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Chinaren
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 Posted: Fri Sep 14, 2007 12:57 am Post subject: Avarice chapter 12 - Devils & Dragons. |
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Last edited by Chinaren on Sat May 31, 2008 5:01 pm; edited 3 times in total
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Fri Sep 14, 2007 4:15 am Post subject: |
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Is there any device that is allowing the Black Devils to make the orange flames? If their frightening appearance is down to a body suit and mask, then what about their powers?
If the powers are natural, then I'd say go after the necromancer. At least he's friendly, and they're not. And Smur might get the opportunity to learn how to repel shades.
If the powers are not natural, then pick up and use them to an advantage!
Either way, Smur might be set to gain some power.
As far as the white machine is concerned, I would be inclined to believe what hte necromancer said, and leave well alone.
Very good chapter! 
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Cyberworm
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| Posted: Fri Sep 14, 2007 5:37 am Post subject: |
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You just keep surprising me, Cren. This was a very intriguing chappy indeed!  I say follow the remaining Devils.
Although the idea of Melty teaching him to use his undiscovered powers is pretty tempting, the events that took place clearly state that Melty is not very interested in helping them as much as he told them in the future.
And even if they get to the Blue Skies machine, it is very questionable whether the researchers and the others would listen to them, since it's their only hope for freedom and happiness.
Even so, every single of the available courses of action has a risk of failing, ruining everything, and ultimately: in every one of them there is a possibility of the Punisher being summoned.
If they go to the people and tell them to shut down the machine, they could think that they will try to sabotage them, and therefore speed up the preparations of the machine... which gives much space for errors. And if they go after the Devils or after Melty, they could miss their chance to stop the machine (if it is meant to be stopped, anyway)
Boy you got me thinking about this, Cren...
 
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algu95
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| Posted: Fri Sep 14, 2007 10:40 am Post subject: |
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Yey, new chappy!
I say follow melty. After all, they visited the future and it seemed not so bad (excuse me form me being seemingly sarcastic) and they can always use it to go back again. I only worry about them finding a second Alice XD
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The Meaning Of Fear
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| Posted: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:03 pm Post subject: |
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Follow the puddle-man. He's probably still got some info they can use.
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D-Lotus
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| Posted: Fri Sep 14, 2007 6:17 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | "We have to get back, warn them!” gasped Draggon. |
This doesn't sound like what anybody would say without the word 'and' before 'warn them'.
| Quote: | | Smur altered course |
This is not entirely incorrect, but for the sake of clarity, I would add 'his course' or 'the course'.
| Quote: | | He dived into it, to find himself in another thin passageway. |
Same here. I'd add 'only in order to find himself', or 'finding himself'.
| Quote: | | As he closed he could hear it was still alive |
'As he closed in' would be better.
| Quote: | | the man was wearing a red sock with a hole in the toe. |
'...in his toe', don't forget to use the possessive.
As for the DP. I think he only has one real option as long as he is accompanied by his reluctant daughter: Go with Mestro and Draggon.
He can't really chase after the melted man or the black devils with his daughter, since it would become too much of a danger situation for her. And he can't let Draggon and Mestro take care of her; he barely knows these people, and Mestro recently pointed a weapon at him.
Smur only has the option of fleeing elsewhere with his daughter, or aiding Mestro and Draggon. It seems that Alice is becoming attached to Draggon, so I would go back with them to their tribe.
There's always the danger that the tribe won't be very friendly to Smur, but he'll have to take the risk.
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Sat Sep 15, 2007 6:02 am Post subject: |
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Thanks for all your work D, though I don't actually agree with some of them. 
My writing could, perhaps, just might, not be 100% technically correct, and I am certainly willing to listen to feedback, but a lot of what people actually say isn't actually, technically correct. For the speech I'm trying to write it as I think people would say it.
| Quote: | | "We have to get back, warn them!" |
is contracted I know, but she's in a state of shock. She's gasping it out.
| Quote: | | Smur altered course |
I think the surrounding sentence makes added clarity unrequired* here.
| Quote: | | Quote: | | He dived into it, to find himself in another thin passageway. |
Same here. I'd add 'only in order to find himself', or 'finding himself'. |
'Only in order to...' is rather unwieldy here. Mmm, finding himself perhaps...
| Quote: | | Quote: | | As he closed he could hear it was still alive |
'As he closed in' would be better. |
My sentence does sound a little strange. Perhaps a comma could be added. I think 'closed in' adds too much baggage to the line.
