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DeadManWalking
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 Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:07 pm Post subject: |
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Poll is now up.
I would've put in another option, but the one's you gals came up with were the only ones i thought of beforehand if i needed to add extra options.
I guess great minds think alike.
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FatHairyApe
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| Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 7:24 pm Post subject: |
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| Ahhh sorry it took so long for me to read it but I love ittttttttttttt! Definitely reading it from now on.
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TruePurple
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| Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 11:16 pm Post subject: |
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1.
I have issues with this sentence "Many of the workers, stuck in their little cubicles, many floors down, liked to believe that they would kill for that view." Too many commas. The second one after cubicles can be eliminated for sure I think. Also it doesn't make sense that they would like to believe they would kill for that view, who would want to think of themselves as potential murderers for office space? Maybe the mystery guy in the tower or who ever likes to believe that many would kill for that view. But thats not how it reads to me.
2. How come he waited and watched as that home was invaded? That made no sense to me.
3. I gather from latter reading that the reason half of it written in italics is that first part written from a different perspective. But this is not made clear.
Likewise latter on when you introduce us to Martin Cawthon, you switch to Markell, then back to Martin the next paragraph. The bit on Markell is long enough for one to think you are still talking about Markell in the next paragraph. I had to read it back a few times to know that wasn't the case.
It would be nice if you threw in a few descriptors of whos talking or doing something. For speech I describe the nature of the voice, like "Martin said lethargically" and so on. You can do something similar with actions. Just bits of reminders whos speaking or whos perspective it is. When your changing perspectives this is especially important. Maybe you can work the name of the person that has the current perspective at the start of every new perspective?
4. I did find he defeated them all too easy in the first bit. Taking out countless wizing bullets and a hulking form with ease. It was what turned me off initially from reading this story more.
5.You describe "blood evaporating from his still hot hand". The water in the blood could evaporate, but then that would just leave a cake of very hard dried on blood.
Read through chapter two, but I need to go. I will read more latter.
P.S. I do notice noone took issue with any of these things..including our resident english professor Fats. Well too bad. Maybe I'm full of hot air, but I call em as I see em.
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DeadManWalking
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| Posted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 1:44 pm Post subject: |
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Hello TP! Thanks for the comments.
If you'll actually notice tho, Lordy (or someone, I THINK it was lordy) did take issue with the ease of the attack.
And perhaps he doesn't know exactly what the figures are doing when they break into the house, and he wants to know what exactly they are looking for,
Also, the first one, you perhaps take too literally.
For the third, i see a problem, and will endeavor to fix such problems in the future,
And lastly, for the fifth, perhaps his hand is hot enough that it vaporizes the non water components in the blood?
Even if it doesn't work, it is a cool image.
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TruePurple
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| Posted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 8:33 pm Post subject: |
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I can't think of a figurative way to take #1 though. Or put another way.
The part "liked to believe that" doesn't seem to serve any purpose. "would probably/might/would kill for that view" could work.
Or "I/he likes to believe many of the workers stuck in their cubicle many floors down, would kill for that view"
#2, Maybe not exactly, but how could he have any doubt it was anything but bad in general and more specifically bad for those living there?
#5, No it doesn't really work. (unless this character was superman or something) I also have a disdain for roleplaying or story making with "cool factor" playing a role. But thats a personal preference. It doesn't really effect the plot directly so eh..(but sometimes such things can unexpectedly) But beyond it not working mechanically, it might be better for the protagonists characterization/depth if he had to deal with the blood on his hands, figuratively and literally.
Yeah I did misspeak with my P.S., I had noticed others had commented on #4 as well.
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DeadManWalking
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| Posted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 9:21 am Post subject: |
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Well I've took another look at 1 and i realize i may have typed Believe instead of Say.
So they liked to SAY that.
My bad. I'll be fixing that soon.
for number 2, perhaps he doesn't feel that the people's lives are the most important thing?
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TruePurple
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| Posted: Fri Oct 17, 2008 11:14 pm Post subject: |
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. . . . Ah, so that bit after the italics in the prologue were the dream that is mentioned in chapter 1? Nothing in the prologue suggests anything he would be mourning.
| Quote: | | No, there are no reports of any public events where the CEO is exposed, no there are not reports of any other major people either and no, there are no people that need a hero to swoop in and save them. |
. . . . So insurgency is out there to protect people from the corporation. And Ray strongly believes in the mission of the insurgency. Not to mention he was on a specific mission to protect/get this baby. So it seems unlikely that he would sit on his hands for so long.
. . . . You say it was to wait till he knew more. But he didn't know much more after things happened then before.
