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Smee
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 Posted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 3:59 am Post subject: Nemesis - Chapter 2 |
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Chapter 1 : Hope is the best medicine
"And you're sure this will be enough?"
The glow from half a dozen electric lamps cast a warmth around the room you don't feel as you stare at the middle aged man and wait for the answer.
"Yes, yes, for the thousandth time, yes." The man's voice is rich and smooth but showing the first signs of irritation. 'The customer is always right' only goes so far.
With a slow nod you seal the deal and pick up the small blue cloth bag, noting a surprising weight to it as you place it securely in your inside jacket pocket. You unconsciously pat its small bulk to reassure yourself and begin counting out money from your wallet.
"A pleasure doing business with you, Sir." The man is all smiles again now as he clutches his money, all traces of his former irritation are gone.
You feel a little giddy, despite leaving the shop, and the warmth of its lamps, for the cold dark of the city outside. You pat your pocket again, embracing the thrill of hope flooding your veins in a way you haven't felt for seemingly years. The mere thought of being so close to your goal is almost overwhelming.
As the brief rush leaves you, reality closes in and you remember your location. A dark alley, in a dodgy part of town. Not a safe place for anyone, especially a man with something so precious in his pocket. You fasten up your coat tightly against a chill wind and bury your hands deep in outer pockets, trying hard to keep your shoulders back to maintain a larger frame and not appear an easy target.
~
"Did you get it?" Calls out an anxious voice as you arrive home and slam the door on the cold night outside. Rebecca, your love, stands there in a simple wool shift, white with small pink roses embroided on the hem and cuffs. Her long honey coloured hair is fastened up in preparation for sleep, although no sign of weariness shows in her gentle brown eyes. They are alight with a hope.
"Yes! I got it!"
She rushes to you in relief, catching you in a fierce embrace as you both slowly begin to let yourselves believe it might soon be over. You pull yourself back, helpless to spend a last second admiring her face, before snapping away from it and focusing on what needed to be done.
"Is he asleep?" You ask, as you clasp Rebecca's hands.
"Yes, but lightly, the moans in his sleep are even louder than before."
"Lets go."
Rebecca leads you upstairs, and into a dark room. Immediately a low muttering can be heard, and as your vision adapts to the dark you make out the small form sleeping fitfully on the bed.
'My poor Markus', you think to yourself. 'Hold on. Papa's here to make you better.'
You move carefully through the darkness, coming to the edge of the bed and taking a seat. With urgent care you pull out the package from your inside pocket.
"We'll need a glass of water, a spoon, candle and a wet cloth."
As Rebecca rushes off to fetch those things, you look down at your son. Ten years old, he's already beginning to develop the look of the man he'll one day become. You can't help but smile as you see where your harsh features have been generously softened by Rebecca's influence in the boy's face, and the gentle honey of his hair. A handsome boy, he'll be a devil with the ladies in a few years, you tell yourself, finding tears falling openly from your face even as you smile at the thought.
Rebecca returns and hands you what you need, placing the candle on the bedside table. You waste no time, and pour the contents of the blue bag into the glass, stiring it thoroughly.
"Take this, keep stiring it. Don't spill any." You know you're being abrupt, but Rebecca simply nods and takes the glass. With the warm cloth in hand, you slowly lift Markus up, cradling him in your arms. His pyjamas are soaked with a fever sweat. You murmur his name as you let the cool cloth refresh his forehead. His eyes slowly open, struggling to focus at first, shying away from the sudden light.
"It's ok, Markus, Papa's here. Papa's got you."
You take the swirling liquid from Rebecca, noting its blue colour now, and lower the glass to Markus' lips.
"Drink this, my boy. It'll make you better, but you need to drink it all!"
As soon as the glass is in place he starts drinking, and you breathe a sigh of relief, fearing a bad taste would have made it a fight to get it down. A flush of colour enters cheeks pale from weeks of illness, and you feel a surge of hope. It is working!
"That's my brave boy, keep drinking now."
A harsh knocking on the front door downstairs makes both you and Rebecca jump in shock. You glance down at Markus, he is about half way through the drink. The knocking comes again, even louder and more insistent. It couldn't be them, surely? Perhaps a neighbour needing to borrow something, but they wouldn't bang the door like that?
