass was still there.
“The survivors were the McGregors, they’re dead now, Kate and her little boy, Nathaniel, Basil (he’s the mayor now, the Suami’s, and Papi with his great-niece. They gathered in the empty space and made a settlement. They struggled though. Food was scarce, as well as the seeds needed to grow it. Nobody had the talents to leave, so they were stuck”
“Wait”, said Kara, “What happened to the warped people?”
“Nobody knows mate”, grunted Mike, “Never came back”
Jim continued, “Then Coyote came and offered them a deal. They would make them a proper town with a whole different governing system; provide them with food and goods, if they would let Coyote use half the town for their own devices.
“The people of Sevian agreed. They enjoyed this older style of town, with the cobblestones and such, accepted the weird ‘democracy’ that was introduced, and didn’t mind the apartments and headquarters the company erected. They like that it was renamed, for, Sevian reminded them of what they had lost. They are still a bit wary of Coyote, though”
“How do you know all this?” questioned Kara.
“We’re good friends with one of them”, said Jim secretively.
“But what is Coyote all about anyway? What do you guys do, and what’s planned for us?”
“That’s classified”, answered Jim, “The employees don’t know what it’s all about, and they can’t tell each other so they can’t piece it together”
Brandi narrowed her eyes, “That’s kind of suspicious”
Mike shrugged, “Hey if we knew the exact motives of the company, if someone captured us, we would be safe if questioned”
Kara struggled to stay calm, “W-why would we be k-kidnapped?”
Jim ignored the question, “Usually only two people are put on a job, maybe three, but rarely more. The system is effective, and barely anyone gets taken” Mike looked at the sky.
“Well girls it’s getting late, and we have work to do”, he and Jim got up and left.
Brandi sighed. So many unanswered questions. The sun was dipping behind the horizon, turning blue to black with the colorful tapestry of dusk. She sighed as the cool breeze brushed her cheek. Time to go to their apartment.
“Kara we should goi-Kara?” Kara was staring into space, eyes wide.
“D-d-don’t you see it?” she stuttered.
“Um…no. Look, Kara, if this is a joke it’s not very…”
Kara cut her off, tears forming on her cheeks, “I’m serious Brandi! I know you think I always was a bit unstable since my mom died, and you are right, but I’m not hallucinating right now. I hear you, but I can’t see you. Greensdale is gone, and it’s so weird…oh Brandi I’m scared!”
Brandi reached out to Kara. She was shocked that Kara had mentioned her mother, and guilty because it’s true-Kara does sometimes seem like she’s in a different world. A dreamer, she is.
“Kara it’s okay…” Brandi grabbed her friend’s hand. The moment she did, Brandi saw it too.
There was a large wall made out of stone. The only thing you could see was a tall tower, sporting a scarlet flag with a black raven on it. Packed dirt roads led away from it splitting and leading away in different directions.
In the distance, medieval castles and cheery villages could be seen, all showing two flags. Their own personal ones, and the raven flag.
“ It’s Sevian”
Brandi looked at Kara, “You’re right” When she looked back the scene had changed. The kingdom was in ruins. Soldiers were charging at each other. Images of war flitted faster and faster. Then a void.
A few people appeared. Attempted to make a living. Dark figures in a garden. A missing beam. Walls crumbling. Then they were back in present day Greensdale.
“What-was that?” breathed Brandi.
“Mmm I’m so tired”, Kara leaned heavily on her friend. The two girls went to their apartment and found it unlocked.
The hall was painted a pale turquoise with hardwood flooring. Through a doorway Brandi saw the stairs. As she led Kara up the stairs she couldn’t help but notice the utter bareness of the walls. At the top of the stairs, Brandi walked her friend into a purple bedroom.
The iron bed was a plum color, matching the purple flower wallpaper. Brandi lay the redhead on the bed and tucked her in. There was a purple dresser in one corner, and an iron rocking chair in the other.
A knock at the door interrupted Brandi’s examination of the room. She tripped down the stairs and opened the door. No one was there, but a sticky note was on the door. Peeling it off Brandi read it.
Get out while you can.
Brandi looked up and saw a figure move across the street. Is it the person who left the note? Should she wake up Kara? She’s so tired. Maybe she should go alone, or not at all. Brandi stood there-undecided.
