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Exmortis
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 Posted: Tue Jan 25, 2011 3:57 am Post subject: Priority Mission at Fifth Man's Heath. (TEASER) |
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Hawkes looked out over the urban wasteland to the well defended fortress, The Fifth man's heath. A weary sign escaped Hawkes, this entire mission seemed pointless. It was a risky endeavour to begin with but what made it ridiculous was the goal: rescuing a single unknown agent. The reward for such a task didn't seem to compensate for the potential reward. Two men outside, one inside and all for a single prisoner, it was without a doubt, a fools errand. Hawkes shifted uncomfortably after which he glanced over to Mark, who had positioned himself amongst a pile of miscellaneous bits and pieces of concrete and steel. He appeared to be studying the entrance of the enemy's citadel through a pair of binoculars.
Hawkes was honoured when he heard that he would be accompanying an old pro on a vital mission. Markus was a veteran of nearly a dozen raids on several sectors; the most notable of which was his single handed purge of the Dreadknot conversion facility. It was this victory which gained him the honorary title Markus the Unperceived. He had even been offered a chance to ascend to the rank of legends, The Anti-theists. Markus had blatantly refused this offer. This wasn't a particularly unusual choice, most people who are given the opportunity to join the ranks of the Anti-theists often decline. Apparently there is a substantial amount of trials and testing that an initiate needs to undergo in order to gain this prestigious rank. As the rumours go, many would-be Anti-theists have lost a great many things because of what they had to do, their lives being the least terrible.
Suddenly a sharp hissing sound shattered Hawkes train of thought. Apparently, Markus had already begun scaling the dilapidated structure on which they were positioned. The look in his eye told Hawkes everything he needed to know.
Markus had received the signal from our operative, it was time to begin this grim task.
---
Earlier, inside the fortress David was prepared for what came next. Breaking into this tin toy chest of a fortification was easy enough, but what came now would require all of his skill. Carefully watching from behind the pipes David waited for a unescorted Conduit to pass by. He had chosen to impersonate a Conduit because they have a far greater level of freedom when it come to moving about facilities such as these. The only downside is that they are a particularly dangerous variety of Theist whose purpose is to hunt down and kill atheists. If one were to pass by and notice me then there could be trouble. I am relatively sure that I could kill him, however the commotion would almost certainly attract more theists.
It was tedious waiting, every second he was down here increased the chance of being discovered. Using the eye, it was quite easy to see who was coming and who wasn't, but that just made his job more irritating.Finally, a conduit passed by, and without guards it was just that easier to detain him. A few moments later, there was a blood soaked corpse lying behind the pipe and a disguised David in the hall way. With a grin David activated his receiver, sending the signal for the plan to commence and made his way toward the holding pens. As he made his way for the holding pens, David was very careful to avoid any confrontations with any passing Theists. In fact in order for him to avoid any other conduits David redirected his route several times. While it was safe to assume that simple Theists would remain ignorant to his presence the same could not be said about a Conduit. At last David had arrived at the Holding pens. David turned and headed up the iron grate stairs to the security centre.
A theist was present, lucky for David he was merely a grunt. Once again a smile crossed David's face as his hand slid into his coat pocket. Eventuality the Theist noticed him and after standing to attention for a couple minutes he noticed that something was wrong. When he finally understood the situation he began to back away from the atheist who stood disguised before him. David was delighted at how his face gradually became distorted with disbelief and intense terror. Pulling his arm behind his head the foot soldier struggled to write an offensive element, however he didn't seem to be having much luck. For a moment David entertained the thought that he couldn't produce anything because he was terrified. However, it was more likely though he was just too inexperienced or perhaps incompetent to maintain it with an atheist so close. Suddenly bright yellow sparks began to erupt from this readied hand as he struggle to produce a means of self-defence. A sudden flash of light momentarily illuminated even the darkest corners of the room followed almost instantaneously by a brief roar and splatter of human flesh torn asunder and then silence reigned.
