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Byl
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 Posted: Mon Apr 20, 2009 3:49 pm Post subject: The Kingdom's Great ( ch. 2 is up) |
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I just started this a while ago, but I hope to work on it some more, the setting is in the future, just so you know.
It's to warm today. As usual. But maybe I still haven't adapted to the infuriating desert climate of Rose City.
Such a funny name, Rose City, when not even a single flower blooms here. And such a strange place too. It has burning seasons every single year, even winter, but water all around it when the ocean is miles away. Sometimes I wonder why people even came to live here.
My name is Opal, and I have just recently moved here with my family. But I wish we didn't have too. Home was so much better than this junkyard. No not a junkyard, an endless wasteland.
"What are you doing Opal?" yelled Paws. Paws is my dog, and my best friend here. From his heavy panting I could tell he wasn't used to the heat either.
"Just looking at the Little Bear."
"Homesick again." That wasn't a question. Paws knows me too well than to just question me."This is going to be a traditon for sure. But you really should give this place a chance."
I trid giving him a mean glance, but I knew that wouldn't work. He still hasn't grown out of his big round puppy eyes. Long ears that just drop to the ground. And dainty little brown paws. Too cute to resist."Fine, I'll give it a shot."
"Good. Now go to sleep. We don't want to be late .
6 years later
"Ahhh, it's too hot!!!"
"Coal. what's with all the racket!" yelled Flower.
Flower and Coal are my friends here. Here is the Training School. A place were kids and teens, mainly orphans, under 16 attend. We are prepared for the real world here.
"You'll wake up all the newbies!"Flower's so bossy. Never really upholds her name. But she is the trainers' favorite.
"Oh just stop scolding me. Yes we know your going to graduate soon, but you don't have to act like you already have." Coal's is the the complete opposite of Flower. No trainer likes him. "Speaking of newbies, my brother's about to recieve his call sign soon."
"Well maybe it'll be better than yours at least" I replied smugly. Call signs are something to be very proud of. Once you recieved it you forget your old name completely. A great stepping stone to growing of age to have.
"Well... aarrggghh!!"
I always win a battle, whether phisical or emotional.
"Thanks Opal. Anyway, Boulder called you guys for a meeting." Boulder's one of the leading about to be graduates, like Flower.
***
"Wow, this is a bigger crowd than I thought." I said to Coal.
At least two-thirds of all the students who attend the training school were at the meeting. At first I believed it was only going to be a small metting for those close to graduating.
"Oh there you are." Squeaked a familiar voice.
"Pike! What are you doing here?" Pike's my little brother. He's live in Rose City for almost his life.
"Same as you. Boulder and everyone else are discussing about how much hotter it's getting and if we should leave or not."
"Leave?!"
"Yup. So which side are you on?"
_________________
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
Last edited by Byl on Mon May 11, 2009 4:10 pm; edited 3 times in total
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Lady of the Shadows
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| Posted: Mon Apr 20, 2009 10:13 pm Post subject: |
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Nice job so far!
A few spelling mistakes, but nothing hugely in need of correcting.
As for the DP, I think she's on the side that wants to leave. After all, isn't that what she wanted? Or did I just read wrong?
Anyway, I hope to read more of this!
_________________
Childhood is measured out by sounds and smells and sights, before the dark hour of reason grows. - John Betjeman
If you look long and hard into the deep of the abyss, you will find me. In the last rays of the lingering sun, you will find me. But I will not return to you yet.
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Tue Apr 21, 2009 11:49 am Post subject: |
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I'd say leave, too. She didn't seem like she wanted to stay, although maybe that has changed over six years. The story looks good, and leaves me with a lot of questions that I hope will be answered later on. If it's a school for orphans does that mean she's an orphan too? What happened to the dog? Why did they move there in the first place?
Just a few little mistakes in there. 'Too' instead of 'to' at one point, and one missed capital letter. Things a spell-checker wouldn't catch, but only a couple of them, nothing to worry about. Is the title means to be 'The Kingdom's Great'?
For formatting, you should put a little line between each paragraph, like you will see people doing in comments and chapters throughout the city. It makes things a little easier to read.
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Byl
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| Posted: Tue Apr 21, 2009 5:10 pm Post subject: |
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Oh, thank you. I had no Idea I made spelling mistakes and thanks for the tip of making spaces. And I had no idea I spelled the title wrong.(Alex, were ever you are, you may laugh.)
As for the many questions, I will answer those in the next chapter.
_________________
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
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alexandrie
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| Posted: Thu Apr 23, 2009 2:56 pm Post subject: |
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lol lol lol lol. Thanks for correcting my stuff though.
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Aqualunar
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Fri Apr 24, 2009 10:30 am Post subject: |
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Generally, in polls, authors don't put the consequences of the choice unless there have been several suggestions for slightly different choices. It gives you as an author more freedom to write and it gives us a reason to think about every possible implication when we vote.
