 |
 |
 |
 |
|
| Author |
Chapter |
Lilith
Honored Citizen
Joined: 10 Feb 2007
Topics: 82
Posts: 1597
Location: Happily curled up in a Daemon's lap
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
 Posted: Sun Sep 04, 2011 9:23 am Post subject: Eden's Call - Ch.11: The Balance of Power |
 |
|
So, I was hunting through my random collection of notebooks this morning.. and I found this in one of them, handwritten in pencil. Let's see if I can do this again, and of course, what you make of it. 
Warning: This tale is going to have serious themes and some violence. PG-13 Rating.
Prologue: The War Begins
The late July sun beat down on the cherry red hood of the 1999 Chrysler Sebring convertible as the woman behind the wheel pushed the gas pedal to the floor. One tanned arm hung out over the driver’s side door and occasionally a strand of inky black hair escaped the confines of the long braid down the woman’s back and fluttered in the wind. The road was empty with the exception of the red car and faded lines marking the center of the asphalt. Loud rock music blared from the speakers as the Sebring ate mile after mile in what seemed to be seconds, and the driver’s mauve-painted lips parted slightly as she sang under her breath with the band on the radio. Hours passed and the sun was barely peeking over the horizon by the time the car pulled into the parking lot of a motel along the highway. It was a little run down, not having gotten many customers in the past few years, but livable and pest-free.
“Welcome to Burkhart’s, can I interest you in our special? One week, which is seven nights and days for only one ninety-nine ninety-five? A complimentary breakfast is included!” The girl behind the counter popped her gum after her greeting speech, keeping a wide smile plastered on her face as she watched the dark haired woman approach the desk. Storm grey eyes peered at the girl acting as receptionist, seeming to bore into the perky blue eyes, and forcing the girl to stop popping her gum so obnoxiously.
“No.” The dark haired woman responded finally, her storm grey eyes now fixing on the sign showing the motel’s normal rates before digging in the handbag hanging off of her shoulder and pulling out two very crumpled twenty dollar bills. “I’ll just be here the one night.” She offered the bills to the girl, whose smile faltered briefly as she took the money from the woman slowly, and even swallowed her gum in nervousness, pulling out a nickel to give the woman in change and placing it in her palm.
“Well, Ma’am, my name’s Sasha should you need anything, give me a call here and I’ll be happy to take care of you.” She said uncertainly as she pulled out a key and handed it, tag and all, to the woman. “You’ll be in room nineteen down at the end of the hall.” Sasha tried for another smile, and received a piercing gaze in return before the woman strode down the hall and entered her room. After that, the receptionist collapsed into her chair with a grimace and looked wildly around at her desk in dismay, wondering what, not who, had just entered the motel.
***
The dark haired woman flung her ball cap across the room as soon as she’d closed the door and locked it behind herself, fury flaring in those grey eyes of hers as she stormed in the bathroom and tore the band from her hair that kept the braid in place, urgently running her fingers through it to get the braid out and then stepping out of her jeans and underwear, and almost just as urgently, wriggling out of her white tank top to step in the shower and turn it on full blast cold. As the icy water beat down on her skin, she heaved a great sigh and broke down in tears, her sobs silent but wracking through her chest and body hard.
Eventually, she pulled her body out of the shower and wrapped a towel around her body, her dark, medium length hair still dripping with cold water. There was a Celtic knot tattooed on her left shoulder blade, but in the shape of a heart, the black ink looking just as new as the day it was put in her olive skin. But not many knew that no needle had ever touched her skin. That wasn’t a tattoo; it was actually a brand, and an old one. She padded to the double bed and fell on her back into it with a groan, turning on her side and burying her face into the clean linen covered pillow, her face now tear-free. She pulled the towel around her body tightly and fell into a fevered slumber, her sobs having been quieted before she left the bathroom, her dark, damp hair splayed out on the pillow behind her.
When she woke, night had truly fallen, the moon high in the sky, bright and full, hung in the sky amongst the stars. Slowly, the woman sat up and gazed out of the window briefly before returning to the bathroom and picking up her clothing and re-dressing. As she adjusted her shirt in the mirror and was just running her fingers through her dark hair, which was now very curly from air-drying on the pillow, she heard the unmistakable sound of breaking glass coming from the bedroom.
Instantly, her senses were on alert and her heart raced. They’ve found me. Finally. A sardonic smile twisted her otherwise pretty face into one of purpose as she reached for the doorknob and wrenched it open, meeting the black and red robed figures in her room head-on.
The first came at her at a speed that was almost unreal, and she responded in kind, one sharp jab to his windpipe putting him down within seconds, choking without air. The rest stiffened and became even more guarded as they moved closer together and the one white robe amongst them stepped forward and spoke in a woman’s voice. “Guardian Catarínn! You have failed your responsibility to protect your charge and then you did not return to the court to report the death of him. You are thus charged with betraying the Order of Eden to our enemies and murder of your charge. You will now come with us and be stripped of your brand, your honor and your life!” The voice rang out with power despite the volume being just above a whisper. It seemed to sap the strength from Catarínn’s bones and she slowly fell to her knees, a burning sensation emanating from the brand on her left shoulder blade.
Quickly, the red and black robed figures moved forward to chain and shackle the woman still so she could do nothing but stand and walk when she got up from the floor. But before she did that however, the white robed figure knelt down to be eye level with Catarínn. The white hood fell back and revealed a woman who looked almost identical to the dark haired woman before her. “Catarínn, my sister, why did you kill him? Why did you kill Lucas?” She whispered, her own storm grey eyes filling with tears.
Catarínn leaned back, panting heavily from the struggle against the brand’s power but failing and stared into her twin’s eyes, willing her to see the truth in her words. “I did not kill our brother, Marianne. Please believe me! I did fail to protect him, yes, but I did not kill him. I didn’t return because I could not live with the shame of failing our little brother!” She gasped, almost in terror, begging her twin to hear the truth in her words, even as Marianne stood up. “Mari!”
The white-robed twin of the woman fixed Catarínn with a dark look. “I believe you. But you did abandon the Order. I have to uphold our laws. You will be named a coward and burn before the Council.” Catarínn stood as the red and black robed people stood and tugged on her bonds to bring her up too, holding back more sobs. “Wait,” Marianne added, turning to look at her twin again straight in the eyes. “I might be able to get a reprieve for your sentence, and just imprisonment for the rest of your eternal life.” Then she turned and looked at the robed people who weren’t holding her sister in bonds. “Go, Mark the girl. She will come to us in ten years time.”
The order was obeyed immediately and then Marianne, Catarinn and her captors disappeared into vapor, as if they’d just evaporated into the warm night air, amidst the scream of Sasha in her room she slept in when a brand was set on her upper arm in her sleep. When the brunette girl sat up and looked around, she saw nothing and no one in her room, but the brand was there, fresh, black and unmistakably Marking the child, just as Catarinn was Marked.
You'll get a full Chapter with a DP in a few days I think. I'll let this idea stew and see how it goes over first though. ^_^ Please comment.
_________________
© 2007-2019 Lilith
Last edited by Lilith on Wed Jan 09, 2013 4:18 pm; edited 30 times in total
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Tikanni Corazon
Honored Citizen
Joined: 25 Oct 2009
Topics: 75
Posts: 1286
Location: Running through the plains of my mind, my wolf spirit at my side (but doing so in the UK!).
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 04, 2011 9:32 am Post subject: |
|
|
This is a fab beginning, my friend! I'm intrigued to discover who will end up taking the main leading roll between Catarinn and Sasha as the story progresses. The prologue kinda leaves it open to be either one, or both of them. Looking forward to finding out!
Also am very much looking forward to discovering the circumstances in which their brother was killed, and why they thought that Catarinn herself did it. Are they not aware of any enemies that they have, I wonder? It poses many questions in the readers mind, that makes one want to read more.
Hopefully won't have to wait too long for chapter 1! Keep up the good work!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
 
 
  
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Andolyn
Mayor's Ambassador
Joined: 18 Apr 2011
Topics: 20
Posts: 852
Location: sitting barefoot in a tree in the beautiful land of Ardara, writing my tales...