Icy claws grip your spine rapidly chilling the hope that had blossomed there so briefly. If it is them, then you need to run, take Markus and just run. But he needs to finish the medicine or the whole thing could be a waste. You turn to Rebecca, hoping for some kind of plan to appear in her eyes, but she just looks scared, caught between an urge to hide and the need to stay and protect her son.
What to do?
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Last edited by Smee on Tue Jun 07, 2011 11:51 pm; edited 4 times in total
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Thu Mar 11, 2010 9:12 am Post subject: |
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It's harder than it looks, isn't it! Caught one or two tense slip-ups...
| Quote: | | 'The customer is always right' only went so far. |
- needs to be in present tense because the saying is applied to the old man right now.
| Quote: | | The man is all smiles again now as he clutches his money, every trace of any former annoyance has faded before the satisfaction of a sale. |
Tricky one, tricky! 'any former annoyance' suggests that the former annoyance is theoretical. Therefore 'every trace of his former annoyance' would be more fitting.
'...has faded before the satisfaction of a sale.' - I know what you're saying here, but the tense doesn't feel right. I'm not sure how to correct it either with that phrasing, but basically the satisfaction of the sale is replacing any trace of his former annoyance. Just an alternative way to keep it in the present tense.
| Quote: | | Did you get it?" Came an anxious voice as you arrive home and slam the door on the cold night outside. |
Haha, here's the other slip-up!
| Quote: | | A flush of colour enters cheeks pale from weeks of illness, and you feel a surge of hope. |
I like this sentence. Very smooth.
For the DP - buy time. Get the wife to barricade you in, and then open the bedroom window for a swift escape. That'll hopefully give the child more time to finish the potion before any bad guys get to you.
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Thu Mar 11, 2010 9:48 am Post subject: |
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I'm likin' this Smee! 
Regardless of how they do it, I think that Marcus needs to finish the medicine/potion. It seems like that should be priority.
Maybe just stay quiet, and hope they they leave, thinking that you're not there. Then make a run for it as soon as you've got the chance.
Can't wait for the next chapter! 
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Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
 
 
  
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Shillelagh
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| Posted: Thu Mar 11, 2010 11:01 pm Post subject: |
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I'm not quite sure what it is about 'them' which makes you nervous. Are they after you, or your whole family? Is it because Markus is not in quarentine, or is it because the potion is somehow illegal? Hmmm...
I think you should stay and try and distract / delay the men at the door as long as possible. Let Markus and Rebecca run while you attract their attention. It's chivalrous, and it's entirely possible the evil strangers will let Rebecca and Markus escape once the potion is done.
Or, at the very least, if your family agrees to meet up in one central location, and then you all flee in different directions, they are more likely to chase after you than your wife and son.
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Smee
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| Posted: Thu Mar 11, 2010 11:10 pm Post subject: |
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Welcome to the City, Shillelagh - hope you stay a while.
Thanks for the comments so far folks. The point about 'them' is a good one, and I'm already contemplating some additions to the start of the chapter to perhaps make it a little less of a mystery.
Regardless, a poll will be up in the next few days.
Happy Reading
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| Posted: Sun Mar 14, 2010 1:54 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | We'll need a glass of water, a sppon, candle and a wet cloth. |
Nice use of the second person. I can tell you are practiced at it. The story is tender and yet filled with lurking danger and suffering. I agree with what has been said about buying time. If necessary our hero should stand and fight the 'others' in order to give time for his wife and child to escape.
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Smee
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| Posted: Mon Mar 15, 2010 1:12 am Post subject: |
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Thanks, Dani - good spot. That typo, a couple of others, and Crunchy's suggestions are now corrected.
| Quote: | | Nice use of the second person. I can tell you are practiced at it. |
Haha, very kind of you to say so, but this is my first time with it. If it only takes twice the effort to write as a normal chapter I'm considering myself doing well at the moment ;-)
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Smee
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| Posted: Tue Mar 16, 2010 11:53 pm Post subject: |
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A poll is up, probably until Tuesday.
Happy Voting
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Smee
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| Posted: Tue Mar 23, 2010 9:07 am Post subject: |
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Poll closed.