--------------------
So should she go, wake up Kara, or something else? I took a lot of time on this one, so I hope it’s not too rushed. (Especially at the end there) Hope you enjoyed Chapter 3[/img]
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Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
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Last edited by crazybookgal on Thu Nov 11, 2010 3:08 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Thu Nov 11, 2010 11:50 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | As she led Kara up the stairs she couldn’t help but notice the utter bareness of the walls. At the top of the stairs, Brandi walked her friend into a purple bedroom. |
I think it might occur to her that while this apartment is much LIKE their apartment... is it the same place they left earlier that day? Wake Kara, search about for inconsistencies, get dressed and ready to leave if necessary because the note was note time/space specific enough to know if it meant 'get out of the town, get out of the house, get out of our dimension', or whatever else it could have meant.
| Quote: | | Anyway, Madeir, a neighboring world, was a little bigger than Sevian so they decided to conquer it. |
When you say 'world' here, are you meaning dimensionally neighboring, or a nearby planet? We're talking about a town, Greensdale, which used to be a small kingdom... I'm not sure how to envision a small kingdom having a neighboring world. Do you mean a bordering nation?
| Quote: | “A huge war ensued, ending in a clumsy man accidentally setting off a warping charm. Everything in range vanished. Well, actually, the grass was still there. Very few people had been out of range.
“The ones who lived were the McGregors, they’re dead now, Kate and her little boy, Basil (he’s the mayor now, the Suami’s, and Papi with his great-niece. They gathered in the empty space and made a settlement. They struggled though. Food was scarce, as well as the seeds needed to grow them. Nobody had the talents to leave, do they were stuck” |
After rereading this portion a couple of times, I think if eventually made sense what you were trying to say. I would be a bit more definitive when refering to the range of the warping charm's blast, saying something more along the lines of 'everything within miles vanished, leaving nothing behind but the land itself.'
Leave the 'Very few people' part out of the first paragraph there and simply frame the thought within the second paragraph, saying something like,
"There were few survivors of course, just those who lived on the outskirts of society, the McGregors, the Suami's, and Papi with his great-niece. The McGregors have passed away since, leaving Kate and their little boy, Basil behind. Basil's the mayor now.
These few survivors gathered where the society had been whisked away by the warping charm and tried to make something of the land that remained. They struggled though. Food was scarce, as were the seeds needed to grow crops. Nobody had the talents to leave, do they were stuck here."
This is all stated just to be helpful, trying to show some ways to organize thoughts into a more comprehendable presentation. Overall, I felt this was quite good and very enjoyable to read. Definately looking forward to learning more about this strange new world and you've hinted nicely at some plot elements surrounding Coyote Company and the vanished society that sparks a lot of curiosity to see what you have in store for us.
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Thu Nov 11, 2010 3:00 pm Post subject: |
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thanks thunder!!!
just an fwi-i see u think that the apartment in greensdale is like their apartment at home if i understand you right. what i mean by their apartment is simply the apartment they have been provided in greensdale.it doesnt have any relation to their home.
sry bout that
as for the 'WORLD' thing i mean dimension i cant remember why i didnt want to put that before.
| Quote: | | I'm not sure how to envision a small kingdom having a neighboring world. |
the dimension greensdale is incredibly tiny compared to our world's. I will get into its geography later.
| Quote: | | Kate and her little boy, Basil (he’s the mayor now, |
i messed up on this one. Basil is a seperate person.
thanks for the tips!!! i'm gonna do some editing.
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Check out my first storygame "Brandi's Story!"
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Fri Nov 12, 2010 2:34 am Post subject: |
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So now the plot thickens! Good ideas there.
A thought to take with you when the time comes for writing your next chapter - be careful of info-dump. Info-dump is where you give us so much information in one go, it effectively stalls the story while the info is being delivered.
However, although we got a lot of information from these guys, you've left some questions open here which keeps the stpry interesting. We still can't trust them, and it's clear that they're withholding information.
For the DP - I think she should go alone. If she wakes up Kara, Kara will be good for nothing, and may hinder her.
If the figure in the distance really did leave the note, then at least they'll have a potential ally in this world.
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| Posted: Fri Nov 12, 2010 3:00 am Post subject: |
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I think we should leave a note for Kara, just in case she wakes up before we return. We don't want her to be alone and scared. We might also want to look around the room and try to get a idea of what the place is like.
We also don't know where to go, or how to get out of this place, so all that is left is exploration.
Nice Chap!!
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