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2011 12:32 am Post subject: |
|
|
| i REALLY like this Lil!! very intriguing right from the beginning! can't wait to see more!
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Lilith
Honored Citizen
Joined: 10 Feb 2007
Topics: 82
Posts: 1597
Location: Happily curled up in a Daemon's lap
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Lost Omega
Resident
Joined: 18 Dec 2010
Topics: 2
Posts: 88
Location: West Haven, CT
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Wed Sep 07, 2011 1:23 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I'm excited to read Chapter 1! This is very interesting. Who's the real one? Is the character bipolar? Have I been watching too many Lifetime movies? Maybe. Either way, I can't wait!
_________________
Never meddle in the affairs of dragons as you are crunchy and go well with ketchup.
Check out my SG, Freedom's Call! Chapter 4 - Part 2 is up NOW! In Skiffiville!
What can you do if you live in a shoe but you ain't got no sole?
Have you seen my ninja? He's around here somewhere... Qk
I've got eggs!   
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Lilith
Honored Citizen
Joined: 10 Feb 2007
Topics: 82
Posts: 1597
Location: Happily curled up in a Daemon's lap
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Kalyssa Summers
Citizen
Joined: 30 May 2011
Topics: 12
Posts: 118
Location: RL: NJ, USA | Starving Peasant for Posts in City of IF *Reaches for your Story Hungrily*
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Thu Sep 08, 2011 4:13 am Post subject: Re: Eden's Call - Prologue UP! |
|
|
This is a wonderful beginning!!! I can't wait to read more. Here are some specific comments:
| Lilith wrote: |
The late July sun beat down on the cherry red hood of the 1999 Chrysler Sebring convertible as the woman behind the wheel pushed the gas pedal to the floor. One tanned arm hung out over the driver’s side door and occasionally a strand of inky black hair escaped the confines of the long braid down the woman’s back and fluttered in the wind. The road was empty with the exception of the red car and faded lines marking the center of the asphalt. Loud rock music blared from the speakers as the Sebring ate mile after mile in what seemed to be seconds, and the driver’s mauve-painted lips parted slightly as she sang under her breath with the band on the radio. Hours passed and the sun was barely peeking over the horizon by the time the car pulled into the parking lot of a motel along the highway. It was a little run down, not having gotten many customers in the past few years, but livable and pest-free. |
I love this description! "Inky", the sense of lonesomeness, the sense that she's content with being alone with just the radio and the lines of the road.
| Lilith wrote: |
Storm grey eyes peered at the girl acting as receptionist, seeming to bore into the perky blue eyes, and forcing the girl to stop popping her gum so obnoxiously. |
I got a nice sense that she really was a person who you didn't mess with and also who was a bit scary. I would definitely love to see this in more detail though- i.e., described second by second. I feel that would be the best impact.
| Lilith wrote: |
The dark haired woman flung her ball cap across the room as soon as she’d closed the door and locked it behind herself, fury flaring in those grey eyes of hers as she stormed in the bathroom and tore the band from her hair that kept the braid in place, urgently running her fingers through it to get the braid out and then stepping out of her jeans and underwear, and almost just as urgently, wriggling out of her white tank top to step in the shower and turn it on full blast cold. As the icy water beat down on her skin, she heaved a great sigh and broke down in tears, her sobs silent but wracking through her chest and body hard. |
This touched me deeply, after my initial surprise. Which I am sure that you have intended...I love it!!! I really felt like, aw oh no, what happened?
BTW I am inspired by the link to the Celtic knot you included. What a great way to add visual and interactivity to a story!
| Lilith wrote: |
Eventually, she pulled her body out of the shower and wrapped a towel around her body, her dark, medium length hair still dripping with cold water. There was a Celtic knot tattooed on her left shoulder blade, but in the shape of a heart, the black ink looking just as new as the day it was put in her olive skin. But not many knew that no needle had ever touched her skin. That wasn’t a tattoo; it was actually a brand, and an old one. She padded to the double bed and fell on her back into it with a groan, turning on her side and burying her face into the clean linen covered pillow, her face now tear-free. She pulled the towel around her body tightly and fell into a fevered slumber, her sobs having been quieted before she left the bathroom, her dark, damp hair splayed out on the pillow behind her.
When she woke, night had truly fallen, the moon high in the sky, bright and full, hung in the sky amongst the stars. Slowly, the woman sat up and gazed out of the window briefly before returning to the bathroom and picking up her clothing and re-dressing. As she adjusted her shirt in the mirror and was just running her fingers through her dark hair, which was now very curly from air-drying on the pillow, she heard the unmistakable sound of breaking glass coming from the bedroom.
Instantly, her senses were on alert and her heart raced. They’ve found me. Finally. A sardonic smile twisted her otherwise pretty face into one of purpose as she reached for the doorknob and wrenched it open, meeting the black and red robed figures in her room head-on.
The first came at her at a speed that was almost unreal, and she responded in kind, one sharp jab to his windpipe putting him down within seconds, choking without air. The rest stiffened and became even more guarded as they moved closer together and the one white robe amongst them stepped forward and spoke in a woman’s voice. “Guardian Catarínn! You have failed your responsibility to protect your charge and then you did not return to the court to report the death of him. You are thus charged with betraying the Order of Eden to our enemies and murder of your charge. You will now come with us and be stripped of your brand, your honor and your life!” The voice rang out with power despite the volume being just above a whisper. It seemed to sap the strength from Catarínn’s bones and she slowly fell to her knees, a burning sensation emanating from the brand on her left shoulder blade.
Quickly, the red and black robed figures moved forward to chain and shackle the woman still so she could do nothing but stand and walk when she got up from the floor. But before she did that however, the white robed figure knelt down to be eye level with Catarínn. The white hood fell back and revealed a woman who looked almost identical to the dark haired woman before her. “Catarínn, my sister, why did you kill him? Why did you kill Lucas?” She whispered, her own storm grey eyes filling with tears.
Catarínn leaned back, panting heavily from the struggle against the brand’s power but failing and stared into her twin’s eyes, willing her to see the truth in her words. “I did not kill our brother, Marianne. Please believe me! I did fail to protect him, yes, but I did not kill him. I didn’t return because I could not live with the shame of failing our little brother!” She gasped, almost in terror, begging her twin to hear the truth in her words, even as Marianne stood up. “Mari!”
The white-robed twin of the woman fixed Catarínn with a dark look. “I believe you. But you did abandon the Order. I have to uphold our laws. You will be named a coward and burn before the Council.” Catarínn stood as the red and black robed people stood and tugged on her bonds to bring her up too, holding back more sobs. “Wait,” Marianne added, turning to look at her twin again straight in the eyes. “I might be able to get a reprieve for your sentence, and just imprisonment for the rest of your eternal life.” Then she turned and looked at the robed people who weren’t holding her sister in bonds. “Go, Mark the girl. She will come to us in ten years time.”
The order was obeyed immediately and then Marianne, Catarinn and her captors disappeared into vapor, as if they’d just evaporated into the warm night air, amidst the scream of Sasha in her room she slept in when a brand was set on her upper arm in her sleep. When the brunette girl sat up and looked around, she saw nothing and no one in her room, but the brand was there, fresh, black and unmistakably Marking the child, just as Catarinn was Marked. |
Perfectly fast-paced, smoothly transitioned and written story! I concur with Tikanni; I cannot wait to hear more! And I feel relieved that I'm not the only one who likes to throw up a prologue in essentially draft form, haha.
Can't wait to read more of this- bookmarked!!!!
_________________
_______________________________________________________
 || 
The Three Phrase Law / Aisle3 Siren (DR, Lover's Court)
Love. Beauty. Inner Whole.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Kalyssa Summers
Citizen
Joined: 30 May 2011
Topics: 12
Posts: 118
Location: RL: NJ, USA | Starving Peasant for Posts in City of IF *Reaches for your Story Hungrily*
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Thu Sep 08, 2011 8:13 am Post subject: |
|
|
Yay!!! Whenever you're done, no rush, you definitely know I'll pounce on it!!
