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Adalia
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 Posted: Wed Aug 01, 2007 4:13 am Post subject: Strength Within - Chapter Nine (Needs comments) |
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Chapter 1: Hatred
I've heard tell of the day that I was born. The story's never changed, so I believe it. It starts with my mother in labor on a cold December morning. They say her screams could be heard all over town. My sister was born a couple of hours later, while I was still snug in my mother's womb. She was in labor with me all day. A blizzard swirled outside, the worst blizzard the town had ever seen. As the town clock tower struck the witching hour, I finally took my place in the world. (Now here we reach the part that always makes me flinch.) The town, and my mother, accuse me of causing the storm because as soon as my head peeked out, the blizzard gradually calmed down until the night was still.
That blizzard wiped out a little more than a forth of the town. It covered the entire ground from December through May. The snow piled high. A lot of the farm animals died because the farmers weren't able to feed them. It was the worst blizzard, and it was all blamed on me.
My mother once told me that no one would ever forget that tragedy as long as I was around. I got the hint, but there was no other place for me to go. Any relatives we had were either dead or lived in this town.
This town, although peaceful-looking on the outside, is full of emptiness and loneliness. Anyone passing by would think it pleasant and cheerful, but it's full of more prejudice and hatred than a thousand Hells. This town hated me for something they couldn't understand. They feared me, or at least what they believed I could do.
They shunned me. If I walked into a tavern, all the talking would cease. If I stayed, they would speak again, but only in a whisper. Even at school it was pretty much the same. If I raised my hand to answer a question, I was ignored. I never got my tests back, nor did I receive any papers I passed in. I never got a report card to hand to my mother at the end of a semester. All I did was sit and learn that the town I lived in didn't need me, and I didn't need them.
Although my tale is sad, I did have one small amount of joy to chase out the gloom. That was my sister. She was so innocent of the whole matter, that sometimes I couldn't help being jealous. She was the town queen. Everyone adored and admired her. She was the teacher of the little school on the outskirts of town. Having graduated at thirteen, the normal age, she had decided to volunteer to teach a class of about one hundred to a hundred fifty, ranging in age from five to thirteen. She took care of the kids whenever the parents needed a break. I never helped, because my help would have been useless.
--------------------------
I walked into the center of town, people scattered into the various stores so they would be out of my way. I sat on the edge of the “wishing well”, sifting my hand through the water. I picked up a coin and lifted it to the sun. Placing it into my skirt pocket, I continued taking coins from the fountain. I stood and headed for the general store.
I walked into a small, wooden building. It was littered with objects in somewhat neat piles all over the small space inside. I browsed through the store until I found the perfect gift. It was a blue dress with long, loose sleeves, a flowing skirt, and other features that made it perfect for her. My sister was so excited because it was our birthday. She always loved being twins, and everyday I would hear her say 'thank you' to an invisible being in her room.
I placed the money I had gotten from the fountain on the counter when the salesman wasn't looking. I knew he would never allow me to take the dress otherwise. I rushed out of the store and headed on my way.
I stopped by the school, having hid my package, in hopes that my sister was there. She was, so I waited. When she was done, we walked to our favorite spot. It was a river about a mile from home, with a bridge some three miles down. The spot we went to was shallow and much more calm than further upstream. We removed our shoes and dipped our feet into the cool water.
“So, what'd ya get me?” she asked teasingly.
“Nothing, I decided that it was too much trouble.” I replied, solemnly.
“Aww, and I bought you one this year.”
“Well, then, I'll get you one as soon as we get home.”
“How you gonna do that?”
“Simple, I'll go to my closet and pick out a dress for you.”
“But your clothes are all so dark, besides, I don't want anything second-hand from you.”
“Alright, I'll try and find something better, but there are no guarantees.”
“Your best efforts are fine with me.” We got up and gathered our things. We headed home, chattering away like magpies.