The guard collapsed and David lowered his Magnum causing wisps of smoke snaking from the barrel of the weapon to twist through the air. Without wasting any more time David made his way over to the control console. Hastily David examined the console; there was a series of levers on the console and it appeared that each controlled a door in the holding pen. Without further hesitation David flipped all of the switches and proceeded to rendezvous with his comrades. As he left the small security station he couldn't help but admire his handy work causing his thin lips had snaked into the shape of a twisted smile. He could rationalize this killing, in fact he was sure he would, by saying that in this world this man's body will break down into raw data and his mind cleared and transferred into the HRS program where it shall be implanted into a new born child and given another chance, but to be honest he just liked the fact that he still worthy of the title David of the First blood.
---
As Hawkes and Markus approached the fortified gates of the Fifth man's heath he noticed that unlike a few minutes ago all the guards had left their posts. As the small squad of Atheists moved closer to the clearing in front of the gate Hawkes grew more and more uncertain of the scenario. Markus on the other hand appeared completely unaffected by the lack of activity, in fact Hawkes thought he could see a kind of eagerness behind those old eyes. Hawkes stopped and crouched down at the very last bit of usable cover before the clearing, sure that this was a Theist trap or ambush. However Markus continued to move until he was well out of cover and then he stopped. He turned back toward the place where Hawkes was concealed. Markus pointed at Hawkes then brought his index and middle fingers to his eyes then pointed to himself. This was a message, and was a fairly simple one at that. Essentially it means, You watch me. Markus turn back towards the colossal gates and once again began to walk towards them. Every second that passed Hawkes expected a theist to strike down Markus with a fireball or something of a similar nature, however, no such thing occurred.
When Markus was about three metres from the Monumental gateway of Fifth man's heath, the gates opened. Markus kept walking, passing through the gates as they opened, Hawkes seeing that the entire fortress appeared void of Theists, followed without any further delay. Passing though those infamous gates was a very surreal experience, after all there had been atheist's who where hundreds of ranks higher then Hawkes who hadn't even made it this far. Suddenly a voice pierced through Hawkes' astonishment. Within seconds Hawkes had located the source of the voice; A Conduit perched atop a guard tower. Cold dread filled Hawkes's veins and froze his muscles in place.
Conduits; a specialize group of theists whose primary goal is seek and destroy Atheists. What makes conduits so very dangerous is their code writing. It is a modified version of the code more commonly use amongst normal theists.This code allows the Conduits to preform incredibly fast and lethal attacks which cannot be negated by atheist methods. However, for some reason the conduits have never released their secrets to the public. This has created the theory that Conduits are similar to our Anti-theists somehow. It is common knowledge that out of all of the 3200 ranks anyone below rank 100 will most likely not survive an encounter with a Conduit. What chance does a rank 637 Atheist have against such a monster.
Hawkes remained frozen in place unable to react because of his still growing terror. The Conduit lept down to the ground not two metres from Hawkes then just stood their staring at him. After a couple moments passed, the Conduit starting laughing maniacally.
"Damn kid, you should see your face... It is priceless!"
Hawkes just stood there, dumbfounded, as this Conduit stood there almost falling over himself laughing. Markus' stoic, yet cutting voice could be heard, even over the Conduit deranged gibber gabber.
"David! Hawkes! Hurry up and keep your voices down, we don't have much time before the Theists get control over the situation."
The conduit glanced over to Markus who was standing at the entrance to the main complex.
"Ah... Marky, Marky, Marky. When did you become so terribly boring, I was just having fun with the rookie over here. Is that so bad?"
Markus stared at David in a way that seemed to created an air of dread within Hawkes, and by the look on David's face he could feel it too. Abruptly Markus broke off eye contact and turned and entered the facility. With this, David, the Conduit sighed heavily and he turned back to me.
"Better get going before the big boss man over there decides to turn this into a solo mission."
With this we followed Markus into the Fifth man's heath.
---
Burn and bloodied corpses lay silently as the small squad of Atheists moved swiftly down the primary corridor. Obviously this place had been the sight of a huge confrontation but it had seemed that whatever had occurred here had ended long before they had arrived. However, the sounds of battles seemed to be coming from literally everywhere else. Hawkes found himself shooting quick glances at the mutilated bodies. He noticed that while some of them were wearing the Fifth Man's heath guard uniforms, others looked to be prisoners.
"They made a pretty good distraction didn't they. Put a Cultist and a Theist in a room together and they will fight relentlessly until one, or both, of them are dead." David's voice was darkened with grim undertones as the three of them strode through the piles of mutilated corpses.