Rebecca escaping, whilst we fight is the winning option. Chapter will be up once I wrestle with second person for a few more days ;-)
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Mr. Big Daddy
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| Posted: Mon Nov 01, 2010 2:17 pm Post subject: |
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 thats some funny stuff man
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Mon Nov 01, 2010 3:03 pm Post subject: |
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i wonder if Smee is gonna start this one up again
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Mon Nov 01, 2010 3:51 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for the bump, CBG!
I had briefly noticed this here, an intro put forth during my last absence, and had decided to come back to read it later but then... as usual when things aren't right in my face... forgot. Sorry 'bout that.
But I've read it now and I thought it was quite interesting. The question you put in our minds about who 'they' are is the reason anyone reads anything isn't it? Trying to piece together the puzzle, however brief it may be, is quite the motivator to pick up on the next chapter. I'll be hoping you continue now... and looking forward to reading more
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 CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...  
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| Posted: Mon Nov 01, 2010 4:43 pm Post subject: |
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I really hope Smee picks this one up again. It has some real potential.
I especially love the mysterious way everything is expressed, it really keeps it interesting.
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Smee
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| Posted: Tue Nov 02, 2010 12:17 am Post subject: |
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*chuckles*
I've been casting my eye over where I might start some writing again, and I had made the decision for Chapter 9 of Trade Windows which I am a few hundred words into now.
I'll see if my muse is willing to look at this too.
Happy Reading
P.S Jseme, I agree, George is awesome. Can't wait for the continuation of Ice and Fire.
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| Posted: Tue Nov 02, 2010 2:56 am Post subject: |
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I only hope the muses are kind enough to push this one along as well. (fantastic first chapter if you haven't already read that fact enough )
*psst* I agree. Although the wait is starting to frustrate me beyond normal, but then I remember that regardless of time, the wait will be worth it. He's a genius.
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| Posted: Wed Nov 03, 2010 1:22 am Post subject: I think..... |
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Interesting, interesting. Never much into the 1st person view, but this one seems well put togeather. Any time I try to do it, I end up talking/acting like 'me' and the character loses him/her self. I'd like to see this continued. Perhaps help me with my own 'view' problems.
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| Posted: Wed Nov 03, 2010 2:15 am Post subject: |
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Actually Pope, this is second person view.
First person would be "I did", "I went", "I saw" etc.
Whereas, this, in second person is "You did," "You went," "You saw".
~
It is tricky to write, mainly to me because it's hard to avoid the rather dull-to-read repetition of starting nearly every sentence and paragraph with 'you'. There's also some complications with keeping secrets from readers as 'you' should know everything. It can make the revealing of critical information hard to pace. Tenses can be difficult too, as you may note with Crunchy's helpful comments on this first chapter.
It can be rewarding though because the use of 'you' to a reader can almost put them into the character's situation, much more so than the typical third person perspective you get in most stories. Indeed, this seemed to work so well with you, that you thought it was first person 
Definitely worth attempting for the challenge.
Happy Writing
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Wed Nov 03, 2010 4:06 am Post subject: |
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Indeed, it is the most difficult POV to write, at least that I have found.
| Smee wrote: | | It is tricky to write, mainly to me because it's hard to avoid the rather dull-to-read repetition of starting nearly every sentence and paragraph with 'you'. |
- Indeed, and also putting thoughts and decisions in 'your' head, tends to have the reader start thinking, 'hey, I wouldn't say or do that!'
I've been struggling with it too - until I started looking at it as a 'show vs tell' problem. 'You wash your face at the stream.' - is telling the reader they're doing something. 'The water from the stream feels cold as you splash it in your face' lets the reader experience it as the character.
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Smee
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| Posted: Fri Nov 05, 2010 1:05 am Post subject: |
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Chapter 2 : Fight and Flight
Run, fight or hide, precious few options are open, but Markus and Rebecca are relying on the right one being picked. By the light, what do I do? The silent plea isn't answered but already your thoughts are boiling down to just one choice. With your family in danger you fight for them. Just have to be focused.
"Quick, take Markus, see he finishes and then both leave through the window."
Rebecca's eyes narrow as she figures out your meaning.
"Whilst you do what? You can't fight them!"