When we reached home, I made an excuse to stay behind. I surveyed the area, just to make sure. It was a beautiful home, pale blue on the outside, and a dazzling white on the inside. We owned about two acres of land surrounding the house, a run down barn, and a small pump behind the house. The inside had six bedrooms, three bathrooms, and a balcony with a view of the river. Mother's bedroom was on the west side. My sister's bedroom was in the middle, with the balcony. My room was on the third floor, facing the east. Each room was roughly the same size, except for my sister's. Her's was a square meter larger than the rest. My room was right below the attic, and slightly smaller than my mother's.
Over the years, I had developed my own collection of odd objects, ranging from oddly shaped spoons to a rock in the shape of a broom. My sister, on the other-hand, had her own private collection of letters from various suitors across the county. She never would admit to it, but she had already made her choice of suitor.
I was suddenly knocked out of my reverie, when I realized how late it was. I quickly ran back the way we had come, and found the dress. I hastened home, coming in just in time for supper. After eating, my sister and I headed upstairs to exchange gifts. She loved the dress, immediately putting it on and twirling in front of the mirror. My gift was a black silk dress, somewhat short by society's standards, but I loved it all the more for that reason.
After getting over the thrill of the gifts, I turned out the lights and headed to the bathroom downstairs. I noticed our mother exiting the doorway, heading out into the night. I finished my business and returned upstairs. Checking on my sister, I headed further up the maze of our household, when suddenly I heard a loud bang on our door.
I hurried downstairs to check who it was. Looking out of a window, I saw a large group of townsfolk, all holding torches under the moonlight. I was struck with terror when I heard what they were shouting. They were accusing me of murder! I heard it as clearly as the bell tower could be heard from ten feet away. My thoughts started to whir, spinning like a spinning wheel. What should I do? I could escape through the back door, but there might be someone there. How do I escape this?
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All that is gold does not glitter; not all those that wander are lost. - J.R.R. Tolkien
Last edited by Adalia on Wed Jan 28, 2009 2:18 am; edited 31 times in total
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Masterweaver
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| Posted: Wed Aug 01, 2007 5:10 am Post subject: |
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A tale told by the EVIL twin. Interesting twist...
Get your sister and run like <Insert Any Word You Consider Appropriate>. With any luck, your mystic capabilities will protect you.
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Wed Aug 01, 2007 5:12 am Post subject: |
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Quite an intruiging start there Adi. I think there could be a bit more description of the town, as we don't get any idea of setting, but perhaps that's on purpose?
Also, try not to repeat words so close together. You repeat 'town' a lot in the first bit.
So, DP. I would say send the sister out to say she's not home. Everyone likes her.
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algu95
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| Posted: Wed Aug 01, 2007 8:54 am Post subject: |
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Hmmmmmm... Usually women doens't write good books/stories (J.K. Rowling exepted) but you definetly managed it.
DP? What is a DP? Just joking. FIND A DAMN WAY OUT AND COLLECT ANYTHING IMPORTANT LIKE FOOD AND RUUUN LIKE HELL!!!!!!!!
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Falcon Lord, a linear story by algu!
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Meranos
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| Posted: Wed Aug 01, 2007 11:20 pm Post subject: Cool |
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Cool start, friend  . I agree with algu. But, because of time crunching, I gotta leave it at that.
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Adalia
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| Posted: Thu Aug 02, 2007 2:39 am Post subject: |
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Wow! Thanks for the feedback.
MW: Is she really the evil one?
C'ren: Yes, it was on purpose. The town is supposed to be somewhat insignificant. I realize I mention "town" too much. I was going to name it, but couldn't think of anything that sounded right.
Algu: Thanks! I hope you don't just say that 'cause I joined TMF...
Lilith: You never know, depending on how the DP goes, I might just show how deep their relationship is. Your idea sounds intriguing.
Meranos: Thanks.
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All that is gold does not glitter; not all those that wander are lost. - J.R.R. Tolkien
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Masterweaver
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| Posted: Thu Aug 02, 2007 4:36 am Post subject: |
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| That was a joke. You know, the who "evil twin" cliche?