I'm not sure about the next one, technically, but some things just don't sound right:
| Quote: | | Quote: | | the man was wearing a red sock with a hole in the toe. |
'...in his toe', don't forget to use the possessive. |
'The man was wearing a red sock with the hold in his toe' may** be correct, grammatically, but it doesn't sound right to me! It's what I'd say if I was saying such a thing.
Please don't think I'm poopooing your comments though! They always make me think, that's for sure!  Feedback like this is very useful for keeping me on my toes and helping me to improve, or trying to improve anyway... I'm very old and a bit set in my ways...
*Can't spell nessesserrerry.
**May not too. The subject of this sentence is the sock IMO, not the man. Maybe Schoolmarm can help?
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Mother Goose
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| Posted: Sat Sep 15, 2007 11:36 am Post subject: |
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I'm not Schoolmarm, but I definitely think it's "the toe". A hole in his toe sounds like a wound. I suppose you could say "its toe", but if I were talking I would say "the"..
I'd agree with a comma after "closed", for clarity, but in the rest of the cases I prefer the original and see nothing wrong with it. My teachers always had a horror of unnecessary words.
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D-Lotus
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| Posted: Sat Sep 15, 2007 12:04 pm Post subject: |
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Well, ok. But you don't actually have to reply to my corrections. Just use them, or not.
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OldJoe
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| Posted: Sat Sep 15, 2007 9:58 pm Post subject: |
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Ahm thinkin' yer chase them black devils down right quick. If yer can get yer hands on them big fire shootahs, then all the bettah.
The devils' have ter know the deal with Melty.
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Thu Sep 20, 2007 5:36 pm Post subject: |
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Okay then. Any other suggestions? I could put up a poll with the obvious choices, but sometimes someone comes up with something cunning.
I'll leave it another little while...
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| Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2007 1:35 am Post subject: |
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| Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2007 4:41 am Post subject: |
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Mmm. Obviously, they would be better off as a group, the larger the better. They must follow the Melted Man, for he has information vital to their causes (staying alive, preventing the Destroyer's coming or defeating it, etc.).
Smur should convince the others that they should stick together, and since it's a reasonable suggestion the others should agree with little need for persuasion. What they should do after that... Who knows?
Apart from continuing their noble quest, of course...
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Mon Sep 24, 2007 6:30 pm Post subject: |
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Some great suggestions here all. So, the poll is up, defeat the dragon of voting.
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D-Lotus
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| Posted: Mon Sep 24, 2007 8:35 pm Post subject: |
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Well, they did follow Melty last time, and it they nearly were killed, only to the effect that the old man ran away again- so this time I'm voting for them to return to Draggon's tribe.
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Chinaren
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D-Lotus
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| Posted: Tue Oct 02, 2007 5:28 pm Post subject: |
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What? You people voted for Alice to go with Draggon? Let's think in character, please! Would Smur ever allow the sunshine in his life to wander over to some far-off place with a couple of strangers- including one who recently made a threat of death?
And all that so he can chase after some loonie who is doesn't even want to remain in the same vicinity or time-period as Smur?
I think we're misjudging the circumstance and especially Smur's character.
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Tue Oct 02, 2007 9:01 pm Post subject: |
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Okay then, the votes have spoken. The poll is closed, I'm gunna start on the next chapter of this one, though I'm not sure how long it's going to take.
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| The end if nigh! |
| Search the body more, try and find out how to repel Shades. |
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25% |
[ 2 ] |
| Follow the black devils, try and convince the others to come. |
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0% |
[ 0 ] |
| Follow the black devils, let Alice go with Draggon. |
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37% |
[ 3 ] |
| Follow melty. |
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12% |
[ 1 ] |
| Go back with Draggon and Mestro. |
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12% |
[ 1 ] |
| Convince the group to follow Melty. |
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12% |
[ 1 ] |
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| Total Votes : 8 |
| Who Voted: algu95, Chinaren, Crunchyfrog, Cyberworm, D-Lotus, Lilith, Mephistopheles |
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