She buckles for a moment under Markus's weight as you push him into her arms. She moves to the bed and begins feeding him the last of the tonic just as the banging downstairs sounds again. A finger acros her lips stifles a sob and an abrubt kiss on the cheek melts some of the ire in her eyes as you head out the room.
The door to Markus's room is well oiled and makes no noise as you carefully open it and creep into the hallway. Just down to the left is your room. Money, clothing, a weapon, you tell yourself, moving quickly to gather your mental list. A small pack from under the bed will hold most of it, a heavy cloak from behind the door to keep her warm. Most of your money is already gone on the potion for Markus, you drop what remains into the bottom of the pack. Her hair brush, shaped ivory passed down from her mother that always brings a smile to her beautiful face goes in too. Undergarments, thick wollens, a small knife are added in. As you leave the room you grab the heavy staff you have incase of burglars feeling some comfort in its smooth strength.
Returning to Markus's room you see Rebecca has already finished with the medicine and is crouched down busy dressing Markus in several layers of thick warm clothing. Already he seems to have more strength than you remember in a long time. The light be praised.
You walk over to her and kneel down, embracing them both.
"Here, take this pack. We'll meet at your sister's place. Markus, you mind your mother now and look after her. I love you both."
"But..."
A violent crash announces the front door being smashed in and gruff voices float up from downstairs. Your voice becomes an urgent whisper. "Go! Now! It's Markus they'll take, not me. I'll be ok."
You pause only long enough to see Rebecca drawing in her strength and begin pulling Markus toward the window. Your eyes meet for one final second then she's gone and you're alone in the house. A quick blow and the candle goes out, plunging the room into darkness.
Just need to buy them time, just need to buy them time.
The mantra goes round and round your mind as you tighten your grip on the stave. A formidable weapon in the right hands, but futile if it is them. The voices downstairs have stopped and a deafening silence takes over. You edge silently to the edge of the hallway. To the left the dim glow from a street lamp faintly illuminates the far end near your own bedroom. To the right is the main stairs in complete darkness. A faint creak sets all your senses on alert. You know that creak, fourth stair. They are coming up!
The same creak again, a second man. If your fears are true there would be three in all, two bodyguards and one of them. The bodyguards would be fearsome but not indefeatable. They would be big men, thick of limb and of mind, useful for smashing doors and breaking noses and little else. The third though. You've only ever seen one of them from a far. The distinctive red face masks, beneath hooded robes of the deepst blood scarlet. The stories spoke of dark powers. Stories only whispered for fear of such tales reaching the ears of some spy.
The creak a third time, less distinct, the step of a smaller man. The chill of confirmation only brings with it questions of who has betrayed you, betrayed Markus for using magic to get better. Questions that you know will unlikely to be answered. Your eyes are adjusting to the darkness as you crouch in the doorway of your son's room staring down the hall to the right. There is some faint illumination, perhaps some light entering through the broken frontdoor. Enough to notice a dark silhouette reaching the top of the stairs. Darker black on black. You edge backwards. If you can see them, with the light to the left they'd see you just as easily. You creep back into the darkness of Markus's room, and take a position behind the door, peering through the gap. The thump thump of your heart seems to fill your ears, even as the darkness closes in. Panic is held at bay only by silent repetition of the mantra and the remaining tiny spark of hope left at seeing your son looking so much better.
They're close enough now that you can hear the faint sound of their hurried whispers. Something unusual is happening. With the powers one of them has at their command they should just stride in, take or do what they want. There was no need for stealth or sneaking about in the dark, especially since they outlawed anyone else using magic. And yet. Did they fear something here? What could it be?
The chill breeze from the open window swirls around you. Perhaps you didn't need to fight at all, with them slowly sneaking about maybe you have time to leave by the window too. But learning what could possibly cause one of them to be so hesitant, such an opportunity may never come again. You have contacts, friends in the resistance that would pay dearly for such information. Money that could see your family safer for many months.
With only seconds to make a decision you ...
~
Fight or flight... if you stay to fight I need a plan of attack.
You're in Markus's room, there's a bed with a pillow and blankets on. A candle on a nightstand. A small wardrobe at the back of the room. A small table with a basin of water on behind you. You are armed with your stave.
