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Chinaren Hallowed IFian
Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Topics: 340 Posts: 8882 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends
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Crunchyfrog Honorable IFian
Joined: 12 Dec 2006 Topics: 168 Posts: 3998
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Posted: Sat Jun 23, 2007 10:35 am Post subject: |
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That was a good read! Now we get to see another side of Smur.
The only thing I would question is why the invisibility device confirms its activation with a spoken announcement. Surely, anyone who operates it would not want to advertise the fact that they have it!
Still, they are looking for Blue Skies, and they think they have found 'The Way'.
I would suggest that they find some mode of transport. Maybe it is conventional, maybe something to do with teleportation.
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Chinaren Hallowed IFian
Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Topics: 340 Posts: 8882 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends
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Posted: Sat Jun 23, 2007 11:32 pm Post subject: |
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Quote: | The only thing I would question is why the invisibility device confirms its activation with a spoken announcement. Surely, anyone who operates it would not want to advertise the fact that they have it! |
Ah, yes. However, it's so advanced that it can obviously detect if any enemy are in range, in which case it stays quiet. Ahem. _________________ Neil Hartley Books.
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DELETED Guest
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Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2007 12:16 pm Post subject: |
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DELETED
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Mephistopheles Respected Citizen
Joined: 24 May 2007 Topics: 16 Posts: 612 Location: Not where I want to be. Items Legends
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Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2007 1:01 pm Post subject: |
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Another nice chapter, but i thought that there were a lot of missing commas. I like the idea of a big mutant monster that is guarding a door on the other side of the room. They either have to defeat it or out smart it to get through the chamber. Maybe it is a guardian or something? That was my first thought. Explains the smell too. All that excrement after years of being pent up! anyways, nice work.
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Polokin Citizen
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Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2007 8:37 pm Post subject: |
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A wall! They failed their attempt yet again!
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D-Lotus Venerable IFian
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Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2007 3:36 am Post subject: |
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I like Zeph´s idea. Maybe some sort of ship that enables them to fly, as soon as they learn how to operate it. _________________ Chapter 5: The Rendezvous
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Chinaren Hallowed IFian
Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Topics: 340 Posts: 8882 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends
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OldJoe Citizen
Joined: 23 Oct 2005 Topics: 0 Posts: 125 Location: On mah steed. Items Legends
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Posted: Wed Jun 27, 2007 7:45 pm Post subject: |
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Ah reckon some sort ah gateway inter ther Other side. Or mebe' a clue ter how ter find thisum Collector fellah. _________________ Get off yer horse and drink yer milk.
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Chinaren Hallowed IFian
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Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2007 4:43 am Post subject: |
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Poll will go up over the weekend, so more ideas need to be entered soon if you have them. _________________ Neil Hartley Books.
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BStheGreat Citizen
Joined: 01 Jan 2005 Topics: 6 Posts: 262
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Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2007 11:51 am Post subject: |
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Well, it seems I finally managed to catch up on my reading, partly thanks to your synopsis. I wish I could have read all the chapters, however I simply lack the time required. I had already read chapter one though, from a while back so the synopsis gave me the gist of what was happening.
As for what is behind the door...I like OldJoes idea of a gateway to somewhere. As to where this gateway leads, I haven't any idea. But good job writing this chapter, it was interesting and also well written. Although its not perfect (nobody is perfect afterall) your chapters seem to lack the most common errors I have seen through reading other story on this site as well as others. I am looking forward to the next chapter. _________________ Ubi sunt qui ante nos fuerunt?
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The Meaning Of Fear Respected Citizen
Joined: 06 May 2006 Topics: 13 Posts: 980 Location: In a deep, dark corner of the universe, plotting. Items Legends
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Posted: Thu Jul 05, 2007 5:36 pm Post subject: |
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yay, nice one chinaren! Not as much "obscene" stuff as there was in greed, though.
I f5 everyone else, LOL. _________________ Cherish all your memories, even the bad ones, for they are what makes you who you are.
Doors to the truth, an SG where a boy is propelled into worlds he is unfamiliar with. He crosses many worlds, and sees many things that force him to throw away his innocence, once, and for all. Fourth Chapter, out for viewing!
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Chinaren Hallowed IFian
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Posted: Thu Jul 05, 2007 9:35 pm Post subject: |
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Very well, some good suggestions there!
Poll is up. Suck on the big meaty sausage of voting. _________________ Neil Hartley Books.
My Amazon page.
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The Meaning Of Fear Respected Citizen
Joined: 06 May 2006 Topics: 13 Posts: 980 Location: In a deep, dark corner of the universe, plotting. Items Legends
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Posted: Thu Jul 05, 2007 10:35 pm Post subject: |
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chinaren wrote: | Poll is up. Suck on the big meaty sausage of voting. |
Must you always use strange metaphors when you put a poll up?
Tied the vote, LoL. But then again... Only 2 have voted, including me. _________________ Cherish all your memories, even the bad ones, for they are what makes you who you are.
Doors to the truth, an SG where a boy is propelled into worlds he is unfamiliar with. He crosses many worlds, and sees many things that force him to throw away his innocence, once, and for all. Fourth Chapter, out for viewing!
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Chinaren Hallowed IFian
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Posted: Thu Jul 05, 2007 11:33 pm Post subject: |
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The Meaning Of Fear wrote: | chinaren wrote: | Poll is up. Suck on the big meaty sausage of voting. |
Must you always use strange metaphors when you put a poll up?
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Yes. Yes I must. _________________ Neil Hartley Books.
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algu95 Citizen
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Posted: Fri Jul 06, 2007 9:42 am Post subject: |
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YEEEEeeeEeEEssSS!!!
Send in the clones, of the old republic Jedi! _________________ Yes, no, what, hello?
Falcon Lord, a linear story by algu!
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BStheGreat Citizen
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Posted: Sun Jul 08, 2007 7:41 pm Post subject: |
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chinaren wrote: | Very well, some good suggestions there!
Poll is up. Suck on the big meaty sausage of voting. |
Haven't heard that one before _________________ Ubi sunt qui ante nos fuerunt?
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You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum
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