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D-Lotus
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 Posted: Sun May 15, 2011 12:23 pm Post subject: Prison Notebook |
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Warning: may contain adult themes, although nothing perverse.
I'm inaugurating my poetry corner, or at times damp dungeon, with a poem I wrote last night in a daze. I posted it on another thread, but then this wonderful forum appeared out of nowhere in the morning! Thus I felt the need to move it here. So, without any further explanations:
Scribbled in Mystery
The static in my mind
emits a strange buzz;
it is fading now,
but I can still taste her lips
beyond the grave.
How can I explain
the blossoms of "she's gone!"
that have wormed their way
on to the visions of exploded warmth.
Somehow the lines
that cross my heart
fit into the crevass
of her breasts,
even when they are replaced
by the rumble of the unexplored.
It is hard to gripe about tomorrow
when the sudden song is led astray
into its own underbelly
like a ripe fruit
cast into the bay.
What will I name this poem,
if I am bent on shattering it
with an icepick I acquired
from the jagged edge of creation?
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Angeal PureHeart
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| Posted: Sun May 15, 2011 2:11 pm Post subject: |
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Rather.... Sad and kinda depressing. It really bings out the emotional side. I love it! Keep writing!
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All are welcome! To read and comment on my poetry!
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D-Lotus
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| Posted: Sun May 15, 2011 2:40 pm Post subject: |
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Interesting that you should interpret it that way, Angel. Actually, I wrote it in a state of inebriation, so what I was mainly trying to communicate was my lack of clarity. The buzz, the wandering of the mind. Also, it reflected some of the things that had been coursing on that night through my head.
Now that I think of it, I could improve the poem by making it more difficult to follow; i.e. leaving thoughts unfinished, making sudden logical leaps, melding words together likethis and then leaving others far apart...
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Angeal PureHeart
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| Posted: Sun May 15, 2011 2:47 pm Post subject: |
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Indeed. That fits alotwith what I am getting from it. I understand that it may be dd what I get from it, but remember that everyone sees things differently than others. Sorry if I got the wrong thing from it... >.<
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D-Lotus
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| Posted: Sun May 15, 2011 2:56 pm Post subject: |
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There's no wrong interpretation. But make sure you back it up with details. I appreciate your input-- it made me realize how I could change the poem to make its lack of clarity more clear, hehe. 
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Sun May 15, 2011 5:22 pm Post subject: I think..... |
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Very interesting, but at the same time, very odd. I like nonsense blathered by drunken fools, so I'd leave it be. I like originals. *Grin*
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Sun May 15, 2011 8:09 pm Post subject: |
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A beautiful way of coping with loss - to see the intriguing future that awaits to fill the new void. She could have died - or simply be gone to us now. Either way, looking forward to that which may now be because that which was is now gone.
I like it.
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 CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...  
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D-Lotus
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| Posted: Sun May 15, 2011 10:00 pm Post subject: |
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Spot on, TB. I am cursing myself for not taking advantage of the opportunity. I guess in a sense I was coping with "loss", although it was nothing quite so serious. Haha. Not to worry, there will be many similar opportunities in the future.
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 Chapter 5: The Rendezvous
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| Posted: Sat May 21, 2011 6:25 pm Post subject: |
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Lean verses
Light are the scrolls
Of ancient wisdom;
Lithe the emotion
Surged from a caress;
Limber the sunrise
That dilutes the darkness.
Weightless is the motion
Of memories caught adrift,
Frothing in the twilight
Like foam upon a sea.
Slender are the stems
Of fluorescent ideation;
Sprightly the shadow
Of an unspoken dream;
Slight the white sinew
Which rolls clouds to meet.
Life at its finest
Is captured only
In lean verses.
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D-Lotus
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| Posted: Tue Jun 07, 2011 6:09 pm Post subject: Dream Satellite |
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Dream Satellite is a poem I've been working on for over two months. It speaks to humankind's eternal struggle to understand one another through a priviledged vantage point; in my poem, I represent this vantage point through a felicitous blend of dreams and space. Therefore the title, dream satellite. The idea is that the only universal-- the only constant-- in our shared human experience is our ability to dream, especially to dream together.
I have to post it as a link because the format doesn't work on IF (also I don't want any confusion about copyright).
Please please please let me know how this poem makes you feel, whether you like it, whether it sounds nice, or any niggles you may have (as well as major problems). It would mean a lot to me, as I consider "Dream Satellite" to be one of the most profound and elegant poems in my notebook. 
This poem went through a couple of re-writes before attaining its current form. Here's the previous version, which I showcased in Emperor's thread, "Musings and Meanderings". That's just in case you're interested in understanding my creative process and what changes I chose to make.
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Tue Jun 07, 2011 6:53 pm Post subject: |
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I must say, even knowing what you mean it to mean, it still means nothing to me as I read it. There's so little for me to latch onto a meaning in. And when you explain, I'm still a bit lost what you're trying to say.
That said, I still like it. It hints at a meaning and I think long meditation may come to a number of various conclusions. And this sort of art/poetry is excellent imo.
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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| Posted: Tue Jun 07, 2011 7:14 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | I must say, even knowing what you mean it to mean, it still means nothing to me as I read it. There's so little for me to latch onto a meaning in. And when you explain, I'm still a bit lost what you're trying to say. |
Thanks for being honest, though. Now-- despite the fact that you aren't able to attach any meaning to it, is there anything captivating about the way it sounds or the imagery it conveys? Meaning, after all, is less important to me than form.