Happy Playing
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The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
Last edited by Smee on Fri Nov 05, 2010 3:47 am; edited 1 time in total
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Fri Nov 05, 2010 2:22 am Post subject: |
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Woohoo! New chapter! And a damn good one at that!
Would it be possible to slip just outside the window, onto a ledge or something, so that we can wait and listen to see if any information comes to light, as to why they're being so cautious? We can always have our stave ready to batter them in the face, should they be unfortunate enough to stick their heads out the window to have a look.
If not, I think it would be best to leg it. Rebecca and Marcus need us, and we risk alot more than we would gain if we stayed. Yes the information could gain more safety for them, but what's the alternative if a fight goes badly. No, if we can't hide away somewhere to listen, from which we could make a quick getaway, we should just run.
Looking forward to chapter 3! 
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.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Fri Nov 05, 2010 2:42 am Post subject: |
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Wooo, a new Nemesis chapter!
I think that the writing in 2nd person in this chapter is much improved on the last. Less repetitive, less like you're forcing our thoughts and actions on us.
A little crit, if I may... 
I think 2nd person POV does benefit from more 'show' than 'tell', especially when dealing with the thoughts and actions of the viewpoint character.
Example: | Quote: | | Half formed thoughts swirl through you head |
Don't tell us that there are half formed thoughts in our heads. Make us feel the confusion and panic - we are more likely to think our subsequent actions are plausible if we feel it in the gut.
Describe the impact of our actions as we see them, rather than telling us what our actions are:
Example: | Quote: | Rebecca's eyes narrow as she figures out your meaning.
"Whilst you do what? You can't fight them!"
You ignore her as you stand with Markus in your arms and pass him over. |
Stay with our vision of her reaction to your decision. She buckles for a moment under Markus's weight as you push him into her arms. This shows that we're ignoring her, and avoids the repetition of sentences beginning 'you'.
POV anomaly:
Example: | Quote: | | The door to Markus's room is well oiled and makes no noise as you carefully open it and creep into the hallway. You return a few moments later with a large cloak, a small pack filled with some basic essentials, a length of rope and a solid wooden stave. |
This works in Omniscient or third person - ....he carefully opens it and creeps into the hallway. He returns a few moments later with a large cloak... - The viewpoint is still in Markus's room - where we see the character disappear through the door and return a few moments later.
It doesn't work in 2nd person because this disappearance causes a break in consciousness. What was I doing while I was in the hallway? Did I stay in the hallway or did I go somewhere else? I have no idea - All I know is that I returned a few moments later with a bunch of objects from somewhere. With 2nd person, we're stuck inside the character's body, so it needs a tweak to keep the continuity, to make it work.
I thought this passage was excellent: | Quote: | A quick blow and the candle goes out, plunging the room into darkness.
Just need to buy them time, just need to buy them time. |
- At no point did I feel like my actions or thoughts were being forced upon me. The vision of blowing out the candle, and hoping I can delay the invaders feel natural and normal. I'm 'in' the story here.
| Quote: | A faint creak sets all your senses on alert. You know that creak, fourth stair. They are coming up!
The same creak again, a second man. If your fears are true there would be three in all, two bodyguards and one of them. The bodyguards would be fearsome but not indefeatable. They would be big men, thick of limb and of mind, useful for smashing doors and breaking noses and little else. The third though. You've only ever seen one of them from a far. The distinctive red face masks, beneath hooded robes of the deepst blood scarlet. The stories spoke of dark powers. Stories only whispered for fear of such tales reaching the ears of some spy.
The creak a third time, less distinct, the step of a smaller man. The chill of confirmation only brings with it questions of who has betrayed you. |
This is a good passage too. It describes what visions are forming in my head from what I can hear on the stairs. Try to find ways of tweaking it further to reduce use of the use of the word 'you'.
For the DP - There's really very little to go on, even why these people are out on the streets looking for our main character. We don't know what he's done, all we know is that someone must have tipped him off. Is he a magic maker? Is that what the stave is for?
If he is, then he wouldn't need to hang around and find out more. Magic is outlawed, it seems. So, what else? He could run - but then he wouldn't be delaying them any.
The open window, the smell of the recently blown out candle and the bowl of water will be a dead giveaway that people have been in the room recently, and that they've just escaped. It may just lead them to Rebecca and Markus, because they won't have got far.
