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Geek_girl72
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 Posted: Mon Mar 13, 2006 6:20 pm Post subject: |
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Oh, I'm also going to try to be in the chat around three tomorrow if anyone is interested in talking more at length about the story.
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Ravenwing
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| Posted: Mon Mar 13, 2006 7:17 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | Should the mystery of Hal's relationship to Henry be settled quickly, or is it better for the story to drag it out? |
Drag it out IMO. You want to keep the reader hanging, so try not to tie loose ends too fast.
You're only in Chapter 3, and I would consider it still in the early stages of the story. Gradually drop hints about the relationship as you reach the middle of the story. And then near the end you can formally declare what the relationship is all about.
But you're the author, so it is more of your decision of when and how you distribute the information you want to convey.
Cheers. 
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Geek_girl72
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| Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2006 1:37 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | Drag it out IMO. You want to keep the reader hanging, so try not to tie loose ends too fast. |
Ok, I just wondered if it was to tiresome to drag out longer, I didn't want to keep it up if that was the case : )
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Shady Stoat
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| Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2006 1:43 am Post subject: |
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Nope, I'm with Rave here. Let us fester and stew a little (I tend to fester and stew anyway, but enough of my personal habits). You're not getting tiresome at all, GeekGirl. I'm really enjoying this story and the way you tell it 
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Geek_girl72
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| Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2006 12:32 pm Post subject: |
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I was hoping that would be your response, I plan to add a lot in the fourth chapter about Henry, so the added mystery should complament it well.
Oh, and I'm putting in a shameless ad for another story of mine: Look for the first chapter of "I don't believe in Fate" really soon. : )
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But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!"
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Last edited by Geek_girl72 on Thu Mar 16, 2006 10:29 pm; edited 1 time in total
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| Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2006 12:42 pm Post subject: |
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Oops I missed a chapter. Great chapter and thanks for fixing the spacing
I agree Hal should get a peak at his mother to make sure she is alright and let the suspense build.
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| Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2006 7:27 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | You're good in a stew as well Shady.
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Do you mean "shady" stew? That sounds like something I wouldn't want to touch. Now "stoat" stew sounds good...*runs off to kill a stoat*
Of course "shady stoat" stew could be something hard to make. Where has that sneaky devil went off too?
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Geek_girl72
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| Posted: Wed Mar 15, 2006 9:47 pm Post subject: |
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Ok, I fixed the errors in 3 and the spacing in 2. Sorry I didn't make it to the chat yesterday, I had a suprise mid-term (Yeah, with THIS teacher it was actually a suprise) which of course is supper happy fun time... but I got through it.
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Ravenwing
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| Posted: Thu Mar 16, 2006 10:38 am Post subject: |
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I have heard of surprise quizzes and tests, but a midterm?? 
Good to hear you got through it unscathed, GG.
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| Posted: Mon Mar 20, 2006 2:52 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, so far the chocies seem to be: Go see his Mother, see her from a distance, or go get help.
Any other ideas before the poll goes up? I guess he might send Henry to do one while he does the other, but then again it might not be a good idea to be alone....
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| Posted: Tue Mar 21, 2006 9:32 am Post subject: |
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He should go see his Mother. For the same reasons , Shady gave in her post way up near the top of this page.
Feelings of worry will only be a distraction. The assurance that his mother is okay, I think will help him keep a cool mind through his journey.
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| Posted: Sun Mar 26, 2006 7:41 pm Post subject: |
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Sorry it took so long to put the poll up, I had a car break down and a flooded basement-on the same day- so my attention's been somewhat diverted. I'll run the poll for about a week and get the next chapter up as soon as I can. Also, I may have the first chapter for my other story up next week as well, I'm anxious to see what you think of "I don't believe in fate." too.
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| Posted: Sun Mar 26, 2006 8:22 pm Post subject: |
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Cast my vote
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| Posted: Mon Mar 27, 2006 4:56 am Post subject: |
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Added mine to the side with votes 
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| Posted: Mon Mar 27, 2006 5:00 am Post subject: |
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I know where everyone else's vote went....
