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Lost Omega
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 Posted: Fri Jan 21, 2011 11:03 am Post subject: The Athena Project |
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PROLOGUE
Planet Zephyrellia
My team and I had been sent to a remote location of the planet Zephyrellia, located in the Chilton systems. We had been sent to investigate some unrecognized communications signals around the area. The reasoning behind this was that Zephyrellia had long been abandoned and stripped of resources. There was no explanation that the higher-ups could think of to explain this phenomenon.
The shuttle touched down and my five squad members and I stepped out and surveyed our surroundings. Zephyrellia was originally a garden world rife with life. Then a cruiser belonging to an alien race had passed near Earth. Thanks to our xenophobic tendencies, we launched an all-out assault on the cruiser and, not to our knowledge, the planet which controlled the cruiser.
This was humanity’s first full-blown war on a galactic level. We had the guns and the ships but Earth alone did not have the resources to sustain its military operations. This sparked a massive movement for colonization in other planets in the galaxy. One of the most profitable colonies was Zephyrellia. Zephyrellia had been virtually untouched in terms of resources. It was rich in platinum, and other precious metals needed for Earth’s military operations. After a few months, Zephyrellia had been mostly mined out and deforested. Because the planet had served its purpose, the colonists pulled out, leaving the planet as nothing but a barren husk of what it once was.
Zephyrellia had long since become a desert planet and 42 years after the war, humanity had returned to world we had destroyed. The planet looked like there was never green in its existence. The ground had turned to dirt and there were no plants to be seen. We were dropped off near the entrance to an old mine.
“The signals appear to be coming from inside the mine, sir.” Pressly said. He was the newest member of the team as he signed on only three months ago. We didn’t think much of this mission so we decided to bring him with us.
“Well let’s go on in then,” I said. “Samuel, send the probe inside.” The LRD (long-range detection) probe was a relatively new technology that allowed us to see in dark spaces without the need for lights or heavy night vision goggles. The probe uses echolocation. It sends out strong frequencies and as the waves bounce back to the probe, it creates an image on the screen in our visors. Any images made are automatically saved and updated every second so we can always see no matter how far away the probe is. We needn’t worry about any hostiles. Our weightless radars, built into our helmets would take care of that for us.
Samuel sent the probe and we got a feed from inside the mine. Samuel was our technology expert. Any techno issue you have, you go to her. She’ll make you feel stupid while helping you but, in any case, it’s good to have her around. On top of her technological prowess, she’s also very handy with a gun. We headed into the mine as soon as the images showed up on our visors.
Pressly, Samuel, and I headed the group while Hurston, Chiches, and Suraka held the back of the group. The signal was apparently 500 feet into the mine. Upon arrival to the signal source, we found nothing. There was no transmitter, no computer, not even a creature of any sort that could’ve created the signal. The signal was still strong, however.
“What the hell?” Chiches said. “There’s nothing here.”
“Maybe it’s in the wall.” Suraka said.
I fired up the penetrating scanner. The scanner is embedded in the palm so all you have to do to use it is turn it on and run your hand against a surface. Samuel, Hurston, and I ran the scanners against the walls and found nothing.
Suddenly, our visors went dark. Something had taken out the probe and now we were blind in the depths of a damned cave.
We drew our weapons and prepared ourselves for a fight.
“HOLY SHIT!” We heard Suraka scream out in the dark.
“Are you all right? Suraka!” Samuel called out. There was no response.
“There’s something wrong here, sir.” Hurston said.
“Well you better shoot it!” I commanded.
“ARGH!” We heard Chiches next and in our panic we fired in his direction. We heard an inhuman shriek and a gurgling noise.
“Christ! We need to get out of here!” Samuel screamed. She ran off. We could hear her footsteps.
“Samuel, wait!” I shouted. We heard her scream and we could hear the splash of her blood hitting the ground.
“SHIT!” Hurston shouted. We started firing in all directions. We didn’t care where we were aiming. Our only thought was to survive.
