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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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 Posted: Fri Feb 25, 2011 2:45 am Post subject: No Name Story - 5th Chapter *NEW* |
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Hey there everyone. I've been working on this book for a long time. I've only got about a 10th of it written, and most of it is all...well, I've written different parts of the story. I'd write what struck me at thte time. Thing is, I literaly WROTE all these down...Now I need to get it on the computer! Yay! *Hangs head* I'd like some serious looks at it. I'm not sure how exactly Curtique Corner works, but I'll be setting up a thred for this story as soon as I figure it out.
Anyway. For those of you who read my SGs, you'll notice that this character looks EXACTLY like the main character from -Is This Me?- AND IT'S FOR A REASON! You could say, -Is This Me- is another book in the series I'm planning. I have all of this book in my head, and I'm working hard to get it all down on paper/computer. Much of this will prolly look a little shallow. I guess you could say this is more of an outline at some points that an actual story, but THAT'S where/why I need your guys' input.
I thank you all in advance for any reviews you're willing to give *Bows*. Sorry, it's not leting me tab, so it may look a bit cramped. Tell me it this bother's you guys, and I'll do something about it.... Oh, and the name of the book isn't No Name Story....I just havn't figured out what to call it yet....So, yeah......Anyway! On to the story! I'm just now starting on chapter 2, and should have it up before the day's out, as well as a few other chapters need doing....
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To Be A Knight
And my first Finished work Death Day
Last edited by PopeAlessandrosXVIII on Mon Jun 13, 2011 10:15 am; edited 5 times in total
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| Posted: Fri Feb 25, 2011 2:46 am Post subject: Prolog |
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Prolog
I write you now a story from the realm of dreams. A story that happened before there was such a thing as fairy tales. Because, at that time, faeries were real....
In a small village, just north of a great forest, a baby is born. This babe makes not a sound, just looks on quietly as his mother's life fades. An old woman, his mother's nursemaid and best friend, cries her grief into the night. Her cries echo around the small hovel as she mourns the loss of her beloved friend. When the last twinkle of life vanishes from the eyes of the infant's mother, the nursemaid turns to the child.
Resting in a wicker cradle across the room, he remains silent. Her eyes roam over his small body. Wiping tears from her eyes, she feels a rage build inside, cursing the child for slaying her dear friend. “Tis a dark fate that brought you into this world little one,” she murmurs to the silent figure,”and to have taken the life of your mother so that you may life is a harsh way to do it.” The woman feels unease creep into her heart at the way the child stares back at her, unblinking, from across the room.
The woman clears her throat, and in a mocking tone she addresses the babe. “Well, seeing as your mother won't be around to do it, I guess I'll have to do the looking after of you, won't I?” She pauses. Rolling up her sleeves, she puts her hands on her hips. Studying the infant for several seconds, she finally nods to herself, making the decision. “I'll name you Steel. Not only did you slay your mother with the deftness of a steel blade, you're eyes,” she looks hard at the child, “are as cold and unforgiving as the deadly tool.”
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To Be A Knight
And my first Finished work Death Day
Last edited by PopeAlessandrosXVIII on Tue Mar 01, 2011 1:08 pm; edited 2 times in total
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| Posted: Fri Feb 25, 2011 2:48 am Post subject: Chapter 1 |
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Chapter 1
Thump thump, the pounding of his heart. Pat pat pat, the sound of his bare feet as the land hard on the well worn dirt road. The cries of his pursuers rings in his ears, being almost drowned out by the sound of his own heart throbbing in his ears. They're after him again. The children of the town can never catch him. He knows this, and so do they, but that fact won't stop them from trying. With no risk of him telling on them, and no punishment for them even if he did, they make sport of him at every opportunity.
Pausing at a corner, he looks about to get his bearings, breathing hard. His gaze is caught by a glint at his feet. Looking down, he stares into a clear pool that had been left behind by a light shower that had occurred during the night. The face looking up from that puddle looks like none other in the town.
Unlike the fair skinned Celo, his dark tan skin nearly matches the color of his rough tunic. Pushing back his hair, black as a moonless night, reveals up-swept pointed ears. These abnormal features have had people looking at him strangely ever since he was born, but it is his eyes that truly frighten them. Gray as the metal he's named for, they hold within them no warmth or light, like the glazed eyes of the dead. It's this deadness that makes the people of the town believe he's actually a devil from the other side of the great forest. It is his eyes that have him on the run now.
“There he is! Get him!” He whips around to face the direction from which the shout had come. A stone sent forth from the sling of one of the boys comes flying towards him. Unable to react in time, he simply watches as the stone whizzes past his right arm, leaving a large gash behind in it's wake. Eyes returning to the group of boy, he watches the owner of the sling let out a whoop, punching the air. He narrows his gaze. They are now between him and his only safe haven in this town.
Looking up to the left, he makes some quick calculations. Crouching low, he tenses, then springs high into the air, arm outstretched. Hooking the edge of the clay tile roof of the nearest building with his good arm, he hears the boys go silent. With catlike grace, he swings hard, flipping so he can land softly feet first on the blue tiles. He gazes down at the group, his cold eyes sending a shiver through the throng. Using this moment of recoil, he bends low, darting across the roof past them. Leaping to the ground behind them, he makes a quick dash for the door of his house. Hand on the handle, he looks back st the children.
The whole crowd erupts in a cloud of jeers and taunts. “Running home to your mama? Oh yeah, that right, you ain't got one!.” One boy cries, “Hope that old wench of yours dies soon, so you won't be able to hide behind he any more!” shouts another. The sting of their hurtful words fall an a numb heart. He sees a red head placing another stone in his sling. Sliding inside, he closes the door softly behind him, just in time to hear the stone clunk against the heavy wood. Sealing out the sound of their jeering, he moves into the front room.
To his left is a small hallway with two doors on the right hand side, ending in a dingy old window. To his right is an open doorway, leading to the kitchen. Here, in the front room, is a small table, and seated there, is the other resident of this dank little house. The woman’s hair is on the verge of being completely white, and her gnarled fingers are steady as she does some needlework. Without looking up, she inquires, “Did you get what I told you to?” Her gravely voice is clipped with irritation.
“Yes, ame Erin,” the boy replies, pulling a small pouch from the front of his tunic. Holding her hand out, she snatches the parcel away from him.
“About time! And I've told you to stop calling me that.” Dropping his hands back to his sides, he mutters an apology. Turning away, he takes a step towards the kitchen, on his way to the wash room, when she calls to him. “Ere! You get chased back again?”
Turning to look over his left shoulder, he replies, “Yes ame Erin.” Turning so that his injured arm is hidden, he waits.
Knowing his tricks, she barks at him, “None of that! Get over here and let me see.” She fixes him with a venomous glare. He slips silently across the room to stand beside her. Lifting his sleeve, he reveals the still bleeding wound. She grabs his arm roughly, her pale skin contrasting greatly with his, and examines the wound. “Nothing too bad,” she assesses. Releasing his arm, she tells him to go wash it out so she can treat it.
“Yes ame Erin.” he murmurs, then heads off towards the wash room. Passing through the kitchen, he's assaulted by the myriad of smells coming from almost every corner. The herbs drying above his head, the soup on the iron stove, the peelings from the meal preparation, and the fresh fruits from the small pantry. Pushing open the door on the far side, he slips inside. The large tub on the left sits empty, it's rough surface patched green where some kind of plant life is growing. Passing it, he walks over to a faucet on the other side of the room.