Hawkes had heard of Cultists before, however he had never actually seen one before. As he understood it, Cultists and Theists both follow the same beliefs. The difference between them is that cultists worship the antagonist in their myths, whereas the Theists follow the protagonist, or in other words their God. In the modern day, Cultists are weak and their numbers dwindling. A turn of events which was fine with the Atheists, it just meant that there was one less enemy they had to deal with
As they progressed further down the corridor the sounds of battle grew loader and the sickly sweet scent of rotting flesh began to take root in the air. Hawkes doubled his pace to escape the horrid smell, but it seemed to stick to him, burning his nostrils. Eventually after what seemed like an eon of holding his breath Hawkes spied a light penetrating the darkness at the end of rank smelling tunnel. Hawkes and his comrades sprinted towards the end of the corridor into the daylight... and into the middle of an all out fire fight between the Theist guards and liberated Cultists.
The Atheists stopped dead. They were standing at the eastern entrance of a relatively large courtyard. Hawkes knew there wasn't enough time to prepare a new route to their goal. It also seemed unlikely that they would be able to navigate through this vicious battle royal without attracting attention. A stray fireball slammed into the ground a few metres to Hawkes' left causing him to jump in surprise.
"Wh...What are we going to do...?" Hawkes managed to stemmer despite the dread gathering in his core.
"Maybe we should run away?..." David joked. "... Then again, that would almost certainly reflect negatively on us. That would be bad, we might lose our street cred; and who knows... this may even turn out to be fun." Hawkes looked over at him as an eager grin began to spread across his face. David brushed his coat aside and wrapped his fingers around the grip of a particularly large gun.
"David, just stop talking and concentrate. Hawkes stay behind us" Markus said, his voice even and deadly serious. Slowly Markus crossed his arms over his chest, carefully sliding his hands into his coat
By now, a few nearby Theists and Cultists had noticed that they were having increased difficulty producing and reconstructing data. Some of them had already found the source of problem, their glaring eyes falling on the small squad of Atheists. Hawkes felt his heart wrench, as several Theists turned their attention away from the Cultists to him, their faces distorted in fury and hatred. David's grin widened and his face filled with what can only be described as a kind of maniacal delight.
"Looks like the party is about to begin... Ah, how I adore parties, with all the games and funny hats... Oh, look a welcoming party!" David cooed, his voice breaking with exhilaration.
A mere fraction of a second after he had spoken the words his magnum was up, pointing squarely at the group of oncoming Theists. A psychotic grin split his face, as he pulled the trigger. An earsplitting explosion ripped through the air as a white streak of a bullet burst from the barrel of the gun. It struck the chest of one of the oncoming Theists, the second it made contact it the unfortunate Theist was pulled off his feet as the bullet dragged him back and as that second passed, so did the bullet. Blowing open his chest cavity and creating a shock wave which knocked back two or three other Theists. The bullet continued on, not delayed in the slightest by the doomed individuals standing in it's path and producing a spider web of cracks when it finally came to rest after colliding with a wall.
This impressive little stunt had seemed to have gained the attention of most Theists and Cultists in the courtyard. Without warning, dozens of them ran at the atheist's small group, sporting knives to batons to broken bottles. A couple fireballs were flung towards their general direction however, the combined presence of the atheists dissolved the burning orbs before Hawkes could even feel their heat. Hawkes began to shake a little. Steadily, Markus bent his knees and in a single fluid motion swept his arms away from his body bringing them to either side of him. In each of his hands, a large sickle-like knife. The howling hoard of Theists and Cultists thundered towards the veteran Atheist. All of a sudden, the air in the area around Markus began to shimmer as if disturbed by an invisible force. Casually Markus strode towards the blood thirsty army of believers. Horror spread across Hawkes' face as he saw his superior walk straight into the middle of the enemy's ranks. Quickly Hawkes looked down as a half dozen men lunged at Markus. Mere moments later, a chorus of grotesque screams pierced Hawkes eardrums. Hesitantly glancing back up at the battle, Hawkes saw the remains of attackers backing away from the slowly approaching Markus, the shifting air around him seemed to have been replaced by a cloud of blood vapour and a trail of shredded human remains, apparently the only tangable remains of the attackers.
