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Alegria
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 Posted: Sat May 21, 2005 9:26 am Post subject: |
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Sojourner's Journey
Chapter 4
Secrets
Ouran looked out the window. He had not told the girl about his dream, but he had told the others. Zantos perceived it as a sign. Brishma thought it was a dream. Ouran didn't know what to think. It was the next day, and he would be meeting the President to invite him personally to the Winter Solstice’s Festival in the city. Atlantis, that's what the city was. It kind of made sense. They had hidden it from time to time underneath the sea. It was also on an island in the middle of the Atlantic. Before they came back, there had been accidents. The most famous was the Mary Celeste. All the people had been killed, in all actuality.
Victims of the Parasites.
The city was also criss-crossed with canals. Like Venice. But the city was so different than the beautiful Italian city. It was beautiful too, but in its own way. Like the mountains and the rainforest are both beautiful, but in a different way.
Ouran's wanderings of the mind were interrupted by Brishma. Brishma was a man of little words, and all he said was, "Sir, the President is here."
Time to meet the President
***
Alyssa sat at home, being reprimanded by her Aunt. "And if you sneak off one more time, I'll ground you so fast that you won't know which way your room is!"
Alyssa's mother had died in a mysterious accident, just moment after passing life on to Alyssa. Alyssa never really asked, it made her depressed. She listened and then said the one thing to make her Aunt stop, "I'm going to be late for school."
Her mother's sister sighed. "All right, take the bus."
***
Alyssa waited at the bus stop, wind whipping her hair. Why had she been stupid enough to sneak out? She had almost gotten herself and the Sojourner killed. What was his name? Ouran that was it. What a pretty name.
In the random thoughts which our mind so usually makes without our consent, Alyssa had wandered onto the street. She was brought out of her revelries with a loud honking sound. She was going to die, she knew it. All of the sudden, her eyes flashed, and a mark on her forehead glowed. A mark of a crescent moon inside a sun with an eight-pointed star. She was a cheerleader, but nothing explained the ten-foot flip she did over the car, or how she stopped the next car in its tracks.
***
Zantos had seen the entire spectacle. He had gone to find out more about the girl, and seeing this gave him a huge piece of information. The girl, Alyssa, was part Rinosian. He decided to confront her. She looked at him strangely, and he said only one thing. "Did you know you're part Rinosian?"
***
The priest had given Alyssa all she wanted to think about for the day. She ran back into the house and confronted her Aunt. "Why didn't you tell me I was part Rinosian."
Her aunt was a bad liar, and this time she was no better. "I never knew."
"Yes you did, tell me everything."
Her Aunt sighed and made up her mind, "Sit down, Alyssa, and hear the story of your mother's death."
Alyssa sat, very creeped out indeed.
"Your mother was a pro-Rinosian activist. The Rinosians have endured prejudice ever since the rest of the tribes left, and she almost sent it toppling over the edge. She married a Rinosian, and became pregnant with you. Even while stuck in her room, she was thinking. She had this idea of a huge Rinosian revolt, to earn their respect. I realized that if she did this, thousand of people would be killed in the following fighting. The Sojourner at the time agreed with me, but your mother would never give up. After she recovered from having you, she would go in secret to an arsenal and kill the guard there, dressed as a Rinosian. That would start it all," Her voice faltered over the next sentence, "To prevent this disaster from occurring, I waited until you were born, and then snuck into her room and I.... I killed her. Is it so wrong to kill one if it is to save thousands?"
Decision Point
How does Alyssa react?
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ethereal_fauna
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| Posted: Sat May 21, 2005 11:40 am Post subject: |
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Loving the new avatar, Alegria. I'll comment on the latest chapter momentarily...
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Alegria
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| Posted: Sat May 21, 2005 1:14 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks, got to love it (I mean the avatar)
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| Posted: Sun May 22, 2005 4:42 am Post subject: |
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I felt you could have added more detail into the chapter. It ran as quickly as the recent Star Wars films, leaving too much of the storyline on the cutting room floor. 
Embellish a little more on the next chapters to make the world clearer. Other than that, the plot is shaping up nicely with an uprising on the horizon possible. I don't think Alyssa is going to react well to this news. Even though she loves her aunt (I'm sure) I think the militant spirit of her mother is going to manifest itself in her, and with powers of her own mind that she little understands, Alyssa is going to kill her aunt.
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ethereal_fauna
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| Posted: Sun May 22, 2005 4:43 am Post subject: |
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Grrrr... that was me.  Forgot to login.
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| Posted: Sun May 22, 2005 5:23 am Post subject: |
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Yes, i think she will react badly, but I don't think she's the kind of person to kill her aunt.
I liked Episode III, by the way, have you seen it?
by the way, I've been wondering, what color font do you use?
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| Posted: Sun May 22, 2005 6:12 am Post subject: |
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I loved Ep 3!
And i think Fauna uses teal. By the way I feel that you change the POV too often. Keep it with one character for sometime. Be mindful of your feelings but don't let them dictate you.
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| Posted: Sun May 22, 2005 6:43 am Post subject: |
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Indeed my font color is teal, a lovely blue-green hue that reminds me of my daughter's eyes.
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Alegria
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| Posted: Tue May 24, 2005 4:36 pm Post subject: |
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Now that I know what color that is, I am happy.