The only things we could see were what were visible in the flashes as our guns fired. One of the flashes revealed a bullet from my gun flying through Pressly’s head. We heard his body crumple to the ground and we heard more inhuman screaming in the dark.
Hurston and I were the final two of our six man squad. The cave had gone quiet and we could smell the blood of our dead squad members. The only sound we could hear was the sound of our breathing.
Hurston screamed out. “HELP ME!” I fired in the direction of the screams but was cut off when something attacked me with razor sharp claws. The claws tore right through my armor and my flesh. I started bleeding dangerously. I felt my strength leaving my body and my breath getting short. My vision started fading.
“You’re gonna be fine commander. You’re gonna survive this.”
_________________
Never meddle in the affairs of dragons as you are crunchy and go well with ketchup.
Check out my SG, Freedom's Call! Chapter 4 - Part 2 is up NOW! In Skiffiville!
What can you do if you live in a shoe but you ain't got no sole?
Have you seen my ninja? He's around here somewhere... Qk
I've got eggs!   
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Fri Jan 21, 2011 11:11 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, the second part of the chapter took me a bit re-reading to understand, but on the whole, its a pretty good prologue.
There were a lot of repetitions of words, which distracts a few readers and its something to keep in mind. It was also something that I struggled with when I started writing, and I'll show you a few examples from your prologue.
| Quote: | | We heard her scream and we could hear the splash of her blood hitting the ground. |
| Quote: | | We heard his body crumple to the ground and we heard more inhuman screaming in the dark. |
| Quote: | The only sound we could hear was the sound of our breathing.
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I think you see what I mean. Try to read through your work and then edit it to make it much better.
The first sentence could be.. "We heard her scream and the sound of blood splashing on the floor", but I doubt if gunshot injuries would make blood 'splash'.
The second one could be.. "It was so quiet that we we could hear ourselves breathing" or something to that effect.
There are a few other niggles, but you'll sort em out with practice. On the whole it was a good prologue, and I enjoyed reading it.
Will be waiting for more!!! 
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Sun Jan 30, 2011 12:47 pm Post subject: I think..... |
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Oki, it was kind difficult to wade my way through this, but I'm likeing the story, so far. The over reactions of the seasoned officers seems a bit un-realistic. There must have been other times where they lost their probe, and have a back-up one for such occassions. I have to agree with Vishal about the repedetive use of 'hear' in all it's forms. It got rather sticky there.
Over all, I like this beginning, but I think perhaps you sould study up on sentance enhancments and grammar. I hope to be seeing more from you soon!
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Lost Omega
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| Posted: Sun Jan 30, 2011 4:38 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for the constructive criticisms Vishal and Alessandros. I'm working on the first chapter now and I'll try to get it up as soon as possible.
_________________
Never meddle in the affairs of dragons as you are crunchy and go well with ketchup.
Check out my SG, Freedom's Call! Chapter 4 - Part 2 is up NOW! In Skiffiville!
What can you do if you live in a shoe but you ain't got no sole?
Have you seen my ninja? He's around here somewhere... Qk
I've got eggs!
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Mon Jan 31, 2011 4:00 am Post subject: |
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Sure, We all would want to help each other out! Hope to see a great first chapter!
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 1:49 am Post subject: |
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A good preamble. I'm amazed that an entire planet could be exhausted of its resources in a matter of months - but I guess we don't yet know how far advanced human technology has become.
It'll be interesting to see what the first chapter has in store. 
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Thunderbird
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Midnight
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| Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 4:03 pm Post subject: |
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I'm liking it. I look forward to more. It reminded me of Dead Space and Alien. Nice work.
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I want the dark, I want the night.
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Vikas Muralidharan
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| Posted: Wed May 04, 2011 1:15 am Post subject: |
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Nice prologue..... Im looking forward to the 1st chapter...
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Vikas Muralidharan
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Sun May 22, 2011 2:27 am Post subject: Poke |
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*Pooooookes* More please? I's loved this!
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Vikas Muralidharan
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| Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2011 6:45 am Post subject: |
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Still looking forward to Chapter 1...
Is this on?! o.O
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