After pushing the few surviving enemies back a few metres he stopped and the shimmering arua around his began to blur. As it blurred Hawkes could make out individual swings of his arms which previously appeared to be hanging limply at his sides. Finally he stopped, and began lightly panting. Sensing weakness the hoard of attacker ran at Markus again. Markus responded in kind, running straight into their ranks slicing and hacking as he went. Following hot on his heels was David he fired a series of shots from his Magnum tearing enemies to pieces from a distance.
As the battle raged on Hawkes couldn't help but gape in awe; He had heard of the might those Atheists who had achieved a 50+ ranking but he could have never imagined tey were capible such destruction. Hawkes felt worthless in comparison, he wanted to help his allies but all he could do was stand there and watch in amazement as they fought off wave after wave of opponents. Between the two veteran Atheists they had killed at least one hundred theists. However, Hawkes could plainly see that his comrades were being worn down by the sheer number of theists. A new tide of theist reinforcements crashed against the Atheists from the northern and western ends of the courtyard, as if in responce to this observation.
Hawkes watched in horror as his comrades were overwealmed by the new hoard of attackers. Without warning, these new attackers struck from all sides relentlessly asssulting the Atheist intruders from every possible angle. Hawkes felts his eyes grow wide as a Theist ran up behind David and thrusted a hunting knife towards the bas of his skull, and then everything went black.
Suddenly, the world went cold.
Markus backed up in shock. Every Theist and Cultist had frozen in their place. Their faces frozen in expressions of war-like fury. Chills ran up Markus' back as he looked across this battlefield, frozen, and shrouded in justaposed silence.
Puzzled, Markus scanned the courtyard for his David and Hawkes. He spotted David first, who appeared to be poking a Cultist who was gripping a large hunting knive above his head with both hands. It appeared as if he was about to proform a killing blow the very moment he was frozen. And then, Markus found Hawkes. He was about one hundred paces from him, he stood silently, his head tilted downwards. The ground around him seemed darker then the rest of the coutyard. It was an eerie sight indeed. Markus called out but the sound was stolen away the moment it hit the air.
(Taking a break, quite a bit more to go yet... happy reading)
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Last edited by Exmortis on Fri Mar 11, 2011 12:23 am; edited 7 times in total
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 8:52 pm Post subject: |
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Ok, so welcome to IF Exmortis! Nice to see an Aussie on board with us  (My wife, as some may know, is an Australian as well.)
For feedback, I'm going to immediately suggest (strongly) that you space out your paragraphs... and make a lot more paragraph breaks. Its hard on the eyes to have a lot of unbroken text on a screen.
WATCH the spelling! I know we spell a few words a bit differently but that doesn't excuse many of those typos. Make sure to run your work through a spellchecker first (though that won't catch everything...) Not asking for perfection here but they were numerous and thus worth a mention.
When you break the narrative with in character thoughts, try using italics for those thoughts and make sure to distinguish that text from the rest of the narrative like you would any other dialogue (with paragraph breaks etc...)
As for the storyline, we don't know too much about the setting but you infer enough to catch on, adding a lot of neat tidbit details to really set a nice neo-religious sci-fi tone. So kudos on presenting an intriguing opener. I'm set and ready to read more.
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 CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...  
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Exmortis
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| Posted: Sat Jan 29, 2011 1:49 am Post subject: |
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Mhm... Thanks for the advice.
Also, thank you for your comment on the storyline. I enjoy such comments.
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Last edited by Exmortis on Sat Jan 29, 2011 2:47 am; edited 1 time in total
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Exmortis
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| Posted: Sat Jan 29, 2011 2:42 am Post subject: |
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Is that better?
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Sat Jan 29, 2011 4:56 am Post subject: |
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Looks good. But I feel the second paragraph could be helped. It looks like there are two paras in the end but there needs to be a empty space between 'em. Very much readable, though.
This looks like it could become an interesting SG. Definitely has my attention. I'll follow this one!! Looking forward to what the first chapter has to offer!
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Exmortis
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| Posted: Sat Jan 29, 2011 3:39 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, that is the teaser. What do you think?
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| Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 1:34 am Post subject: |
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Didn't get to read the first time around, so I'm looking at the new version for the first time.