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| Posted: Thu Aug 02, 2007 2:01 pm Post subject: |
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| Posted: Thu Aug 02, 2007 4:56 pm Post subject: |
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okay... i found the story was a bit rushed. you need to extrapolate (expand) more on it.
ie.
[quote]
After getting over the thrill of the gifts, I turned out the lights and headed to the bathroom downstairs. I noticed our mother exiting the doorway, heading out into the night. I finished my business and returned upstairs. Checking on my sister, I headed further up the maze of our household, when suddenly I heard a loud bang on our door.
I hurried downstairs to check who it was. Looking out of a window, I saw a large group of townsfolk, all holding torches under the moonlight. I was struck with terror when I heard what they were shouting. They were accusing me of murder! I heard it as clearly as the bell tower could be heard from ten feet away. My thoughts started to whir, spinning like a spinning wheel. What should I do? I could escape through the back door, but there might be someone there. How do I escape this?[/qutoe]
one minute she is going up to bed and the next she is being accussed of murder.
there isnt a need to rush through the first chapter to get to the 'interesting' bit. Develop the mood between her mother and her a bit more, detail the relationship with the sister more and as has been said previously maybe flesh out the town a bit so that we get a sense of what era we are dealing with...
the town was to scared to look her in the eye and now they are mobbing at her door? maybe rather than hdiing from her the people would be whispering behind their hands or pulling their children out of their reach.
also something that seems strange to me is that they blame her for the storm that 'STOPPED' the moment she was born. maybe it would rign more tru if it had started when she was born instead.
on the whole i can see a definite interesting story emerge. i would send the sister down to placate the mob and say that the 'evil' twin has fled the town. then she can mysteriously lurk in the shadows finguring out who is doing the killing.
oh are they identical?
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| Posted: Fri Aug 03, 2007 1:13 am Post subject: |
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Short and sweet: I like it, and I agree with Lilith.
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I was hated my entire life, and things only got worse when my sister told me she hated me, too. I walked away, and was rescued by three travelers. That night, we were hunted and separated, but we found each other in the end. I met my sister again in a town quite similar to our own. She apologized with such regret that I found the heart to forgive her. We're now together, but things will never be the same.
Read Strength Within, by Adalia.
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Adalia
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| Posted: Fri Aug 03, 2007 2:40 am Post subject: |
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No, Nene, they're not identical (which is something I will have to put in the second chapter.)
Thanks for commenting, sis.
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All that is gold does not glitter; not all those that wander are lost. - J.R.R. Tolkien
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| Posted: Fri Aug 03, 2007 6:42 pm Post subject: |
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No problem. You know I'll do it often.
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I was hated my entire life, and things only got worse when my sister told me she hated me, too. I walked away, and was rescued by three travelers. That night, we were hunted and separated, but we found each other in the end. I met my sister again in a town quite similar to our own. She apologized with such regret that I found the heart to forgive her. We're now together, but things will never be the same.
Read Strength Within, by Adalia.
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Adalia
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| Posted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 2:25 am Post subject: |
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The poll has been opened. Choose wisely, dear Ifians, for the fate of the character depends on your choice.
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All that is gold does not glitter; not all those that wander are lost. - J.R.R. Tolkien
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| Posted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 10:47 pm Post subject: |
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I chose to take the sister and run. Run, Run away and never return. They don't need you anyway. Or so they think. Have the townsmen be killed my a magical cause that she could have stopped!   
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Adalia
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| Posted: Fri Aug 10, 2007 2:48 am Post subject: |
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Poll is closed. Thanks to all who voted. Off to write Chapter 2!
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All that is gold does not glitter; not all those that wander are lost. - J.R.R. Tolkien
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| Posted: Fri Aug 10, 2007 5:56 am Post subject: |
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Hurray! Just don't forget the plan.