Pumping the handle twice, the water begins flowing from the rusted old pipes. Pulling his sleeve up high, he places his bloody upper arm under the flow. Absent absentmindedly rubbing his fingers over the wound, he watches the water strike the ground and flow down the trench towards the outer wall. Going through a small hole, it will join the other water in the gutters along the street. Having gotten all the dirt out, he steps over to a towel draped over the edge of the tub and dries around the injury.
Returning through the kitchen to the front room, he finds the old woman right where he left her. Beside her on the table now rests a clean cloth and a jar. He can feel a slight tug in his stomach at the sight of the jar. “Sit.” The woman's voice snaps him into action. Moving towards her, he sits down gently on the stool she had indicated. Lifting his sleeve, he holds it in place above the wound and turns his face away.
'How many times.' he thinks to himself. 'How many times have I needed aid in this way. And why is it always worse than the injury itself.' The pain strikes, pulling a small sound from the boy. His mind scatters from the pain. Focusing on a spot on the wall, he lets his mind wander away from the pain until the woman finishes. He feels the pressure of her hand over the gash, and vaguely hears her muttered incantation. Many people in the village come to her for this treatment. Being the best healer in town is most likely the only reason she's and the boy are tolerated. He asked once if it hurts for everyone as it does for him. She had snapped at him saying the only reason it hurt him was because he's a monster.
“Now, once this is wrapped, you go to your room and wait there until dinner. Understand me boy?” Her tone leaves no room for questions.
“Yes ame Erin,” he replies, his voice lower than a whisper. She doesn't bother to reply. Wrapping his arm tightly, she dismisses him with a wave.
Standing, he drifts out of the room into the hallway. Passing the first door, he turns to the second one. Moving inside, he closes the door behind him. His dead gaze sweeps across the two bits of furniture in his little room.
Against the side wall on his left is a cot, and beside that is a small three legged stool. Walking slowly over to the cot, he kneels down facing it, as if to pray. Reaching beneath the thin straw stuffed mattress, his fingers close around something cool and metallic. Drawing his hand out, still clutching the object, he looks down at it.
Behind his eyes, a faint light begins to glow. Running his thumb over the object, images flood his mind. The memory of when he received the small trinket drawing him back in time...
*Flashback*
The old woman turns, and once again examines the child on his hands and knees before her. With a sneer, she says, “You know I hate you as much as everyone else in town, but I swore to your mother before you were born, that if anything happened to her, I'd take care of you.” Her voice is low and harsh. The child simply stares back at her with eyes as cold as ice. Frowning, the woman thrusts her hand in her pocket. Drawing something out attached to a leather strap, she throws it at the boy. His arm snaps out and snatches it from the air. Almost the size of his hand at the time, he holds it in both hands, and examines it. The old woman's frown deepens at the sight of something strange flickering behind his eyes. “It was left for you by your mother,” the nursemaid whispers, a hint of unease in her voice. “She said it was your father's....”
*End Flashback*
Coming out of his reverie, he continues examining the thing in his hands. Still attached to a leather strap, the silvery white pendant is shaped like a tree. Two small figures, they look almost like children, rest in the foliage at the top. What looks like two little spikes come off each of their backs. At least, that is how it looks now...
Not too long after receiving the pendant, which at the time looked like a large bird perched on a mountain with it's wings outstretched, it had changed. After the second time it changes, he began counting the days between changes. 'Thirty six days' He thinks faintly. After the bird had been a cat with bat wings and a long hooked tail standing on the side of another mountain, but this one didn't come to a point, and there seemed to be stuff coming from the top.
After that, it shifted into what looked like a horse and a fish sticking out of a pillar of water. The horse's front hoofs looked like a water bird's. After that was the children in the tree. Finally, the last thing it had become was very confusing. Two beasts, claw to claw, with large bat wings, and long necks with small heads. Reared on their hind legs, they seemed to be fighting.
Gazing at the pendant, he can not see his own eyes. He doesn't see the light that glows softly behind them when he looks upon the cool metallic object that is the only piece of his parents he owns. He vaguely hears his nurse call to him, “Steel! Supper is ready!” The light dimming, he places the pendant back in it's resting place. Standing, he moves out of his room and back into the front room.
The table, now clear of cloth, is set with a simple fare of soup and hard bread. He gazes down at the meal for several second, his eyes back to their emotionless state, and wonders how much he'll be able to eat tonight. Sitting down slowly, he waits for ame Erin to take her place before starting in on the meager meal. Eating swiftly but neatly, he clears half his soup and most of the bread before she barks at him, “Get out of my sight child! Go to your room, and stay there for the rest of the night! I can't stand to look at you any longer...”
He stands, wiping his mouth and hands as she had taught him, whispering,”Yes ame Erin.” She furiously chucks her spoon at him.
“I've told you to stop calling me that! Begone with you, foul child!” Ducking the projectile, he calmly exits the room. He has no idea why he calls her 'ame', or even what it means, but he can never remember a time where he didn't call her that. Slipping into his room, he shuts the door with a small -click- and returns to his bedside. Retrieving the small token from it's resting place, he lets himself get lost in the feeling it brings into his head.
Time flows around him, unaware of all else but the clarity that comes at these times. He is draw slowly out of this mindless state by the sound of motion in the next room. Setting the pendant down on his pillow, he turns to the sounds and listens closely. Some nights, he would hear his ame Erin cry. He understands that crying is bad, and a part of him he doesn't fully understand compels him to action when he hears it. Many times, he would enter her room, knowing not what he should do. It always ends the same. She throws whatever is hands at him and screams for him to leave. Despite many bruises and cuts caused by these assaults, he can not resist when it comes to ame Erin's tears.
He listens for several minutes, and when her usual huffs slow into soft even breathing, he turns back to his bed. 'No tears tonight.' Slipping the leather strap over his head, he dons his necklace. Climbing on to his bed, he lay facing the ceiling. Still gazing at the planks above his bed, his breathing slows. Soon, the sight of his room fades from view. Eyes still open to the night, he begins dreaming. A white glaze, like a film, covers his eyes as he leaves his conscious mind behind.
His senses tune into all things around him. He hears a ceita, a small animal many Celo keep as pets, cross the roof over the kitchen. He can smell the straw he's resting on, and feel it crackle with even the slightest movement. While sensing all these things about him, his mind's eye takes him far from it all. Several nights would find him gazing across snow capped mountains, or skimming inches above vast oceans. Having never left the village, these sight are foreign to him, but at the same time, all too familiar. On occasion, these dream would “wake” him. His hand would fly to his chest, and the feelings stirring beneath his clutched fist would draw a small gasp from his small figure.
Temporarily blind, he's unable see the glow being cast from his eyes. Passion, fear, anger, all these emotions would reflect from the back of his eyes, as they themselves glowed with unnatural light. When the feelings passed, he would collapse back on to the mattress, and no more visions would come that night. In those few moments, before he settles back into himself, he feels truly alive. But when it passes, so too does the memory of ever feeling it.
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Tonight is different. Something is wrong. All is dark. Darkness has never been an obstacle to his seeing anything. This dark is unnatural. A chill creeps across his chest, and h shivers in place. Suddenly, he hears the sound of ragged breathing. Short, shuddering breaths, then suddenly, nothing...
His mind snaps into wakefulness. Sitting up, he seeks out the sound, turning his head from side to side. His head snaps to his left after a few passes. 'I can't hear her.' Rising slowly, he moves to his door. Into the hall, and then to the door to ame Erin's room. Pausing, he listens intently. Hearing nothing, he opens the door. His eyes lock on the still figure of the room's only occupant. Walking over, he kneels to look into her face.
Examining her, he tries hard to figure out what is wrong. Reaching up, he touches her cheek with his finger tips. 'Cold.' He sits for a long time, just staring. That face, which only hours before held such anger and hatred, is fixed in a look of eternal peace.