_________________
_______________________________________________________
||
The Three Phrase Law / Aisle3 Siren (DR, Lover's Court)
Love. Beauty. Inner Whole.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Chapter |
Lilith
Honored Citizen
Joined: 10 Feb 2007
Topics: 82
Posts: 1597
Location: Happily curled up in a Daemon's lap
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Thu Sep 08, 2011 1:50 pm Post subject: Chapter 1: Ten Years Later - Now Playing! Comment please! |
|
|
Warning: This tale is going to have serious themes and some violence. PG-13 Rating.
Chapter 1: Ten Years Later
Sasha woke with a start when her alarm went off and reached over, grumbling, to smack it several times before it shut off, and she could stumble into the bathroom. She’d stayed over the weekend at the small motel her parents owned in the middle of nowhere, but now she had to get up and get ready so she could have a meeting with the bank loan officer that was coming in to see if the place was worth an SBA Loan to get them back on their feet. Ten years since the break-in and the disappearance of an odd female customer, that break-in hadn’t given Burkhart’s motel a very good reputation.
She groaned as she saw that her cat was lying on her gray pencil skirt she’d been planning to wear to the interview with the loan officer. “Damn it, Cory, c’mon, give it back…” She batted the black and white male cat off her skirt and he leapt away, and then spun around in a circle to chase his tail. “Silly kitty.” She added with a smile, reaching over and rubbing his ears before running into the bathroom, and disrobing to clean up quickly and then get dressed.
From there, her morning turned to be bad. The faucet broke off into her palm when she tried to turn it off, so she had to get out, naked, and dig in the toolbox she kept under the bathroom sink, and start bashing away at it with a set of pliers before the cold water turned off. She ran her forearm over her forehead to wipe away the sweat beaded on her brow, and then remembered she was naked and hadn’t done a thing with her hair. Then one of her perfect little black heels broke and Sasha had to dig out a pair of flats with a grumble to go with her skirt, which thankfully, still fit. She managed to drop her lipstick twice and the second time, got a swipe of it on her white blouse, so then the woman had to grab her scarlet silk button-up and put that on.
Despite her nightmare of a morning, Sasha was ready in time to be in the sitting room just off of the ‘Welcome!’ area of the motel and glanced out of the window when she heard a car door slam. Immediately she peered outside at her bank contact and took note of his gender, quickly undoing one more button at the top of her blouse and adjusting it so that her black bra wasn’t shown, just yet, but very well could be when she leaned over to pour him a cup of coffee. There was a knock on the door and Sasha stood up, smoothed her skirt and turned the door knob to let the banker in.
He was taller than she was, about a half foot actually, and she was decent five-foot eight-inches with a curvy one-hundred-and-thirty pound frame, and he was fit. She smiled brightly and offered her hand, which he gave two firm shakes before she stepped aside to allow the man inside. “Hello, Ms. Carter, I’m Lucas Henderson, but most people call me Luke.” Briefly, Sasha allowed herself glance-over of Lucas and she could definitely appreciate this guy’s looks. He was broad shouldered, but had managed to wear a tailored blazer and trousers to fit his tall frame, so he probably had them custom-made, which meant he wasn’t too shabby with his funds. Looking up, she could see blue-green eyes that were not too dark, but not too light, and dark hair that was in that almost-messed up style, but was acceptable for the everyday workplace, and in the indescribable length between short and medium. His face was pleasant enough, no protruding forehead or uni-brow, but he wasn’t girly-looking either, plus he had that great smile.
“Welcome to Burkhart’s Mr. Henderson, if you’ll just step in the conference room on the left here, I’ve got a pot of coffee and some pastries if you’re interested in breakfast while I show you the information you asked for.” Sasha smile at him genuinely; there was not much to not like about this man. And then there was the drool factor.
The loan officer raised both eyebrows and nodded as he stepped in the room to sit down and helped himself to a pastry as Sasha followed him in and closed the door behind her, before setting a mug by Lucas so she could pour him a cup. She sat the pot of coffee back down on its heating tray and then pulled over the file folder, thick with documents she’d put together over the past week. However, Sasha did notice ‘Mister Henderson’s’ eyes stray to her cleavage when she leaned over a bit to pour him some coffee, and that made her smile to herself as she set out a spreadsheet before him on the table to show to him.
“If you look here, I’ve put together ten years’ worth of Profit and Loss predictions, as well as the same amount of Cash Flow predictions. Now, I estimated my first few years will be quite profitable as the name change will be in place and everyone will want to try it because it’s new and the critics will be chomping at the bit to see what we have to offer. However… I expect the economy to do a few more dips back down before it’s out of the recession completely, you know, how it has many times over the years since we became a nation, and even after the Great Depression in the 30s. It’s not going to surprise me at all. But, with a little extra advertising in my early years, I’ll make it through no problem, as you can see here...” She pointed at the bottom line of one of her cash flow statements, entitled’2020’. “I’ll even turn a profit if everything goes according to plan with a little extra flexibility of course in case of repairs being needed for the building once I’ve finished renovating it.”
Just as Sasha paused to take a breath, Luke put his coffee mug down and held up both hands to stop her. “Miss Carter, if it’s alright I call you that, I can see that you’ve got plans for this loan and you’ve got by far, the best business plan I’ve seen in some years that you emailed over to me at the beginning of last week. But I want to know a couple of things as well outside of the numbers. Any idiot can pull those numbers at the bank and give you a yes or no.” He paused and watched her face, looking at her very intently, every inch of him radiating seriousness. “What I want to know is… if we say no, and every other bank in the tri-state area says no to you, would you do the logical thing, and knock this building down to sell it to a developing company?”
Then he sat back in his chair and waited. Sasha thought for about two minutes before she frowned and shook her head at him. “I’m sorry, Mister Henderson, but I’m afraid that I will not take the ‘logical’ option, as you call it. I actually refused several developing companies who offered me several sizeable amounts of money, less than what I’m asking you for and they would take this land as is. But I want to succeed at this endeavor, Mister Henderson. And if your bank says no, I will keep working at this until I find one that will.” She gave him a hard look and stood up. “So, if you’d like to return to your comfortable corner office to … do what any idiot at your bank can do, please feel free.” Her voice had become icy and clipped when he offered the possibility of giving the land to developing companies to use.
Both of Lucas Henderson’s eyes widened at the curt voice Sasha had started using and when she was finished and stood up, he couldn’t help but to break out in laughter. “Well done, Miss Carter. Well done. That’s the first loan interview I will pass this year! No one else thinks it wise to stand up for their business endeavor, no matter the cost.” When he saw the startled and confused look on Sasha’s face he cleared his throat and said simply, “You got your loan. The interview process is the biggest part of determining whether or not you did.”
“Oh. Well alright then.” Sasha grinned and slid the box of pastries closer to the loan officer. “Have another pastry. They’re homemade.” She winked at him and then poured herself a cup of coffee, settling back down in her chair to get comfortable. After a few quiet moments of coffee-drinking and chewing of pastries, the dark haired woman glanced over at Luke and smiled again. “So, do you have to go back to work, Mister Henderson?” She asked politely, in a business-like tone.
He grinned in return back to her. “Nope. This was my only interview today because it’s Saturday. I am free the rest of the day. Do you have things you need to be doing in preparation for your loan funds when they come through?” He countered slyly, giving her an obvious once-over with those blue-green eyes of his.
Sasha had opened her mouth with a smirk, ready to give him a coy reply when the sound of smashing glass and splintering wood met their ears. And not too far away. She froze for a minute, ice flooding her veins before she shoved herself from her chair and took off at a jog to investigate. She could hear Luke’s heavy footfalls behind her as she skidded into a hallway where more noises were coming from.
Someone had smashed open the window of the side door that she always kept locked unless there was a fire that endangered her guests. And some oozing black thing was sliding in through the window and the cracks of the now bashed in door. Her eyes went wide with shock and slowly the feeling of fear and swelling dread went from the knot in her stomach to her chest, her lungs seeming to work overtime as her heard thudded in her chest. She could hear Lucas behind her, whispering in her ear, “My god… what is that?”