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I was hated my entire life, and things only got worse when my sister told me she hated me, too. I walked away, and was rescued by three travelers. That night, we were hunted and separated, but we found each other in the end. I met my sister again in a town quite similar to our own. She apologized with such regret that I found the heart to forgive her. We're now together, but things will never be the same.
Read Strength Within, by Adalia.
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| Posted: Sat Aug 11, 2007 3:01 am Post subject: |
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| Posted: Tue Aug 14, 2007 7:03 pm Post subject: |
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It might have mattered, Zephyr. I mean, if you had voted for "Get sister and run with any provisions they can carry", you would have tied it.
Anyways, thought I would post the results and then I'll post Chapter 2.
So here's the results:
Get sister and run with any provisions they can carry [ 2 ]
Send out the sister and flee [ 0 ]
Send out the sister and plan to meet her later [ 3 ]
Ask the sister to swap dresses with her and both come out [ 0 ]
Who Voted: chinaren, CurlyBear, dinranwen, Masterweaver, meranos
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All that is gold does not glitter; not all those that wander are lost. - J.R.R. Tolkien
Last edited by Adalia on Tue Aug 14, 2007 7:22 pm; edited 1 time in total
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| Posted: Tue Aug 14, 2007 7:16 pm Post subject: Chapter 2: Fear |
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Chapter 2: Fear
What about my sister? Maybe she can calm them down. I was beginning to feel overwhelmed at all that was happening to me. I rushed upstairs, taking them two at a time. I slowly opened the door to see if she was still awake. She was. Sitting up in bed, with a slightly bewildered look on her face, she looked at me. I wasn't sure where to start but soon realized I didn't have to. I was again aware of the differences between us. She had light tan features, whereas my skin was pale. Her hair was a light chestnut brown, and her eyes were a brilliant hazel. In contrast, I had jet black hair with dark gray eyes. I loved animals, she loved people. That's always been the way it has been.
She stood up and calmly dressed into her birthday gift. “I'm going out there. I'll try and calm them down.” She said, confidence filling her voice.
“Alright, I'll meet you later at our spot. Try to discover what's going on.”
“I will.”
“Good luck.”
She opened the door and slipped out noiselessly. I listened as her soft footsteps slowly worked their way down the stairs. I stepped out of her bedroom and took a left. I walked up the stairs leading to my room. I grabbed my cloak and headed down a small, hidden passageway that led into the kitchen. I cautiously opened the door to make sure that nobody was there. Asserting that there was no one, I crept to the back door. Looking out it's glass window, I checked if there was anyone. To my relief, the back yard was empty.
I opened the door slowly to minimize the noise. I breathed out, watching the white vapor of my breath in the cool night air, once again reminding me of the time of year. I took a step forward, then another. Soon, I was running. My footsteps fell on the soft grass in a steady rhythm that slowly matched itself with my heartbeat. As I reached the beginning of the forest, I had the urge to look back. All seemed quiet, though I knew differently.
I turned toward the forest, placing my hood over my face. I crossed the subtle boundary between the gently sloping hill that led to my house, and the dense woodland. Carefully watching my footsteps, I walked. I walked like a shadow. The leaves rustled as my dark cloak passed over them. The shadows of the trees aided in concealing me.
My mind drifted to a time long ago when I was the age of about six or seven. I had always had a curiosity of what lie within the depths of the trees I saw daily from my room. One day, while no one was looking, I slipped through the back door and headed for the forest. I cautiously stepped into it. Being so young, I saw the trees as great giants just waiting to snatch me up. I wandered deeper and deeper into that strange and unknown world. Soon, I began to realize that I had no idea how to get back. With such thoughts in my mind, I grew numb with fear. My legs couldn't, or wouldn't, move. I fell to my knees in despair of ever finding a way back.
Suddenly, I felt, rather than saw, a figure approaching. Too frightened to look up, I just froze, hoping it would leave me alone. It didn't. In fact, it drew nearer and nearer. Soon it stood right in front of me and I could see the tips of it's boots. Surprisingly, it fell on its knees and hugged me. Then it stood, pointed in an easterly direction, and disappeared.
