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worldtripper
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 Posted: Wed Mar 30, 2011 12:13 am Post subject: The Myrmidon |
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Sean relished the twinkle of rain on the skin. Especially after a run; he stood slack with his shirt off and bare footed. As he took another draw from the habit he should probably quit, the canopy extinguished it for him with a well aimed droplet. Annoyed, but subtly grateful, he threw it away and felt instantly guilty for the littering. Introspection was his enemy and in the same thread of thought he remembered why he started smoking in the first place.
His hair entangled his ears and forehead in stringy wet locks, irritating his face. Wiping the hair from his field of vision, an urge to shave it off passed by. The rain was growing heavier, as was the wind. Muttering beyond the stealth of a whisper, he retreated from the forest and set a course home. Sean liked this forest, there were no paths.
The shirt he had abandoned on a low branch had to be rung dry. It was covered in pine needles and flakes of bark; he judged it would be more comfortable to carry than to wear. Jogging with garment in tow, relieving most of the debris, nimble feet guided him over the roots and down inclines. Never straying far from rest, he found his moss covered dwelling before the darker clouds. The clearing in which he stayed let him see the approaching storm. Hatches were in need of battening.
Breaching the only door, he was welcomed by warm air and the full aroma of roasting venison. Already dirty, he dumped his shirt on the ground. His shelter was nothing more than a wooden lodge with no separate rooms. The hearth was centred in the room surrounded by neatly cut stone, blackened with use. The floor was grit and sand to reduce the risk of any mishaps. Trees moaned in the boisterous winds. After placing a roll of leather at the base of the door he closed the vent of his conical roof.
Smouldering pleasantly, the coals of the fire gave off very little smoke. He poked at the meat on the wooden spit and tore off pieces to satisfy his immediate hunger. It was a thick leg and needed a while longer over the heat; the outside however was tender, hot and delicious. His door was abruptly shoved wide, smearing the leather into the ground. He spun on his heals tense and ready, animals did not usually bother him, but desperation could drive one to madness. The smell of venison would make anything salivate in these lonely woods.
Fortunately it was just a branch. Sean assumed that it had snapped from one of the tall pines and had been carried by the wind. He kicked the branch from his step, stood at the door and resumed chewing. Shielding his eyes with a hand he peered into the now lashing climate. There was an animal out there, it was largely indistinguishable but his eyes managed the white of its coat before it sank, into the shelter of the forest.
He shut the door once more. Releasing a sigh, Sean idled to his hammock and sat tired but happy. Reminiscing over his luck, he imagined what life would be like if he did not find this abandoned and once dilapidated lodge. It was doubtful that he would still love the rain. Under the hammock wrapped in hemp cloth was his only treasure. He lay back and let his joints find comfort. Stretching the tightness from his muscles he reached for his possession.
Anxious winds changed direction. The woodland blustered against it to let him know as much. Sean weighed the heavy object in two hands. Pulling one of the corners of the cloth and letting it fall from the smooth surface, he held an orb. Cold, plain and devoid of colour, it looked nothing more than a perfectly round stone. He passed it back and forth between palms, contemplating before wrapping it again and placing it back where it belonged.
A lump of fat melted and dripped onto the coals. The sizzle and tongues of fire let him know that his meal was probably ready. Standing, he walked towards a stool with a wooden board which lay beside it, accompanied with a large, rough looking knife. There was a moan and a great crack outside, he paused a moment and thought about the noise. If it wasn’t for the wind his sharp ears could tell him that a big piece of wood had just snapped.
Before he could continue with his meal, the most destructive force he had seen in years ploughed through his home. The walls splintered and logs splayed apart as a heaving pine thumped the humble out of his abode. The smell of ripped wood burst through the air. Rolling instinctively to the place of least hazard, he saved his body from danger. Grazed and beaten from sprawling in the dirt Sean collected his senses. The tree continued to snap and crackle, unsettled from its fall. Composing himself, he couldn’t help but notice a disturbing dent on the wrong side of the trees’ impact. It was as if it had been struck.
