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Chemai Sterini
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 Posted: Tue Mar 11, 2008 8:28 pm Post subject: Loyalties |
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Sort of different version of the one i tried last time but I will actually finish this one as I have to... wish I could finish stories whithout that lol. 
Loyalties
Tiss took a deep breath, steadied herself then strode in what she hoped to be a confident manner around the corner. Keeping her gaze away from the filthy gang of children massed around the wall she made her way as fast as she could, without running, towards the direction of the house. Hopefully today would be one of those rare days when they were too intimidated to stop her.
“Hey Tissy!” one of the boys called mockingly. The rest glared at her, muttering amongst themselves, then spread out slowly across the road to block her path. Tiss sighed and faced the familiar sight. When she first had to come this way they moved out of the way fearful of her, after all she was a Serie, mess with the Serie and you would regret it. Unfortunately they soon learned that this Serie was no threat, due to her reluctance to admit to her parents she couldn’t cope with a few common children.
“How’s mummy and daddy?” Another called, the groups confidence growing. Their glee at finding a Serie who they could pick on was only enhanced by the family’s failure to keep the land in good condition. In the last few years the land had grown steadily worse, meaning the common people couldn’t make enough out of it to make a living and many were going hungry.
Tiss tried to ignore them and push past but the crowd was growing and wherever she tried to move there was always people blocking her way. Hands reached out and grabbed at her, voices insisted she stay awhile and chat. With a final push she struggled free of the mass of bodies and, abandoning all pretence of dignity, sprinted away up the hill only stopping to catch her breath when she was far away from them.
Flopping down into the shelter of some bushes she screamed angrily and cursed the boys. Her family was doing the best they could to help and they had no right to take it out on her! Next time… she thought angrily then subsided into tears.
Through the veil of her tears she noticed a faint noise buzzing distractingly. Reluctantly she raised her head and wiped the tears from her eyes then looked around to see what was making the noise. She could make out vague shapes through the branches of the bush she was hiding behind. As they got closer she could see they were men… four… no five of them, heading straight towards her. She straightened suddenly, alarm flowing through her veins. Now she could make out their voices, low and menacing. She shifted around to conceal herself from sight and concentrated hard on understanding their words.
“You gave your word…” the voice filled Tiss with unexplainable horror and she shuddered.
“I know! You will get what was promised…” the rest was lost as Tiss gasped then bit back a scream. The voice was Thomar’s! Forcing herself to stay still she concentrated on the conversation again.
“I hope you’re not suddenly developing a conscience.” sneered another voice.
She recognised her brother’s voice again, rising in barely contained anger, “I said you will get the stones and so you will, do not forget who you are dealing with!” That seemed to subdue the others somewhat as their voices subsided into murmurs and moved slowly away. She sighed, relieved, and felt some of the tension that had been building up drain away. Only to make way for the shock and horror that soon enfolded her, holding her in a firm grip and freezing her in place.
Thoughts sped through her head, disappearing before she could remember them. What on earth was Thomar doing? Who were those men? She struggled to remember the little she had heard and make sense of it. He had said something about stones, she hadn't heard of any stones... She groaned, none of it made any sense and she was too tired to think further. Maybe she could work it out after a good nights sleep, ha! Like that was ever going to happen. Reluctantly she dragged herself out of the bushes and trudged back to the house, muttering an incomprehensible response to the few questions asked of her then collapsing into bed.
Struggling out of the vestiges of sleep Tiss sat up and groaned, she was still exhausted. Her sleep had been poor and troubled by terrible dreams though she didn't remember any particulars, only a lingering sense of unease. On thinking of what had happened the night before and what awaited her today she nearly sank back into sleep. She didn't want to have to face this on top of anything else! Why couldn't someone else in her family get a share of the bad luck! She wondered why she kept going then smiled, Beni of course. She had adopted him around two years ago, after finding him following her around constantly. Well not properly adopted, she had persuaded her parents to let him stay with them as long as she looked after him and no one else in the family had accepted him.
Her smile faded as she considered the present again, she needed to find out what Thomar has been doing before she talked to him. She could ask Vela or Marto however that would raise suspicions and she didn’t want to tell them yet. The only other option was the library; it contained much on the family and land’s history. She knew it well as she had escaped there many times when she was younger; she had learned much from it.