The paragraph spacing looks good, although the dialogue near the bottom needs to have spaces in between. Take a look at some of the formatting in the other stories posted on this site, to get an idea.
But enough of that - the story itself is an interesting one. I got a little confused with the Theists, Atheists and Anti-theists - am I right in thinking that David actually killed one of his colleagues while releasing the prisoners?
As a teaser, it worked. Lots of questions - what world are we on, what's this war all about etc.
Let's see what comes next.
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Exmortis
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| Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 2:30 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | Didn't get to read the first time around, so I'm looking at the new version for the first time.
The paragraph spacing looks good, although the dialogue near the bottom needs to have spaces in between. Take a look at some of the formatting in the other stories posted on this site, to get an idea.
But enough of that - the story itself is an interesting one. I got a little confused with the Theists, Atheists and Anti-theists - am I right in thinking that David actually killed one of his colleagues while releasing the prisoners?
As a teaser, it worked. Lots of questions - what world are we on, what's this war all about etc.
Let's see what comes next. |
My rule of thumb is that if I get three posts asking me to create a story from a teaser I will put my ideas to paper... or, in this case, pixel...
I have been looking at a lot of other stories and I am improving at a steady rate. However, I am still a bit out of practice.
Uh... no, perhaps it wouldn't hurt to flesh this story out a bit more, maybe I will add a few more paragraphs... just give you the whole chapter.
The teaser takes place in an enemy facility, in this case the enemies are called Theists. The protagenist, Hawkes, is a low ranking footsoldier in a faction called the Atheists.
The mission team Hawkes is assigned to consists of two Atheists who are among the highest ranking, David and Markus. (Ranks are a measure of skill and ability) The Mission itself is to liberate an Atheist prisoner from this Theist facility.
David has managed to get inside then proceeded to kill a Conduit and steal his uniform. The disguised David made his way to the holding block, killed the guard on duty in the security center and opened the entire block. Releasing the occupants of said cells into the facility so that they would distract the guards.
After this task had been accomplished David returned to the main gates and opened them. (apparently whatever he released from the cells had required all the Theist guards on duty to subdue.)
The last scene was when David, Markus and Hawkes were entering the main facility in order to retrieve the captured Atheist agent.
The Atheists have special super soldiers called Anti-theists. The Theists are associated with another faction called the Conduits. Conduits deticate their lives to hunting and killing Atheists.
Do you understand the story now?
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| Posted: Fri Feb 25, 2011 5:14 am Post subject: I think..... |
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Interesting! I noticed a lot of things that were confuseing as heck though....
The sudden POV changes. Like, saying David did this, the suddenly, it's "I" You did it with Hawkes too, right near the end....either you're in the story, or you're watching. It's soooo cunfusing when you put I's in there.
Also, perhaps a line breaker between group changes. From David, to the guys outside, makes the transitions a little easyer. You had one in there, I wonder if you just fergot....
OH! When you were describing the theist form of attach, I had flashes to one of my favorite Anime, Loveless, and their "Word Spells". THE POWER OF WORDS! RAWR! Heheheh, sorry, it really is one of my favs *Grin*.
The whole part of him downloading somthing, and the putting into a baby....very confusing! I also wanna know what bullets that guy put in that Magnum to make a flash that bright!
David seems to enjoy his job...Makes for some nice darkness, I can't wait! *Sits and waits patiently*
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| Posted: Fri Feb 25, 2011 6:14 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | I noticed a lot of things that were confuseing as heck though.... |
That is supposed to happen.
When I create a teaser I want it to interest the reader but at the same time leave questions. This will leave you feeling unsatisfied and wanting the rest of the story.
| Quote: | | The whole part of him downloading somthing, and the putting into a baby....very confusing! |
Not quite...
That secret is part of one of the most critical features in this story. So, do not expect that I will release it in a teaser.
So if you want to see this teaser made into an actual story then Pm me with that request
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| Posted: Sat Feb 26, 2011 6:20 am Post subject: |
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Wow... this chapter seemed very breif in the brainstorming phase... I have progressed.
Only about thirty or fourty more paragraphs until I am done with this chapter...
(Just to clarify, I am giving you an entire chapter as a Teaser.)
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