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To Be A Knight
And my first Finished work Death Day
Last edited by PopeAlessandrosXVIII on Tue Mar 01, 2011 1:11 pm; edited 3 times in total
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Tue Mar 01, 2011 12:34 am Post subject: |
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I didn't read the chapter... For a reason. It looked like one GIGANTIC piece of text and it put me off really. You need to give some spacing. A blank horizontal line between the chapters. Oh, and post here after your done. I'll read it then!!!
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Tue Mar 01, 2011 9:52 am Post subject: |
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Ok, well, while I agree that the para's NEED a hard return space between them, I also went ahead and read this.
Its highly charged with emotional content as is what I'm coming to expect when I read your work. This makes for deep characterization. But perhaps a little too much too soon, imo. And more of it needs to be shown rather than told, to which you are doing some of that with the lights in his eyes etc.
There are a lot of phrases that were incomplete here and I'd suggest going through it again with a critical eye for such things. And some of the character's physical nature might be better explained... I recall he has a tail? Never mentioned here to my knowledge. And the hatred for him is not clearly explained, though its impact is certainly well developed here. I felt bad for him when the old lady said she hated him as much as the rest of the town... sheesh!
Anyhow, not to be too critical... just pointing out what I feel it could use in terms of some editing. It suffers from a bit of a slow start (much like my own SG here) but I have a feeling you're going somewhere with this (maybe because its another segment of a larger tale  ) so I'll keep up with it as you post more.
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 CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...  
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Tue Mar 01, 2011 1:24 pm Post subject: Well.... |
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Well...I went through and added the spaces. If it's still to bulky, I guess I could make the font bigger for an easyer read. No, Thunder-kun, no tail. I think yer thinking of Tarith. Tarith has a doggie tail. As for why they hate him? It's one of the oldest and simplest hates in the world....He's different. I know, now a days, unless a person is racist, this may be a lil hard to get. I tried to outline how everyone else in town are fair skinned and have lighter hair. Like red and blonde. It'll become more obvious , the more people Steel meets, how different he is.
Is This Me? is set in the same world, some years earlyer. I think the fact the he was so readily accepted by Tarith is missleading. And it's suppose to be. But in No Name Story, it's set up much more harshly by the fact that he was born in a very small town. In small towns, anything out of the ordinary is almost always viewed with fear, and many times, hatered.
But like I said, it'll get more obvious as the story goes along. Off of the island, things will get a lil better, but that's in the next book  ANd the slow start...Heheheh....The next chapter move forward with a hard shove, and a good chunk of realism.
OH! And if you guys wanna see a pic of Steel, I had a friend of mine draw up a full length of him. It's in her style, but it's rather accurate!
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To Be A Knight
And my first Finished work Death Day
Last edited by PopeAlessandrosXVIII on Fri Mar 04, 2011 7:57 am; edited 1 time in total
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| Posted: Tue Mar 01, 2011 11:31 pm Post subject: |
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Okay NOW I enjoyed it! Nicely written, though there are a few typos in there. On the whole, a good chapter. Keep it up!
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| Posted: Wed Mar 09, 2011 8:24 am Post subject: Chapter 2 |
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Chapter 2
'No more tears' The thought drifts softly through the boy's mind as he watches the funeral from a distance. His eyes follow the coffin in which lay his ame Erin is lowered into the ground. Crouching low in a tall gora tree some distance from the burial grounds, he stays well out of sight. 'They blame me' When the sun had finally risen for the day, he had gone to the head of the village to tell him what had happened. The look on the man's face made it clear that Steel was no longer welcome in this village. He watches as the old nurse is slowly covered in dirt, and deep inside, something fades away. With each shovel full, the something gets fainter and fainter, til the last scoop of dirt is tossed. At last, he turns from the sight. Climbing to the top most branches that will support him, Steel curls up, and tries to think.
Nothing had prepared him for this. Ame Erin had always been there to tell him what to do, and indeed she did. Almost every second of his life. A glint on the northern horizon catches his attention for a moment. 'Just some farmers returning from the fields' Going over his daily life, he tries hard to figure out what's next for him. The movement to the north catches his eye once again, but this time, he turns to look. Focusing hard, he realizes that it isn't what he first thought. 'Weapons. Not farm tools. Swords. Like on the tavern walls, and on the town guard's belts.'
Several men charge towards the village. Weapons drawn, they ride atop strange four-legged beasts. Shifting, Steel counts the men. 'Twenty-six in all. They do not live here' He watches their approach. When they're about half a mile away, the sound of a large bell rings out through the town. Turning to the village, Steel watches people running around frantic. The town guard pour from the taverns and their homes. In cold silence as the men finally reach the town's edge. The guards are no match for the invaders. With swift efficiency, they're cut down. He sees several villagers slain as well, while others are dragged off kicking and screaming to a small detachment of the men and are chained to one another.
Steel's eyes sweep back and forth to each interaction. A woman pulled by her hair from a building, a man being run through and falling into the gutter. Steel watches as the streets are painted red with the blood of the people he grew up with, and he feels nothing. Looking at the captives, he sees a small red head he recognizes from the previous day. The boy is crying, eyes locked on the carnage in his home town. Steel, ears ringing with the screams of the villagers, and the hoots of the invaders, slips to a lower branch, preparing to run. 'They are like the ones who chase me. The ones who hurt me'
As he reaches the lower branches, he catches sight of a small group of the men gather about a hundred yards from the tree he's perched in. Looking close, he sees them glancing and gesturing in his general direction. Backing up a few branches, he crouches down and waits. After several minutes, one of the men breaks off from the group and makes his way over towards the tree. Steel watches as beast and rider approach. The sound from the village has died down, and Steel can hear the sound of clinking mail and creaking leather coming from the man as he moves closer.
Steel tenses as the man below stops his mount a few yards from the tree. The man looks up, studying the boy's slight figure. Steel stares back, looking at every part of the man save for his eyes. Of whatever else ame Erin ever taught him, staying alive was the one thing that he'd learned fastest. 'No one likes my eyes. If he does not see my eyes, perhaps he will not hate me' He catches sight of movement. His eyes dart to the man's hand. Steel watches it shift towards a hand held crossbow hanging at his hip. In an instant, Steel launches himself backwards. Catching a branch, he swings around to the opposite side of the tree, completely hidden from the invader’s view.
“Geez he's fast...” The man mutter gruffly. “Prolly make a good exotic pet.” Shifting forward in his saddle, he strains to see the boy around the edge of the tree. Most he catches a glimpse of is a tattered sleeve. Huffing, he moves his mount forward. As soon as the boy's face comes into sight, he can tell he's ready to dart out of view again. Holding his hands up, he shows Steel that they're empty. “Hold on kid. I ain't gonna hurt ya if'n I don' hafta.” Steel relaxes only slightly, knowing he can react faster than the man below should he reach for the weapon again.
Settling his hands slowly on to his saddle-horn, the rider speaks again, “Listen. I know you jus' watched us destroy your town, and kill a buncha' people. Some of'em prolly yer loved ones, but if'n ya jus' come down quietly, I'm sure we kin find someone ya know, an' it'll be alright, kay?” The raider had been told to do minimal damage to the boy. Even from a distance, the others could tell he'd fetch a good price. Watching closely, he sees the oddest expression cross the boy's face. Not anger, hurt, sadness, fear, or anything else to be expected in such a situation. Something different...Something, unnatural. Feeling his stomach churn, the man swallows hard, his mouth suddenly dry.