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| Posted: Mon Mar 27, 2006 4:03 pm Post subject: |
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Like I said, it's easy to see where this poll is swinging.
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| Posted: Sat Apr 15, 2006 7:58 pm Post subject: |
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Ok, the results are in and Hal's going to find his mother, I let the poll run a little longer to make sur everyone got a chance to vote. I got a big school project going on right now so it might be about a week before I get the next chapter up, but things are really going to take off from here, so don't lose interest yet!
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| Posted: Sun Apr 16, 2006 1:56 am Post subject: |
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| I'm looking foward to it
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| Posted: Sun Apr 16, 2006 5:48 pm Post subject: |
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I await the next chapter then, GG.
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| Posted: Mon May 08, 2006 2:37 pm Post subject: |
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Sorry I've been gone so long, final exams, blah, blah,blah but it pretty much over now and I'll get the next chapter up as soon as possible.
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Ravenwing
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| Posted: Wed May 10, 2006 1:17 pm Post subject: |
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Sounds so happy, Lordy.
But yeah, I am understand what you mean. I just finished all my APs today, so now I get back to my regular schedule, and continue writing. Which reminds me, I better start writing Chapter 4 of Glassbreaker.
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Geek_girl72
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| Posted: Fri May 12, 2006 6:36 am Post subject: |
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Graduation day! Yahoo for me! (Does a little dance...very badly)
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| Posted: Fri May 12, 2006 3:58 pm Post subject: |
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| Geek_girl72 wrote: | | Graduation day! Yahoo for me! (Does a little dance...very badly) |
so write another chspetr! Im waiting.
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| Posted: Fri May 12, 2006 10:05 pm Post subject: |
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Woohoo!
Great story. No idea how I've been missing out on this one, but I love it! Great plot, absorbing world, good characters.
I want more soon. Looking forward to it.
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Abattoir Chapter 2!
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| Posted: Sun May 14, 2006 9:57 pm Post subject: |
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Congrats GG. My graduation is not for another two weeks.
So can you write that next chapter now?
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| Posted: Wed May 17, 2006 6:26 pm Post subject: |
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I'm putting the final touches on it now, I was stuck for a while becuase something seemed to be missing, but I think I've found the answer. with any luck it be as creepy as I'm going for and make the hair on the back of you necks stand on end.
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| Posted: Wed May 17, 2006 8:18 pm Post subject: |
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Few things scare me. We will have to see whether or not I actually will jump and hide in the broom closet for a few days. LOL.
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| Posted: Tue May 23, 2006 12:25 pm Post subject: |
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Chapter 4: Madness
I see in retrospect that I should have considered the question longer, but I did not have as much knowledge of my condition as I did very shortly later.
“I have to find my mother Henry; I will have no peace until I know she is alright.”
Henry sighed and hung his head, for a moment he seemed lost in his own thoughts, finally he looked at me with a sad sort of smile.
“You are definitely your father’s son kid. If you are determined to find Bella, I have an idea where she might be. There is a place she went to once when her…When things were going badly, If my memory is any good it’s about an hour’s journey from here.”
Henry hastily filled a couple of water-skins and we struck out eastward, my head spinning with the events of the last few hours. I think I aged more in that one day then the rest of my life combined. Even now in my old age, when the events of that time are as distant and hazy as a child-hood nightmare, I shudder at the recollection of my family’s dark past revealed to me. We traveled in silence, Henry still brooding over something, when a thought struck me.
“Henry?”
“What kid?”
“What happened to my father? How did he die? Mother never told me.”
Henry stopped mid stride, every muscle in his body tensed. He began to breathe quickly, like a man cornered by some well-known foe.
“You don’t want to know kid.”
“It had something to do with Kala, didn’t it?”
Henry closed his eyes, and his face twisted in pain. When he looked at me, there were the beginnings of tears in his eyes.
“If your mother saw fit not to tell you,” He labored out, “Far be it from me to do so.”
Henry didn’t speak another word until we reached the bank of a large river. He furrowed his brow and paced up and down the waters edge, searching for something with quiet frustration.