Jumping up with new vigour she hurriedly dressed and rushed to the library. Now where to start… she thought, and scanned the shelves looking for a good place to begin. Finally she decided on a book about the land and its resources, perhaps the “stones” where some sort of valuable rock. She flicked to the index at the back and searched for anything that could be related to what she had heard last night. She found a few possibles but after checking them nothing seemed to fit. A few books later she found one on the history of the family and its legends. She nearly put it back – it was probably a load of old myths with no sense. However a word on the back caught her attention, it read “…including the earth stones, light lance…” the list continued with other mystical names. Her first instinct was to put it away, she didn’t believe in any of that rubbish, but yet…
_____________________________________________________________
Again any response appreciated, I'd love to know what you think of it/what you think could be improved.
_________________
Greetings,
I am here to have fun and (hopefully) make friends.
Talk to me!
-------------------------------------------------------
http://www.cityofif.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=4899 - Loyalties (Linear)
http://www.cityofif.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=3919 - Daughter of the Forest (Linear)
http://www.cityofif.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=5049&highlight= - Daughter of the Forest 2 (SG)
Last edited by Chemai Sterini on Tue Apr 29, 2008 6:26 am; edited 1 time in total
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Chemai Sterini
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| Posted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 4:14 am Post subject: |
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Attempting to build up her courage, Tiss knocked quietly on the study door. There was no answer. She waited awhile, knocked again then pushed the door slowly open. Her breath caught as she saw Osillia sitting on a chair, gazing at a painting. She had hoped that they wouldn’t be home and she could delay talking to them for another day.
“Osillia.” Osillia jumped and looked up as her name was spoken. “I… I… need to talk to you about something.” The words sounded awkward and she looked at the floor, embarrassed.
“Sure.” Osillia’s smile was warm, as always and Tiss felt a modicum of calm returning to her.
Do I really want to do this? She asked herself. She wasn’t sure, not at all. But she had no choice; she had to talk to somebody. “It’s about… Thomar.”
“What’s about Thomar?” Tiss winced as the sharp voice cut into the silence as her mother, Vela, strode into the study.
“I think… I think he’s trying to sell the earth stones!” She blurted out. Osillia gasped, shock spreading across her face; her mother’s face was expressionless and was impossible to read.
“Oh that’s silly, Thomar would never do anything like that!” Osillia’s shock soon turned to amusement.
“What do you know about the earth stones?” Her mother’s voice was harsh and Tiss turned to face her hesitantly.
“I read about them in a book.” She sounded braver than she felt and glared at her mother, daring her to challenge it.
Osillia rose “Look I know you and Thomar don’t always get on great, but… well… the earth stones are perfectly safe and Thomar wouldn’t do something like that.” She smiled apologetically at Tiss as she said it but Tiss reeled from the implication as she walked out the door.
“I’m not making it up!” Tiss muttered angrily, turning to leave.
“Wait a moment Tissla.” Her mother called her back, “If you know anything you will stop meddling in things that don’t concern you.” Her voice was low and threatening
“It does concern me; I am part of this family as well!” Tiss protested weakly.
“I can assure you that I and your father have everything under control; you have no need to worry.” The look of contempt on her face betrayed her words.
Tiss opened her mouth to protest again but promptly shut it, realising there was no point. She turned and dashed from the room, trying to hold back tears and not disgrace herself even more.
Tiss wandered slowly down the path towards the garden her thoughts skipping from subject to subject. She reached the pond and sat heavily down onto the grass bank. Letting out a sigh she gazed sadly at her reflection in the water; her greasy hair hung loose to her shoulders and there were dark circles under her eyes. Her difficulty getting to sleep had been significantly worsened since she had discovered what her brother was doing. She had felt constantly tired over the last few days and she knew it showed on her face.
“Worried about something?” Tiss jumped up as a voice interrupted the calm of the garden then took a step back when she saw who it was. A lady dressed in the red and gold colours of the royal investigators stood before her, a smile on her face and a soldier behind her. She stared at her aghast, her mind reeling and trying to think why she would be here.
“Please, sit down.” The woman’s confidence surprised Tiss though her shocked mind couldn’t comprehend why.
Tiss sat and stared at her, “Who…who are you?” She stammered, then inwardly berated herself for such a rude question.
“Ah, please forgive me my manners. My name is Saya; I am a servant of the Crown.” She settled herself on the ground and smiled at Tiss again, “It has come to our attention that there may be… problems within your family.” Her words took awhile to sink through.