Sasha shook her head slowly and swallowed back a whimper of fear. She didn’t know what the hell it was, or how to get it to go away. Should she run? Attack it somehow? Whatever she did, she’d better decide soon, as Lucas was tugging on her arm to pull Sasha behind him and murmuring for her to get out of there. It would be too late to get them both out of harms’ way if this… ooze-blob was toxic or poisonous somehow.
Your DP: What’s a girl to do?
_________________
© 2007-2019 Lilith
Last edited by Lilith on Thu Sep 08, 2011 3:33 pm; edited 1 time in total
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Andolyn
Mayor's Ambassador
Joined: 18 Apr 2011
Topics: 20
Posts: 852
Location: sitting barefoot in a tree in the beautiful land of Ardara, writing my tales...
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Thu Sep 08, 2011 2:29 pm Post subject: |
|
|
ima say...RUN. we have no idea what this thing is or what it's capable of. until we know that, get the heck out of Dodge!
loving it!!
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Tikanni Corazon
Honored Citizen
Joined: 25 Oct 2009
Topics: 75
Posts: 1286
Location: Running through the plains of my mind, my wolf spirit at my side (but doing so in the UK!).
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Fri Sep 09, 2011 5:22 pm Post subject: |
|
|
So for now, it's Sasha taking the leading role. Loving it! 
Really loved the chapter, Lil! Especially that sudden change in the plot at the end. One minute it's all casual flirting, small talk and coffee...then breaking glass, a touch more exciting...then a nameless, shapeless, black blob is writhing around on the floor in front of them!!! Completely unexpected, and completely made me go 'WHAT?!' though in a good way, you understand. Was brilliant!
For the dp...yes it would be smart to run...yet I can't seem to find it in me to say to do it. I want to see what happens! I want to know what it is, what it's going to do...who it's going to do it to! I say just back up away from it a bit, but keep it in view. I think it would be beneficial for them to know what they're up against too.
Can't wait for more, Lil! Keep up the good work!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Kalyssa Summers
Citizen
Joined: 30 May 2011
Topics: 12
Posts: 118
Location: RL: NJ, USA | Starving Peasant for Posts in City of IF *Reaches for your Story Hungrily*
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 13, 2011 3:29 am Post subject: Re: Chapter 1: Ten Years Later - Now Playing! Comment please |
|
|
| Lilith wrote: | Warning: This tale is going to have serious themes and some violence. PG-13 Rating.
Chapter 1: Ten Years Later
Sasha woke with a start when her alarm went off and reached over, grumbling, to smack it several times before it shut off, and she could stumble into the bathroom. She’d stayed over the weekend at the small motel her parents owned in the middle of nowhere, but now she had to get up and get ready so she could have a meeting with the bank loan officer that was coming in to see if the place was worth an SBA Loan to get them back on their feet. Ten years since the break-in and the disappearance of an odd female customer, that break-in hadn’t given Burkhart’s motel a very good reputation.
She groaned as she saw that her cat was lying on her gray pencil skirt she’d been planning to wear to the interview with the loan officer. “Damn it, Cory, c’mon, give it back…” She batted the black and white male cat off her skirt and he leapt away, and then spun around in a circle to chase his tail. “Silly kitty.” She added with a smile, reaching over and rubbing his ears before running into the bathroom, and disrobing to clean up quickly and then get dressed.
From there, her morning turned to be bad. The faucet broke off into her palm when she tried to turn it off, so she had to get out, naked, and dig in the toolbox she kept under the bathroom sink, and start bashing away at it with a set of pliers before the cold water turned off. She ran her forearm over her forehead to wipe away the sweat beaded on her brow, and then remembered she was naked and hadn’t done a thing with her hair. Then one of her perfect little black heels broke and Sasha had to dig out a pair of flats with a grumble to go with her skirt, which thankfully, still fit. She managed to drop her lipstick twice and the second time, got a swipe of it on her white blouse, so then the woman had to grab her scarlet silk button-up and put that on. |
I love the detail! Also makes me think- uh oh is something going to go wrong?
| Lilith wrote: |
Despite her nightmare of a morning, Sasha was ready in time to be in the sitting room just off of the ‘Welcome!’ area of the motel and glanced out of the window when she heard a car door slam. Immediately she peered outside at her bank contact and took note of his gender, quickly undoing one more button at the top of her blouse and adjusting it so that her black bra wasn’t shown, just yet, but very well could be when she leaned over to pour him a cup of coffee. There was a knock on the door and Sasha stood up, smoothed her skirt and turned the door knob to let the banker in.
He was taller than she was, about a half foot actually, and she was decent five-foot eight-inches with a curvy one-hundred-and-thirty pound frame, and he was fit. She smiled brightly and offered her hand, which he gave two firm shakes before she stepped aside to allow the man inside. “Hello, Ms. Carter, I’m Lucas Henderson, but most people call me Luke.” Briefly, Sasha allowed herself glance-over of Lucas and she could definitely appreciate this guy’s looks. He was broad shouldered, but had managed to wear a tailored blazer and trousers to fit his tall frame, so he probably had them custom-made, which meant he wasn’t too shabby with his funds. Looking up, she could see blue-green eyes that were not too dark, but not too light, and dark hair that was in that almost-messed up style, but was acceptable for the everyday workplace, and in the indescribable length between short and medium. His face was pleasant enough, no protruding forehead or uni-brow, but he wasn’t girly-looking either, plus he had that great smile.
“Welcome to Burkhart’s Mr. Henderson, if you’ll just step in the conference room on the left here, I’ve got a pot of coffee and some pastries if you’re interested in breakfast while I show you the information you asked for.” Sasha smile at him genuinely; there was not much to not like about this man. And then there was the drool factor. |
The sentences the dialogue about her not liking the man surprise me as two paragraphs were devoted to appreciating the man. If you're trying to pull off the idea that she's attracted, but trying not to be attracted, try to add a little more detail about her efforts to shut her female response in the paragraph above her speech.
| Lilith wrote: |
The loan officer raised both eyebrows and nodded as he stepped in the room to sit down and helped himself to a pastry as Sasha followed him in and closed the door behind her, before setting a mug by Lucas so she could pour him a cup. She sat the pot of coffee back down on its heating tray and then pulled over the file folder, thick with documents she’d put together over the past week. However, Sasha did notice ‘Mister Henderson’s’ eyes stray to her cleavage when she leaned over a bit to pour him some coffee, and that made her smile to herself as she set out a spreadsheet before him on the table to show to him.
“If you look here, I’ve put together ten years’ worth of Profit and Loss predictions, as well as the same amount of Cash Flow predictions. Now, I estimated my first few years will be quite profitable as the name change will be in place and everyone will want to try it because it’s new and the critics will be chomping at the bit to see what we have to offer. However… I expect the economy to do a few more dips back down before it’s out of the recession completely, you know, how it has many times over the years since we became a nation, and even after the Great Depression in the 30s. It’s not going to surprise me at all. But, with a little extra advertising in my early years, I’ll make it through no problem, as you can see here...” She pointed at the bottom line of one of her cash flow statements, entitled’2020’. “I’ll even turn a profit if everything goes according to plan with a little extra flexibility of course in case of repairs being needed for the building once I’ve finished renovating it.”
Just as Sasha paused to take a breath, Luke put his coffee mug down and held up both hands to stop her. “Miss Carter, if it’s alright I call you that, I can see that you’ve got plans for this loan and you’ve got by far, the best business plan I’ve seen in some years that you emailed over to me at the beginning of last week. But I want to know a couple of things as well outside of the numbers. Any idiot can pull those numbers at the bank and give you a yes or no.” He paused and watched her face, looking at her very intently, every inch of him radiating seriousness. “What I want to know is… if we say no, and every other bank in the tri-state area says no to you, would you do the logical thing, and knock this building down to sell it to a developing company?”