“Stay here for a moment kid, and keep yourself out of sight.”
With that he strode quickly up river, leaving me to try and make sense out of the puzzle he presented. He claimed he wasn’t my father, yet he held my mother in very high regard. He had fought my uncle in attempt to keep me safe, yet spoke to me with the utmost indifference, not even calling me by name if he could help it. Who or what was he? Why was he doing all this? What was it that haunted him? Why did he-
“Oh Haaaal…”
I jumped at the interrupting voice, Looking around for its source. It was deep, but singsong in tone, with something inexplicably menacing in its effect. My first thought was that I had been found out, but looking about me I saw not a soul.
“Oh HAAaal, it’s rude to ignore people.”
“Where are you?” I whispered, more then a little confused, the mysterious voice laughed in an insincere manner.
“Now that’s a little troublesome, we could have quite a nice debate on that…”
“Who are you?”
“Ah, I like that question better. I’m your friend Hal; you’d like a friend wouldn’t you? I think everyone needs a friend.”
By now I was becoming alarmed, I saw absolutely no one or anywhere they could be hiding within earshot, yet the voice continued.
“You’ve been through so much, poor little thing, you need someone to take care of you.”
“I have Henry.”
“Hehehe, you really are naive Hal, you have no idea who Henry is do you? You actually believe you life matters to him.”
“He risked his life to help me!”
“Help you? Why are you so sure of that? He’s whispered a bunch of lies to you about your family; cleverly made you think you’re safer with him, a self-professed scoundrel, then your own uncle. Why does he refuse to talk about your father? Or how he knows you mother?”
I felt a sinking sensation in my stomach, a vague dread was creeping over me, but whether it was this impossible voice or its insinuations I wasn’t sure. As if matching my mood, the clouds gathered over the sun, casting dark shadows unnatural for the time of day. A fierce wind rose up, creasing the surface of the stream and whipping the grass into a frantic pagan-like dance. My unaccountable dread blended with a dream-like feeling. My eyes began to flutter despite the fact that I was wide awake and I felt my whole body relaxing against my will. The voice continued in a soothing, mock-sympathetic tone.
“Poor Hal, you have no idea the trouble you’re in. I want to help you child, you will let me help you?”
“…If…if you want to help,” For some reason my mouth moved sluggishly, the words forming with difficulty. “Why wont you show yourself? Or tell me your name?” The voice laughed, all traces of sympathy gone. The vile laugh grew in volume till my ears rang with it and my head ached.
“So you want to see my form and call me by name? You will do both in time child, but not yet, not yet…”
The voice repeated the words over and over, calmly and soothingly again, but still retaining a sinister mirth that made my skin crawl. The darkness deepened, blotting out the sky and chocking the light of the sun. The wind became violent, throwing sand in my face and roaring with malignant fury. A panic as cold and bitter as ice seized me, I lost all sense of dignity or self-possession and cried out for Henry, my mother, anyone to run to and break the suffocating sense of loneliness in that terrible place. If you have ever awakened from a terrible nightmare, the kind that makes you shudder in spite of all reasonable knowledge that monsters don’t exist, and realized yourself to be alone in the house you will understand something of what I felt. How long this frantic search lasted I don’t know, but suddenly I felt a sharp pain on my face and realized I was being shaken violently. The image of that horrible landscape melted away in an instant and I saw Henry’s eyes glaring into mine in annoyance.
“Really Hal! If I thought you were the sort to fall asleep on watch I would have brought you with me. How do you expect to survive in spite of all we have to face if you can’t keep your eyes open for ten minutes at a time?”
I hardly noticed Henry’s words. I stood to my feet and looked about me, the sun was just as bright as ever, and there was not a breath of wind. The gentle rippling of the water calmed my jangled nerves a little. I breathed a sighed of unspeakable relief as I realized the whole thing had been a dream.
“Are you even listening?”
“Oh, I…I’m sorry Henry.”
“Well, nothing happened so don’t worry about it now. I think I’ve found the entrance to Bella’s hiding place, in a few moments you’ll be in a climate more safe for fatigue.”