Steel had flinched at the man's words, trying hard to understand them. Casting about for something, anything to respond to, he finally decides to take a gamble. Brushing his bangs back, he looks straight into the man's eyes. The one below visually shudders at the sight. “I have no such things as loved ones.” Steel says in his usual quiet voice. The chill of his words seem to carry on the wind to the others waiting some distance away, and the entire group shivers against it's cool touch. They each look about, over their shoulder, looking from whence the chill came.
The one under the tree feels it too, but through sheer will, lets it pass, and keeps his eyes locked on the speaker above. Steel stands. The one on the ground feels the need to continue listening. Something inside tells him that, nothing in the world matter more than what this child is saying now. 'So cold. What on this red earth could make such a small child so dead inside?'
Steel can feel that thing inside resurfacing, and with it come words, which pour forth unbidden. “I know not what it is to love, or be loved. I know only what it is to be hated. They all hated me. For my looks, and my voice. For things I can not change.” The feeling gets stronger with each word that falls from his lips. He can see the man below shudder once in a while, but he does not flee. His eyes do not hold the hate he has always seen in the eyes of others. The feeling moves from his chest, blossoming outwards to his shoulders and hips.
Crouching again, he looks hard at the man, “I will go with you, for no other reason than I would not know what to do with myself alone. I can not be with them, “ Steel gestures to the other villagers, “I am not one of them. Promise I will not be as one of the, and I will come quietly. Otherwise I must run. I can not be like them.” The feeling had spread to every inch of his body as he spoke, but as he finishes, it fades back to a place just over his heart. A new feeling rises as he realizes that the man had listened to every word. He hadn't told him to shut-up or tried to hit him for speaking. 'He is very different'
The man on the ground is rooted to the spot. The coldness behind every word, the dismal life he'd described, and finally the dilemma over the boy's proposal leaving him feeling a bit fuzzy in the head. Slowly, his senses return. He shakes his head hard, trying to shake off the feelings left behind after the boy's speech. 'How'm I suppose t' deal wit' this. I can' make a promise like that, can I?' His brows furrow in concentration. 'I guess this'll haf'ta do' Looking back up into the tree, the boy is still staring down at him. “I can' garn'tee what'll happen t' ya after yer sold, but I can promise tha' while yer with us, I'll keep ya under mah care. It a deal?” Raising an eyebrow in question, he wait silently for the youngster's response.
Steel looks away, towards the me waiting at the bottom of the hill. 'It is separate. It is what I asked for. I sense no danger from him. I will go' Turning back to the man, he nods slightly, “I accept.” Leaping down from the tree, he lands a sparse two feet from the side of the man's mount. Looking up into the rider's wide eyes, he holds out a hand. “I have seen that one is to shake hands when a deal is struck.” Steel says softly.
Smiling down at the boy, the man takes the tiny lithe hand into his own, giving it a firm shake. “Ai they do lad, now off we go. Falla' behind, bu' keep up.” A strange lightness creeps into his chest as he wheels his mount around. He feels smile creeping across his face as he watches the boy out of the corner of his eye. Coaxing his steed into a swift trot, he looks back to see the boy running easily behind him. On a whim, he kicks his mount, and it breaks into a canter. Glancing back, he smiles at the sight of the boy keeping perfect pace. Chuckling under his breath, he slows down as they approach his companions. As he tries to come up with what to say to them, he is unaware of the fates moving around him. Nor does he comprehend his part in something far greater than anything he could ever imagine.
**********
I'ma start on chapter three righ now, I hope to have it up by the end of the day. I put the spaces in, and the itallics. Remember, this is only half finished. I know there's a buch of fleshing out I need to do, so this is more outline than story at the moment...I hope this moved faster for ya Thunder-kun! Enjoy all!
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| Posted: Fri Mar 11, 2011 4:44 pm Post subject: |
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It did actually.
This was a very good chapter, imo. You really took some of Tika's crits earlier to heart and it helped a lot. I also really liked how you introduced the invaders, with him thinking that they were farmers coming in from the fields at first. (though it may have been a little early... I think there may have been more thoughts and feelings to mine out a little as his gaurdian was buried - but no matter, it was well done.)
Still, you may want to watch moments like these:
| Quote: | | Crouching again, he looks hard at the man, “I will go with you, for no other reason than I would not know what to do with myself alone. I can not be with them, “ Steel gestures to the other villagers, “I am not one of them. Promise I will not be as one of the, and I will come quietly. Otherwise I must run. I can not be like them.” |
Not only is there a repetitive typo issue throughout the chapter like the 'blue' word there (letters left off the ends of the words), but this particular dialogue may have benefited from some variation.
But yeah, otherwise, I really liked how you staged the way the soldier reacted to the boy and his emotional display (even cold is an emotion).
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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| Posted: Sat Mar 26, 2011 7:16 pm Post subject: Hmmmm.... |
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Hmmmm....Well, I must not be doing my job very well then....Steel has no emotions. He's currently incapable of feeling them. I must work on that if it came accross cold...*Thinks hard* I'll work on it. Sorry for the repetition....but that's kinda how he talks. He's not used to talking, so he's not the greatest at sentance structure. Glad you're enjoying it! I'll get to wok on the next chapter after the convention next week. Expects a big boom somwhere around the 7th or 8th!
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| Posted: Sun Apr 17, 2011 4:50 am Post subject: |
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I'm liking this... 
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| Posted: Sun Apr 17, 2011 4:49 pm Post subject: Chapter 3 |
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Chapter 3
Steel stands close beside the man's steed and gazes up at the other riders. Coughing, the man explains that the boy will be staying with him for the duration of the trip. “He tol' me th' other villagers won' have'im around. I figer that it'll be less hassle this'a way.” The men glance warily down at the boy, now looking around to each man. Steel examines each face, noting the usual reaction to his stare.
After several seconds of silence, a middle-age looking Celo with fine blonde hair speaks up. “ don't know what you are, and I don't care.” Looking quickly away from the boy, he looks instead at the man who'd brought Steel down. “You keep him close to you, ya hear? Away from the prisoners, and the squad, got it?” The man nods, glancing down at Steel. The rest of the men voice their agreement in low tones before heading towards the crowd gathered at the edge of the now decimated town.
Leaning down, The man whispers, “You'll haf'ta travel near th' back whi' th' others. Dun' worry, I'll be at yer heels.” Blinking slowly, Steel nods. Turning towards the mass of people, he trots swiftly past the group of riders that had just departed and moves in behind the group of chain villagers. Steel is oblivious to the startled looks he's getting from the mounted men, and the looks of anger, fear, and wonder from the other captives. He watches the man follow behind and line up with a few others at what he supposes is the back of the crowd.
Turning to the captives, he looks over their ragged bloodstained forms. No feelings of satisfaction rise at the sight of his tormentors in such a state. Instead Steel feels an ache rise in his chest. A tightness he knows not how to loosen. Many times he had stared at his reflection in a puddle, or an odd piece of glass. As Steel looks around, he sees reflected in the eyes of many about him, the same look that remains ever present in his own gaze. Rubbing his fingertips over the ache, he spots the red-head from before staring at him. No longer are his eyes filled with hate, nor anger, but with something else. Blinking slowly, Steel finds he is unable to respond to such a look. 'I don't know what to do. I know not what he wishes of me. There is nothing I can do' Blinking again, Steel looks away towards the riders as one shouts for attention.
The blonde rider from before is now at the front of the group of captives, holding a hand up to call for silence. A needless gesture seeing as none of the disheartened villagers seem to be ale to find their voices. “Alright, for all of you who may not understand what's going on here, namely you kids, I want to get a few things straight.” His cool blue eyes scan the crowd in front of him. His eyes rest momentarily on Steel causing him to shudder and look quickly in another direction. With a couch, he continues, “You have all just become property. We own you. You will obey us, or die. That is rule number one. Rule number two, we will not stop if you fall behind. If you can't keep up, we will show you mercy and swiftly put you out of your misery.