Hide behind the door, and wait for them to come in. If they see you, you can run down the stairs, and perhaps lead them further away from your family.
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Smee
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| Posted: Fri Nov 05, 2010 3:53 am Post subject: |
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Thanks for the comments guys.
Great critique points Crunchy - I've amended some passages straight away to answer them... particularly the opening and the 'mystery' time spent gathering the items in the other room.
I've also added a little more detail around what's going on - I was being a little too secretive
Happy Playing
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Fri Nov 05, 2010 5:39 am Post subject: |
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Ah, now, that makes a difference to the DP. So the staff is not a magic weapon, and although we don't know yet whether our main character is a magic maker or not, it looks as if the boy is who they are after.
We don't know why he's been so ill, perhaps that will come out later. What intrigues me now is that if he's been ill for so long, why only now after all this time does our character go get the medicine?
My feeling is that the intruders outside the door are hesitating because they're afraid of something to do with the Markus. If we stand and fight, we may be taken alive to be interrogated as to his whereabouts later, or used as bait to entice him. My instinct tells me that we won't be killed just yet.
That makes me less inclined to run - If we have connections with the resistance perhaps we can make some sort of signal by dropping something out of the window, to let them know we're in danger. If we don't make the rendezvous at Rebecca's sister's place, they'll be sure to alert the resistance anyway.
Yes. Wait and hide. If captured, so be it. But if not, then the opportunity to slip away with information.
....And some great revisions there. The opening in particular is much stronger. 
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Jseme
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| Posted: Fri Nov 05, 2010 5:52 am Post subject: |
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Great work Smee! I'm glad this got revitalized.
As for any mistakes, I think that Crunchy covered it all well enough.
DP- Stepping in the character's shoes like this helps get a great feel for who the character is. I think his family is too important to him to be risked in a fight against unknown odds.
So I agree that he should wait and try to get some information, but get out quickly if need be.
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Sat Nov 06, 2010 8:30 am Post subject: |
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I read this a while back but wasn't in a position to comment. Really excellent work here Smee. Quite enjoyable.
I say he hides and ambushes the leader, attempting a killing strike before running off. Yes, its important to stay alive, but there's something odd about the way they are approaching that leaving now would not discover the answer to. Additionally, if he leaves with his family, without distracting the pursuers, he might lead the pursuers wherever they go... he needs to run them off in another direction. We can hope the warriors are armored enough to be unable to keep up in a pursuit.
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crazybookgal
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| Posted: Sun Nov 07, 2010 3:16 pm Post subject: |
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ooh i love the flexability of the dp! so i have devised an elaborate and devious plan
ok i am going to guess this guy can't do magic bcuz he had to pay for a magical cure
also why does these people want the kid? he just got cured and that is that-or maybe there is something else. this why staying to listen is important.
Now for my plan...
first- empty the water basin out the window- this might get someone's attention who can help you. Keep the basin. Grab the pillows and the extinguished candle. our friend seems pretty good at sneaking around undetected, so THEY probaly wont hear him over their little chat.
Now-sneak into the hall and hide in the shadows. Find out what you can beforethey find u or they decide to move on.
okay now he's going to have to be fast-throw the sheets and blankets over them and hurl the basin and candlesticks downstairs and yell something like "Rebbecca Markus Run!!!!"(this will make our friends think rebecca and markus has sneaked past them and are escaping out of the door)
Next lets divert them more with a good fight. if i remember right there is a lit candle in the hall. try to light your stave(this may or may not work of course) and take the candle and thrown iit at our foes. The blankets will catch or at least give the enemies some burns.
while they're dealing w/ that block the stairs(we're pretending our family escaped that way still) and fight them. after this find a way to escape the battle(pretend to get knocked unconcious or something) our foes will get an extra diversion bcuz they go the wrong way. depending on what we've heard decides our next plan of action.
Perhaps we get help in the battle if someone notices the water falling and then sees the fire that almost most certaintly catches the house on fire(we're going to b on the run anyway right?)
i told u it was elaborate
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII
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| Posted: Sat Nov 13, 2010 12:47 am Post subject: |
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| Smee wrote: | A finger acros her lips stifles a sob and an abrubt kiss on the cheek melts some of the ire in her eyes as you head out the room.