I stood. Checking myself to see if it had done anything to me, I discovered something. Around my neck was a strange necklace of some sort. It was white gold, with an oddly shaped pendant attached to it. I could barely make out the stones on each section of the pendant. Puzzled, I absentmindedly walked in the direction it had pointed. I soon realized that the trees were getting thinner. I suddenly stepped out of the trees and was back at the foot of the hill. Relief flooded me at the sight of that familiar house.
I paused. Wait a moment! When did that happen?! I remember getting lost in the woods, but I don't remember a strange being there. I only wandered my way back home. Strange... I was suddenly aware of a weight around my throat. I looked down and saw that strange pendant. I was so shocked that I stood there staring at it. This wasn't around my neck when I left the house. What is going on? This is impossible!
I felt a sudden urgency to glance around to see where I was. In my reverie I had failed to notice where my feet had been taking me. I was in our spot, but it was barely recognizable. The river, which only this afternoon had been flowing happily, was now frozen with a shallow sheet of ice. The ground was wet and cold. I realized that the air was much, much colder than it had been when I had started my trek. It was almost as if nature was aware of what was happening.
With a gnawing uncertainty, I sat on the cold, hard ground to await my sister. A cold wind rose, chilling me. I hugged my feet for more warmth. Placing my cloak tighter against me, I began to grow impatient. I realized that an hour had passed and there was no sign of her. I heard not a sound. It wasn't surprising, but it was an eerie silence. It was as if the world was holding its breath, waiting for something terrible to happen.
Finally, I could wait no longer. I stood, rubbing my hands together from the cold. I headed back home, hoping there wouldn't be a mob awaiting me. A thought suddenly struck me. It was so terrifying that I put it immediately out of my mind. Only, the thought kept returning to haunt me.
My steps slowed as a great weight came upon me. I did my best to turn my thoughts to more pleasant things, but it wouldn't go away. It kept nagging me from the back of my mind like a mother nagging her child.
As I neared the edge of the forest, I could smell, as well as see, smoke rising from the direction of our house. Fear gripped me like a noose. I couldn't breath. I couldn't think. I couldn't see anything beyond the black smoke rising in spirals into the night sky. It curled against the bright, full moon.
I ran. The trees began to thin as I raced by. I suddenly came to a halt at the very edge of the woods. The beautiful blue house was ablaze in crimson flames. I stood unable to move at the horror of the scene before me.
I fell to my knees as the tears started to flow. They fell faster and faster like the snow that had begun to descend. They soon turned into powerful sobs that shook my body. I realized that there was a high possibility that my sister had been caught in the flames.
I looked up through my tears. I may have lost my family. I may have lost my home, but I was determined to live.
-----------------
A strange necklace appeared around her neck, her house is burning, she may have lost her sister, so what does she do?
P.S. I may be on vacation for a few days, but please, post away.
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All that is gold does not glitter; not all those that wander are lost. - J.R.R. Tolkien
Last edited by Adalia on Sat Oct 27, 2007 11:37 pm; edited 3 times in total
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Mephistopheles
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| Posted: Tue Aug 14, 2007 9:28 pm Post subject: |
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very interesting story! well, written, but before another can mention it, try to avoid starting a lot of sentences with 'I'. work your way around what you want to describe in such a way that 'I' falls later in the sentence. Someone informed me that I needed to work on this as well, so I figured that it would only be considerate to pass this knowledge to you as well. otherwise, very nice. the dp's though, let me think.......
*smoke fills room as thinking intensifies*
I guess that the wise thing to do is search near the house to ascertain whether her sister got free or not. Perhaps the mob kidnapped her, thinking that she was the evil sister, and had killed the good sister as well as their mother, oops, other victim, I meant. She could wish to see if her sister was alive, and perhaps the mysterious stranger would reappear? as for the necklace, it was a gift from her father, conveniently not mentioned, i note, who was a sorcerer or warlock? the apparition gave ti to her, because her father willed it, or perhaps the apparition is her father? Okay, made enough guesses. Keep up the good work! oh, and their, not there, when she is going down the stairs.
