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The White Blacksmith
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 Posted: Tue May 19, 2009 11:46 am Post subject: |
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And here I was looking forward to reading a new story!
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HalfEmptyHero
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| Posted: Wed May 20, 2009 2:10 pm Post subject: |
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| The White Blacksmith wrote: | | And here I was looking forward to reading a new story! |
I do have another one on the way, should have it along with Chapter Four done by Monday night if everything goes as planned.
Hmm... a tie. What to do. I'll give it another day then make a decision.
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HalfEmptyHero
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| Posted: Mon Aug 31, 2009 6:04 pm Post subject: |
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| Sorry I've been gone for so long. I don't have a new chapter yet, although I did rewrite the first chapter. I didn't change anything in the plot, just did some editing and fancied it up a bit. I should have rewrites of chapter two and three as well as chapter four written come next monday, so look forward to them.
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 1:08 am Post subject: |
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I shall be looking forward to it!
Welcome back - great avatar by the way!
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HalfEmptyHero
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| Posted: Mon Sep 07, 2009 8:35 pm Post subject: |
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| Some unforeseen events occurred today when I planned on writing the new chapter (that's what I get for being in the Marine Corps), so I didn't get the chapter written. I have half of chapter 2 edited, but I don't think I'm going to finish editing it or 3 for a while now, I just don't have enough time. Hopefully this weekend will be uneventful and I will be able to write it.
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The Meaning Of Fear
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| Posted: Tue Sep 22, 2009 1:20 am Post subject: |
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Okay, I'm reading this from start to finish, so it looks like I'll have to organize my comment on the writing into chapters.
Chapter 1 comments:
A very interesting beginning! I particularly like the idea of heroes, but what really piques my interest here is the main character.
From my interpretation of the sort of prologue-y bit, it seemed like he was a careful, very considerate child, and fond of his parents. One timeskip later, we find him cursing the world, speaking almost as if he meant to abandon it to its own filth, but him "taking care of his street" suggests the idea of justice, rights and wrongs, and doing something about it, are still firmly planted in his mind, which is in itself interesting and amusing. His strange circumstances (and perhaps his indifference to it) mark him as, to some degree, eccentric, and I like that in a character. Did I mention I've recently taken to eating cereal in a mug? 
Also, a list of typos I found in the chapter:
| Quote: | | I would stay back and leave them to their piece, and had they |
peace
| Quote: | | My father was a talk man with broad shoulders and a bulky frame. |
tall
| Quote: | | They don’t hold the weight of the world in there hands.” |
their
| Quote: | | You must stop it from happening from other people. |
I believe you mean "to other people"
| Quote: | | and I was certain they were got fearing individuals who shut their doors to pray. |
God fearing individuals
| Quote: | | I was ghost, not seen, not heard, but they knew I was there. |
"...was a ghost..." ?
| Quote: | | The city was corrupt, just the country, just like the world. |
Probably meant to be "just like the country"
| Quote: | | The world could drawn itself in lust and greed as long as |
drown
| Quote: | | The downside to being predictible, I suppose. |
predictable
| Quote: | | I quickly straddled his check and started driving my fists |
chest? Unless he straddled his cheek, in which case that would be a somewhat disturbing description. 
Chapter 2:
First of all, I lol'd at Smee's comment, because I couldn't imagine this story without a warning at the top.
Well, you'd hinted from the start that it would be a dark story, but I didn't quite expect just how fast you made it so very dark indeed. Guns and gangs isn't all that unusual in a story anymore, not even drugs or rape, but the bit about him enjoying pain (both dishing it out and receiving it) made me go "Oooookaaaay...". The speed at which he dispatched those thugs was pretty surprising too; he's obviously had some experience with this sort of stuff.
And again, some typos:
I'd personally have thought a - would be more appropriate than a full stop.
| Quote: | | and the darkness of world flooded back upon me. |
darkness of the world?
Also: the "pole" is up, indeed. 
Chapter 3:
After the last two chapters I was quite eager for more, but I must say, this particular chapter somewhat disappointed me.
As Crunchy previously noted, the chapter became rushed, and it lost some of its 'oomph'. You put days and months in a matter of paragraphs, which, while acceptable depending on your situation, didn't seem to achieve what you needed with the story. My own suggestion is to try and emphasize on his acts of cleansing his street; make it more elaborate, not like he came back just to scrub some insignificant stain away, but, of course, don't make it too long.
| Quote: | | Something about it all threw just made me just my appetite for it. |
Huh...?
| Quote: | | The criminals somehow need it was game on, and began to terrorize |
Err, did you by any chance mean "knew it was game on"?
| Quote: | | “Shall I ring it up?” The salesman asked me? |
change the ? to a full stop.
Overall, I'm very interested in what becomes of this story, and I'd certainly love to read more of it. Looking at the post dates now, though, you haven't posted for a little over a week! Come back soon, because you don't want to keep us readers waiting! 
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Cherish all your memories, even the bad ones, for they are what makes you who you are.
Doors to the truth, an SG where a boy is propelled into worlds he is unfamiliar with. He crosses many worlds, and sees many things that force him to throw away his innocence, once, and for all. Fourth Chapter, out for viewing!
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HalfEmptyHero
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| Posted: Wed Sep 23, 2009 11:14 am Post subject: |
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Don't worry, I am still active. I've partially done with the next chapter, however I really want to rewrite chapter 3 (if not 2 and 3) before I finish it. If I don't have to work this Saturday (hopefully I won't) I will at the very least have chapter 3 rewritten.
Oh, and thanks for the error corrections. I correct my writing, just rewrite it and so when I put the wrong word in, like the examples you have given, the spell checker thinks they are right and I don't even notice them. But it looks like my spell checker sucks anyways.
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Wed Sep 23, 2009 5:17 pm Post subject: |
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WoW TMoF gave ya a real once over there... good job Fear!
Once you have them rewritten, are you going to post them as edited versions? I'd be interested in knowing when you do. PM me and I'll be the first to read through the rewritten chapters. I'll happily wait til' then, but I will definately catch up if you're still active.
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Smee
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| Posted: Wed Sep 23, 2009 10:59 pm Post subject: |
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Yup - I'll be catching up too. Let us know when the rewrites are done and we can catch up then.
Happy Writing 
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HalfEmptyHero
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| Posted: Thu Sep 24, 2009 7:50 pm Post subject: |
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| Very well, I'll let you guys know when I do.
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Amichan
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| Posted: Thu Sep 24, 2009 9:08 pm Post subject: |
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| Hadn't been here for a while but i did take the time to get caught up ... Very good sg !!!!! as for the DP who is to say that this new girl isn't a ghost of his past from the midnight rangers incident she could be a seductress or some odd princess... but that ghost from the past angle kinda sounds intriguing .. it could put your main characters judgement and morality back in jeopardy
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DeadManWalking
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| Posted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 7:02 am Post subject: |
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Damnations! I consistently miss suggestions phase. *sigh*
Still, good work! I just need to get around to it sooner.
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HalfEmptyHero
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| Posted: Tue Oct 27, 2009 4:05 pm Post subject: |
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| Unfortunately, writer's block has struck me and although I have tried for the past three or four weekends, I cannot seem to figure out how to start writing the fourth chapter. I was hoping to get it out by this weekend, as I am going to try NaNoWriMo, but it doesn't look like it will happen. As long as NaNo doesn't kill me, I'll be back to finish this in a little over a month.
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Thu Oct 29, 2009 2:05 pm Post subject: |
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| Good luck with Nano!
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