The weather invited itself in and put out the little fire. The venison was wet and covered in soot. Whilst Sean was trying to get to grips with the disaster his treasure was rolling away out of the great gaping gash in his hut. He sprang to his feet and dashed through the dust for the rock.
Before he could make the grab a leathery black hand slammed upon it. He looked up to meet a giant face with flat teeth and scarred lips. Ram like horns crowning the terrible head curved threateningly toward him. Its yellow eyes showed animalistic intelligence. In that small moment, he could tell that this creature knew what it was after. He was holding his knife in his left hand and made a plug into the flesh of the beasts’ neck. It reeled back and let out a howl louder than the sky.
The animal scrambled across the ground, fearing Sean for his unexpected sting. The snowy white monster leapt away into the trees, leaving the prize behind but taking his weapon in its hide. He grabbed his shirt he found strewn on the ground and cloaked the grey ball with it. Finding shelter in the side of his home that still had a roof he panted wide eyed and shaking. He tried to decide what to do next.
“I can’t believe they found me... After all this time, they found me again.”
Last edited by worldtripper on Fri Apr 01, 2011 8:28 pm; edited 6 times in total
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| Posted: Wed Mar 30, 2011 3:20 am Post subject: |
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Good story. I can see the character is left handed and that he can take care of himself when troule is brewing. So, the lycans are after him or that object...? 
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Wed Mar 30, 2011 4:11 am Post subject: |
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Good start!
Although the paragraphs were a little to chunky (easy to lose your place in them) there was some good use of words in places.
In particular I liked | Quote: | | the weather invited itself in and put out the little fire |
For a moment I thought the object was bouncing out of the hut with a life of its own, but I guess with the strong winds it was being blown or sucked out.
Judging by what he says, he's been hunted down before. But what to do next? Well, he can't stay where he is, he'll have to get out of there, because whether its him or the object these creatures want, they're going to be back with reinforcements.
My suggestion would be for him to pack up his essential belongings and get out of there!
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Wed Mar 30, 2011 8:07 am Post subject: |
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Some great lead in descriptions but yeah, I would separate those paragraphs where new thoughts begin at least.
And the first portion of it was better delivered than the last. Once the action started, you really started shortcutting on the descriptions of what was happening. I followed it, and the gist of the whole thing is quite interesting, but would've liked to see a bit more description in the delivery once the fit hits the shan.
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 CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...  
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worldtripper
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| Posted: Thu Mar 31, 2011 8:34 am Post subject: |
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| Thank you kindly for your time. I have improved upon the chapter and taken into account your suggestions. You may want to read it again if you would like a more accurate picture of what is happening. I will wait for a few more suggestions before creating a poll. I hope you enjoy what I have planned for this.
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Thu Mar 31, 2011 7:56 pm Post subject: |
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Ok, so the way the paras are separated now is a HUGE improvement.
Now, take this purely as feedback aimed at helping you to improve a bit (and not to mean you have a lot of improving to do either... heck, we all do.)
But:
| Quote: | Before he could continue his preparations, the most destructive force he had seen in years ploughed through his home. He rolled instinctively to the safest area. If he had still been lying down one of the taller pines of the forest would have pound him flat. He sat in the dirt mouth agape with disbelief.
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This is a great paragraph with the vast exception that it could use a lot more detail. The first sentance sounds like the beginning of a paragraph that will describe the devestation in audible, olfactory, tactile, and visual sense. But as we've just read the first sentance, expecting the get more detail, we are thrust immediately into his reaction instead - perhaps best to be framed in the next (EDIT: PARAGRAPH. I mean, its good to always keep the activity moving, but I guess I felt a bit cheated here and figured I'd point it out - not to be mean, but to offer honest feedback.
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Zephyrrr! And...
Last edited by Thunderbird on Fri Apr 01, 2011 6:57 am; edited 1 time in total
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worldtripper
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| Posted: Thu Mar 31, 2011 10:58 pm Post subject: |
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I would actually prefer that you were more critical and less polite. 