As for the change in POV, that may need to continue until the two people (Ouran and Alyssa) can be put in the same place at the same time. I know this chapter had a lot. Please bear with me.
As for suggestions.... as I said, I do not think Alyssa would be one to kill her Aunt. If I was in that situation, I would run to someone. But who?
And, Muabib, you're going to nominate the story for June, right?
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| Posted: Wed May 25, 2005 12:56 am Post subject: |
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Hey Alegria, 
An interesting twist in your latest chapter that has set you up nicely for a proper story now.
It's good to see your ideas starting to come together. You obviously knew a lot of the details from the beginning, and whist it was a struggle at first, you seem to be settling into your writing more and now we are understanding much better.
Ethereal is right, that last chapter could have gone into more detail, maybe for perhaps twice as long - but that doesn't matter now, you have plenty more chapters to practice on.
I don't think Alyssa would kill her aunt either. But that shouldn't mean she doesn't. What if she gets really angry - I mean, really, really angry - and then some more of her unknown powers manifest themselves resulting in the unintentional killing of her aunt - the source of her anger. I think that would have many useful implications for the rest of the story - how will she deal with anger in the future? Will she follow in her mums footsteps, or will the unexpected murder of her aunt cool her temper and let her find her own way? How will she go about mastering these out-of-control powers?
I look forward to your next chapter, and also love the new avatar
Happy Writing. 
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| Posted: Fri May 27, 2005 1:40 pm Post subject: |
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Well, maybe.
nice avatar Ethereal!
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Muaddib
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| Posted: Fri May 27, 2005 4:11 pm Post subject: |
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| I am going to nominate you for June, but you have to promise not to let your characters wander off. I mean look at Thorns and Steel, what a great story! and the focus is only on two people.
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| Posted: Sat May 28, 2005 6:37 am Post subject: |
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I promise!!
Wait, what do you mean by wander off?
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| Posted: Sat Jun 04, 2005 5:44 am Post subject: |
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Do you mean I can't get off subject?
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| Posted: Sat Jun 04, 2005 7:16 am Post subject: |
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| nope dont worry about it...too much pot. I nominated you by the by
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| Posted: Tue Jun 07, 2005 7:04 am Post subject: |
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Thanks.
Anyway, I was thinking she would run away. If it were me, I'd get out of there. But where to run to?
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| Posted: Sat Jun 11, 2005 7:08 am Post subject: |
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Hello? Anyone here?
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| Posted: Sat Jun 11, 2005 7:28 am Post subject: |
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| Alegria wrote: | | Hello? Anyone here? |
Echo-o-o!
I stand by my original inclination; the Aunt must die by my hands, I will make her pay...
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| Posted: Wed Jun 15, 2005 6:47 am Post subject: |
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Good, now all we have to do is get Muadib or Smee to vote, we need to break the tie.
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| Posted: Wed Jun 15, 2005 7:36 am Post subject: |
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| I chose to kill her aunt intentionally. I dont get how she can choose to kill her unintentionally. We're supposed to vote on the characters actions, not make up the story.
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| Posted: Wed Jun 15, 2005 8:15 am Post subject: |
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Starts reading - my vote will follow shortly
*realises has already read it, just didn't vote*
As Muaddib has pointed out, the unintentional killing idea I had was too much story writing and not thinking of Alyssa's action.
So therefore I vote for running to Taylors house - she needs somewhere to think and get her head sorted. A friend is what she needs.
Happy Writing
EDIT:
Oh no - I've just evened it out again - sorry Alegria, I try and vote without looking at the results so to give a fair vote, but it seems to have not helped in this case. Hopefully someone else will appear and vote
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Last edited by Smee on Wed Jun 15, 2005 8:28 am; edited 3 times in total
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| Posted: Wed Jun 15, 2005 8:22 am Post subject: |
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Smee, if you choose run to Taylor's house, we'll have to hook another reader.
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| Posted: Thu Jun 16, 2005 9:33 am Post subject: |
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Who made the fifth vote?
Don't be shy!
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| Posted: Tue Jun 21, 2005 7:21 am Post subject: |
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Voting is now officially over. I'm working on the next chapter. It will probably be done by the first week of July.
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| Posted: Tue Jun 21, 2005 11:03 am Post subject: |
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Should I delete the poll then?
Happy Writing
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| Posted: Thu Jun 23, 2005 7:41 am Post subject: |
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Yes, Please do. Hey, my B-day was Yesterday!
I got an I-Pod Mini
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| Posted: Thu Jun 23, 2005 7:59 am Post subject: |
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Happy Birthday!
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| Posted: Thu Jun 23, 2005 9:01 am Post subject: |
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Poll deleted.
I hope you had a good birthday - an I-Pod mini is a cool present.
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| Posted: Fri Jun 24, 2005 6:58 am Post subject: |
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Yeah, i've already got 93 songs. It is awesome!!!
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| Posted: Tue Jun 28, 2005 6:57 am Post subject: |
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133 right now, actually!
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| Posted: Tue Jun 28, 2005 7:32 am Post subject: |
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HAPPY BITHDAY!!!!!
I POD -NICE!!!!!!! Im stuck on a Phillips Rush
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| Posted: Wed Jun 29, 2005 11:26 am Post subject: |
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Well, that's good too.
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| Posted: Sat Jul 02, 2005 6:38 am Post subject: |
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Just got the new Coldplay CD on it too.
Thanks for all the votes in SGOTM every1!
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