Another option for her sister and mother disappearing: It is a plot by the two of them to force the evil one into a despair so deep that she flees the town. They aren't really dead. just a thought.
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Cause I am, whatever you say I am
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?
I don't know, it's just the way I am.
eminem
without the threat of death,
there is no reason to live at all
marilyn manson
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Muaddib
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| Posted: Tue Aug 14, 2007 9:37 pm Post subject: |
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I like this one a lot. In my opinion each chapter is just the right length, and each chapter adds a new thread to the tale (so far). 
I say that she should look for her sister. She can't be sure that the sister's dead without seeing her body.
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CurlyBear
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| Posted: Wed Aug 15, 2007 1:06 am Post subject: |
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*reads Messy's post* Oh, I didn't notice that. Sorry, Adi. It looks like I fail as your proofreader. *hangs head*
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I was hated my entire life, and things only got worse when my sister told me she hated me, too. I walked away, and was rescued by three travelers. That night, we were hunted and separated, but we found each other in the end. I met my sister again in a town quite similar to our own. She apologized with such regret that I found the heart to forgive her. We're now together, but things will never be the same.
Read Strength Within, by Adalia.
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Wed Aug 15, 2007 1:42 am Post subject: |
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This is good. The only niggle I had with it, (and it may be down to me not 'getting it') was the bit about the stranger in the forest. This was described as the stranger kneeling down and hugging the main character, and a pendant appearing around her neck immediately after. This suggests that the stranger had something to do with its appearance.
However, immediately afterwards, the main character is puzzling over the pendant, and not remembering the stranger that she had immediately described beforehand.
Is it that you are trying to convey to the reader something that the main character doesn't know, or cannot remember? If so, you may need to find another way of writing this. Maybe find a way of describing it from a different point of view, or maybe erase the description of the stranger altogether, and reveal it later in the story. The main character is telling the story, it just seems strange that first she remembers it, and then she does not.
Other than that little confusion, it is an interesting story, I like the settings and moods, and I am enjoying the read.
For the DP - Something else has occurred, the change in the temperature, the freezing over of the water. How much time has passed? Or maybe she has been transported forwards or backwards in time? Her surroundings seem different somehow.
Also, having described the blizzard at the time of her birth, could this in some way be related to the chilling that is occurring now?
My suggestion is that she should doubt the reality of what she sees before her, and look for clues in her environment to ascertain exactly what has happened.
Looking forward to the next chapter. 
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Adalia
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| Posted: Wed Aug 15, 2007 2:44 am Post subject: |
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I'm not sure I completely understand what you mean, Crunchy.
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All that is gold does not glitter; not all those that wander are lost. - J.R.R. Tolkien
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Wed Aug 15, 2007 2:51 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | Suddenly, I felt, rather than saw, a figure approaching. Too frightened to look up, I just froze, hoping it would leave me alone. It didn't. In fact, it drew nearer and nearer. Soon it stood right in front of me and I could see the tips of it's boots. Surprisingly, it fell on its knees and hugged me. Then it stood, pointed in an easterly direction, and disappeared.
I stood. Checking myself to see if it had done anything to me, I discovered something. Around my neck was a strange necklace of some sort. It was white gold, with an oddly shaped pendant attached to it. I could barely make out the stones on each section of the pendant. Puzzled, I absentmindedly walked in the direction it had pointed. I soon realized that the trees were getting thinner. I suddenly stepped out of the trees and was back at the foot of the hill. Relief flooded me at the sight of that familiar house. |
Okay, here, the main character describes the events surrounding the appearance of the stranger, and of the pendant.
Then directly after, we have:
| Quote: | | I paused. Wait a moment! When did that happen?! I remember getting lost in the woods, but I don't remember a strange being there. I only wandered my way back home. Strange... I was suddenly aware of a weight around my throat. I looked down and saw that strange pendant. I was so shocked that I stood there staring at it. This wasn't around my neck when I left the house. What is going on? This is impossible! |
She has suddenly forgotton about it!