To be honest, it confuses even me sometimes. But so does staring at a painting by Picasso for the first time. In your opinion, is it simply meaningless blather, or does a second reading reveal a web of relationships?
I do, of course, have my doubts about the poem, which is why I offer it up for evaluation. That is, I know it has flaws. But I'd like for you, if possible, to substantiate your comment with something concrete so that I know what the problem areas are.
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Chapter 5: The Rendezvous
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| Posted: Tue Jun 07, 2011 7:21 pm Post subject: |
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As I said, its the sort of thing that takes a lot of looking at... like that Picasso.
I could see some strings attached between certain lines indicating there WAS some purpose and a message here. And trust me when I say, it is myself I doubt more than the poem. I'm having a hard time making the connection between collective dreaming and a satellite in space, though I suppose you're saying the satellite sees us all as we all see each other in the collective dream.
The problem that twists my mind here is that a lot of thought fragments like this tends not to work too well with my ADD I think. I get off on many other directions without a clear track to follow, if that makes any sense. From the beginning I am lost trying to understand the first verse. And it doesn't unfold an understanding as I go though the last few verses do seem to start making a bit of a point. It leaves me feeling like I'm almost understanding something but I don't know what.
The imagery is there, yes, but it comes to me like flash images, many of which so unrelated. Its like saying, think of a picture of a snake, then think of a picture of a boulder, now think of a picture of a desk, now think of a bouncy ball. Anyone can TRY to derive a concept of some logical sequence and a meaning in it, but you can't feel confident that you are deriving anything akin to what the author is intending.
And yeah, I'm really not downing the poem... I'm just giving you the reflection of one who does not always grasp some poetry anyhow. 
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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D-Lotus
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| Posted: Tue Jun 07, 2011 9:18 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | The problem that twists my mind here is that a lot of thought fragments like this tends not to work too well with my ADD I think. I get off on many other directions without a clear track to follow, if that makes any sense. From the beginning I am lost trying to understand the first verse. And it doesn't unfold an understanding as I go though the last few verses do seem to start making a bit of a point. It leaves me feeling like I'm almost understanding something but I don't know what.
The imagery is there, yes, but it comes to me like flash images, many of which so unrelated. Its like saying, think of a picture of a snake, then think of a picture of a boulder, now think of a picture of a desk, now think of a bouncy ball. Anyone can TRY to derive a concept of some logical sequence and a meaning in it, but you can't feel confident that you are deriving anything akin to what the author is intending. |
That's very good. It allows me to identify some problems. I did try to keep most of the imagery related to either the human body or space/stars/atmosphere, but I am aware that a few may have slipped in that aren't totally connected (Olmec heads).
As for the unfolding of understanding, you are absolutely correct: it is flawed. I think what happened is that by the end I knew what I was doing more than in the beginning. So I'll definitely have a look at the first few stanzas and see what changes I can make to have it "unfold" better.
Thank-you. 
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HalfEmptyHero
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| Posted: Tue Jun 07, 2011 11:20 pm Post subject: |
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| In my opinion, your biggest problem is that you are trying too hard. You are far too analytical and are writing like a college student taking a poetry class. Don't think, just write. Poetry doesn't have to be perfect, nor does it have to mean anything to anyone but the writer. Just put your pen to paper and let what happens happen.
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D-Lotus
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| Posted: Wed Jun 08, 2011 11:36 am Post subject: |
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| HalfEmptyHero wrote: | | In my opinion, your biggest problem is that you are trying too hard. You are far too analytical and are writing like a college student taking a poetry class. Don't think, just write. Poetry doesn't have to be perfect, nor does it have to mean anything to anyone but the writer. Just put your pen to paper and let what happens happen. |
Thank-you, HEH, for your advice. It's true I am a college student, and also that I take poetry classes; it's also true that I am often too analytical for my own good. 
Even though analysis is the approach I try to take when explaining it-- and I only do this because otherwise people feel totally lost-- I assure you that that isn't the approach I took when writing this poem.
Truth be told, this might be a poem that simply doesn't make sense to anyone but me-- as you pointed out. And it definitely doesn't have to be perfect. It's a good thing you reminded me, as I often get lost in that ideal.
On the other hand, I believe that one needs to make adjustments after the intial creative outburst. Otherwise it would be chaos without control. I agree, then, that one should let "what happens happen", but only to a certain degree. There needs to be some quality adjustments as well.
I'm going to ask you the same thing as I did with TB, which helped a lot: can you substantiate a bit more? Can you draw some concrete examples so that I can get an idea of what is wrong?
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| Posted: Mon Jun 13, 2011 5:11 am Post subject: |
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| D-Lotus wrote: | On the other hand, I believe that one needs to make adjustments after the intial creative outburst. Otherwise it would be chaos without control. I agree, then, that one should let "what happens happen", but only to a certain degree. There needs to be some quality adjustments as well.
I'm going to ask you the same thing as I did with TB, which helped a lot: can you substantiate a bit more? Can you draw some concrete examples so that I can get an idea of what is wrong? |
I unfortunately cannot. There is nothing in particular that sticks out to me, it is the overall aura that it is giving off. It's hard to explain, and I am no critic (thank god). Sorry I can't be of more help to you.
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| Posted: Mon Jun 13, 2011 5:19 am Post subject: |
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Thanks regardless. After some thinking Ive decided to write yet another draft, making some important changes. Ill show you when I finish.
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