Tiss tried to hide her shock as she realised Saya was referring to Thomar and stammered out a response, “I… I don’t know of any.” She smiled nervously and attempted to look innocent; perhaps she would she was just intimidated by her. That much was certainly true.
“Try to think back, have any of your family been acting… different lately? Has anything been said that seems unusual?” Her voice was kind and Tiss found herself struggling with the urge to share her burden with this woman she had only just met.
“No, no, I’m quite sure, everything is just fine. She glanced nervously towards the man waiting silently behind Saya. His face was blank but he looked ready to spring to action at the slightest trouble.
Saya followed her glance and chuckled, “You have no need to worry about him my dear.” She made a quick sign with her hand and the man melted back into the trees without a sound. “Well thank you for your help, and be sure to report anything unusual to me.”
“How… how will I do that?” Tiss asked, wondering how you contacted a Royal Investigator.
Saya reached into her pocket and brought out a pebble, setting it on Tiss’s hand. Just speak my name into this and you will find me.” She smiled one final time; stood up and strode out of the garden without another word. Tiss went back to staring in to the pond, her mind digesting what had just happened.
_________________
Greetings,
I am here to have fun and (hopefully) make friends.
Talk to me!
-------------------------------------------------------
http://www.cityofif.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=4899 - Loyalties (Linear)
http://www.cityofif.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=3919 - Daughter of the Forest (Linear)
http://www.cityofif.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=5049&highlight= - Daughter of the Forest 2 (SG)
Last edited by Chemai Sterini on Tue Apr 29, 2008 6:28 am; edited 2 times in total
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Chemai Sterini
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| Posted: Mon Apr 28, 2008 12:00 pm Post subject: |
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Eventually she rose and walked back to the house still as undecided as to what she should do and feeling worse by the minute.
“Hey, Tiss!” Thomar called to Tiss as he strode casually up the path towards her. He sounded friendly and relaxed however she knew this was probably not the case.
“What is it? I’m kind of busy.” She waved her hand vaguely at the sewing that was draped over her lap, picking it up quickly.
“What? You? Too busy with sewing to talk to your own brother?” He replied jokingly and smiled. Yet this time the smile was slightly forced and his voice unnatural.
Tiss gave up the pretence and put the cloth gently down on the table beside her and turned to look at Thomar. “What is it Thomar?” She tried to keep her voice light but failed.
“We need to have a talk, you know, brother to sister?” He glanced quickly towards Beni lying on the ground beside her gazing intently at the ground. Tiss didn’t miss it. She opened her mouth to respond then shut it again, realising there was no point. She nodded her head silently then turned to Beni.
“I’m just going with Thomar for a bit, you’ll be okay here won’t you Beni?”
Beni mumbled something into the ground that sounded like an agreement, still focused on the ground.
Once they were out of sight Thomar turned to face Tiss, the casual friendliness replaced by a cold, hard glare. “I hear you’ve been prying into my business sister.” He pronounced the last word with contempt, “Now I want you to forget your strange imaginings about me.”
“I’m not imagining anything!” Tiss retorted immediately, “I know what I heard!”
Thomar’s glare intensified, “You should know there will be, consequences if you betray your family.”
“What consequences?” Tiss asked, trying to act scornfully, “And what have my family ever done for me?”
“We accepted Beni for your sake. I’m sure you wouldn’t want any, accidents to happen to him now.”
Tiss gasped and went pale at the implied meaning in his words, “You… You…” She stuttered, “You evil…!”
Thomar smiled coldly again and turned to walk back up to the house, his gait calm and steady. Tiss collapsed onto her knees staring at he ground in disbelief. How could he even say such a thing? Fear for Beni overwhelmed her and she subsided into tears. By the time she had stopped the sun had dropped down in the sky and the light was beginning to fade.
She jolted up, stunned, “Beni!” she murmured, shocked that she had forgotten him. She sprinted desperately through the bushes back to where she had left him and stared in disbelief at the empty garden. “NO!” She yelled at the ground, beating at it with her fists, not knowing how she had got to the ground.
_________________
Greetings,
I am here to have fun and (hopefully) make friends.
Talk to me!