. . . . Why would Martin bring Markell and this lantern on board but not people above suspicious like the leader & the hacker? For that matter if Markell is willing to believe a "founding father" could be a traitor, why couldn't it just as well be Martin? Just because Martin told him about it doesn't mean he can't be the traitor as well. What better way to point a finger in the wrong direction too.
. . . . With all this talk of infiltration... It seems it would be easier for the resistance to infiltrate with people the corporation then visa vera. The amount of infiltration without explanation is stretching credibility a bit. Especially with any part of the resistance still functioning. I mean not only is it unlikely for that much infiltration, but I doubt there would be any part of the resistance left.
. . . . With everyone in the world having powers, why hasn't it occurred to them that someones powers could be behind the leak of information? Someone with the ability to skry(see/hear things from a distance) or , the ability to see/hear through someone else without them knowing, or the ability to take over people, or the ability to implant subliminal messages, or disguise themselves convincingly as someone else, or the ability to read minds, who works for the corporation. Who's not even a spy/implant him/herself.
. . . . Perhaps that's why Ray has both total black & pink, somethings been done to him where hes not always himself.
. . . . Though so far mind type powers haven't been seen in the story. Which is just as well. But then, it would be a reasonable explanation for things too.
. . . . If its not one of those things then Sieme would be their best bet for finding traitors. Assuming she can be trusted and protected well enough. Which I'm sure you well know.
. . . . If I were Markell, I'd want to tell people of Mammon's power so they can help him with it. I would at least want to tell Marmmon. In case he didn't know (but tell at least one other person in case something happened to me in telling Mermmon)
. . . . Um, why are the first two poll options identical? They were so great they deserved to be listed twice?
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Adventures of John Chapter 2. I am working to update chapter 1 before I close poll and write chapter 3.
Last edited by TruePurple on Sat Oct 18, 2008 3:38 pm; edited 1 time in total
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DeadManWalking
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| Posted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 1:40 pm Post subject: |
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*sigh*
*just got back from taking a rather long standardized test, and doesn't feel like answering this huge post*
but i feel that the last two things should be addressed.
simply to clear up confusion.
Markell remembers nothing about Mammon's powers.
And the poll thing was simply a mistake.
for some reason my comp was acting up, meaning that i couldn't see all the poll options, and after much frustration i felt that additional tries would be counterproductive, as my head would have exploded and then no one would be there to post the next chappie.
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| Posted: Mon Oct 20, 2008 7:32 am Post subject: |
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I believe the last poll is the best. I really like this chapter.  It's a bit evil what sieme did, but I'd understand if she was out of bullets or didn't try shooting under the guard's armor close to his stomach, where there'd normally be a small way to get a bullet there or under his arm. Funny tough she chose to kick him...  Second poll choice would be best( actaully the third).
If I should give evidence, I'd say it has to be someone ... Lets see the High founding father (eldar)? If the person Markell is going to objects to the proof, I don't know where he got proof idea, eventaully you'd have to do everything on your own... Nothing is solved until the person accepts he was part of it.
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DeadManWalking
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| Posted: Sat Oct 25, 2008 5:58 pm Post subject: |
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And poll is closed with Proof that one of the Founders is a traitor.
will start writing very soon.
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DeadManWalking
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| Posted: Tue Nov 25, 2008 7:52 pm Post subject: |
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And here we are with the next chappie.
I apologize for my tardiness, both in the writing of said chappie and in the fulfilling of the poll earlier.
(btw, i realized that i didn't actually write down which plan of the three won. But i'm pretty sure it was this one. But i could be wrong.)
Chap V
Markell snuck through the forest, unaware of the way the rays from the sun sprang through the branches and were split into fragments, barely aware of roots that reached up to trip the unwary, and the teammates that crept several yards to his left.
I have proof that one of the Founders of our cause is a traitor.
Markell thought back to the meeting in the hall, only three days before the tournament had ended and the graduation test had begun.
Three days? It had seemed like an eternity.
Markell continued walking through enemy territory, a colored disc tucked beneath his arm. The “Bomb”. The whole purpose of this test.
This was a training game that they often played, to encourage teamwork and strategy. Usually played with two teams of five. Each side got three bombs. The purpose of the game was to get one of your three bombs into the other side’s base. If you did, the game was over.
Markell’s team usually consisted of Banth, Naima, Leo, and Stifle.
Today, his team consisted of the entire class of new recruits, fifty or so in all.
Their opponents was the Council, made up of the remaining Founders and important fighters who had risen through the ranks.
…one of the Founders…
The rules were simple. If the Council won, everyone failed. If the Council lost, then data from the suits would be observed and the graduates chosen. It wasn’t just who survived, if you sacrificed yourself to help the team’s strategy, that was a plus. If you survived by staying up in a tree and doing nothing, that was bad.