Then he sat back in his chair and waited. Sasha thought for about two minutes before she frowned and shook her head at him. “I’m sorry, Mister Henderson, but I’m afraid that I will not take the ‘logical’ option, as you call it. I actually refused several developing companies who offered me several sizeable amounts of money, less than what I’m asking you for and they would take this land as is. But I want to succeed at this endeavor, Mister Henderson. And if your bank says no, I will keep working at this until I find one that will.” She gave him a hard look and stood up. “So, if you’d like to return to your comfortable corner office to … do what any idiot at your bank can do, please feel free.” Her voice had become icy and clipped when he offered the possibility of giving the land to developing companies to use. |
Love it here! Good development.
| Lilith wrote: |
Both of Lucas Henderson’s eyes widened at the curt voice Sasha had started using and when she was finished and stood up, he couldn’t help but to break out in laughter. “Well done, Miss Carter. Well done. That’s the first loan interview I will pass this year! No one else thinks it wise to stand up for their business endeavor, no matter the cost.” When he saw the startled and confused look on Sasha’s face he cleared his throat and said simply, “You got your loan. The interview process is the biggest part of determining whether or not you did.”
“Oh. Well alright then.” Sasha grinned and slid the box of pastries closer to the loan officer. “Have another pastry. They’re homemade.” She winked at him and then poured herself a cup of coffee, settling back down in her chair to get comfortable. After a few quiet moments of coffee-drinking and chewing of pastries, the dark haired woman glanced over at Luke and smiled again. “So, do you have to go back to work, Mister Henderson?” She asked politely, in a business-like tone.
He grinned in return back to her. “Nope. This was my only interview today because it’s Saturday. I am free the rest of the day. Do you have things you need to be doing in preparation for your loan funds when they come through?” He countered slyly, giving her an obvious once-over with those blue-green eyes of his.
Sasha had opened her mouth with a smirk, ready to give him a coy reply when the sound of smashing glass and splintering wood met their ears. And not too far away. She froze for a minute, ice flooding her veins before she shoved herself from her chair and took off at a jog to investigate. She could hear Luke’s heavy footfalls behind her as she skidded into a hallway where more noises were coming from.
Someone had smashed open the window of the side door that she always kept locked unless there was a fire that endangered her guests. And some oozing black thing was sliding in through the window and the cracks of the now bashed in door. Her eyes went wide with shock and slowly the feeling of fear and swelling dread went from the knot in her stomach to her chest, her lungs seeming to work overtime as her heard thudded in her chest. She could hear Lucas behind her, whispering in her ear, “My god… what is that?”
Sasha shook her head slowly and swallowed back a whimper of fear. She didn’t know what the hell it was, or how to get it to go away. Should she run? Attack it somehow? Whatever she did, she’d better decide soon, as Lucas was tugging on her arm to pull Sasha behind him and murmuring for her to get out of there. It would be too late to get them both out of harms’ way if this… ooze-blob was toxic or poisonous somehow.
Your DP: What’s a girl to do? |
The smash was excellent to interrupt.
My DP- Her powers come forth to protect this banker! She will surprise the both of them
@Tika- Hey=D *waves*....hope you get your internet back up soon!
_________________
_______________________________________________________
||
The Three Phrase Law / Aisle3 Siren (DR, Lover's Court)
Love. Beauty. Inner Whole.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Andolyn
Mayor's Ambassador
Joined: 18 Apr 2011
Topics: 20
Posts: 852
Location: sitting barefoot in a tree in the beautiful land of Ardara, writing my tales...
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 13, 2011 1:30 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| she said there "was not much to not like" meaning that there was nothing to dislike. she likes him. lol!
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Kalyssa Summers
Citizen
Joined: 30 May 2011
Topics: 12
Posts: 118
Location: RL: NJ, USA | Starving Peasant for Posts in City of IF *Reaches for your Story Hungrily*
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 13, 2011 1:44 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Andolyn wrote: | | she said there "was not much to not like" meaning that there was nothing to dislike. she likes him. lol! |
Oh okay lol. Well if I made that mistake, others may also. @Lilith That part should be revised then, a double negative can be misread. Also elaborating on the "drool factor" would be good.
I'm not trying to be mean here. Anyone of you would have critiqued my stories the same way:P
_________________
_______________________________________________________
||
The Three Phrase Law / Aisle3 Siren (DR, Lover's Court)
Love. Beauty. Inner Whole.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Andolyn
Mayor's Ambassador
Joined: 18 Apr 2011
Topics: 20
Posts: 852
Location: sitting barefoot in a tree in the beautiful land of Ardara, writing my tales...
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 13, 2011 1:57 pm Post subject: |
|
|
i'm not being mean either...but if you're going to make a critique that's so nit-picky, make sure you're right first, ok?
i happen to love the double negative approach. it's different & forces the reader to pay attention. i miss it sometimes then go back and read it again when it doesnt "add up". when i do miss it the first time, it's my own fault for reading too fast.
these are the types of critiques i dont like ((and dont give myself)). opinions stated as what should definitely be. how you feel about it might not be how everyone does, so try to state things as such. when it's an opinion, say it like an opinion. *shrugs* maybe it's just me, but that's my take on the matter.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Lebrenth
Honored Citizen
Joined: 29 Dec 2005
Topics: 43
Posts: 1484
Location: Utah
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2011 10:58 am Post subject: |
|
|
Strictly speaking, double negatives aren't not good grammar, but they're hardly not necessarily bad writing if you don't ask someone else. Why would you want to confuse your readers and force them to stumble on your writing? It seems a little self-important to force your readers to decode your cryptic writing to make sure they're paying attention. Andolyn, Kalyssa was confused, so she's trying to help Lilith improve her writing. She could word her suggestion a little more politely, but you could do the same with your rebuttal.
By the way, Lilith, it is a little odd how you described Lucas. You went to a lot of trouble describing what he wasn't. He wasn't too shabby with his funds; his eyes weren't too dark or too light; his hair wasn't short or medium; his forehead didn't protude; he didn't have a uni-brow; he wasn't girly-looking; there was not much to not like about him. Each time you described what he wasn't, I had to throw out a strange version of him from my mind. The protruding forehead with uni-brow version stands out far better than the vague idea of what he does look like.
The description of "almost-messed up" hairstyle that was acceptable in the workplace was a great description of what he was. I think it would be great to do the same with the rest of the sentences, i.e. he was impressively funded; his eyes were a perfect blue-green hue; his hair laid between short and medium length; his face was well-proportioned and masculine.... I think the last one "not much not to like" is a nice catch-all to make sure everyone knows he doesn't have any obvious flaws, but maybe "She couldn't find anything disagreeable about him" might be easier to understand instead of using "not" twice.
Anyway, sorry I barged in with unsolicited advice. I was Bob-Thwacking and I noticed what looked like a fight. You got another reader out of it, at least. I'd like to see where this strange order fits in with the real world as we know it.
DP wise, I don't see too many options. Running sounds smart. Perhaps we could throw a fire extinguisher at it (I'm sure they're clearly marked and accessible in case of emergency, right?). If the blob is highly corrosive, the extinguisher will explode. I believe it will cool the blob considerably (as described by Charles's Law of Gasses), which may slow it a bit too, if the explosion doesn't do anything. Of course, we would still want to run whether the extinguisher idea worked or not. Get in a car and boogie.
_________________
Please visit my Library of completed works.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Lilith
Honored Citizen
Joined: 10 Feb 2007
Topics: 82
Posts: 1597
Location: Happily curled up in a Daemon's lap
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2011 11:44 am Post subject: |
|
|
Kals, thanks for your input, I appreciate it. And there's a reason why I used 2 nots in the same sentence.
Andi, thank you for being so sweet and defending a writer's style. Thank-you for reading.
But ladies, no more arguing. I appreciate both sets of input, and trust me when I say, it goes in my handy little bag of writing tools.
Lebby, the description was purposely odd, because I haven't quite decided what to do with this Lucas yet. He's a very.. airy character right now because I don't have him down solid. And your advice is appreciated as well Lebby, unsoliciated or not. Thank-you for the read and the suggestion.
And without further ado, .......
We're Polling, kids! Please vote! Tell your friends to vote too!