This was something that was pointed out to me in my SG, which is that when you are writing from inside the head of a character, it is difficult to have the reader know something that the character does not.
If she was meant to be unaware of the encounter having happened at this point in the story, it may add to the mysteriousness of it all if you did not mention the stranger in this chapter. Instead, you could hold it for a later point in the story, when the memory of the encounter is evoked in her mind, somehow.
Unless there is a good reason why you want the reader to know something up front that the character does not...
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Masterweaver
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| Posted: Wed Aug 15, 2007 4:46 am Post subject: |
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Resurfacing of memories is a commen phenomena, CF. Simply becuase she does not remeber when it happened does not mean she forgot it.
On the other hand, she might not be the real I-forget-her-name at all, but a changling! An elf sent to replace a stolen baby!
As for the dp, she runs paniced through the foret, then encounters an oddly familiar crying girl, upon whom she places her pendant...
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Wed Aug 15, 2007 5:00 am Post subject: |
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Pretty good chapter there. Only a couple of minor technicalities, (missed an 'r' off stranger I think, and something else I've forgotten).
Otherwise I've nothing to add to the comments above.
DP: I would f5 Muddy. Go and examine the house, carefully. I was thinking 'time shift' myself with the sudden cold.
[Edit] Oh, nice necklace to get for free. $171! 
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solus.serpen
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| Posted: Sat Aug 18, 2007 12:03 pm Post subject: |
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I think that she was remembering her time when she was in the forest when she was younger, CF - but then seemed to get carried away with the memory and 'added in' the stranger part. After the flashback had finished, she exclaims silently:
| Quote: | | Wait a moment! When did that happen?! I remember getting lost in the woods, but I don't remember a stranger being there. I only wandered my way back home. Strange... |
So then she realises that she got 'carried away' in remembering her flashback and 'corrects' the memory.
...
Well, that was my spin on it anyway.
I noticed a few mistakes, I'll just put in the spellings I can remember.
| Quote: | | . I was in our spot, but it was almost barely recognizable |
I don't think the 'almost' needs to be there. It would sound a bit better without it, anyway.
| Quote: | | The river, which only this afternoon had been flowing happily, was now frozen with a shallow sheet of ice. |
'Was now a shallow frozen sheet of ice.'
- or something like that.
Ok, I can't think of any others. You're pretty good on the spelling/grammar front anyhow.
As for the DP - are there still people there?
Looking around would be risky if so. In fact - although not certain, she at least thinks that it has only been an hour. Poeple of the mob may still be waiting there to see if she comes back, or looking through the rubble for burnt bones?
If they hate her so much - would they really be satisfied that she might have been killed?
As such, I suggest that she wait/sleep in a tree for the night and investigate in the early morning when the village will hopefully have gone to sleep.
It's better to be safe than sorry after all.
~Solus
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chapter 6 of DESTINY - a super old SG which won't continue...but there are a full 6 chapters if you feel like reading something with no ending!
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Crossfire
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| Posted: Sat Aug 18, 2007 3:40 pm Post subject: |
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Hmm... For some reason I didn't like the first chapter until I cast it in the voice of an American girl of about nineteen years with golden, curly locks. Don't ask me why, it just seemed appropriate. I watch too many movies with that kind of narration, OK? [/unusual rambling involving western films about ranches, 'papas' and 'maws']
Otherwise, lovely story. I was actually planning to vote for the first option, myself, but there you go. I personally feel that since she's not really welcome there and she has nothing keeping her there, she might as well wander off into the sunset with a fair bit of currency and a fair bit of provisions, her lovely sister by her side.
Perhaps the lovely sister dies. Dies a horrible, horrible, unpleasant death. During the journey. The elementalist sister sees some clue as to the identity of the murderer and sets out to find him or her or it, encountering all sorts of unusual beings along the way and ever learning more about her strange and amazingly powerful abilities.