Markell froze as he heard his “squad”, his usual team yell.
He walked over slowly, and met the sight of all four of his friends down on the ground, paralyzed. He watched as a blonde figure stepped into the clearing, his armor painted with stripes of color to mimic the light streaming through the branches.
He held a short-barreled machine pistol, and on his back, a sniper rifle was slung.
Markell held his breath as he edged past, despite the fact that his powers were shielding him from notice.
This was Simon Aaron, the only member currently in the Council that was not a Founder.
Markell let out a breath as Simon walked past, hunting for more recruits.
Simon was one of the more combat oriented of the Council, rising quickly through repeated displays of battle prowess and military strategy.
The only Council who saw more skirmishes than he were Karli and Ray.
Markell hurried onwards, consulting his mental map.
He was getting close.
If Mian had been right, and she usually was, the Council’s strategy was this:
They would break up into three groups.
Karli, Noah, and Chahad would stay to guard the base.
Ray, Aaron Anderson, and Victoria would go for the recruits’ base. They were using only one bomb force, a strategy that worked well here simply because the Council was better trained, more powerful, and more experienced than almost all the recruits. They could concentrate a lot more power into one spot.
Simon would do what he did best and play the lone wolf, seeking out squads of recruits and taking them down.
Martin was missing from this strategy. He claimed to be feeling sick.
Markell knew better.
He had been shocked at first at Martin’s statement. He felt the anger rising up inside him like bile, and had to be quieted to stop others from noticing.
Than Martin told him what he had to do, and to whom, and real bile rose.
Markell arrived at the spot.
He bent, picked up the small, almost unnoticeably bag that waited for him.
He unzipped it slowly, dreading what was inside.
He reached in, withdrew the pistol, checked the clip, his hands working on automatic now that he had passed the point of no return.
He consulted his mental map again, found the enemy’s base in relation to the drop-off point.
After he had finished retching, Martin had patted him on the back, told him this was the right thing to do, that it needed to be done. No one would believe if Martin simply told them, the proof, it could be doctored. He might be accused of being the traitor instead!
No, much better to do things this way. It was much cleaner this way. No messy trial, no possibility to escape.
An end.
And then Martin’s eyes had widened and somewhere in the time Markell had looked back to see only Sieme and Naima, he had disappeared.
He arrived at the Council’s base, where his target was.
Noah sat crosslegged, his eyes closed. Chahad sat beside him, a glow surrounding him that touched Noah.
Karli lounged against a tree, her eyes staring off into space, her face troubled.
Even as Markell arrived, Noah looked up, glancing towards the space where he stood.
Markell concentrated on the thought of being unnoticed.
Noah said something to Chahad, and the glow grew.
Noah moved slightly to his right, and closed his eyes again.
Markell held his breath.
Noah looked right at him, but then shrugged and spoke again to Chahad. The glow lessened again.
Karli stayed still as a statue.
After a second, she got up and walked over to the “base”, a metal basket next to Noah.
She paused.
Markell went forward, holding the gun up in shaking fingers.
She has to be killed.
Markell aimed the gun, the barrel pointing straight towards the back of Karli’s head.
An end.
His finger tightened on the trigger.
He had never killed before. Sure, he had done the training, but he never really killed anyone.
He hesitated.
And Karli, as if she could sense his gaze, turned her head, and for a moment his eyes stared directly into her unseeing ones.
And, like a flood, memories of times spent crashed into his frozen brain.
She had been overseeing the first training session he ever had. Over the claps of gunshots, she had yelled encouragement, advice to the five recruits.
When he had fallen behind after his older sister had died on a mission, she had been there to keep him going. She had made him go to extra training, kept him too busy to weep.
She was the only adult he really felt he could talk to, even is she was one of the people in charge.
She turned away and the memories left as with her gaze, the tide washing back into the sea of the past.
An end.
The gunshot echoed.
Noah and Chahad both looked up towards the source.
So did Karli.
Naima and some others rushed into the camp as a decoy attack, drawing attention away from Markell in a well-timed diversion.
Noah gaped in astonishment at the unexpected attack, something that should have been detected by his sonar.
Chahad turned, and the glow extended just as a blur of color closed in on him. The glow touched the blur and the speed increased, and the unlucky speedster, unused to his increased power, whizzed by the goal and knocked himself out on a tree.
Karli screamed, her sonic lances blocking out all noise around her in a blanketing wave of sound.
Because of this, neither the noise of the gun hitting the tree root or the sounds of running feet were noticed by anyone.
A Couple Days Later, after the Recruit’s Victory
Ray stood hunched over a list of names.