_________________
© 2007-2019 Lilith
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Lebrenth
Honored Citizen
Joined: 29 Dec 2005
Topics: 43
Posts: 1484
Location: Utah
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2011 1:39 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Okey doke, sorry for making a fuss. I like my idea (of course), but I think we're going to need strange powers for the things we're up against, so I'm voting for that.
_________________
Please visit my Library of completed works.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Andolyn
Mayor's Ambassador
Joined: 18 Apr 2011
Topics: 20
Posts: 852
Location: sitting barefoot in a tree in the beautiful land of Ardara, writing my tales...
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2011 1:55 pm Post subject: |
|
|
i got out everything i wanted to say with my last (and only) post. i'm just looking back to the way i was treated over LoK and how crappy the harsh comments made me feel about my writing ((when worded differently, they could have been written off as mere opinions or even turned into something constructive))...i also remembered how Lil was one of the people to stand up for me, so how could i not do the same for her? if we end it now, it wont happen again. speaking from experience. but i'm finished. as i said, got out all i wanted to say.
i voted for them to stick around and watch. nothing too hasty just yet.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Thunderbird
Elder
Joined: 13 Sep 2009
Topics: 104
Posts: 2139
Location: Rising from the ashes
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2011 7:45 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hah! Broke a tie!
I, too, thought all the above comments were useful in the way they were delivered and I commend you An for taking a moment to note that emotions got tossed in from past experiences.
Liking the story so far. The human interaction sequence was quite engaging and the bit about her business proposal had a very real feeling which was in stark contrast to the sudden 'fantasy/scifi' intrusion which made that intrusion feel very out of place in that sort of alien manner that it probably should have - the shock and awe was real.
On the flip side, one thing I'd ask you to work on was an issue I've seen in your writing recently, not in this chapter but more in the first and that's that I end up often getting lost in which character you're currently referring to. I'm not quite sure HOW you create this confusion, just that I've been having to consistently reread where multiple characters are being discussed to sort them out in my head who it is you're talking about.
Otherwise, you've grown in leaps and bounds since I read your first stuff on IF... well done!
_________________
     
 CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...  
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Andolyn
Mayor's Ambassador
Joined: 18 Apr 2011
Topics: 20
Posts: 852
Location: sitting barefoot in a tree in the beautiful land of Ardara, writing my tales...
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2011 9:24 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| now, see?? THAT was constructive. worded in a manner that was a request, not a demand that it be done, and thus taking the author's feelings about their work into consideration. *Bows to the Mayor*
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Chapter |
Lilith
Honored Citizen
Joined: 10 Feb 2007
Topics: 82
Posts: 1597
Location: Happily curled up in a Daemon's lap
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Fri Sep 23, 2011 8:54 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Warning: This tale is going to have serious themes and some violence. PG-13 Rating.
**Sorry about the double post. Thought someone would post after me, anyway, here it is!**
Chapter 2: Chemistry 101
Luke kept tugging and tugging at her arm but Sasha stood rooted to the spot as the oozing, gelatinous thing slowly expanded, moving towards them menacingly. Finally, the intial shock wore off and Sasha stumbled backwards into Luke slightly but, since he was taller and bigger than she, her slender weight knocking into him didn’t do much. “We need to get out of here… I don’t know what this is but look at the wall…” Luke muttered to her conspiratorially, pointing at the wallpaper of the hallway smoking, turning black, and curling up and away at the blob’s touch. “What do you think is going to happen to us if we get touched by that stuff?” He added, seeing Sasha bite down on her lower lip nervously.
“But, this place is…” She started to say mine but a loud hissing sound made her swallow the words back as the blob expanded, filling the portion of the hallway it was in top to bottom, covering the damage made when it had entered the building.
Both Luke and Sasha backed away slowly as the blob advanced. Luke’s fingers brushed over an emergency box with an axe inside for cutting down blocked doors and beams if the building started to collapse from a fire. He glanced at Sasha and then at the blob before giving the glass a sharp jab with his elbow. The sound of breaking glass made the blob freeze, stopping all movement of its semi-colloidal form.
“So it is sentient.” Sasha said aloud, her own fingers digging along the wall for any sort of a weapon, and finding none. “Do you think that it might back off now?” She asked Luke in an undertone, but the blob itself answered her question for her by slowly withdrawing from them, leaving a trail of smoldering, slimy debris behind. They glanced at each other, and took steps forward towards it slowly; tiptoeing through the scorched and slightly slimy floor the blob had just been on.
Luke made a hand movement for Sasha to stay back but she was curious enough to let her fear slide to the side a bit so she could inspect the area and possibly figure out what that thing was made of. Just as the woman crept forwards further and started to bend, Luke coughed a little and made a sniffing noise before sneezing. “Do you smell that? It smells like my high school chemistry class melting rubber bands together.” He coughed again.
Sasha sniffed briefly, and smelled burning rubber. She backed away from the debris and looked at the bottom of her shoes. The soles were almost worn clean through to the inner cloth from the few seconds she’d been standing on. “Holy shi- AGH!” The reason why Sasha had suddenly screamed was apparent by the shaking of the entire motel. The force of the shudder knocked her headfirst into Luke and sent them both rolling in the opposite direction of the hall.
“What the HELL was that?!” Luke shouted, and as if to answer his question, all of the windows of the building suddenly imploded in upon themselves, forced inside by the sheer force the black ooze was putting upon them, the glass melting over top of the blob and being absorbed into it. As the ooze touched down, the floor smoldered and smoked, just as the hallway the side fire exit was in had. Then it started moving towards the both of them and both Luke and Sasha shot up immediately, taking off through the inner halls and dodging the outer ones that the ooze had already taken over.
“This way!” Sasha skidded around a corner and her arm shot out to grab Luke’s wrist and tugged him inside a room. She slammed the door shut behind him and did up the deadbolt and security chain.
“I don’t think that’s going to help, Sasha. That thing eats through everything like acid!” Luke said in a hoarse voice, reaching around his throat and loosening his tie nervously. His dark hair was unkempt and extremely messy now, and he was sweating a bit as well. “We need to leave.”
Sasha panted as she wobbled to the far law and kicked off her shoes. Upon looking around her surroundings, she couldn’t help but be comforted by her things of her home. “I know, I know… I just need to think… “ The very edges of the carpet by the door started to smoke and curl up slightly.
“What can we use to push it away? What neutralizes acid..” She muttered to herself as Luke gaped at her, walking around barefoot and pacing in thought.
“I would assume something basic, Sasha, but I don’t think we have..” Luke tried to reason to her but his words were soon drowned out as Sasha widened her eyes and ran out of the living room area, into her bedroom and from there, her bathroom. She came back with a bottle of Clorox bleach.
“Can’t get much more basic than this, can you?” She smirked and attempted to open the bulky bottle of cleaning solution. “These aren’t child-proof, they’re adult-proof too..ngh.” Sasha squirmed and twisted at the cap, glancing up every few seconds to see that the ooze was now under the door and slowly expanding on her floor, scorching whatever was nearby. Cory, her black and white cat was on top of the back of the sofa, hissing and spitting at the ooze.
“Crap, give it here…” Luke growled exasperatedly, seizing the bleach bottle and pulling a pocket knife from his pocket, stabbing the plastic in the side and slinging the liquid at the ooze.
There were at least three heartbeats where nothing happened and for an instant, Sasha thought her plan had failed. But then the ooze dissolved where the bleach had touched it, and shortly after that an ear-splitting scream emitted from every direction; whether it was from the ooze itself or from a third party, they couldn’t tell. Luke chucked the bleach bottle at the retreating ooze, where it burst open upon impact and the ooze retreated faster, eager to be away from this attacker that knew its weakness.
