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Chinaren
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 Posted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 5:44 am Post subject: Avarice chapter 10 - The End. |
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Last edited by Chinaren on Sat May 31, 2008 5:00 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 8:55 am Post subject: |
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Oh wow, that was great! I was worried by the chapter heading that this was the final chapter of the story. I'm glad it's not!
A difficult one, truly. It would be interesting to go back to the time when the ancients were at their height, but by possibly changing history, they may wipe their post apocalyptic world out of existance and therefore prevent themselves from ever being born!
The sensible thing would be to go back to when Smur's daughter was snatched, if he wants to save her. Maybe if they want to try and do something significant earlier... they could do that afterwards.
The possibility of Smur being taught how to control Shades would be a bonus when he returns to his own time, and would elevate him to a very important status in his tribe, that is, of course if he has a constant source of 'power'.
I can't remember, whether or not it was explained why he was made an outcast?
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algu95
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| Posted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 9:26 am Post subject: |
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To the time of the first chapter! Stop Smur from ever arguing with his daughter! Other than that... Let's get that Necromancer teach Smur something basic..... How to steal life from someone?
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 4:45 pm Post subject: |
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| Crunchyfrog wrote: | | Oh wow, that was great! I was worried by the chapter heading that this was the final chapter of the story. I'm glad it's not! |
Hehe, thanks CF. I named it The End on purpose, as a marketing ploy.  
| Crunchyfrog wrote: |
I can't remember, whether or not it was explained why he was made an outcast? |
Not quite yet. There has been bits and pieces dropped in. The Bis'p and the tribe leader certainly know him, and he them, and there's no love lost there, but so far the full story hasn't come out. It will, in time.
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Mephistopheles
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| Posted: Tue Aug 07, 2007 2:54 am Post subject: |
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| interesting dilemma that you have created. sadly to say, the only thing i could come up with is the same as crunchy suggested. go back to when the daughter was taken, prevent that from occurring, and then? how about move forward and see if she had any significance to the future? i don't know. maybe something better will creep into my mind shortly.
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| Posted: Tue Aug 07, 2007 10:04 pm Post subject: |
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I'd agree with what Crunchy said as well.
But would the others go through time just for Smur wanting to clear things up with his daughter?
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| Posted: Tue Aug 07, 2007 10:35 pm Post subject: |
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Love it! So this magus has the ability to transmit, but not generate easily, electrical energy over a short range, with a limited regeneration ability of the power over a long period of time but also the ability to recharge from certain varieties of mineral, which are of an azure quality? :o
Additionally, I am assuming that although the Melted Man has no ability to control these undead creatures as such, or if this power is indeed available that it is not easily activated, he has the ability to drive them back, and that this ability is tied to the same power source as the electrical charges, with both of them coming from the mutual dehabilitation that him and Smur suffered?
Logically, this must mean that the necromantic capabilities are frequently acquired from the same stimuli, possibly with a secondary power which is randomised and of an arbitrary power... These abilities may exist in latency within a large amount of the population, with varying degrees of power, but are not activated generally.
To clarify I would propose that it seems to myself the necromantic abilities are universal amongst the imbued populace, but each creature with these abilities, or this ability as it may be, also has its own personalised power which is in concurrence with their spiritual nature or astral signature... Well, I have no idea, frankly, but it seems like a good explanation, and isn't that what really matters?*
The answer is hopefully no, and it is for this fact solely that the various branches of science, or indeed science itself, have or has been developed from their fledgling state at all. However, since this world is also fledgling and in the mind of its creator still, it doesn't really matter. Who really cares if it's true or not, as long as it sounds right?
In short, great. Love the magical element, especially since otherwise this doesn't really fit into the rather important magical point of Fantasy, and has really only exhibited scientific, and therefore Science-Fiction, elements. Can you do the Skiffsville Bump? It's the latest dance... :o
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Last edited by Crossfire on Sat Aug 18, 2007 4:03 am; edited 1 time in total
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Wed Aug 08, 2007 3:37 pm Post subject: |
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Um, if you say so Cross!  I was kinda making it up as I went along.
Any more suggestions on when to go back to?
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NeverNeverGirl
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| Posted: Wed Aug 08, 2007 6:12 pm Post subject: |
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maybe Smur goes back to before the fight and tries to stop it but it ends up becoming his fault... a whole circular kind fo thing.. i fhe had never interferred then she wouldnt have got caught or something? Maybe (future)smur caught up with her just before she got taken and was the reason she did.. am i making sense here?
Loving the story - the post apocolyptic twist was right up my alley.. not world to world but time to time... fan tas tic
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| Posted: Thu Aug 09, 2007 3:32 am Post subject: |
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| Posted: Fri Aug 10, 2007 5:54 pm Post subject: |
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Im for going back to when his daughter was snateched. Nice chapter Chinaren. Good end twist.
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Sun Aug 12, 2007 6:17 am Post subject: |
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This is going to be an interesting vote, and one that could significantly impact the story. Or not. Who knows with time travel?
Poll is up, quantum leap into the continuum of voting.
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Sat Aug 18, 2007 12:39 am Post subject: |
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okay then, I'm about ready to start thinking about the next chapter, but there's a problem here I didn't think of:
If going back to the time he was outcast wins (which it currently is), I was going to go and do the whole 'who and why and what' shebang, so you would finally know what happens.
However, whilst the portal, as mentioned already, can take them back there, he was outcast in a different place, and it doesn't move locations. So even though the time would be right, they wouldn't be near where they were camping at that time.
Any suggestions for this? I can think of a couple of ways around it, but none are very good, and I don't like to stretch the story logic too thin. 