-------------------------------------------------------
http://www.cityofif.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=4899 - Loyalties (Linear)
http://www.cityofif.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=3919 - Daughter of the Forest (Linear)
http://www.cityofif.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=5049&highlight= - Daughter of the Forest 2 (SG)
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Smee
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| Posted: Mon Apr 28, 2008 1:08 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Chemai,
Had a few minutes spare and I drifted down Linear lane.
Enjoyable start to the story, it shows promise to be a good tale.
It's a little jumpy and a tad confusing in places. The pace of it is pushing the plot forward before I had chance to take in some of the details.
For example, I don't really know what sort of world this is. Is it deep fantasy, or is it something more Earth like. What technology is there?
There's some clues, like the communication stone, suggesting there's some magic in the world. And a library/paintings on the wall. Suggesting a certain level of technology. But with all the plot going on, it's hard to get an accurate view and keep up with the pace.
A couple of technical things for you, although just random bits picked up whilst reading, I didn't comb through in detail...
| Quote: | | though she didn't remember and particulars |
'And' should be 'any.
~
| Quote: | | Tiss wondered slowly down the path |
Wandered.
~
| Quote: | | Letting out a sigh and gazing sadly at her reflection in the water; her greasy hair hung lose to her shoulders and there were dark circles under her eyes. |
This is a bit of a weird sentence. The start of it suggests some action will follow at the end of the sentence, yet nothing happens.
i.e Letting out a sigh... she does something.
Perhaps you meant. "Letting out a sigh she gazed sadly at her reflection..."
That would make more sense.
~
Minor things. You seem to enjoy your stories. The characters have feeling, and the plot certainly is intriguing. Some nice descriptive parts too.
Keep it going, and
Happy Writing 
_________________
The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Mon Apr 28, 2008 4:44 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | Letting out a sigh and gazing sadly at her reflection in the water; her greasy hair hung lose to her shoulders and there were dark circles under her eyes. |
_________________
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My Amazon page.
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Chemai Sterini
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| Posted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 6:33 am Post subject: |
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| Smee wrote: | | The pace of it is pushing the plot forward before I had chance to take in some of the details. |
Thats prob because I was trying to get it done quickly becuase it was suppossed to be in by a specific time (which was a few months ago now lol). Also i'm finding it really difficult to concentrate atm.
| Smee wrote: | | Quote: | | Letting out a sigh and gazing sadly at her reflection in the water; her greasy hair hung lose to her shoulders and there were dark circles under her eyes. |
This is a bit of a weird sentence. The start of it suggests some action will follow at the end of the sentence, yet nothing happens.
i.e Letting out a sigh... she does something.
Perhaps you meant. "Letting out a sigh she gazed sadly at her reflection..."
That would make more sense. |
I started that sentence with the intent of having action then changed it - forgot to change the first bit.
Thanks for the corrections and comment
Edit: I'm so sorry China!!
_________________
Greetings,
I am here to have fun and (hopefully) make friends.
Talk to me!
-------------------------------------------------------
http://www.cityofif.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=4899 - Loyalties (Linear)
http://www.cityofif.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=3919 - Daughter of the Forest (Linear)
http://www.cityofif.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=5049&highlight= - Daughter of the Forest 2 (SG)
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scissorkitty
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| Posted: Wed May 07, 2008 3:29 pm Post subject: |
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I'm definitely enjoying this so far, I agree that there's a little background info about the world in general that would lend itself better to setting up the story.. and I'm a little confused about the positions of everyone in society: ie the Royals, the Serie, the relationship between these positions and the village folk.
Also, what the heck is Beni? A talking... what?
And what does the Family DO, exactly?
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Chemai Sterini
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 11:13 am Post subject: Re: Loyalties |
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Thanks for the replies!
| Chemai Sterini wrote: | | She wondered why she kept going then smiled, Beni of course. She had adopted him around two years ago, after finding him following her around constantly. Well not properly adopted, she had persuaded her parents to let him stay with them as long as she looked after him and no one else in the family had accepted him. |
He's a six year old boy, just realised I didn't actually say.
I'll have a look at trying to edit it top put in some more detail but I'm not sure when I'll have the time or energy 
_________________
Greetings,
I am here to have fun and (hopefully) make friends.
Talk to me!
-------------------------------------------------------
http://www.cityofif.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=4899 - Loyalties (Linear)
http://www.cityofif.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=3919 - Daughter of the Forest (Linear)
http://www.cityofif.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=5049&highlight= - Daughter of the Forest 2 (SG)
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