All they could hear for a few moments afterward where the angry hisses and growls coming from Cory, but Sasha soon scooped him up and squeezed him tightly to her chest, scratching his chest and calming him in a soothing quiet voice, almost like one would do a child. As Sasha calmed her cat down, Luke walked around the room, bending over the spots where the bleach and ooze had collided and finding it free of the slime that the ooze normally left. How strange… oh who am I kidding, that was unbelievable! If I didn’t know better, I’d say I was dreaming! Luke pinched himself hard on the arm and gave a quiet grunt of pain before sighing heavily. This was no dream, they had really just been attacked by an oozing black blob of... animated acid. He caught Sasha staring at him as she rubbed the now calm Cory’s ears and head affectionately. “What?” Luke asked, bewilderment in his blue eyes as he stared back, straightening up.
Sasha was silent for a few moments before smirking at him, despite the fact her nerves were shot to hell and back, as her father would describe. “Do all bankers carry a pocket knife? I thought the most dangerous things you used were your pens to say ‘no’ to a prospective customer.”
Luke even returned her smile, despite the strangeness of the situation and folded his knife back up, first wiping it on a part of the floor where there was slime leftover and watching as the bleach residue on the blade made the slime disappear, then slipping it back into his pocket. “I wasn’t always a banker. I lived in the inner city when I was a kid. Bad neighborhood.” He took a deep breath and a step towards Sasha. “Are you alright?”
Sasha’s smile wavered a little as she looked at the damage of her room and then walked over to her door, still clutching Cory to her chest, poking her head out in the hallway, her expression complete and utter sorrow at the destruction of the rest of the motel. “Well, Mister Henderson, it doesn’t look like you need to worry about giving me that loan after all… this is… for a lack of a better term totaled.” She commented sadly, noting Luke having approached behind her and peered out over her shoulder into the hall as well.
“I’m sorry Sasha…” He began with a sympathetic tone in his voice as Sasha closed the door again and pressed her forehead to the cool wood. “But I am going to have to agree. This building can’t be salvaged like thi-“ There was a quiet thunk from behind her and Sasha whirled around to see what it was. All she had time to see was Luke face-first on the floor and then a dark robed figure standing up from him and swiftly approaching her.
She couldn’t tell the gender of the person and he or she reached up to tap its ear and spoke. “I’ve got civilians. Creature cannot be accounted for. One male, one female, one feline.” When he or she spoke, Sasha could finally identify the robed figure as a woman. As the robed figure awaited a response from… whoever she was talking to, Sasha glanced around quickly for an escape, struggling to keep Cory still as he was curious to see who this new person was.
“Affirmative. The female spotted me, should I eliminate her? No? Alright, see you at the base in two hours. Over and out.” Sasha was brought back quickly to reality as the figure lowered her hood and actually smiled. “Today is your lucky day, peaches. You’ve just been recruited to the Order of Eden.” The woman’s face would have been pretty if it were not for the long jagged scar on her cheek that went from her temple to her jaw. Otherwise, the medium length blonde hair and chocolate brown eyes would have been attractive.
Your DP: What does Sasha do? Run? Try to overpower this... person? Talk her into letting her do something and then run? Something else?
_________________
© 2007-2019 Lilith
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Andolyn
Mayor's Ambassador
Joined: 18 Apr 2011
Topics: 20
Posts: 852
Location: sitting barefoot in a tree in the beautiful land of Ardara, writing my tales...
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Fri Sep 23, 2011 9:15 pm Post subject: |
|
|
that was AWESOME!! very fast paced, but still very easy to follow.
call me a sap...but i wanna know how our man's doing at the moment. i'd ignore the woman for just a sec...frankly i'd be a little pissed & curious...so i'd check on my man friend first. make sure he's alive, then ask her what the heck's going on. lol!
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Thunderbird
Elder
Joined: 13 Sep 2009
Topics: 104
Posts: 2139
Location: Rising from the ashes
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Tikanni Corazon
Honored Citizen
Joined: 25 Oct 2009
Topics: 75
Posts: 1286
Location: Running through the plains of my mind, my wolf spirit at my side (but doing so in the UK!).
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 25, 2011 12:57 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Wow, Lil! I love that jump straight into the action!
I'm really, really wanting to know what that...thing is. A huge blob of 'animated acid' as Luke put it, with a mind of it's own too, by the seems of things. The ability to choose to retreat or give chase...one wonders where the origins of such a thing will lie. Is it going to be a scientific experiment gone wrong, or one that is doing exactly as told, and for some as yet unknown reason, has been ordered to destroy Sasha's motel and the woman herself. Or are its origins something different entirely? I can't wait to find out.
Dp-wise...Considering what's just happened, with the blob, and the motel being wrecked, and now the sudden appearance of this mysterious woman just waltzing in and acting like she owns the place, I think Sasha would likely snap, and want a few answers. She's just been recruited into the Order of Eden, which she likely knows absolutely zip about, has no idea what she'll be expected to do there...I think she should refuse until she's given a good reason to do otherwise...aka - an explaination.
Fab chappie, Lil! Looking forward to 3!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Tikanni Corazon
Honored Citizen
Joined: 25 Oct 2009
Topics: 75
Posts: 1286
Location: Running through the plains of my mind, my wolf spirit at my side (but doing so in the UK!).
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 26, 2011 12:46 am Post subject: |
|
|
Aaaand Stickied!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Thunderbird
Elder
Joined: 13 Sep 2009
Topics: 104
Posts: 2139
Location: Rising from the ashes
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sat Oct 01, 2011 10:12 am Post subject: |
|
|
I really did like this chapter. Clearly, this was a classic Black Ooze but seeing it in a modern setting was rather unique.
I have an inquisitive mind, myself, and as a result I'd see the arrival of this newcomer as little more than a possible source of answers to the questions that would be burning in my thoughts right now... WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT THING??? And why did it just attack MY business??? And why do you have to come out swinging like that? Haven't we evolved into beings that can communicate or are you even human? Wait... are you? I mean... who are YOU anyhow???
_________________
CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Guest
Items
|
| Posted: Sat Oct 22, 2011 1:11 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Well hun someone broke your poll, and it wasn't me...
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Chapter |
Lilith
Honored Citizen
Joined: 10 Feb 2007
Topics: 82
Posts: 1597
Location: Happily curled up in a Daemon's lap
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Tue Nov 01, 2011 7:29 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Chapter 3: Marked?
Sasha set her jaw and glared at the blonde woman standing in front of her, glancing past her and at Luke’s prone form. “What did you do to him?” She demanded between clenched teeth, barely restraining the anger and venom in her voice. The woman smiled, but it didn’t exactly have a calming effect on Sasha’s nerves. If her teeth had been sharpened to points? That would have been the proper effect that the woman’s smile had on Sasha.
“He’s only knocked out, and what do you care? Is he your boyfriend or something?” Blondie taunted her with that unnerving smirk plastered over her face. She wore black leather trousers that weren’t exactly tight, but they weren’t loose enough to catch any of the nails that protruded from the damaged walls of the motel. Her top was a black sweater as well, a silver emblem on the right side of the chest, but Sasha couldn’t make it out from where she was. The sweater’s material looked like it might be cashmere, and the cliché cloaked robe that the blonde woman wore was a very fine silk, carefully dyed black, of course.
Sasha tore her envious eyes away from the blonde’s clothing to snap out a response, perhaps with more venom than she intended, clutching Cory to her chest as she stepped sideways around the other woman, the cat mewing at her in protest of her tight grip. “No, but he’s not exactly my enemy, I don’t really think knocking out the first person you come across is polite either.” Just as Cory finally squirmed free of his mistress’s firm grip and started padding towards the newcomer, Sasha moved. She darted around the other woman and stumbled through the wreckage and debris of her floor towards Luke’s prone form, her hand reaching out and slapping itself on the side of his neck.
The other woman just laughed at her, a rich deep sound that matched her voice as she spun to follow Sasha’s progress across the room, waiting with one fist propped up on her hip. “So you don’t trust me? Alright then, go head, check him. I’ve got time.” She leaned back against an undamaged portion of Sasha’s bedroom wall and watched with her arms folded across her chest.