A small wave of chuckles runs through the captors as several of the villagers look around fearfully at one another. A few of the younger children begin crying. Those close to them try to hush the troubled youngsters. Steel stands unaffected by the threat of death. The Celo's voice cuts through the uneasy murmurs and sniffling causing immediate silence. “Now, if you all understand this, we're leaving!” Without waiting for a response, the blonde signals for everyone to move out. Wheeling his mount around, the speaker moves to the front of the lead group of riders.
Steel looks around, doing a head count. 'Six riders behind, twenty ahead.' The jangle of armor and shuffling of feet seem to be the only sounds coming from the large group. The other villagers walk along, each with their hands tied to the person next to them. Steel examines their faces, noting the blank unseeing gazes and tear streaked cheeks. After studying the faces of his former tormenters, Steel turns around. Walking backwards, his gaze locks on the man with whom he'd struck the bargain.
The man's gaze is locked on some unseen point in front of him, and doesn't notice he's being watched. A long thin white scar runs from the outer corner of his right eye into the hair over his ear. His hair and eyes are almost the same hazel brown color, with a short beard hugging his chin of a darker shade. Panning down, Steel notes light supple leather armor hanging a broad not overly muscular chest. The leather doesn't extend to the shoulders, instead, a light chainmail has been woven into the leather to hang down to mid upper arm. His legs are covered in tight black leather leggings tucked inside boots of tough brown hide.
Steel's gaze moves back to the man's face and their eyes lock. Having finally realized he's being watched, the man had done some staring of his own. When their eyes meet, he smirks. 'Didn' have any effect this time, eh? Mus' be gettin' used t' it.' The man can't help but being impressed with the boy's ability to walk backwards gracefully. 'Usually people look a damn fool walkin' like tha', but that brat looks almos' like 'es dancin' t' a song only 'e can hear'. Smiling, he lifts a hand, motioning for the lad to come walk beside him. Instead of waiting for the rider to catch up, Steel stops for an instant, ten in a few quick strides falls in step next to the man's mount.
The two walk along in silence for a time. The man finds himself enjoying the boy's company from some reason. 'Somthin' reasurin' about this' Finally breaking the silence, the man asks, “What's yer name lad?”
Steel looks up at the man and replies, “Steel.”
“Steal as in t' take without askin'?” the man inquires, looking down at the boy with a quizzical expression. Steel blinks slowly.
“No. Steel as in the metal your weapons are made of.”
The man nods in understanding. 'Mus' be those eyes. No doubt in mah mind' he muses. “Well, mah name's Marcus.” Looking up over the heads of the prisoners towards the head slaver he adds, “Ya kin call me by mah name, only if'n no one's 'round, got it? Don' want'em thinkin' tha' I'm given' ya any special treatment more'n I a'ready have.”
“Yes sir,” Steel replies, following Marcus's gaze to the front of the line. Marcus finds himself smiling at the boy's immediate compliance.
'Strange though. Feels almos' like e's th' one in charge 'ere' Marcus shakes his head, erasing the thought from his mind. For the rest of that day's travel, neither of them says a word. As the sun begins setting, come to the top of a rise. At the bottom of the long hill lay the slaver's encampment. Some twenty odd blue and white tents sit scattered about the area. Steel notes that each one has a slightly different pattern. Many beasts like the ones the riders are on are staked out around camp. The shaggy horse like shapes draw Steel's attention. Several have thicker, longer coats, while the rest have slightly slicker, more stiff looking coats. Sharp fans stick out from under thick furry lips.
Turning his head, Steel looks over the beast beside him. Reaching up he runs his fingers through it's thick orange coat. The coarse fur feels rough and a slightly wet beneath his fingers. Reaching the edge of the camp, the head Celo directs his men to coral the prisoners. Steel follows the man towards the the other side of camp. Dismounting outside one of the tents, Marcus decides to test the boy.
Handing the reigns to Steel, he points off between two tents. “I wan' you t' take Temper 'ere o'er through there. You'll find a post wi' a big no'ch in'it. There'll be a few o'er aroun', bu' tha' shou' be no problem. Tie 'im tight t' th' pos', inside the no'ch mind you. As soon as ya got tha' dun, come back 'ere and I'll check yer work.” Marcus looks hard at the boy, “Y'got all tha'?” Steel nod sharply. “Good. Once tha's all over, we c'n 'ave a lil chat.” Steel nods again, this time more slowly.
Giving the reigns a firm tug, Steel leads the beast between the tents Marcus had indicated. He spots the posts Marcus had told him of several yards away. Leading Temper along, he feels the beast tug. Looking back he sees Temper trying to get at another of his kind nearby, one of the shorter coated one. Steel jerks hard on the leather straps to compel him back towards the posts. With a frustrated snort, Temper complies. They reach the posts without incident. Selecting one of the unoccupied four foot tall posts, Steel ties the straps in his hand in the notch area best he can.
Temper lowers his head and begins munching on the grass around the area. Steel's eyes begin to glow gently. The same light that arises when he gazes upon his pendant. The warmth of purpose swells within the young boy's chest. 'I will do as I am told. I will learn. I must learn' The soft voice in the back of his mind fills him with a sense of peace. A feeling he'd lost with the death of his ame Erin. Turning back the way he came, the glow fades, leaving in it's wake a tingle. Steel can feel something dancing beneath his skin. The feeling rushes to his chest when he thinks of returning with the news of his success. With hurried steps, the boy with an empty heart moves towards his future.
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| Posted: Sun Apr 17, 2011 6:30 pm Post subject: |
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I really liked this chapter, Pope. It may not have been involving the most exciting material, but it maintains its enjoyability nevertheless, a truly difficult skill to display indeed. You uphold interest in the main character with the manner in which he conducts himself under duress. I grow impressed with him and his personality. Good going. Looking forward to more.
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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| Posted: Mon May 09, 2011 9:38 am Post subject: Chapter 4 |
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Chapter 4
On his way from post to tent, Steel sees many things he does not understand. 'It is cold outside, and yet the woman being brought inside tents act as if they do not wish to go.' Many thought like this drift through his mind as he walks in smooth even steps towards his goal. Arriving at the tent, he walks around the outside until he finds the tent flaps. Sliding silently inside, his entrance goes unnoticed by the tent's occupant. Sanding there without a sound, Steel looks about the shabby interior.
Only slightly more furnished than his own room, Steel takes note of the meager collection of items. A cot, a small chest, a weathered wooden chair, and an oil lamp on a short table are the only things that occupy the cramped space. The man named Marcus is seated upon the chair, running a strange black stone down the length of his sword's edge. The sound it makes on the steel reminds the boy of the ones he used to hear from inside the blacksmith's.
Looking up, the man gives a small start, “Gees boy. Try announcin' yerself nex' time.” Marcus shakes his head, hand over his chest, “Give a man a heart attack tha' way.” Steel blinks slowly, absorbing this new instruction. Setting his sword aside, Marcus asks, “Didja do whut I asked cha t' do?”
Steel nods, “Yes Marcus.” He replies in his usual quiet voice. Marcus continues staring at the boy, a slight tickle in his brain. Something feels different from the boy, but he can't quite put his finger on it. Cracking his neck, Marcus shrugs.