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Sun Apr 26, 2009 11:18 am Post subject: |
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Heya Byl, and a belated welcome to the city. 
The advice given in the posts above is good - and I hope that you develop the characters a little more in the next chapter. I voted the first option because there's more of the unknown - and looks like I broke a tie.
Cheers!
CF
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Byl
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| Posted: Mon Apr 27, 2009 3:20 pm Post subject: |
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Yay, the tie breaker. finally i don't have to do anything worse. And thanks White Blacksmith for how I should actually do the polls. (or else it will be a tie again). But now I'm wondering if I write the next chapter on this thread or make another one.
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alexandrie
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| Posted: Mon Apr 27, 2009 3:24 pm Post subject: |
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write the next chapter on this thread.
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Aqualunar
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Wed Apr 29, 2009 8:56 am Post subject: |
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Yeah. It clutters up the forums and makes things harder to find if all chapters are in different threads. You don't have to write it all in a post here - it's easier to write it as a Word document (or whatever you use), spell check and then post. That way you can save it and you won't lose it.
Really looking forwards to the next chapter!
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Byl
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| Posted: Thu Apr 30, 2009 4:44 pm Post subject: |
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Yay, thank you all for voting, and now ch. 2, but in a differant persons point of view, Muahaha
Ch.2
"Lady A'marie, the votes have been counted."
I watched as my older sister walked in her normal graceful way the same guard. Life has been the same always, boring. Nothing interesting ever seems to happen.
"Thank you Jerome" she replied sweetly as always while he handed her a letter. It was probably another same old message about there being a party for a noble in another town or the peasants complaint. A'marie will probably make the same old face to it, boring.
But, a little to my surprise, it wasn't. She was just as surprised as me. "Sister, what is it?"
"Remember the soldiers?"
I knew about the soldiers a little bit. She always said that they were mostly orphans picked off the street and trained as combat fighters. Mainly because there were not many volunteers. It made me somewhat happy that I wasn't with them. I much prefered my sleek couch to a shared sleepingbag anytime. But I had no idea what they had to do with anything.
"Well one of them has made the final vote."
"Final vote?"
"Oh, yes. I didn't tell you did I." She replied with an awkward face. The only time she made that face or never told me about something, she knew I was going to dislike it very much. "Aden, you're great in history."
Indeed I was. The storyies' of the past were the only thing that didn't seem terrible to me. I love the many legends of heroes and myths of old times. Yet it also made me sad that our life wasn't as great back then.
"Well, Aden, it's clear that Rose City is one of the smoggiest towns of all in this little 'kingdom' , so we made a little poll. To either stay longer and hope for the best, or leave to find a better place to settle."
To be honest I didn't like the promise of both of the choices. Both me and A'marie knew better than anyone else in town that our little metropolis was crumbling. If we stayed even a little longer the 'Buildings' were sure to come down. But home was home, and I deeply knew I wanted it to stay that way. "So what was decided?" I crossed my fingers in hope to stay.
"Well, it first came out as a tie. But one soldier trainie broke it. She voted yes."
"Yes?"
"Yes."
"YES ON WHAT?!"
There was a moment of silence. This also usually happened when A'marie knew I couln't win.
"To leave."
The first thing that came to mind was to find that soldier. But I found myself in a coincidential situation. To wait, or go and find her right now.
_________________
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
Last edited by Byl on Tue May 05, 2009 3:02 pm; edited 1 time in total
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Fri May 01, 2009 10:34 am Post subject: |
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Wait. There's no chance she'll by found amongst all the soldiers by one child.
A lot of little mistakes in that chapter. Nothing that makes it impossible to read, but just jars a little and makes it harder to enjoy the story.
| Quote: | | same old massage about there being a party for a nobel |
Argh! It should be 'message' and 'noble'.
| Quote: | | in her normal graceful way the the normal always the same guard. |
This seems a little confused. What do you want to say?
I've no idea how to spell this either, unfortunately. I think it's 'awkward' though.
| Quote: | | The story's of the past |
Should be 'stories'. Later in this paragraph you hop tenses briefly too.
This scans badly. Remove the comma and it's fine.
| Quote: | | longer the building were sure |
'Buildings'.
| Quote: | | came to mind, was find that soldier. |
Either change this to 'came to mind was 'Find that soldier!'' or 'came to mind was to find that soldier.'
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alexandrie
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| Posted: Fri May 01, 2009 5:34 pm Post subject: |
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I think she should go. There would be little else to do.
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Aqualunar
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Byl
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| Posted: Tue May 05, 2009 3:04 pm Post subject: |
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there I made the corrections
I'm sorry I wasn't on for a while but I am very busy
Alex she is actually a he (trying to keep gender ratios even)
and Aden would be very determined to find her
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Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
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| Should he go find Opal (let's get it over with) |
| yes |
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100% |
[ 1 ] |
| no |
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| Total Votes : 1 |
| Who Voted: alexandrie |
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