Their mission, dubbed The Bank Thingy by a rather grumpy Victoria (she really needed her morning coffee to get things going, and the use of three month old socks in the filter by a new recruit had taken that out as an option), was going into effect soon.
He just needed to choose the right people.
The right balance of skills would be essential.
Victoria was definitely in. Her power wasn’t too flashy, but it was extremely powerful nonetheless. The only drawback was that no one had ever recovered from it.
Markell would have been a nice addition. It was always nice to have someone no one on the other side noticed. But he’d been missing since the testing.
Bink would probably take his place. It was just as hard to stop an insubstantial man as it was to stop one you couldn’t see.
Noah would be there in spirit, of course. He provided the chips needed to hack into the system.
It would be useful to have Aaron Simon’s kind of power, but he was busy.
Karli would probably want in.
Perhaps Naima would be good. Despite being a fresh graduate, she was already one of the most powerful Insurgents. Although she had to work on discipline.
Come to think of it, he hadn’t seen her since a yesterday. And she was usually bouncing around.
Ray returned to his lists, shaking his head.
Not enough sleep was no excuse for a wandering concentration.
He added a couple more to his list, then decided to have Mammon come along.
It would be a good experience for him.
The Mission
Ray strode into the bank, his eyes hidden behind sunglasses and his hands hidden in the pockets of his dark trenchcoat. The scanners swept his body up and down, checking for hacker equipment or weapons.
He passed through security, ignoring the guards and went into the main area, where the rest of his team waited.
Bink had already entered the bank through an “alternate entrance” with Noah’s chips.
He checked to make sure each person was stationed where they should be, making sure as well that everyone was watching him.
He gave the room another sweep, then started to signal the start of the missi-
“EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE GROUND! THIS IS A ROBBERY! JUST STAY DOWN, AND NOBODY NEEDS TO GET HURT.”
Gunshots broke through the hustle of everyday transactions as Roy whirled to face the entrance. Several Masked members stood in the doorway, the letters ADF emblazoned on their vests in red.
Roy groaned. The ADF was the Anti-Discrimination Front, a group that was rapidly gaining notoriety. They fought against the “unfair advantages given to those born with different powers.” They had even bombed several companies rumored to discriminate.
And there was some discrimination. But it was practical. Different people could do different things.
The man in front yelled again.
“PEOPLE! I DON’T THINK YOU HEARD ME THE FIRST TIME! HIT THE GROUND!”
And here we are with the next DP.
What exactly should they do now?
A ridiculous coincidence has broken into their plan; a third side has been introduced into the fray.
How will our heroes react?
that's for YOU to decide.
(i decided to give a lot of freedom in that i intentionally didn't (i.e. was too lazy to) specify the powers of the other team members or their positions.)
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BlackAmaranth
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| Posted: Wed Nov 26, 2008 2:12 pm Post subject: |
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Hmm...can't really keep track of all the characters, but that's probably just me being inattentive. Anyway, they could just wait till the ADF robs the bank, then rob them themselves...if they're protesting the discriminating of powers then they're probably sucky fighters. Just a thought.
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TruePurple
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| Posted: Wed Nov 26, 2008 4:49 pm Post subject: |
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If proof can be doctored, then the unspecified "proof" that Markell got that Karli was a traitor could have been doctored. Anyways I'm sure true blues out number traitors with the founders, and the rebellion seems to mean more to them then any one of its members. Assuming any of them are traitors. So he should just bring this "proof" to them.
The whole thing is fishy and absurd from my perspective. Markell could be unknowingly working as a assassin for the corporation as far as he knows, due to his absurdly unwise decision making.
I like the second bit with the twist of the place being robbed just as they show up.
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Adventures of John Chapter 2. I am working to update chapter 1 before I close poll and write chapter 3.
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Phantomfan
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| Posted: Wed Nov 26, 2008 5:15 pm Post subject: |
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WOOOT!!!
Another chapter finally!!!
Nice job, as always.
Hmmm... dp.... I would say to hit the ground- pretend to go along with it.
But if they threaten people or start creating havoc or whatever, definately attack- if only in defense.
Great chapter though!
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Here's some stuff I started writing a long time ago. Orb. Nexus.
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| Posted: Sun Dec 07, 2008 11:05 am Post subject: |
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Yay new chapter!
I say fight them! It'd be protecting the civilians (unless of course some of them happened to get killed in the crossfire (*cough*killthem*cough*)).
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DeadManWalking
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| Posted: Thu Feb 05, 2009 6:37 pm Post subject: |
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Sorry peeps, but i think i'm gonna have to put this on hold, along with BPDR. I've got a lot of stuff going on at school, and inspiration is fleeting.
Apologies to my readers.
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