Henry led me up stream about a hundred yards where the water ran much faster and waded in a few feet, testing the strength of the current against his own. Satisfied that the cool waters posed no serious threat, he waded back and beckoned me to follow his example.
“Can you swim kid?”
“No, not very well.”
“Then how long can you hold your breath?”
“I don’t really know.”
“(Sigh) Then keep a grip on my arm and try not to let yourself get carried off. You can do that right?”
I bit my tongue at what I thought unnecessary sarcasm on Henry’s part and splashed in a little awkwardly. Henry’s next move caught me off guard, for no sooner had I took hold of his arm then he plunged downward into the clear depths, dragging me with him towards the bottom. I have never been comfortable around deep water, but I tried to stay calm and trust Henry knew what he was doing. Forcing my eyes open I saw that Henry was making for the base of a large rock, the tip of which had just been visible from the surface, and kicking with all his might towards the shadow it cast. As we rapidly drew closer I saw that it wasn’t a shadow but an opening, barely large enough for Henry and I to fit through comfortably, and in a few seconds we were immersed in compleate darkness. I liked this even less, and the longer Henry strove downward the more my lungs ached for want of air. After what seemed an eternity, Henry’s descent ceased and we were moving upward again. There was another eternity, and just when I began to despair of seeing the end of this odd journey we broke the surface, though the darkness remained absolute, and I gulped in the slightly stale air gratefully, Henry laughing beside me.
“It seems you’re tougher then I gave you credit for, I half expected you to black out before the end.”
I was to busy catching my breath to respond, and still clung to Henry’s arm for support. He half led, half carried me a few feet till the water dropped way and I heard the crunch of solid earth under his boots. Henry waited patiently for me to pull myself together, exhibiting no signs of strain himself, at least audibly, for I could see nothing.
“Wha…Where are we?”
“We’re in an old retreat refugees used in the war. It’s been forgotten by most, but your father rediscovered it shortly before he…died. But that’s not important right now, Bella should be nearby with a fire to warm ourselves by.”
I followed close at Henry’s heels, marveling at how he seemed to know exactly where to go without pause or use of his eyes. Eventually I began to make something out in the darkness, something small and yellowish, flickering and far off. With a surge of joy I realized it was a fire, and as we drew closer I could make out a figure, knees tucked under its chin, sitting on a rickety bench beside it. My pace quickened, but Henry slowed down, I noticed that his breathing had become shallow and quick, as if suddenly anxious. I could now clearly make out my mother’s form, and rushed forward without thinking of the alarm I might be causing her. She jumped up at the sound of rushing feet, fearfully scanning the blackness surrounding her.
“Who’s there? Who are you?”
“It’s me mother, Hal, are you alright?”
My mother saw me step into the circle of firelight, and with an expression of relief that rivaled my own earlier, ran towards me in wrapped me in a motherly embrace. Scanning me for any sign of injury and brushing the wet hair out of my face while tears streamed down her own.
“Hal! You aren’t hurt or anything are you?”
“I’m fine mother, I’m fine, but what about you?”
“I’m perfect now, but how on earth did you find this place?”
At this Henry slowly stepped into view, having tactfully kept back until now, and cleared his throat .
“I brought him here, I owed it to you both after the fright I gave you this morning.”
My mother looked at Henry and at first drew back in fear. Apparently time had blurred her memory just as it had Henry’s. At the expression on her face, Henry’s twisted in pain. He stepped forward and uttered in a quiet, almost pleading voice:
“Have I really changed that much? Do you not know me?”
My mother relaxed a little and peered at Henry’s face. After a moment of silence, her mouth dropped open and her eyes grew wide.
“He…Henry!?”
She stood for a moment, stunned as if seeing a ghost. Then with a cry of joy ran towards him, throwing her arms about him and sobbing.
“Henry! I thought I’d never see you again! I didn’t know if you were living or dead, why on earth did you run off and keep silent all these years?”
“I was ashamed of myself, and racked with guilt. I thought you wouldn’t forgive me for what I did.”