'I'll figur' it out later. I'll have plenty O' time'[i] He muses. Walking to the tent entrance he turns to the boy. “Well then, I'll go check whut cha done, you wait here n' guard th' tent.” Thinking better of himself, he swiftly adds, “Jus' kiddin'. Jus' wait here, kay?” Steel nods silently. Sure that the boy didn't take him seriously, Marcus heads out, the tent flaps falling back in place as soon as he lets go of them. Steel stands quietly for a few moments, staring at the spot Marcus had vanished. Then, turning around, he moves over to the chair and sits gracefully upon it's hard seat. His gazes travels over the few objects in the room, ending with the chest. Having never seen one before, it captivates his attention until Marcus returns.
Hearing the sound of footsteps, Steel's gaze whips to the tent flaps waving in a slight breeze. His eyes flash a dull white for an instant when Marcus comes into sight and their eyes meet. The light is gone as soon as it appears, and Marcus blinks several times, unsure of what he'd seen. Dismissing the sight as just fatigued delusions, Marcus steps inside, smiling down at the boy. “Ya did a good job there son. Ya tied 'im up good'n tight.” he says, a tone of approval pervading his voice. Marcus blinks rapidly once again. [i]'I swear 'is eyes'r givin' off light....' Shrugging it off, he lets out a jovial little gwuff.
Marcus walks over and sits down on his cot. Propping his head up on his interlaced fingers, elbows on knees, his gazes settles on Steel. Wondering to himself over the questions this boy may ask, Marcus tries to prepare himself for anything. “I'd like t' talk if'n tha's okay with ya.” Finding no objections forth coming from the stoic boy, he continues. “I don' know what'cha know and what'cha don' so firs' off, ya got any questions?”
Steel nod, his mind buzzing. A wave of thoughts and inquiries cascades in rivulets around his brain. So many things he seeks answers for. So much he'd like to know. All colliding in a tsunami of words and pictures inside his mind. For so long, silence has been his friend, but now, he's being asked to speak. Not just speak, but to question. His mind slowly filters through all things he wishes to know, and begins picking out what seem to be the most relevant to his current situation. Marcus watches closely as a strange white glaze seems to coat the boy's eyes. 'Like a blind man's' he thinks in wonder. Marcus waves his hand a few times in front of Steel's eyes, looking for a reaction.
When Steel finally snaps back to reality, his head whips up and his eyes lock on the man's. Marcus startles for the second time in but a few minutes and sits back quickly. The cot creaks loud under the rough treatment. Taking a deep breath, Marcus regains his composure. Eyes still locked on the boy, he tilts his head in a questioning manner. Steel stares back, formulating his first question. A pull in the back of his mind causes him to hesitate for a time, before finally asking a simple question. “What is that beast you and the others ride?”
Marcus nods. “Good question. Tha's called an Enor. Indispensable fer crossin' desert 'er other sof' contry. The' hate stone'n such. 'Caus O' th' sof' hooves ya see.” Steel nods, letting the information to register. Filtering through a few questions, he decides on the second one.
“Why do the woman of the village act as if they do not wish to be brought inside on such a cold night?” The question hits Marcus like a punch in the face. His mouth falls open, and his brain goes numb. 'Do I have to get into the whole sex thing here?' Marcus sits there fidgeting, looking around the tent trying to come up with a satisfactory answer for the boy watching and waiting. Looking back into Steel's eyes, calm, patient, and not to mention, blank, stare, Marcus decides to take the easy way out. “Well, ya see, there's a thing men kin do to'em, and i' hur's real bad. Th' women are afraid th's wha's gonna happen to'em.” Looking sheepishly up at the boy, Marcus prays the answer will be acceptable.
Steel nods. He wants to ask what that thing is, but another question pushes to the forefront of his mind before he can ask about it. “Are there others in this world like me?” His voice is low, almost a whisper, but Marcus catches it. He'd been expecting this particular inquiry. Looking at the child, he sees the light once again. Instead of fading this time, it remains glowing behind the boy's deadened gaze. The faintest hint of emotion glistens dully in the back of Steel's metallic depths.
Like a flicker of hope in there eyes of a convict on death row, the light makes Marcus's heart ache. His mouth opens, preparing to deliver the words he knows will kill that light. “In all mah travels, I 'ave never seen, nor 'erd of one like yeh. Sorry...” The man watches as the glow extinguishes in an instant. Dropping his eyes to stare at the straps on his leather bots, Marcus feels the boy's eyes on him. Looking back up, he forces a smile. “Bu' then again, I ain't been evre' wher'. So who kin say, eh?” Scooting back a bit, he says softly, “I'm thinkin' we should be gettin' some rest. We kin do more ques'ions tomorra'.”
“Yes Marcus.” Steel replies quietly, compliant as ever. Sitting back in the chair, it takes less then a few seconds for the glaze from before to cover his eyes once again. Stunned slightly at the instant response, Marcus is left staring at the now unconscious figure. With a sad smile at the boy, Marcus readies himself for sleep. Boots off, breeches loosened, he lays back into the cot, pulling up the thick blanket. Turning on to his side, Marcus lets his mind wander for a bit. 'Strange. Usuallyyyyyyy I'd feel incomfor'able 'avin' sumon' wa'chin' me sleep, but i's more like 'e's wa'chin' o'er me.' Confused by his own thoughts Marcus shrugs. With one final, 'Strange', he rolls on to his other side and drifts off into the most peaceful sleep he's had in years.
The next morning, Steel 'wakes' to the buzz of the slaver's camp coming to life. The sound of crying men woman and children, the sizzle of food over fires, and the low constant murmur of the slavers talking to one another. A movement in the corner causes Steel to tense. He turns and relaxes, his gaze landing on the tent's other occupant. The man sits up, stretching with a wide yawn. Marcus spots his observer and smiles mid-yawn. When his hands fall down to his lap, the man continues to stare at the boy. With a low oof, he swings his legs out of bed and leans forwards, sitting on the edge. “Sleep well?” Marcus inquires.
Stretching his muscles and blinking a few times, Steel replies, “I am rested.”
'I guess that means yes' Marcus chuckles silently. “Good!” he declares boisterously, “So'm I!” Standing, the man looks around his humble lodgings. A sudden brilliant idea strikes him. Looking down at the small boy, Marcus grins. “'Ay, care t' do me'ya favor?” Steel slides to his feet, nodding. “Well, ya did such'a good job wi' Temper yes'erday, I thou' ya could work wi' him again this mornan. Up fer it?” Steel nods again, the flash behind his eyes coming as not too much of a surprise this time. Placing his hands on the boy's shoulders, Marcus notes a strong flinch beneath his fingers that doesn't carry do the boy's face. Letting it slide, he gives Steel detailed instructions on where to water the Enor, and how to handle him on the walk. “So's long as ya don' let'im pull ya'long, ye'll be good.” With a final pat on the shoulder, he nudges the boy of of the tent.
A low tingle runs through Steels chest as he walks in long swift steps towards the place he'd left Temper staked last night. The feeling confuses the boy, so he settles on completing his task before thinking to hard about it. The chill of cold metal bouncing of his chest causes him to reach up and clench his pendant through the thin material of his tattered tunic.
Meanwhile, Marcus strides back over to his cot and with a twirl and screaming protest, he falls back on to the rickety platform. 'Such'a strange kid. A normal one'd take this occasion t' escape....Bu' somehow, I know... 'e won'...' Shrugging off the thoughts, Marcus rolls of the thin mat covering the cot's frame and springs to his feet. Looking around, he gives off a deep sigh and begins packing.
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| Posted: Tue May 10, 2011 4:19 am Post subject: New Chapter |
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New chapter up! Any thoughts?