My ego is not so easily bruised and I would very much like to become the best possible writer I can be. Though I am quite content having readers with even the smallest iota of input. Maybe this paragraph is more satisfying?
I try to remember these rules when writing. Stories grow in the mind, develop on the paper and refine in the reading. Grow, develop, refine! It's my motto in mostly everything I do.
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Smee
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| Posted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 2:24 am Post subject: |
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Hey, and a Welcome to IF from me - I like your avatar.
More critical and less polite 'eh... that could probably be arranged 
I'll agree with what others have said here. There's moments of greatness interspirsed throughout, but then I'm caught out by expectation of another such moment only it doesn't arrive. The disappointment arguably worse than if there were never any moments at all.
| Quote: | | Muttering beyond the stealth of a whisper |
I think this is a lovely phrase.
| Quote: | | a globule fell extinguishing the fire. |
Here I think you were trying too hard to find words beyond the obvious. I wouldn't really consider the lit-end of a cigarette a 'fire', and globule doesn't seem to add any more to the sentence than a simple 'drop' would have. Perhaps a 'stray drop fell, extingushing the glow' or something like that?
Normally the time to look for the none obvious word is to avoid repetition. Such as here :
| Quote: | | he retreated from the forest and set a path home. Sean liked this forest, there were no paths. |
The double path was jarring to me. In this case I would suggest changing the first one, and could simply become 'set off toward home.'
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| Quote: | | The shirt he had abandoned on a dead branch had to be rung dry. It was inside out and covered in bark and bracken |
Bracken seems an odd thing to cover it... it's quite a large leafy plant, fairly easy to brush off. Perhaps moss, lichen... those sorts of things that might stick/stain a bit harder?
~
| Quote: | | By the time he was home, twilight had set in the sky; the overcast had turned to the hue of his eyes. |
Something about 'twilight' setting doesn't sit right with me. To my mind, twilight is what happens as the sun is setting. It doesn't set itself. I think I know what you're trying to convey though. Perhaps something like 'Twilight had dominated the sky', 'Twilight had overtaken the sky'
You can then add some of the description that TB feels robbed off, bring a bit more imagery to the scene. 'The swirling purples of twilight dominated the sky'.
The overcast what? It reads like there is a word missing.
'By the time he was home the swirling purple of twilight dominated the sky. The tumbling grey clouds mixing with the last remains of the sun matched the dark hue of his eyes.
~
| Quote: | | He poked at the meat on the spit and tore [off] a few pieces for consumption. |
| Quote: | | but he managed [to see] the white of its coat before it sank into the shelter of the forest. |
Missing words?
| Quote: | | and plugged it downward into the flesh of the beasts’ neck |
'Plugged' seems an odd word. Did you mean 'plunged'?
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What to do next? I guess that depends heavily on how well he knows these persuers and how likely it is, as Crunchy suggests, they come back with reinforcements.
Ordinarily, given there is a storm raging, I would say shelter is more important at the moment. There's part of the hut with a roof still, that's likely the best shelter for many leagues. Hunker down, get what sleep we can and leave first thing in the morning.
However, if reinforcements are likely, then yeah, there's no choice but to leave immediately.
~
Happy Writing 
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 7:06 am Post subject: |
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Yep, that was definately an improvement in that paragraph. I'd separate into a new paragraph though as soon as you start describing his reaction.
And note that this was only one example to point out. There were other areas that could have used more depth like this, particularly in the conflict with the creature.
I actually like some of the off-beat ways you describe things - but Smee has a point with some of it... don't let it go so far as to be confusing or stretching the boundaries of grammar. In fact, in many ways I find this quality to be one of the strongest aspects of your writing.
Its funny though - as I review my own works from when I began writing, I did the same thing and began to find, over time, that I learned to write in a more basic and explicit manner, favoring clarity over creativity and I think its been a positive shift. Letting the story being told become the awe of the tale, which carries more impact when it is clearly understood, is more important than trying to WOW us with clever ways of crafting sentences... as a general rule anyhow.