As Sasha leaned down and pressed the fingers of her right hand to Luke’s throat, Cory squirmed loose from her grip and padded over to the woman at the wall. “No, he’s not.” Sasha asked slowly, her eyes still cold and calculating as she clutched her cat tighter to her chest, who mewed plaintively; he was curious as to who this newcomer was and if they were playmates or not. Sasha breathed a sigh of relief as she felt the steady pump of blood under her fingers, but the color soon drained from her face as she looked up and spotted Cory sitting back on his hind legs and putting is front ones on the blonde woman’s knees, mewing to be picked up and petted.
“Cory, come here, boy.” Sasha said as she stood back up, reaching her arm out for her cat.
“Oh you have no need to worry about your feline friend here, my dear. I like cats better than I do people. Must be an animal instinct.” The blonde woman smirked at Sasha as she picked Cory up and started scratching under his chin and she was rewarded by a purring sound that rivaled the decibel level of a Harley Davidson.
Sasha sniffed derisively and reached down to slap Lucas’s face, trying to get him to wake up. “Not exactly a great skill set, not being people friendly, no wonder you knocked him out cold for no reason at all.” She snapped as her efforts did nothing and she stood up, making a slight growling sound in her frustration. Sasha shot a glance at the woman still holding her cat and scratching his neck, who was apparently enjoying it, from the closed eyes and purring sound she could hear across the room.
Blondie chuckled and petted and stroked that cat in her arms. “You know, I don’t believe you that he’s not your boyfriend. No self-respecting woman would show that much concern for a man if she wasn’t sleeping with him.”
Sasha shot the woman a dirty look in response. “He’s not my boyfriend. He’s a bank branch manager I was hoping to work over and get a loan from. Why is that any of your business?” She growled under her breath.
“It’s not my job to coddle people who end up getting in the way. My boss told me to bring the lot of you in, and men tend to irritate me. I find that the urge to cheese grate my ears off is less when they are unconscious if I’m transporting them.” The blonde woman added with a smirk at Sasha as Cory butted his little head against her hand gently, insisting she pet him again.
“It’s too bad I already called the police when that thing was attacking my building.” Sasha snapped, leaning back against the back of the sofa, watching the woman with a murderous look. “And they should have you into custody very soon, bitch”
Before Sasha knew what was happening, Cory was on the floor on all fours, looking curiously at both her and the blonde woman, who’d crossed across the room faster than a blink and had Sasha’s hair gripped tightly in one hand, hauling back so Sasha’s back arched painfully, being forced to look up at the blonde woman. “I’d watch who you smart off to when I get you back to base. Impudence and lack of discipline are not tolerated well, Miss Carter. As it stands, I know you’re lying about the police, your pupils contracted while you were speaking.”
Sasha’s eyes widened and she glared up at her captor who retaliated by cruelly pulling harder back on her scalp. “How the hell do you know my name and how did you see from across the room?” She hissed between clenched teeth, her blue eyes fixed on the brown ones above her.
The blonde woman smiled nastily and leaned forward to whisper in Sasha’s ear. “My friends have nicknamed me, Hawk-Eyes for a reason, Miss Carter. You’ll find out why soon enough.” She hissed, almost snake-like into Sasha’s ears, just before bringing her elbow to the back of her skull.
*** *** *** *** *** **** *** *** ***
Sasha groaned as she opened her eyes slowly. She was in a round room made of what appeared to be cement or concrete or some other industrial building substance. Her head was pounding from that blow the blonde woman had inflicted and she reached back to touch the spot, wincing as she found it and pain lanced through her again.
“Damn, where are we?” Luke’s voice rumbled from behind her, groggy and slow as he sat up. Sasha turned around and knelt down beside him.
“I don’t know Luke, are you okay?” She whispered to him, her hand squeezing his shoulder tightly and her voice very concerned.
He groaned as he sat up again, rubbing his head slowly. “I’m alright, Sash, I’ve just a minor headache that will clear up when I’ve had a couple shots of morphine.”
Sasha tried to give a weak smile but she faltered and looked away from Luke, peering at the single door in the room, made of heavy steel with a small window in the upper portion with bars slicing across it.
There was a pair of eyes peering through the gaps of the small window, and this pair wasn’t the brown color of the blonde woman’s. They were blue and the person they belonged to chuckled darkly. “Well, the prodigal child comes home.”
Sasha stood up quickly and stared back at the pair of eyes through the window, walking forward quickly and gripping the metal handle. “Who are you? What do you mean? Let us out!” She shouted, pounding her fist against the door soundly.
The chuckle deepened and the female on the other side of the door shook her head. “You don’t remember the night we were at your parents ten years ago, do you Miss Carter?” The eyes fixated on Sasha and pierced her with their icy gaze.
“What? What do you mean? You’re the ones who broke in? Why? And what does it matter?” Sasha snapped, slamming her palm against the door firmly.
“Yes, and we broke in to reclaim the refuge you checked in. Our Catarínn? The woman that you reported as missing the next morning?” Blue-eyes whispered through the window, hissing quietly at Sasha. “But she provided you as her replacement when you were old enough. Which you are now, Miss Carter. You belong to the Order of Eden now, and you have for a long time.”
Sasha froze in response, fear flooding her veins as she reached back and touched that spot on her shoulder blade that she’d had since that night. The brand or tattoo that bleed through her skin whenever she was upset or angry. “The mark… my shoulder… you did that, didn’t you?” She whispered, dreading the answer while she backed away.
“Yes, that’s exactly right. That Mark we can track anywhere and whenever you want. I’ll leave you with your thoughts, Miss Carter. Marianne will be here after awhile to speak with you, and your man there, in person. And your cat is currently taking a nap with a few other felines that are in our base.” The woman gave wave and strode off down the hallway, her shoes making a distinct clicking sound, telltale that she was walking heel-toe.
“What the hell, Sasha? Why do these people want you? Did you know about this?” Luke asked her angrily from the floor, seeming to glare at her.
Sasha, however, was backing away from the door as quickly as possible, sliding down the wall to sit on the floor.
So what is Sasha going to do? Yell for help? Try to pick the lock? Inspect things?
_________________
© 2007-2019 Lilith
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Vikas Muralidharan
Respected Citizen
Joined: 29 Aug 2010
Topics: 30
Posts: 600
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2011 2:08 am Post subject: |
|
|
Glad I caught this, before it was way tooo late 
Amazing writing, Lilith. I do like this story so far and am looking forward to seeing more. I have no idea why Luke is angry with Sasha though. From the looks of it, the realization's just hit her, right?
As for the DP, I dont think there's any point in trying to escape. IMO, Sasha should just tell Luke everything she knows and remembers from "that night". It might be useful info for us readers too
_________________
Vikas Muralidharan
Be sure to read HATE in Romance section
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Thunderbird
Elder
Joined: 13 Sep 2009
Topics: 104
Posts: 2139
Location: Rising from the ashes
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Andolyn
Mayor's Ambassador
Joined: 18 Apr 2011
Topics: 20
Posts: 852
Location: sitting barefoot in a tree in the beautiful land of Ardara, writing my tales...
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2011 7:13 pm Post subject: |
|
|
LOVED it Lil!!
ima say we try to escape...as Vikas said earlier, there's probably not much point...but it would at least let us have a look around.
cant wait to see more!!
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Vishal Muralidharan
Respected Citizen
Joined: 24 Aug 2010
Topics: 24
Posts: 867
Location: City Of IF!
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Tue Nov 08, 2011 8:24 am Post subject: |
|
|
No... but you have a new reader
Terrific story you're putting together Lilith. Very entertaining, and funny at parts too. Awesome work
I'm going with my bro on this one. Not much point trying to escape, and we ain't gonna get far either, seeing that we've been branded. Just tell everything you know to Lucas (Who incindently has the name of the guy who was supposedly killed by Catarínn... Just a thought ). We are going to be partners for the rest of this ordeal anyway.
_________________
The eyes are useless if the mind is blind.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Vishal Muralidharan
Respected Citizen
Joined: 24 Aug 2010
Topics: 24
Posts: 867
Location: City Of IF!
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 3:59 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Lilith wrote: |
*squeals happily* It just made my day that you noticed that Vishal! |
Yeah.. I used a similar intro in another story, outside of IF
_________________
The eyes are useless if the mind is blind.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