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algu95
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| Posted: Sat Aug 18, 2007 1:50 am Post subject: |
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Ok.... Some people approach Smur and he suddenly dissapears, and then Smur comes out of the portal. Everyone would think he's a mage!
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| Posted: Sat Aug 18, 2007 2:47 am Post subject: |
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Easy. The Destroyer damaged the portals during its coming, and therefore when Smur activates one of them, he will be flung, through limitless space as well as time, to an unfixed spatial point...
This is due to a malfunction in the core stasis generator of the field-nexus that resides in the area around each temporal matter transmitter. [/meaningless semi-scientific waffle]
This stasis field was created for the simple reason that otherwise it would be impossible for the Ancients to know where they would be taken when they utilised their creations, whether it be inside a mountain or four thousand metres under the cold, dark surface of the raging sea.
By the way, it's always good to concentrate on the seemingly unimportant things such as the full extent of the magical abilities of the characters that you have present within a story, because it gives you a good, firm, solid scaffold to work on in following chapters.
I was rather thinking that if he did get taken back to the time of the Destroyer that he would find a couple of survivors of its wrath, who would tell him how to stop and perhaps vanquish it. He meets the as yet Unmelted Man on his travels after the two survivors are killed by Shades and taken in by him once he tells the Man of his quest to destroy the Destroyer.
It turns out that Smur has some small spark of the Craft in him, which will enable him to defend himself against some of the attacks of the Destroyer- provided he finds a few items of the Ancients to augment them of course... items scattered across the limitless realms of time and space.
Meddling in a part of the arcana that doesn't concern him, he calls upon the attention of a swarm of Shades- too many for him to handle. Naturally, he flees, leaving the Melted Man to their tender mercies. The Melted Man is horribly disfigured and loses much of his memory, including all knowledge of Smur and his amoral, cowardly nature.
Smur travels on... seeking the portal, and ever-striving to save his precious daughter from the tender mercies of the Destroyer. It is his only saving grace, the only thing that makes him more than the loathsome scum he mostly is. It is the thing that drives him on. *fades*
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Last edited by Crossfire on Sat Aug 18, 2007 5:39 am; edited 3 times in total
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The Meaning Of Fear
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| Posted: Sat Aug 18, 2007 3:15 am Post subject: |
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Ooopsie.
I think I tied it.
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| Posted: Sun Aug 19, 2007 9:02 am Post subject: |
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Wow, nice chapter. I think this is the story (of China's) I am most enthralled with. I found the meeting with the melted man somewhat sparse...it seemed to need more character/density/detail. However, the portal was a very good idea, and maybe we will be able to discover more about the melted man as we go.
btw, when they cross the portal in time, will they become who they used to be? As in, if Smur returns to the time when he wasn't yet banned from the tribe (or scarred by a shade), will there be 2 smurs, or will the older Smur turn into the younger Smur?
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| Posted: Sun Aug 19, 2007 2:37 pm Post subject: |
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Hello fellas! This is my first post/reply/whatever, and you should know that I have little experience in writing, but I have read a lot of Fantasy/SF stories. To put it short: this one is awesome! Chinaren, well done, congrats man! 
My vote was to get to the time his daughter was kidnapped, but count it as returning to chapter 1. I agree with algu95; go to chapter 1 and teach him something cool along the way! 
Also, I salute Zephyr for having in mind the effects of going to the time when the portals were created, and the possibility of his daughter never being born, along with him too. As much as we know, they could make a mistake that would erase the whole known timeline. Time is a dangerous thing to play with. 
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| Posted: Sun Aug 19, 2007 2:42 pm Post subject: |
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And so that you know, I read the whole story, and that's why I am posting in 00:30 am.  Also, D-Lotus has a point in having 2 Smurs in the story. It' only logical to conclude that due to the pretty constant molecular structure of our known universe there are no physical changes in the timeline in the time they show up.
Although you could have 2 Smurs, you have to see that logically the past Smur cannot be "replaced" by the future Smur, and then we have the problem in chapter one. There was only one Smur in the start. You could write it as though they were hiding from the past Smur, only interacting with his daughter and trick her into thinking that he is the "present" and not the "future" Smur. They could even be the one taking her (I mean to save her from the "Collector), and that the others see them doing that and think that one of them was a Collector taking her away, so they make a time loop! A little bit of Star Trek if you ask me. As Jean-Luc Picard would say: "Engage!"
You can make it a challenge for Draggon not to interfere when they turn back in time and see the killing of her companion (killed by our anti-hero). I smell dilemma here!  Everybody who lived in the past lives, and who died dies. No exceptions. Very nice basis for a plot, I must admit.
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Sun Aug 19, 2007 4:04 pm Post subject: |
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Thank-you Cyber! Welcome to the story and welcome to IF!
Your points are all valid, as the other ones. I must admit, this time portal is going to be interesting to write. I hope I can meet everyone's expectations.
~Is nervous all of a sudden~
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NeverNeverGirl
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| Posted: Sun Aug 19, 2007 4:54 pm Post subject: |
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i voted waaaayyyyy back as i would love to see what you can do with that dear mr Ren
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| Time and time again... |
| Back to the time Smur's daughter was snatched. |
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15% |
[ 2 ] |
| Back to chapter 1, and the last time he saw her. |
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30% |
[ 4 ] |
| The time he was outcast. |
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23% |
[ 3 ] |
| Back to when the Destroyer came! |
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7% |
[ 1 ] |
| Waaaay back to the time of the Ancients, when the portals were new. |
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23% |
[ 3 ] |
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| Total Votes : 13 |
| Who Voted: algu95, Chinaren, Crossfire, Crunchyfrog, CunningFox, Cyberworm, D-Lotus, Idea master, NeverNeverGirl, Polokin, The Meaning Of Fear |
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