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| Posted: Tue May 10, 2011 8:22 am Post subject: |
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Further deepening of the characterization. That's good... but I didn't feel much tension here that would keep a reader moving through it. Make sure to weave as much drama as you can throughout the scene. Still, it readies us for some more activity to come I feel... like a calm before a storm.
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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| Posted: Sun May 15, 2011 7:28 am Post subject: Yay |
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Thanks for your honesty. Yeh, a lot of the beginning is kinda slow. There is some *RAWR* in the next chapter, but I get your meaning. Steel is just so hard to get active with, because of his unquestioning compliance. *Bows low* I shall try and work a little more stress into the plot. Thank you for responding/reading my drek.
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| Posted: Sun May 15, 2011 7:21 pm Post subject: |
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Well, its good... I'm just offering some feedback that I hope could be helpful is all. I'm definately looking to see a lot more here and gradual buildup leads to a stronger finish if you can keep people reading throughout the climb.
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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| Posted: Sun May 22, 2011 2:35 am Post subject: Post |
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*Bows* I'm sorry, I know, it's slow......Big things happen in the next few chapters. Some not exactly "Action" but it does pick up. *Bows* Sorry for the monotonus nature of my writtings.....But, I am glad you're willing wade through it! I should get working on another chappy soon!
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To Be A Knight
And my first Finished work Death Day
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Mon Jun 13, 2011 10:14 am Post subject: Chapter 5 |
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Chapter 5
After a quick walk, Steel arrives once again at Temper's side. The large brown pools that are the beast's eyes follow his movements as he unties him from the post and looks around. Spotting the first landmark Marcus had told him to follow, the boy gives a sharp tug to the animal's reigns and starts towards it. 'Past the blue and white tent, around the food wagon to the right, end it should be within sight' Steel re-plays the man's instructions over and over as he walks. As soon as he rounds what he can only speculate must be the food wagon, he immediately spots a large group of Enor gathered around a long wooden basin filled with water. The boy picks up his pace, ignoring the Celo standing a little ways off, watching over their own mounts as they drink their fill in the early morning light. Temper lets out a little high pitched sound, and a few of the beasts around the basin lift their heads to look. Water dribbling from their muzzles, a couple reply with similar noises. The ones on the near side jostle sideways to make room for Temper. Standing a little back from the large orange best, Steel watches him lower his head to the water and begin drinking.
The Enor closest to the boy turns to examine him. Using nose and lips, it tugs lightly at his hair, and a light purple tongue sneaks out to lick him behind the ears. Looking over the Enor in his own examination, he finds it's sleek gray coat smooth to the touch. A few men stand and take a few steps forward when he runs his hand over the beast, but at a single glace from the small boy, they all freeze. After a few seconds, they shuffle backwards, talking low amongst one another. Looking back towards the other Enor, he sees that several are staring at him. Temper finally lifts his head, and after giving it a good shake, he lifts it high. Looking around at the others, Temper lets out a low rumbling growling sound, puffing out his chest. Moving to stand directly beside the boy, he looks around with obvious pride. With a final snort, Temper turns in the direction they came from and begins walking, head still held high. Taking long strides to keep up with the beast, Steel keeps a strong grip on the Enor's reigns.
After a minute of silence, the boy quickens his pace so hes in front of Temper before turning around so he walking directly in front of the animal. A strange urge come over him, causing him to ask aloud, “The other Enor. They do not hate me?” In response, Temper lowers his head and gives it a hard shake, letting out a small grunt. Steel feels the beast's answer clear as any man's words, and it fills him with a strangely warm sensation. 'So odd...' Jutting his head forward a little further, the orange haired creature licks the boy behind his left ear. Turning back around, they suddenly realize that they've arrived at Marcus's tent. Marcus is standing outside, watching the little exchange. He can't help a small smile from playing on his lips at the sight of the two getting along so well.
Taking the reigns from the boy with one hand, he clasps the kid's shoulder with the other. The contact causes Steel to flinch. The reaction to the touch goes unnoticed by the boy, but Marcus responds with a quick squeeze before releasing him. Walking to Temper's left side, he begins explaining everything about saddles, like how to strap it on right, what it's for, how he himself uses a riding saddle. After sliding said device off the large beast, he hands the reigns back to the smaller male. “Give'em a good walk'round wif out it fer abou' ten minutes, alright?” he instructs. Steel nods, his eyes flashing. Before he can stop himself he adds, “An' tell'im t' stay away from th' females! We got'a long road ahead.” Without waiting for a response to the foolish request, the man disappears back into his tent to finish packing. 'I a'ways though' they're smarter then the' let on, and I KNOW I saw'im talkin' t' Temper....' Shaking his head he chuckles to himself. “Nah. I jus' los' mah mind, tha's all.” he mutters to himself.
While Marcus is convincing himself that he's out of his mind, Steel relays the message to the beast in question. Temper grunts back that he understands before tugging on the reins so they can get going on the warm-up. After a few minutes, they spot a small pack of other Enor standing alone next to a tent. Puffing up his chest, Temper leads the way towards them. All heads turn in the two's direction, but as soon as Temper is sure that he has all of their attentions, he turns sharply, blocking Steel from view. The boy cocks his head to the side in question. Muttering amongst themselves, the group wanders forward, each trying to get a good look at the bizarre looking creature next to their fellow. While a few of them meander past the boy, giving him long looks, the others seem to confer with Temper on the matter. One large back one lets out a little grunt while standing close to Steel. The boy nods and pauses for a moment. Reaching up, he scratches between it's shoulder blades.
After the 10 minutes is up, Steel whispers the fact to Temper, who promptly disperses the group with a stomp. Hurrying back to the tent, the boy's eyes widen at the sight of bare earth where it had stood not too long ago. Watching as the last bit of his things are loaded on to a cart, Marcus turns at the sound of their approach. “Think ye kin do up th' saddle righ'?” He calls while the boy almost walks right past said item. Stopping dead, he swiftly goes over the information Marcus had relayed to him early about saddles before nodding sharply and going to work. Having only a little trouble actually getting the saddle on to Temper's back, Steel works with swift efficiency. As soon as he finishes, he looks about. Almost every tent in sight is down, and a trail of Enor, wagons, and carts are trailing off towards the north. Motioning the boy to his side from his perch upon his Enor, having mounted while the boy took in the sight of the nearly completely dissolved camp, Marcus moves to join the caravan. Taking long strides, Steel keeps pace beside the large orange beast.
Just past mid day, there is a disturbance about a hundred yards up the line. Steel watches as a young woman makes a break for it. Her progress over the increasingly sandy terrain is slow and labored, and is soon brought to a halt. Two slaves on light colored mounts run her down, knocking her over with hard overhand blows from thick club like objects. For an instant, Steel's body freezes, every muscle tensing. Marcus spots this, but before he can speak, the boy is off. Faster than he ever imagined any person could move, the man watches the boy sprint to where the girl is under attack. “Oh drek...” Marcus curses under his breath, kicking Temper into a run after the fleeting figure. 'Wha' in th' word's go'en int' 'im?' His eyes widen as the boy rushes straight at the girl. In a flurry of sand which causes the two slaver's Enor to rear and back up, the boy skids to a halt right beside the girl.
Steel can feel his heart beating slow and steady in his chest, but somehow, it feels different. The rush of blood in his ears seems to contradict the fact that his heartbeat hasn't changed. 'This force inside me brought me here. Now what should I do? Why did I come here?' Looking up, he sees Marcus approaching.
The two men are yelling at him. His mind to confused at the moment, none of the words seem to get through. Then one voice does. “What's going on here?” Steel looks to his left and spots the Celo from before. The one who was giving orders. The two men finally stop shouting and turn to reply. Before they can get a word in though, Marcus reaches the group and speaks quickly.