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Zephyrrr! And...
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worldtripper
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| Posted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 8:47 am Post subject: |
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There we are, it is Friday and I am under the influence, so maybe reviewing my story was a mistake. I deeply appreciate the help everyone. It's more attention than I can convince people of immediate contact to give. Anyway, our suggestions so far.
Shall we wait out the storm in what's left of the cabin?
We could gather up what we can, act like a good shepard does and get the flock out of there.
Or, just for funnsies, hunt the damn monster down!
I'll leave it another twenty-four hours before I shove a poll up. Maybe someone has yet to reveal a better idea?
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 10:15 am Post subject: |
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Enjoy being under the influence!
I have just re-read and I have to say that this is much improved. I realise that you've already gone through some edits based on the critiques you've received since, and I feel as if I'm a little late with this one. Still... my 
This is much easier to read now that the paragraphs have been broken down. I've also picked up on more detail that I previously missed (although this may also be new stuff you've edited in).
You have a very creative way with your vocabulary, which I find a pleasure to read. I agree to an extent with Thunderbird, though, to be careful not to overdo it.
Just one observation from me, and this is just something to bear in mind for the future... I did feel that in places your choice of words seemed incongruous with the situation.
For example: (and I realise I'm using a paragraph you've already edited!)
| Quote: | | Before he could continue with his meal, the most destructive force he had seen in years ploughed through his home. The walls splintered and logs splayed apart as a heaving pine thumped the humble out of his abode. The smell of ripped wood burst through the air. Rolling instinctively to the nearest place of calm; his eyelashes fluttered away the dust. Grazed and beaten from the sudden exertion he knelt in the dirt. |
Now he's just had his home torn in two by a falling tree. This a scene of natural violence. The words I've highlighted here in his reaction have (to me) too much of an impression of quiet and and calm given what's just happened. There's going to be hot ash in that dust. It's going to hurt. He's going to be surprised and frightened. Is there really a place of calm in that hut, or is it more accurately a place out of harm's way? Would his eyelashes really flutter, or would he blink out the dirt? Would he cower instead of kneel? How would he be feeling?
Of course this is only an opinion, so don't think that because I've made this observation that you should feel compelled to change it.
This is a great start, and I'm looking forward to seeing how it develops. I've made my suggestion already so I'm ready and waiting for the poll.
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 6:56 pm Post subject: |
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Hmm... some nice subtext of term use notes there CF... not something I often give enough thought to myself. Very nice feedback. Some real 401 level notes - nice!
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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| Posted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 8:37 pm Post subject: |
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Here we go, a simple poll. I'll leave this up for just a few days. What do we think of a chapter a week being a good pace? I may have to start another story. My fingers are getting itchier.
Thank you kindly Crunchyfrog, I have made some possibly suitable changes and stored your knowledge for later use. Hopfully I can retain all of this help when I come to scribble the next chapter.
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Sun Apr 03, 2011 11:08 am Post subject: |
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...And voted!
There's a rather interesting discussion going on about frequency of chapters in this thread right now (from about two thirds of the way down) - which may help you guage your timing.
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Thu Apr 14, 2011 10:25 am Post subject: |
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| There's a 3 way tie here, people!
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Vikas Muralidharan
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| Posted: Wed May 04, 2011 1:30 am Post subject: |
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I think I just made it a two way tie
Anyway, I kinda liked the post. The only problem I had was lack of description and detail (a lot of people point that out with my chapters, now I see how they feel )
I guess I need to improve on that as well. The fact is, I feel the part after "The most destructive force" "ploughes through" his home would have been much more enjoyable with more details.
Seems like we both have a common problem. 
Im looking forward to the next chapter
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| Posted: Sat May 21, 2011 1:18 am Post subject: |
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| Yeay I voted
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Sun May 22, 2011 3:22 am Post subject: Poke |
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*Pooookes* Even more pokels!!! Me wants more!
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