“You did nothing needing forgiveness Henry, it wasn’t your fault. You did the best you could have under the circumstances. I never held a moments grudge against you, oh why didn’t you come back?”
I groaned inwardly. I was sick of being outside the loop and more then a little uncomfortable with the sight in front of me. Henry had insisted that he wasn’t my father, and I could see no motive for him to lie. But why this emotional display on seeing my mother? They both behaved as if more then mere friendship existed between them as Henry had said earlier. I tried to curb the direction that thought took, I didn’t like where it led. Over the next few hours Mother asked Henry a thousand questions, seeming to forget me completely. In all their discourse though, there was a sort of guardedness to there words, as if they were holding back in my presence. When they got to the subject of my episode that morning, her face paled again and she looked at me in wonder.
“Hal, you should have sought help immediately, don’t you realize the gravity of your situation?”
“What kind of man would I make if I abandoned my own mother? I couldn’t go gallivanting off to save my own skin until I knew you were safe.”
Mother put her hand on my shoulder and said nothing further. Henry decided it would be wise to keep watch, since there were other ways of entering this labyrinth, and we couldn’t be sure that our whereabouts were unknown. He insisted on taking the first watch himself, making some good-natured joke about my exhausted state. I was tired, and quickly dozed off, but the events of the day refused to let the oblivion of sleep crowd them out. Swords and shadows haunted my dreams, Donovan and Henry’s faces swirled around me muttering unintelligible things, and sometimes an echo of that eerie voice from before returned. When Henry finally woke me for my turn at keeping lookout, I was glad for something to focus on instead of my own thoughts. He tossed me a small knife in a worn metal sheath, and without a word stretched out by the fire and promptly began to snore. I had no idea how to pass the time in this dark place, silent except for Henry’s snoring and the occasional rustle of someone turning in their sleep. The sheath and knife-hilt presented something interesting to examine, as they were both engraved with a strange emblem. A sword, with a reddish star glowing just at its tip, smoke trailing behind it as if it were plummeting downward. What appeared to be flowers were entwined around the engraved sword’s blade. I looked closer and saw that they were not flowers but words, tiny words in some unrecognizable language looped around the sword. I was peering at them, trying if I could decipher any of them when it happened:
“Haaaal…”
I jumped just as before and looked around me, Henry and my mother were still there like before, the fire crackling cheerfully in the impenetrable darkness. I pinched my arm and felt it plainly. This was no dream world, I was awake.
“Haaaal, you’re ignoring me again.”
I determined not to answer, fully believing I was loosing my mind, the voice laughed again in it’s mock carefree manner.
“You aren’t going crazy Hal, I’m as real as you are.”
My eyes grew wide, I hadn’t even spoken but this thing could tell what was going on in my head. What followed next has left me to this day an insomniac.
“You see? I don’t need words to speak with you, we can talk all we wish without disturbing a soul.”
“What if I don’t want to talk to you?”
“Come now Hal, that’s a fine way to treat your best friend, I even brought a gift for you and everything.”
“I don’t want anything from you, whatever you are, Henry!”
Henry didn’t answer, I called again, and realized with horror that no sound was coming from my mouth. Even more terrifying, as the voice continued my mouth was moving to its sickly laughter.
“It’s useless Hal, no one can fight this battle for you. You’ve always been weak Hal, but I’m going to make you stronger.”
I thought nothing could be more petrifying than what was already happening. But I was wrong. My hand began to move apart from my will, closing tightly around the hilt of the knife Henry had left me. I watched like one in a dream, but I was wide-awake, the knife drew closer to my other hand, which also was acting independently of my wishes.
“What are you doing? Stop it! Stop!”
“Aw Hal, don’t be frightened. Just trust me Hal, trust me.”
At these last words, the tip of the knife made contact with the palm of my hand and sunk. Deep. I blinked, my shock almost overpowering my fear. For during the whole procedure, I felt absolutely no pain. The voice began again, with a little twinge of hurt in it.