“I'm sorry sir, but when I saw these two damaging the merchandise, I sent the boy to stop them. I would have just done it myself, but as you saw, he is more fleet of foot in the short term.” Marcus looks at the boy, a warning in his eye to stay quiet. Having seen the look many times before from ame Erin, Steel keeps his mouth shut. Taking a deep breath, Marcus goes on before the men can protest. “This one here will fetch a fair price, but not if she's beaten to a bloody pulp by over zealous men. From what I hear, she gave Junas here some trouble last night.” Letting the implication simply hang in the air, Marcus finishes his speech and falls silent. The two men also cease their attempts to protest and wait for the leader to speak.
Looking first to the men, then to the girl, he gives the boy only a brief glance before he looks away with a shudder, his gaze finally comes to rest on Marcus. He stares for a long minute before asking in a low steady voice, “You ordered him over here Marcus?” The addressed man nods once. In that instant with such speed that the only one who catches the whole movement is Steel, Marcus is propelled off his mount by a strike to the side of his face with the back of the leader's sword. He hits the ground with a grunt, but the sound is covered by the screams of the two Celo that had struck the girl as long slices appear across their chests. Steel watches the movements, his eyes never leaving the blade until it is returned to it's sheath at the man's side. “Don't order that thing from your side Marcus. And you two morons, don't damage the merchandise just because it gives you a hard time.”
The girl, who had kept her head down through the whole exchange glances up as the leader finishes talking. When her wild eyes land on the boy standing beside her, she lets out a terrified shriek. Clawing her way backwards away from him, she springs to her feet, ready to run. With a yelp, she is brought to a halt by a large hand in her hair, jerking her head backwards. The blonde Celo looks down at Steel who looks back with his usual blank stare. Sneering he asks, “So what's it like boy? Being hated by everyone? Even those you rescue?” Not waiting for an answer, he turns his mount and drags the girl back to the other slaves by her hair. Steel cocks his head at the man's inquiries.
The two injured men clutch the long relatively shallow wounds on their chests, letting others lead them back to the caravan. As soon as they're back in the line, Steel turns his gaze from their retreating backs to the man still on the ground. Walking slowly, he moves around so he can see Marcus's face. His mind races with a thousand different questions, not the least of which is, 'Why did he lie?' That question remains unasked, like the rest buzzing around his skull. Instead, he simply calls out Marcus's name. When he at last stirs, he rises slowly to his knees.
“Umnnn, ugghhh...Ow ow! Well tha' hur'....” Marcus mumbles. Looking around, he realizes they're alone, and the caravan is still moving. “Ah, dunke, we need t' ge' movin'. C'mon k-” His words are cut short by the feeling of something touching his cheek. Looking down, he sees the boy reaching up to brush his fingers over the left side of the man's face. 'Well well, what's this?' He watches as the boy's brows furrow, his head tilted to the side. Just as he about to ask what's up, Marcus lets out a sharp hiss of pain. Steel immediately falls back on his heels and watches as the man's hand comes up to inspect the wound on his cheek. “Ow! Ah, that stings...” After a quick check to make sure there's no major damage, Marcus looks to the kid. The boy sits there, silent, and calm. 'I swear. Th' concept o' patience was based off'a this kid' Smiling a little, he reaches out and pats the young one on the shoulder. “Thanks fer th' worry kid. I'ma be fine.” Cocking his head once again in question, the boy looks sideways at the man.
Laughing lightly at the gesture, Marcus stands slowly and remounts his steed. “C'mon kid. We don' wanna lef' behin' now.” With that, he starts off towards the procession, knowing the boy will be right behind. Steel watches for several seconds before standing. Still for several more seconds, he forces his mind to slow down. The racing rush of what just happen leaving him without a solid thought. 'Must not get left behind. I must remember this' Latching on to that thought, Steel takes off. Making short work of the several yards between himself and Marcus, in no time, he falls into step beside the man once again.
_________________
To Be A Knight
And my first Finished work Death Day
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Tue Jun 14, 2011 8:38 am Post subject: |
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This chapter took some very careful reading to understand much of what was going on but that's not to say that it was unclear. Thus, perhaps it was just the state of mind I was in as I read it.
That said, I think you've added a lot of new insight to this character, Steel. He speaks with animals and freaks out little girls when they look at him (Ok, that last part was a little surprising and I felt went unexplained but perhaps on purpose.)
So he's got a connection and a bond with nature. I feel I'm beginning to 'get' the character now.
The sting Marcus felt there at the end... was that some kind of healing the kid was trying to perform?
Anyhow, I did enjoy the chapter and found it better edited than usual. Well done and thanks for this one. Looking forward to more!
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
Arts and Poetry Mod
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| Posted: Sat Jun 18, 2011 12:21 am Post subject: Thanks |
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*Bows* Thank you for reading, Thunder-sama. I know this one is as much of a pain to read as it is to write.
The entire conflict with the girl wasn't in my original version, but since you said it was kinda dragging as far as action goes, I tried to think of a plausable addition. I'm glad you like it. Justa note I should prolly clear up, the girl is one from the village Steel grew up in, and as everyone hated him there, I envision the girls in town to be warned away from him from a young age with horror stories....Not that Steel would know this, so we'll have to wait for James for our hero to find out that little tidbit. *Looks back* Oops, did a little spoiler there. Kukukuku 
As for the sting, I'll have to go re-work that. But, as is, the sting was the boy touching an open cut on Marcus's cheek. I'ma really kick myself itno paying closer attention to actually looking at what I'm writing, rather than just seeing all of it in my mind and only describing some.
*Bows again* I hope you will stick around for the next installment soonish!
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To Be A Knight
And my first Finished work Death Day
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Sat Jun 18, 2011 11:37 am Post subject: |
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Its not a pain to read at all. I'm quite enjoying it. I'm just trying to be helpful to request you inject more tension when I feel it has gone a bit slack is all.
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
Arts and Poetry Mod
Joined: 10 Oct 2010
Topics: 122
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Location: Surrounded by many beautiful naked men
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| Posted: Tue Jun 21, 2011 8:02 am Post subject: |
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| Thunderbird wrote: | | Its not a pain to read at all. I'm quite enjoying it. I'm just trying to be helpful to request you inject more tension when I feel it has gone a bit slack is all. |
I guess it's just my own personal angst against this damnable book. It's so beyond frustrateing at this point, it's not funny.....Some times I feel like just dropping it, but then there's that part of me....That part that begs for me to finish. That part that spent my entire childhood seeking out a book like this. I get lost everytime I go back to read it, and it's both exhilerateing, and infuriateing! Thai is the book I've always wanted to read, but when it comes to writing it, only about half the words find my fingers, while the rest just runs though my head....*Sniffles* I need the Dragon program....
Again, thanks for reading. If you would, I would really love any ideas and insights as to how to make this more attactive to people other then myself. Additions? Changes? I may bang my head repeatedly against a wall, but any thoughts you, or anyone else for that matter, will be greatly appriciated!
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| Posted: Tue Jun 21, 2011 8:42 am Post subject: |
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Don't be too hard on yourself Pope. Linears never get as much attention here anyhow. That said, this is a linear that connects to a SG so it gets a bit more attention. But with a project like this, just make sure to do a lot of thorough editing. I'm doing some for HM now myself. Best to come back to edit through again once a little time has passed since writing and you'll be amazed what you can find and pick out. In linear format, success relies on a lot of polish.
And my urging you to weave constant tension into the situation is part of how I'm trying to help. You've never totally dropped all tension either so that's not so much to be concerned with.
If I can think of more to say, suggest, down the road, I will.
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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