Just a thought.
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Head Eater
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| Posted: Sat Aug 18, 2007 3:46 pm Post subject: |
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Thisss ssstory hasss been judged worth of promotion. Enssssure it ssstaysss that way, or I sssshall return.
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Heads.
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Crossfire
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| Posted: Sat Aug 18, 2007 4:18 pm Post subject: |
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Heads! *grins happily* Congratulations, Adalia. This story is truly worth of promotion. I doubt that the Head Eater will return to claim you for a while, regardless. This is a good enough story to survive for quite a while on merit alone...
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Silent eyes decide the wise and unwise - for one that lies. Let it arise.
Last edited by Crossfire on Tue Aug 21, 2007 10:56 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Adalia
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| Posted: Sun Aug 19, 2007 2:29 am Post subject: |
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Wow! I feel honored.
The poll will be up tomorrow.
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All that is gold does not glitter; not all those that wander are lost. - J.R.R. Tolkien
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Muaddib
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| Posted: Sun Aug 19, 2007 3:02 am Post subject: |
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| I haven't exactly read any of the other stories of the SGOTM, but I have read this one. The promotion is well deserved in my opinion. Congratulations Adalia!
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NeverNeverGirl
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| Posted: Sun Aug 19, 2007 6:45 pm Post subject: |
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Hey i just wanted to say that the diff between your first and second posts is amazing! good job with it!
I think one way to clear up the confusion between what is memory and what isn't is the use of italics and seperation (more dramatic) of the paragraphs..
OH NO! This is just a memory isn't it - so i am safe (whatever you get my point..)
i actually think that i have gotten a better feel for what you are trying to do here than some of the other readers have. I believe that you are suggesting that this isn't maybe a memory of the past so much as an 'actual day' occurence that she can't quite place. I can't explain what i am saying so will think about it mroe b4 i comment again!
You really are improving dramatically.
As for the DP i believe that her sis didnt die but was dramatically scarred and will subsquently blame our fiar twin for this making her an enemy!
I also actually like the changeling option too...
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Adalia
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| Posted: Mon Aug 20, 2007 12:22 am Post subject: |
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Poll is up.
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All that is gold does not glitter; not all those that wander are lost. - J.R.R. Tolkien
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Muaddib
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| Posted: Mon Aug 20, 2007 5:34 am Post subject: |
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| I voted number 1. I was kind of confused though. Putting alternative plots as poll options kind of gives the story away doesn't it?
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Adalia
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| Posted: Tue Aug 21, 2007 1:44 am Post subject: |
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Not necessarily, Muddy.
*Laughs out loud* It's a five-way tie so far!
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All that is gold does not glitter; not all those that wander are lost. - J.R.R. Tolkien
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Adalia
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| Posted: Sun Aug 26, 2007 8:31 pm Post subject: |
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I need a tie-breaker!
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All that is gold does not glitter; not all those that wander are lost. - J.R.R. Tolkien
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Adalia
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| Posted: Tue Aug 28, 2007 4:53 am Post subject: |
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Poll is closed! Thank you to all who voted. Onward to Chapter 3!!!
The results:
Search near the house to ascertain whether her sister got free or not [ 1 ]
Doubt the reality of what she sees before her and look for clues in her environment to ascertain exactly what has happened [ 1 ]
Run panicked through the forest, encounter an oddly familiar crying girl upon whom she places her pendant [ 1 ]
Wait/sleep in a tree for the night and investigate in the early morning when the village will hopefully have gone to sleep [ 2 ]
Find out that her sis didn't die but was dramatically scarred and will subsequently blame our fair twin for this, making her an enemy [ 2 ]
Total Votes : 7
Who Voted: chinaren, Crunchyfrog, CurlyBear, Masterweaver, mephistopheles, meranos, Muaddib
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All that is gold does not glitter; not all those that wander are lost. - J.R.R. Tolkien
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