“You see Hal? You feel nothing when I’m with you, I bear it on your behalf. Who else would do that for you? And now, I’m going to do you an even bigger favor…”
I had now lost all control over my own body, my legs moved under me, raising me up and carrying me towards the place Henry and my mother were sleeping, knife outstretched. I tried with all my might to stop, and found with a great effort I could move a little. The voice spoke up sharply:
“ It’s no use fighting Hal, many have tried, Henry, even your father, they all failed. The sooner you come to terms with your destiny the better. Now now, don’t shed those useless tears, in time you’ll come to thank me…”
As I slowly drew closer to the two sleepers, I realized this horrible phantom that had taken possession of me was right about one thing: I was weak, I always had been. For as far back as I can remember I had let other people bail me out. I had always let other people fight for me. Shame coursed through me as I allowed myself for the first time to understand what I was: A coward. But there was no room for fear now, Henry and my mother couldn’t bail me out of this one. With every second I drew closer the crackling fire and my two unsuspecting companions. I had to take charge of myself come what may. I had to be strong, I had to do something. Now.
What does Hal do?[/i]
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Ravenwing
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| Posted: Tue May 23, 2006 8:45 pm Post subject: |
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Ooo. Very sinister chapter you have written here, GG.
Well Hal is being mocked immensely by this voice. I say he has to fight, and prove that he is strong. I see this as a battle of mental willpower. If he can resist the unknown forces strength, he will prove himself to be a strong person.
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Shady Stoat
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| Posted: Tue May 23, 2006 10:53 pm Post subject: |
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Fantastic chapter, Geek Girl. You write very powerfully 
I think he should try to direct himself toward the fire. He's already trying to resist mentally and that's good (first thing he has to do there is focus on how strong he is/all the brave things he's ever done in the past, no matter how small. As long as he believes this force has him defeated, then it does), but the chances are this malignant presence will defeat him if he does nothing new.
The fire could be useful, even if all we manage to do is kick sparks at the sleepers. Once they're awake, they can deal with Hal, so we need to wake them. The important thing is to give yourself no time to think though. If you consider the plan, whatever is possessing you will know what you're doing, and will counter it. The trick is to move almost instinctively, I think.
And if that doesn't work... ummm... fight harder?
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| Posted: Wed May 24, 2006 7:49 am Post subject: |
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Going off on the idea of using the fire, and now that I am a bit more awake than I was last time I wrote the earlier post. Hal could use the pain of a burn to distract the phantom. I remember earlier it said that it feels Hal's pain or something like that...
| Quote: | “You see Hal? You feel nothing when I’m with you, I bear it on your behalf. Who else would do that for you? And now, I’m going to do you an even bigger favor…”
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Wed May 24, 2006 3:42 pm Post subject: |
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Finally caught up with the latest chapter, and a good one it is too.
Yes, I can only really f5 the above. You could also try shouting I suppose, put all your effort into it.
*scratches head* Otherwise... er...
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Geek_girl72
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| Posted: Wed May 24, 2006 6:41 pm Post subject: |
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the fire is a good idea, if the phantom feels enough pain he could be driven off. The idea crossed my mind of Hal stabbing himself with the knife, but on second thought he probably couldn't move that much. He has lost his ability to speak, so maybe pain would be the best way to go. It would prove him brave becuase he'd have to deal with it after the phantom left.
Any other suggestions?
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"My candle burns at both its ends, it will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light!"
-Edna St. Vincent Millay
Whodunnit?On hold till further notice
I Don't Believe in Fate: Chapter 13 is now released
Lost n' Spacey On hold till Further Notice
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Ravenwing
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| Posted: Thu May 25, 2006 5:30 am Post subject: |
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Well basically anything that can distract the phantom from its purpose would work. Shouting may awake the adults, but they may get the wrong idea when they see Hal holding a knife over their heads.
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| Posted: Thu May 25, 2006 11:34 pm Post subject: |
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| Very nice story Geek Girl. Just came over after reading "I don't believe in fate" also very cool. Oh man having a dark god living in your head is a serious problem. I think the fire is his best bet, all he has to do is use every ounce of strength he has in pure desperation to twist his ankle, causing himself to fall face first into a blazing fire. Piece of cake, he'll only be scarred for life
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