Questions that you know will unlikely to be answered. |
Oh an dyou also used indefeatable.... I missed where....
Beside the misspellings and grammer fumble, I see no muss ups. I like this. It's like a slow mo D&D game! Got building of tension, and varied vocabulary.
For what to do next.....I'm a real bull when it comes to my family, so maybe this is a little out of order....But I say kick their sorry butts! It's not like they're gonna say anthing to useful to one another right there in the hallway, like most olden day super villans. Y'know, the ones that have that opertune moment to spill their guts about the master plan cause the new guy has no idea what's going on, while the hero stands just out of sight!
Sorry, it's a sore spot with me. Life ain't that easy. I say, take'em down, then ask some questions. Even if you fail in stopping them, they'll be too distracted by your vicous attack to think straight for at least a few minutes. If I sent my wife out the window with my little boy, I'd only do it knowing she's strong enought, and smart enough, to handle herself and the child.
So, my idea? KICK SOME TUSH!!!!!!!!!!
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| Posted: Thu Nov 18, 2010 12:40 am Post subject: |
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| I say run! Run as far away as possible, or take the candle wax throw it into the attacker's eyes and then run, grab a knife while your at it and then sharpen your staff's end, like a stake. If they try and attack you, stab them, hit them. I believe he's not that such a weak guy that he'd just run, but instead he'll attack, give time for his family to run away. Good story smee, not my cup of tea, but I read it, but it's still an adventure on its own.
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Mon Nov 22, 2010 2:57 am Post subject: |
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| So, when's the poll?
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Lebrenth
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| Posted: Tue Nov 23, 2010 11:14 am Post subject: |
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Hey there Smee! I love 2nd person, I must say. It's not very popular with most readers, but I'm more of a gamer anyway. I didn't see any trouble with your writing, (except indefeatable should be undefeatable), so it looks like the revisions were good ones!
As for the DP, I don't think we can win in a fight. We have the element of surprise, which will probably allow us to get in one good solid blow, and if we're really lucky we can incapacitate one of the burly men. What about the other two men? Surely they are accustomed to resistance, and the masked one probably has tricks up his sleeve that we can't prepare for.
I also don't think the fire would do any good. We can't expect to be able to throw a blanket over the heads of three people while they're facing us, and even if we managed it, it would take a couple of seconds for the flame of a candle to spread to anything appreciable, and I think throwing the candle would extinguish it if it wasn't already extinguished (which we did already to make the house dark). If we had an oil lamp, maybe it would be different. Nonetheless, just setting the house on fire would be wasteful, since the assailants could leave the house as quickly as they like through the door, confident that anyone inside will come out to them. Matter of fact, setting the house on fire might be what I would do if I was the red masked man.
So now I've talked about the things I wouldn't do, what is my suggestion, right? Well, these bad guys showed up pretty quick, so I think they have some sort of transportation, perhaps some horses waiting nearby. Even if they left someone to watch the horses, I think we could make a good attempt at taking that person out. If we can get a hold of their transportation, we'll be faster and they'll be slower, so escape is highly likely.
I don't know why they're hesitating, unless maybe we have magic weilding allies nearby about to intervene on our behalves, but I think it's more important at this point to survive and protect our family than to worry about the source of our good fortune.
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tayfinch
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| Posted: Wed Dec 01, 2010 11:24 pm Post subject: |
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This has been really fun to read. Good job, Smee.
[Also, I just want to tell Crunchyfrog how impressed I always am with his commentary! Really, really quality stuff.]
As for the DP: The whole point of his staying behind was to buy some time for Rebecca and Markus' escape, right? The fact that he's nervous about the coming fight means that he isn't super-capable or super-skilled. To hide seems ridiculous: Rebecca and Markus left only moments before, so if our main character hides in the closet, one look out the window and they'll be spotted.
My vote is this: Rush them.
As was pointed out earlier, he'll only get one surprise shot. Yet, in my mind, that's all it takes when you have three enemies walking single-file up a flight of stairs. Knock them down the stairs--hard--by smashing the lead's face in with a blow from the stave, followed by a solid kick. Then get back in the room, barricade it as best you can (wedge the staff up in the corner, for example), then high-tail it to meet with Rebecca. She needs the help carrying the boy.
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